The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

by Eddie Corbano

1,398

i hate my ex girlfriend Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?

Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.

The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.

He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).

At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken Heart In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on July 31st, 2007)
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Success Stories from other LovesAGame readers

sophie

This site is wonderful! It is nice to know that there are others who are in the same boat this cold winter season. I myself am in the stage of shock. My boyfriend of two years whom I planned to marry pulled the rug under me. He was wonderful lately (almost too good to be true), but I found out that he was secretly chatting and meeting women on a popular dating site. I checked his phone and found numerous women and messages that just made me sick. I have so many questions…..but some questions are just not meant to be answered I guess.
Jack

Hi there fellow dumpee,

I too, was grieving over my break-up with my gf of 1.5yrs.
The break-up happened exactly 3 months ago and when it happened, I thought I was gonna just curl up & die.

For the love of my life, my sunshine, the very reason of my existence had left me. Telling me that she needs to concentrate on her career (she makes half a mil a year & I earn alot lesser) and that she felt she couldn’t love me enough.
No amount of reassurance were sufficient to convince her that I’ll accommodate her way of life as well as her busy schedule..
But the truth is, I’ve always adjust my life to suit her, revolving my life around her.
Thinking that I’ve found “the one” after being single for more than a year, I gave my very best in this relationship.
I was the most loving & romantic bf I could ever be.
I treated her like a princess,showered her with gifts, hand-made stuff, birthday surprises, overseas trips, gave her the space& time to hang out with whoever she wants to..
I gave my heart, my soul, my everything into this relationship.
Trying my best for it to work & last a lifetime.

Yet, she left me.. with an excuse of wanting to focus on her career..when she was partying her weekends away, every chance she got.

I had to take sleeping pills in order to sleep, only to be awoken in the middle of the night with the cold hard fact that she was gone…
After months of sleepless, tears-filled nights..
I just couldn’t walk out of the vicious cycle of self pity & wondering what went wrong..
I thought I did my best yet the end result greatly defers from my envisioned future..

However, gradually over time.. And after reading about that dumpers actually made up their minds long before the break-up on this great site, as well as alot other great articles that Eddie had written.. I figured she had already stopped loving me months before the actual breakup & that sometimes, the attraction between people just ceases over time.

I started looking back at all the emotions I felt then.. as the clouds in my head(& heart) slowly starts to dissipate.
And marvelled at my findings..

I used to think we were made for one another but I realised it’s just the”honeymoon period” which made me felt so.. It’s all the chemicals that masked her short-coming & made her appeared perfect before me.

I used to think by giving everything that she needs, i was doing my part as the giving & loving bf.
But it’s exactly this selfless act that drives her away as I’m no longer a challenge(powerful woman desire that) to her, i was like a puppy that was totally under her control.

I used to think our love will never change & stand the test of time as we were once so in love before.
This was indeed very silly one-sided thinking..
Yet I found a profound meaning beneath my previously distorted, love-blinded belief..
Feelings change.
LOVE IS NOT FOREVER.
Nothing is.
For nothing in this world nothing stays the same, everything changes.
Seeds grow into trees, land erode away, sea turn to desert, all life form grow old & eventually dies.
It’s the law of nature.
The only constant IS change itself.
And by resisting change, which in this case is holding on to the past, we are going against nature itself.
And it’s a battle we can never win, against the course of nature, against the law of the world.

It’s very awakening & liberating, considering i was once a die-hard romantic that believe the greatest joy in life is to find my “missing half”..
This break-up has awoken me.
I no longer ”sleep-walk” my life away..
My fellow dumpee, I don’t meant to be cynical or even brutal, I just wished i somehow managed to let you folks in on a little insight that I realised myself.. over a long torturous period of 3 months( after you awoken from the pain, even a day longer would seemed wasted in self-torture).
I just couldn’t bear to see anyone out there to suffer a min longer over something you can’t change.
And it’s only by accepting the lost love, that we can truly make the 1st step towards total healing & self discovery.
Heed my advice, everything that Eddie wrote here is worth reading over and over again to get them into your head.
For it’s the absolute truth & it’s what that will get us out of our misery fast.

I sincerely wish all of us, a speedy recovery & come out a stronger/better person than before.
For the best revenge is living the fullest that you possibly could.

And a million thanks to Eddie, for being the selfless & beautiful person that you are.

Bless you all.

Samantha

Jack– Thanks for taking the time to write that. My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me on Saturday. I don’t know what my next step is. Everything I thought i knew about my life and about my future has disappeared.
I appreciate your insight, and I thank you for it…because i am in desperate need of moving ahead and realizing that I am much better off in this situation.
and much like you said…
“I used to think we were made for one another but I realised it’s just the”honeymoon period” which made me felt so.. It’s all the chemicals that masked her short-coming & made her appeared perfect before me.
I used to think by giving everything that she needs, i was doing my part as the giving & loving bf.
But it’s exactly this selfless act that drives her away as I’m no longer a challenge(powerful woman desire that) to her, i was like a puppy that was totally under her control.”
…my relationship kind of mimics this…only I’m the puppy, and i thought by doing everything i could to make him HAPPY would make us stay together forever. but you’re right, change is the only constant, and nothing could keep us together but us, both wanting it.

Jack

Hi Samantha,

I’m glad I managed to help.. in whatever little way I could.
I’m sure it’s very hard for you & that you’re going through an extremely trying time right now.. But rest assured, it’ll get better. It will & it must.

For life’s too short to brood over lost love.
And if it’s really meant to be, it would’ve have been.
Love would have found a way no matter what the obstacles are.
So if it ended, then it only means that it is not meant to be.

Just to share something I’ve been reading lately,
“All romantic relationships eventually end up in separation, be it, divorce, break-up or death.”
There is no way a loving relationship could go on forever. I don’t know if it is helpful but somehow, strange enough, I do find comfort in the line above.
The grand picture is to look at it from a different perspective, in “an entire life-span kind of view”..
Try zooming out from the current situation and fast forward it to ten years from now, all these wouldn’t have matter then.
It’ll eventually be a past, a memory, an old scar that no longer hurts.

I sincerely hope that you find strength & walk out of this soon.

Should you need to talk about it further, just reply on this tread.

I wish you well & a speedy recovery.

Best Rgds
Jack

anotherdud

Living and Learning….I’ve been reading posts on here for almost 3 months now…and so many sound familiar to my own. For this reason, I would like to share some of what I have learned through my own heartbreak and trauma.

