does anyone have advice on how to deal with break-ups you, yourself initiated?
i just broke up with a boyfriend of 9 months, and he was head over heals for me. i had to end it because it didn’t feel right, but i can’t bear to live with myself knowing how much pain i caused him. someone help..

@anonymous – Almost sounds like you’re referring to me..
and I’d say, just let me recover, you’ve done enough already.

Hi Eddie. I read your article and it leaves me with some hope which I didn’t have much of a bit ago. It’s kind of ironic to me however that my ex and I tried taking this approach in our lives but ended up working at making each other happy instead of our-selves. He is a recovering heroine addict and I though I’d play hero and “help” him in his recovery. Things were actually magical with us. Then one day he (out of no where) starts accusing me of telling lies and doing drugs and he called me horrible names and said other terrible things to me. It started as little spats and I was able to calm him down and he would apologize and tell me it would never happen again. Instead it got worse and became more often. After this last time I had to let him go. He was scaring me and my daughter. But I hurts so bad I think because I know I can’t take him back even if he drops that heartfelt apology on me again. At the same time I still love him so much. I am going to look for myself no matter how much it hurts to get my butt out from under the covers. Thanks so much for listening.

Hi, I’m 40 something and recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. I guess that we broke up since I haven’t heard from him in 10 days. Intially I tried calling, texting and emailing to no avail. Even tried reaching him at his job with no success. I guess what bothers me the most is the lack of common courtesy. He could have at least ended it! He came on strong in the beginning we had even used the l word frequently. He often talked about us getting married in fact he actually proposed! I’m having a very tough time with this one. I hadn’t dated in about five years prior to this relationship, it took a lot for me to put my self back out there again. I really don’t want this bad experince to keep me from dating again I survived a bitter divorce and would still like to remarry someday.

@georgina –

If you truly love this man, I wouldnt be so quick to give up. My father volunteered to spend a year in Iraq, he spent a year in Germany. He spent time traveling out of state for work and coming home on weekends. My parents are soo much in love and retired now. I look at the sacrifices they made and worth it, it all was. I am in medical school, I have been away from the person I care about for a year and a half now, he is having a hard time, and yes I miss him terribly, but I am strong and know it isnt forever. the distance doesnt change the love I have.

@Victoria –

Hey…
I just read your posting…how are you doing now? We have tons in common. I flet like I was reading my own story…except I’ve was with my guy for 9 years..we were engaged..and he blamed the whole break-up on the fact that i’ve changed??? This just happened a week ago. Now we are trying to sell our house. I’m only 24 years old and I feel like I have nothing. He has been my whole life.. my life revolved around him and always has. What do I do now??

@A – @Kelly –
As hard as it is remember that you will be better off in the end. You have the strength and will to care for yourself. I just keep reminding myself how good it feels to prove to myself I don’t need a man to be happy and to change the light bulbs. As much as I want him there and love him I just can’t live the rest of my life that way and neither can you. I know how badly you want him to know its not your fault because I as well couldn’t give up with out that fight. However it doesn’t make it feel any better in the end. Just know that the sun shines for you and your young and have a ton of time! I still cry myself to sleep sometimes even realizing it really is over. I miss him even remembering the shit he said and did to me and my daughter. Our worlds have collapsed now we have to prove to ourselves we are stronger than even we know!

@A – If you’ve been with him since you were 15, then my god, of course you would have changed! But you would have changed the most when you were 17-20 in my opinion, so why bring this up now…

Sorry you have to go through all that, 9 years is a long time and i’d hate it if someone I loved just turned around and said “it’s over” after almost a decade together.

The only thing I can think of is carry on, maybe talk to people, try to be alone as little as possible. I think it would take the better part of a year to get over any of those break-up feelings.

You sound like a nice person though, and you’ll find happiness eventually. Perhaps someone even more deserving, who loves/treats you much better.

@Rachel -

Hi Rachel,
I read your note and I must confess I had the same issue in my relationshi of one year and a half. I made the rational decision to leave him and i have been hurting tremendously for 3 weeks now. I wanted to see how are you feeling now. are you back together or have you moved on to something better? Please share!
thanks,
tina

Hello everyone. I just want to say thank you to those that have responded to my post. Is it crazy that I still hav a part of me that wants him to say he’ll try to go talk to a professional about our problems??? I just dont understand how after 9 long years together, after he proposed, after we bought a house, etc. he doesnt want to ty and make it work? Why now? Why me? I have revolved my life around him for 9 years. I lost all my friends (b/c now my girls friends are all the g/f or wives of HIS friends. I moved 2 hours away from my family to stay with him when his job transfered him. I quit college and got a full time job to help support us while the job was getting started. Now we are living in the same house (trying to sell it) and I have no-one. When it does sell I have no friends back home to help me. I do have family, and they are great…but great friends are hard to find. I am so lonely. All that is going to change for him is where he sleeps. I gave up my whole life to be with him and now I have to quit my job, leave my friends, and move back in with my parents. I know I am only 24…but I feel like I have to start all over again. He is being SO MEAN to me. This break-up seems like it’s not even affecting him. Please what shoud I do. I am in so much pain. I just want him to try and understand me and how I feel. After 9 years it’s like I mean nothing to him. Why doesn’t he want to ty and makeit work??? Please someone…what should I do???

