My boyfriend just dumped me 2 days ago. I dont understand so many of the things that were said and what went on. He told me throughout our relationship that he loved me and he was the one who brought up marriage and starting a family. Then out of nowhere, no fights, nothing but what seemed to be just us being normal he says that he doesnt want a realtionship. I find myself feeling stupid for believing all the times he said he loved me and that I was the love if his life. I know that I have to work on finding myself and believing that I can let go after all this time and effort that was spent in this relationship.

Joy and Alana-
Now it is time to focus on yourselves. Don’t let a thought about him enter your head. This is VERY difficult, I know, so you have to keep yourself busy especially doing things you really enjoy. The more you mope around, contemplating things, the worse you will feel.

Spend extra time with your friends or family. See a movie. Cook a nice meal. Go shopping! Get a manicure/pedicure/facial/massage. Go to the gym. It is crucial to get out “there” even if you ABSOLUTELY don’t want to. You have to push yourself. You will feel A LOT better in time if you keep this up.

Of course there will be days when you are miserable and you can’t stop thinking about him. BUT THEY WILL PASS! On to the next day when you’ll have another opportunity to better yourself and be happy!! Work through the tough days. In the end you will come out being a happier, healthier, and stonger person!

I guess i should write about why im on this website.. and i think i am writing this because i just need to get some feelings out and who better to rant to then to people who feel the same as i do..

My first love. Simply put but so terribly complicated.

I was 15 years old when i met this boy. We dated on and off in highschool for 3 years.. he was the first person who stole my heart, made me fall in love. We were very much in love.. did everything together, and always found a way back to each other even after the many break ups.. After our final break up in highschool, he met another girl, and stayed with her for 5 years. In the meantime, i graduated highschool, went away to college and healed myself and told myself it was ok to move on.. I had two significant relationships while i was in college, and the latter of the two, i moved in with and was almost engaged with… At this time im 21 years old..just about to graduate college, and my first love decided to find me on myspace and hop back into my life.

The simple sentence he left me in my inbox instantly made tears run down my face.. made me sob for hours. ” I miss you. Call me. Love, Mr.Softee”( inside joke)… I explained to my current boyfriend at the time that i wanted to talk to him… my boyfriend allowed it… So i called him and my life forever changed from that minute.

We talked for hours about our lives and everythings that happened in the past few years… and sadly the conversation ended up being that our feelings never went away for each other we just simply learned to live without each other. He fell in love, but he still thought of me always. As i did the same. I was very much in love.. but my feelings for my ex were too much…

I went home the following weekend and me and my ex hung out as friends, nothing more. It was just nice to be able to see him again and start a friendship.. After 3 weeks, i broke up with my boyfriend for my ex, and moved back home to my hometown . Biggest mistake of my life…

So… here i am. Now 23 years old. We have been, once again, off and on for the past two years. We always tell each other we love each other but we just cant seem to get it right. Hes cheated on me, hurt me, put me down.. He was just everything WRONG for me, and there was a time when i was just too blind sided to see what was going on. I was in love, obsessed, infatuated. I dont know what you would call it. But here i am now… broken up with him once again.. Only to sit here and contemplate what i did wrong or what i could do to make it right and ive realize, the truth is. I CANT.

I have wasted too much time making him the center of my world. Thinking that it was him that could only make me happy in my life. So NOT TRUE!!.. I cant beleive i let myself sit there and feel sorry for myself.. I have complete control over how i live my life, not him… I refuse to chase him anymore.. I refuse to sit and wait by the phone to see if hes called. and i refuse to settle for anything less than i deserve as an individual…

Its always at these times that he seems to always want me back.. when im not vulnerable or needy.. when i act independent and hold my head up high.. and you know what? thats just too damn bad for him… I will never , and i mean NEVER go back to that.. I dont deserve it, and im strong enough to move on.. It has taken me over 8 years to realize this.

Dont get me wrong i still and always will love him with all of my heart…and he will always have a place there… but its time to let go.. Im a beautiful, smart and strong women, and there is someone out there that will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. =)

well my ex (15 year relationship) is now on a plane to holland for 10 days with his “void Filler” and then off to india until after the summer again with his “void filler” he has know her “well” for 6 months apparently.. .. we have been split up for 1.5 months and he started sleeping with her a week into that..i cannot describe that pain! i am of course hoping onto the frial thought that we may well get together at some point.. espcially when he sent a text a few weeks ago saying “stay as stong and healthy as you can paula. you mean more to me than i can express or understand” this is man of my life.. that i adore.. if there is a chance… i can only let him get on with this.. and take it from there and rebuild my life without him.. he is now in his “bubble” new love world.. and i am left out in the pouring rain.. that hurts really bad!! believe me when you are so angry and pissed with someone, yet the love in your head and heart still hangs on in there… it is really quiet a sick feeling! x

I’m just getting over a break-up with my first love of two years. I was 18 when we met and I made alot of mistakes while we were together. Now hes gone and he says hes wants to make progress in his life. I told him I would wait for him and he said ok. I dont know where to go from here. After reading an article it looks likes this is an opportunity to work on loving myself and making progress in my life. Thanks very much for the article. The pain I feel is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.