If you are involved with an ambivalent person, an assclown, a commitment phobic, (numerous titles for a jerk)…learn all that you can relating to that sort of behavior. If a person really cares for you, they don’t keep leaving you and coming, leave, back, leave back…

I married mine…………..so, 8 yrs later, and I can not begin to tell you the pain and heartbreak that can result from such.

It seems to be society’s great secret, but I’m here to tell you….

Psychopaths are ambivalent. This does not mean someone is going to rip your appendages off for breakfast….But a psychopath does not feel love, nor empathy, nor guilt…and indeed, has no conscience whatsoever. They are with you to use you for their own purposes. That could be money, image, comfort…or whatever they require at the moment. They are the greatest actors in civilization, known for short lived relationships or marriages, very gregarious and articulate, and downright exciting and sexy! Many others pale to compare………….for it seems to good to be true, and trust me, it is.

Many are successful, for that does matter to them…money, wealth power and control. Only they are worthy, in their eyes.

They’re manipulative, deceptive and out for themselves only. They can walk away from a family and never look back or have any concern. They lie and make promises, for they know what you want and need to hear…………..but they can only mimic emotions.

I’m not trying to frighten anyone…but you should learn the red flags if you’re in an ambivalent or emotionally unavailable relationship or marriage, and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family. Knowledge is power. If only I had known……………………..
Max

@sophie – I think in many cases we know the answers to those questions; We just have to be willing to accept those answers. Can we stomach that the person we trusted can be so deceiving or show so little regard to their partner’s feelings? those issues can be very difficult to get over.
brad

@Max –

I think you hit the nail right on the head Max. Its the trust part thats the hardest to put in the water again. And trying to reconcile the lies and deceit with “remembering the good times”, can be a fools errand and a very damaging waste of time, and energy. The only thing that works for me is to work at having some forgiveness, and it comes so much easier when you start on you, but you have to actually want it.
Joe

I agree with Brad and Max. Living in the past looking for those special moments to justify your feelings for this person just keeps you stuck from moving forward. I too am recovering from an emotional abusive relationship…. the lies and deceit now becoming a distant memory after 7 long months. Loving yourself again is not easy but imperative. Joe
DIANE

hi everyone,i have just broke away from an 11yr relationship,the pain is awful unless you have been through it nobody understands,it is comforting reading you posts knowing im not alone with this suffering it being my decision dosnt make it any easier,as some of you said you torture yourself with memories over and over again its only been 1mth just glad im getting through each day,when will the pain stop.
anotherdud

@DIANE – There is no set date, but for me, it seemed the cloud starting lifting somewhat around the 3rd month. At least now, I am able to look back and analyze more realistically what the relationship really was…instead of what I wanted it to be. I’ll let you know when the pain stops…..maybe after the divorce? Mmmmmmm
DIANE

@anotherdud – thankyou for your words,its awful that so many people are hurting due to another ones behaviour,I know I wont let anybody hurt me anymore,but on the downside it stops you from trusting again,the posts on this site are heartbreaking,is it true our lives are mapped out for us,and all this upset is meant to be for something better in the future,its hard to understand but do hope theres a reason,and each and everyone us will find our future and be happy again I hope
anonymous

@anotherdud –

you are so right! i look back and i was involved with a psychopath, who i thought was WAY different than all the others i had ever dealt with but nope he was just better at playing the role than all the others. i know now what to look for and i pray that i don’t fall for another one…
Jazzy

@sophie – Hello Sophie. I too have that problem. My BF and I have been together for 4 years but, I always find his profiles on different dating sites. This last time, he used my PC (stupid huh?) and he accidentally left his email logged in. That’s how I found out, got his password and logged in to snoop. Just don’t know what to say anymore or how to approach this again. Coz, last time, he called me disrespectful. I didn’t really mean to pry on his privacy but, I did.
Donna

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I just couldnt stand the way he treated me sometimes. He humiliated me & I broke up with him numerous times only to take him back again. This time though I know I did the right thing. The problem is though is that I still love him & it hurts to see how rude he is to me when I see him now. Hes determined to hurt me now by seeing other girls and rubbing it in my face. I try to look brave every day but inside im falling to pieces. I dont know if i will get over him. I feel a constant pain in my chest and often have a lump in my throat just thinking about him. I anyone has a similar situation id like to know how you dealt with it. Thanks
DIANE

I took my now ex partner back 3 times,like you i ended it 5 wks ago I know the feeling of the pain in your chest feeling a wreck inside,but I know I made the right decision too even though it hurts like hell,are you sure you love him? may be its just the pain whats making you think that,reading posts on this site helps me knowing im not alone on these long dark nights take each day at a time,i still have really down days it can only get better and you will too be strong and believe theres someone out there better for you,who will treat you as you deserve,ive made sure I have not been anywhere where I would see him,that would help you too heal and find youself again.
Donna

Thank you Diane. I try to avoid all contact, but he writes things on facebook and people tell me about it. I have blocked him from facebook and anything else i do online. hes now seeing a girl that i dont like & he knows that. im not being big headed but she is nothing special to look at….which proves hes doing it to hurt me. he was always very picky, he would notice a hair out of place on a girl. and maybe you’re right, maybe i dont love him, maybe its just that hes trying to hurt me and hes succeeding in this. its very hard to imagine being with anyone else though…i see good looking guys but i have no interest or intentions to go out with them. I feel like I will never be ready. After 2 months, its really only hitting me hard now….i just feel lazy & worthless. like i have nothing to live for.
shelly

I am reaching out for understanding I feel lucky to find this site, I feel so much pain~I feel hopeless! My 7 years+ in a relationship may have just ended~he has cheated, yet he can say he loves me? This is really hard,does it make any difference that I believed in him, that I am menopausal, almost 51, thought we were always & forever? Thats what he wanted me to believe, so he could do whatever he chose whenever he wanted to! He is not talking to me, I am thinking we are over just because he will not confront the truths! He has not called me in 2 days, he was very ashamed, yet he is gone! I feel sick & messed up! I need perspective not silence! I never imagined myself without him, now I am faced with the ultimate betrayal & his lack of regard! Whats next?
Annie

