He broke u because of what people where telling him about me. i think its very childish. and its been 5 days i did what you guys told me to do.

i feel sorta good i still love him but i learned from everyone in order to forget someone you just have to move on. he hasnt called me, and i havent called him but i know he thinks of me. i know one day he will come back and when that day comes im gonna make me feel the pain he put me in…i know everything is gonna be okay.

he broke up with me cuz of something stupid..and one day he is gonna realize that. im taking it day by day but im so blessed i have my family there for me again. im getting back to school and work..every girl or guy out there with the same problem as me…if the one you love isnt giving you what you need and left you over something soo stupid or over nothing at all you need to move on and realize you could do better every 60 sec you spend crying and hurting yourself for nothing is a min. you will never get back in life. move on with your life and just be blessed and remind yourself things could be alot wrose if you really thing about it.

Thank you guys soo much everything you guys said really helped me become a better person. with you all good Luck.

<3 xox

Originally Posted By nikki
“when that day comes im gonna make me feel the pain he put me in”

If that statement was supposed to read that you are going to be revengeful and make him feel the pain he put you througgh, then that is a terrible terrible thing to do. A breakup doesn’t justify you being vindictive and revengeful. How have you become better person if you are going to put someone through pain and suffering, purposefully??

In the end, if your comment posted was correct (I pray it’s a misunderstanding on my part) then I guarantee that the way you that phrase is exactly what will happen – You’re going to make yourself feel the pain.. Reap what you sow.

Then what do i do if he comes back wanting me?
Maybe your rite. Im a way better person then that. What do i do if he calls me or i run into him somewhere?
Im still heartbroking from everything but i belive im doing well. I belive that someday im gonna find the right guy. I just dont want to start dating a few months now and still havee him on my mind all the time.

<3

Let it go nikki.. you’re still concentrating on this guy.

I can’t help you, only God can. And since you said you are truly blessed, I would guess that the Holy Spirit is with you. And i’m certain the Holy Spirit within you isn’t telling you to get back at him and make him feel the pain and suffereing that you are feeling. That’s your flesh speaking.. the evil within. Don’t listen to those words and do not entertain that type of thinking. Think the thoughts of God, which are thoughts of forgiveness, thoughts of moving on, thoughts of being ok, thoughts of this being a learning event for you, thoughts that this is helping your life journey and your journey of growth, and so on. If you think bad thoughts, you feel bad. If you think worse thoughts, you feel even worse. If you let these thoughts snowball and continue, you start becoming evil minded, consumed with evil, and you start planning out evil attacks, just as you already stated.. Just stop this type of thinking and grow. You have been blessed with a learning event and you’re not leearning……..

ok, i have a small problem, well basically about 3 weeks my x broke up with me , kind of. basically the month before I was pretty much doing exactly the opposite of what this site promotes, self love, etc. I moved to a new country about 7 months ago, and all my friends left, my x left for about a month and a half to see family in another city, and i pretty much had a lot of free time and nobody in this new city. so basically i was being very annoying and jealous. it was more of me not being myself and kind of hating myself for putting myself in such a situation. so when i saw her again i felt i already lost her emotionally (we argued a lot of little things and i threatened to leave her a lot, stupid i know), and i asked her what she wanted, she said she honestly doesnt know and i told her to look for me when she does. so basically that was the “break up” i havent heard from her in for 2 weeks when i was fed up with my new place and decided to leave. and i told a common friend i was thinking of this. then i receive a message from her saying, “don´t leave!!!, please give me more time, i want to be with you i´m just confused and i don´t know what to do”. i have already started some of your ideas on the site and have actually kind of made plans for my life for once (i´m 27). i can do these things in this country and city but i can do the same in a couple other places as well and enjoy it just as much, so im planning on just leaving once my contract at the job here is over (2 months). but my question is, what if she calls soon and says she wants to be with me?

i dont know what to think really about this time she needs, does it really take that long to figure out if you want to be with someone? or when/ if she tries to come back is it just because her new plans and life aren´t what she was hoping for so im kind of like the fallback? i want to be with her but im really trying to just get over her, so i wont get hurt again if she does do this, and get my new life plans started, im doing a lot now to prepare it all, i just want to get past that first stage (acceptance) then go on with it. i dont want to be some safety net for someone even though i love her, i need to live my own life. any ideas or advise? thanks, and thanks for your site, a lot of great advise

If you love her, why are you questioning this? Go with your heart. Talk to her about these things that you wrote on this website and get a better feel for the relationship. If she’s using you as a fallback/safety net, then she has to live with those choices and doing that to your heart. If she’s that type of person, and it doesn’t work out because she was using you, then who cares, it ended because it should have ended. It’s her problem, not yours.. because you chose love. Don’t get sucked into what if scenarios. If you love her, go with that emotion. If you don’t, then you already know what you need to do.

Thanks for the advise,

well I finally talked to her after a bit of silence, and finally everything is clear on what she wants, im sure it was clear before but now its finally implanted in my head. of course it sucks it had to end but afterwards it was like some kind of “high”, now i know its over i can move on emotionally and im excited about it. ill follow your advise on the non-communication thing, but im sure in a few months once i have totally moved on ill become friends with her, but not before im ready, ill be careful about that.

so basically i want to thank you for this site, your words have really helped in this process and i think that knowing that i will love myself more than before and that i have new tools for my future (learned from this experience) is what makes me so excited. so thanks Eddie

Hi everyone. I just broke up with my first serious girlfriend (5.5yr relationship – I am 23 now). It was a great time together but she was very dependant on me and a bit part of my enjoyment was how she made me feel secure with how much she loved me (rather than great love) on my part. I did it because I began to yearn my independance very strongly, felt less strongly about being in a relationship, and the sparks were certainly not flying anymore. It took me over a year or longer to get to the point of breaking up and I began to hate her towards the end of it for making me feel so weak not to be able to do it..