@A –

Dear A,

I know exactly what you are going through as my situation is very similar (see my posting on Dec 9/08). I too invested 9 years of my life, purchased a home, etc. with my boyfriend and thought we were planning our future together. Everything you have said about treating you cruelly, your pain, his behaviour as if 9 years meant nothing and he is not affected by the break up, is exactly what I too am experiencing. My breakup was just over 4 months ago and I still struggle from day to day.

Honestly, although difficult, you need to get out of your home that you share ASAP as this is not helping with your healing process. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to have to see him every day and feel like you are meaningless in his life. Get out, cut off contact with him and focus on yourself and your needs. I would love to correspond with you if you need to talk with someone who is going through almost the exact same situation. Only difference is that I am 45 yrs old and my ex is living 10 blocks away from me. But, he is still in contact and I’m certain that you and I are sharing similar ups and downs from one day to the next.

If you want to chat privately via e-mail, let me know and we can exchange addresses.

Darlene

@A –

Dear A, I was with someone for 9 1/2 years, we were engaged, we had just bought a brand new car, he just baptized my nephew with me, and we had just spent a month with his family going over our wedding plans which was 5 months in the future. He came home one day and told me he had cheated on me and that she might be pregnant and that he wanted to be with her (she was married at the time) . I was devestated. He moved her in the day after I moved out. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Two and a half months later she finally did get pregnant. I spent the next year watching them do everything we had always planned on doing together. It was a small town and I got to see and hear everything. A week before my son was born, they got married. I spent 2 years in grief and counseling. There were times I didnt think I would survive the sadness. When my son was 2 1/2 years of age, I moved out of state. This was the turning point in my life. I didnt realize until that moment that my grief process hadnt even begun. At this moment I got rid of everything that I had from him. My son is 12 years old now, and I am completely over it. I rarely even think of him. My son visits him most summers but for the most part he is not a part of our world, in fact I dont even talk to him, my parents do the drop off so that I never have to see him, and I speak to his wife if I ever need to discuss something which rarely happens. I know if may not seem like it right now, but time does heal, and there will come a day when you will look back and realize that leaving was the best thing that you could have done. Grieve, cry, get angry and then let go. Time heals all wounds.

Hiya, dont think anyone will remeber me now, i havent wrote on here in a couple of months, im kinda.. in a weird mood all the time. its been 7 months. And i still think of rob EVERYDAY…every single day, not just once either, atleast 20 times a day. I dont think im getting over this although the pain is going, he isnt going away from my thoughts. My plan is, to get thin and nice for october, re-add him to facebook/myspace (due to long distance) and hopfully if im good enough, he’l wanna try again. he was pretty vain. he was an arse tbh, but i love him no matter what his faults may be , i’m stupid. i know. Eddie, or somebody, can you give me advice , do you think my plan could work. any advice or anything will do. im just fed-up with this situation, i wanna move on or get him back, i dont want to be stuck at the point im at anymore. i cant move on. HELP!! xx

@anonymous –
When I read your story… I just shivered, honest. I imagined what you went through. I can also see how long it takes to truly get over someone you loved, and who betrayed you like this. How did you cope with this? But i also admired how strong you were to leave that person, and to go on with your life.

I do think now – we all grieve when we lose our ex’s. But it’s really a blessing that they are no longer in our lives. If someone could act like this to you – it is better to know early what material this person is made of…

Take care. You are right. Time heals all wounds, even deep ones.

Dear Anna,
It helps to know that you are not alone. Surround yourself with friends and family. There may be times you need to talk about the same thing over and over again until you are finally done with it. I also tried new strategies to deal with the sadness. I stopped watching movies that evoked emotional responses. I stopped listening to music and started listening to books on tape. When I would think of him I would “thought switch” and try to think of something different. In time it got easier. If you ever need to vent, feel free to email again. Take Care

@Chelsea Kelly –
Hi Chelsea, of course I remember you! My breakup is almost one year old, but he is still on my mind every moment of every day. But it’s no longer that painful, it’s way better. When I think back what I went through it’s like a big black hole I emerged from. It was SOOOO heart wrenching – my body and my heart and head were hurting like hell every day. Now it’s better, but it still hurts.

I noticed – it does help with no contact. And what Natalia is writing about – it does help a lot (I do agree with you Natalia – the choice of music is so important, it can kill you or save you).

I must admit though that I expected it to heal much quicker – never thought it would take a YEAR to only calm down a small bit. But then – I am what I am, I do love intensely and deeply, thats why healing is so hard. I guess it’s the same case with you Chelsea, you’ve been attached to him too much. And you know, when you are in a long distance relationship, you learn to love “by memory”, and this memory stays with us.

Chelsea, live your life, enjoy yourself. You will think of your ex all the time, this is inevitable. When October comes, you will consider it again whether you actually want him back. Maybe you’ll get over him by that time, or find someone else, who is much better!

Good luck, take care

@Natalia –
Well done Natalia, glad to see you are in control of things that can influence your mood. This is so important, and very few of us can say “stop” to all those romantic memories or songs… and they are like salt to our wound.

You are so right. Good luck.

