Dear Eddie and everyone,

I’m finally over my ex, yey for me!! I tried to talk to him and be friends but he was just too cold hearted and mean. He even gave away our dog that I loved so much. He didn’t even let the dog out to do his business. Oh well, I don’t need somebody that treats me so bad and life is too short to waste on him. I can and will find someone else that cares and loves me. Thanks to Eddie with his good advice on this website and thanks for everyone that have given me advice. It really helped. Well, this is the last post for me. I wish everyone the best and happy holidays!!

snow

I recently went back to my ex and was with him six months. I found out the other night by looking at my phone bill he had been lieing to me. Im really depressed Im 32 years old and I dont have many friends in the town I live in I moved here 1 year ago. I am so down all I want to do is sleep Im sick at my stomach and havent ate in two days. Sleeping is impossible I sleep 20 minutes at a time and then i end up having panic attacks. I fear that no one will want me. Im so down on myself

My gf and I broke up a week ago after an argument. The argument was not a good enough reason to break up in my opinion so it was a bit of a shock to me. She said she was not there anymore. I called her 2 days after and it seemed we were going to work things out but the following day she told me she just didnt want to be with anyone. Its all a shock because she had said how much she loved me always. And that I WAS the best thing that had ever happened to her. She asked for space that she needed time. I have not called her but I miss her like crazy. Do you think she will be back? I dont want to contact her because I cannot imagine being rejected. So I wait for her to come around. Help!

So I just called my ex, after not talkign for 3 weeks, he didn’t pick up. I have law school finals already messed up one and I cannot stop crying. He’s made it clear that he’s done and moved on, deleted all my friends from online networks, etc. and I still cannot get over it. I still love him, its going to be like 3 months since he asked for a ‘break’ which lasted 2 months but during which we talked everyday because he in theory was working on getting things in place he wanted to be with me and all, and it somehow all just vanished, and I am as broken as ever and cannot stop crying. At all. I feel like I am going to die and I’ve read the advice, and I try to take care of myself, and love myself… but I saw a future with me. So clearly. And he did too, but he doesn’t anymore and I don’t know how to accept that, I know part of it is I just don’t want to accept it as much as I should and know have to… I just keep hoping he will come back once he sees no one will love him as I did/do. =( Help =(
@Chelsea Kelly -

First off I want to say I’m sorry for anyone else that’s going thru what I am right now. I’m 21 years old and I broke up with my girlfriend about 5 days ago and I’m completely in shock. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’m generally a very calm person but unfortunately
we had a huge fight the other day. She was drunk and being rude to me after I came home from work from a new job. I lost my old job about a month ago and this has also caused problems because she didn’t have one at the time. I tried to calm her down numerous times but she was with her friend and the comments and insults were overwhelming so I blew up in front of her and told her and her friend to leave my apartment (and it was her friend’s birthday too). I completely regret this decision, I havn’t talked to her since, she hasn’t called me and I’m thinking the worst. I don’t know where she is. We’ve had over big fights before and she usually takes me back. I know I’m a great guy and I have alot to offer her. Everyone is telling me I’m better off without her but you know, the good always outweighs the bad and I’m really hurting right now. Just thinking I made the biggest mistake of my whole life. I don’t want to get over her. I’d take her back in a second regardless of her faults, I’d do anything to make it work. I love her unconditionally and I’m having alot of trouble dealing with this situation I feel so lost.

Also having trouble sleeping, eating, and I can’t even go to work I’m so upset and I need to pay my rent but how can I if I can’t work right now?

Please help

@Chelsea Kelly –
Hi Chelsea, hope you are doing better. Will be very glad to hear from you on my mail – please contact me at happy@live.ru.

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@Toots –
Toots, I can feel how bad you hurt. I understand why. This is a strange moment in life when you can no longer be happy (because it was the relationship that accounted for most of your happiness) – and you can’t be happy YET with any new relationship (because you are not capable of this yet). Everyone says it will be better after a while, but you don’t care about later, it’s so bloody hard NOW. All you can do now is to accept yourself, accept that you have the right to feel like this, as this is natural for anyone who has lost someone who has been almost part of you, like a body part. Pour out your feeling on paper, talk to your friends, write more on this forum. Just speak, speak and speak. As much as it hurts, it will gradually heal. But you have to go through this with self respect and dignity.

Please don’t contact your ex anymore. I know how much you want to, but believe me, anything he will say or do now will bring you pain.

Take care, and love yourself. You are a great girl.

@James – Sounds like you deserve better, and are most probably better off without her. You said she was:

- Jobless
- Drunk, and
- Insulting you with a friend?

I guess it’s understandable that she was drunk, being her friend’s birthday and all. I don’t know about you but i’d have problems kicking my drunk gf out on the street, but I understand that you’d have bene kinda ticked off, I know I would have if my gf and her friend were being that way infront of me.

Next time something like that happens, just go in your room and sleep or something, and lock the door. Save the anger for when she’s sober and thinking straight.

I dunno if she’s usually like that, but making nasty comments and insulting you infront of someone else sounds incredibly.. two-faced? And I think she should be the one who’s worried about you not taking her back.

Anyway, just live your life as best you can while she’s not there.. You know that you’re a decent person, and that she probably doesn’t deserve to be with you, even if you really want her to.

If you’re meant to be together, then you will be, eventually. But not now.. Later..

Just work, get money, spend it on yourself, and try find things to do that fill in the time that you used to spend with her.

And just a word to the wise, if she did truly love you or care about you, she’d probably have contacted you by now. You know her better than I do, heck I don’t know her at all, but i’m assuming she’s not talking to you because she’s mad and that she wants you to be upset for it.

