@Karen – Thanks Karen I was speaking to a buddy of mine and he asked me why I was so upset; that I’m so much better than him. I said, well, it’s because I never get dumped, that how on earth could he possibly get of moi! I wish you could all see the girls he hooks up with. I told my friend I didn’t get it. What a-hole would dumo ME?! He said, “exactly…only an a-hole”. That cleared a little bit of the fog for me. Still, I hope he gets fat and miserable…the conceited, pompous jerk! Oye…this is another phase isn’t it? Anger. I hope I can stay that way instead of depressed. But you all know me…the wheels will still keep turning in my head for a while. Love really is a just another 4-letter word.

@Allyson
“better in time” by Leona Lewis is also a good song. hope it helps.

I just recently broke up with my guy. Like yesterday. I did it because deep down I knew it was the best thing to do….for both of us. He lives out of town…and I have no intention of moving where he is…..and the same goes for him. What led up to it was that he hurt my feelings….the details really don’t matter I guess. I have been crying…been told it’s good for the soul. I think I’m crying more for the ‘what if’s’ or for the ‘could’ve beens’. Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know that in some situations the ‘dumpers’ hurt, too.

@Erica –
hah!seems like we’re on the same boat. when i saw the girl my ex has hooked up with (the harlot who even dared to call me on my mobile and also added me “as a friend” on friendster!eewwww!), i was amused, confused and disgusted all at the same time. How could he have chosen such a dishrag over me?!humility aside, i felt i was way above her.

I guess most guys just don’t know how to maintain good taste (when they still had us) or choose wisely (when they made pathetic hook-ups). tsk, tsk…

@Allyson -
Thanks for the songs!=)

Meh You have to remember though, it isnt always about looks unless It’s just A Sexual Relationship. i think Rob may have found another girl, Maybe he was honestly out of love with me. I dunno, and i will never find out. Anyway, im getting there, finally, It hit me he’s never coming back to me. Hurts sometimes and memories are there sometimes too…But Il find somebody else. Im thinking about re-adding his myspace , its been 3 months but knowing im not 100% over him, I dont wanna rekindle old feelings for him…But i’d love to be friends with him just because he was my first everything. What do you people think?
If he has another girl on his profile though that will break me up inside. To be honest.
But i do quite miss him alot. Hopfully This time next year he wont be in my heart anymore x

Hi, i’m spencer. i just turned 13 today (nov 11) and my girlfriend dumped me the night before. i was in love with her and i can get over her. she made excuses like “family issues” and “didnt want anyone to me fun of me” and things like that. the reason i dont belive her i because i felt like she had been avoiding me before that. i was planning on doing so many things with her. and now i feel like my heart has been ripped out. i also dont believe her because she said she really liked me but she needs to take care of that. now i respect that, but then i asked her if she wanted to take a break or break up, and she said both. i just cant get over her. and whats worse it that i heard it from her friend on an instant messenger. i have no one but myself to blame, and i dont kno how i’m gonna live now.

@Karen – He went out and got laid twice within a week. He really is a jerk. I don’t know how I feel about this. Pretty upset that one minute he was my baby, I was his baby, for 2 years, and he has managed to distance himself from me so far, and so quickly…totally baffled.

@Spencer

you’re 13 you’ll survive

@Spencer – Hey Spence,

Try not to let it get to you, you only just turned 13, and 13 is a delicate age for things like this.
(Puberty/Maturing/Unstable Emotions ect.)

99% of Relationships between the age of 12-16 are just there for both people to have fun and experience the loss of breakups, so that when both people turn into adults they know how to cope better.

Now I knew about that 99% thing at your age, so I avoided dating completely (up until I turned 18.) I dated someone younger who was still in that (Date/Dump/Date another) stage, I gave them my everything and they threw it in my face after almost a year.

You’re a lot better off than me, it’s better to experience loss at your age as opposed to mine. A younger mind has less trouble letting go, more turbulent emotions, and difficulty understanding their feelings (most teens love someone for a week, stop for 3 days, love them for another week, ect. And they don’t know why.)

Well what i’m saying is, learn from your experiences, don’t let yourself fall for someone right away, make sure they intend on sticking with you. It takes a matter of months before people really start to be themselves around you, so before then, there’s no real way of knowing..

Good luck dude, and feel better. You don’t want to spend most of your teen years feeling all down because of girls. Because once you’re 18 there’s no going back, and you’ll miss it.

