The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

by Eddie Corbano

1,398

i hate my ex girlfriend Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?

Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.

The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.

He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).

At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken Heart In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on July 31st, 2007)
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Success Stories from other LovesAGame readers

Brittany

I have been with people for a long time as well who broke my heart. Once I caught my boyfriend having sex with my best friend. And my last boyfriend was secretly seeing his ex behind my back. People can act like something for a long time and then one day it all changes. Which means this is not your fault. Change always happens. Sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the best. One thing I do know is that things happen for a reason. I think we learn something from our past relationships and heartbreak. And it’s not until we are fully ready and now what we deserve that “The one” will come along. Don’t settle for nothing less. Take this time to learn about you. Do things for yourself. Hang out with your friends. It will hurt for a long time. But when you are ready find your one and only. Do not try to get this girl back.

Much love

Brittany
Broken

Well with out a doubt…I will never love again. The pain of giving your heart your sole your love. To have it ripped out of you i can not amagin healing ever.

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

I know that it’s almost impossible to believe, but you will. You definitely will love again.
LuvLife

@Broken…I know it feels like you will never love again, but that’s only because your hurting right now…the hurt is so much that you cant imagine falling in love again. It’s hard to see your self with someone else or think about falling in love again one day when you first brake up but all that will pass with time. I promise you that you will one day fall in love again…Don’t hold love back from the next person that deserves it & will appreciate it & return the love back to you, just because some loser broke your heart, do not let him/her take your love with him/her. I felt exactly the same way with my break up, I thought for sure I would never give my heart to any one EVER again. I didn’t believe when people told me it will pass with time…boy was I wrong…its been 6 years since that break up & I can honestly tell you that I don’t even know why I thought I was in love with him, I laugh at myself for when I think back & remember all the tears I shed. I used to always say the same thing you are “I will never love again” or “I will never love anyone as much as I love him” but when I met my current boyfriend, I didn’t even hesitate about giving him my heart. One day I woke up & I was sitting in my back yard having a cup of coffee & it just hit me, all that pain is gone & I did fall in love with someone else & I love him more then I ever loved my ex. But I never ever imagined that it would happen, cuz I was so caught up in all the pain & the fear of ever having to go through that kind of pain again. I am so happy im not with my ex now, but a few years ago I was miserable that I wasn’t with him. I want to share these 2 quotes that really helped me when I was going through my break up that really helped me…I put it up on my wall in my office so every morning I would get t work it would be the 1st thing I would see..1st one syas”when God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you” this is sooooooooooo true & I promise you will one day agree with me, you might not see it now, but you will one day. The 2nd one says, “there comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who wont anymore & who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future.” 6 years later & I still have these up on my wall & the 1st thing I do every morning is read them when I get to work. At the time, it was hard to understand but as time passed & the more I read them, it became easier & clearer to understand their meaning & you will one day also. This site is a great place to come & let out you feelings, thoughts & anger cuz EVERY person on here knows exactly what you are going through & feeling. If you need someone to talk to, we are all here for you. Keep your head up & before you know it, it will all be over.

Brandy

my boyfriend of 3 and a half years just broke up with me this past weekend. We had our ups and downs, but the past 6 months were going really well. We were talking about engagement, weddings, and finding a place together. I had just started nursing school, and was stressed from having to work full time and going to school full time. He told me that I was acting like I didn’t care, and showed up nothing. Only after he told me this was I aware that I had been acting more as a friend and not as a girlfriend. But instead of giving me a chance to show him, he ended it. Told me he didn’t want to be with someone he had to tell to show more affection. I couldn’t believe it, it was like all my plans for the future were gone. How could he just give up that easy?? Did he really not love me the way I thought he did?? I’m trying my hardest to move on, but it’s hard when you figured out your life with someone, and they are no longer apart of it. I’m forced to start from the beginning, and it sucks. Hopefully a week maybe a month I will be in a better place, and am okay with not being with him.
Nowis

@Brandy –
I know how it feels when all the plans just suddenly gone. I don’t think I’ll be able to open up to another person again, It just hurts too much to be betray by someone who is that closed to you. damn these sleepless nights.
Kelsey

I have been with the same man for 8 years. I loved him with every ounce of my being. He was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with…or so I thought.

He lost both of his parents to different circumstances and was an only child. His whole life the only person he has had to rely on was himself. When I came into his life it took him a couple years to let me in and allow me to be that support. I would have done absolutely anything for him…not to mention absolutely anything to be with him. I still would!

My family is extremely important to me! I come from a big Italian family…need I say more? I moved over 1000 miles away from them to be with this man. I was willing to give up one of the most important things in my life to be with him. I loved him more than anything in the world and with a passion that I can’t even begin to describe.

We have lived together for the last 6 years. We started looking at rings and talking about kids. One day his best friend told us that he was expecting his first child…a little girl. A couple days later my boyfriend got scared and ended our relationship. He cut off contact with me. I thought I was going to die!! This happened about 2 years ago. 5 agonizing months later we got back together. I moved back to his state to be with him and we started building on our relationship again. We purchased a house last year, and picked out a ring for the engagement. He has started his own business and I am starting nursing school. I found out I was pregnant with our first child the day after Halloween. He changed the moment I told him I was pregnant. He is one of those men who has a “plan” and never wants to deviate from it. Kids weren’t in his plan quite yet. This baby wasn’t planned, but we knew it was a possibility. I was so excited, but he was terrified. All of a sudden I felt like I had a disease. It was like he was scared to touch me. He completely changed. The time we spent together diminished. When we did spend time together he was vacant and it was as if he wasn’t there. He started working crazy hours and avoiding “us.” I was stupid to believe that if I loved him enough for the both of us that he’d come around. I hoped that he was just scared and didn’t know how to react. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve died inside. I am 5 months pregnant with his child, and he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me or the baby. He hasn’t been supportive at all through the pregnancy. I have been throwing up with morning sickness (24 hour sickness) the entire pregnancy, not to mention exhausted. He never tried to comfort me once. He feels that there isn’t a baby yet, and he doesn’t have to act interested until the baby is actually here. I moved back to my home state so I could have the support of my family. I am in shock and so much pain…I don’t know what to do. Despite everything, I still want to spend my life with him and raise this baby girl with him. I am so angry at myself for still loving him so much.