I have just broke off a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. I thought the world of her. But for some reason we fought over stupid things. BUt we got over them and I found it made us stronger. But we are over now, the worst thing about it I find is that I lost my best friend. The person that I shared everything to. Now she isnt a part of my life anymore. But I am working throught it and these posts and this website def helped me out. Bye for now.

@B –

Hi B,

I know how hard it is to lose someone in your life that you have been with for a long time. I know what you mean when you say you have lost your best friend..me too. Sometimes I think that if you fix the problem once and it doesn’t work, then maybe it’s never going to. I dunno…I guess I should listen to my own advise ( check my posts) . But in the end you sound like a great person… in your next relationship just make sure you find someone who will want to try just as hard as you do to keep it together. I think in the last couple I weeks I have realized that myself. If you are the onlyone in a relationship that wants to try and fix things, we’ll then it’s not going to work. Good luck to you. You sound like a great guy. Your next g/f will be lucky to have you. Keep smiling.

A

hi, well i just got dumped from a 15 year relationship.. about 2 weeks ago.. and then he tells me he is already in a new relationship with someone else and has slept with her already, the pain in his eyes when he told me was horrendous, we left each other with massive hugs and tear and few small kisses, he said he loved me and i loved him, and that was it… the thought of him being with anyone else makes me feel so ill.. and i am holding onto any chance that we could get back together… its just bloody crap!!

.@A -
Thanks alot. i just need to fnd the right girl. Someone who will love me as much as i love them. Its going to be hard, but ill make it though and find someone else that will be willing to try just as hard as me. thanks for your comment

@Anna –

Thanks Anna, Its nice that you reply, your a great girl. i think this will take me about….5 years at this rate lol il keep updating every so often, how are you?

@paula –

Hey Paula,

I just read your post. I am so sorry. I to know what it is like to be dumped from a long term relationship. (read my previous posts). That was just three weeks ago. We still have to live in the same house until we sell it. I feel the same way as you. It makes me sick to my stomach evertytime I think about him wuth someone else. It is probably what bothers me most about not being with him. I totaly get what you are saying. But you are not alone. Trust me. I am in the same boat. If you ever want to chat…please let me know. Maybe we can help eachother get through this.

Dear Paula,
My ex did the same thing to me, and held on until 8 months later when he married her, which forced me to let go. The tears were just his way of letting go.

Thank you to both of you! the comment on the sleeping bit, is very true… it makes me feel disgusting…i am not sure on the tears front…as unfortunatly for him, i know him too well and he does not let himself go at all.. he bottles it all up and then explodes…he has known her well for 3 months.. and is about to jump in feet first… i am scared for him ,let alone myself and where i live in the countryside.. there is no one to talk to .. drives me slightly mad!.. didnt have so many tears yesterday though! xxxx

I feel a little insulted by your dumper comments. I ended my 3 yrs rship last week and I am devasted!! I didnt want to but had to for my sanity.

early 2006 when i was 19 i met my ex who was then 21, and within 4 months i moved 200 miles to live with him. After 6 months he moved back to his parents as he couldnt cope financially. I made the decision to find my own place in his town and make a go of it. He planned to pay his debts and look at house spring 2009.

Anyway, all was good until end of 2007 (together 1.5 yrs)…. he started smoking (weed) a lot more, argueing with me and sex when downhill. We still spent time together mid week and 1 in 2 wkend together going clubbing or staying in etc – and hed do the “boyfriendy” things like rub my feet after a day at work. however i always felt something was missing. i tried to talk to him on many ocassions but it didnt work. By around sept of 08 things were dire… he was cnancelling on me left right and centre, he was telling me he had no money for things such as a meal or few drinks downt he pub, yet always had money for his mates etc.

it is now spring 09 and if anything he is more in debt than when we libed ttogether. he had sold his car a yr ago to use some cash to pay off some debt. instead he spent it on a holiday in spain, which although i was invited to by other people, he didnt want me to go to.

A few weeks ago we went for a period of a fortnight of barely speaking and didnt see each other. on the night he did come round for the first time in 2 weeks we had a fight and i angrily finished it on facebook (yes, i know!!!) but then immediatly regretted it and text him saying we need to talk. It was only the next day i realised all out mates and family members wud see it… of course he found out and was very very angry at my disrespect and i hold myhead up to that!!!

Anywa, he came round last night for a “clear the air chat”. It was very very sad but also a releif but now im left with a gapping hole. In this chap we laughed and cried a lot – i dont doubt for a minute he cheated or didnt love me. He admitted he took me for granted, admitted hed probably lost sight etc, and deeply loved me. but there was no talk of sorting things out. His sister and mum hate me too due tot he facebook issue. He is devasted he wont see my parents again as they were very close, especially him and my dad. He told me that i was too good for him, and if he ever meets anyone half as special as me hes gona make sure he never looses her. Makes me feel gutted that he cudnt work this out first.

I am now left with a decision of stay in this town (which to be hoenst iv never settled in and dont have many friends in) with a job that isnt that stable but ok money, or move back to the paretns where il be back on public transport, no job, small bedroom, back to my old life and feeling a failure. I wont be escaping home as i have so many memories of him there too as we visited my parents regularly.