So a week ago I did break up. But now the pain of not having her is almost unbearable. The concept of her with someone else and not me is just eating me alive for so much of the day. Even though for all the reasons I mentioned I think I made the right decision and need to experience time on my own, I still feel like I have made a huge mistake when I get overwhelmed by these feelings. As I said imagining her with another guy just kills me inside – I feel like I will never be able to handle it. I am doing my best to move forward – deleting all contact / Facebook etc. but I feel this pain (jealously etc.) is just holding me back.

Any advice how to deal with this rationally?

@ Eddie

Thank you so much for posting this article.
I am on the other end of the stick, I separated from someone who meant a great deal to me but because I did not love myself, I ended up hurting him instead. I would give anything to have him back in my life but sometimes…life just does not work that way. Out of everything, I have learned a lot. And this article proves exactly right. With Self love & the passion to help others around you, you truly can find happiness again. It may not replace their side next to you in bed but it is a very large, positive step to getting your life back on track. I believe things happen for a reason and that everything is a learning experience. What may seem like the end of the world, sometimes truly isn’t. So I thank you for doing your part & helping others. I wish you the best happiness that there is.

And thank you

hi,
I have been in a relationship for 3 years (4 months since the breakup). It was my first relationship. There were the good times & there were the fights. We both were totally dedicated to each other. But I made many mistakes all through the relationship, so more than anything I feel very guilty about the whole thing, all the mistakes I have committed (being jealous about her professional success, being overly possessive, being conscious in front of friends & many others). I have done countless sweet things & she knows it too.
I don’t want to get her back. She is with a better guy right now, & I am truly happy for her. We don’t call each other much, maybe once a month.
What I want to know is how can I be with peace with what I have done, Every time I think of her, the guilt just clouds over me & there is nothing I can do about it. I feel very irritated with myself.
Also, I don’t want to go into another relationship for a long time. I want to be sure my next relationship will be much stronger.

But till I am not able to get over the guilt.
Please help

To put things in a lil more perspective, I come from a Indian conservative family. My GF was from a different background. My parents were totally against her, I was having fights with them for last 6 months that she is the one. I never cheated on her while we were in the relationship. Same thing holds true for her. But at the end of it I feel let down that here I was battling all odds just so that I could lead a life with her. And she left me, for mistakes I committed & for which I truly feel sorry.
It’s a very mixed set of emotions, on one hand feeling really guilty & on the other being let down.

Good guide, it really changed the way I look at myself.

The only thing that bothers me is I feel that my “Life Purpose” is to find someone who I love more than anything in the world, and who feels the same about me.

Yeah, my girlfriend left me, the reasons for that are understandable. But there was a real lack of communication between us at first, and I feel different as a result of realizing all of the negative traits about the two of us.

I want to try set things right, but she’s told me that she doesn’t love me anymore and that it’s finished.

That should be enough of a hint for me to feel that I should move on, and look for someone else. But I really think that we could have had a real happy future together. I’m not sure if I should try mend things or give up entirely..

–

This all happened yesterday, so.. Maybe i’m thining too far ahead too soon.

I have to say that this guide is great…now. I’m not sure how I would’ve responded to it a few years ago when I went through my break up.

My pain was as real as someone cutting me with a dull knife in the chest – a knife that kept cutting me every minute, of every hour for days, weeks and years. No amount of words could have bandaged that. Out of that wound, every smile, every bit of laughter, every ounce of happiness bled right out of me. The word happy was erased from my life.

It felt like someone I loved with every fiber of my being had died. You know that overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loss that you feel when you attend a loved one’s funeral, the moment when you realize that nothing you do can every bring them back? That inconsolable feeling and knife wound pretty much sums up how I felt for four years after my break up.

Eventually, I did peel myself off of the floor and realized that indeed, he was not responsible for my happiness. I also realized that 1) life is going to go on, whether or not I liked it and 2) if I must live this life, then let me at least try to make the best of what’s left.

Perhaps, if I would have known a wise distant relative, who could have sat me down and said that to my face, I may have healed sooner. But the fact of the matter is that no one did.

I healed myself and as a result, I am in incredibly strong person. I’m not just saying that because I think so. My own mother confirmed it. She said to me in a most opportune and honest moment, “You are so strong.” Was hearing that worth it? Who knows. I’m still waiting to see what the whole point of this experience was for me. I am a firm believer that everything that happens to you is for a reason. So far, I’ve found reasons for every other thing that has happened in my life, except for this one.

Still waiting to hear…

Me

What a tough time you had. Four years, that’s so so long. Glad to hear you managed to get through this and get stronger. I went through the same agonizing feelings, it’s been half a year now, and there are days when it hurts as bad as it did then.
I read dozens of books and websites following my breakup – many tell you how to get your ex back, many tell you how to get over him\her. Many say that every breakup happens for a reason, but very few help you to uncover those reasons, and help you through the learning process.
There’s one book that help me tremendously, please find and read it if you can – “Coming apart” by Daphne Rose Kinma. It’s on Amazon and everywhere. It’s an amazing book. Daphne explains that MOST relationship have to end, unfortunately. They start for a certain reason – because both people have a common “life task” or “need” to fulfill. But once this need is fullfilled for both of the partners (or for one of them), the relationship is exhausting itself. This book helps you understand why your relationship started, and why it ended. This gives you a big insight into the “reasons” – and helps you understand things better – about yourself, about your ex, about what you needed then, and about what you need now.
Hope it helps. God bless you.