@Chelsea Kelly -
Hi Chelsea,
I would recommend NOT to be friends with him now, and not to follow him on facebook. I’ve been there. Here’s what happens.
At first you feel so happy that you know something about him, or hear from him. You smile for a day or two. Then you cry for two weeks. The worst thing is that you force yourself to decypher what he is doing and with whom. Who is this Mary? What did he mean by trip to Turkey? With her? Why does he look for home removal company? Because they are moving together or what? It hurts you so so much. It overwhelmes you. I had a depression state after that, honest. Don’t do that. You feel like you sort of have access to his life, but you will get very hurt with ANYTHING you find out about his life. Because you are not part of it anymore. And he is not going to write “hey everyone i miss Chelsea so much”, even if he thinks that!

@Anna –

Yeah i guess so, thank you. i just miss him alot sometimes. He was my first everything so its like…I still wanna know him. maybe in a year if i still want too when im properly over him? Meh I hope I Dont have to go through another rough break up, its so horrible. I hate the hurt. Il survive though, just wish i didnt have to survive and can live again. Thanks for replying Hun, Means alot xxx

Back again. Im Really Struggling. Eddie, i think uv finally met somebody who ISNT gonna get over this. Its been 3 months. im still very much inlove with him, i think about him every second of the day. whatever i do, whatever i think..hes in my head. we havent spoke for 3 months…yet im still so inlove. i miss him so so much. it was a long distance, so im hoping he may come back if i talk to him, i know this is a bad idea. but im sick of being miserable morning til night. wonder if he feels the same…No, but i wish he did. things arent getting better

Dear Chelsea..
its only been 3 months! 3 months is a short time, I would not expect anyone to get over a relationship in 3 months.
I really understand how you feel. But I guess since we can’t change the situation, we only can make things better for ourselves HUGS…..you’ll be fine, u need to talk?

@Chelsea Kelly –
Chelsea, I agree with Jessika, 3 months is definiely too short. Another thing. If you feel extremely miserable all the time, and if this prevents you from living a quality life, why not go see a doc. After all, that’s what docs are for. This is a a very stressful situation for your body, your health. You can help your body to go through this quicker and neutralise the harm from his stress. I did this at some point, when I realised I cannot cope on my own, even though I tried hard. It helped me. I actually stopped the anti-depressants by now, and in fact I feel ok. My body and my mind got a much needed break from constant crying and misery, and my boss could see that I am back to work mentally (I was useless in the office all those months, like a phantom – I mean, that’s a shame to stay that way, something has to be done!). Whatever you do Chelsea, good luck to you. You’ll be allright. Hugs

yeah i need somebody to talk to , i feel really alone. I know but everybody is telling me to forget about him…if i talk about him i just get “you still think about him? Get over it, hes an idiot” ..so im thinking i should be over it now. I hate this though , thank you for replying

@Anna –

Thanks Anna, The Doctor referred me to see a councillor, but i didnt go as i thought i could do it on my own, felt like an idiot going. over a guy, i saw it as defeat. wouldnt know what to say..ect..wish i had though. i should re-ring up. I feel ok today i had a nice cry last night then went to bed happy lol. so i think that helped alot. thank you for replying it means alot xxx

Hi Chelsea
I have only just discovered this site as I am still looking for ways to get over my ex. Basically he left me 21/2 years ago, 3 weeks before I gave birth to our son and I haven’t seen him since.
I suffered badly with postnatal depression for 18 months, but feel much stronger now !
I guess I just want to let you know that it takes time to get over a break up. Don’t feel bad that you are still hurting, it is perfectly natural. I still cry and think about my ex sometimes!
Hang in there. I think Anna is right about seeing a counsellor and going to the doctor. Break ups are really hard!
Chin up xx

I came across this article today 2 weeks into a break-up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. I love him dearly still, and want him back.

The most difficult part of the break-up for me is that the reasons he broke up with me were things that I had recently recognized I was doing, and had made efforts to reverse. I have a stressful job (so did he), and I took my stress out on him. He was always much better at handling his stress than me, and that was one of the things I found so appealing about him.

We spent nearly every day together for 3.5 years. The most nights we slept away from eachother in a row was 3, when he went to Vegas in August. Now, 14 nights after the official breakup, I wake up every morning looking for him in the bed next to me. I have dreams of speaking to him on the phone, and him telling me that he knows we can work on our issues and fix them.

I am of the belief that two people can never be completely alike – if we were, relationships wouldn’t be interesting. Therefore, love is always something that needs to be worked on, and worked FOR. That was why I was working on my issues, and helping him work through his – because our love was worth fighting for.

Since the official break-up, we have spoken a couple of times, always initiated by me, and he has left ties to me that I have no control over (a cell phone under his contract). He even left his stuff at my house, and since he hasn’t been responding to my attempts to contact him, I can’t give it back.

I’m not quite sure how to feel about the situation right now. I know that in order to start healing I have to accept that he’s gone and he’s not coming back, but since he has left these ties to me I can’t help but hope.

I’ve felt for about a year now that he was the one for me, and that we could grow old together, but never pressured him into anything because I knew he wasn’t ready for that kind of thing.