When he left my house we hugged good bye and it ws the closest heartfelt hug we have had in almost half a year. I hadnt seen him cry in 2 yrs.

It boiled down to the fact that even though we both essentially wanted the same thing together (house, kids, successful jobs) i was ont he road a bit quicker than him. Funny really as for 6 monhs or so i had been fantasizing about ending it and moving back to my roots and now its happening i have this gapping void where i am missing him deeply. i think we both know its too far to recover now… akthough my dad and my sister beleive we are throwing something good away and are going to contact him tonight to suggest counciling. That wont go down well but he hasna good rship with my dad and sister so i know it wont go down badly.

its just that glimmer of hope that i know i really shouldnt have but do.

so please, think before you say the dumper doesnt feel pain, and that we get over it quicker. or even that the dumpee deserves better because its the dumpers fault. I am actually feeling pain to the point i have to hold my breath because my chest is so tight.

My wife broke up with me I cant not talk to her because we haven’t gotten a divorce yet and she has stuff at my house. She acts like we never happened and just says shes dealing with it in a different way. She lost her car and her job since she left and all she does is goes out every night and drinks. It’s been like 2 months and every time I start to get over her, she calls me which starts the emotions all over again. She says she is trying to figure things out. I ask her if she wants to work things out because I think its worth a chance before the big d. She just says she doesn’t know and that she will give it another chance, she just doesn’t know when. Please help, It is tearing me up inside but when she calls or makes contact the next few days are so hard to not call her.

I have been dating a married man twice my age (m 26) for 8 months. he’s got two grown up kids and a lovely wife whom I got to meet once..We never thought we’d fall in love but unfortunately it happened and changed our entire life routine..we have so much in common and can’t imagine living apart..there isn’t a single thing about him that I don’t like..I’ve been so consumed in the relationship that it’s hurting my PhD studyings and my social life..things are worse on his side..He used to be on of the most successful managers in my country but this relationship has had a negative impact on his work life too..coz he just wants to spend time with me and ignores his employees.. recently his wife found out about me (we’ve been playing hide n seek all these months)..she was extremely hurt (she attempted suicide) although she didn’t know the depth of the relationship..I had to lie to her and said that I’d be living the country just to make her happy..she’s very nice and an example of a great loyal wife and I can’t see myself hurting her again..we’ve tried breaking up a couple of times for the sake of his family but it always ended up in tears and make up..he says he can’t see his life without me and I can’t either but as you might agree, this is a wrong relationship and can hurt many..we can’t see a future together and we’re in tears on a daily basis..today he came to my flat at 5 in the morning and I told her I couldn’t do it anymore..he laughed coz he didn’t believe me but I think I’ve made up my mind this time..I want us to get back to our normal lives but donno how..my situation is sort of different from others coz I can’t list the things I don’t like about him and he has never hurt me and m the happiest girl with him.. unfortunately I can’t get help from anyone coz I’ve been hiding this from all my friends and family.. I was hoping you could give me some advice..how can I get over this break up? m in a terrible state..

@William –

William I think that you need to put your foot down. How long does she expect you to wait? I mean come on, you sound like a great guy and she obviously has no respect for you if she is stringing you along with no promise of trying to work things out. If she says she wants to work things out…then why doesnt she start to try now? Why wait? Don’t let her walk all over you. I know its hard, but stay strong. I am in a similar situation right now. I was in a 9 year relationship, we were engaged, own a house, etc. and three weeks ago he ended it..like he doesn’t even care. the hard part is we still live in the same house until it is sold. So I know what you mean by when talking to her it brings back all the feelings…but try to be strong. Don’t give in unless she really really in her heart wants to work things out. If you force the issue it will only prolong the pain. I know how hard it is. I am trying to stay strong myself. Good luck. You’re not alone… be strong and never forget that you deserve to be with someone that really truly loves you and will stand by your side no matter what.