Ive Dated my ex for 4 years, he’s done some pretty messed up things to me in the past years yet ive ALWAYS taken him back,
We’ve known eachother since highschool. and liked to think of him as my first love.. We’ve had are ups and down. we moved in together about 7 months ago and that didnt last but maybe four months. I came home one morning to find all his friend crashd out everywhere and my house stinking of cig and boos. I walkd outside to have a seat and noticed a cig with lip stick on it after he told me it was just the guys over, I was furious. I’ve done just about everything for this guy, gave him my hole heart, was there for him when he was haveing family problem helpd him with just everyday life things. He was honestly my bestfriend. or so i thought. wakeing up at three in the morning to calls and texts from different girls and him have a code on his phone like he was hiding something was so shady, he swears up and down that hes NEVER cheated on me. but i find this hard to beleave. we were once broken up before for a 1yr and half and i have no idea how or why we got back together but we did.
After living together it got so bad that are relationship turnd into a emontional and physicaly abused relationship
we fought constincely and i couldnt handle it anymore. its been a month since we’ve been broken up but i feel like it was just last week. its hard for me and im sure many of you.
so i have a few questions for whom ever would like to answer them for me.
1) Was i stupid to take him back after we had already been broken up for a year and half?
2) Instead of ending it sooner why did he drag it out and hurt me even more.
3) Why does he date girls and talk to girls he nos i dont like, then trys to rub it in by telling my friends.
4) Why is it so hard to let go, it should be easy after all the things he has done right?
anotherdud

@shelly – Dear Shelly, My heart goes out to you,, what’s left of it anyway.
we are the exact same age, and under the exact circumstances, My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore. He left 3 months ago..He said he just wasn’t happy anymore, but it turns out he’s happy I guess, just with someone else. Had you seen any signs of your husbands behavior changing? Or were you just blown away?I hope that what’s next for you differs greatly from the path I am on. My stbx was at an attorneys’ office two weeks later. He had thought about leaving for a long time, I suppose,. He just didn’t share it with the rest of us. I would only suggest a couple of things to you…that I have learned from my own mistakes. Do not contact him. Go ahead and feel the pain, and share it with your friends or family that care for you. Set boundaries and abide by them. It is your life, and you have to demand that you are treated with the love and respect you deserve. I am left to start a new life, without an education or career, for I’ve been a stay at home for over 20 years…Though I’m paralyzed with fear sometimes, it always comes back to this….I do not want someone with me that doesn’t love and adore me the way I do them. Life is too short. If he found someone he believes is better, then have at it…He has walked away from a wife who loved him, and his two stepsons that adored him and really looked up to him. He has had no contact with them either. If he can look himself in the mirror, then he’s not the man i thought he was anyway. I have a good book….It’s called “I Use to Miss Him but my Aim is improving”…a comedic interval to a devastating event. Write anytime…we’re all pulling for you.
Max

@Jazzy – I can understand in apologizing for prying but you would not be prying if you trusted your boyfriend. Seems to me that if your boyfriend is posting profiles on other dating sites maybe you should asked him are you the right person for him. Ironic how the question is turned to you prying and disrespectful, I think it is very disrespectful to be posting profiles on dating sites while being intimate with someone else., I think is even more disrespectful that he does it using your computer. If he being so secretive of this what else could he be hidng and can you trust someone who does that. After four years it should be clear who he is with. Next time he questions your actions; Asked how he feel if you went around doing the same? The fact that he posts a profile and sees nothing wrong in his actions but can turn around and accuse you for being disrespectful. I consider that emotinal abuse. The fact that he does that must hurt your feelings. Take care of yourself, and trusting each other is the key.
Pebbles

Hi everyone, I stumbled on this website just lastweek and since then I have read a few pages. I am currently going through breakup of a nine year relationship. I just hit the 4mths milestone and truthfully it hasnt gotten any easier.

We work at the same place and my ex has two young ladies that he is currently “Dating” come by his office very often.

I am the one who broke off the relationship because I was filled with uncertainty, anger and major TRUST issues where he is concerned (he has cheated on me more than once).

Just last year I found out about his 4 year long affair with a “friend” of his. He was very apologetic after the truth came out and the next thing I know by the end of July we were planning a wedding for this July 2010. He gave me no time or space to deal with what I had just found out, he acted as if he was gonna die if I didnt forgive him. We had a big misunderstanding in November and he was being very stubborn, not wanting to talk to me and stuff, then he said he has to rethink his future. I was totally unprepared to hear him say that cause I had just forgiven him for 4 yrs of infidelity and because I didnt have the same viewpoint as he did on a matter he wants to “rethink his future”. At that point I walked away and I havent looked back.
In less than a month since we broke up, he is sleeping with two other young ladies and it is killing me like crazy.

He says he has done absolutely nothing wrong and he would love for us to go to counsiling and see if we can resolve our issues and work on our relationship again.
The pain intensifies everyday and he’s soooooooo happy moving along with his two girls.
I have tried everything in the book to distract myself(apart from entertaining another man) but nothing works. I think about him and those two girls every minute of the day and it gets worse and worse. I am sooooooooooo tired of crying, second guessing my decision and talking about him. I just want the pain to go away.

I love him but I dont think I could ever TRUST him and even though my head knows that my heart wants to fo counciling and try and work it out.

I would welcome any sound advice
Donna

@Annie – You were wrong to take him back but i can 100% understand why you did. I broke with my boyfriend last year for 3 months then got back together. it lasted another year but it wasnt our best year. we broke up again just a week before christmas because he was so inconsiderate. he knows how much i love christmas but its like he doesnt care what matters to me so its very sad for me to know he wasnt willing to put in the effort. I also found my ex on dating sites a few times. i know he didnt meet with any of these girls but it still hurts to know when im gone hes taking to girls online. Its so hard to let go of him even though i finished it myself. i told him i didnt love him anymore but thats not true. i cant eat or sleep, its killing me. but hes going out of his way to hurt me now because hes started seeing a girl he knows i hate. he doesnt even like her but he upsetting me because i broke up with him. I gave him my heart & soul only to find that it was a one way relationship. I caught him talking to his ex on numerous occasions and i even caught him meeting up with her behind my back. hes never really had to suffer any consequences for his actions until now….but its still killing me & im finding that just getting through the day is harder than i imagined.
bridget

@Donna – The thing that I have realized is….guys get over girls by dating other girls. Girls have a hard time dating other guys after a break up, because they still think there may be a chance they will get back together, so if they sleep with someone else their ex will never take them back. Right there is double standards. I’m speaking from experience. My ex boyfriend and I have been together over 3 and a half years, have broken up 4 times. The first serious break up, I caught him hanging out with his ex girlfriend, who just so happens to be my cousin. Me being the stupid girl I was, instead of running from that ((should have been a red flag that he was an ASSHOLE)) I got seriously depressed and would call him and text him pleading how much I loved him. Well after a month, he took me back. Which was fine, for the first day. Because I then became super jealous, and constantly worrying that he was talking to someone else. Bottom line is, the night I saw her car at his house was the night I stopped trusting him. He basicly took my heart and all my feelings and destroyed them. So why did I take him back worse why did I try to get him back?? Because I was lonely. Because he made me feel like I couldn’t find someone better. It’s like a drug, you know it’s bad, and you know you should just walk away. But you can’t, because you’re scared that you will be alone. It takes a lot of faith, and control. Something that I still do not have. So best of luck to all of you! I hate to break it to you, but no one has the answer. Just practice will power, think positive, and know that you loved once and you can always love again. Because you live and you learn. That is what life is all about. So learn from your mistakes, and lean when you walk away and learn when to try.
bridget