@Eddie Corbano –
Very good comment about HOW, and now WHY. Thank you, that actually makes me think differently about my situation, too.
With regard to “Coming apart” book – I didn’t find it pessimistic at all, it actually shows you how each relationship is enriching you with something really valuable, something that empowers you to develop, get stronger and live a full life. Any relationship is a gift, and we should see it as such.

My girlfriend and I were separated as I had to go overseas to study. We made promises and pledges that we’ll keep this going.
However, I said some really nasty things that hurt her very deep and she suggested a break-up. She said that she has always care a lot for me but this time, she wanted to care for herself and love herself more.
Now she just wants to be friend. At least that’s what she says. She said that she still loves me, but just didn’t want to get hurt again.
I deeply regret what I’ve done and I want to undo everything. I want to ensure her that I will never hurt her again but when I tried saying that to her on the phone, she said that she can’t believe me anymore, as I have previously hurt her before.
I really love this girl, and I appreciate having her. I would not want this relationship to end this way. Is there anything I can do to patch up and keep this relationship going?

@tz – Similar thing happened to me. If you scroll up you’ll probably see my post from a week ago.

We’re back together now, and i’ve changed. Really, it shouldn’t take a break-up for one or both people to realize things that are otherwise right infront of you.

If you want to try fix things with her then you have to know her as a person. I tried and tried for days to fix things, where she just told me that it was over and she didn’t love me anymore.

we got together again for not even a day, then she told me she met someone else, so.. I tried to fix things for a few days more, and then just figured. “This is a waste, if you like this other guy so much, then go for him, but i’m not going to be around.” And with that thought, I told her i’d be going away and that we wouldn’t be seeing eachother again.

We got back together not too long after that.

–
My advice is.. keep reminding her of how you feel, that you want to change and fix things, and that you feel things didn’t have to end the way they did. Try convince her to think about it, and give her a little time. If she doesn’t change her mind, well, you can’t say that you didn’t try.. Then just tell her you’re moving on and you’re cutting off all contact.

Good luck with it, and try hold back with the nasty crap. I think I had the same problem. =\

@Anna – (I thought I replied to this, but I guess not.)

Thank you, Anna, for your kind words. I admire your resolve to seek help and answers for your break up. That takes strength, courage and faith. : )

If that book is as you say it is, I will definitely look into it. It would me interesting to see what it has to say about the purpose of painful breakups. Although, I do kind of side with Eddie. I’m not really interested in looking back and being negative. I am over it. The guy has come back a few times, but I am so turned off by him that I think that I developed a conditioned response. Like Pavlov’s dogs, who hear a bell and think of meat, I see him and think of pain. But based on what you say, it does seem to be what I am looking for.

Best of luck to you!

Me

@Eddie Corbano – Thank you Eddie for taking the time to respond with your very wise advice and for providing a forum for this type of dialogue. I have to say that I was compelled to write on your blog because I recognized true pain in your advice. I made similar discoveries in my break up healing process. It’s comforting to know that someone has been through the same thing.

I do understand what you’re saying about lessons. I did learn. I grew exponentially as a result of that relationship. I reflected and changed a lot throughout those years and beyond. My only gripe is why did I have to learn so much? Why did the lesson have to be so hard? (I don’t expect you to answer those questions. These are just things that I ask myself. ) That said, I am aware that in life we never stop learning and that the cup of suffering is not the same size for everyone (I think Paolo Coelho said that). So perhaps if I was a happier person I would not have felt the pain so deeply. But then again, that intensity is what made me fall in love so deeply, so would it have been better if I felt things less? (Again, you don’t have to answer that.)

In exchange for the strength that I got, I gave up innocence and naivety. Every day I see older people with much more innocence and naivety than me. I can’t help but wonder when I look at them, why do you get to keep some of your innocence and naivety and not me?

I just feel like I need to justify why I lost all that innocence and naivety. I fear that if I don’t make sense of it, I many never fall in love again.

Thank you,
Me

Heres my story, I gazed across a bar and found my true love 6 years ago, we dated, she was very young (15) at the time, one day, we split & moved on. 6 years later, a chance meeting & the fact she was 1 month out of her relationship allowed us to rekindle our love for each other. We moved in together with her 3 year old child from her previous relationship. We had our arguments in this time, some arguments led herto move back to her house for a few days, but we would always be love-sick after 3 days and be back together. However, the final few months of the relationship took a turn for the worse & a sequence of catastrophic bad-luck and behaviour led to the following, after another argument, she scratched my car with a sharp instrument across 4 panels causing 100s £ in damage. This resulted in me getting drunk & driving my car, I got stopped by the police and banned from driving. She had also suffered 2 miscarriages during the 18 month relationship, my best friend has lost his mind through Liver/meningitis, so I was quite depressed & I was failing to show love towards the end.
Then One day, waiting for the bus to the supermarket (licence revoked remember), we had a petty argument over a pack of cigarettes, she shouted obscenities at me in front of other passengers so I walked home. This was another catalyst for another 2/3 day split before we eventually get back together again (take for granted).