A

My first love broke up with me a few days ago (on the day he said he was going to propose, so you can imagine how I felt). We were long distance and before he visited (he came to visit his family who lives in the same city I do) he said he could not wait to see me and that he was waiting to hang out with me. I know that the reason for the breakup was that his family did not approve and were violently opposed to us (basically because they wanted someone with money and connections for their son) and not the long distance (we were actually managing quite well). I knew his family was opposed but he convinced me he could handle it. Now when I look back, I realize he was not strong enough for me and the signs were there, in the end I fought hard for the relationship and he just gave up and gave in. I know I would not be happy with someone who ultimately could not stand up for me, or for us. He said I was the best thing to have happened to him, but he could not continue hurting me because of his parents. When I look back at the relationship, I do realize that the signs of his being weak were always there and that I always saw them, but whenever I confronted him, he convinced me everything would be ok, he would do the ‘right thing’ and not give in to his parents’ demands since they were incredibly unjust and without merit. Also, even though there were several occasions I grew frustrated at his handling of his parents and thought about leaving him, the idea of being ’single’ stung. I did not want to let go of being a couple. Yes, I realize I was using the relationship as a way to define me and now I know what not to do next time around. Anyhow, he did quite the opposite and it was an incredibly painful breakup, with him and I crying inconsolably. My parents had to come to pick me up as I was in no state to drive home. I am 26 years old and I felt like my life was ending and sometimes still do. But, two days later, I decided that I do not want to let this define me, I quickly enlisted the support of several friends and family, I have had so many people call me to ask me how I am, making plans with me. I know for a fact that he will not attempt at reconciling, his parents’ hold on him is too strong (in this day and age you would think someone would be able to stand up for the person they loved and believed in). I don’t doubt that he was not sincere, or that he did not love me, but apparently not enough to fight for me. In his eyes, I think he felt he was being a martyr – giving up his happiness to save mine. Maybe he is and maybe someday I’ll thank him for it, I don’t know. I realize he did not know who he was, that’s why he could not stand up for me and that ultimately, in my heart, I would probably not have been happy. I am trying SO HARD, pushing myself almost to lead a normal life. The minute I feel weak, I reach out to someone, a friend, a parent, or my brother. The tears have not stopped, as the loss of some of the things which I held so precious to me is painful. The fact that he will never call me again, or that I will never hear him say I love you, have a great day at work each morning, or that I will never see him online on msn, it hurts so much. I am so tempted to jump into another relationship, but I do know I am not emotionally whole yet to be able to offer another person the love I know I can offer but not right now. I will inadvertently compare everyone to him and be even more miserable. My family is actually pretty surprised that I am more composed than they thought I would be. I have not held anything back, I cry when I feel like it, I express what I am feeling to close family and friends. I accept that I am grieving but am trying SO SO SO SO SO HARD to get back on track. The minute I start wondering how he is feeling, I change my thoughts and am like, no, I need to focus on how I AM FEELING. Now is the time to focus on me and my life. During the relationship, I do see that I always focused on making sure his needs were met and that mine were always secondary. I am well-educated, on the way to a successful career, have an AMAZING support network, and now am trying to get myself ready to live, and love again.

@A – Thank you I hope everything goes great for you. It must be very hard to live with him esp. if he brings home other women.

@tj – I can totally relate to you. I am of South Asian origin too and I had the exact same issue, my parents ok, his weren’t. The day he was supposed to meet my parents, he bailed. This happened just a few days ago, and my heart is breaking so much. I really loved him and cared for him unconditionally. The weird part is that when I think of some of the good times, it does not hurt as bad as I expected it to, still hurt, but not that sort of paralyzing sort of hurt, so I think that’s step 1. I think you, as much as me, realize that we need strong men, who can take care of us, and love us the way we love them. I loved my ex to death, and even people around me would comment on how devoted and committed I was. But then I recall, how many times, the relationship was on HIS terms. Even if we got married, I would have probably compromised and given up a lot, but then I would not have been optimally happy and I need to be with someone who can love me the way I love him. I now remember how many times I cried during the relationship, even my parents commented that they had never seen me cry that much. So I know, while I cry now over the demise of this relationship, my tears will eventually end. I used to defend him by saying, the reason I am crying now is because his parents are being so difficult, I now realize that if he was truly truly worthy of me, he would make sure he gave me confidence and courage. After all, as a friend said to me once, a relationship is about two strong people being like two powerful vines around a tree, holding it up (sounds corny but the imagery is pretty apt). Each is strong, but combined, have the power to do anything. And while everyone says that the relationship should not define you, it SHOULD make you strongER. It should make you bold. I never had that feeling, I was always nervous and jittery about the future, and it was his responsibility to ensure that I should not be. I certainly made sure he had no doubts about our future, or my commitment and my ability to fight for US. But, the fact that you mention that he met your parents reluctantly also struck a chord with me, as that is what happened with me. Even though he knew my parents, he would barely meet him, insisting we meet at the location (ok once in a while, but not all the time). We were long distance, so when he came to visit, there were times he would not even say hello to them, which is very disrespectful. Hang in there, and we will find guys who are willing to literally jump through fire for us!

@Sarah
Your situation is same as what I am in right now. A really rejected and helpless situation!!!

I had a conversation with my girlfriend of 7 years yesterday and she said that she was not sure if she wanted to be with me. She said that a guy she wants must be mentally matured and stable. We both are nearly the same age and were together since college. We’re 25 now and her parents have started looking out for a good alias for her. She is scared to tell her parents about me even when they asked her if she liked someone. She is not telling her parents about us because her parents believe that a guy, only elder to her can be mentally matured and stable. And that’s the kind of guy her parents are looking out for. She fears that if she tells them about me then the situation would get worse and would force her parents to commit to someone really quick. But she seemed like she did not want them to commit to someone quickly because she did not want to get married anytime before middle of next year. She seemed that she would be ready to marry anyone who her parents chose for her without a word and if it we’re me then it’s fine else she wouldn’t mind letting go.
We nearly broke up early last year and I was reduced to tears. It struck me like a bolt of lightening and any attempt I made to even speak to her was turned down vehemently. We never got physical in the whole of our relationship. I did not want to either because I respected her feelings and integrity. One day I just asked her to come to my place after college since there was no one at home. She was apparently unwell that day which I didn’t quite notice that day. She took my invitation as an attempt to getting physical and decided to break up. I was shattered. But had to give up on calling her or trying to get close to her because it was futile. I just started getting along life but was feeling really lonely. I used to party around with friends but it did me no good because I was just not able to cope up.
Then one fine day, after a month, she calls me up as she needed some help with a few things. I put in my everything to get things done for her even to the extent of getting warnings from my boss at work. She got very responsive and I asked her again and she was fine with it. This rekindled things and we were together again.
And now again things are on the verge of going bad. Last time she had a reason to firmly break up. But now she is doing it graciously by telling me that I am not mature enough for her. I am just not able to understand how does age matter when it comes to mental maturity. We have been along for 7 years now and she has always told me that I understand her well which I do. And the only reason I can think of now that she wants to break up is that she wants change. I’m not one of the good looking guys out there and she said that a good physique is something that her parents would consider important. But this is a very painful truth at least for me at this stage. This tells me that along these years I failed miserably to nurture love between us and that she doesn’t look up to anything that we shared for such a long time. She took 7 years to conclude that I may not be mature enough for her, but I wonder if she would be able to tell, in a span of a couple of meetings or even over a couple of months, if the guy her parents pick for her would be really mature.