@Pebbles – trust is everything. If you say you can’t trust him, bottom line is you can’t!! So don’t try to make your self believe that you can, because you are just wasting your time. Accept the fact that it is over and start a new beginning. It is going to be hard, take it day by day. Rearrange your life so the thoughts of him get less and less everyday. If you find yourself thinking about him, think of what he did!!! DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE GOOD!!! Cause you will NEVER get over him.
heartbroken girl

Hello everyone,
Me and my boyfriend just broke up, well he broke up with me. bc i accidently called him my exbf name. Dont get me wrong i wasnt thinking about my ex or anything. it just poped out of my mouth. he got mad and broke up with me. he havent spoken to me since then. I have been upset and heart broken. its like i have no meaning for life anymore. He is the love of my life. I just dont know what i got to do for him to believe me that it was just a mistake. He loves me still and i know that. He just needs time i believe. What do u guys think. should i just move on or i should just try to get him back by showing him i love him no one else. help me please
shelly

@anotherdud – THANKS!! My regards to you! YES~his behavior has been somewhat different once I found out about his cheating/at that point he was exposed so anything he said was to put the blame on me! I was hoping for a mutual compromise, seek counseling yet he would keep the blame game in play as his only way to deal with his choices. No way am I to blame for his betrayals, thats due his lack of morals/self-respect/commitment; he was happy as long as he had me believing in him, then all of a sudden I am left hurt(devastated), faced with uncertainty of any future with him! I know he is not willing to change even though he says he loves me & he is sorry! Yet he has not shown me any concern/care as its all about him, so I am reasoning with the facts! I admit I love him & I care for him, I just am not able to be in love with him or his kind! It would be a different scenario could he be mutual, but he is one-sided, apparently as he refuses to do what would be proper to keep us together. THIS IS SAD & IT HURTS ME DEEPLY! We have not talked since Friday! How can I go 2 seconds without thinking of how, what, why this would happen as I could not imagine my life without him before he was found out? Love is blind!? 4 sure LOVE is kind, enduring, love never fails! Well he did! I am worthy of true love, I believed that was in him! The pain & sorrow comes from knowing he is untrustworthy! okay I can recover! I must!
Max

@bridget – I think that there is no universal answer to recovering from a relationship that has cost many heart ache and disappointment. We are all different and unique and every situation is a little different. I think how many of us recover or move on has a lot to do as to where we are in life with our own selves. I hear many people say “he/she makes me happy or I could not live without him/her” More the question should be were you happy before you met him or her and what was it that made you happy then that he or she replaced. Can we not go back to same thing or state of being. Many of us were happy and can be happy, I think we just have to learn to let go. Again, there is no cookie cutter answer, because we are all different. Focus on what makes you special, and unique rather than focusing on what you could done right or said. Did you ever stop to think that maybe it wouldn’t have matter what you did or said; the break up was going to happen either sooner or later. The fact that many of you are still willing to share and look for answers is a good thing, it should serve that iregardless of how bad the relationship was or is ” you still do care and willing to share with others your experiences” I know plenty of people that are bitter and have closed themselves off like onions. Your happiness is based on you and not someone else. As for gus that moved on and quickly date, they will soon be breaking up with one too or the other way around. People are in search of that person or thing that will make them happy and move from one to the other, truth of the matter is no one can make them happy and the only one that can achieve that is oneself.
Max

@heartbroken girl – It sounds lieka “faux pas” it was unintended and you boyfriend got his feelings hurt. If your boyfriend is so sensitive then, maybe he should be sensitive to yours as well. More time and apology should be sufficient. Asked him what is it going to take for him to forgive you? Time? you dragging your heart around? how much is too much? I think you did enough, but in the end this is about you and valuing yourself. The way I see it if is so quick to break up with you over a name; is that how less he thinks of you then? I’d be careful sounds too me like this is one of those where too much is never enough!
Pebbles

Its the confusion and the second guessing of one’s choice to walk away that makes it even harder. I am 34 and the thought of finding someone who is not a smoker,drinker, womanizer, abuser, but a true christian and a gentleman seems to get slimmer by the days. It makes you wonder if you should just stick with what you have and try and work it out. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shelly

I am getting alot better perspective of my feelings just by all of your individual insights/I am experiencing emotional distress, by relating to most of your heartbreaks as my own I am realizing how true and significant it is to be in tuned with your true self & not allow somebody elses selfishness/disregard of your purpose to take away your happiness/well-being as that is our own! We may allow ourselves blindly to go beyond what is expected of ourselves, sometimes for the sake of love. So we have heartache/heartbreak, live & learn; now is the time to regain & strengthen our inner self, time is on our side! THANKS Eddie for your encouragement!!!
Kelly

My boyfriend of a year broke up withe me 4 days ago. Reading this article gave me some comfort, but I’m still hurt and grieving all the same. I, like you and some others that I’ve read here, tried to keep the relationship by loving him with everything I had. I gave him everything that I could. I would’ve done anything for him. I thought he was the one. Our relationship, in my eyes, was perfect. The only problem, the only bump, was that he didn’t care for me like I cared for him. We became best friends through our journey; we had so much fun and so many good times. We were there for the deep stuff; we were together for the insignificant stuff. But, for whatever reason that I cannot discover, he didn’t ever fall in love with me. It kills me to know that he doesn’t love me. It kills me that my future is a blur now.
I know these feelings are normal. I do not know what to do from here.

shelly

@Kelly – I feel for you~time is on your side, you will get beyond the pain, its best to put aside your self doubt/value yourself; your happiness is based on you not someone else~YOU ARE CAPABLE OF LOVING/JUST UNDERSTAND A ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIP HAS NO DIRECTION/LEAVES THE COMMITED ONE WITH UNCERTAINTY/EVENTUALLY YOU ARE LEFT BEHIND IN SHOCK! I know now that this was my downfall; I love him, I endured through alot with him over our time together only to find out he was only about himself, sure we had many wonderful memorable moments, but the real sorrow for me was that he was untrustworthy~I can truly say I am focusing on my self right now as I realize my energies & heart were always there making our relationship an exhausting work in progress; heading nowhere~because I love him so much, it is time to let go! HE IS SELFISH, I SEE THAT NOW! Does this make any sense to you? I hope for your best! Take care of you!