I’m trying to give him his space now, but it’s very difficult to do. I feel as though the mature way for him (and me) to handle this is to address all of the joint things we have together and separate them, so that we can BOTH begin healing, not just him. Because of the “no contact” rule, it seems like if we wait two weeks or a month down the line, it will only reopen wounds to deal with those things at that point. But, since I want him back, I’m avoiding the ultimatum of telling him he has to decide what to do about all of right now. Like I said, I want to give him the space I know he wants and needs.

He still says he loves me, and that his heart wants to be with me, but his head is telling me that if I can’t deal with normal stresses appropriately now, how will I deal with the stress of having kids, buying a house, family life, etc. I have entered counseling for stress management, and am working on the problem for myself as well as for the possibility of reconciliation. My counselor suggested letting him know that I am in the counseling program so that he knows I am making efforts to improve myself for ME, but I’m really trying to stick with the no contact thing. I want him to miss me so he’ll see what a mistake he made.

I guess my question is, is there any way to begin the healing process while still leaving my heart open to contact from him if he chooses he would like to be with me?

@Chelsea Kelly –

Chelsea, I was torturing my friends by calling and talking to them about how I suffered, but I noticed that at the end of 2nd month they also got irritated, saying “come on, stop this, how long can you drag on and on and on…”. So that’s when I started to write on blogs instead, in a way it’s fair that our friends also have a limit to their patience. And they also do not quite understand what you are going through, it’s just so “irrational” in their minds.
Funny enough – one friend of mine (who was most annoyed with my long recovery) has just been dumped too… And you know what? She is totally smashed, her ex is just using her for sex and she is putting up with this…. how crazy is that… I mean, anyone can be smart – only until they REALLY get the taste of this suffering…

@Sydney –

yeah i guess so, and can i just say that ur ex sounds like an absolute IDIOT doing that to you so you know your better off without him. I just feel like il never get through this. id take him back in an instant…i must have some low views of myself for that but yeh…i spose love is only a feeling and feelings change but its the hardest thing iv had to face. =(

Hey I just wanted to thank everyone for their stories and advice.

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years, we talked constantly through text messages and phone calls.. we spent every free minute together. He said he was saving for an engagment ring and that he couldn’t wait until we could move in together. He ended it out of nowhere on October 25 saying he needs his own time and would be happier alone.. we fought very little and were very happy together (So I thought). We did not talk much for the first week, then started talking. He came home for the weekend, and when I saw him I just cried. He held me saying everything will be ok, wiped away my tears and said he liked being with me but to be patient. He would text me still constantly and act as if nothing happened. Stupid me believed him and now he is saying he just didn’t want to be mean and felt bad so he said all those things. Haven’t talked to him in 2 days and I am dying. I can’t go to work, I am suffering in my classes, and my friends probably want to kill me.. I just spend my time crying.. I can’t even get him to understand what I am going through, but I guess he doesn’t care now does he?

@Eddie Corbano -

Very sound advice but so difficult to do in practice. My girlfriend and I ended a 3 year relationship. We were on a “break” (my own doing) but still saw each other from time to time. One day after we saw each other she says to me how she loves me and wants to marry me. I had fought this concept for a long time not thinking I was ready (part of the reason we went on break). Two days after she tells me these things I say to her I am ready for a life long committment. I expected a good response but instead got the complete opposite. Now were are broken up for good and for the life of me I cannot understand why she turned so quickly. The only answers I have is that she is torn as to what she really wants. I admit I did some selfish things when we were together and pushed her away many times, which she still reminds me of. I tell her I am changed. I went to counselling by myself for several weeks to work on things and truly believe I am a better person now. Why would she put up with me for 3 years and just when I make the effort to improve myself she wants out? The last communication I have from here is that she does not want to be with anybody right now. I know the answer is to NOT wait for her and to apply the no contact rule. I am racking my brain trying to make sense of such a drastic change of heart on her part. It makes no sense to me at all and I am suffering endlessly because of it. How do I let her go so I can be free of the pain?

@uncl99 – My advice for that would have to be.. just wait it out. There’s not much else you can do.

People who suddenly change like that (usually) don’t know WHAT they want. They make stupid excuses and reasons as to why they want out of the relationship, (which they sometimes actually fool themselves into believing).

I’d say just.. vent some feelings to her, remind her about how you feel, then tell her “you’ll just give her some space, if it’s what she wants.”

Then you have to wait.

Now this isn’t exactly nice, but you can sometimes pull someone back in by constantly telling them you love them and miss them and such, after about a week of this, (assuming they start to like you again), just completely change, tell them “I tried, now it’s time for me to move on. Its what you wanted. Hope you find someone who makes you happy.”

If you build up some of their feelings and then say that, then they usually get confused and will try really hard to hold on.