He still tells me that I’m who he wants to spend his life with and that he loves me. How can he say that but not want to be with me?! It’s almost as if he wants to go out and be single and “hook up” and not have to worry about a pregnant girlfriend at home. He is almost 30 years old but is acting like a child. Every day I sit around and think about him. I look at pictures and read old letters. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I know that this pain and stress isn’t good for the baby, but I don’t know how to make it stop. I know I shouldn’t be looking at old memories, but I can’t stop. I can’t imagine anyone ending a relationship when someone is 5 months pregnant. He didn’t have his parents growing up, so I thought he would have done anything in his power to be a part of his child’s life. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don’t want to be awake because it means I have to think about it. He is all I think about every second of every day. I obsess about what he is doing and where he is. Wondering if he is out with someone else. The thought of being with someone else makes me sick, but I think he is already moving on. The thought of him being with someone else physically makes me ill. I want to find the strength to move on, but I have none. This pregnancy should be one of the most amazing times in my life, but I’m miserable. The baby kicked for the first time a week ago, and all I could think about was how he wasn’t here to experience it with me. Setting up a nursery, and going shopping for the baby makes me even more depressed than I already am. I should be doing all this with him…not alone! I am so hurt that he doesn’t feel it’s important to be a part of any of it.

I still love this man with all my heart and it is killing me inside. I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else. I don’t know how to let him go. I guess I’m still holding out hope that he’s going to come around and realize he’s making the biggest mistake of his life! It’s still fresh, and there is a hole where my heart once was. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop loving him.

Sorry this is so long…I guess I needed to talk it out and vent a little.

Pain

Hello,
wow your story hit home i was 17 when my first child come along i did not no what i was going to do.I was with her father for 2 yr and found out he had a nother girl that was three months wow it killed me in side.To make a long story shourt i had to let him play his games i had a living life inside of me and i did not even no how i was going to feed her. I got a jod and went to school wile being pregnant i have life to care for now my lil girl is 14 and her father never did anything for her he has 9 kids and i am the only one that never took him for support not to say that i did not need the help but the point is that i have a wonderful lil girl good grades and about to go to high school and she always tells me i am mommy and daddy couse i never let her down and gave up my life just for her when u here the your lil girl telling u things like that u no it’s his loss and your gain to have that wonderful lil girl all to u and she can say thank u Mom U will be # 1 in her life…..

amar

HI kelsey,

tears r in my eyes while reading ur story…dont worry god is with u and he is great he will help u out…eveything will b fine….don worry…concentrate on ur kid…future of ur kid…be strong…

ur frend.
Amar.
bell29

@Kelsey – im sorry if this sounds mean…i understand how hard it is..but ur baby has to & should be ur #1 priority right now…I cant imagine loving a man more then you child…that poor baby did nothing wrong to be put through all this without even being born yet…if you put all ur energy into taking care of & preparing ur self for the baby by the time the baby is born u’ll be over the brake up…y love a man that wont be there for you or his own child..this is one of the if not the most important times in a woman’s life & if he’s not there for you now then he wont be for anything else..If he’s not there for this baby what makes u think he’ll b there for you…if he doesn’t love & care for his unborn child then he’s not capable of loving any one..u need to love ur baby & love ur self more then u love him…ur baby needs you..Dont put her through all this stress..She doesn’t deserve it..U don’t deserve it…I understand completely how hurt u are but I just don’t understand y he is more important then the baby..u should enjoy this time…u will never have ur 1st baby again..u have to train ur mind to start thinking about tings other then him…don’t think about y he’s not going through this with u..screw him…the more u sit & look at pics & letters the harder it’s gonna be to move on…u said u can’t stop looking at old memories..uhhh y would u do it when u know its just gonna cause u more pain & im not even talking about what all that stress is doing to the baby..u need to put the baby 1st..She should be the MOST important person for u right now..It almost sounds like u enjoy torturing ur self..cuz I think if u didn’t then u wouldn’t keep going through letter & pictures. Stop doing that & I promise u’ll see how much easier it will be..Im really sorry for being so blunt but this unborn child doesn’t deserve it…I had a co-worker that went through a similar situation as u..When she was pregnant, her & her guy split…all she did was mope around. about a year after the baby was born she notice that something isn’t right so she took him to a doctor to have him checked out…come to find out that when she was pregnant with him because of all the stress she put herself through caused the baby to have a stroke…he is now about 7 years old & he has paralysis or weakness (inability to move the arms or legs properly) on the left side of his body. She can’t help but blame herself for what happen to him. she cries about it all the time now & a few years later the guy tried to come back but she wouldn’t have him anymore because she is so angry for what happen to that innocent poor kid…he was the only one that did nothing wrong but he was the only one that really got hurt in the process..Both my co-worker & the father of the baby moved on with their lives & don’t even look back any more..Please don’t put ur baby through the stress. & again im so sorry if i sound rude or any thing, i kown how hard it is but think of ur baby…in ur letter u said ur sorry for the long story…its ok thats what the site is for come on here & write as much as u want…let it all out..u need to..i would be more then happy to listen if u need a person to talk to..i can give u my e-mail address & we can talk..just let me know…take care for now. i promise u it will get better.
Kelsey

@bell29 –

bell29~ Your words aren’t rude at all. As much as I don’t want to hear it, I need to! You are completely right. Any man who can choose himself over his unborn child and the mother of his child isn’t a man at all. Furthermore, he doesn’t deserve to be a part of my little girl’s life, or my tears. Please know that this baby is the most important thing in my life, and my number one priority. I moved back to OR instead of staying in CA because I knew it would be better for my baby. I have wanted children since I was a little girl. I promise you that this baby will be my life and I will love her more than anything in this world. It breaks my heart that my previous post would make anyone think that this baby isn’t the most important thing in my life. I really need to change the way I present myself and the way I handle the situation. This little girl is such a blessing, and she will be my everything.

This is still so new to me, I am still learning to deal with it. It’s hard to turn off feelings when you’ve loved someone for 8 years. I am doing everything in my power to keep my stress down. He was my first everything, which makes it that much harder to let go. I have never experienced a real heartbreak till now. I’m still eating healthy even though food isn’t exactly that appealing at the moment, and I’m getting plenty of sleep. I got rid of all the pictures and letters, and I completely cut off contact with him last night. I need to move on with MY life, as impossible as it seems at the moment. I once heard a quote that said, ‘Don’t let someone become your everything, because when they’re gone you have nothing!’ I need to find myself again, and find what makes ME happy. A man should compliment me, not make me. It’s hard to admit this, but I feel I don’t know who I am without him. I used to be such an outgoing, motivated fun-loving person. Over time I lost who I was. I never really realized it till he was gone and I was left with a shell. Who I once was has disappeared. I want so badly to be that person I once was. I can’t wait to look at my little girl for the first time…to hold her and know that she is mine. I can’t let him ruin this experience for me. I have to let myself be excited and embrace every new thing that comes.