If a time comes when you two do get back together, sit her down and talk about changes and such, because you need to realize bad traits (which you both have) and work towards fixing them.

Good luck, and you have a lot more initiative than I do. First thing you want to to feel better is love and respect yourself, and keep doing that until you feel good about who you are, you get to the stage where you feel that you don’t even need a girlfriend, because you were fine before you ever found one — and that’s when you’re ready to date again.

My Boyfriend recenlty broke up with me over a very small arguement. I have tried to reach out to him a number of time by calling and texting him. He hasn’t responded to me for a couple days now. In my opinion the relationship was going really good and we were almost together for a year. When we were together we always had a good time, it was all about me. He showered me with so much attention and constantly told me he loved me. We even spoke about our future plans, buying a house, marriage and even children. I don’t understand why he would throw everything we had away over a simple arguement. I really loved him and felt like he could be the one for me. I gave him all I had to give and he crushed my heart. He didn’t even have the decentcy to break up with me face to face, he did it through a text message. My pride is hurt. I have the support of my friends and mother which is a huge help rite now. While I was with my bf i some what neglected my friend. That was a bad mistake that I will never make again. Like they always say guys come and go but true friends are forever. That saying is SO TRUE. My mind is telling me I need to move on but my heart still wants to be with him at times. Is there any advance you can give me to help deal with this pain?

.@James -

well you should def. not stop going to work over a girl.I am 21 too and just broke up with a very close relationship as well. I feel lost and very confused, but nothing is going to take away from my work eithic and devotion I have to my art, I would think of other things that you want to find in your life that is working. It’s shitty that your out trying to work and you come home from a new job and she is not supporting you. Isn’t that really the reason why you did get upset in the first place? She probably is not talking to you because she has a lot of pride

@Renee –
Renee, so sorry to hear about what happened.

You said you broke up after a small argument. What was the argument about?

The thing is, people don’t break up over an argument. Your bf wanted to end the relationship, but people find it extremely hard to say this upfront face to face, especially when you are both nice and friendly and when things are going ok. It’s hard to say harsh words when you have just been smiling. This is why people “wait” for an argument as a pretext to do the breakup. Sometimes they can even provoke an argument (by being irritated at something insignificant and by telling themselves it’s a significant thing). So it’s NOT about your argument. Try to look back and you will recall the moments when he started to withdraw or was behaving in a strange way. So don’t beat yourself up over anything you said during the argument, because this was not the reason.

Try not to contact your ex bf now, and concentrate on yourself – on pouring your pain and anger out on paper or in this forum. By taking care of yourself, sleeping, eating, walking, and just living day by day, finding things that make you happy outside the relationship. Good luck to you…

@Renee – Everyone’s different, and I think all friends come and go but the right one stays with you forever.

Some people are different than others, some need more time together, others need a lot of time apart with friends. They both have a huge impact on relationships depending on what type of person you are.

My heart goes out to you, though. I was with my girlfriend for 9, almost 10 months, looking forward to finally being together for 1 year was all we’d talk about at times. And like yours, it fell apart over something incredibly stupid.

Deep down you know you should move on, but your heart questions if it’s the right choice. (Comparing all the fun times to the few crap ones, and the crude way it ended, it’s a relationship that probably could have worked out in the end.) And that’s why you feel a dichotomy over it.

I felt the same way, I still do.. I really loved my partner, and i’m really upset that she decided to give up after everything we’d been through and shared together.

I’m just giving her some time and hoping she’ll come around eventually, but I know i’m better off on my own, I always have been, I alway will be.. I neglected most of my friends and lost all but one or two of them, but I don’t really care, they were just users to me.

Anyway, I hope you feel better. It’s a real sad thing to go through, particularly during this time of year when all you want to do is have someone special there to cling to and stuff.

@Anne Low –

Very good point, Anne. I’m going throught this at the moment, and feel confused as to why I walked away. It’s still a loss for both sides at first. Loss is weird at first.

I keep telling myself that I’d rather wake up twenty years from now WITHOUT this person in my bed, as opposed to WITH her in my bed.

Hopefully it was the right move.

@Renee.. i am facing similar things as u are.. an at the same time too… i was crazy about this guy and we planned our future and everything, and he came home, met my folks (reluctantly) This is a very important step in us Indians. Family decides your fate. Mine was supportive. But his parents were not. And Mama’s boy broke up with me, ended what we had, for no fault of mine, just because he initiated marital discussions and not his folks!! I Have gone through a mix of emotions in the past 5 days. I had flown down back home, to finalise our engagement and meet the parents, with mementos, sweets, jewellery and clothes.. everything.. But i was devastated after i heard this. My first response was vindiction. But after i got a final closure, i decided that i will not joepardize everyone else i love in this process of getting back on my own feet. I am just 4 days old in this breakup, And already on my way to recovery. And i am a very very emotional person, and this bouncing back so soon surprises me too. But this is how i did it.

I spent maximum time over the internet, readin articles on how to mend a broken heart. I retrospected and learnt what went wrong. I promised to never do this again. And i kept seeing that no matter how much i loved him, i deserved better. The picture grew clearer the more i thought about it. If the guy does not even as much as care about your emotions, its good that it has ended now, instead of 3 years later, leaving you all crumpled and shattered.

Get back to your feet, mentally create a wall and stop thinkin about him, smsing, mailing. Delete all his remains, hangout with friends and family. Cry. But each time you do it, remember these tears are for a person who doesnt even know ur crying and possibly does not care anymore. Accept the fact and MOVE ON. Only you can do it, no one else will do it for you. Read up these articles.esp peoples experiences, and you will realise you are far better off that most people (imagine 10 years and 2 children and then being dumped) Its not easy, and i know better since i am going through the same thing right now, but I WILL NOT LET HIM AFFECT ME LIKE THAT. Yes life is different. Hang out with single friends. And dont start dating again..
Waking up and sleeping thinking of him, who’s not even worth it makes no sense.