But No….The day after, she was in a bar with her mother and a man was boasting to his friends at the bar he his going to find the love of his life tonight………and the rest was history.

5 weeks on, and after trying to woo her back, the grass is clearly greener on the other side and I am devastated. I finally erased her number tonight after finally accepting there is no way back.

Thank you for your help! I am apparently going through a break-up, though we seem to be in a sort of limbo state. Perhaps it’s just me holding on to what’s no longer there. We´ve been dating for almost 4 years, living together for almost 3. We had a discussion Saturday re: household responsibilities that ended in him leaving (actually, it wasn´t even a discussion since I was the only one to talk, he just left). Though he didn´t take everything with him. He came over to talk yesterday, things seemed to move towards a reconciliation. But then he left for the afternoon saying he’d see me later, but never returned. Again, he left all his things here. Of course the logical explanation is that it’s over. My heart, on the other hand…I can´t decide if I want to try one more time, or if I just want him to get his things so I can really start the break up process. I feel like I can´t even mourn properly in this limbo state. It has helped tremedously to read other peoples’ comments and know I am not alone (at this very lonely time). Thank you!

Hello,
We broke up mutually 2 months ago after 2 years. We applied the ‘no contact’ rule. 2 months after the breakup, something happened which forced us to contact each other. I thought seriously about it and decided this would just be a once off friendly favour ie. I needed a place to stay for one night. I knew it wasant the best idea but i thought that it would be ok since we hadn’t contacted each other in over a month and we are both mature. So since that night/day, we have fell back into the relationship. It just happened like that but nothing has really changed. The same issues are still there although because we had time to think over the 2 months convinced that it was over, I am more aware of my own faults in the relationship at least as i had that step back but I am yet again not happy in it. I found myself gaining more confidence at the end of the 2 months, then this happened and I am feeling bad about myself like i did during the 2 year relationship. It is better than before but it’s still not great. I am not sure what to do as it seems we are made for each other and the 2 month break up was unbelievably difficult for both of us. I know that for sure.

Hey, Well, my long distant boyfriend of two years broke up with me two months ago. At first i was devestated, crying all the time , one minute coping, the next feeling the worse feelings ever.Now im copign although i think of him each and every day, it still hurts but i know i havent let go of him yet, i cant let go of him as i think hes gonna come back to me …this is soo wrong, i know it is, but i realli cannot help this. i dont wanna meant him back and keep trying to persuade myself otherwise when this feeling comes into my head…He ended me by a text and then ignored me ever since with my constant txting and phoning, he ignored me. it was when i rang his mum twice that she made him ring me. He explained he didnt love me anymore and that his heart wasnt “in it”..yet he told me he loved me on the friday, dumped me on the sunday. It was so cruel as it didnt seem real as it was so sudden. By the way, all this was a week before i was meant to go upto were he lives for a week, after 2 months of planning and being so excited. How do i get to the stage of, hes gone and i dont want him anymore?? or am i expecting it to be over too soon only after two months, everybody keeps tellin me i should be well over him now. should i?? am i meant to be feeling this?? Please help???

@Chelsea Kelly – firstly how old are you two, and define “long distant”

if you have msn feel free to add me if you want to talk – felidire@gmail.com

I know this feeling is hard to control, but if you keep thinking he’s going to come back, you won’t get through this. I was in a long distance relationship and after we broke up I thought – ok this is the weekend when he’s coming back. He’s going to ask me back. When the weekend was over I felt worse than ever.

When long distance relationships end it is very hard because you don’t know what might have been going on and what led him/her to break up with you. And breaking up over the phone or in a text is just wrong and shows a lot about a persons character.

I went through the merry-go-round of emotions, extreme sadness, anger, hoping he’d come back… it is important to break the cycle. After you’ve been grieving for a while, it’s time to get back out there and get into the game. Go out with your girlfriends, get dressed up, have fun, feel good about yourself, flirt a little… but this is easier said than done.

Originally Posted By Chelsea Kelly How do i get to the stage of, hes gone and i dont want him anymore?? or am i expecting it to be over too soon only after two months, everybody keeps tellin me i should be well over him now. should i?? am i meant to be feeling this?? Please help???

Hi, it must be so shocking for you – being broken up with by means of a text… Some people can be such cowards when it comes to ending a relationship.
You can’t be truly “over it” after 2 months. It should feel a bit easier, but it will take so much more time to truly heal your soul, if you loved this person dearly. I’ve been in a 4.5 years long distance relationship, it ended 6 months ago. 4 months ago (like in your situation) I was still a wreck, but at least I could sleep and eat. I still feel sad now and think of him all the time, but I’m no longer desperate, I feel stronger, so I think I’m healing, slowly but surely. This will happen to you, too. It will, you just need to live and enjoy small things around. It helps.
God bless you.