I know time heals…I just hope that time moves quickly.
anonymous

@bell29 –
Kelsey,
I know it is hard, but it will get easier. I have a similar situation. I was with my ex for 10 years, 5 months before our wedding, etc, etc. We broke up because he cheated on me, and thought the girl was pregnant. Well she wasn’t, and 2 wks later I found out that I was pregnant. Well she managed to get pregnant 3 months later. It was hard to watch them live the life he had always promised me. She moved into our home, and into my role.

Now… My son is 13 and we are happy. He does not have much contact with his father (his fathers choice), and is closer to his fathers parents. My ex married the girl (once she divorced her husband), and they have 2 kids together. I don’t think about him that often, and my son is doing great. I am almost finished with my doctorate, and we take care of each other. We have great friends and I have a wonderful family.

I do remember the pain. There were some days I didn’t know if I would survive the sadness. I went to counseling a few times a week for a year, and talked about everything until I was done talking. I then focused on my son when he was born. He was the light that shone through all the dark days that I had prior. It did hurt for a couple of years, but when I left the state where he lived, my life began and healing began. I will allow my son’s father to have as much contact as he chooses, but we don’t hold our breath. There are men out there who can be great role models and fathers to those children whose fathers walk away. There is life after the heartbreak. You need to be stong for your child because after all you are the world to that person, and they need you to show them smiles, and love. Design a life filled with joy for your child so that they can grow up happy and healthy.
Kimmie

I just want to thank you all, even though my issue is nothing like yours ( my ex told me that he was over me and that he wants me him alone, stop calling him because nothing is going to change) and i still want him. So that does let me know that i have issues with myself, because when some one tells you that they no longer want to be with you, you should just let them go. So i am putting my trust in God to get over this. I had a lot ot happen to me in my life from a child to now (30 yo). So thank you all for being so helpful with your kind words and your wisdon. I t makes a world of difference. God bless you all and again thanks!
melly

My bf of (and you may find this silly) three months broke up with me a few days ago, we were best friends for over a year and a half prior to letting our feelings show for each other and diving head first into one of the greatest relationships I thought I had ever been in. Out of nowhere he said that it felt like we were more than friends than lovers, he didn’t feel that spark between us like he did in our first month and that feeling was with him for a while and hoped it would change but never did. Sadly he never said anything to me and I wish he did. He said he didn’t know what he was getting into when we first started dating, because he was used to me being a certain way with him as friends and seeing the real side of me (which I very rarely let anyone see) wasn’t what he expected and was sorry.
I was blinded and thought we were in bliss, we never had an argument and we had already talked about getting married, kids, and our future together. A day before our break up we had just gotten back from our first vacation together that went great and we couldn’t wait for our next one (I couldn’t wait, but I guess he didn’t care either way). So needless to say when he ended it I was devastated, and still am. I didn’t go to work for a few days and I barely started to eat just today. Oh and to make matters worse we work together. I do have to see him for at least a few more days because by the graces of God I was promoted to a different building and I know that not having to see him everyday will make getting over him much easier.
I couldn’t help but blame myself for what happened because I thought everything was going great but like the saying goes “not all that glitters is gold”. I still blame myself slightly but I can’t help it. I miss him terribly and I’ll miss him just being my friend like we were. I woke up this morning missing him more than ever because I was used to waking up in his arms. I told him that I don’t think that we could be friends but who knows in the future. I don’t want to fool myself thinking that we’ll get back together because I don’t think it will happen and I don’t know if I want to go through the heartache again just in case he changes his mind again. I don’t know if I can love anyone again the way I loved him, but the pain is still fresh so who knows.
I pray that everyone on here (including myself) finds peace in their hearts because to love again because I sure as hell hope to find it too.
Nancy

thanks so much for this. it is simple and straight to the point…..just what i needed : )
Kelsey

@bell29 – Thank you again for being so blunt. It has made me step back and truly evaluate how I am acting. This man doesn’t even deserve a single one of my tears, let alone my thoughts. I am going to focus every ounce of energy on this little girl growing in my belly even if it kills me! I would love to talk via email if the offer still stands. You are a breath of fresh air
Riley

about 12 months ago, i first met this girl, she use to go to the same school but i never really talked to her in 6 years, but after year 12 we just started talking over msn, i found out she went to the same tafe and talked to her there for a while, i really had no feelings for her at all, we continued to talk more and more and she started to come out to nightclubs with my group of friends, she use to spend all her time with this other guy there, but everynow and then would talk to me, few weeks later all my friends were telling me she liked me andshe asked me to go out somewhere, i didnt like her at all so i said i was busy but at one party i just suddenly wanted to spend time with her and i guess i started to like her slightly, she went out with my friends that next night and hooked up with one of them, i didnt really care but was surprised, we kept talking though after this and started going out more often, then i drove her out one night and it was then i fell in love with her we hung out and talked the whole night till 4am, did this a few more times, i told her that i liked her she said she liked me back but was “unsure” about a relationship because of past experiences, so i said that i would b willing to b in a relationship with her when she felt ready, then i stayed with her and went out on her birthday, that night i truly loved her, and had never felt like that around anyone before… about 1 week later she went away to melb to visit family, we still txted eachother the whole week, organised to go shoping when she got back, we did, but something didnt feel right when she came up with her best friend, that night she told me that she didnt ” feel it today” took me about 5 min to realize what she was saying she said that she would never b in a relationship with me, it cut me so deep i cried for days and just felt so depressed, i talked to her about it for a while she explained she just didnt like me one night when she was in melbourne, i have no idea what happened or what i did wrong. Im shy and never really showed my feelings to her in person. i dont think she realized how much i liked her. but after a few weeks i felt slightly better, but i have never improved from there 8 months on, every night before i go to sleep i think of her and cry everyday something reminds me of her and the time we spent together, i talk to her everynow and then and pretend i just like her as a friend. ive seen her hook up with other guys infront of me and the same one she did before i liked her, all i can do is turn around and walk away, i get so angry and cant beleive whats happened. I just cant let her go, ive tried many times but nothing comes close to what i felt with her, and i dont know what im going to do when she enters another relationship, theres still hope in me that she will like me again, i know that i have to get rid of this feeling but when i think back to walking home with her i just cant, i dont understand why this has hurt me so much when it wasent even a relationship, i still love her as much as i did when she told me she no longer liked me….