@anonymous – Thank you so much, we are back together, i will keep your parents experience in mind when i am dealing with my own. Long distance relationships are extremely tough and hard to do. I just hope i have made the right decision.

@Lena – In the post you said that the man is twice your age and has older kids (your age?). Ask yourself this question. How would you feel if your dad was sneaking around with another women while your faithful loyal mom waits at home for him everyday? What would you want to say to that woman? What would you hope for that woman to do?
If you are truly wanting to end this relationship, STOP LYING! If you are going to end the relationship end it. I don’t blame the wife for attempting suicide, i have seen wives go through such a depression. IT IS BAD. you will find another man (not the same hopefully – if he cheated on her what makes you think he won’t on you? – se). If he is still living at his house with his wife, that means they are trying to work things out.
You asked “how can i get over this breakup? As you may have found on this website each piece of advice states that you should cut all lines of communications with that person for the healing process to begin.
I have lived in this situation (as the grown up kid). As you start getting weak and want to call, think of all the harm you are doing to those grown up kids and their mom.
Best of luck to you. You are making the right choice and focus on your Phd for now.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months. The first 3 months were so passionate and promising. These last 2 months, have been like watching someone you love just slip away. When we first met, we did not have an expectations. We just got to know each other and the more time we spent together, the closer we got. Currently we live about an hour apart, which makes things difficult at times but I have always believed that if you love someone, you can make anything work. I am 31 and have been divorced for 7 yrs. Been in several relationships since then but I honestly never thought that I could fall in love with another woman until I met Kaye. I’m a man who is honest with anyone who I have an intimate relationship with. It does not matter if it is my brother, cousin, life-long friend or my woman. Now the last two months, we started spending less and less time together. She would tell me she’d call me in the evening and I wouldn’t hear from her until the next day saying “she fell asleep and that she’s sorry.” This kind of thing has happened several times. More times than I can keep track of. There have been times when we were supposed to see each other and it would not happen. Whats worse is the fact that, I wouldn’t even get a call until the next day! I expressed to her several times how important keeping her word is to me. Not just about calling me or us spending time together but anything. I mean if I can’t trust what you tell me then what do I have? This last month has by far been the worst time since we’ve been together. She has started hanging out with her girlfriends more and more with us seeing us each other less and less. There was a time when Kaye made me feel special. She made me feel as though all she wanted was for us to be together and for our relationship to become stronger. Recently, she has made me feel anything but special. Her actions began to make me feel as though spending time with me was now 10th on her priorities list. We went from seeing each other 2-3 times a week to once a week. I’ve told her so many times about these changes in our relationship and how they were affecting me. She would listen to me, sometimes she would get emotional but nothing ever happened. No changes were ever made. My self-esteem started to drop because of this and each week has gotten worse than the one before. I started to feel like something was going on. My gut was telling me that something was going on. I didn’t have any proof all I had was the knowing of how she was with me at one time and how she was interacting with me now. Which were like night and day. These thoughts began to consume me, and eventually after getting no answers from Kaye I went looking for them on my own. Wednesday morning, I broke into her email account. (Drastic times call for drastic measures!) It took me a few tries but I got in. This was the first time that I have ever done something like this and to say I felt akward is an understatement. At first, nothing. After a few pages, I see that see is getting mail from Eharmony and that she has not looked at any of it. Then I turn to the next page and see that see has not only looked at a few of the messages she has also put of some pics of herself. All of this was done by her on Valentines Day. At around the same time I was buying her gifts, she was setting up a new profile to meet men! To say that I was caught off guard would be the understatement of the year! I am still in total shock. Thats one thing, but thats not it. After I picked myself off the floor and got back into my chair, I resume searching. I came across an email from a “friend of hers.” The email said that “I just wanted to give you a visual reminder of what we both know you are getting for X-Mas. Now if I only knew what I am going to get to unwrap for X-Mas.” With the message was an attachment. The attachment was a picture of a Coach purse set. Big bag and two smaller ones. She did get this during december but she told me that it was her “treating herself!” At this point, I was blind with hurt and anger. I could not see straight. All I wanted to do was to confront her immediately but I couldn’t. I discovered all of this Wednesday morning and would not see her until that night at the earliest. At this point we had not seen each other since last friday. Anyways, I managed to keep it all together while we talked back and forth during the course of the day. The whole time, I’m thinking about what I have seen and read with my own eyes. To be honest with you all, I had this elaborate plan of what I was going to ask her, in what order and so on. She did in fact come over that nite but it wasn’t to stay it was just to stop over for a bit. I knew that I had to bring this up to her. I felt like I couldn’t hold all of this in another hour yet alone another day! I asked her several questions such as “what do you need from me that you feel you’re not getting? What can I do to make you happy and so forth.” She told me that she was happy and there was nothing else I needed to do. I then asked her if thats the case, why do you now have a profile on Eharmony? At first she thought that I was looking on there myself and came across her profile. She was laying down on my bed when I turned my monitor towards her where she could see that I was in her account. At first she was so cool and casual without a care in the world. The moment that she realized I was in fact in her Eharmony account, her eyes got 3 times bigger than they normally are. It is something that I will never forget. She gave me a couple of “weak” explanations as to why she recently set up this account. At this point, i’m in full battle mode. I know that whatever she says to me is going to hurt me but I gotta know. I just gotta know. She got up to put her socks and boots on and as she was doing this, I asked her about the friend who bought her this purse set. She said “I see you’re looking thru my shit. I’m leaving now.” At this point, I felt as though she did not give a damn about me or my feeling at all. I grabbed all of her things out of my closet and put then in a bag for her. I also picked up her purse and the Valentines Day gifts I had brought for her and threw them out of my door. At this point, I knew that I was not going to get any honest answers from her and that she didn’t even want to deal with me at the moment when our relationship was in “critical condition.” At this point, I flipped out and grabbed her cellphone. I ended up smashing it to the floor. I know now that the reason I did this was because I felt totally helpless and it was the only thing I could do at the moment to get her attention and to make her see how upset I was. All of this has just happened but I have been replaying it in my mind over and over. I wonder if I should have brought up the guy and the purse first? I have thought about that 100 times since the other night. I know that if I did and she would have treated it like nothing everything would have been much much worse than it is! When I asked her about him she told me that he’s just a friend of hers and that she isn’t going to talk about it with me. Talk about respect huh? I am 31 years old and I have never ever met a man who spends $500.00 on gifts for a woman he is just friends with. I will never believe that bulls*&t. Going thru this with her has brought out an intensity and anger in me that I thought I had long gotten rid of. This guy who she’s “friends” with, I tried to contact him by email wednesday night. Telling him who I was and so forth. I even went so far as to call his house! But I didn’t get him, a woman answered the phone. Then I did some investigating and found out where he lives and so forth. The woman that lives there with him has the same last name as he so i’m gonna go ahead and assume that they are married. One thing about me is that I absolutely hate disloyal people. It is one of those things that I cannot seem to change about myself. Its in my core. With that being said, I am seriously comtemplating letting his wife in on his activities. I think she would appreciate it don’t you? As of last night, our relationship is over. I told her that I wanted so much to be able to trust her and everything she told me but that I couldn’t nor do I think that I ever could now. I also told her that everything that we have been thru and did for one another meant nothing. I told her that I never wanted to hear her voice again. Our relationship has been on “life support” for sometime now. The plug has been pulled and its all over. Now, I have to do the no contact rule with her. Not only do I have to practice it but I feel as though I have to live by it for my sanity! To all of you who were true to your partners and who are truely suffering, I feel your pain.