Larry

I’ve been married for 10 years now. My first love and I broke up three years before I got married. We were together for more than 10 years. We were more than high school sweethearts, I always thought we were soul mates. It was really hard when we broke up. She made the decision to marry a coworker, which I never expected. Even to this day,I still think about her. I know she is married and happy. Over the years, I’ve gone through the various stages of grief (even doing things I am not very proud of). I used to Google her name, just to see what she’s doing. I even access her email account, before she changed her password. Just to name a few. I know it was wrong. Sometimes, when your heart aches for someone, your brain does stupid things. Well, as time has gone by, it has become easier. . So, from a guy who has been there and done that, let me close by saying, “love does hurt, but if you truly love someone — remember the good things and let that person go.” And, if in your in a relationship now, cherish the person you have or regret it later. Always try to find the good in everyone. That is the key to happiness.”
Pebbles

I know that no one can tell when the pain will stop or when the days will actually be bright again. My pain is not so much accepting that what we shared for nine years is over, but how quickly I am replaced and how HAPPY he is. I struggle to get up out of bed in the morning while he is on CLOUD NINE with his new girl. Everyday I try soo hard BUT it hurts even HARDER when he’s up in my face so happy(we work at the same place). No we dont speak really. All these different emotions drive me crazy. I long for the day when I can truly feel free of what was and start enjoying life again. To all those who are going thru the same thing right now, I am believing for all of us that a brighter day is coming. A day when the sight of them or the mention of their names doesnt disturbed or affect our day in a negative way. It is obvious that they are not in the least concerned about what we feel cause I guess in their eyes we brought this pain on ourselves whether we walked away or they dumped us. They dont have time wondering or hurting about us, they are moving on with their lives, we will too, in time my friends in time.
As much as we are in pain, there are people in this world who are still hurting more than we are, many have overscome great horror and pain in their lives so we will too. Once there is life there is hope.
lost

I was with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We had lived together for a long time and had what I thought was a beautiful home and a healthy relationship. We had made wedding plans and had planned out our future. However, one day he come home from work with the usual smile on his face (he was always a really happy person) and told me that he just wanted to see other people and to get out. It was such a shock because the week before was spent with wedding planners at his request. Within a week he expected me to get out. I quit my job and move over 750 miles to move back in with my mother. I know now that I gave him all the control in the break up simply because I was stunned and so hurt. It has been almost 4 months since I have moved out. I have since learned that I shouldn’t have been so blindsided. I guess I am just stupid for not seeing sooner that there were hoards of other women in the last few months of our relationship. I am not sure why he wouldn’t just leave me before the cheating began, but alas I cant control someone else’s behavior. My question about this article is pretty simple. I know my passion in life and my purpose. I was working towards this with my ex. What do you do if your purpose in life is dependent on someone else? I had spent 5 years working on establishing myself and he establishing himself. We were so close to having what I thought was our dream. How do you just start over? Esp when your future was so intertwined with someone else? I know that I am still in shock I guess because I honestly woke up every morning happy and felt blessed to have such a wonderful relationship. We laughed and had so much fun with each other all the time. If we would get into the extremley rare fight it would maybe last for 2 hours then we were both appologizing. I still just really feel like my goals in life were so dependent on him that I don’t know how I could ever accomplish them on my own. I also am finding such a hard time to let go. There has been some discussion of working it out, but I have too much respect for myself to go back (esp considering the “terms” he created which include he gets to date and sleep around for a while) With that being said, I still find myself talking to him on the phone everynight. It just feels so much better just to hear his voice. I know that he doesnt love me anymore and I just wish I could get to that point with him. Why is it so hard to move on?
Icy

@anotherdud –

Dear All,

I’m so glad that I’ve found this site. I’ve only had a chance to read a couple of recent posts – Samantha’s, Jack’s, and Anotherdud’s, and I now know that I’m not the only one. I’m in a “combined-situation” at the moment … and it’s extremely hard to bear …

To summarise, I left the guy I was with for 3 years+ for a “psychopath” as described by Anotherdud. The guy I was previously with was sincere, pure, and was someone I was ready to marry for life. But after meeting the psychopath, I feel madly in love with him, and didn’t care about the feelings of my bf, and ofcourse in the end, the bf left me for good. Two issues came out of this,

1 – my bf’s depression surfaced, in addition to past trauma, and additionally from knowing I was madly in love with the psychopath. I was truely honest with my bf, and told him I don’t know why I was so in love with psychopath. His depression made it worse, and made me dislike him more, and find spending time with the psychopath more exciting.

2 – after the bf left me, it is reasonable that he can’t accept me again, though I worked out how insane I’ve been. The problem is that, I’m like a “puppy” to the psychopath now. I want to leave him, but I don’t seem to be able to. He is demanding, emotional abusive, and can be violent at times, though he holds and never actually hits me physically or anything. I know that if I stay with him, I’d be either beaten up in the future (domestic violence), or I’ve be doing whatever he wants, like a slave.

Everything has become really complicated, and I’m going thru a crucial time with my studies. I don’t seem to be able to concentrate, and I always feel guilty for what I have done to my bf, but also, I seem to keep backing down from the psychopath. In a way, it appears to me that I’m trying to make up, be a good gf, etc. to make up for my guilt for my ex-bf, hence allowing psychopath to be in control. I throw a rage sometimes, even at the psychopath because he gives me sh*ts. I managed to give him two slaps on the face yesterday, and now he said, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I think I’ve become a psychopath myself now …

Ever since meeting psychopath, my whole personality seem to have changed entirely, and he seems to suck all my confidence away. I don’t have a good support of friends, which makes things difficult. I can’t concentrate doing my studies, yet, I don’t have other things that could keep me busy due to the lack of friends. All my friends are either busy with their partner’s, or claim they don’t have time to do things together. Sometimes, I feel very disappointed, because, those same friends had issues themselves before yet I always make myself available for them. I feel sad coz they just can’t make themselves available for me when I need it. Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I have a lot of academic achievements recently, but I’m not happy. I always share such things with someone close, such as my partner. How do I go about finding myself? I really want to escape sometimes … I want to disappear …
Marcus

@Samantha –

Hi Jack,

I just read your post and had to write and tell you how thankful I am that you did.