Something gross.. you might hate me for putting it this way, But this is what keep me rising up again and again..
You are in deep shit right now, all you see is shit around you.
You will rise up, but the stench wont go easily either.
Time does nothing alone. You will need a detergent to wash it off, the stench and the remains.

My detergent is, my parents, my friends, my confidence, and prayer, and yes.. my will..

Wish you all the best.

@Anna –

Anna,

He was the one who really provoked the arguement. We had plans in which he completed neglected to hang out with his friends. At that point I was mad and had an attitude when he finally decided to call me. The next day he texted me saying, We should not be together anymore ,this is just now working. Im completely confused when the previous day before the agruement he was telling me how much he loved me. I kno im better off with out him but I just miss him so much. Its so painful to not hear his voice. I have been trynging my best to not feel tempted to call him, but there are times where i feel totally crushed. I keep asking myself what did i do wrong for him not to want me. I know i haven’t done anything wrong but love him, but he always had a way of blaming things on me. Thanks for the advice Anna

@Feli –

I think it is incredibly hard for me due to this time of year. We had so many plans for the new year. In my heart I know we are over for good. I just don’t understand how he could just drop me and not even care. I would have done anything for him and put everything bit of my heart into our relationship. I think that is my problem. I fall in love to hard to just get hurt in the long run.

I wanted to share a worthwhile quote re: breaking up that acknowledges needed sensitivity while encouraging “distraction” as way to cope – INITIALLY (distraction mentioned in the recent email newsletter)…
“WHILE GRIEF IS FRESH, EVERY ATTEMPT TO DIVERT ONLY IRRITATES. YOU MUST WAIT TILL IT BE DIGESTED, AND THEN AMUSEMENT WILL DISSIPATE THE REMAINS OF IT.” ~Samuel Johnson
Thank you.

Thank God for this site! It really helps put things into perspective.
My 2.4 yr relationship ended 4 months ago. And yes…it was very difficult and painful. He was my first serious relationship and this is my first heartbreak. When it happened, I felt that my heart broke down into a million pieces and scattered all over the floor, stepped on and beaten over and over. It was a painful experience. I was completely lost and I didn’t know how to follow and deal with what’s happening. Although I initiated the break-up, it was because I felt him becoming so distant from me. He did admit that he “needed time to figure things out”. The line of communication remained open although I tried my hardest to keep it to a minimum. He was mostly the one initiating contact the 1st couple of months – to say hi and see how i’m doing and stuff. This has become the reason why I remained hopeful and stuck into believing we can still work things out and we are going to get back together. 2 months after, I sat him down and talked to him. I told him that I want to start over again coz I don’t want to give up on our relationship just like that. I told him that I am aware we need to work on things and I am willing to do whatever it takes. We just have to be honest with each other. He said he wasn’t ready to commit, but we can start slow. For the first couple of weeks after that talk, we talk on the phone, hanged out a couple of times. But then I felt that I was the only one putting effort into “working things out” and he wasn’t putting much effort into it. At this point, I realized that if we are going to get back together, it has to come from him since his the one “who needs time to figure things out”, so I kinda stopped initiating contact with him. I didn’t see him for a month and during that time, we barely talked. A couple of weeks ago, for some reason I called him (maybe it was the spirit of the holidays…) and we got to talking which led to him inviting me over for lunch. At this point, my hope of us getting back together soared even more. I’m thinking maybe this is what I’m waiting for. When we met, he gave me an early Christmas present, a necklace. After the meeting, we both acknowledge that we had a great time hanging out with each other and I thought it was a good sign…..but now I don’t know what going on. He hasn’t called me since we had lunch. I’ve not heard anything from him except for a text last Christmas day of “Merry Christmas”. I don’t know what to do…..why is he like that? Am I wrong to think there’s still hope between us? Should I just let this go? Please help, I’m really lost :/

@Emily –
Emily – thanks for the quote. This is very true.

I remember that the first 4-6 weeks after my breakup were so hard that i hated anyone who would say – come on, just have fun and this will pass. I think it took me like 4-5 months to be able to geniuinely have fun again.

But then – distraction and crazy fun are different things. We CAN distract ourselves by things like watching the sea storm, being in the forest, going to a photo exhibition, trying out a new restaurant etc. We should just find out which things “feel right” at the time. It will still hurt like hell – but at least not 100% of the time!

@Hopeful –
Hopeful, I can recall the anguish of this situation… as I’ve been there, too. When he asks for “some space” you get into some sort of a painful limbo state. All the relationship books say that when this happens, you should truly give him the space he requests – but the main thing is not to focus all your energy on watching him (what is he doing, which words is he using when texting me, what is he thinking about) but to direct this energy to your own life and enjoy it. Very good advice, but so hard to follow… as nothing compares to the pain and fear that simply eats you out when you know that he is probably half way out and that you are probably losing him, or maybe lost already.

My experience has shown that when the guy wants some space, this is not a good sign. It may mean that he wants a gentle way to end the relationship, to avoid a bad breakup.

But I may be wrong – asking for space can indicate a big problem in the relationship, when people have got tired of each other, but it can also be a small problem. Only you can sense whether it’s hopeless or not.

I guess you can increase the chances of getting together if you keep being the happy, charming and “independent” you, radiating confidence and positive energy. If he feels that you are desperately waiting for him, he may resist this. Don’t call him, but when he calls, be positive and happy but short.