@Chelsea Kelly – Hi Chelsea, it’s normal your not over it yet. This was not nice on his part the way he broke up. Give yourself time to heal and don’t feel bad about not being over it yet. Everybody is different. You have to focus on yourself now and what makes you happy. Try to think of the positive sides of the relationship but know that it is over. Also you might notice you may have acted in an abnormal way because of emotions and learn from this for your next relationship. I know it’s really hard but it will pass with time and you don’t have to rush that. It’s all about you now and making yourself feel good.

don’t worry darling. Only an immature guy would text you and tell you it’s over. If you think about that, wouldn’t you think that he’s not worth it? why cry over about a guy like him? he was even too scared to see you in person and tell you. my high school ex boyfriend once chatted with me online and said it was over. I literally cried almost every other day. But whatever hurted me, made me even stronger, and i learned to move on. When he saw that i was moving forward, he knew how sorry he was. He thought watever he did was okaii, but it made him weaker. so don’t you worry darling. Move on forward not backwards!

hey, It’s me again, Just want to say a big thank you to everybody who replied, it means alot to me it really does. right now i feel i have nobody to talk to this about as my only true friend who i trust my life with is busy having her own problems so it means a hell of alot that you people have took the time to reply. thank you so much. Im still thinking of him..what if’s, waiting for him to text…Im acting like an idiot.It get’s easier everyday but i want to be out of this thinking about him stage. My Life still revolves around him.I’l try to remember all the usful information you have given me, thank you all very much xxxxx

I’m going through a very weird and very painful break-up right now. We’ve been together for 7 years now. Living together, with my 2 kids. We broke up last week. We agreed that our friendship is worth saving. My ex still lives in the same house, different room. My ex seems to be very strong about it. I’m a wreck.

Thank you Eddie. Its just because i got so built up and excited about seeing him again for two months and then the week before he dumped me. He was my first love and i loved him with all my heart and didnt think i could feel something so strong. it was so sudden and im still unsure about why he did it, it keeps playing over in my mind. he said things changed…but how can they change over two days? he told me he loved me and that there isnt anybody like me on the friday…ended me suddenly sunday night?…It hasnt sunk in. He wasnt the most honest person and kept alot of secrets, from his family, from his friends, and i found out from his friend ages ago he cheated on me at christmas time and atfirst he wouldnt admit it so it makes me wonder if there is something he has been hiding from me, i cant stop thinking about it, trying to come up with some sort of conclusion. It hurts , im like a woman obsessed!! he proberbly lied his way through our relationship , i am ages away from him. i feel a fool. Good memories keep kicking me in the stomache when i try to forget him. Im an idiot.

@ Chelsea

no u are not an idiot, uv found out this guy u loved cheated on u, is that knowing that someone that realistically will ever make u feel loved and secure in a s relationship with him…

i understand u feel upset still rite now but at the same time realistically the chances of u never meeting anyone again is very slim coz of course u will…

im 28 and split wiv my gf 6 months ago and hav tried every thing possible to try win her back, im self employed and left my business for a month and pretened to her i was leaving forever to go live in canada which i did actually go but for vacation but she thought i was gone 4ever.

i wanted her to want me and although the day i left she said gudluck and all that and no sign of dont go or anything, after a week she txt me saying how she still loves me and was i ok, i never responded to her then came the ‘i want to kill myself msg’ which i responded ‘go ahead and do it dont blackmail me’ then she apologized and i continued to ignore her…

the more i ignored her the more she wanted me, we ended up txting each other alot while i was still over there and sorted alot of issue out that happened in our relationship of 4 yrs…

i made a few mistakes in our relationship because my girlfriend before sophie ended up running off wiv my dad which i never healed from and i entered into a realtionship wiv sophie and with in 2 months of us gettin together i found myself tryin to meet other girls on internet and emailed correspondence with these girls about meeting up and sounds like an excuse but it was jus the frill of the chase and 100% can say i never intended to meet them, however sophie cld read me like a book and had reason to check my emails and found the emails i sent and had received but she stuck by me for 3 yrs after that but how do explain i was never guna meet them wen she had read differently – its impossible and that is wat destryed us from the start.

then she got pregnant one time and i felt it wld ruin us so i persuaded her to hav abortion and since we have split 6 months ago all the mistakes i made in our relationship stil haunt me in perticulary the abortion as i made the biggest mistake of my life by that decision but one thing i realise now is though making my mistake in our relationship it has changed me 4ever and made me into a so much better person.

heres the twist, i came back from canada 4 weeks ago and im so close to her family still i found out she had a rebound bf that she had been seeing for 4 months met him 6 wks after we split up. when i found out i felt relieved for sum reason, maybe because i new i cld move on and it was finally ova and out of my hands…

however with that said we are really good friends now to the point where she has been working wiv me plastering for last 2 weeks and we get on better now and hav more respect for eachother than wat we did in our relationship. she has emotional problems and so do i and we help eachother out and i feel like i am finally getting the answers i never got for the break up as all i got was ‘im confused’ that was it so last 6 months hav been hell for me.

it does help us being friends for now and people may say we havent let go off eachother and we havent i agree, but at same time im a gut who like to beat all odds and in my heart i no i have had to let her go to the point where she has to experience life and other blokes as i was with her from wen she was 16 – 20 and was first proper bf and i am a few years older so have lived a little more but she has a rebound bf which im ok wiv although he has cheated on her twice but stil sticks wiv him however today she crys in my van at mcdonalds after an argument wiv her mum saying she still loves me and cant let go but yet we both no now isnt our time and maybe it will never be and even though she dumped me its like the rolls have reveresed, if she asked me back out 2moro i wld reject her offer as i cant go bk down that road again and if we end up not being friends then watever…

but for now im rolling wiv it because i have a duty to be there for her as i have mixed her up and confused her and i have to help her find her happiness again as she is like a lost soul and i am one of the only people that care about her and if i abandon her that wldnt be good, i have made alot of mistake however neva cheated on her…

if you truly love someone you have to let them go, you have to sacrifice ur happyness sometimes so they can be happy as that to me is true love otherwise its not true love coz u want the person u love to be happy rite.