I need advice….I have been seeing someone on and off for 10 years (long story). Anyways, I am in another state getting my doctoral degree and he is back home. I have been away for a year and a half, and I will be here for another year. He recently started tutoring his previous realtors daughter and has started up a friendship with this person. Everytime I turn around, she is there helping him pick out paint, tile for his house. Dropping off movies, and I just found out they recently watched a movie together. I am sure there is more I dont know about. Isn’t this weird behavior for a woman who is married with kids. Shouldnt she be home with her family instead of spending soo much time with him. We are not in a committed relationship right now, but simply trying to figure out if we can rekindle what time and circumstance has done with our relationship. Despite that, I find her behavior inappropriate. I feel like they are in a emotional relationship either driven by loneliness or convenience. He is lonely and alone because I am not there (he doesnt have many friends), and she is in a loveless marriage (I think) Am I rightto feel this way? What do you think? What should I do?

@Eddie Corbano -

I love what you said to her about letting it all go. I am trying to let go of a relationship that has caused me so much pain for 10 years. I dont know why I hold on. I want to let go, and move on, but sometimes its easier to be just friends and not have to go through with the grieving process, but I still feel pain and sorrow daily. I dont know how to start letting go. The last time we called it quits., we stopped all contact for 8 months and I was finally starting to feel better when I received an email. Within seconds tears were flowing down my face, and it was like no time had passed at all. All the emotions came back in a flood. Now it has been so hard to get passed a week of no contact. I dont know how to do this, or start, or go through with it. I dont have a support system, I dont have any friends left, I am all alone in this state going to school and studying all the time. I have no life outside of school. I am raising a child on my own, and the little time I have goes to him. I do have a lot of stress and pressure on me all the time, and grieving seems to add to this. There is soo much more to the story than I can write down. Its just soo hard to initially let go and stay gone.