First off, did we date the same person..lol… Your ex and my ex sound exactly the same. All the things that she told you I heard myself, “it’s not you, it’s me and my carrier. I need to concentrate on that and I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now”. She also told me that she still wants to be in my life, as a friend, a close friend. She does not want to close the door on being in my life. i’m trying to walk away and move on with my life, but it’s such a challenge to say no and walk away and cut all ties…

Just like you Jack, i was/am a hopeless romantic who gave everything I could to display my love and happiness to her. Hearing that I’m not alone in these feelings and how I acted makes me feel no so alone these days. I’m going to take your advise and listen to Eddie.

Thanks again for opening your heart and telling the world your story.

I also wanted to thank everyone else who’s posted their feelings and experiences. I wish the best to everyone!

God Bless,
Marcus

Jack

@Marcus –
Hello Marcus,

1st of all, i’m quite sure we did not date the same person..
But they do sound like the same woman, don’t they?
LOL

I guess they both belong to the same type of personality.
The sort that love themselves more than anyone else.
Not that it is any wrong to love yourself indefinitely but there’s always a risk of getting oneself hurt should we ever fall in love with people of this sort of personality.

However, I’m glad my post have helped you to feel less alone in this difficult time.
And the best advice I can offer is to really listen to what Eddie is saying.
Check out all of his articles for they are really valuable & provide great insight to many issues you might have.
I always feel that, the soonest we are aware of what’s the root/cause of the problem, the earlier we can rectify the situation(depression/heartache).

It’s a pity that being a hopeless romantic doesn’t always guarantee the best outcome in a relationship.
And the tendency of getting hurt is usually higher as we always give our all when it comes to affairs of the heart..

One thing I learn the hard way from this failed relationship is there is no such thing as “the one” or “one true love”, no matter how much affinity one might share with his/her partner.
Any form of a successful relationship is hard work that requires plenty of attention, effort, maturity, effective communication skills as well as a common goal.
So my advice to my fellow dumpees is to love consciously, with awareness instead of being head over heels in the relationship.
Only then, we’ll be able to notice any “redflags” & salvage the situation before things get outta hand.
But that’s just my opinion.

Lastly, Marcus my friend, you might want to check out those books that Eddie recommended as well for they might help you to speed up the healing process.

I wish you well & the very best on your journey to recovery.

And to my fellow dumpees,

Godspeed.

Judy

hello to all that are here and reading this.. I posted a while back on my situation, and now it is come to almost killing me ….. I took my soon to be ex back but only to give him a place to stay while he got back on his feet.. he is not with me in that sense .. but now his girlfriend “” friend “” is calling him here each nite and if i fuss about it he screams at me .. i am once again trapped by my own trying ot be a good person and trying ot be nice … It got me right back in a whirlpool of anger , that he could be so coldhearted … I should have known , yes i know I will admit it first .. I should have … but I guess my heart is just too good and such that here I am again writing to you all … He has nothing to say on my behalf but plenty to say on hers , Yes I already knew we were through but to rub it in my face like that is just unbelievable … i am waiting on tax return to file for divorce and then i plan on throwing him out for good, they deserve each other in my book.. just sorry that her husband will suffer as well .. yes she is married as well … thanks for listening to me rant all… God bless the heart.. for it knows pain and love ….
Johnners

This is hard for me to write and I have never done anything like this before… I’m hoping that by writing this I can start the healing process. It’s a long tale but I’ll try and condense it the best I can so bear with me

I’ll start in February 2008. I met a girl I worked with on a night out and we chatted for quite a long time. It was sort of prearranged as we both knew each other was going to be out and we became inseparable friends from that point on.

She was living with someone and as I got to know in time she was desperately unhappy in relationship but was so scared to move out. The guy was a dominating control freak who thought it was fine to sleep about (5 girls that we found out about, maybe more) but if she came home 5 minutes later than she said etc then she got hell. I supported her and I would say that (not being big headed in anyway) slowly I rebuilt her confidence. So much so that she took matters into her own hands and decided that she had had enough and it was time to move out. This was late summer now and as he realised he was losing control of her, his behaviour become more erratic and violent towards her so she needed to get out. It was also apparent that we had feelings for each other… major feelings… We talked about a possible future together and how things could possible be. We talked about how things would be as we worked together and the pros and cons of any relationship.

Now it is the end of September and she has finally moved out to a nice new apartment where is wanted to be, to be near family and friends (I should point out that I lived about 45 miles away from her) From that moment our relationship became one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had. We could do all the things we’d talked about, we could curl up and watch TV etc. I should point out here that there is a 10 year age gap between us but neither of us ever thought about it.

Suddenly, over night, things changed. At the end of November she bumped into the ex partner for the first time since moving out and there were arguments, tears, phone calls to me etc. From that point on our relationship changed. She wouldn’t go out anywhere with me in case I was seen with her by him or his friends. To me she was keeping her options open but I stayed. Christmas and New Year came and went and I hardly saw her and by Feb 2009 I had had enough. She was hiding her phone, keeping it on silent and generally acting weird so I challenged her. I knew there was contact between them but I didn’t know what and she kept saying there wasn’t so I asked to see her phone bills…she declined. I took matters into my own hands and got her passwords to everything – mobile account, email, facebook etc. I was shocked – sometimes a 100 texts to the ex a day. She would be texting him all morning at work, go out for lunch with me then carry on texting when she came back in. I was in complete shock. Obviously I confronted her and got a load of crap. The lies just kept coming and I kept supporting her and wanting to believe her I guess. At Easter 2009 she said she was going to her dads for tea but actually went back to the house she shared with this guy to see how she felt. She got caught out again but she said that she was glad because she had to do it for ‘closure’ Phew I thought, now we can get back to where we were. Alas no… He tried every tactic to get her back – nasty, nice, emotional blackmail etc and everytime she would start thinking about going back. Whenever she was on her own for a period of time I always came back to the same thing – that she thought she still had feelings for him…
Now you are going to wonder why I stayed. Well I am 36 and have made a fair few mistakes and I tried to be different this time. I invested so much time and energy into this person and our relationship I wasn’t ready to let it go. I believed that she would come to her senses. 2009 was coming to a close and we were still in the same situation. I was being lied to, treated really badly yet I stayed. We had many conversations about it not working and calling it a day but we kept going back to each other – maybe it was because we worked together. She would still not be seen out with me in case he saw so I guess I knew that he was her ‘backup’ plan.