If you feel that this is just too painful for you, my recommendation is to tell him that you also need some time to think about your life and your needs, and go no contact. Good luck.

my relationship lasted about 4yrs. I had moved in with my boyfriend and we had been living together for about a year. when our contract was over we desided to move to another apt. it was much nicer and bigger, we then started to buy new furniture and get a new car for him, not even a month later that we got the new apt he cheated on me and we broke up… we were away from each other for a couple of months, he kept the apt. i moved back with my parents and i started dating this wonderfull guy he was perfect the only thing wrong with him was that he was too jelous. after a couple of moths we broke up. then my ex started to look for me again (the guy who cheated on me) we started to hang out and he had told me he was very sorry for what he did he said he wanted another chance, i still had feelings for him so i decided to give him another chance, we then started dating and everything was going good but then i found out that once again he was talking to other girls and he started hanging out with his friends more than with me, we would argue about everything and anything. finally we broke up again and didnt talk for about a month and ahalf. one morning i was checking my email and i had one from him. he was writting a letter appologizing to me and tellin me how much he missed me and that he realized what he had lost and that he loved me, also that he knew he didnt deserve me. well after the letter we started to hang our again, everything was perfect he was sweet carring everything i ever wanted. but then he started arguing with me for no reason he started getting weird late phone calls and just yesterday we were supposed to hang out and he got mad at me becuase i forgot the navigation system he got me for xmas and i didnt have it in my car he started arguing and stoped talking to me, i dropped him off at his house him knowing he had plans together he said he had things to do but he was stuck with me, that hurt me so much, so i asked him to get off my car i locked my doors and he went to in his house and we havent spoken since. I really dont know what to do anymore can you guys give me some advise??

Thanks Anna for your advice.

I’ve been contemplating talking to him to clear the air between us. I want to move on from all this and I know I can’t do that if I keep hanging on to my feelings for him. At this point, my brain is telling me that it’s time to let go…but of course…my heart is not exactly ready for it just yet. That’s probably the reason why i’m getting so confuse and lost on what to do and how to deal with the situation.

@karen –

Karen,

I have been cheated on a few times and it hurst alot. I hope you feel better, and please try to keep your focus away from him..this is a good time to call friends and family..you probably would want to speak to him, but its best that you let him look for you.

i know that many people have lived this situation before and its not that easy to get over the love of ur life ( or what we think the love of our life) anyway i didn’t thought that one day i’ll seek for some one to help me with getting over my own heart breaking…i loved some one who is totally stupid..really he is,,,never learn from his mistakes and always need some one to lead him and ofcourse this some one is ME ,,,at first i liked this feeling..but after that it became impossible to handle this situation..he isn’t responsible person…he always think about hanging out with friends all the time and never give his self time to study and even me have no time ,,,any way we hurted each other alooooooooooot and we also still love each other but iam not sure about him cause every time we seperate he goes to another girl and the turn back to me ,,,like he never did a thing ,,and after the 2 years of pain and aloot of problems …and until now we get back together and then break up again and i had enough with that ….i need a way to get over his love and make him forget me cause he don’t love me..he just want me to be with him to prove that he can get what he want,,,iam through with this terrible love ..its making me falling apart and die very slowlyyyy,,,any one can help!!!

I am in a real mess. I’ve been dating a girl over two years now. She moved in a year ago and I proposed this summer. Since then, things have gotten really weird.

She was married before and cheated on her husband. Now she thinks that I am cheating and is suspicious of every email or phone call that I receive. I’m not cheating, but I do stay in contact with an ex-girlfriend from high school (15 years ago). Her family and mine were both close, so there’s no reason to destroy that friendship, in my opinion.

My fiance’ doesn’t trust me, but she also has self esteem issues. Last week we went out with three other couples and she was the oldest girl there. Halfway through dinner she told me she was fat and old. I told her she wasn’t, because she’s not. This sent her into a tantrum because I “don’t listen to her”. She walked out in front of all of my friends, only to come back 5 minutes later looking like a crazy person.

I also can’t stand her mother. And recently, I have learned that she is strapped with $40k in credit card debt from her previous marriage.

So why am I afraid to break-up with this girl? It should be easy, but I am having trouble stepping up and doing what seems like the obvious thing. Ugghhh!!

Dear Eddie,
I’ve been out of a relationship with my ex since last February, almost a year now. We were on and off after the break up, I just couldn’t let go. I had given him everything, he cheated on me after an argument while he was in GA with his best guy friend and I was in FL at home, he justified it by saying that we had ‘broken up’ – arguing was nothing new to us. I figured it was just another fight. But I didn’t find out of this till late January. The wait hurt me just as much as the act did, saying he was “waiting for the right time to tell me so it didn’t mess anything up”.
Thinking about it still hurts me, and I think about him frequently. We started talking a couple months ago and things started up again, only to fail as always. We fought constantly, and after 17 months it tore me down, made me an empty person who just didn’t care or just wanted to fight back. I lost all feeling for him. I feel as if I lost my heart along the way. I haven’t had a problem finding guys to fall back on, people to try to fill a gap, or use for what I want. I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want love at all, but I know somewhere I do. I just feel unable to love again. I feel like I have become a heartless shell of the person I once was. I don’t understand how I could love so much, and I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t process it. I don’t know where to go or how to take down my walls so I’m not such a cold person. I have no problem with using a guy and thinking nothing of him, I see this as a problem. I don’t want to be this person, it’s been months and months. Time isn’t helping. I just feel that i’m falling deeper into a path that I don’t want to go. No one triggers the feeling of wanting love – the only people I care about are myself and my friends. How do I find my heart again?

