Thank you Anna,
I really did need to read that. I often sometimes daydream about contacting the ex again, or hearing from her. And i wrestle everyday with moving forward-not contacting and trying to let go. Its really really freaking hard, period. but i made it thus far, holidays are tough and quickly coming.
In short, thank you for your follow up-you didnt have to write but a very human core of you is still aware of the suffering we endure; reading the power and strength from a giant like your self is comforting to me in my hearts dilemma.
thank you and merry christmas
jeffrey

@Jeff –

Thank you for your kind words Jeff and I am sorry to hear about your break up – your story helped put things in perspective a bit but it’s just so hard for me to accept that someone I once loved and who loved me a lot, now should leave my life like a stranger…forever — it seems so unrealistic especially knowing we both have feelings for each other ….

And sometimes I just lose patience with the pain – i see what you are saying about hanging in there and things will look differently after a few years when I meet the person who is really right for me but it’s the pain i feel now that sometimes just breaks me – it’s like im stuck in a cage – i can’t move on bc i am clinging on to the past but i want to move on to be free emotionally like before..just laugh, play, and have fun without always being reminded that my heart is broken and it hurts….sometimes i tell myself if this is what relationships come with then im going to be so afraid of the next one bc of all this unmanageable pain…

you are a sweetheart and i hope your pains end soon – someone close once told me when you get through a bad break up like this the next ones will be easier…i hope yours gets easier and you have a wonderful holiday season …full of joy. i also dread the holiday season and will do everything possible to distract myself.

Best,
Eva

@Eva – Hi, Eva,

I saw your post yesterday, and I feel compelled to reply.

I am a lawyer, graduated from law school last year. The demands of law school are still fresh in my mind, so I completely relate to the stress you’re feeeling. Please, please, please, if you remember nothing else that I say, remember this: YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Law school is demanding, oftentimes pure hell. In order to survive it, you must be selfish. That means putting YOURSELF first. I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, you will never graduate law school or pass the bar. For the next two years, your number one priority is yourself–doing whatever it takes to ensure your success. Period. Everything else must come second. I realize that’s tough. During my most difficult times, when I caught myself thinking of him, I had to consciously catch and stop myself by saying: “Stop. Right now, just STOP. You cannot think about this,” and force myself to think about something else.

Closure…..Maybe it’s because I’m also a Type A personality, but I feel your pain. It’s been 14 months since my breakup, and I still go through periods where I want to talk to him and ask him questions, but I forbid myself from contacting him. Truthfully, what good would REALLY come of it? I desperately want a better explanation from him, but if I’m honest with myself, I know I’ll never get that. The truth is, NOTHING he could say would make me feel any better, or bring me this “closure” I so desperately long for. Nothing he could say would ease the pain or answer my questions; it would only cause more pain and raise more answers. Why cause myself any additional, unnecessary pain? Contact with him would only hinder progress.

I think closure comes from within ourselves–no one else can give us that. It’s a decision we make to no longer feel this disabling pain and anger, to no longer dwell on the past, to recognize that we’re physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and can take no more. Instead, we decide to make an effort to learn from our mistakes and to move on to happier, healthier lives and relationships. Closure is a decision you make to accept you’ll never have all the answers and to let go.

Best wishes with law school. When you receive your diploma at graduation and when you recite the attorney oath during the bar admission ceremony, you will be overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment. It’s something YOU accomplished, something no one can ever take away from you, and you realize: you made it through this, you can make it through ANYTHING life throws at you. =)

@Eddie Corbano – @Angelica –

Angelica, thank you for your post. You actually helped me a lot by sharing your experience and advice – it certainly helped knowing that someone has just gone through what I’m facing now (both emotionally and academically). My studies were affected a lot last year because of the relationship problems and that was causing me twice the pain because I have worked so hard to get here and was about to lose it all because of this relationship. As hard as it’s been for me, I’ve tried to put myself and my studies first but I need the constant reminder as you said to stop thinking about the past – it can take a lot of mental energy to do this especially during exam periods like now.

I don’t know if what im feeling now is temporary or something permanent but since I read what you and Eddie wrote about closure, I feel a bit different about things – knowing that it’s all from within was an empowering piece of information that I think just made sense and stayed with me. What you both said about just saying ‘enough’, i think happened to me in the middle of exam stress, all the crying, and my serendipitous visit to this website.

I also read in one of Eddie’s articles that being physically active – like exercising – helps a lot and I used to love dancing before – but for the last year or two i just didn’t have the motive to pursue it. i went back to it yesterday and i can’t explain how light I feel …it might be the de-stress factor of the exercise but im just happier mood-wise and it’s lasted for more than 24 hours!!! and i have another week of exams to go through so the stress factor is still there but it’s not overwhelming me with sadness and crying anymore.

So thank you and Eddie for your posts, and everyone else for contributing to this very helpful website!!

Eva =)

@Eva –

Eva – I’m in the exact same position as you. I’m feeling exactly the same as you.

I’m in pain. My 7 year relationship has just ended – I’m lost.
I feel like i’ve lost my best friend and soul mate, for the simple reason he didn’t love me anymore. No arguements or any signal this was coming. It’s been two weeks and I’m a mess.

I’m hurting because I really want to let go of my ex and its like it keeps calling me right back. I think about her being with another guy and jealousy just consumes me and I want to act out. I find it really hard to not call her and talk to her. She lies a lot and tells me she is going home, when really she is going somewhere else. I feel sick in my stomach and I try to make it work, but I can not see myself without her. WHAT DO I DO!!????? It hurts soooooo bad….

My girlfriend just broke up with me about a week ago. Last night I realized it’s really over and she’s not coming back. She has a date with someone coming up. I try to block the glorified thoughts of our relationship out of my head but I can’t. I think about her every second. It’s taken over my life. I called into work today because I was in no condition to be around people. I want so badly to forget her. I forgive her, I really do, I accept responsibility for my own life but I don’t feel any relief. I know it’s early but how am I supposed to function like this?