no one can tell u wat the future holds and iv no doubt in my mind that couple have solit before for a while and reconciled weeks months or even years later and have lived happily ever after kinda things and in most situations my opinion if you have to go with ur heart and if it feels rite do it.rite

now it feels rite to be friends wiv sophie and if next week something happens thats upsets me then i deal wiv it then but i never ever thought we wld be friends, i never ever thought i wld cope if she got another bf but i have, to the point she come to me for advice.

yes i still love her and i accept i always wil love her til the day i die and if i never find anyone as good as her again then im happy because iv had the chance to be wiv the most wonderful girl i no and she deserve all the happyness in the world.

at some point we will both move on no doubt and live seperate lives and iv told sophie few weeks ago we will be together again one day be it 2 yrs or 50 yrs as i no she is my one true love and id wait an eternity for her.

if i ever feel something different then i will no she wasnt meant to be at the same time shld i meet someone else then i wld have learnt alot from my relationship wiv sophie and never make the same mistakes again.

life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, jus let it happen, let life happen like its meant to – if ur prepared to love be prepared to get hurt, and i dnt mean every relationship will fail i mean emotional pain be it death or watever…

who ever said love was easy and has a fairy tale ending. wat dont kill u makes u stronger and if there wasnt a beggining there wldnt be an end! i wldnt say im completly happy iv my life and yes i want to be loved, i want my own family and i want stability in my life who doesnt, i miss sharing my life wiv someone, i miss stroking my girls head til she falls asleep which i did every single nite we lived together, i miss cuddling up to her in bed i miss everything and she told me just today she misses living wiv me and loads of other stuff and i sense she mite be feelin she has made a big mistake as she knows im ready to move on as much as i can rite now as i dnt want her back rite now which come down to the rejection thing she knows she cant have me back which makes her want me even more except now im not doing it to get her back im doing it because i love her and we cant be together rite.

now until we are bothe fixed but i screwed up and i accept responsibility for my actions and wld never make the same mistake again…

i still confuse myself at times and let my emotions take ova and dream about the day we ‘mite ‘ get back 2gether and at same time i understand its slowing the healing process but neither of us feel like we can leave eachother totally rite now and if one does then the other will cope in the end.

wrong way maybe of going about this situation and iv managed to make a full length book outa this which was only meant to be a few shorts words if anyone wants to contact me my email/msn is cantplaywithfire42@hotmail.com would be good to hear people opinions – and remember u can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink – i.e if something isnt working dnt pursue it if it doesnt make u happy – and always go with ur heart not ur head xx

Thanks Paul. right now im stuck in the “its not over stage” even though i know it is and tell myself it is…it doesnt feel it. I dont wanna contact him yet , maybe in a year or two as i know il just be trying to get him back and playing games with him to try and win him back, i dont want that. But i cant get him out of my head. Atall. I wanan hit the “over” stage. I miss him, i miss the lifestyle and the happiness and excitment he added to my life. i miss out memories and i miss the way i could be completely myself around him and he loved me for it. Now, im stuck in a rut, as the last time i saw him we were perfect (due to long distance) and the fact it was done by a text and so sudden…I cant get over it because i truly believe hes coming back. so…im stuck in a horrible stage. I dont cry anymore. i havent cried in about a month over him, hes just still there. we havent talked for two months but as i think about him all the time, it still feels hes there.Also, last time we talked he promised me we’d be friends..so obviously he’s given me something to hang onto. Meh…If somebody could help me put him behind me.completely..that’d be great…but i doubt it.

@Chelsea Kelly –

Hi chelsea i totally totally understand exactly where your coming from, its like you refuse to believe its over, one day ul run back into eachothers arms ect…one thing i have realised is that no body can help ease the pain and you jump onto every word when somebody says its all gonna be ok and it feels ur heart with warmth and happyness instantly wen u do hear the words ‘ ul probly end up sorting it all out and everythin will be ok, u just need time apart ‘ aaarrrrrr the amount of time iv heard that. What i cant understand is why it is so painful, i mean its not as if someones died, so why do we feel like this.sometimes i feel so alone. so i no exactly how you feel. people say its not good being friends wiv an ex and i agree although i am friends wiv mine i can totally see why its not a gud idea and il keep you posted on why soon?

listen chelsea you are never alone and if you ever want to talk then just email me or add me to msn cantplaywithfire42@hotmail.com one thing i have noticed for me anyway in times of despair there always seems to be someone that pops into my life just at the right moment to help me until im ok then as quick as they come into my life they are gone..i like to call them my guardian angels in disguise, its always a comforting thought but if you want to chat contact me..maybe we can help eachother make sense of this crazyness called love.

@Eddie Corbano –

oh and thanks eddie – always one to tell a good story, sometimes just wish they wernt about the trouble in my life. i hope i find my peace too – got a feeling its gunna take a long while though..all i want to do is settle down now, she spent 4 years trying to convince me to settle down and just wen i started likeing the idea bang she goes finishes it. it does restore human kindness to no there are people out there like urself who are willing to giv up there time to help others..i have alot of respect for you.good job.

Yeah break-ups suck..

I am in the anger stage big-time right now, and hope to escape soon! Me and the ex were together for 6 years, and it ended a few months back. We were going to try to be friends…. bad idea.