brad

You say you can’t let go, it took me so long, as long or longer than its taken you, to figure out just what to let go of. How indeed do you let go of your feelings. You can’t, and why would you want to, there yours and they belong to you, even the pain. and in the end thats all we have. You can be in control of them. BUT, YOU have to WANT to be. Judging yourself by imagining how she does or doesn’t feel about you is out of control. It seems you’ve been punishing yourself for months because this girl rejected you and your waiting around for her to re-accept you again. I know that insane feeling seems like it can only be “fixed” by the 1 who “caused it”. In the end, only you can heal you, and if you let yourself have control over that, you’ll be amazed at your levels of real self esteem, for me i had finally understood what self esteem really was because i felt it. Make no mistake, its daily work, and isn’t something that just stays on, you’ve gotta fill up the tank with actions and behavior that you can be proud of, and like yourself for.

bell29

@Kelsey – hi Kelsey…yes of course the offer still stands….i would love to talk to you via e-mail…even though i cant do much to ease ur pain i would still love to just listen to you & give you as much advise as i can..E-mail me @ StarC1981 @ yahoo. com & we can talk as much as you need to get you through this…you sound like such a wonderful person & even though I don’t know you personally I can tell that you will be a great mother. Ill be waiting for ur e-mail & remember don’t frown cuz you never know who’s falling in love with your smile =)
bunny

Thank you everyone for sharing their stories.. I am going through a break up myself we were about 6 months from our 6 year anniversary. In reading these stories I’ve noticed that most of the break ups happen at or around 6 years. Is it like the 6 year itch, or something else. Thank you.
chantelle

I just went through a breakup yesterday. i know it is for the best but we were together for three years. I just can’t even believe i will never get to kiss him or hug him as his girlfriend anymore. we will never get to watch movies in bed together. i need help with that part. help to get over it. thanks. also i cannot even stand the thought of him with another girl …
CarolinaD

I met a man who was almost twice my age, divorce twice, and has a daughter. He really wanted to date me and we had many discussions up front as to the red flags, challenges, and what we each wished our life would be (such as career goals, individual goals, and what we wanted in our future). So, right off the back I can see many people saying HELLO HE IS TWICE YOUR AGE WITH THIS MANY THINGS TO DEAL WITH RUUUNNNNN!

However, we spent more and more time together and then the first time he kissed me I felt in love like some magical feeling took ahold of me and lead me to him and he to me. So, we spend the next year in a serious relationship and I became a huge part of him and his daughters life. I adjusted to his friends, lifestyle, exs, schedule, etc.. Yes I chose to do this and yes I don’t regret it. I really began to think we would make it work and defy the odds and spend our life together. I eventually was living in his old house and being the “mom” figure at his house. Well time passes and I admit I did push some conversations searching for answers about our future hoping to find security, but more so because I was so happy I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I know it annoyed him and I know he did not always want to look down the road at what could be ahead and admit what he wanted.

We spend more and more time becoming closer and I fell in love with him and his little girl. The age difference began to take a slight toll on us, but we were strong and kept moving forward. We moved in together spent our first Christmas together etc etc..

Then last week he comes home from work after spending a day texting me and doing our normal routine/activties. He tells me that he is scared that what we want in life are too different and that he is scared to move forward. He feels that he is at a fork and it is better to leave me now and move on than drag it out. I was completly caught off guard as i had asked about marriage and kids one day with him and he always went along with it.. saying “if we keep going down this road it could happen”

I guess in three weeks time he spent reflecting the future and the past finally doing what I had been pushing for all along and just decided it was easier to leave and be scared then stay together and see where life leads us..

So, I now have to move out while being an emotional mess and working crazy hours. I now have to remind myself everyday that the chances of him coming back are slim to none and I need to find me again and be okay being alone. I cry and make myself sick over the ” should of, would of, could ofs”. My whole future including the people I love the most just taken away from me in a snap. The worst part is that neither of us did anything wrong… he just woke up decided that he didn’t have a crystal ball so he would make up his own mind about the future and throw me away like its the right thing for both of us. Worst part no discussion about possibilities, just him making up his mind and watching me walk away. I don’t know if one day he will wake up and think I made the biggest mistake : yes I want those things and I want her or maybe he will move on and find someone else. I don’t know, but as much as everyday I get up and wish he would call or walk through the door wanting to discuss the chances of us being together, I also remind myself that everything happens for a reason and why would I really want to hang on and be close to someone who is pushing me away?

So hang in there, one day at a time, miss the memories, miss the love, miss him/her, but don’t try and control what life hands you. The more we try and control fate and someone elses feelings, the easier it is to get hurt and blame yourself.
Zee

Wow – it feels like I am feeling my own pain thru someone elses eyes. I have been best friends with my ex for 3 years before we started a relationship. We were together for 3 and a half years. In that 3 and a half years, I supported him fully in everything he wanted. I gave all my time and energy and love for this r/ship. There was a time when he pursued a career overseas and I supported him emotionally and financially. After 3 months in Sinagpore I discovered he cheated on me with someone at his work here in our home town. I let him know I found out and he came back quickly to sort things out. Apparently he cheatted with this girl 3 times (once in my own bed) and the reason he cheated on me was because I never made him feel good about himself and this girl always told him how sexy he is etc. Then in that time I also discovered he was with someone in Singapore – he admitted to it and once again he blamed me for cheating as she gave him more attention. I (idiot) gave him another chance.
Then last year Nov he broake up with me saying that he doesnt liek arguing…like any other couple we have our ups and downs. I was so shocked as I really thought we were doing well. He told me to let him go and I suffered to cope.
Then in December he asked me back..I took him back thinking we starting over…but then he changed. Never came home, never slept by me (always stayed over by his mom) phone always off…goes clubbing without letting me know…. tells me he is going to play soccer but then I hear he is at a barbeque with friends… when I ask to spend time with me, he would then rather take his “cousin” (whom I have never heard of) to the beach for the day, phone is always off or on silent. And then when I confronted him about it I was told I am nagging. i realised that for my own sanity i have to let go. There is probably someone else, but instead of him telling me the truth he wants to blame everything on me…. like ia m this horrible person. Just feeling so low … it hurt so much… just want this heart ache to go away….
Mahu