@Sophie –
Something similar happened to me, only it was a 3 year relationship, and a great one I thought I would marry this guy, even my friends and family because they saw that we had a lot of things in common ….It feels so bad knowing that the same person that once thought of marrying you now is leaving you.

Wow. I know exactly how you feel. I’m going through the same thing. Its like, I cant focus on home, school, anything. Sometimes i get really angry and sometimes I get really sad. I cant control my emotions. What can i do to get this guy out of my heAd? Wednesday we were so in love, then Thursday it was all over. Im sitting here left with unanswered questions. Sigh………………….

My bofriend cheated on me and it hurts!! I’m angry and mad! I don’t feel good enough. Then I found this website.. I agree with having no contact. It helped me so much not to have contact with him. As the days went by I felt stronger and much better. Yesterday he sent me a text message for my birthday and I responded. HUGE MISTAKE… I now feel like the day we broke up. Sad and upset. I now have to start from the beginning again. Monday will be day one. My goodness. Lord help me sleep tonight.

Sophie, James, Erick, Alika, Vania and anyone else this has meaning for;

My nine year relationship ended almost 15 months ago, he left without a word to my Son who he was a step-father to since the age of 10 yrs. He said that he “didn’t know who he was anymore” and “needed to find himself”. ” Finding himself” involved my buying him out for half the assets we accumulated with my income and little contribution from him…such is the law. The home we owned together became mine along with the mortgage and all the remaining debts. He walked away with a pocket full of money, no debts, no responsibilities and a brand new start on his way to “find himself”. For the last 9 months he has lived in the apartment building directly next door to our (now mine) apartment. Needless to say I see him almost every day and often several times per day as he comes and goes with his new friends, girlfriends, and has told me that it should not bother me and that I am being childish. I have cried a river, ocean, more tears I thought humanly possible and for longer than I could ever have fathomed. Experiencing his cold, cruel and heartless behaviour both angers me and emotionally devastates my soul. It’s going to take some time and this I will get through, I have held on to my home much longer than I was financially able, have ruined my credit and will be selling “our” home in January 2010. This will be a new start, not one that is ideal but it will atleast get me away from his cruel and unusual punishment that I see in his decision to live next door after walking out on us.

So……I do have a point and thank you for your patience. Although it still hurts and I feel the fool, I have to ask? What if he came back tomorrow and got down on his knees, apologized, begged forgiveness, cried his heart out and promised his undying love? What if I believed him and took him back? IT WOULD NEVER, EVER WORK! You know why? I would never feel that trust, that security that comes with a loving, caring, nurturing, supportive relationship. I would forever be doubting, or be on edge, or suspicious….that’s not life or love.

Therefore, if you too feel this way and know it to be real then taking them back would not be the answer. Then all this time grieving is also pointless if we know it’s OVER!

Hope that makes some sense, I’m working on understanding this reality myself and will not give up on me…….will keep you posted.

Love to all,

D

I agree with D..

What once was..is no more. It will never be the same. I have been through deep heartbreak twice. The first time was with my ex-husband. He left for a year and carried on a very open affair. Then he came back. And I can tell you it wasn’t the same. When we were broken up..I wanted him back so badly. I can honestly tell you this is more of an obsession with being rejected than love. I’m not saying I didn’t love him, but I wanted him back more than anything else. When I got him back..it took me about a year. And it hit me one day..that I could do better than this. I could do better than what he had done to me. So I broke it off. He didn’t cheat or anything again, and we have been broken up for almost 4 years and he still hasn’t dated. He is my best friend, and has to live the rest of his life with regret for what he did..not my problem. They always regret it later!!!

Now fast forward to my former boyfriend who broke up with me earlier this year. He broke up with me suddenly out of the blue, and was dating a married woman. They were dating for 3 months. Then he came back in the summer to me..trying to play games. I found out, and broke it off, whatever that crap was. It wasn’t what I wanted. Then I realized it would never be the same. That man that I loved a year ago..the one who adored me, respected me, etc..was gone! He came back with b.s.! And yes, I wanted him, but I can do better than that. And although I haven’t met this wonderful guy that I know is out there..who wouldn’t leave me and cheat on me..I know he exists. And I will patiently wait for him. And that is a whole heck of alot better than settling for my ex-boyfriend, who broke my heart. Who at a point in time in his life, didn’t think I was the “One” for him. When I knew he was the “One” for me, when I first met him..

Don’t settle and don’t take them back..you will be never be able to trust them, and live in turmoil..always fearing that he or she will leave again. Is that love? Is that living? As D said.. no. You can do better than that!

Lacey

@Darlene –
Darlene,

I too am going through a very tough time where my ex of 8 years just recently up and moved out, 3 streets away. However, she jumped right into another relationship and I had know clue as to what I had done. She threw up a bunch of stuff that happened in the past to make herself feel less guilt about her poor decision but I’m no longer buying that. She left because she had eyes for another man. It hurts unbelievably. I have made the mistake of texting her once a week, calling, IM ing and she gives me no response. This is a girl who would follow me to a bar if I went out by myself for a drink and who constantly thought i was cheating on her. I loved her dearly and remained faithful throughout our relationship. I only wish I could understand any of this but it seems as if you are moving on and that is good. Me, well, if she came back to me I would gladly have her back as long as the other guy was out of the picture. She lost admiration for me some time back and I lost appreciation of her. We still loved each other very much but this ultimately led to her looking for it elsewhere. So I know what you are going through. I feel as if I’ll never meet anyone as beautiful and caring (so i thought) again in my life. A very sad realization i haven’t yet come to terms with.

Joe

Hi there-

I read this page, for the most obvious of reasons of course- bad break up. And I kid you not, I feel so much better. There is so much truth and power in the words ‘why do you think that SHE/HE (in my case) is responsible for your happiness’.