Come to think of it, that kinda sounds like what she’s doing?..

@uncl99 –

I know exactly what you mean, with the sudden change of heart thing, if youv read my countless other posts in wich i doubt you will have, my boyfriend dumped me on a sunday night, after telling me i was the love of his life..nobody like me ..bla bla…after two years, a week before we were going away together. poor excuse of a guy. Its been 3 months and i think today is my first total happy day were iv been truly happy. nothing much happened but im happy. the point is, i cried everynight, i kept replaying everything over and over in my head..had he met someone else..is he for once in his life telling the truth, that he just fell out of love with me. i just hurt myself more in the process. i advise you to keep busy and stay o.k. people told me alot to “forget” about him..”let him go”…”move on”…so i thought they knew this secret method of movng on and letting somebody go that i didnt no about, making me think i would never move on..but it just sorta happens?? dont think that u can make it happen because i dont believe you can, you can act liek you have let her go..but to really feel it, it just happens after time when ur hearts ready. You do have a tough road ahead of you but if i can do it, the most unconfident , unhappy girl out there…then im sure youl pull through too. Hope that helps x stay strong x

@Chelsea Kelly –
Thank you Chelsea. I actually have read your posts and feel for you but I am happy you are getting better day by day. I guess right now part of me does not want to get to a point where moving her from her just happens one day. I still hope we can be together. Wishful thinking I know but still its hard. I know I will find someone else but I am not sure I will ever find someone and have the unbelievable connection I had with my ex. It was really incredible. Thanks again and keep me posted on how you are doing. This stuff really sucks.

@Feli –
You are exactly right. As I was reading your post I was thinking to myself that is exactly what she did. We broke up, I was moving on, she kept contacting me, we saw each other from time to time, and she won me back. I bought everything she was selling. You are also right about the excuses. She would say things like “I don’t want to burden you with my problems” or “I want you to be happy”. Her latest is she doesn’t want to be with anyone right now but rather focus on her work, school, and family. Nothing wrong with that but you can’t also have a relationship? I cannot tell is she is genuinely confused about what she wants and confused about my change of heart (since I pushed her away a lot and made many mistakes) OR if she is just lying to me. I really thought she was just confused but it has been over a month so now I am thinking she just wants me out of her life. Either way all I can do is try to move on. I truly believe she will regret her actions some day but I will never know. Thanks for the advice.

Eddie,
I found your last post very useful.

I see what you mean saying that one needs to boil up to a certain point when one wants to break free from this addiction.

From my own experience, I can confirm that this desire comes from within, and comes with time. So, when everyone around keeps saying “come on, just let it go, can’t you get over it” you feel uneasy that you actually cannot get over. It comes by itself, with time. For the first months, you tend to draw your relationship in beautiful colours, and it’s hard to let go while you miss your relationship. But over the time, the resentment grows and you start telling yourself over and over – i need to break free from this.

One thing I noticed. I used to think that “letting go” is about thinking positively about your ex and relationship, being frateful, and sincerely wishing happiness to your ex in his life. And that this should bring peace into your soul.

Instead, now, when i’m truly starting to let go, I feel this is not really positive feeling. It’s more the feeling of huge tiredness built up inside myself, more the desire to get rid of something that troubles and tortures me. No peace of mind thing, just this irritation at myself about still having those tears sometimes, or about looking up his facebook etc. Very sad feeling actually.

Is that normal? Does that really sound like letting go or am i far from that yet?

He’s right, it’s horrible at first, but given some time you’ll start to think and see things more clearly.

Currently i’m at a stage where i’m thinking: “I tried really hard for you, but you don’t want me. I gave you my everything, but you threw it all away. I still love you, but i’m not going to suffer for you anymore, so.. So long, good luck, and I know in my heart that you’ll never find someone like me again..”

If you’re a loyal and caring partner, and they ditch you, then it’s their loss. A lot of people are just confused, they don’t understand their feelings nearly as well as they think. They’ll realize what they kicked to the gutter sooner or later, and most likely come to regret it.

And eventually, you get back that satisfaction of being single. No rescrictions, you don’t have to keep someone else happy, TO BE HAPPY.

You just focus on making yourself happy, it grows on you over time.