Thank you all so much for your posts. after reading them i feel just a little bit better. i had a break up yesterday and the pain is unbearable. we were together for a year. it wasnt easy as he is married. i know that many of you will now either judge me or say “typical”. but you never think it will happen to you. he chased me for a few months before i fell in love with him. convinced me that it was right, that we were going to be happy together. he said he and his wife were only like flatmates stuck in a routine. he made me believe in love again (after my previous 6 years relationship ended). i had been quite happy being single and finally over my break up id found my true self again. then he came along and after a few months of resisting him and being great friends i fell in love. he gave me lots of love, kindness and support but at the end of each day or time spent together he went back home to his wife. initially i wanted to give him time, didnt want to put him under pressure. but then i became increasingly unhappy and desperate for him to leave his wife so we could have a normal relationship. he was finding it very diffucult, especially because of his daughter. and then there was the house, and financial issues.. he would loose everything he had worked for and was especially terrified of losing his daughter. our relationship started to suffer, we argued but in the end we always knew we were so in love and so good together. yesterday however we again fell out and he then said he could not bear hurting me any longer. that he was scared and weak and didnt want to give me any more empty promises because he wasnt sure if he could keep his word. we both cried and he asked whether we could be friends as he still loves me and im his best friend. i said i couldnt. it would be too painful. he seemed shocked by that and cried a lot.

in the past i gave him a few second chances because i felt so strongly that we were meant to be, due to everything that we went through (people’s bad opinions about our relationship, his personal issues etc.) and due to the way we felt (he used to say everything felt so natural when we were together). i find it very difficult to accept that something i fought for for a year he could give up for fear. i understand he’s worried but why could he not find enough courage if he loves me so deeply as he keeps saying. i am a fighter and id do anything for love, for him and for us. i dont understand. i feel so sad, all our dreams have disappeared in a day. memories and the ‘what could have been’ are killing me. we were so close i find it hard to let go. im not very opened and trusting person and he totally won me over. i told him things i havent told anyone else. and so did he.

i never wanted to end up like this. people always say married men are the worst, dont start anything with them. i dont think they are bad and intend to hurt other people. but very often they do. maybe im wrong but i think that women are fighters, they fight for love and relationships, while a lot of men are very weak and scared. im not bitter towards men its just my opinion.
i think im still in denial and deep down still hope it will work out. but i shouldnt. i should try to move on. it just feels like such a waste. but i guess if he cant find the strength to take that step then theres nothing i can do about it.
it will be hard getting over the pain and sadness as i cannot stop seeing him (we work together in one office. i have been looking for a new job, and so is he). i think my biggest problem is the feeling of something beautiful being wasted. i cannot accept that he is not a fighther like i am. even tho he has more to loose.
apologies for spilling my heart here, i know some of you are in much more diffucult situations but the pain is never easy to get over when something you hoped for and lived for ends.
good luck to all of you/us in pain in finding the inner happiness again.
(i really dont care if i love again, dont even want to at the moment. i tend to love too much and i feel im better off on my own even if i dont want to be).
x
Lori

I too just went thru a break up, not even a week ago, Alchohol was the culprit, he was a recovering alcoholic when I met him, and went back to drinking and saying he could handle it, he couldn’t handle it, it broke us up!! It only lasted 6 months, but I have been alone for 9plus years, and wanted what we hed for soooooooo long and now that is gone, I know
God is in this and He wil help me as he will everyone else going thru it!!!!! I have wonderful friends and family to help me out, but its the wanting to be held, someone to come home to, call ect… that is what hurts!!!!! any advice on how to deal with that?????
anonymous

@Broken –

i agree with you, its hard to imagine loving someone again the way you loved your ex. i hope this feeling passes but i can’t help agreeing with you.
anonymous

@Zee –

I’m so sorry to hear your pain, it seems since he was your friend for so long before that this wasn’t supposed to happen right? thats how i felt when my ex broke up with me (we too were also friends for years before dating). it’ll get better just take it day by day. read other peoples stories and the articles posted here they truly do help. also i’ve realized if i just write down how i’m feeling or what i would want to say to my ex without even talking to him that i feel so much better.
annonymous

me and my ex had been together for almost a year, we had a fun fun fun relationship, everything was going well… we are both overseas students studying in melbourne, and we come from the same country..

he graduated last year and i have a year to go.. he decided to stay in melbourne to get some overseas work experience in order to be with me as i finish off my studies. everyting was all planned out and well. i knew for a fact he was one who loved living in our home country.. so this holidays we were back for 2 months. 2 days ago, he called me up telling me he doesnt wana go back to melbourne anymore.. he ended the relationship with me.. i was devastated. i cudnt imagine not being with him anymore. Life was good and i was happy with him and i cud tell he was too. But he had to change his mind as he said he is too lazy to look for a job in melbourne and wud rather stay back to work for his father. i cant believe his laziness took over our relationship..

we still talk as normal now, although im sad and devasted inside , i dunt see a point in being completely angry with him.. although i know it still hurts me. i still cant believe this had happened. it shows how people can change their minds so easily, and wud rather choose living in a comfortable life at hme with their parents and surrender the relationships. it hurts.. but i know this wud only open another door for a better future and a better man who is waiting for me somwhere out there. what infuriates me the most is i still remember how he says “u know i love u and im willing to stay in melbourne for u”…

he doesnt want long distance relationship and chose to end it. how pathetic.. i hope i wud find some1 who appreacites me more one day
Zee

Thanks Anonymous. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Its hard losing your lover, parner and best friend all in one go. But I am trying to take it one day at a time and I agree that this site really helps….
Ken

My gf of 3+ years broke up with me last week because “something was missing” in our relationship. I’m struggling to find out what she meant by that. I treated her like gold and she even acknowledged that. I put her ahead of everything in my life. We were so compatible and we had such a respectabe relationship. I don’t understand how her feelings could change so quickly. Losing my best friend hurts like hell. And now knowing this can’t be fixed is making it even worst… I also know that she is struggling with her decision, so why is she making this so hard for the both of us???
Kevin

Hey Ken, I know exactly how that feels. I did the same thing with one of my ex’s because it seemed like making a woman #1 in your life would make her happy but in reality, it makes things worse over time.

