Hi can anbody help.Can you still be friends with your ex’s family?Please see me posts on page 9.Im still finding my break up quite hard.My boyfriend split with me about 1 yr ago now.The problem is whil we were together i got friendly with his sister.I helped her throughout a couple of break ups she had.When me and my ex broke she still said that she wanted to be friends.My ex has been seeing another girl until recently.i dont know if he cheated on me or not.She has been very close to me stillin the last year and i appreciate her not cutting me off which i feel he has done.I try not to talk about him to her as i dont want to put her in the middle and they are actually so so close.She has told me her family think the very highly of me and so does he.The problem is i find it so hard when she asks me things like have u met anyone or kissed anyone as ai feel like i have to lie to her.I have just spent new yrs with her which was a very bad choice.I told her i had been a little down about things lately and she said if it makes u feel any better he split up with his gfriend cus she was bossy.Louise the sister says she hated her.I have since found out the girl actually split up with him and hes devestated!she split up with him becuase he is going travelling.I have also since found out that the new girlfriend helped louise (the sister) this summer with various problems.I have helped her too.Louise told me she hated her!its all just lies.When she tells me these things i ask questions and i get upset.The thing is Louise (the sister) doesnt know everything that went on afetr the split (him still living withy me and i feel he used me for sex)i stupidly thought it would make hims stay.She also doesnt know about some of the nasty things he said to me.I cant tell her these things because she loves him so much.On new yrs i did say that he should have moved out when he split up with me, and it was the 2 mths living together that has now made me feel more desperate.She then said well u wanted him to stay which i did.But i said it was both our faults and he should have left.She then turned on me about something.Since then its been awkward.She says she doesnt waht to loose our friendship but she feels in the middle.I dont know waht to do, as every time she mentions him (she bought him up on nw yrs) i burst in to tears.I know her loyalties lie with him.It didnt help how i keep comparing myself to his now ex.She is so so different to me, and i feel hes so attracted to her becuase of this.Can anyone help can i be friends with my exs sister or is it best just to cut all ties.Has anybody had this problem?I want to move on and be happy.I just hate endings and i always want everything to end smoothly and there be no hard feelings.I need to find the right path to take.

Hi Tess,

I am in a very similar situation. I was always close to my ex’s brother and then we he broke up with me, his brother Scott and I became best friends. Initially, I put some distance between us, because I didn’t want it to appear to just be holding on, because Scott was his brother. But Scott kept reaching out to me and our other mutual friends. I made the decision that if I were going to be his friend that I didn’t want to know about Jason (my ex). So, yeah Scott was the one to tell me that Jason was seeing someone new (and it was only a week or two after he broke up with me). They broke up in the summer for 5 months, but they started up again in Oct of last year and still dating.

What I would recommend is that make sure you’re friends with his sister because you like her as a friend. Scott & I were already close before Jason & I broke up. Don’t be friends with her just to keep tabs on your ex. And yes, she is in the middle. You have to understand that its her brother. There is no way around that. And you have to be understanding that yes, they are going to be friends with the new girlfriend. You can’t fault her for that, its her brother’s girlfriend. But obviously she likes you as a friend and I’m sure she does wish that her brother were dating you, as my friend Scott does me & his brother. But the fact of the matter is that they have both moved on. So now you have to do the same.

I balance the time I spend with my friend Scott because he is Jason’s brother. And I’m sure that Jason asks about me, not because he cares, but he’s a guy, and he’d want to know if I were dating anyone. So, recently I did start dating again, no one in particular, but just dating. I also make a point in having a full busy life, took me a while to get here, but I made the effort. Spending NYE with the sibling, wasn’t my choice. I just didn’t want my ex to know what I was doing on NYE..but your greatest revenge is to make sure that the ex knows that you have a life and that you’re not somewhere pining over him. It just feeds his ego to know that you don’t, and makes you feel worse. Cuz it’s like you’re not living, but thinking about what he’s doing. Don’t be on the outside looking at his life, be on the inside and living yours!

Don’t be sorry or feel bad for the mistakes you made with him. I’m sure you loved him and at the time you thought it was the right thing to do. Remember you did the best that you could at that time. Forgive yourself and become better. Learn & grow from every mistake. We’ve all made them. I am so guilty of that, but I decided that I can’t go back & change things. But I can pick up the pieces and become a better Lacey. Knowing that next time, I will be stronger and handle things better. This is where I find my peace and it propels me to move on..

So, yes, you can be friends with an ex’s sibling..but keep it to that. Don’t ask about the ex. Tell your friend that you don’t want to know about him or what he’s doing. Enjoy your friendship with her. Have fun! Live a little. This will get back to him, and you will feel so empowered!

Hugs,

Lacey

@Lacey –
@ Tess

I totally agree with Lacey, you need to keep contact for the right reasons. I was really close to his mom and after we broke up she told me I was still very much apart of her life and that I was always welcome at her house. I still called her a couple of time after that and we even went out to dinner once.Then I called her one day and she was strange with me. Not rude or anything but I could just hear in her voice she wasn’t herself, two days later I found out he was seeing another girl and I realised this is the reason that she wasn’t wierd with me. So I decided to distance myself from her. I don’t want to put her on the spot so that she thinks she needs to be loyal to me, it is her son’s girlfreind. I’m still friends with two of his cousins but I have made it clear to them that I don’t want to know about him or whats going on in his life and they respect that. All of Lacey’s comments ring true, be happy with yourself, want to move on and then do it. Control what you can in a situation, that which you cannot control – Let it go. You will be ok, promise!