Hi Eddie,

Thanks so much for these articles.

I am a bit confused with my situation. I am 25 and my bf of 5 months split up with me because he is going away for work commitments and does not want us to even try a long distance relationship on new years eve. I have been in love before and was in a long term relationships before but this hurt I am feeling is so different. I almost feel rejected, because despite pleading with him, trying to make a go of things while he is away, he said he has tried a long distance relationship before and it wont work. I really tried to make him see that some can work, but the more I tried, the more he insisted on us splitting up. I even offered to go with him to the middle of nowhere for 12-18 months for his work, so we can still be together.

He also told me that our age gap was too close (he is one year older) and by the time he will be ready to settle down and offer the commitment a gf deserves, I will have lost out on years of my life waiting and he wont be able to live with the guilt if it didnt work out after all of that (in my culture a girl over 30 is unlikely to get married)

I know 5 months does not sound like a long time, but so much happened during that time and we had to deal with a lot. I don’t really give relationships a chance and this is the first realtionship that I have had since 2006. He made plans with me of our future together that I have never liked to make with ex’s but was so happy when he would tell me “our story” where our kids were going to be, names of children, marriage, Xmas plans with my family, asked to meet my family (none of my ex’s met my family because I never wanted it to get difficult if we split) etc

I have had a lot going on in the last 2 months (lost my job due to redundancy, found out that I am ill and now this break up) I think I might have relied on the realtionship too much for my happiness. He made me so happy at times, but someother times, he didn’t communicate with me well.

I need to really think of bad things that happened in the relationship but I really can’t think of anything drastic and that is why I am so shocked because he is splitting up with me becuase of the future (1. Going away for work, 2. Cannot commit to anything long term yet) etc

I cannot stop crying and know this is the stage of a break up that everyone goes through, but I just feel let down, and sometimes start to think things that I shouldn’t. I want to forgive him for hurting me, but I really am finding it difficult at the moment. I don’t like holding grudges.

I feel that he is sad out of guilt rather than because we have broke up. I would have literally done anything for him. I isolated myself from everyone during the relationship because I love him so much and wanted to spend every minute I can with him.

Can anyone please help here?

Eddie,

I really like the site, and go back to it often.

My boyfriend, with whom I shared an apartment and 2+ years of my life, and I broke up three weeks ago, after him taking two days to ‘think about things.’ He just isn’t sure I’m ‘the one,’ ‘has some things to work on in himself’, etc. Then two weeks later, he said he wanted to talk, I went over there and ended up staying for five days, with things pretty much going back to how they were, but with me not knowing where i stood. I had to be the one to ask what was happening, if I should p/u up my things and move back, etc. After talking and hashing it out again, me crying, he said ‘let’s get your things’ but it was obvious he felt badly for me, and still wasn’t sure. And I told him that. And he dropped me back off at the place I am staying and drove away.

Now it’s been a week, and we’ve talked a few times, and I’m doing better with everything, feeling positive, working MYSELF and loving MYSELF. But now, what do I do about making contact to go and pack/move all of my things out of the apartment. I know this is an easy trap to have an excuse to contact him, but I need to know when he will not be around, so I can begin packing. He constantly says ‘don’t worry about it, find a place, there is no sense in moving twice, etc’ but having my things, the pictures of us, all those things that were ‘ours’ still around seems awkward to me. Is he so unsure that he doesn’t want me to move all my things out, does that make it all real and he’s not ready for that? I’m just not sure how to handle this gracefully, and with my heart and feelings intact.
Any advice would be appreciated.

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me yesterday. We were at uni together and then this year he’s started a new course elsewhere (40mins) away. He’d been avoiding me over the past few days because he didn’t know how to say it so I had to confront him (over the phone, our family homes are far away). “It” was “I love you, you’re the love of my life, but I don’t want to make it work anymore. I know I’m throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I just have this gut feeling. You’re the most important person in my life but I just can’t do it anymore.” Please help me. I am still at our uni because I wanted to stay close to him and I sacrificed so so much to make it work. He called me in the middle of the night to wish me happy new year and we just cried and cried to each other. he was my best friend and I’m lost now. I really really feel like I’m dying and I don’t know how to go back to the uni that we built our lives together in. Please help.

My girlfriend of three years and I broke up this past summer because I did not see things evolving to the next level. I was not ready to deepen our committment so I thought the right thing to do was to end things. After a couple months apart, I realized she was the one for me. We started seeing each other off and on and things were going fairly well so I asked her to get back together with me, move in together, and hopefully get married. I figured she would be happy but instead the opposite happened. She said she needed time to think and was confused and that there was a lot of pain to get through. I offered to pay for couples counselling which she said was a good idea but never went with me. We spoke off and on for the next couple of months but nothing changed, until a couple of weeks ago. We saw each other and the connection was still there for both of us. It was like we were never apart. However I could sense that I was not going to be the high priority in her life I once was. She even said that she does not think she could give me the time I expect out of her but I did not listen. All I wanted was a chance to be with her again. But two days ago I realized that even though things seemed to be getting better, I was in fact way down her list of priorities (she would forget to call me back, not call at all, etc.) I was initiating most of the communication so I told her this and things ended yet again. She said the timing was not right. I thought trying to move on was the right thing to do because I cannot live everyday hoping I might see her or she may call me. I need more of a committment than that, especially after three years. But now I feel worse than before. Maybe things were slowly being repaired and I pulled the rug out from under everything. Maybe if I just had some more patience things would have been fine. She won’t return my texts or calls now and I think she truly has had enough of me. I cannot believe I screwed this up yet again. There is no way she has any faith or trust in me at this point but I know we could be great together. The pain in unbearable and I don’t know what to do now. I figure no contact is the only way to go and then maybe in a couple months see what’s up, but I don’t think I can go that long without calling. I cannot believe how painful this is. I feel like I have messed up the most important thing in my life and there is no way to fix it.