Christmas and New Year passed again and still we did nothing. I was losing my faith by now. She had started a degree in the September and her first exam was the end of Jan ’10. I helped her revise for this even though something bigger was about to hit me. A guy from her town had asked her out. She claimed that she had said no she was involved with someone but they were constantly texting each other everyday. Not only had I the ex to compete with now another potential suitor. This was it for me and on Jan 27th we called it a day. She claimed she loved me but no longer loved us. The working environment became tough.

3 weeks ago today (the Friday) she said at work that we needed to talk and I left it till the Monday. When the Monday came round she was a different person and had changed her mind and we were back to zero contact. The Thursday after that I went for quite a major operation and she text me to see how it went and I explained there had been a few complications and I would be in longer than expected. I went back to work last week on the Wednesday and she didn’t ask how I was on either the Wed or Thurs. On the Wednesday she got her results for the exam and I heard from someone else she had passed. By Friday I was the bigger person and went and said congratulations – she said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t think I would care. I asked had she told this guy that she was texting that she had passed and she said she had… I felt gutted. 2 years of her being my best friend and she couldn’t tell me. Then the end – last Saturday she got with this guy while she was out and he took her out last night. She wouldn’t be seen in public with me yet she went for a meal & the cinema last night for her birthday which is today. And the icing on the cake is that the ex knows him and plays football with him.
I saw her at work today and didn’t even say happy birthday, I couldn’t bring myself to knowing she had been out the night before. It was all I wanted – to be normal with her yet it wasn’t to be. Maybe it was the age gap, maybe this guy was more suited (being 28 and nearer her age) but what I do know is this. I have never put so much into a relationship and I have never been so hurt by another human being. I gave her my all, she was my best friend and while I am hurting like hell she seems to be fine. I have to see her at work 5 days a week. I am in hell. I want to smash her head in, his head in, say everything I feel but instead I am keeping out of the way and only dealing with her via email for work items
As you probably realise I have only touched the surface

I stood by all the lies, like a fool, hoping that we would come through it but instead I was used, a meal ticket, someone when needed not wanted. So by trying to be different in this relationship I actually got hurt worse. Now I have to fix myself
Lisa

Wow…..another dud……..were you dating my boyfriend the same time I was? LOL! You have explained him to a T. I work on a psych unit and have looked into all this and he has the same personality that you just described. USE until they can’t use you any longer than on to the next without batting an eye!! I’m ending this emotional abuse tonight for good. No more messing with my emotions and making promises that he never had any intentions on keeping.
Johnners

@Pebbles –

Hi Pebbles

If you read my post (number 683) you will see that I’m in a similar situation to you. I have to go into work everyday knowing that my ex is with someone else and seems happy while my insides are turning inside out. It was her that did the wrong but it was me that stood by and hoped she would change. Your situation is similar as it would seem that he wronged you yet he seems fine… Not fair is it?

We are an open plan office and I am right by the door so she has to walk past me when ever she enters or leaves the office. I have started coming in later than I used to, to avoid ‘Morning’, I make sure that I am away from my desk when she leaves so I don’t have to say ‘Night’. I don’t know if this is truly helping but I am trying to have minimal work contact at all times. As I type this I have spent all morning wanting to phone her and ask for reasons but I have resisted. I am hoping that in days to come that urge will go – it has to…

Do you really believe that counselling would help? Honestly? If someone had a 4 yr affair do they really have ANY respect for you at all? My relationship was only 2 years and I have never been shown as little respect by a fellow human being. This is hard for me to say as the respect, support & love I showed this person was second to none. I invested 100% and I have been guilty of not doing that in the past with quite a few longterm relationships. Didn’t count for much, me giving 100%… I mean maybe it was the age gap but I certainly didn’t behave like that when I was her age.

Ask yourself this (and I am doing the same every minute of everyday) – Do you want to be here again in another 9 years after going back. I could try and win my ex back but for what? More lies? More heartache? Why would they suddenly start respecting us after so many years? And if he really cared for you and wanted you back he wouldn’t be ‘dating’ 2 other girls…

This is all easy for me to write and even though I know it’s all true, acting on it is soooooo hard to do…
shelly

Through this whole mess I always held on to hope, now I can see everything more clearly (hindsight), I am okay with letting go! He continues to turn everything around so as to play the blame game, well he can play alone~not on my time, this has stressed me to the max, not once has he showed me any concern for my despair, more often he has been cold & distant, I deserve understanding! His kind once found out, are unable to show remorse for their wrongs~which I believe he is only sorry for getting found out, he says I need to show him affection or he is going back to his promiscuous behavior. I have to walk on this one~he has disagreed to counseling, he says he wants what he wants when he wants it and will do whatever to get what he wants/thats that! I have been believing that counseling will help, yet he refuses to change, I cannot go on any further with this! I thank GOD I can move on! He has been hurtful with abusive talk, and he has threatened to rape me if I do not give him what he wants! I have made all steps necessary to protect myself; as to get away from him~no more will the sick SOB manipulate me! He even went as far to say he will find himself another woman in church! THINK SO? Why I ever believed in such a horrible person/he was perfect at his game! SICKO
David

If I have to read another article about how loving oneself is the top priority or lesson in the entire universe I’m gonna scream…this new age-y belief has become so twisted everybody is out there ‘loving’ themselves WAY too much and forgetting what true love actually is…when you can love something / someone more than you love yourself, you’re headed in the right direction…a concept so hard to grasp and come to terms with in this earthly existence that its a constant struggle to accept but that’s the true answer. So the masses can continue to go on loving themselves to death, I frankly, have had enough of this crap. I would still give my life for my ex. Despite the cheating the lying and the betrayal. I left because it was ultimately unhealthy for me to stay but I would STILL put my life on the line for this person regardless. Do I still struggle with the anger and the hurt from the betrayal? Of course! Does a part of me want revenge? You bet!! But I fight and struggle against these feelings. When the anger slips away and I feel at peace, the love is always there. That is the constant. That is the truth. I didn’t need this person to be happy. This person’s particular soul and energy simply brought additional light and happiness to my existence. Does it feel dimmer without this person’s light? Hell yes. I have yet to experience the same level of connection with anyone else as I did with this particular person I loved so deeply. To acknowledge the fact that someone CAN bring a certain kind of happiness into your life DOES NOT mean you are lacking love towards yourself!!! Where did this way of thinking originate?? Smells like self help industry tactics to make millions. Convince everyone they’re just not loving themselves enough, that they deserve everything and the stars too, so when the going gets tough and the promises everyone makes when ‘in love’ should start kicking in for real, the ‘loving yourself’ concept kicks in and suddenly sacrificing anything for someone else seems wrong and the opposite of ‘loving yourself’…nobody is learning how to truly love someone else because they are too busy loving ‘themselves’ more than anybody else. Sad, simple truth.
Kelsey

@Pebbles – Please don’t get angry at the bluntness of my following statements. When I first came across this site, someone was brutally honest with me, and I needed to hear it. My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me 2 months ago when I was 4 months pregnant. I am still struggling every single day, but my main focus is the little girl growing inside my belly. I am now 6 months pregnant with the baby that we planned, and he hasn’t shown even the slightest interest. I still love the bastard, but I know he isn’t good for me or my baby. I know I deserve better, and that some day I will find a man who will love me as completely and unconditionally as I love them.