@Lacey –
Hi Lacey many thanks for your reply.I do want to be friends with her but yes it is hard hearing things about him.I fear she doesnt want to be my friend anyway now,after i said a couple of things to her over new yr.(I said he should have moved out when he first split up with me not 2 mths later as thats why i am even more upset about stuff now) and it was both our faults as i wanted him to stay.he should have just left and i should have told him to go and be stonger.she wasnt very happy with that and said you were the one who wanted him to stay.he said he wanted to help me through it but really i think he was just being lazy and didnt want to move to his mums.I said i wanted to write her an email to explain why i was upset over nw yrs (hearing about him going travelling) as we went togther once.I wrote the email and i havnt heard a thing.Maybe its for the best that we are not in touch, she has taken me off as a friend on face book now as i said i saw some pics on her wall of her, her bro and his now ex.She said i shouldnt be looking on there but i was replying to a mesage she had sent me!I just feel like they both think im some sort of stalker now and a weirdo but its just hard to let go of somebody you cared for.I think the best thing to do is just try to forget her now and anything to do with their family.Just dont like things to end in a bad way and i fear it has and that makes me feel like crap!!Any way thanks so much for your advice its nice to hear that you are doing well.take care.xxxxxxx

@Makkie –
Thanks makkie, its true i dont want to hear whats going on in his life as it hurts to much.As brother and sis they are so close and even though i try no to ask i still put her in the middle.I do want to be her friend though, although i fear its over between us after some things i said at nw yr.I know i just need to let it go now.xxx

I just wanted to thank everyone on this site. My ex broke up with me a month ago and ended our 3 and a half year relationship. He explained that he fell out of love with me and he tried to be nice about it. I was devastated because I put in so much effort into our relationship but I figured if you love someone you have to let them go.

It was a week later I found out that it was because he was falling for a flirtatious coworker. It killed me because I truly loved him and never expected him to do that to me and most of all I have friends who were his co workers and they didn’t say anything to me about this other woman.

That was when I found myself searching the internet and discovered this place. I religously read the articles everyday and honestly it would help me sleep. I finally understood why people would say that the nights are the worst.

Now I can say I’m happy now even though its only been a month I’ve come to the realization that God doesn’t put you in situations that you can’t handle and if one door closes it just means a better one is waiting for you.

I still get a little sad when I think of him and his other woman together but I know there are better things in store for me.

To all those who are just breaking up or just broke up in dec just think “New Year New You” its not the end but a chance to start anew.
Everything is true no contact rule and mostly love yourself! Keep busy try to not be alone on days off and just let your friends hold the steering wheel for a while!

Thank you again and God Bless!

@elle –
for me it’s been waking up so early in the morning, when every body else in my house is asleep, I get insomnia like 1 or 2 hours.

Many blessings to all of you this incoming year.

@elle – Sorry to hear that. Though, I admire your positive outlook and true it is not easy. God only gives enough to bear. Everyone who has posted, well they havent given up in life or in love because, we are still willing to share. Kudos to you!

I had that problem before but for the most part it was self induced and at that time very discomforting but now looking back, I laugh at myself. My girlfriend broke up with me on New Year’s two years ago. Well, I can’t say for everyone but as for me, I ended analyzing myself and attempting toreinvent myself (lol). I remember commenting to my friends “I will show her.” So I decided to get fit and take my school more serious. So I decided to purchase this Metr-x and got into the gym even more than before. I should have read the entire intructions rather than just the suggested intake amount. I took my tablets religiously everyday at 6:00 p.m. and went to the gym. I was up from that point on till nearly 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I did hit the gym a lot and it help me study more than I thought. As for sleep, I nearly slept my way through school. (lol) Though, I must say it was not until my last week of my tablets that I read the rest of the directions and it said ” Best if taken at morning” I knew then why. (lmao) I dont know how I made it that semester, but I did end up with a 4.0, fit and somehow over time just got over her. Going through it was rough, looking back as I share with friends they definetely get a good laugh and so do I. Nope, we never did get back together and do not regret it. I never called her, or looked for her. We dated for three years and have seen each other once in passing. No regrets a small exchange of greetings and we move on. Hope it serves at least a laugh for someone who needs a smile. : )

@alika

Its always the alone times that are the worst… I had to sleep with the tv on just so when I close my eyes there is no silence!

I don’t usually do things like this to be honest, I’m quite a reserved and like to keep things to myself. But I could really do with some advice.

My boyfriend split up with me almost 2 months ago now after 7 years together. No arguments, no sign of any trouble, just told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and couldn’t see any future for us, that he isn’t the person he once was. I’m 21 and we’d been together since we were 14. I completely heartbroken. The worst thing is, he doesn’t contact me and has totally broken off any relationship between us..i.e being friends. My heartaches when I go on facebook and see him having the time of his life with his friends and yes other girls. How can he and his friends be so cruel to portray his perfect single life on facebook to everyone watching…and me. I feel like a fool. I have great friends and family, I’ve been out and keeping myself busy, but there isn’t a minute that goes by when I don’t think about him. He’s hurt me incredibly bad. But I just keep expecting my phone to ring and him to tell me he’s made a mistake. He went to uni 2years ago so it’s not even that he wants to be single…I don’t think.
It was hard to come on here, my family and I have a trip booked to Florida for August, he was booked in to come. I’m so hurt.
I just need some advice how to move on..

@Sac –

My b/f broke up with me 3months ago after 5 years together. A few days ago I found out he had a new girlfriend and he’s been with her since we broke up! Guess how I found out, no he didn’t tell me, I found out from facebook! Yes facebook! I was devastated to say the least. I got such a shock. I know exactly how you feel, how can he move on without so much as a thought of me, it hurt me deeply, it still does, especially when I could see all her photos etc.