Put like this, it changes everything.
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective with readers. This has honestly helped!

God bless you

Where to start……………………..
My wife passed almost 10 years ago. My kids were 4 and 2 at the time. Life was hard, but ok. then i saw “her.”
Prettiest woman in the world..compared a lot to Eva Longoria. She smiled, and i just melted. Problem was, she was married.
It was spring and our daughters were playing softball at the time. After a while, as parents do, we started talking. She felt sorry for my situation and offered to help with the kids.
I could not wait until my daughter had practice so I could see her. Come to find out she was in a bad marriage and was extremely unhappy. Her husband, while not physically abusive, was mentally about as abusive as they come. She even confided in me that she cheated on him in the past because she just wanted someone to love her. I never judged her, but as we became more and more close, I explained to her that I was still in love with my deceased wife and that I just didnt want love…couldnt handle it, still felt like I was cheating.
After a few years, our daughters became close, and I met someone. When she found out, she did everything in her power to tell me how bad this person was for me and that I needed to leave them right away! She did this not once, but two times, and because she was such a good friend, I believed her and followed her advice.
Then one day, SHE KISSED ME, out of the clear blue….my heart melted and I was head over heels in love. I knew already, but because she was married, I would never cross that line. One thing lead to another and IT happened again, and again and again. Secret meetings, secret phone calls, even bought her a cell phone so that he couldnt get records from phones they shared together.
The marriage continued to detoriorate, and they flucatuated between divorce and “trying to make things work for the kids”. All the while, her and I were still “together”.
Then the bottom fell out, he cheated on her WITH HER HALF SISTER that she hated…he knew it . That’s the type of person he is. Other stuff came out about him, he had speculations about us…..they split for good. She went back to him again for the kids, but things just didnt work.
He moved out, and we started planning a future together. Since she was a homemaker, she had no job and no money. So, I took care of her and her kids. Paid her house note, car note, everything. They continued to remain “friends” for the kids and I said ok (wrong move).
As hard as I tried, she never let him go, he still had her mentally.
Eventually we started a business, I poured my entire life savings into it and paid her handsomely, even though business wasnt making a dime.
I eventually lost my job, so we managed the store together. Seeing me everyday, she said, was too much for her, so she started going out drinking (never inviting me). The economy continued to decline, but I always took care of her. He on the other hand would do NOTHING to help her or the kids if needed . Their four year old daughter really needed a winter coat and he said NO…SO WHO DO YOU THINK BOUGHT IT?
Anyway, fast forward a year into the business and five years into our relationship, Im broke, financially, back at work making 1/2 my salary, faced with losing everything AND SHE TELLS ME SHES GOING BACK TO HIM FOR THE KIDS. Just one week prior, we were making love and she just started crying telling me how much she loved me and how I was the best thing to come into her life!
So hurt, devastated, betrayed……..lost. Not sure what to do. I know she doesnt love him…..shes afraid to life without him.
He told her that she can have no contact with me, but he works with the woman hes been seeing for a year AND THATS OK!
Please somebody help…Im a wreck…..actually depressed like when my wife died….just didnt want to be alone again….lost my best friend in the world

@Lacey -

Lacey,

thanks for the feedback and for sharing your real life experiences and feelings after having taken an ex back…..you reinforced my beliefs with facts and it is sooooo very appreciated.

Darlene

@joseph –

Hi Joseph,

I understand your pain as I and so many others on this site have and/or are going through similar heartache but you still believe there is hope for you and your ex to forge a future together and that caught my attention. I truly hope if the opportunity presents itself that you are successful but I don’t honestly believe it is possible. Please forgive my doubt as I know that is not what you are interested in hearing however, I don’t care about what you WANT to hear but what you NEED to hear.

She (your ex) has behaved with absolutely no regard for you, your relationship together, or your love for her. She has stomped on you like a bug on the sidewalk and thrown away any and all promises of love she once declared.

If you take her back or give her another chance with your heart she will never….and I mean ….never, truly appreciate it or treasure the opportunity. She will only hurt you once again and you will be left feeling the fool and be that much further behind in your healing and your chance to meet someone who is worthy of your love.

Read Lacey’s recent comment as she has been through the second chance situation and has some invaluable insight to share.

Again, I wish you all the best…..YOU…all the best.

Darlene

@chris –

Hi Chris,

You’ve clearly given so much to this woman and she has readily taken it from you…..don’t give her anymore by hanging on to the relationship. She is not capable of giving back…..only of taking and she will keep taking until there is nothing left…..then she will move on.

I know you are hurt and probably feeling foolish or taken advantage of……darling…stand in line because you are not alone…read more comments and you will see what I mean. She is the fool for not appreciating you and all you gave and still had to offer….you will be the ongoing fool if you don’t come to realize how great you truly are.

Love and support in your time of heartbreak,

Darlene

I just read your post, and have been researching a lot on Baggage Reclaim, etc. My husband has walked out on me and my two sons. He’s the stepfather, but he’s raised them for 8 years.
He’s been gone for over 3 weeks, and not even a phone to the boys. I’ve had contact, some, but would prefer not to at this point. He told me “he just didn’t know what he wanted, but he doesn’t want to give me false hope”. How bout that for crap?????
I’ve been a homemaker for over 20 years. Have no savings, no job, nothing…for he kept me on a very tight noose. Didn’t want me to work or go to school……..always said “we do alright don’t we?”
Thank goodness he didn’t move across the street….for I’d have to break out the bbgun! ha I strongly suspect there’s another woman, but have no way to find out. I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to see him taking girls in and out of his place. That is so unthinkably cruel, one can hardly believe it! I hope you’re not losing your house, but I think it will be good for you move away. Maybe the further the better! Write me if you want to chat………….anotherdud

Why am I so upset and hurt over someone who is not worth of me??