Thank you so much Joseph reading this really help my life and made me feel a whole lot better. I am going though a bad bad break up. Where a let a man cheat on me time after time, put me in a domestic violence relationship and pull guns out on me, but yet still I wanted to be with him. Writing this makes me see how dumb it sounds. I am gathering the strength to move on. Thank you!!!!! If you have any more advice please email me at cassandradh@yahoo.com

@Cassandra – Cassandra, you’re alive to tell your story. Sounds like this guy would have been. Develop some self respect through extra curricular activities, and do something for YOURSELF and that’s the first step to feeling better and moving on.

@ASA -

Reading your story felt like you were telling parts of my story. The sad part is, I let me ex do it over and over again for 10 years, telling myself that the friendship was worth it, because we started out as friends. It is a hurt that runs deep. I am sorry for your loss.

As I read all these stories , I understand that I am not alone . I am totally devastated over the break with my husband. I feel my whole world is falling apart. I don’t sleep, eat or care for anything. Is like my life has no meaning without him. This is an awful feeling and I don’t know how to stop it.
I have been with my husband for 7.5 years and 6.5 married. I guess I made him the center of my world and now he is gone.
I married a widower who was not ready to marry me , so life with him was difficult specially with his family. We used to have many problems with this . I kept trying to fix the situation , going from counselor to counselor etc. I knew I was very much in love with him and I didn’t want to let him go.
Finally I came to the conclusion that if we separated maybe he would miss me and appreciate me. Actually I was pretty sure that that is what was going to happen so I asked him to leave after a huge fight one day.
I was wrong…it has been 2.5 months . I am devastated and he has moved on. He is now dating someone else. I guess he didn’t love me enough, but I can’t take the break up.
He told me he does not want to get back together that he does not love me.
I miss him . When he and I were together , we were very happy . The problems started when his family , specially his daughter (25) came around. She had decided that I was not for him , a friend of the family was good for him and pressured him sooo much the past year that we ended up splitting.
I regret having told him to leave. I have try to talk to him about coming back, but he does not want me.
I am in sooo much pain , I don’t know how to get rid of it. It kills me that he doesn’t miss me or love me anymore. I am hoping one day he will and come back . I guess that hope is what is keeping me in pain.

Thank Y0u for that NM. You sharing with me means more to me than you could possibly know. Discovering all of these things this last week has taken all of the energy out of me. I have been devoting all of it to her. I knew that if I really went looking I would find something. I just didn’t know it would be all this! The thing about it though is that a small part of me is thankful that I found out now as opposed to later. It would have been even harder than it already is. At least know I know that the last 5 months were a lie as opposed to 5 years. Thank you NM.

@Aaron –
well im sorry, i was just reading your comments here. then i saw your problem. ahm, my opinion about your problem is. you just have to respect what makes her happy. don’t force her to like you because its much harder. you know what i mean? its unfair, mostly at your side. right.? you love her so much that you will do everything for her but then on her side, she doesn’t feel anything unusual. just friends. ahm. go on with your life. don’t focus your heart for her. coz if u do..all u can feel are burdens, pain and sacrifices. always remember “KEEP MOVING 4RWADR.

@Anne Low
ahm hello? well im just passing by on these page and i saw wat u wrote. well its very difficult to get over the person if most likely you’re the one who break up with him. chances are, you can never stop thinking if your decision is right. you cant stop thinking about him, you miss being with him, the things you do a lot. but think about these. its just a memory, and memories remain what they are. why do you think some people can’t get over with the one they love?? its because of the memories they share. but its just a memory. it will never change. its for you to keep and cherished it. learn from your mistakes and accept it. then change for the better.

Letting Go

How do you walk away from someone you love
And take a different path;

Can you reroute the course you have taken
And start over once again?

I don’t really want to let you go
But inside me I know I must;
The times we’ve loved . . . the times you’ve left
My heart says stay . . . but it’s my mind I must trust.

We have shared so much together
Laughter . . . fun times . . . tears and pain;
Sometimes there are things that cant be taken back, hurts that cant be forgiven.
We can’t turn back time
We must walk away, and allow ourselves to heal.

I know one day I will be happy
And my soulmate I will find;
I know I have one out there
Even if for now . . . only in my mind.

May life be gentle with me
May God’s best come my way;
And on some quiet tomorrow
I will realize things were better this way

hi guys… just wanna share my own heart break,,
my bf for 7 yrs and 6 months broke up with me last month. I just cudnt beliv his reason. He told me that he doesn’t love me anymore. We don’t have any issues or fight few months ago. I don’t have any idea that he has this thoughts way back. I just don’t know what to do. it’s been a month now but i just still cant bare the pain. for 7 yrs his family doent know anything about us bcause of some personal reasons but but finally when he introduced me to his family i feel very welcome and i know for a fact that they love me so much. i am still attached with his family. i still have communications with his mom and sister. i hate the fact that i have to stop the happiness i have with his family because we’re done.. huhuhhuhu.. i just don’t know what to do. I am don’t know how can take the fact that we’re over.
help me pls. i thought as time passed by i will learn to forget him and the pain but it seems that it became more painful.. i don’t know what to do.. i hate the feeling!!!

the pain of losing him makes me wanna die.. help!

@joy – Im feeling the same way i understand you girl but sometimes it’s for the best.