@Phil -
Phil, it seems to me that your fiancee feels worried and insecure now, about whether she is attractive to you or in general, so all this jealosy is only the reflection of her insecurity. If you truly love her and want all this to work, why don’t you have an honest talk with her – not showering her with complaints which will only make things worse – but show and say that you love her for what she is, and the way she is, that you want to cherish and protect her, and that she is the most important person in your life. Maybe she lacks your words and gestures of reassurance – like a warm hug – ask her to tell you how she feels, and don’t criticize her for whatever she says, she maybe needs to pour it out. You don’t end a relationship if your partner loses self esteem, you help them regain it. Thats how i see it. Good luck.

@uncl99 –

You should understand that being dumped after 3 years of relationship is a huge insult. She feels very very hurt. You can’t just jump back to where you are and expect her to be and behave the same. She is deeply hurt, believe me. She still loves you, I am sure, but this pain twists the whole thing, and it’s hard to be happy and natural again. If you believe that she is love of your life, then in my opinion you should be prepared to be patient and respectful of her feelings and actions.

The fact that she does not return your calls indicates to me that she is very hurt and she needs more than just a signal from you like – oh, I changed my mind by the way, so let’s get together again, whats the problem. She has to heal the pain first, and have the space to decide what she needs and wants.

If I were you, I would first of all talk to her, and say that you understand how deeply you have hurt her, that you know that after this you cannot expect or demand anything. That you are sincerely sorry and would do anything you can to make it work. That you understand that she may need the space to think and that you would not pressure her. Let her say what amount of contact is comfortable for her. Then just step back and maintain the odd friendly contact, until she says or signals that she is ready for something else. Good luck to both of you.

Originally Posted By Eddie Corbano -

This is typical “Dumper-Behavior”.

They miss us, a part of them still love us, but not enough to give the relationship another try (this is the case in 98% of the dumpees I’ve worked with).

Still calling, saying we are special to them, saying they still love us, still wanting to be friends, these are all signs for a Dumper who wants to keep us in their life for dishonest reasons.

Many think that they do not have the strength to be alone. You would be surprised how many Dumpers want to be friends only for occasional sex or as a safe and easy alternative if the couldn’t find someone else.

That’s why No-Contact is by far the best solution for the Dumpee.

Getting back together has the best chances – if at all – after a long No-Contact period and a radical self-improvement procedure.

My girlfriend of 8 years left me in December ‘06, and to this day, she insists on contacting me for “a quick fling” whenever the opportunity presents itself.

We can’t force someone to love us, to be our friend or to treat us in the way we think we deserve to be treated. The modern overuse of the word “love” has watered-down its meaning.

I think it’s good advice to never underestimate our collective cruelty.

Living well is the best revenge.

I met my current boyfriend about two months ago on a bus ride back from a short holiday on the beach. I was instantly attracted to him, and perhaps he noticed, as mid-way through the trip, he approached me and we had a lengthy conversation, which continued on the subway and ended with an exchange of telephone numbers. I never expected or planned on getting together at that time. One week after, he called me and we just talked over the phone about how each other is doing. A few dates followed and, after a short trip I had out of state, we finally got together and a relationship started unfolding. In the beginning, I did not believe anything would work out — we were very different – I come from a middle-class family, went to a private college and plan on pursuing a graduate degree; he is a few years older than me, yet has not been to college yet and works a few part-time/temporary jobs. I mentioned a couple of times how our differences might be an issue and that I am not sure if I would like this to go on, but he begged me to give it a chance – and out of too many experiences when I did not, I decided to try and see where we go from there. In the beginning, I was very busy with work and did not have a whole lot time to go out, so my boyfriend came to see me at home, helping me out in any way he could. I began to realize what a kind a caring person he is, and somehow, I pushed my doubts back, and tried to ignore them. But they never left me – I had a career as a goal and when he eluded to his dreams of a wife and family, I felt a bit more insecure and had to repeatedly demand from him to swear he has no long-term plans about us. I liked being with him regardless – he is a very gentle person, and has showed me a lot of care during the last months. At the same time, I could not close my eyes for the divides between us – we were simply interested in different topics and activities and could not find a common ground easily. I often predicted the end of it, sometimes calmly, sometimes emotionally, as I began to realize over an over again that mutual growth was not happening. We seemed not to be learning from each other enough, and for me, this was a red light that our relationship was not what I wanted it to be, and more doubt if I should perpetuate this any longer if I am not satisfied with it. We had a number of little fights (mostly initiated by me) over very insignificant things, which left both of us sad. I started to question my readiness for this relationship but was lured into not pulling back from it, as my boyfriend and my friends told me how natural disagreements are in a relationship and how communication is key. On New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend and I went to a party a friend of mine organized. It was full of friends of mine from college and other recent graduates from local universities. I was caught in a bunch of interesting conversations and seeing my boyfriend doing the same, I was relieved he did not feel out of place. Soon I realized he did, however, and some of the people at the party noticed that, too. I felt a little bitter at the fact that I had had engaging conversations while dragging him out of his comfort zone. I began questioning it all again that night and it all ended in another fight, as we missed our last bus to go home (we live very close to each other). He arranged our transport and each one went back home, in silence. All my concerns came back again, as I felt I cannot share with him the interests I share with my friends and co-workers. I am considering a break-up, because I feel this relationship is not allowing me to grow in the ways I would like to, and I need more personal space for myself – for reflection and clarity. I don’t know how to tell him that, as I really want to keep him as a friend, but we already tried once and got back together within a week or so. I don’t see myself as a heartbreaker, yet I want this for me and for him, equally, as I believe he deserves a woman that would appreciate him more than I did, and would be able to be more fully committed to their relationship. My boyfriend is a wonderful person and needs a lot of love, (which he has been deprived of from his family for years). I constantly feel I cannot give him as much as he needs, and I want something better for him, too.