@chris -

I’m feeling your pain too Chris.
Do try to concentrate on your kids, for they do love you and they need you. They also know when you’re sad…….
She is obviously not worthy of a man of your devotions.
My husband left 3 weeks ago today, and I’m finally coming around. The no contact is a must. It will only put blisters on your scars! You need a clear head…and eventually, it wil make it to your heart. I personally, will be so glad when the holiday season is over, for I’ve not felt the “good cheer” so to speak……a really tough time to be enduring these heartaches. Just know you’re not alone….there is so much support on this website, and your kids love you and need you. It’s her loss, and when she realizes that , she may try for a comeback. Don’t let her near you, for she’ll only do it again. Beauty is inside…….and if it isn’t , then the outside doesn’t count! Hang in there…..falalalala lalalala and all that stuff………………

@anotherdud –

contact me at

bigkakahead (at) shaw . ca

I am in a relationship of 21 years……about 2 months ago he started acting weird. He told me that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore.

The sad thing is that we had broken up in 2000. After I had re-established myself- I had moved on and was happy with my life, in January of 2001 he came back , on his knees, crying, sorry, and begging for me to take him back. I did not want to and I truly didn’t care about him. This went on for a little while. He was persistent. Then one day I decided to see if I may want to be with him. He had changed so wonderfully. He was the only man I ever loved and he still wanted the same things. We did get back together and had this big wedding in the eyes of GOD in 2003 (we were married civil in 1995).

Now 9 years later. I am dealing with the same bs. He’s arguing about the past. He can’t get over some things that happened while we were apart. Now he says he does not want to be with me anymore. I thought I was going to be ok. But I am devastated. He promised me forever. He thinks it’s ok for him to come and go. But I want to work it out so bad. He just says to leave him alone. I am so confused. He says he loves me- he is just so angry. He says to give him time. But I don’t know how much more I can take. This is far worse than the first time we broke up. We were supposed to be moving to Florida. We purchased a home there and were expecting to move soon. The holidays are coming up and my son is flying in from Florida today with all of this massive confusion. I need help!

i feel so lost and empty…funny part is i know the best thing is to just move on but i truely feel as though i can’t move nevermind breathe…

@Linda –
Linda, it’s only been 3 weeks and 2 days for me…but take my word, you will breathe again. The initial pain is paralyzing….it’s tthe first phase of the break up. Shock! Soon, you will be in denial, and then you will grieve………as I’m still grieving!
Take deep breaths………don’t put too much pressure on yourself either. In the BIble, it says God saves our tears in a bottle……I have probably filled up a couple by now? Just had my 2nd appt with a counselor…and will try a second prescription for the panic that sets in sometimes………I am totally dependent on my husband, and am and have been a homemaker. We went from looking at houses, to this? I think some people are just born of a different chemistry…….and they allow their pasts to determine their future. Demons, that take the best of them…..and there’s just not enough left. They always look for greener pastures, for they’re not happy with themselves. They look for someone that will make them happy……and anyone can do that for a while……the whole infatuation game is exciting. But sooner or later, they will have to deal with themselves or be alone. Instead, we’re alone………Consider that he’s done you a favor, for this is not the way you want to live your life, I’m sure. Keep telling yourself that…and soon it will go from the brain to the heart, but it takes a while………..We’re all in this together! So nice to have other people with the same crappy emotions to deal with over the holidays….for I just can’t bring myself to share too much with friends right now. Don’t want to bring them down from their “happy holidays”.
Write anytime………somone will reply. You’re not alone!

You know what guys..it is so sad to hear & read everyone’s stories. It has truly been a long hard year for me. And I was dreading the holidays, but somehow I’m getting through them, and it’s not so bad for me after all. I’m sure I will be sad on Christmas day. I miss him. I miss us. But at the end of the day, I know I deserve better than someone who broke my heart, who didn’t love me, like I loved them.

I know that everyone is having a hard time. When my ex first broke up with me, I was devastated. I had never experienced a panic attack (feeling like I couldn’t breathe), in my life! It was such a shock! And then later to find out that he was seeing this married woman. It was too much. I just shattered my self-esteem. I kept thinking but I’m better than her. I’m classy, not trashy..I went through the whole gamut of emotions. I’m not good enough, how could he do that, etc?? But you know what, and this is for everyone on this board, good things have come out of this. I know it sounds impossible for those who are in the thick of it, the shock of it..its been 10 months for me.. But behind me, is the end of a really hard year, hopes gone, dreams lost. But also in front of me, (and kinda scary at times)..are new beginnings, new chances, things that haven’t happened yet, but things that may be better for me than what I’ve ever had in my whole life.

From this breakup, I learned so much about me this year. I learned how to love myself, I learned how to not depend on anyone for my happiness. I learned how to enjoy the small things. And although, I didn’t think at the time, when he broke up with me..that I would ever be happy again.(Guys,hey, I really didn’t believe it then..) I am truly happy now. Not because I found someone, or he came back, but because I leaned to appreciate myself. I had a choice, eitther hold on and keep being sad and miserable wanting him back, trying to figure out why he did it. Questions, drove me nuts..what did she have over me, etc? You see, I loved him more than I loved myself at the time. And he tore my heart into pieces. And I.., me.., Lacey had to put my heart back together all by myself. I had to learn how to live again. I had to learn how to find the joy in life again..for me. It was a choice. I did not want to be sad anymore. Yes, it hurt like hell to lose him. But now I realize, he lost me! It’s his lost. I’m a good person, and deserve so much better. I have so much love to give.. to me, to others.. And now I can look at him and thank him for freeing me, to be available to real love. Because he didn’t love me. Remember this..when you love someone, truly love someone, you don’t hurt them. And that love doesn’t die like that. It’s not wishy washy, it doesn’t fade. It doesn’t drive you to someone else’s arms..it’s not confusing, its sure, its certain!