I know what advice I should be giving you, delete him from facebook, it’s the only way to stop torturing yourself, but it’s not as easy as that is it? If you’re like me you’ll keep putting it off, I just want to keep an eye on what’s going on in his life. It’s so wrong and it’s so unhealthy, I know this but I just can’t bring myself to block him!!! It’s such a horrible situation. I hope you have more strength that I do. I am still going to try and move on with my life. It’s not easy at all. You will have ups and downs, you are going with this guy since you were 14! You haven’t experienced adult life on your own, you have such an adventure ahead of you girl! You are entering the best years of your life and if you allow yourself, you will enjoy life and be happy in yourself once again! The best thing to do is surround yourself with loving friends and family and even if you don’t feel like it, smile, the feeling that is showing on your face will eventually seep into the mind and body. Have faith in yourself. Delete him from facebook if you can, I hope you can find the strength xxx

@Sac –
Hi there when i read your story my heart ached for you.I know it is so so hard to going from seeing them all the time then just nothing.And you were togther from such a young age.Me and my boyfriend have been split up for a yr now.The whole thing with facebook is just awful, but you cannot help yourself from looking I know i was the same until he removed me from facebook, not long after the split.I continued to look at his friends profiles and his profile pic and his sisters profile until i just one day thought i cant do this as i was just torturing myself and making myself feel worse and worse. so i removed his friends and blocked him.Until just recently his sister has removed me.(See my earlier postspage 9 and 12.) CK is right though It really is for the best though.You cant keep doing it to yourself.I just keep saying to myself i am young i am young (im 26) and there will be somebody else.And thats what you should too.Just keep looking forward to things like your hol in Florida.Take care of yourself.xxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Eddie, thank you for the article, I really appreciate you took the time to write it, it completely changed my perspective to the better.

Thanks!

@Sac –

I am sorry to hear of your recent breakup. Indeed, it is bad enough that somehow your boyfriend was not honest enough but his friends who I am sure some are yours as well knew of it. In reference to his friends well ” the devil you know is better than the devil you dont know.” I am not going to sit hear speak to you of them since this is about “YOU!” You have known him since you were 14 and somewhere along that time you fell in love. Love is an awesome feeling and you should remember that becasue you will fall in love again someday! For now it should be about you, focus on yourself, sometimes we spent so much time worrying so much about the other person we forget about us. Listen to the messages sent to you. Ck has a very good point and you should delete him, why torture yourself and deepened the heartache. I can assure you; you will always love him and he will always have a special place in your heart. Moving on will not be easy but it wont be easy. Have the courage to move forward, share with close friends and family. Remember love is not what hurts us, it is the person whom we love that hurts. You are yound so do not become disalusioned and tainted to the point that you will not want to fall in love again. I wish you well

@Ck

That is horrible you found out through facebook. So sorry to hear that. So incompassionate and heartless. I, myself am going through something similar. I was with the love of my life for 8 years (as of new years). We moved to FLA for my job 4 years ago and began living with each other. This past october she moved out saying that we would appreciate each other more and that she wanted that so we could evetually marry, etc… So i took it for face value. She moved THREE streets down, and i spend the first week with her at her place. Two days later, text her, no reply, so i decided to WALK to her place and see if she was up. Well, white truck in the driveway i’d never seen, go to the door and look over at the window and there she is on top of some other guy making out like she’s known him for a lifetime. I was devastated. However, a week later we spent the whole week together going out to eat, talking about our future, etc…spend an assload of money on dinners. Thanksgiving went to Key West and had a blast. We didn’t mention the other guy at this point. I didn’t want to. So, a day later i decided to stop by with some flowers and loe and behold, the white truck was there in her driveway. I haven’t spoke to her since and she didn’t return any of my texts, emails, etc since Thanksgiving. Absolutely heart breaking when she didn’t call or anything on our 8 year anniversary NYE.
So that was it for me. I deleted my Account so that she couldn’t keep tabs on me, so i couldn’t keep tabs on her, and so that she couldn’t find out who i was posting to, etc… It’s really hard, but what you leave yourself is your dignity and self worth. You know you don’t deserve it, you know it’s making it harder when you see their photo, yet we torture ourselves because it’s easier to cry than it is to stand up for yourself sometimes. I’m in the “Anger Phase” now because i have to drive by her apartment every day on the way to and from work and see this truck over there. She used to try to hide it in the driveway behind some trees, but now she just leaves it out in the street. More recently, it’s been there overnight, for many nights.
I cannot explain the pain and hurt i have felt from this. At one point I came close to eating a presciption in its entirety. But, it seems to be getting a little better everyday. You become calissed (spelling?) and it bothers you less and less.
So my question to you is, how are you doing after 3 months? It’s been about two and some change for me, but damn, it’s rough.

Hi everyone, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 2 days ago. We were talking about living together and getting married. I love him completley and fullu thought and still think he is the one for me. He broke up with me out of nowhere with practically no explaination- he simply said he wasn’t ready to get married and he needed time apart. Everyone keeps telling me he’ll come back but he has not contacted me at all. I’m terrified the first thing he will say to me is to get my things from his apartment. I’m devastated. I don’t know how I can go on.

Hi Tes

I’m rely sorry about the break up, well i’m in the very same boat with my ex sister, the worse part of my story my ex and i share a child. the sister 22 years of age got twins a boy and a girl, there father does not even know how they look, because the my ex mother and father is living there lives for them, they telling them when to do what and how to do it. my ex is now working for the twins because he was told to do so by his mother and father in the same time he treats his own child like what ever he do for her its a favor its like he met me with the child. the reason why the sister is friends with me is because she’s using me to get the childrens father back, and now that i’f helped her so far to be incontac with the father again, she and the mother is busy talking behind my back. when she’s with me they pretend and its so blend u can see they pretending.