She eventually starts to resent that your life starts to revolve around her and making her happy and adjusting to her every whim and she ends up losing attraction (which is the something missing piece she attempted to describe). She’s missing that initial feeling of attraction she felt for you when you two were together and you had your own life going for you and she was able to tag along for a ride. However, as time progresses men tend to become very immersed in the relationship and make the woman the center of attention. While this is fun for a while and she enjoys it, she eventually loses respect for you because she sees you marginalizing your life to appease her. It kills that feeling she’s missing and detracts from the level of fun, excitement, chemistry, tension and spontaneity that’s possible in a relationship.
Judy Anderson

Alot of this is going to sound like paradox unlimited, but nothing in life is as simple as one wishes it to be .One cannnot just simply stop loving another, or turn feelings off, no matter how hard it is wished for , if the feelings were there to begin with. Hence the first paradox, if they really loved you at one time, how can they hurt you so much? Ask yourself one thing. Did they really ever love you to begin with? Secondly one has to admit that both, made mistakes, . Hence another paradox,I lovoed but they treated me badly, to which what happened to cause such a state to end as it did? Another paradox is wanting that someone back, even though in your deepest mind, you know they do not love you, you always retain some glimmer of hope . Another Paradox right there,
I speak from experiance, and in a nutshell, I am seperated from my husband, and he has another in his life, but he is now soon to be homeless and she is married so cannot help him. he wishes to stay in another bedroom I have till he gets back on his feet, and still wishes to have contact with her , althought not at the home, so to speak. He wants to remain friends, and me help him out as a friend, but the pains of the relationship are still fresh. Of coourse all the advice i recieve is split between no and yes, but utimitly the choice is mine to make .
He has not love for me and this i know, but I relate this to a story of a ww2 experiance I once read about. A enemy could have shot down a foe, but choose not to , due to the human feelings he felt about honor, and feeling for another as a human being.
We make our beds, and then complain about the outcome, somehow.
To whit I end this , with this note. We are All Stronger Then WE Give Ourselves Credit For.We Are ALL Human , And The Only One Who Can Hurt You NOW , IS You Yourself. Do not allow anyone to take who you are, and make that feel like a bad thing. You Are ,And Will Be Wonderful In Someones Eyes.
Judy Anderson

I have to also add this to my post,. My father is dying, and right now all the emotional stability I have is all over the place, but the End resutl is making choices I can live with, not for just right now, but for time to come as well . Will I survive all this? I have survived a brain tumor, and have survived loosing a child. I have survived loosing more then just one love in my life. I will survive all of this too. I know I will , somehow, because it is the choice I CHOOSE TO MAKE !.. Thank you for reading !
anonymous

@Kevin –

kevin i completely agree with my bf broke up with me because he too lost that “spark” between us. at first i had no idea what he meant and wanted details, i was still in love. well you just explained it and i understand it now. its horrible that it ended because of it but once the dumper has it in their head that the spark can never just come back and you also cant make it. thank you for your insight.
anotherdud

@Judy Anderson -

You go Judy! You have your head on straight!
It’s taken me time, but I’m getting there…
Sounds to me like he is going suffer a great loss….
one more horrific than homelessness,
and that is YOU!
You will do as you wish…
but I’d give him a blanket and a roll of toilet
paper and send him down the street!
I’m pulling for ya Hon!

Judy Anderson

Anotherdud….

Thank you!
It is affermations like yours, that have kept me in the sane zone.
Make ya a deal, I will help you through yours, and you help me through mine ..Remember, as long as you can still smile or even laugh at a little thing, we are still hanging in there …
P.S… us dumpees, have to stick together , after all we are elite members of a club , that sucks lol

anonymous

i have a question to all of you, how do you get over the pain of being hurt? i think I’ve gotten to the point where i know me and my ex will never be but the part that lingers is being hurt so deeply. i think for me it hurts so much is that we were friends prior to dating and i always thought you don’t treat friends poorly. if anyone has any recommendations or hints please send them my way, I’m tired of feeling ran over by a truck in the mornings waking up and going to bed (those are the two times that i’ve noticed kicks in the most)

Jack

@anonymous – Hey dear anonymous,

Don’t give up on life just yet.
I would recommend seeking help from the professional.
Go for counseling or psychotherapy.
But you need to get your act together & do it quick..
Before it’s too late.

Reply here if you’ve went ahead and seen a professional.
Just wanna know you’re safe.

alice

@Kelsey – hii…i just read your story…i am so glad to know that you have decided to move on..i can never understand your pain though i want you to know that you are not alone..trust in god he will make all things right.god bless you.
anotherdud

@Judy Anderson – “Dumpees Club”? haha Sounds rather like a crappers commitee! What did we do to be honored in a such way????? haha

I would love that you could help with mne, and I can help with yours…. I’ve thought about your situation often enough. I think if he gets cold enough, it might alert that brain cell he’s not been using? From the sound of your losses in life, this one may not even count! I find great comfort in the Lord these days…and I know that if nothing else comes from my gonna be ugly divorce, that it has at least put me back on the right path of my life. That path is yet to be determined, for I have to find a way to support myself and two sons pronto, at the ripe age of 51? But through him all things are possible…….I will just have to prove that. Two ready for college soon? No doubt I will poor enough they can go….that’s the bright side. I might find your husband by the bonfire! haha

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

“Dumpees Club”? haha Sounds rather like a crappers commitee! What did we do to be honored in a such way????? haha

You guys will laugh, but I actually bought the domain dumpeesunite.com years ago . I thought about building a community around it but never got the time to do it.