Thank you for the last 3 posts Feli, Unc and Eddie. They were all so useful as i thought i was the only one who didnt know how to click out of the still loving them stage, feli, you really helped alot, kinda made me see i am a decent person and im not as low as he made me feel after dumping me so cruelly, i truelly loved him, would never have hurt him, gave him my world and all…im sure i can feel that again. So his Loss… Thanks x

K Kell..I know exactly what you mean … =(
Your not alone and im free to talk anytime x

My boyfriend of 3 years and I just broke up two weeks ago. He told me that he never really felt anything romantically for me, and only kept the realtionship to try and fell that way for me. I was heart broken, we had so many plans and it was out of the blue, I had no idea he felt that way. He keeps telling me that we should be friends and he doesnt want to loose his best friend. I read a lot of the other posts, and thought it was his way of holding on, yet we arent talking everyday. I havent even seen him in a week. I think one day I will be okay with it, and I told him I needed more time, and he understands. Am I in a really odd situation, where he really does want to remain friends? I did a lot of thinking and realized that I was more afraid of losing his friendship rather than the realtionship we had( sex, love, etc)

Also,
How soon is it okay to start another realtionship. I have feelings for a new guy, but I dont know if it is just rebound feelings. I just feel comfortable being with him. Is this normal, or should I give it more time?

ecat-

That must have been brutal to hear. For someone to drag a relationship out when they aren’t feeling anything is selfish and cruel.
I think it’s great that there’s another guy you might be interested in. Just try to have fun. But I wouldn’t be worried about jumping into a relationship just yet.

Definitely stick to the no contact rule. My ex was my best friend as well. We started talking a couple months after the break up and I realized even more how much of a selfish ass he is and had no desire to keep speaking to him. It just made me more angry. It’s not worth it. Worry about YOU now and what you can do to improve your life and feel good about yourself. Hang out with your girlfriends and this new guy you mentioned and you’ll be fine!
Your ex says he wants to break up so do exactly that cut it off and stick to it. Don’t give him the best of both worlds. From my experience, when guys want to remain friends they want to hold on to all the great parts of the relationship, SEX being a big part, but not have any of the commitment.

Victoria

How to get over the loneliness when you have noone beside after the break-up? When you think you desperately need someone to hold on to but infact there’s no one out there?

@Sim – You shouldn’t be lonely after a break up, unless you gave up all of your friends to be with the person you loved.

If you’re like me, and you really like someone there with you to physically latch on to and be all cuddly with, then.. It’s just something you get used to.

Being in a relationship means that you don’t have to shut out or substitute that feeling. When a relationship ends, you feel extremely empty, but after a while you get used to the lonliness.

Hold on to yourself more than anyone, because no matter what happens you’ll always love and be there for yourself, you won’t desolate yourself.

I know what you mean though, it sucks not being able to trust and love someone, and feel completely secure with them in the way that they won’t ever leave you. Sucks feeling empty and alone.

What you really need to fix that, is to meet people who you think are cute, talk to them a little, get to know them, it makes the recovery process a lot quicker and easier.

You need friends… You need people who you can devote your time to..

Hi

i split from my bf last night for the millionth time. We live together so it makes it harder to leave. we have very big fights, one time i ended up in the cells!! he can be very nasty and i get so angry with him… despite this… every time i try to leave… he says that he loves me and that hes going to change… and i fall for it every time!!
anyway we split last night….
please help me!! i do not want to go back with him but every time he starts being nice to me… i crumble and go back!!
i have to collect some things so i can go stay with my mum… and he went and invited his mum and aunty round, he done this becauce he knows i will go out my way to be nice to them…
i feel trapped…. i want to break free but deep down, if im feeling like this i must love him right????
i need advice……

thanks in advance

@NIC –
hey NIC,
I went through an abusive relationship and dealt with it for 2 and half years. it was very hard to break loose and finally move on with my life., but I did. In your situation, it is way harder b/c you guys live together. Also, my ex roomate was in your same situation and I tried hard to convince her to leave. She tried to move out for one day but then came back to him. Recently, she had enough of his crap and took the initive to move out. It was a very big step to take but needs to be done. I think that making yourself happy is very important and living in that situation is horrible. You deserve better and to be happy. what ever you do, DO NOT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU TO STAY. My ex roomate/friend found a place secretly and moved all her stuff out while he was gone. Anyways, I hope this can help with your situation. good luck!

It has been almost two weeks after my breakup and I feel a little better. Although, I have a problem with locking myself in my room and not going out as much. Another thing is that even if i want to go out, there seems to be nothing to do because I live in a small town and it is so boring. I just recently move back to my small town and it’s hard to adjust. Also, most of my friends live far from me. Please give me some ideas to get out of this misery. oh yeah, I read somebody’s comment that it is good to change your number so you will stop looking at your phone, I will try that. I was wondering if I should delete my ex’s number from my phone period. I was thinking that later in the future I may want to contact him and be friends. what should I do? another thing is that I have so many pictures of him and I on myspace, I want to delete them but…I have to look at them all again and it is just so many. what should I do? should I just leave it for now but then I can’t go on myspace…please I need some advice. Thanks.