I’m not trying to say to anyone that people can’t get back together and work it out. It depends on the persons involved. Is the person repentful, and sorry for what he/she has done? Really sorry, and found that they have indeed messed up? But most people aren’t. It’s rarely the case. And to save ourselves from prolonging agony, going back & forth, because life is short, we need to live and not waste a single day being sad, pining over someone who is selfish and puts his/her own needs over ours..that’s no way to live, and I can assure you there is no selfishness in real love!

So I say to everyone on this board, God /Universe gives us nothing that we can’t handle individually. Everything that we are going through is for a reason, and out of it, good will come. You have to believe. Don’t give up, keep breathing..keep trying..keep going. You will get through it. I am here, along with some many others here to testify to that. And I am whole again..and learning to live without him. And looking forward to the new person who will come into my life. Enjoying the new me, that I had to mold together from the brokenness. And because of all the soul searching and finding msyelf. I think I’m a better person for it, and in a really good position to find a person who is mature enough and capable of loving me the way that I need to be loved..treat me with respect and kindness. And now I have something to offer this person too!

So, the moral of the story..learn to love yourself first and foremost. And everything else will fall into place. Let go of bad relationships, hurt and pain. Life is too short, we are never promised tomorrow. Let’s stop accepting less than par treatment in this great life that we all have. We are all here, living breathing, with so much opportunity for great things. If people don’t reciprocate your love, take it and find someone who will.. Know that there is something better out there, but you have to believe!

I know that none of us can take away the pain, just serve as a reminder, and give hope to those who can’t see their way out of it right now..

Hugs to everyone!

Lacey

(P.S. None of us are alone, and no situation is unique! Hurt is hurt! I’m here if anyone needs to talk it out..I know how it feels)

i know what i need to do but i feel as though i can’t get my mind to comply….I look horrible- as everyone at work has commented and i feel like crying any chance i get…Please please reaasure me that one day i will wake up and it will be better!!!

You will..it will just take time. No one can take away the pain, because your heart is broken, and you’re hurting. You have to go through this and feel it. But you can help ease the pain. By reading out posts (this is how I found this website back in February)..and believing that you will get through this. There is hope and things will get better. And something good will come out of it.

My best advice to you, is to find things that put a smile on your face. It may be hard right now..but watching comedies, or reading a funny book, or listening to jokes. Have you watched the movie “Sex & the City” and Carrie asked her girlfriends will she ever laugh again (after her breakup with Mr Big).., and they told her when something is funny. True, you will laugh again. Give yourself a reason. I indulged in all of my favorite movies and read my favorite books..It was hard, but it was a temporary escape from reality. You need to occupy your mind. I woke up everyday with the same panicked feelings, oh we’re not together anymore, he’s not here. And you know what I don’t have that anymore. I never thought it would go away, but it did! Thank God! So, I want to reassure you, yes, you will wake up one day and it will be better.

Dream about the future, set goals for yourself in 2010. Devise a plan, and do the things that you’ve been putting off and haven’t done. It’s helped me. It also helped boost my self-esteem..which took a hard hit. But now I’m so busy doing “me” that I don’t have time to feel bad and reflect on him. Which is great! And I feel 1 gazillion times better. And I know how you feel.. I looked horrible too, because I stopped eating, and lost 12 pounds..but make an attempt to fix yourself up. The focus is on you now. Put on makeup, dress up, get your “groove” back, day by day, you’ll start to feel better, and attractive again, and also wanted again.

I know its hard but you can do this, and you WILL get through this!

Hugs,

Lacey

Remember in the end..it will just simply come down to a choice to let go. There is nothing magical that will happen. You will get to the point that you get tired of feeling sad and bad for someone who isn’t reciprocating your love. You will decide to choose life again. Sad to say, its just that simple. If you love someone, you don’t stop loving them, you just make a choice that you’re not going to allow yourself to go there anymore and indulge in that love..and that is how we all eventually let go and move on.

@Linda
You know that U2 song, Stuck in a moment? It goes like: “You’ve got to get yourself together you got stuck in a moment, now you cant get out”

You are stuck in a loop, you need to change your thoughts! You have got to love yourself enough to want to feel better and get past this stage. Dont sit around and moan for someone who is probably with someone new and having the time of his life!!

I discoverd this site yesterday and i spent 2 days reading all the material, still feeling a bit sad but i know i got to get up and move on with my life and i cant wait to get to the point where i feel i am in control of my feelings again.

Toby this is good food for thought…

You have got to love yourself enough to want to feel better and get past this stage. Dont sit around and moan for someone who is probably with someone new and having the time of his life!!

Love it..so true! The good news is that we are all going through it together..and we don’t have to feel so alone. I, too, have my relapses that last a few minutes and I change my thoughts immediately and move on!

Better days are coming. And we’ll be so much stronger for it!

@Linda –
Dear Linda,

I am now sitting here 1.5 years after the breakup, and when it all happened, I felt just like you… I was alive but I was almost dead. That’s what people at work were telling me – I don’t know how I managed to work at all, it must’ve been my good reputation that didn’t allow me to slide down in everyone’s eyes, and people around me just felt that something was happening in my life, and they were worried but very supportive.

What I can tell you is… you will get through this, and you will be ok. It will go very slowly, and it will go in spirals: one day you will feel much better, and find something to be happy about. One day you may feel so so much pain again that you would want to shout. But you should know that soon it will be better.

If I would sum up things that made me have more of those happy days: travelling to new countries, being close to the sea, being in the forest, learning to paint (Chinese painting – and i always thought I can’t paint, but it helped me a lot), learning to dance, talking to people who are genuinely interested in me. The book “Coming Apart” by Daphne Rose helped me tremendously – I recommend it to you a lot.

What made me have more of those “black” days was: occasional contacts with my ex (I would feel happy the 1st day, and then it would plunge me into deadly depression for the following 2-3 weeks), and feeling angry with him for the breakup (angriness only makes you more depressed and more stuck in extremely negative feelings … – you should know that your ex is just a human being, and that he was agonizing for weeks or month before he broke up, too).