SO TO U MY FRIEND DONT TRUST HER SHE STILL WANE BE FRIENDS WITH U SO U CAN NOT MOVE ON AND FORGET ABOUT HER BROTHER ( BEHIND YOUR BACK THEY TALK ABOUT U) SO PLEASE BREAK ALL TIES AND MOVE ON IF U GONE KEEP ON BEING FRIENDS WITH HER U WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REALY HEAL EMMOTIONALY.

I read the article above and the following comments to get over a recent breakup that I had initiated. We were together for 1 1/2 years and lived together for 10 months. The first time living with a girlfriend so maybe it was simply something that I was not used to or we were just not compatible; I think more the latter. She has a 5 year old daughter that lived with us also so that was a big adjustment to the previous life I had lived. The problem is, despite initiating the breakup and I know it was for the best, I still miss them tremendously. I am not sure if it is missing the companionship or not wanting her with someone else, but when we had good times, they were great and we had bad times, they were horrible. She is picking up some things today that she had left behind during her move and its weird, because I can’t wait to see her but I dread seeing her. I am in a place now that I know I need to move on and find someone that I can be happy with but I have little motivation to enter the dating world again, but I have to snap out of it. Quite possibly similar to the stories above where the ex gf’s are upset that the ex bf’s are dating again. For my situation, it is not because I want to right now, but I feel that I have to. My friends and family are happy about it because they didn’t like her, but its going to be tough to completely exit a loving relationship.
Here’s the takeaway: whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, there is going to be hurt, anger and regret. I am in the beginning stages of moving past that but certainly not where I want to be, and again I initiated the breakup.

i am sure you have heard all the “everything happens for a reason”, “you deserve better” quotes…not only do i want to remind you of these things, but i want to let you know that no matter what we (women) do, we will always be our biggest critics….we seldomly give ourselves credit where credit is do…we forget to remind ourselves about the times we “were there” for our counterparts, the times we put that extra donut away so we wouldn’t pick up those extra pounds, the meals we cooked or dates we planned, the laughs we initiated….you have to remind yourself of who you are as an individual….heart breaks are easy to cause, but takes time to get over….advice? occupy your time—i would read (the Bible), and novels (no love novels—lol)—i took classes (cake decorating at the local crafts store), and line dance lessons, anything to buy time….work on you, build your confidence and character…..you will not loose…..no more blaming yourself….okay?

this is not a male or female thing, its a human thing. for all of us who are suffering enough to post here should understand, its the first rung on the ladder of recovery. blaming or excusing because of gender or for any reason, is just plain fear and denial applied in unhealthy ways, keeping one in the cycle of hurt. put your humanity before your gender, and listen to your heart and yes, stand up for yourself, and go for what you want, not what you think you need. You may not know what you want, because its been based on someone elses wants and needs, codepencey. Learn how to make you feel good, without dependency, instead of needing someone to make you feel good. your happiness is your responsibility, just as is your unhappiness. and those are YOUR choices to make. Understand that feeling bad in these times is the hardest thing to let go of, and when you feel the initial pain of your recovery, its the knife comming out, which hurts much more than when it goes in. its easier to just push it back in right? with reminders of them, checking up on them, feeling abandoned, feeling that thier needed to ease the pain, or blaming in general, blaming yourself or them is pushing the knife back in, hating them or your self is the same. hate is what you do when you hang on to your anger, thats why it burns, blaming is an excuse to hate, let it go, get physical with it in safe ways, there are many creative ways to do this. and cry as much as you need to, its the knife coming out, be proud of yourself for taking control in this way, and do it as often as needed.

Sean,
Its important that you not let your friends and family help you to blame her, it will keep you spinning out of control, but know yourself that you are each responsible, your responsible for 100% of the mistakes you made, and she is 100% responsible for those that she made. Learn from them all. And if you don’t feel like dating, than don’t, rebound relationships are really just ones that push you deeper down the pit your trying to get out of right now, and its the pit that you were already in before you split. act in ways that allow you to Accept yourself first, trust yourself first, respect yourself first, and keep fear as your friend and guide, not the ruler of your soul. trust your fear but dont fear your trust, for fear left to dominate us in this way is what is behind all the things that cause us pain.

Thanks Brad.

I have been stabbing myself for the past 3 months. When I think I am able to pull the knife out I just push it in deeper. You see I am with my husband. Still living together. He does not want to leave. But he also acts as if he does not want to be with me.

He says he never said he didn’t want to be with me. Yet he is never home. He says he never said he did not love me, yet he is making me suffer like this. He contradicts all that he says. At this point we are just living in the same household. I have told him numerous times to leave but he says he does not want to. He says he does not know what he wants. This has been the worse time of my life.

We have invested 21 years of our lives together. We have an 18 year old in College. We own 2 homes. I told him I really don’t care about the houses because I will sell them or whatever. Our attorney’s can settle that. I told him once he leaves there are no reconciliations- I want a divorce. I just want to move on with my life. This life in limbo I am living in- is horrible.

Quite frankly my dear, I would hire a PI and see what he’s up to. This can only help you in the end, if in fact, there’s someone else. It will help you with legalities, and moving on.
You do not deserve to live your life in limbo.
Sounds like a man that wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Do not hurt yourself, or continue letting him hurt you.

I know your pain. Mine finally left. He told me he didn’t love me anymore, and that it was over, but expected me to “act normal” until after Christmas, at which time he would leave. I couldn’t do that, and I sent him on his way……..I tried to do it, for 3 weeks, but it was killing me, and he didn’t even mind watching me die in front of him!

Some people are evil and selfish beyond belief.
You have a child, though one in college, your child nonetheless.
I do too. I have two……..
They deserve to have their Mother……..and that’s why I’m still here, building strength, physically and mentally, to fight for my rights and theirs.

I find great comfort in the Bible, am seeing a therapist (as long as I can afford to), and struggle each day with the will to go on…..but it does get better. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I’m looking forward to seeing? I’m 51..and you sound much younger?