Today she told me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, as it isn’t fair to her new bf… a guy that I found in my house when we were still together. Isn’t fair to him? Wow…. that seems completely reversed from where it should be… what a psycho….

I guess I’ll see where this takes me…

Reading all this really helps but why is it I still feel so bad?!!
I broke up with my bf 6 months ago after 8 years together and 4 months before we were due to get married. The reasons…. not sure. It just didnt feel right to get married. I had met someone else and although nothing had happened, I felt attracted to him enough to feel curious about what could happen. Obviously enough to break up with my bf. My bf was devastated… but is now starting to look up having had counselling. He looks and feels great and is clear with what he wants out of life and recognises that their were many flaws in our relationship. However I seem to be getting worse. Im now seeing this other bloke up is LOVELY. So keen and so patient. And I really like him. But I cant seem to forget my ‘other’ life and what could have been. My ex was a lovely man – and we did have a great realationship although in retrospect there were things we could have done better like talk more and spend more quality time together. We had lost the spark. I saw my ex last night and its just put me back so much. I wonder if we should give it another go (not that I think he would) or should I tell him how I feel, or am i just remembering the good times…. mean while my current bf is phoning to see that Im ok, bless him. Im in bed, tears flowing, and I dont know what to do…. someone please help!

HI GDT

I can totally understand how you must be feeling rite now but however you must ask yourself one question. Is the only reason you want him back because you have now seen him rebuild himself from a wreck into a more confident guy that now has direction and has moved on?

where as iv no doubt in my mind after u broke up wiv him he probably begged and pleaded u to take him back he maybe cried loads which maybe pushed u further away coz lets be honest a needy man isnt as attractive to a women as much as a confident guy who knows what he wants and has direction in life, and because the issues which lead to breakup in ur relationship i.e – u not feeling appreciated and feeling mis-understood which is a major reason why women look elsewhere for this wen they are not feeling appreciated by there partner.

where as the man in a realtionships need to feel respected admired and wanted and women somehow convey wen relationships go bad that she is unsatisfied wiv who he is and wat he has to offer!

if i new then wat i now now i cld have saved mine and infact am stil in process of trying to save it wiv some useful tips i have picked up, after all lets be honest it is all totally one big game!! not that i want it to be but it is..

Wat seems to have happened is normal in every day life ‘HUMANS ALWAYS WANT WHAT WE CANT HAVE’ its fun wen ur playing the game but not fun wen ur getting played!! my point is that u didnt want him/sort things out back then when he was hurt so wat makes u want him back now he has mended..the answer is the fact that ur not sure if he will come back and that is the attraction…you want wat u cant have!!

ur not to blame for ending it, u did wat every single women does wen they stop feeling appreciated..they seek solitude in someone else..uv been away and realised the grass isnt greener, time to go back and maybe re-unite – there are rules to follow wen tryin to re-connect wiv an ex as there will be negative memorys linked between u both still and he must be approached wiv caution and clever use of words and phycology that dnt make him run in order to win his heart back..

contact me thru my email and il give ya some tips iv learnt x

sorry for yet another essay eddie cant help it..i must be killing ur megabytes!

Well, I´m back. This time I´m actually officially single. And, while I know this goes against most of the posts on this page, I feel relieved. Not that the relationship is over. I fought that to the very end. But rather that the break up is over (or just beginning, depending on how you look at it). It was nearly a 3 week ordeal. First he left, then we were in limbo for two weeks sort of back together sort of not (he wanted to go back to how it was before we lived together, aka 2005), then last Friday he actually said the words “it´s over”. But he left his stuff here. All week, despite telling me he would be back the next day to move out. A full week of “are we done?” “is he reconsidering” on top of the previous 2 week limbo phase exhausted me. I hope I can now, finally, start to work towards feeling better.

What happens if you are friends or colleagues? How do you practise the no-contact rule?

@Eddie Corbano –
Thanks for this article. I just lost my love of 5 years a month ago, I still love him, I was crushed, this article made me realize stuff, it’s deep and insightful, and true, thanks! Cat

@Eddie Corbano –

You are absolutely right, Eddie! Unfortunately, I think I had to live through it to really know it. Well, lesson learned! And thank you for mentioning the newsletter, such useful information couldn´t come at a better time.

There is a Mexican saying I’d heard in the past but never really understood until now. I think it might help others as well:
Mejor solo que mal acompañado.
Better off alone than in bad company.

Keep you head held high, Everyone. We can and will get through this!

Hey guys. I need some advice or someone to talk to at least.

My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago and I am completely lost. It basically happened out of no where. We weren’t really having any problems in our relationship so his breaking things off totally caught me off guard. His reason was that he “needed time.”

I didn’t talk to him anymore until tonight when I found out that he was dating this girl he works with. I was so upset because I asked him in the past if he liked this girl and when he broke up with me, I asked if the reason was because he liked someone else, and he said NO. So he lied to my face.

I called him and finally he answered and agreed to meet me to talk. I talked mostly, and he listened. I yelled, cried, gave him the whole nine yards basically. And all he said was that he has moved on and I need to do the same. Also that the time just isn’t right for “us.” Then he had the nerve to say maybe one day we’ll get back together, but not right now.

I am so angry. It kills me to know that he is ALREADY dating another girl. I just feel sooo jealous. I try not to but I can’t help but think of them two together and wonder what about her is so much better than me. He did, after all, leave me to pursue her.