I also noticed from experience that when people tell you “forget about him because he doesn’t deserve you” it doesn’t really help… because it makes you angry and because you can’t really forget…

One thing that really helped me go through day by day is to look back at how many days or weeks I have survived already after the breakup. Let’s say 3 weeks. Well this means that if I am alive and OK, I can go on for another 3 weeks without him. When it’s 2 months – well it shows I can survive for another 2 months etc.. When you reach 6-7 months, it opens much wider horizons for your life – that’s when you are able to plan and act with lots of courage and enthusiasm.

You will be ok. Hang in there. We will support you.

I’m going through a breakup and it’s hard to deal with as well

crap. i wanted to tell my story. anyways, i’ve been through this before which makes this time around seem almost stupid because it wasnt even a long relationship. but i think i did fall in love with her. my first relationship was a 6 year one which ended and a year later i found out she had cheated on me. took me 2 years to get over that and i was on meds and had to go to hospital for 3 weeks to get over depression and suicidal issues. second one was for a year and a half. took me about a couple of months to get over it but not fully. i still missed her and stuff but i got over it and im not sure exactly how. with both of these though i did the constant calling and crying and spying that of course im not proud of but still ended up doing. After that i changed in a way where i dated a lot. i dated and never really put myself out there totally to get hurt again. i kepted a wall up for the longest time because not one person truthly took my breath away or seemed perfect. Well, then i met this girl. from day one of meeting her i was like oh wow. cool as hell and cute. we started dating and it only went on for a month. here’s what i think went wrong with the whole situation.
- she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. her ex had kicked her and i think she couldnt trust him because he had tried to cheat on her or soemthing. they broke up about a week before her and i started dating.
- first couple of weeks were great. we spent time together and had fun. the sex was amazing and then she started being distant.
- when i fall for someone im totally there but it didnt seem like she was at all. she told our mutual friend that i was moving too fast but never told me though i knew she had just gotten out of relationship. i bought gifts for her but she just thought it was overwhelming.
- she did tell me she had alot on her mind but she wasnt ready to open up to me on them yet and i just give her room and didnt dig into it much but in my mind i knew it had to be us because she was distancing herself from me
- last time week talked was a bit over a week ago. I havent tried calling or anything but what happened that day was i went over unannounced hoping i could drag her out to get her mind off stuff and have some fun. she had been sleeping all day and was feeling depressed over later i found out us but i knew or had a feeling. i guess i went over to put my mind at ease hoping i’d get a good response but i didnt get what i wanted. she was upset i had showed up and said that it wasnt ok and that it was freaky and stuff. i told her my intentions and she said she’s sad about us because she likes me but im moving too fast and that she had just got out of relationship. her ex is still in the picture i know this because he is still on her mind. but he was abusive so it strikes me hard to understand why he is still on her mind. anyways, so now im sitting here a bit sad wanting to calling but knowing i shouldnt. still though i dont know how much longer i can resist because i truly liked this girl and wanted to be with her. what do you guys think?

@Linda -

I know your break up is recent, and that you’re in the major throws of it right now…….I wanted to let you know that I just read a very good book…Men Who Can’t Love. It may not have a thing to do with your relationship, but even if not, it’s very good information to have before you are back out there, if you know what I mean.
Not wanting to scare you or anything…………………but man, these guys are the best of the worst!

@Alan –
Alan, I can understand how upset you are.

From what you wrote, I can tell that this girl is obviously not ready for a relationship yet – one week after a breakup is obviously not enough to clear your mind and especially your emotional self for being able to love and be loved and build a healthy relationship. Especialy, as she is coming from an abusive relationship, I would imagine it will take her months and months to work through the issues, and just to feel “normal” again.

When a person jumps into another relationship immediately after closing another one, this very seldom works, from my experience. When you break up, your mind is in a “fighting” mode, and that’s not exactly the mood for loving and caring for someone else. You can have sex with someone during this time, but at this period it is about not wanting to be lonely, to have some sort of affection. It’s a short term thing, I’m afraid.

I know this is extremely hard for you, but maybe you should step back and respect her and give her space, as this what she needs desperately. You need this too right now…

Good luck.

I really need time to pass. The relationship before this one I could get over with very soon, I only cared for that guy and we had a few problems. But this time, i know it will take more time, I loved this guy, a special person, I thought he was the one, my family and friends actually thought we would get married someday because we had so much in common .. any way he fell out of love. I know I can’t make anyone love me… It’s been nearly a month since this 3 year relationship ended. I’m trying to be more time with my friends and family, work towards my goals, … but somedays it isn’t that easy…

Its been 3months+ since I broke up with my ex. It was a dreadful, sad and stressfull one and I’m still in pain, mad and angry. It was my first relationship in my whole life, that makes it even harder. It’s hard for me to accept after giving all my best to him and to our relationship still he didn’t appreciate that much. Why is there such a person knowing everything about your life yet asking you things that he knows you can’t give at the moment. Why can’t he just accept me the way I am, understand, inspire and help me up. Why can’t be just the two of us and not letting no one interfere within us, he let his family came into the relationship. Is love measurable by how much savings you have? By how much money can you give to the relationship or to him? Is that how relationship works now? I can’t thank him or wish him luck after what had I experienced from him. I felt humiliated, embarassed, unloved, lost my self esteem, he/they just stepped on me. Where is the LOVE? Did he loved me at all?

He wanted to work it out again. He feels sorry and didn’t mean to hurt and stepped on me. It was just all about his insecuritties and everything will be different if I want to go back to him and that he will give me his full support, be more open, honest and responsible. But I said NO, because I believe that a person will never change. The problem we had and his insecuties will always be there. Its hard to trust him again and I don’t know if I can continue loving him as I used too.