Hang in there. I will be here for you if you need me.

hey guys I really need some advice. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I just broke up one week ago. Today is my birthday and it’s the worst I’ve ever felt!!! I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate him!!! I feel so empty and worthless. We lived together for the past year and my 2 year old even called him da da! I left him but he won’t answer any of my calls or text messages. Everyone keeps telling me to stop calling and texting but I miss him Why doesn’t he miss me?? How is it so easy for him?? How can he just never talk to me again?? He would go out all night and turn off his phone while i would sit there waiting for him to get home…. People keep telling me if he loves me then he will come back!! What do I do someone please stop this pain!

@ Anotherdud

Thanks for your advice. I don’t have time to exhaust myself with PI’s or anything like that. I know that I don’t deserve to be treated this way but I am still here. Don’t care about anything anymore. If he wants to be with someone else then he can go. I just want to move on with my life.

I will be turning 36 on Feb 12. I am so dreading that day and Valentine’s Day. I will probably be going away for that weekend.

I am just so unhappy and depressed. I think that once he leaves, I file for divorce and we settle our finances, I know I am going to be okay. I just gotta go thru this right now for one reason or another. God will deliver me from this difficult time in my life hopefully soon.

I just don’t understand how can people hurt those they claim to love so much.

@wen –
Girl, I am with you on that. How can you claim to love someone and treat them that way? God makes us all different from one another, and men completely opposite!
Mine says he’s a commitment phobe. Ya think?????????
To me, that’s just an excuse to run, be selfish and treat people like shit! Just because you can’t feel their pain, doesn’t give you that license to mistreat people. I think every commitment phobe should be castrated! haha
If he’s running around, you’ll get lots more alimony…at least that’s the way it is in NC. I think mine was/is, but I can’t prove it……You are so young! You’ve got the best ahead of you! Get rid of him…it might be what it takes to get him to notice? Good luck

Please someone Help me! My boyfriend and I broke up around thanksgiving just because of his lack of communication. Since then we have been dealing with each other the same way as if we were dating. Until recently I found out he was seeing another gurl who he started dealing with in October. Ive been with him for two years, stood by him when he went to Iraq when he came home helped him find work and when he was out of work supported the both of us. He has been carring on this relationship since Decemeber with this lady. The whole time we have been apart we have been quote un quote working on our relationship. I found the gurls number and called her and told her about us. She still wants to be with him though. He lied to her as well as me. Y would she still stick around. My heart has been trampled over and stabbed to death. If he would of just been honest with me none of this would of happened but he lead me on. Y? I called the suicide hotline lastnite. I really feel like im dying. IDK what to do with myself how to cope. Please someone Help me !

@Simone – wow i totally am with you there!! I’m here to talk. I almost thought about committing suicide too!! You feel so desperate and helpless right….. I’m here to talk. Me and my boyfriend just broke up a week ago we lived together and were together for a year and a half. my daughter even called hiim dad!! I’m only 20 so I know I’m still young but it’s still hard

Lisa, it is best to let him go….Time helps everything….i felt the same way, years ago….and not to compare scenarios, but my “man” and the child of my father were ready to get married as well, in 2002…we broke up, and then last september, we began “growing on”—together….so Glorious this time…yes, i know you are thinking, 7 years…and it may not take him that longggggg….but i will tell you this, a man who asks for space, give it to him….you will benefit from it in the long run…occupy your time with friends, books, writing, cake decorating classes, yoga, you get the point….i wish you the best, and one last thing….do not call him…..or text or email….

I just found this site and reading everyone’s advice is comforting. I just really need to vent and would like to know what you guys think. My ex broke up with me for good 3 days ago and my feeling are still very raw. We were on again off again for 8 years, more on then off. We were 18 when we got together. He moved to Fl from NJ back in 2003 with his family and at that point we had been together for 2 years. I stuck with him and the only reason I couldn’t move with him is because I was a junior in college and just wanted to finish. Anyway, about 3 months of him being down in Fl he broke up with me for the first time, saying he felt trapped by me since I wasn’t there and he felt like he couldn’t go out and meet people because he felt that I would get mad. So I was upset but I let him go. I kept telling myself our love was strong enough for him to come back to me. I always felt that his guy was “the one” That was the begining of the on again, off again.

When we were on again we would fly to see each other. I can’t even begin to think about how much money I’ve spent traveling to see him. We were off again we would date other people but we would always come back to each other. And we would always say the same thing, that it just didn’t feel right with anyone else. About a year ago, I told him that I was at the point in my life when I really wanted to be serious and if he couldn’t see spending his life with me then we need to go our separate ways for good. He told me he only wanted me and that’s all he’s ever wanted but he never thought I really felt the same way. So we started to make plans for me to move down and for us to live together. My job was in NJ and I told him once I found a job down in Fl I would officially move. I didn’t have a saving and the economy was so bad i was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find a job if I moved with out one. I was down to visit him 4 times in the past year and it was great! He was always telling me how he couldnt wait for us to live together and he couldnt wait to propose to me. He would talk about what he wanted for our wedding. He even picked out our future kids names. He seemed like he was really serious. I was completely in love with him. I couldnt wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I couldnt picture spending my life with anyone but him .