Snow

@Victoria –
Hi, so honestly I read ur comment and i know u left it a while ago, btu we’re in a very similar situation (hopefully ur past it by now) but if you’re not and you’d like to talk, let me know. Mine is quite recent and im still devastated crying 24/7 in the midst of law school finals, etc. and im only 21 too… almost loose all my friends, feel hopeless and lonely and like things will never be ok again. and he’s totally fine it seems like and the oNLY thing that makes me feel better is the hope that he’ll regret it. Apparently he’s kinda seeing a sleezy girl who’s not even his type, and i wonder how he does it. I tried seeing someone and looked for his eyes the whole time. Horribly painful. So if you wanna talk/ chat/ whatevs it might help, I was lucky that I got to somehow salvage my friendships on time.

I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend, today, actually.
We have been together for over 6 months now. The first time I saw her I fell in love with her. When we have been together, we have been very initmate and passionate, since the very beginning. I thought it as being true love. The only thing is that we live far apart.
From the very beginning, I have been the one driving to her house all the time, she doesnt drive. I have done many things to keep our relationship together. After about 4 months on, she started to call me less and less. Then she started not picking up the phone, and she started going out with her friends more. I thought this as peculiar, but just carried on.
The other thing with our relationship is that we have very little in common, she is very work minded, and when we are together, shes always tired from work and doesnt want to go out, just stay at home.
We dont share the same hobbies either.
Also, she is very different to me, because she is a very solitary person, and I’m family oriented and wants to go on holiday, do things together etc, unlike her.
The other main thing is that we just see ourselves drung weekends due to the distance.
The distance, and the fact that I realised that we were not compatible were the 2 main reasons that I decided to break up.
We talked about it tonight, and she agreed about distance and the incompatibility factor, we both agreed to keep contact.
We were both very emotional during the break up, and we both cried in each other’s arms.
But I feel very guilty, I feel as if I havent done the right thing. I love her to bits, I cant stop thinking about her!
I feel like part of me is gone, and I know its gonna get worse knowing how much i’m gonna miss her. But when we have been together, many times I’ve pondered that due to her character and situation, she wasnt the one for me.
Should I call her, to get her back? I know it would be wrong, because I’d go back against my decision.
Have I done the right thing to break up?
please help.

OMG. So I’ve been reading you and Chelsea’s comments after crying for 2 months and 2 weeks (he had me on hold for 2 months and made it official 2 weeks ago–by official i mean he didnt have the balls to say its over,he said im too angry to try right now) just to then see he is ’seeing’ this sleezy looking girl- saw it on facebook, thru pictures he untagged and bumper stickers they send each other. He too told me he had no interest in anyone. I know she’s a rebound for him to not feel this breakup. I know how it keeps being said that the ‘dumper’ went through the 4 phases before breaking up with us, but in my case it really was quite sudden and I still hold on to the hope that it will hit him. I know I meant a lot to him, so logically I don’t understand how he could just not look back. All this time he lied to his family, he just told them yesterday– his brother msged me about it and said didn’t want to explain. his parents love me so they are really upset. I’vebeen crying every day since. Lost weight, gained weight. Deactivated my fbook not to see him acting up and ‘getting drunk’ and seeing his pictures/ comments anymore but I somehow sadly go on my friends facebooks to look at his page. Even if I said I wont anymore until after finals (Oh, I also f—ed up my first semester in law school aka that which determines ur career they say and im at a top 20 so my life’s quite a handful right now) I just don’t understand… a lot of our problems- basically all- came out of my insecurities so I know and I am working on loving myself first… but I can’t help wonder/ hope he will regret it. Its fine if by then I’ve moved on… I begged for like 2 months, it feels i just need that much pride/ reassurance back… he was really in love too, always talked about forever together, he;s quite religious so it all meant a lot and seemed so real, and now he just acts like its inexistent… very confusing =(

@Allyson -

@Nicholas –
Nicholas, reading your post was almost like hearing my ex bf talking about our breakup… Long distance, different interests and aspirations, different cultures… Saying he still loves me to bits but he sees no future because of all this and that he HAS to take this decision even though he misses me madly…
So odd.
I wonder if he was struggling like you do, whether to get back together or not. Probably yes. The only difference is that you were in relationship for 6 months, and us – for 4.5 years.
I don’t know what i can advise. If you reached the point of this decision (breaking up) then things were really bad for you, otherwise you would have find ways to keep going on. There’s no doubt that you will miss each other, badly, and for a long time. My breakup took place 8 months ago, and i still cry – in fact i cried all last weekend. IN my mind – rationally – i understand that all those factors and obstacles exist. By in my heart, i feel so sorry to loose the love that was so strong and beautiful.
Can i ask you – what prevented you from moving closer to each other? If none of you considered that option, maybe you were not so serious about each other – just wondering.
In any case, I believe you need some time to yourself Nicholas, to think about what you want to do. Not to rush anything. Maybe you will realise that she means so much to you that you want to get back. Maybe you will just confirm your decision and slowly get over this…
Good luck to you.