Who knows maybe one day .

anotherdud

@anonymous – First, you have to allow yourself time. Your feelings were real, and that’s nothing to be sad about. For me, it’s not been quite 3 months, and each day really does get better! When I was first in the throws of my break up, this concept was hard to grasp….it feels like it will never stop hurting! You have a choice to make…live in the past, or go for the future. Each event in life prepares you the next…learn from it, grow from it, and don’t wait for him to come back, unless you like this feeling? This site is so wonderful! Let people help you…We’re all in the same boat…but let’s pretend it’s “the ark.”
anotherdud

@Eddie Corbano – In my most humble and personal opinion, I think the website might flourish in this age? With the epidemic of commitment phobics, the war lost on the sexual revolution (now men can get it anywhere from anyone at anytime)…sex no longer seems personal or valued…therefore, some that give themselves sincerely, and are romantics at heart, seem to be a unique group of their own? Dumpees!
The grass is not always greener on the other side, nor will the next lover fill the void places in your own heart and soul…………but so many people believe this to be true? I for one would be proud to be a united dumpee, and will soon tell the story of why this turned out to be the best thing that every happened to me!! UNITE!
anonymous

@Jack –

hey! thanks for the kind words, today i feel so much better and was really down in the dumps yesterday for some reason. its being able to openly share our thoughts on here and have a group of others going through the same thing that really helps. also, i started reading the power of subconscious mind (one of eddies recommendations) and it has made a world of difference. i also highly recommend it. I’m going to take it day by day and I’ve noticed so far everyday has gotten a bit better and better.
anonymous

@anotherdud –

you’re right there is nothing wrong to feel but i can’t continue to be in the dumps about it. I’m definitely learning from this experience that was brought my way and love that we all can help each other out one way or another.
when we first broke up i contemplated wanting him back but now that time has passed i realized i wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. this has truly opened my eyes. thanks everyone! we can do this and get past this and become better from our experiences!
Bunny

@anonymous – oops.. I was thinking the same thing. for some reason, It has hit me that its time to be done.. Thank you again, Everyone.
Yilene

Last night it happened again… My ex and I had the official “we need to go our separate ways” goodbye – yet again – I’ve lost count how many times we have done this.

Well, he made the statement last night after I put my heart out there & he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship again. I said I agreed that we do need to go our separate ways…

For background… my ex and I were together for about 6 years. It has always been rocky but when it was good, it was great… This last year and a few months now has been the worst year for me – a total emotional roller coaster having him in & out of my life, wanting him to suddenly decide “I am the one” and he wants us to be together again. We (or maybe more so, it has really been me more than both of us) have been hanging on – I’ve been texting him, seeing him every few weeks… and every time we’d be back to affectionate like we’re together & doing couple things — but he doesn’t want what I want (he moved about an hour & a half away – went back to school – and feels like the distance is too much & our relationship’s challenges are still there) — although he manipulates me, gives me this sense that he still cares about me deeply but he just can’t be in a relationship with me or anyone until he gets his life back together and works on his issues (believe me, there are many, including the huge one that he is a year & a few months into recovery from addictions – which he hid from me until I uncovered everything – or maybe I was in denial and didn’t want to see it?) Anyway, I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of fighting to keep this relationship, I’m tired of the highs & lows…
I’m struggling with letting go. I get so far and then I think “I’m ok… I can do this with him, “be his friend,” I can get in touch” and then the whole cycle gets started again… us being couple-like, me wanting him to tell me we can resume what he had when it was official – and then me being a total emotional mess when he says no & then he is mad at me for pushing. And the over talk starts.

Anyone have any advice? How do I get past the heartbreak? How do I REALLY let him go in my mind? For the first time ever, I deleted his number from my mobile; I sent a closure email , pretty much telling him that I’m done with his manipulation and that he has been horrible to me. I know I deserve better – it’s like this addition on my part… to the drama, the heartache, this person that can make me feel so loved & then pull away & hurt me just as quickly. I’ve just been a mess. How can someone be so cruel to another that love them, has been their biggest supporter, and wanted to make things work at all costs?
Judy Anderson

For all of us who had no one to wish them Happy Valentines Day .. here is to us !
I know that so many questions arise , as I have asked those same questions myself> how could they hurt us so, we were there for them ? How can they reel us back in , just to throw us away again ? well in answer to all those questions , The is an answer, they do it cause they can, and we allow them to , by the ” frinedship ship” . well that ship will sail with you in it , because if they wanted to be with you, then heaven and earth would move while they try to resolve any problems.
now here is one of the ways I have found that is very helpful in gaining back a part of yourself . 1. Make a list of of all the things they have done to hurt you, be is words or actions, and all the things that annoyed you about them. Post it on fridge or anywhere in plain sight, and each day add to it , soon you will see “” You Deserve Better Then That “” !! 2. You can and will learn to laugh again, but take the time to see what you were missing while with that person. Soon you will see the world with less pain .
3 .Time Is our best friend right now, so take it to learn what mistakes you can change about yourself, to keep from falling for the snake with just a different name . take the time to pamper yourself, and enjoy having to do, for the ones who care about you .

It used to render me deep down in pain to even hear about the other woman… but I know he is her problem now, and only a matter of time before the shoe will be on the the foot. Will I take him back? Not in this lifetime, not to go through it all over again !!
A snake can shed their skin, but underneath they are still a snake !!!

Most importantly… remember if your told your not the only fish in the sea, remind them , they are not the only fishermen either !!!
Happy fishing all …
PS. my dad is still hangin on, but his time grows short .
Sac

Does anyone feel like they’re not doing enough? It’s been nearly 3months for me..(he split w/ me after 7 years..because he doesn’t love me anymore & his hearts not in it..blah blah)

I feel like I’m not doing enough to get him back or have the opportunity to have him back. We don’t contact..but every so often he’ll text me asking me how I’m doing. I really want to reply saying how much I miss him and want him back..but I dont. I say I’m doing well and looking forward to graduating, making my life sound fantastic without him. But it’s not. Sure enough I’m over the initial stages of a breakup..but I still cry everyother day rather than every day. Have I lost the chance to get him back?
Makkie

@Yilene –

Hi. I know exactly how you are feeling. My Ex and I were together for two and a half years and the in last six months of te time we were together, we broke up four times! It was a case of I was trying to do everything I could to keep him happy, to keep us together and he was just not there. I know he loves me deeply but he was going through a phase in his life where material things like partying, drinking, youth, attention, cars ect were more important than what we had. And even though he loved me, he wasn’t wiling to fight for “us”.

I was a horrible person the last six months.I had isolated myself from my family, my freinds. I was insecure, jealous, constantly crying and upset. I wasn’t me.

I finally made the decision exactly two months ago that I had had enough. That I needed more, deserved more. I cut him off, told him it was over. He needs to figure out what he wants but I’m not willing to wait around while he does.

In these two months I have turned my life around. I have my family & friends back in my life. I’m making myself happy. I realise I need to be my own person before I can share my life with someone else.

It sounds silly but you will be fine, It does get better every day. I’m a different person today.

The best advise is keep yourself busy with anything, work, freinds, hobbies whatever you can. Watch your thoughts, if you haven’t yet try reading The Secret it helps with thought control.