Well its now a year later, and the economy is finally looking up and I just got a job offer down there. Well I bought my tix and hired movers and was ready to go, he moved into “our” apartment a few months ago and his parents we’re helping him pay for it. The last time I was down we started decorating the apartment together. Everything finally felt like it was falling into place. 7 days before I was too leave NJ for Fl for good, he gets really weird. Very stand offish and really nasty. I find out he has been hooking up with a 16 year old…he is 26. I find all this out threw facebook and when I approach him, he doesnt deny any of it. Of course I flip out. I could feelt my heart completely shatter. Not only is he cheating on me, but what he’s doing is extremely illegal. He tells me that I made him do it because i didnt move down sooner and he was lonely when I wasnt there and now he doesnt know how he feels. I told him he really needs help for thinking that hooking up with a 16 y ear old is ok when he is 26 almost 27 ( he turns 27 in may) I told him the state considers him a pedophile and he could go to jail for hooking up with a 16 year old. I was insisting he cut ties with her and he kept telling me that he was emotional attached to her and that he was helping her through a tough time in her life because her mom is an alcohalic. I was insistant that he needs to get help and that if he didnt cut ties and get help, I would go to his parents to get him the help he needs. He said if i did that then i didnt really ever love him. We fought for 2 days over this, and the last day he was a completely different person, he sounded like he hated me. I’ve never heard him sound like that toward me before. And it killed me. I asked him if he cut this girl off and get the help he needed was there was anyway to fix ‘us’ and he said he didnt know and hung up. When I called him back, I told him I need to know cause I’m moving in with him at the end of the week, he continued to hang up on me and act like a child. Finally when he picked up he said to give him the night to think and call him in the morning. I thought he would calm down and cooler head would pervail. I was completely wrong. That night was the last time we spoke I could NEVER be with a pedophile. He was never like this before. But I wanted to get him help and I thought after he got help he would be the guy I fell in love with.

When I called him in the morning he didn’t pick up. I called him ALL day and he kept kicking me to voice mail, I texted him and he ignored me. I wrote him an email and a message on Facebook and he deleted them. So I canceled the movers and got my money back from my plane tix. I haven’t heard from him at all. I can’t believe he didn’t even have the respect for me to tell me its over. We were together for what seems like an eternity. I dont know what to think anymore. I am so heartbroken and I feel so betrayed. He chose a 16 year old child (no offense to anyone who is 16) over a 26 year old women who he said was the love of his life. He chose to be a pedophile. This is killing me. I feel like I fell in love with someone I didnt know. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Since I quit my job because I was supposed to be moving to Fl, I got a job waitressing until I can find something in my field again. I was up rooting my whole life for him and he hasn’t even had the decency to call me. I dont know what I did wrong, or where I went wrong. I just want to forget him and that I ever loved him. I could use all the advice I could get. I just want to know how to move pass this.

Hi, Mary Im so sorry to hear about your relationship. I wish I had some advice to offer. Im kinda stuck myself my break-up just happened on Monday and the girl he cheated on me with is still with him. I just cant believe she will stay with him after all this. Mary you didnt do anything wrong. I think our problem as women is that we love so hard and men give us there butts to kiss. Granted you are a lil older than me im 23 but Im so maturer than my ex who was also 23. We just need to start making better decision and maybe hold back a little and not give our all. Im sorry im just speaking of me. Share ur feelings get it out . Do you have a support system? My friend traveled from PA to MD just to be with me monday. Some coworkers stopped by my house on my lunch break. Ive posted an Ad on Craigslist and got tons of advice and responses i had to remove it. Talk about it get ur feelings out

@Catrina – Hi Catrina thanks so much for your response. I dont have those feelings today but I did and it scared me. I will def be talkin to ya

@Simone- Thank you for ur kind words. I really don’t have much of a support system. Most of my girl friends are married and have children or they are pregnant with their first child, so it seems like we are in completely different worlds. I have one friend that sorta been there for me, but she’s been going through a tough time as well(she lost her job a year ago, and just had to claim bankruptcy and move back in with her parents) My guy friends are great but I always get the feeling that they are just listening to me to try to get in my pants. After what just happened I find it really difficult to trust any guy, even if his intentions are good.

I woke up today in a panic. I was sobbing and I can’t remember what I was dreaming about. I want to call him so bad in hopes he’ll pick up the phone and be the guy I fell in love with. Every time I have the urge to call or text him I try to remember my initial reaction to finding out he was with a 16 year old behind my back. He completely disgusts me. I feel guilty that I was in love with a pedophile, even though I knew nothing about the 16 year old and when I found out I wanted to get him help. I just want to feel “normal” again. I want to wake up and feel happy instead of barely being able to drag myself out of bed. Him cheating on me would hurt no matter what, but what makes it hurt even more is that he cheated on me with a child. I just feel like I’m never going to be able to love again, my heart is so completely shattered I dont think I’m ever going to put it back together.

Mary….. I know how u feel. Yes, the guys friends are ok but it does seem that they can take advantage of the situtation so im leery to. You can do this!!!!. Im telling you. I have only cried once since it happened this Monday but I havent eaten since then either only drinking liquids. I cant sleep for more than two to three hours and that is WITH using a sleep aid. I keep on thinking about the harsh words he said to me everyday. I decided Imma move back home to NJ. Im currently in MD and there is nothing here for me. None of my family and my childhood friends are back home. Mary I know it hurts but we can both this. Giving you some advice is actually helping me a little. It helps to have a stranger sometime look at it from there prespective. Just try to channel you energy into something postive easier said then done I know. I actually made it through work and Im amazed but I have many more days to go. This hurts so bad and I want the pain to end. Keep ur head up!!!

@ Simone- Thank you so much! Talking to you is helping me also. We are going though the same thing. I fell asleep for an hour or so and I woke up because I had a dream about going down to Fl and him blowing me off and pushing me away and then going to pick up the child he’s now seeing to rub it in. My dream hurt just as bad as what he said to me. I dont understand how he can be so cruel when I stood by him through everything. Today was the day I was supposed to move down there. I keep looking at the clock and going “Right now I would be getting off the plane” or “Right now we would be getting to our apartment” I feel like it’s literally killing me slowly. I just want to pick up the phone and talk to him but I know that would get me nowhere. And then the other part of me want to call the police and tell them he’s with a 16 year old and put his ass in jail for the next 5 years. But neither of those options gives me back the life I thought I had. You are right, this is probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt and nothing I do takes it away . I’ll try to keep my head up, and u do the same as well!