Well..havent been on here in a while. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE, fresh start with tons of fun to be had! Well..i made this deal with myself that i could mope and hurt and re-show everything in my head, what had happened with me and my ex and think about all the could have been’s and bits and bobs…until New year. Well… i did just that and as soon as new year hit i started my diet and im feeling so much better, almost over him even? It may seem crazy and unreal like im making it up, but it has really worked for me, im more positive already and i met this great new guy before new year (nothing serious) but everything seems to be getting better. I think im over my ex. What iv only recognised today is that im not inlove with him now, im just still hurt how somebody can feel so little for me? why didnt he love me anymore and how could he treat somebody so cruel? How could he feel so little for me? So..i had it confused, is that possible? Anyway, im working on that. I sent him an email, a humourous , friendly one, asking him how he is and if we could be friends, once again, i gave him until New year. fresh start and all? Still No reply, but i guess that’s a 50/50 thing? im sorta Glad? I dont keep thinking “oh he might feel he cant get intouch with me”…nonsense. He’s gone, and he wasn’t any good. Was just a bare faced liar. anyways, i hope everybody on this site, is feeling slightly better now its the new year, a fresh start. Love is out there again somewere, when the times right. For now, im just concerntrating on making myself happy. I gained alot from that sham of a relationship, and now im improving myself, hang in there guys, if i can bloomin do it, you can. lets hope it stays this way xx

@Anna –

Thanks Anna. Your perspective makes sense and I completely agree. Patience is not my strong suit so I admit I am being too pushy with her right now. She knows how I feel and the best thing is for me to just live my life, give her space, and hope she decides to accept me again. There are no guarantees but continuing to force the issue is not going to work either. It is just so hard to stay away or not contact her because I love her so much.

Me and this guy had been going out for 1 month. We both were scared that it might ruin our friendship but we ended up taking the chance. Everything was going fine and randomly he dissapears for a week or so without calling me like he normally does. I tell him when we finally communicated that we needed to talk and he instantly said yea i agree we should break up, right? I dont want it to jeopardize our friendship. When i heard that i was like what the heck?!?! But okay, cause im not gonna be making a boy stay with me so i said okay, yea, so i guess thats it. And we broke up.

Few weeks later, he still flirt with me every time i see him and he tells me that he gets jealous when i am on the phone talking to a guy-friend. Yet one day m friend unexpectedly (with me right infront of them) asked my ex if he misses me and if he wants to go out with me and he shook his head as if saying no. Whats his deal?! Either you like someone or no. You cant be in limbo with matters of the heart.

Please give me some insight or anything . I feel so powerless now since he is giving SUCH mixed signals, that idk what im SUPPOSED to do.

Im so close to giving up.

Hi
I am from the UK and never really been on one these sites before but am having a really hard time getting over my boyfriend of 2 years and it does help knowing your not the only one going through this although it does feel like it at the time!

My boyfriend cheated on me twice whilst I was awy travelling for a few months even though I gave him the chance to split before I went so that we could both do our own things – he didnt want to do that and when I got home I found out from all my friends who knew – I knew the girl aswell which makes it worse. Anyway he was grovelling so bad it kinda made me feel better and I decided to forgive him and try agin – only I didnt realise how insecure this was going to make me feel – he is in the armed forces so he was only here on a weekend with me although we had talked of moving in together etc. We argued so much over the last few months coz I just couldnt trust him and thought if he can cheat on me those two times why wont he do it again – all my self confidence and self esteem has left me and I dont really think I know who I am any more.

6 weeks ago we had a silly argument and I know he was looking for a way out as we had not been getting on and he saw his chance. We had two weeks of no contact then he started ringing my friends etc for my new number as I had changed it. He then turned up at my house and tis happened a few times – he is currently away for 4 months serving in the War in Iraq and said he wanted this time to sort his head out but he doesnt think he wants to sort it out with me but he will let me know!! I feel stuck in limb – very upset and hurt troubles eating and sleeping as I miss him so much and unsure whether to hold onto a little hope that he will decide he wants to sort things – when really I know deep inside he wont. I sfour months enough to try and force myself to move on and get over this? I dont want to be feeling like this when he gets back as it will take me right back tosquare one – as for the no contact thing thats in his court as I have no way of contacting him!!

Help!! x

Dear Eddie,

I can see you haven’t commented in awhile, can’t blame you–250+ posts is tough to respond to, but I’m extremely curious as to your notion of the “no friends after” rule after you read this. I have a brain buster for you. For 14 years, I’ve been friends with Jennifer. I was 17 and she was 15. We have been as close as you can be with someone with out having a “relationship”. There were years where we would talk at least once a day, sometimes more. I have had strong feelings for her since the beginning, and I know that she had some too, we just never acted on them, maybe for the sake of the friendship. After awhile, she met someone and ended up marrying him and had a child. A few years later I met my future fiancee, and started a new life myself. She ended up divorcing him because of his drug problem and after a couple of years, started a long distant relationship (CT to FL) with an old acquaintance. My relationship dissolved due to infidelity on my fiancee’s part and we both broke up with our significant others on the same weekend. The kicker is, neither one of us knew about each others breakup. About a week later we started a relationship together. In fourteen years we knew everything about the other and we both knew we were exactly what we were looking for. We were only together for two fantastic months when she decided to end it. That was two months ago. I’m absolutely devastated. She says she doesn’t know what she’s doing, her divorce really screwed her up, and she doesn’t know what she wants anymore. My question to you is, she has said that we shouldn’t talk for me to keep my sanity, but when we do it’s just like the great friendship we’ve had forever and she really doesn’t want to stop talking either. I’m don’t want to lose 14 years with the greatest person I’ve ever met. Is there a way to bend your “rule” about a complete break? I honestly can’t imagine my life without her in whatever capacity.