And the other thing which is probably the most important, is NO CONTACT.

It’s ok to have days when you feeling down just as long as you pick yourself up after that. Remember that everything is as it should be. Sometimes good things fall apart so that BETTER things can fall together.
anonymous

Originally Posted By Makkie @Yilene –

Remember that everything is as it should be. Sometimes good things fall apart so that BETTER things can fall together.

@Makkie

I absolutely LOVE <3 this! I am going to keep on repeating this because it is so true! Thank you!
Pain

My ? is how do i get over my husband slaping me throwing me against the wall and then on the bed !!!! I went out one day with some girls from work lets not forget i asked him to go with us he said no “Have fun” and i got home late we were drinking so we did not want to drive we wated for the licker to were off awile in in the parking lot.I called him to let him no what was going on and he started yelling on the phone so i told him i will be home soon and when i got in the door i did not no what hit me. He never did that to me we have been together 4 five yr i do love him so much but staying with him after that is not sitting well with me so i told him i am moving out. I seen my mom go throught that with her man always hitting her not to say that he will do it again but i have 3 lil girls15,12 and 9 and i always told them that they have to b with a man that loves and respect them. I think with that being said if i stay they may think it’s okay to be with a man that put’s a hand on them i had my children be4 him.I cry everyday i lost a good man over him hitting me . I tell my self he will not do it over stay with him but when we first started i told him the only thing that will make me leav him was if he put a hand on me.He knew about my back around with my mother being abuse still to this day and it just hurts me !!!!!!
_Jack_

I found myself to be the “Mania” lover.
And what happened to me is a reminder that we should really love ourselves before we should love anyone.
And here’s my story;

I’ve always have low self esteem due to my awkward teenage years.
I was pimply and constantly being mocked at for it.
Even my mum was rather harsh with her critics(I don’t blame her).

It was only in my late teens, that I discovered that dressing up & looking good on the outside helped to improved my self esteem a little.
Gradually, over time, I take on a new persona & pretended to be really comfortable & confident about myself.. but deep down, I was still very much the same insecure boy that I was years ago.

I never had a gf till I was 24yrs old.
When she came along, it was the best thing that happened to me in my entire adult life.
She was vivacious, gorgeous & full of life.
We fell madly in love.
The sex was marvellous & the passion was strong.
However, over time, I grew increasing insecure & was afraid to lose something so wonderful..
My insecurities got the better of me & I was increasing harsh towards her..
Constantly being fault-finding & verbally abusive towards her, in hopes of being in control of the relationship.
I knew that was a wrong thing to do but I just couldn’t help it due to my low self esteem.
She eventually left me when she could no longer feel love from me.
I was devastated and was suicidal.
We were together for 1.5 years.

However, 3 months later, she came back & wanted me back but I screwed up yet again. I was prideful & dumped her after being back together for 3 weeks, only to realise I still love her dearly( I’m a total mess-up).
But this time, she left for good.
No amount of pleading, calls or emails helped. (Just when I thought I couldn’t screw up any furrther)
I was back to depression again.

Shortly after that, triggered by a desperate attempt to numb my emotional pain, I jumped into a relationship with another girl that came my way.
One that I know, right at the beginning, that I wasn’t able to give my love & attention fully.
The relationship lasted for a year as she became increasing clingy.
She was the one who ended the relationship hoping that I might show her some love in return.. Or that I might court her back.
I didn’t went back to the relationship, for it was getting increasing difficult to have any proper conversation with her.
Thinking back, I guess she belongs to the “mania” category as well, as I do see my reflection in her.

After which, I went single for a year, decided that I should just not meddle with affairs of the heart.
However, in between this one year period, I caught myself thinking about my 1st gf, realising that I haven’t gotten over her(even after more than 2years).
Just when I thought I’m a better person to give love after my one year hiatus from love..
I just wasn’t ready for it.

Then early 2008, I met a lady on the internet, she was everything I ever wanted, matured, attractive, driven & highly successful in her career.
We fell in love.
I thought I have found “the one” for me.
We shared the same hobbies, photography, travelling & a love for japanese food. We visited almost half the globe within our one year & 5 months together.
And guess what, she left me a few weeks back.
I screwed up. Yet. Again.
I was insecure & felt that I didn’t deserve her, the same fault finding cycle repeat itself again.
I literally killed her love for me, single handedly.
And now, I’m all alone.
Picking up my pieces..
Punished by my own insecurity..
Life have lost its meaning for me..
I need help & direction…
Makkie

@anonymous –

Hi Anonymous. This website is just wonderfull isn’t it!

Read your post dated 13/02/2010 and I can totally relate to the
“been hit by a truck” feeling. In the beginning each morning I woke up I would be hit with the realization that we not together anymore and I would panic!
Now I wake up each morning and instead I’m thankfull for all that I have. We need to live the life we have and be thankfull for all that we are blessed with and God will bless us with more.

I agree with Jack, if you can, talk to a professional. I was fortunate to have been seen my therapist for a couple of years now and she has been through the whole relationship with me. Through our sessions I have grown and become so much stronger.

“Remember that everything is as it should be. Sometimes good things fall apart so that BETTER things can fall together.”
This is one of my favourite affirmations and it gets me through those sad moments and makes me feel better.

Have a fabulous day!!!!!!
anonymous

@_Jack_ –

hi jack…so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through but mabe you should speak to a professional and they can assist you to stop your pattern somehow. good luck and keep us posted on how you do.
_Jack_

@anonymous – Thankyou anonymous, I’ve made an appt to see a shrink.
Will let you folks know about my condition & progress.
Really needa get myself outta this mess.

Fellow readers, don’t ever end up like me. Love yourself 1st, before loving anyone. For the insecurity is bound to catch up in the later part of the relationship.

Take care, everyone.
Sac

Does anyone feel like they’re not doing enough? It’s been nearly 3months for me..(he split w/ me after 7 years..because he doesn’t love me anymore & his hearts not in it..blah blah)

I feel like I’m not doing enough to get him back or have the opportunity to have him back. We don’t contact..but every so often he’ll text me asking me how I’m doing. I really want to reply saying how much I miss him and want him back..but I dont. I say I’m doing well and looking forward to graduating, making my life sound fantastic without him. But it’s not. Sure enough I’m over the initial stages of a breakup..but I still cry everyother day rather than every day. Have I lost the chance to get him back?