Mary…. This week has been so liberating for me. I actually feel a lil free. Im upset how the situation went down but I rather it be now than later. Mary he did u a favor sweetheart. At least u didnt go down there and find out all this stuff and have to move back home and what not. Honey u can move on from this. I havent thought about my dude in the last two days mind u this happened monday. When i say I havent thought about him I mean I dont think about missing I have hate for him right now eventually Ill forgive and u will to. Sweetie u dont need this man. Do u know how many ppl are out here. Do you miss. Like im doing me!!! I have had different males friends hang out with me all week as well as female. Im living life and thinking about what is in store for me next. You do the same. Becuase this is not the end!

I was finally starting to feel a little better and he writes me a long email. And of course hes all “I Love you so much” and he needs to figure out his head and we’ve always come back to each other so this time will be no different. But this time feels soo different. I feel completely betrayed. I called him once I got that email told him how it is. Today, Ive done nothing but cry my eyes out. I’ve reached out to a few “friends” but it seems like no one wants to be their for me. So I’m sitting alone in my room with my dog wondering why I am such a horrible person. I’m happy ur doing well, I wish I could say the same for my self.

Now, you know ur not a horrible person. Bad things always happen to the ones that do so good. Ask your self this. Do you want to be with him? Do you want to continue this rollar coaster or do you want to get off and experience a new ride? Do you want something exiciting in ur life or do you want to give misery some company? Please I want to know what you want out of this between him and u. Do you want to be with him and if so under what circumstances and conditions? Let me sweat you. Let him follow behind you. Where do you want to go with this? You don’t have forever to figure out. lol

@Mary –

you feel horrible, i know, but that doesn’t make you a horrible person. and where you are right now, can be a very terrifying place, and depending on the decisions you make, and the actions you take, right now, it could get even more terrifying, What are you doing about your anger? And i mean doing, not thinking. You must be feeling it coming from all directions, and being angry doesn’t make you a bad person either. Betrayal is infuriating, and you won’t want to understand this next part yet, and thats ok, but in reality the only 1 person who can betray you is you, that doesn’t make you a betrayer, it makes you a human being who at times chooses to ignore that inner voice that knows a lie when is being told. there are so many catch 22’s and for every negative you feel, there is a positive outcome. finding the desire to make that change can be a challenge, the work is hard, the desire is harder.
there is no 1 silver bullet, but there are many.

@Simone- I want to be with the “him” i fell in love with, not the guy that said and did all those horrible things. I don’t want to be on this roller coaster anymore. Just like he woke up one day and said he didn’t know what he wanted, I pray he wakes up tomorrow and he knows he loves me and that we belong together. I would go to the ends of universe and back for him. But I don’t think he would do the same for me. I thank God that all this happened before I got down there, but then one the other hand, if I did find out when I was down there he would have to deal with it head on instead of trying to ignore it. I’m trying to pick myself up. I feel like I’m in love with the past. I know i deserve to be with a guy that wants to be with me and wants to love me. I thought my ex was that person but I was wrong. I’m going to not pick up his calls everytime he calls, I’m going to ignore his emails, and make it look like I’ve moved on even if I’m dieing inside. And either he’ll come back when he thinks he lost me, or I’ll start to get over him and move on and find someone who I’ll love even more. I’m still at the point where I can’t even think about loving someone else this much, but I know, with time I will love again. Thank you for listening to me and talking to me. I appreciate it so much!

@elle –
Thank you so much.I just brook up with my boyfriend of 5 years because i found out that he has a baby with another girl.We talked about having kids but i wanted to be married first,i guess he did not want to.It is so hard because we have the same friends and i have no one to talk to.

@ida – @ida –

My Ex and I work for the same company. Luckily though not for the same dept. But I totally get what you going through. It took a while having to explain to everyone at work when they found out about us. We were known as the “IT” couple at work. But if you learn anything out of this it’s who your real friends are.

Work through it, post on the website whenever you need to. There is always someone here who knows what you going through.

Everyday gets a little better, Promise.

My girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years together. This article is exactly what I am and was. I gave everything to her and loved her more than life itself. She just said she wants to be alone now and not in a relationship…but then says maybe one day and that she stil loves me. I wonder if she tells me that just so I dont go off the deep end…but it gives me false up. Like now i want to be a dick and just go out and be with girls and stay busy. but I still love her.

I am so confused and lost. She said there was nothing i could have done better. WTF. how do you just say I dont want to be in a relationship any more?

I just dont know what to do by myself. She was my life…..

-gg

@ida –

Hey ida I try to think on the bright side. At least you didn’t get married before you found the skeleton in his closet. You found out before you were stuck with him so that’s 1point on the bright side. Right? But honestly its the feeling of betrayal hurts the most. The “how could he? Why?”

My ex and I were together since college. We talked about getting married and having the whole family thing but it was when we started to work in different places that he suddenly grew distant. Before I used to think that maybe because in college we were always together seeing each other everyday that he missed that and found that with his coworker. I used to hate myself because the irony was I was the one who encouraged him to apply at his current employment. It was like destiny slapped me in the face. I used to think “what if I did this what if I did that?”"

But the thing was that I was able to stay faithful to him so he should have been able to do the same. Give and take right? So ever since I kept saying to myself that “isomeone will return all the love and affection I gave to him”

I’m not saying you need a relationship to be happy but just always look on the up side because in the end, it is always you that decides how happy your day will be.

I’m glad to lend an ear if you need someone to talk to!