Thank You

Hi Eddie,
I just read your article and I need some advice- I dated a guy for 3 1/2 years, we lived together and my life pretty much revolved around him. He was very controlling and I sort of lost myself. We broke up in April, and now I feel like Ive lost myself even more. He desperatly wanted to get back together and since he had broked up with me once before, I said no. He recently moved out of state and I feel very alone even though I know its for the best.

Throughout the drama of the past few months of him trying to get back together with me I started seeing a new guy who I really liked. We had a lot of fun together but my ex continually would make me think that I was making a mistake. I would break up and get back together with the new guy constantly. Now that my ex has moved out of state I want nothing more than see the ‘new guy’ again but he said he wants nothing to do with me. I dont blame him- ive put him through alot..ive basically gone back and forth between 2 people for a few months. I know it sounds bad.

Now that neither guy is in my life I feel just awful. Im living by myself and Im really lonely. And on top of that I cant get the ‘new guy’ out of my head.

any adivice to get me through this?
I forgot to mention that while I was dating my ex, I lost alot of friendships because my world revolved aroung him. I dont have a lot of friends, and the friends that I do have are either married, or in serious relationships.

@megan -

I am so glad you shared your situation Megan. I am in exactly same situation, but a bit worse. I actually got back together with the first guy again, and it tore my heart even more. Now I broke up with him over Christmas, and working my way out of the pain and into the future.

What a great article! Thank you.

I have just broken up with a cheater (x3 times), controller, and a sweet talker, who was trying to buy me with material things, but could not commit. It has been a very difficult and painful process, but reading arcticles like yours and applying it into my life helps alot.

I just have a break up with my boyfriend, I thought that we were soul mate and that he would never do this to me. Before I started going out with this guy I was still mourning for my last boyfriend. Right now I’m feeling like crap, unaccepted, deniable, & myself steem at this point is way below -0 degrees. I like your site it’s very helpful & it make sense. So I hope I can pay it forward. Thank you very much for helping people like me Eddie Corbano. Keep up the great work. You have No idea how much this can save me, & family.

Hello, I am at a point in life where I am completely lost! my husband and I are currently not together because he says he can not be with me right now. I know that I have done things wrong in the relationship and this drove him to his decision. We are both in the military and he says after his year long deployment, he would be willing to try again, ONLY if I work on myself and do what I need to do to better myself. He says If I do everything that I need to do, then we will work. But if he truely loved me, would he be doing this??? Should I hold on to that hope that we will get back together or completely forget about him? He is the LOVE of my life, but im just scared of setting myself up for failure. Somebody please help me through my time of grief!

Well, it has been since September since my partner and I split up. It feels like yesterday and still hurts sometimes like the day that it all came about. We were married for close to 5 years and have raised two children together for that amount of time. I miss her everyday and still interact with her because of the kids. She is still very much active in their lives. She is “dating” someone else… the same person that she cheated on me with. Lately, we have been getting along really well… but I think that it sets me back… we do things together with the kids (which they love and I have to admit so do I) I know I have a lot to focus on within myself and I am trying… I just don’t know how to do the no contact when there are children involved and we still do things together with them… and lately we have hung out w/o the kids. When it is all said and done I feel empty and sad that this is no longer my life. I want to be strong and independent and confident in myself… and there is so much of me (if not all of me) that wants my marriage back. It sucks… any advice?

@sarah – Just remind yourself, the right guy would love you even for your faults and flaws, (unless you did some overly horrible things to bring him to his decision, like cheat, ect.) If you didn’t do horrible stuff like that, well.. then the right guy would stick by you and help you better yourself.

Tell him I said that if he wanted it to work out at all, (which it doesn’t seem like he cares), then he’d stay together and tell you the problems.

I don’t see any meaning to what he’s doing unless you’re unreasonable or stubborn or something. You know a lot better than I would so i’ll leave it to you to find out the reason and the problems.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and i am afraid that i made a horrible mistake. I broke up with him because he is in the military and i don’t get to see him much. He is currently deployed to spain and this is the longest we have gone without seeing each other. When he is in the U.S. he is on the east coast and i am on the west coast (virginia and california). Its not so bad when he is in the states but when he left it was much harder to cope with the distance. Lately i have been feeling like this is what the future would hold for the two of us if we stay together and i was afraid of that. I chose to end things with my best friend. There was nothing really wrong with the way we got along or the way we functioned as a couple. We are seriously best friends, i am just afraid that i will never get to see him like a normal couple gets to date each other. I have also noticed how much more i mean to him than he does to me. He always tells me that i mean the world to him and i have learned not to rely on somebody else to make me happy. I rely on him to “enhance” the happiness that i already have. That was probably the one and only thing that bugged me about him. Have i made a mistake?

in addition to the comment that i just left i wanted to ask you (eddie). Is it best for me to deal with the distance for now, since i have found what so many people try to find their entire lives. He is so great to me, whenever we are together i can not get enough from him but when we are apart i kind of lose that vision of why i should still be with him. Am i confused. Ahhh! i have never broken up with somebody before where it actually hurt me too. This is really rough!