@Snow –
Snow, here’s what you could do with your ex’s stuff. Take a box (a shoe box or anything), write down your ex’s phone number, e-mail, address etc etc on a piece of paper. Copy all the photos that are dear for you on a CD. All this stuff, as well as any physical photos and gifts from him, music CDs that he made for you and that remind you of your time together, and any objects of nice memories – put all of this in this box, write his name of it – and then put this box on the top shelf in the most faraway corner of your home.

You will have a terrible urge to spy on your ex, to constantly look at their facebook, etc etc. It would be best to resist it altogether, but if you can’t (I couldn’t) then at least limit it to doing it e.g. maximum once a week. Otherwise it becomes a daily routine that is very difficult to overcome later, it sucks you in, and it makes it so difficult to heal, believe me…

I also noticed that i had to altogether give up the music where they speak of love – which is 90% of the music i think… A love song so quickly sends you into tears and depression… I ended up only listening to classical music and jazz for several months. It helped.

Snow, I know how it hurts, I know, I feel so sorry for you, hope it works out ok for you. YOu will get better, you will.

In October, I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. After 2 1/2 weeks in there, he sat me down and said that our futures don’t align, that problems we had in the past won’t go away, that the spark isn’t there anymore and that this was it. So needless to say I was completely blindsided by all of this. One of the worst things he said though? Is that he had these feelings since before we moved in together…you would think he would have MENTIONED THOSE BEFOREHAND! We weren’t in the perfect relationship before, but many of the problems that we had would have been alleviated by moving in together, and he didn’t give that a chance to happen. It went back and forth – he didn’t want this, he did, then he didn’t, then he went to a different state where his job could be to see if he wanted to move. He ultimately decided to move away, and yesterday was our last day in the apartment. I had moved out during Thanksgiving, but had seen him twice since then. I just wanted to see some emotion out of him – I don’t expect him to be sobbing, but talking to him on the phone and his emails have been cold and stranger…I just want to feel like this all wasn’t a complete waste for him. As much as he says he’s sad too, its just monotone. Its been very hard…I keep replaying every moment, every conversation, every comment over and over in my head.

@Toots – hey Toots. Hang in there girl. I’m going through finals right now too and I just messed up my paper that was worth 30% of my grade because of this breakup. Fortunately, I still have a chance to pass if I do well on the final. I’m sorry to hear about your situation and how it messed up your semester for law school. It must be very important to you. I went to get counseling at school, you should try that too. It helped somewhat because I could talk about my feelings and it felt good. The no contact rule is very important while you breakup. He needs some space and you’re probably not giving it to him. He then went on a rebound to get you to leave him alone. That’s what I think happened. It was super hard for me to do the no contact thing too. I called and text like crazy for the first couple of days and then I realize it wasn’t doing any good. I haven’t talked or contact him about two weeks now. I contacted him through aim yesterday, just to say hi and see how everything went. Since it was just the distance thing and we didn’t end it bad. after this short conversation I will give him space and he can feel free to contact me again if he wanted. I already made the initiative to talk. I’m not having to much hope that we will be together but for now, I just want to be friends. Another thing, guys want you more when they know you are doing good and have moved on. Like the title of this website lovesagame, it’s a “cat and mouse” game that is! hope this was helpful to you.

snow

@Toots -

Good god I know what you mean, i went thru a similar thing and its nearly 4 months on and i still hurt over him and hes still in the back of my mind. Hes left me very depressed and lost. I feel like the ugliest girl alive and im on a starvation diet now, been about 2 weeks now. I eat an apple every two days in a bid too get him back if i look better. I never EVER thought id be this way ever over a guy. Somebody please Help me

@Chelsea Kelly -

Ok so im SURE you are not the ugliest girl on earth, and don’t be on a starvation diet- why? No, I won’t give you the ITS UNHEALTHY speech- I’ll make it blunt – If you see him again, you will be a cow.
Yes, why? I’ve done it, I’ve even had an eating disorder and now I am in relatively decent shape, work out everyday and eat really healthy. I lost like 15 lbs with the breakup in 10 days, gained them in no time w/ interests, so now im back on track. SO- point is, if your own health won’t motivate you, think that you cant eat apples forever and once u get a tasty carb you’ll binge, get fat, sad and he’ll be like HUH im better than you.

YOU DO NOT NEED THAT.

I don’t either. I tried hard all day to not even look at hs facebook, I have a huge final tomorrow nad its helping but im also trying to tell myself how great I am and how in reality this is HIS LOSS. His parents heard yesterday and are very upset because they said how they predicted he broke it off, that was his “MO” they said… so listen, im sure people around you tell you it’s his loss, maybe its time to believe it. Maybe the problem is they don’t wanna come back to us because we don;t love ourselves enough, and then who will?