Hello,
It’s interesting reading other peoples stories about heart break triumph and perseverance. I am not sure where I am along this path yet but I’ll share mine.
After my divorce I stayed single for about 8 years by choice, then about 2 years ago I met a girl and fell totally in love, we did everything together. After all that time of being alone and doing everything myself, it was nice having someone to share my life with and I was so thankful to have met someone I wanted to share my life with, we started talking about marriage. I sold my house, my race car, ended my plans to go back to college and started my own business all to make the best possible life for us together. About 6 months ago we took our families on vacation to Hawaii. I had planned this to purpose on this trip and had made all kinds of arrangements. The day I planned to ask her to marry me she called while I was out getting her ring and said she was was leaving the hotel and going to stay with her parents. I called to explain that I was out getting her a ring but The next day she called me to tell me she changed her flight, left the state and that she “was crazy” and to never call her again. No idea why. I was blown away.
I didn’t understand it and for the first time in my life actually felt depressed. About a week later I get a call from her and she says she is sorry, she still loves me but she can’t be with me anymore. I asked her to explain what had happened and she said she would never feel like explaining it. she then said good bye. I said I love you, she said I love you too and those were the last words we ever spoke to one another. I was confused. Still am honestly, haha
I think back on all that and think to myself “what a fool you were” “how stupid”. I truly believed every thing. literally the day before she left I looked in to her eyes and felt loved. I wanted to marry her.
Then wham, dumped like a one night stand, without a second thought.

Over the past 6 months I have gone back to being single again. But it is not as easy as it was before I met her. I now feel lonely. I dated a little bit since we broke up and met some nice girls who really seemed to like me but I appear to be back where I was before I met the girl who broke me. I just haven’t been truly interested in anyone else. I still think about her, some things still hurt . odd things too. like hearing the sound of the ocean, certain songs, any reference to Hawaii.
I have gone back to working on the dream I had before I met her of becoming a doctor and have started back to school.
I keep busy, I volunteer, I teach martial arts. But still not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and that freakin sucks! haha
So if you’re hurting out there and reading this, know you’re not alone. It’s never crazy to be hurt by losing someone you love.

Hey Joseph,

I feel for you and know exactly what you’re going through. Our stories are so similar from the divorce timing and how long I was with my ex. I thought I met the woman of my dreams and planned on asking her to marry me when we went to Italy last year. I too did everything together with this woman and wanted to spend the rest of my life together with her, despite the many red flags she waved in my face. In the end, she displayed all the characteristics of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and put me in a position to choose between her and my son. You may have experienced the same thing and it’s cruel and unusual punishment.

It’s been 6 months since the breakup and she continues to play games, but the most important way to handle this is no contact… it takes their control away. I am still in counseling and dealing with all of the post traumatic issues including depression, anger, loneliness etc. The key outcome here is you need to begin to love yourself again before you can love someone else.

It sounds like you’re doing all of the right things by filling your voids with productive activities. Keep the faith. Joe

@Joseph -

Oh Joseph! How well I know your pain……can you say
“commitment issues?”
Sounds like she’s got them severely….
I’m proud of you for going back to your dreams.
That takes a lot of courage, and I hope that you will continue with them and not let anyone or anything get in your way.

On the bright side, at least she didn’t marry you, then you find out years later that she has these issues? My sons and I are enduring that…….and it’s quite painful as well.
It’s only been a couple of months, and I have to be so careful where I go or what I do that brings that wave of missing him and wanting my life back.

My husband is with another woman, and just knowing that makes it all the more difficult…He’s happy, we’re lost.

I think “she” loves you, loved you, and probably still does………just the fear controls her emotions, and she can’t overcome it.
I still say that’s the damndest fear! Off all the things to be afraid of, how can you be afraid of being loved and cared for?
I feel bad for those kind of people, for they’re missing out on the best part of life……..love.

Keep us posted and I hope to soon be seeing “Dr. Joseph” on here!

Choosing between her or your son, is not even a choice to consider….you don’t have to flip a coin over that one!

BPD is bad…bad…bad….Be glad glad glad.

Mine was dx with bipolar, hypomania, commitment phobia superflous to …..and a plethora of other character issues that were invisible to me prior to marrying, and we dated three years!
Maybe I just didn’t want to see them? IDK…
I never knew if Jekyl or Hyde would come home from work…
and obviously, a lot of other things never knew?
But it’s been an exhausting stressful marriage, that I hung in there with….just to be dumped on. I’m quickly coming to appreciate it though…and thinking it might be best…just let someone else deal with it! I could not fix him, and our love wasn’t the cure…………

I’m 51, and I’ve been in relationships since I was 14. Have never had “single” time…..so I’m embracing this with open arms and an open heart, and looking forward to seeing who I am really am, and whom I’m meant to become. My sons are watching me, and I’m not going to let them down…..not without one hell of a fight anyway!

Keep in touch Doc!

I just break up with my gf yesterday. A week after we celebrated my birthday. The reason she said is she likes someone else, this might be the most painful breakup I had all my life. I work so hard for us and she keeps complaining that I didn’t had much time for her. I switched my job so that I can spend more time with her. Seriously, I can do a lot of stuff for her because I thought she’s the one. We’ve been together almost 6 years. The worst thing is I’m planning to propsal on this valentine’s day. Got the ring, flower, dinner all set. I even ask my family to throw her a surprise. Sometimes things scares you is when you live with a person for 5 years and you thought you know her. But a minute later she just becomes someone so strange that even her laugh scares me. I used to love her laugh so much coz it just makes my day. I haven’t eat anything or sleep at all since last night. I even called sick at work this morning because I know I’ll mess up something if I go to work. The whole night My mind keeps thinking all the good, the bad things about her. And it’s killing me right now, how can something used to be so well goes that wrong?

i cant get her or our past out of my head……its only been 2 and a half months since the split but we were together for 24 yrs…..help me please