He sent me a message wishing a merry christmas to me and my family. I thank him and wished him the same. After doing that, I felt relieved but I was crying. Im telling myself, that keeping the anger in me will not be healthy at all. I know by myself I didn’t do anything to ruin the relationship I was honest and just being myself. Eventually, I have to let go of all these feelings. I’m charging it all to experience. I’ve learned from it and true, this experience will make me more strong in life and be a better person. Someone invited me into his life but realized that we’re not meant to be and will never be, well, it could happen to anybody else all we have to do is accept and be smart in dealing with it.

There are many things in life that brings happiness to us. Our own family– who loves us unconditionally, our friends– who cheers and keeps your company especially when your down, the whole environment–explore the world there are many good things that is awaiting for us.

Now, I’m trying to be more positive in life. Working for a better life, keeping my head held high. But I remain the same and staying just the way I am for this is Me. Life is good, afterall.

Happy Holiday!

I was married for one year, and in relationship with the sam man for 5 years before marriage. a week ago I found out he had been cheating on me for almost 4 years, and after marriage he countinued !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m lost , the girl she was with is HOT and I think I’m not !!! I’m always thinking about his kindness and love to her, help meeeeeeeeeeeeee

thanks for the reply Anna. I felt better during the break since i went home to get away from everything here. though it’s probably just going to be tougher here since im alone and dont have quite as much friends here. I texted her on christmas day and wished her a merry christmas and that i hope everything was going well and i got a response later saying merry christmas to you too. that was it . i didnt expect much anyways. still hurts but not as much. im just afraid what im going to go through once shes in another relationship or worse back with her abusive ex whenever that happens. i do understand she needs time though and i’m respecting that right now. however hard it is for me i do understand where she’s coming from so that’s what’s prevently me from really any communication. i took christmas as a freebie sorry. anyways, for everyone else going through this emotional ride i wish you the best and hope it works out for the better.

Since July 2009 I have broken up with my boyfreind of 27 months 4 times. We tried the “lets be freinds” and for obvious reasons it didn’t work out. It’s has been 13 days and counting since the LAST time I said goodbye to him. He is my first love, the only person I ever let that close to me, the only one I ever felt myself with. We shared so much in 27 months, holidays and experiences. I put him 1st in my life, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. There was a time in my life when I thought that he was “the One”. A couple of months ago he bought his first car but even before that we started drifiting apart. He was there going through the mothions in a relationship, he kept taking form me and gave nothing back. But the car was just the final push. Along with the pride and thrill of his first car came all this attention from other girls. And ultimatley thats when things went south. I saw him less, he partied more & drank more. I know he loves me but he has issues. Someimes love is not enough you need to WANT to be there. He is too scared of committing to me and this relationship, scared that when he commits something better might come along and he will be stuck. His dad has a kid with another woman and I think subconsiously he keeps pushing away when things get serious because he fgeels like he needs to “live his life” before he gets married so he won’t do the same thing. There are rumours and I keep hearing stories about other girls who want to be with him or (because we work for the same company) I hear if he was with someone. That’s the jardest part for me now, imaginging him with someone else. It hurts alot. I’m over most of the heartache, I accept that we are not together and I know this is what is best for me. I get angry sometimes whe I think that he has thrown away everything we had for good times. I still miss him I wonder what’s he doing, who is he with. He lied to me alot, cheated on me, broke me down – I never felt good enough for him. I’ve been seen a therapist and it helps. I realise now that he lost someone who loved him unconditionally despite knowing all of him.

@Muneera – It sounds like you went and still going through a lot. Though, it seems it was very noble and brave of you to have broke it off in order to have closure and maintain your dignity. too often we blame love for the pains we experience, rather than the person we loved that caused us the pain. The car, the youth, the materials things will fade and what then? It will be his loss in the end. You chose in what you Want and Need from a relationship and so did he. I hope that you find rothe love you looking for finds you.

Do you think someone can really just stop loving you? Can you really stop loving someone?

Originally Posted By alikaI really need time to pass. The relationship before this one I could get over with very soon, I only cared for that guy and we had a few problems. But this time, i know it will take more time, I loved this guy, a special person, I thought he was the one, my family and friends actually thought we would get married someday because we had so much in common .. any way he fell out of love. I know I can’t make anyone love me… It’s been nearly a month since this 3 year relationship ended. I’m trying to be more time with my friends and family, work towards my goals, … but somedays it isn’t that easy…

Exactly the same as me – but my relationship was seven years..Just out of interest, how old is everyone on this site? I’m 21 and feeling like my world has ended – am I too young to have put my whole heart and head in this relationship?

@ anotherdud
Well you were right. Called the other day because her and ex-husband (theyre now living together, “for the kids”) had an argument about me. He’s being his “normal self” not attending to any of her needs and she mentioned that her “old boyfriend” did everything for her. He told her to go back then.
So, long story short she calls me crying telling me that she loves me and doesnt know how long she can do this with him…blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, she still went back to his house, and theyre going on a “family” get away.
God I wish I had never answered the phone. Wish I never met her.
Thing is, we have this business together so we have to interact daily!
Not sure what I did in my past life to deserve all this, but hope it just all goes away! Cant sleep, cant eat…..just think about what was supposed to be and what was promised to me!
Thanks for listening……………….

@Mauriccio –

Thank you for your comment. Yesterday I found out that he is seeing another girl, even took her home for Christmas. My already broken heart almost couldn’t handle it and then I realised that all this stuff that he is doing (other girls, partying, drinking) just makes me realise that I made the right decision. I packed his stuff up last night and put it away – for the first time in months I’m ready to let go completely. I believe that there are great guys out there, he is not the last person I will love. There is someone who will go the distance with me.