I don’t understand why he isn’t hurting as much as I am. Doesn’t he miss me? Why doesn’t he care? He was the one I always used to go to whenever I was hurting in the past and he always comforted me.

It’s just so bizarre to know that I am hurting now so badly and I can’t go to him for help because he is the one hurting me. I miss him so much and I would give anything to be with him again. But at the same time, I realize I need to move on. I don’t know how.

I have days whenever I am feeling happy but then I spiral downwards unexpectedly and I become lost again. I was doing somewhat okay until I found out about his new g/f now I am back where I started.

I wanted to marry my ex so badly, I love him with all of my heart, even now after he hurt me so badly. I am very close to his family vice versa. I just can’t let go. How is it so easy for him to? What should I do?

Someone please help me.

@Allyson – Hi Allyson,

I know what you’re going through. About a year ago my girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up. Because we were in a very small city doing a Master’s degree I sort of reluctantly agreed to continue being friends. She used me for her own emotional support for 6 months, having fits of jealously everytime a girl talked to me. I obviously thought this meant we would get back together.

Then one day she got interested in someone else and couldn’t care less about me. She insulted me and acted disgusted when I told her about my feelings.

I thought I was going to die. I woke up everyday thinking about the two of them together, couldn’t eat, was alone locked in a room for basically two months. When I returned home after concluding the Master’s (that I managed to finish it will always remain one of the towering achievements of my life) and sought the company of friends and family. Slowly I started to feel normal again, even though I would have nightmares about her. But with time, it all passed. Some time ago I ran into her and her boyfriend in the street – that had been one of my big fears for months. And besides the initial discomfort I felt no real pain. It was over.

I can now go to parties when they are around and still feel like myself. I was not the one who was heartless, she will have to deal with what she did eventually, but that’s her problem.

I am happy with my life now, and you will be too. The problem you have is the one I had, we made the other person the center of our lives. And we they left (in such a cold way) we just died on the inside.

But you will survive, just like I did. It is normal to feel the pain, but with time it will go away. You don’t have to set deadlines to be “ok”, just make the effort to live one day at a time. Seek your friends, spend time with them. Travel (it does wonders). Re-connect with people you may have lost touch with. Resolve issues with family that may have piled up.

I tried to do all of this. Now I am stronger. And it may be a coincidence that I see your comment in Eddie’s page (which helped me immensely in the past) just as, this past Friday, I met someone new and exciting. You will find love again, even if that is the last thing you want to think about, or if you can only imagine yourself with your ex.

Give yourself time and realize that you are a beautiful person who deserves to be happy.

It will get better. And then, it will get great.

Hope this finds you well,

B.

Hey Paulyboy – thanks for the advice. Its good to hear someone elses take on things. This whole relationship ‘game’ is just soooo hard! I feel better today. Ive picked myself up and am back to living my new life. I think staying away from the ex is not such a bad idea. In the 6 months we have been apart, Ive hardly considered getting back with him – its only when I see him. I MUST try to remember the feelings I had when I wanted to end it and the reasons why. But over time you forget the bad things and remember the good…
Allyson – I just want to say one thing to you. The man youve been with for 5 years – did you ever think that he could hurt you this much? And if not, and now that he has, do you really want to be with someone like that? He doesnt sound worthy of someone so dedicated and willing to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him. Maybe I sound too harsh. After all, Ive probably done the same thing to my ex.

@Allyson – @Allyson –
Hi Allyson, this is crazy, you and I, we are in the same situation. My bf of 5 years and I, got along perfectly, for all these years. We were a great couple. Or so I thought! The past year, he was a bit more distant, but I never noticed. I only saw something in the past 2 months. As he was going out all the time (he never did before), bought a cell phone (he never had one) and changed his wardrobe. He flirted with a girl at work, and said it made him feel funny inside. He wanted a break, I didn’t agree, but gave him 2 weeks. He said he needed time…..cliche, wow. In these 2 weeks, he promised to be faithful and stay alone, he didn’t. He kissed a woman and he was going out on dates.
I was lost, he basically turned into a guy I didn’t know, like Jekyl and Hyde.
After 2 weeks, I decided to leave him (we lived together for 5 years) I took all my belongings. He called me at work to try to convince me to stay, but he never went out of his way.
Now, it’s been a month, officially, he’s dating a woman he likes, says that she brings out some things that I couldn’t. She drags him to go out, she drives him and motivates him, which he says I didn’t. It hurts, but at the same time, maybe he was right. Maybe we didn’t belong together. With time, I start to see it too. I love him, always will, I would have never left him, I was faithful for 5 years. You know Allyson, it doesn’t change a thing, because the men we chose, DON’T want to be with us. That’s what you have to focus on to move on. Let him go. You dont’ want to be with a man, who doesnt want you. You did nothing wrong. He probably wasn’t happy in his life. Some people need to experience the butterflies in their relationship, like the beginnings, they crave that. Some men settle down with their girl, but they never love her deeply, they just love her as much as they can. It’s not enough! You need to find a person who will appreciate you, and so do I!
With time, you will see. It does get better. You have to stick to this:
-People change, hearts change.
-the most important person in life, is YOU! Don’t live for him.
-he’s moved on, that helps to know, so you can too, he’s giving you munition to move on.

It’s a long response:) But I hope it helps you, I am going through the same thing, if you need to chat, don’t hesitate. Hang in there, life is too short to waste any time, move on with yours, your heart will heal. Take care, Cat