You said that it’s gonna be hard to find a man who isn’t a womanizer or an abuser, but is a gentleman. You said that you may just stay with your ex as opposed to seeing what is out there. Your ex sounds like the king of womanizers and abusers. The fact that he could carry on a relationship with another woman for 4 years while he was with you is proof that he is the epitomy of a womanizer. Do you honestly think you will ever be able to trust him? Do you honestly deep down in your soul think that this man truly loves you…the way you deserve to be loved? You deserve a man who is going to love you and only you. No one deserves to be in a relationship where they are cheated on. I say this from experience, it’s hard to acknowledge that something you want so bad just isn’t right. You know you deserve so much more. Don’t make excuses to stay in the relationship. There is a man out there who will love you more than anything in the world. You will be all he needs. He won’t ever need to or even think about cheating on you or being with someone else. Don’t settle…that amazing guy is out there somewere, you just have to be strong enough to walk away from the bad relationship to find the one that is amazing and is going to make you completely forget about all the bad that you once felt. There is a man who is going to make you wonder what you ever saw in your current ex. We just have to have the courage and strength to let go and move on.
shelly

@David – SO WHERE DO YOU COME FROM~~~~YOU CONTRADICT YOUR OWN SELF! MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ AND SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF OR GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! THIS SITE AND POSTS ARE FOR THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED OF COMPASSION AND INSIGHT! SHUT UP!!
Pebbles

I am so grateful for those have taken the time to read about my “situation” and has also taken the time out to respond. This site has certainly turned out to be a TOWER of STRENGTH for me. I have been reading and getting a lot of insight. I am not the least bit offended by the bluntness shared, keep it coming. I have been doing much better as I try to observe the NO CONTACT rule daily. Difficult as it may be I take it one day at a time. Some days are better than some(especially when I dont see or hear from him). He is still on cloud nine, doesnt seem to be having a care in this world, just really enjoying his life I guess. So I switch my focus to me now. Its all about being healed of this pain in my heart and learning to truly smile again. Again thanks to everybody that have contributed to my progress so far and I look forward to us continue being there for each other
Darlene

@shelly –

Hey Darling,

Why are you so angry with David? He is entitled to his opinion as we all are. Please do not take this as a criticism but, you are expending negative energy and it’s not healthy or what you need to be happy and complete.

Let it go, don’t allow others to have such an impact on your emotions. Look for the positive and if you can’t see it then walk away.
Johnners

Think a few people on here could do with downloading this song. There are 2 versions – 1 for the older generation (Don Henley – by far the best!) and 1 for the younger (India Arie) Take note of the bridge of the song… anger eats you up inside…..

The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today
That I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
and beg for something more?

I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again

I’ve been tryin’ to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about…forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

Ah…these times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah…the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things – we kill I guess…
Ohh pride and competition
cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
you know it doesn’t keep me warm

I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about…forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause’ life goes on
If you keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside, baby

I’ve been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me

I’ve been tryin’ to get down
to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don’t love me…
shelly

@Darlene – No negatives just my opinion/someone posted a negative comment about this site and posts, they need to move on~sorry it did hurt/my mistake of their intentions? MY OPINION!!
Sac

@David –

I really have to say I don’t agree with you. It’s a matter of opinion – but I’d have to say to move onto another relationship, I will have to learn to love myself again.

Throughout my 7 year relationship, I can see now I saw him as my no where near my equivalent in anything i.e intelligence, looks etc..

But now after being apart for 4 months, I’m learning that I will have to get my confidence and self esteem back and learn that I am an attractive, clever and good person. I loved him more than myself. Which has damaged me in the long run. But I’m better for this…
The next relationship I have I will respect myself more and love myself more than I ever did before!
Pebbles

Guys, I am beginning to feel better just by taking the time out to read about all the struggles we go through and the things to do in order to overcome. My ex(first ever I find myself refering to him like that) has been having his girls over to the office and driving them all over the place having a grand time. I just ignore and continue the NO CONTACT rule. Today he saw a gentleman come to my office and the next thing I know is that he is calling my extension asking about how soon will we be going to counciling because he doesnt want to stretch this thing out anymore and he needs to move on with his life. The only reason I am gonna go counciling is for me. I want to tell a professional my understanding of what happened and have them advise me how to move forward and prepare myself for a better relationship with someone else in the future.
I do understand that no one is Ms or Mr,Right. so I am aware that I wasnt perfect BUT I refuse to stay with someone who found it oh so easy to cheat on my time and again, when caught he was remorseful and very a[ologetic but within few months of being back together, he’s “Fooling around” and then within a month of breaking up with me, he sleeping with 2 girls!! Jesus!!! who should be content with that. NOBODY!!!.
I am so easily replaced. and I dont care what measure of counsiling, I have proven that it will only be a matter of time that he’s on to the next person. Its really ugly the picture that I am seeing now that I have decided to step back and look at all that was going on.
He’s still riding high on cloud nine and having the time of his life. I may never hear about any negatives, when he finally decide which of the two girls he’s gonna marry and as much as I would love for him to feel some of my pain and hurt and can just forget it and try to enjoy my life too in the real sense of the word.
It took at least 8yrs for us to finally talk seriously about marriage and yet within two months of breaking up with me he told me that he’ll be getting married within the same year WOW!!!
I know it will hurt real bad when he finally gets married if he really does it anytime soon BUT that too will stop hurting one day.
BECKY

well im like totally huh i ve been with my guys since 5 yrs ago we have a 11 months old child and since he was born everything seems to go down:( we used to be a perfect couple now were on again off again witch sucks but i cant deal with it i always end up taking him back or a calling him
Darlene

@shelly –
Wow, you are some kind of angry. Hope things improve for you.