@mary – Too often in fail relationships the person who has put much of the work; who has put faith; who has believe that over time the relationship will endure; those individuals, those people put blame on themselves. I do not think that someone who has put effort, had faith, who have overlooked the faults ; since, when did that become a bad thing. We ask wether we were beautiful enough, were we outgoing, or maybe too outgoing, did we cook enough, were we good enough in bed, did we say the right things……….so many if’s. And that is just it; what if you had done more and still he/she would had left? So you say she is HOTT!! and this may sound like some bogus rhetoric thats been said too many times, but whatever happen to her inner beauty. I have known plenty of pretty people with no character, their outer looks is the closest thing to beauty that we will ever see from them and everything thereafter is shallow and bleak. If they are not; then, more power to them they are beautiful in the outside and inside. But how about you! You were married for one year and with him for five years!? What kept him in the relationship? Why did he choose to marry you? Unless you kept him in a dungeon; then, this man had choices. Let me say it one more time CHOICES! It is those choices that you need to focus on and not the Barbie (Mattel) he is with. Something is special about you for him to have made those choices. Those special things about you that make you unique is who you are; it is what attracted him to you. Unless you are going about throwing bags of money around town to attract men; then, the likely possibility that you willl attract the “Mister Right” is very possible. Rather than focusing on how he sees her or how Hott! She is focus put hose efforts on how HOTT >>> YOU ARE! I understand that it hurts and is not easy but rather than imagining “how he looks at her” ask yourself this ” How can someone be possible of such kindness when they have cheated, misled, used/abused, lied, and disregarded someone who they may a vow to cherish” I would be asking what do you have to gain fi he manages not gain but lose then he will return to you. The question there lies “will you take him back after all he has done?” Appreciate yourself, love yourself and expect nothing less of yourself. You deserve better and if you put just half the effort that you put into that elationship just onto yourself; You just find “Mr Right” around the corner. I wish you many blessings but not luck. Luck normally plays itself as long as our courage holds up. Have the courage to move forward to something better.

@Muneera – Sometimes we question wether we made the right or wrong decision; I think he very much validated what you had known all along but was cautious to put an end to it. It will hurt especially around this time; but look at it this way would you want to put your love onto the hands of someone that so easily disregards it. Hold firm, hold yourself high; there is nothing wrong with you. In good time you will look back and smile and shake your head in disbelief that you cried for someone who was careless with the one thing that you were willing to give UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! What is worst is those who claim to have love us and show no compassion for the ones they have hurt!! Smile

@Sophie – I do not think getting over someone was or is ever easy specially if you truly loved them. They are people outhere who say it is not difficult to get over someone but at the same time they are already committing to another relationship; it is almost like transferring (emotions & feelings) onto another person, that may work but temporarily. We are and not all situations are a cookie cutter shape; they as we all are different and unique. I think that in order for someone to continue or for that matter hope to ever love again, they must first go through a healing phase. We must come to grip that our love might have been rejected or the person did not love us they way we love them, but that does not mean that there is something wrong with us. I think we can all have that relationship where we feel we can conquer anything and then be all gone and come out better. I did not always believe but now I do…Leave or if they leave you….leave them a better person or the same when you found them; and the same for you. If you are worst off, it was best then that the relationship ended. At 21 years of age you still have a lot to learn and experience and do hope that the what you experience is unconditonal love from the next person that finds you.

hey i was just wondering if anyone can give me advice,
my ex dumped me again today, im so devestated. his reasons were that i was too close to him, that i wanted more than he could give me and now i can find a new full time bf my own age.
i was just wondering if someone could give me some advice as i have important exams in less than a months time, and i try to concentrate on them instead of him but hes in my mind so much its unreal

@Sophie –

im 18 and i had my heart and head in it, it doesnt matter about your age, its how mature you feel

@kat –

My bf split with me 6 weeks ago with my 3rd year university course work due in 1 week. I went to my lecturer who was so good too me and put in an extenuating circumstances report for me and recommended I get a doctors note and at least try to get the work done. I know it’s so hard to even focus on what day it is, let alone concentrate on work – but speak to someone who can help you out and use it to your advantage.
X

@wen –
How are you?
Were you able to enjoy your son’s company and the holidays?
Let me know okay?
Commitment Phobia….boomerang love……….
might want to look those up and see if it fits?
You and I both know …. if some one really loves you, they don’t walk in and walk out as they please without taking your feelings into consideration…………if they’re able to.

@chris – @chris –

So sorry Chris….
She will be back. As long as you keep letting her.
She wants attention, it sounds like, from the man that she’s with.
She’s using you to get his attentions, even if they are negative.
She would LOVE to know she has someone else, somewhere else, if things don’t work out with him…
but you seem to me that you deserve much better?
What do you think?

It’s been 32 days for me today……..and I’ve come a very long way, overnight! I’m looking within, and I’m finding answers. As much as we would love to blame someone else sometimes, it’s really our own choices, determined by our own pasts.
That’s my observation right now anyway……….
IF I make any further progress, I’ll be glad to share it! ha

@kat – @wen –
I can try to give you advice…….but unlike me in the beginning, you need to be able to listen? I didn’t.
I noticed you said he dumped you “again”?
You may want to research boomerang love, commitment phobia. You may be fighting a battle that you can’t win,
but that you can save yourself from, along with your dignity
and self esteem.
I should have trusted my instincts 8 years ago….I just didn’t want to beleive it. Sometimes, your brain tells you something but your heart won’t let you listen. Knowledge is power dear.
I hope I’m off the mark? But, even if I am, it’s something you should research, learn about, and STAY AWAY FROM!!
Good luck Darling……….Time heals all wounds.

@Sophie –

Hey Sophie, I’m 46 and you asked “are you too young to put your heart and head into this?” My answer is no…..I believe that if you are going to do anything it should be done fully, completely and honestly. What’s the point otherwise? You loved this person and they didn’t appreciate it…..someone will but you will never find your true love if you don’t give of yourself completely….make sense?

Love and Happy New Year,

D