I dont know how bad you’re stil feeling but this is totally an open cut for me right now, so if you feel like talking too shoot me an email or we can chat if you have AIM. Might help… cause trust me, ‘ i never ever thought id be this way ever over a guy’ either… and I am quite an accomplished young lady, my mom has been through hell and back with ym father and yet managed to always stand so strong and me crying like this at 21 years old, being healthy, during my first year of law school which I am totally ruining is just so wrong conceptually… but end of the day, you don’t control your feelings… and now it’s hard to see for me to, but part of me REALLY believes we all need to go through something like this, even if someday you get back with that person because you were “meant to be” you will have grown up and as my favorite author said (and please read it twice, very very wise):

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.

I can’t believe it……I’m not alone. Thank you for that.

My boyfriend of 9 yrs left to “find himself” because he didn’t know who he was anymore as I controlled his life. I made more money, worked full time and part time building my own business, had all the credit/bills in my name, paid all the bills, etc. I thought I was taking care of my family. He was gone in less than 48 hrs while I was at work one day. I was and still am heartbroken and feel like a fool. I ended up paying him money to remove his name from our home and he has now moved into a ritzy new apartment and bought all brand new furniture, etc. Meanwhile, I have all the old crap and all the bills that go with it. Anyhow..enough of my complaining, I need help with something.

When I try to cut off communication he calls persistently. When I try to maintain communication he is very aloof, either doesn’t return calls or is always busy and has “to go”. Even if I’m returning his call. At times I don’t even know who he is and then he is back to his loving old self. Telling me that he loves me and misses our family and how this has all been so difficult. He still wants to sleep with me and I have given in. I have good days and bad, often effected by whether or not I have had an encounter either verbal or physical with him. The three month anniversary of being dumped is Christmas Day…yippee! I dread this Christmas, my family (parents, etc.) are here but my son is going to be on vacation with his father and it’s really just me and my dog (thank God for her).

Before leaving us he was going to this local coffeeshop and hanging out with these people that I thought and he agreed were losers (please don’t take that the wrong way) but just not people you would choose as friends. Now they are his closest companions and he will be hanging out with them and they are clearly more important than myself of my son.

I’m so confused and I keep flipping back and forth as to what is best for me. I am not ready to date and so I am susceptible to continuing the intimacy with him. Is it crazy? Can I really be in control and just have sex with him on my terms?

Help…advice please!

@Chelsea Kelly –
Chelsea, I understand you so well. It’s been over 8 months for me, and i’m still not over, and I’m still hurting, not as much as i did at your “phase” but I still cry a lot, and think of him every hour of every day. Someone told me an entire year has to pass, for you to really feel over it. Some people hurt for a longer time – it all depends on how sensitive we are, how much attached we were to that person – on a chemical and emotional level, how confident we are of ourselves etc etc. And as Eddie says, definitely depends on how meaningful your life is and how much happiness you can find in your life that is “outside” your ex.
I am very sensitive – probably as you are. And i was attached to him in the way that i almost felt we have “merged”, so getting used to being apart was like tearing my body apart. That was the most terrible experience in my life so far. But i’m glad to know that the worst thing is already behind me. Every day is still painful, but it’s way better than those days of agony that followed the breakup.

Please don’t go on a diet or do anything to your body because of him. He did not leave you because of your body or anything. It was something else – could be your lack of self-confidence and self-love, you know guys always sense that. And if you do not value yourself really high, they stop valuing you too, they take you for granted first, then they start resent you. This is what i realised about myself – i sometimes was just too nice to my ex, I initiated to much. i needed to just lean back sometimes and think of what i want.

I’m sure that – as soon as you smile, and look around happy, and value yourself – there will be tons of men who will want to be with you, and who will just love your face and your feminine body and what you are. Cheer up
Anna

cant stop crying. went on his myspace and yesterday he took me off his top friends and no, I am not a child, and even if neitehr of us use it awful, im somehow bawling. I realize im still waiting for him to come back regretting it and i dont understand how from a day to the other he’s fine and done i dont understand =( help =(

@Darlene Carlson – I’d just try and cut contact and not bother so much about him. He wanted to leave, he left, he’s gone now, it’s his fault if you’re too busy for him. Let him do 90% of the keeping in contact.

Man what a jerk, you even had children.
I’d stop sleeping with the guy, you never move on that way, and who knows who else he’s sleeping around with. egh, he’s single now, remember.

I hope you feel better, and if things don’t work out between you two, there are a lot of nice guys out there who’ve more than likely had the same thing happen to them as you.

@Anna –
Awh Anna your really lovely, Thank you so much, id love to chat to you more about this cos ur really helpful and we can relate to eachother, drop me ur addy or something id love a better chat x thanks