I want to thank you for this website, it is a total godsend. I’m in the throes of a terrible heartbreak that has left me crippled. All I can do is think about my ex without repose.Reflecting on the relationship three months later I realise that she probably did the right thing in leaving,but this doesn’t give me much solace.Coming to terms with it’s finality seems an impossible prospect.Images of her face haunt me it seems twenty four hours a day.My dreams are even consumed by her.Is there any hope that this agony will ever end?

How do you let go of the expectation? The hope that there still might be a chance?

I am dealing with a break up now, I have always been the person breaking up, and now I find myself getting it from the other side. It hurts more and I’m crying constantly at work, at home with friends by myself… I’m totally miserable im shaking im shocked im hurt and i cant imagine my life with out him. I read your article and to be completely honest I dont’ think I can manage any of that i am too depressed to do anything i can’t eat or sleep, what should i do please help me i don’t know who else can.

@paula –
girl i know the felling my man of 5 years left me to get a job and space infl while i had our 2 boys to rasie he decied not evn a week or two of slpilting he decied to sleepwith the woman of the guy he was staying with that we have know for3 years and was saupposed to be my freind and helpus get back yea i know that sick feeling your speaking of iam going though it so glad i found this website

I started dating a girl 2.5 years ago. Within the first month she admitted that she’d been burned alot in the past and was hesitant to use the term boyfriend/girlfriend. This girl was raised in a Korean orphanage until the age of 4 and then adopted by her American parents. Her American dad left the mother for another woman when she was 12. She is not close to her father to this day and only sees him on holidays, even though he lives less than five miles from their house. During our 2.5 year relationship there were tons of times where she would accuse me of looking at girls, or denying her calls, or basically being dishonest about little silly things. Most all of these issues were created in her head and were simply not true. It drove me nuts, always trying to make sure she didn’t get upset. If I didn’t email her first in the morning, she would send a nasty email claiming that I didn’t care about her and that she was putting in more effort. We live in Colorado. When I asked her to fly back to Indiana to meet my family, she claimed that I only asked her out of guilt and that I should have asked her earlier in our relationship. She refused my offer to come home, and actually never met my family. It got to the point where I was always having to avoid a fight. I made the mistake of lying to her about some stuff, to avoid fights. For example, while home for Thanksgiving (the same holiday she refused to join me for), I grabbed beers with some friends til 1am. I told her I went to bed early to avoid her freaking out about me having beers with friends. There were a few other times where I did lie to avoid fights, she found out, and got infuriated. She’d dump me every month but I’d beg her back. Dumping me each month became the norm. I feel like she fed off the attention of me begging her back. It made her see how much I cared or something… I stopped djing because she could not handle me being at the club. djing was my favorite hobby at the time, and an exgtra source of income. BTW, she worked at all the major clubs in college but could not be with me if I worked at the same clubs. She claimed it was okay that she worked in the clubs because it was years ago and now she’s more mature and I should be too. We’re now 28. I mentioned going back to school to get my masters and she started crying and wouldn’t talk to me for three days. She told me I needed to put more effort into our relationship instead of school. This coming from a girl who is currently getting a masters herself. She made the comment, that “we will never see each other if we both are getting our masters” That really bugged me that she could go to school but I could not. I resented her for it and it eventually ate me alive. One more example for you. My buddy was getting married back in Indiana and I was in the wedding. I wanted her to come but did not want any drama. I told her of the wedding but warned her that I was in the wedding and could not hold her hand 100% of the time. She told me that if it were her, she would not sit with the wedding party, she would sit with me. I told her that was ridiculous, and I didn’t want to ruin my friend’s wedding. She then dumpe me claiming that I didn’t want her at the wedding and I did not ask her properly to be my guest. Talk about frustrating. For that same friend’s bachelor party, she flipped a lid, and went with her friends to Chicago and stayed out all night because she had to get even with me. I told her we’d just be hanging out at home for the party. Bbqing and hanging out with just the guys. No strippers, no nothing. She refused to belevie me and spent the whole weeknd out til 3am both nights just despite me.

After drama like this every month, we moved in together at 1 year. I gave up everything about myself that she didn’t like or accept. I stopped hanging out with friends. She ended up dumping me for good 1.5 yr’s later, claiming I was not capable of being a good boyfriend.

I gave it all up for her but could never win. I’m devestated now and based on what I’ve been reading here, it’s all because I lost myself through this whole relationship. She became the only thing that could make me happy. Even with all the drama, I relied on her for my happiness. She’d dump me time and time again, and I would beg her back. Each time I had to beg her back, for what I thought was her being immature, I started to resent her more and more.

It’s been 3 weeks and I’ve followed the no conotact rule until today. I lost it. I texted her and begged her back. She won’t return my calls or texts. She sent me a few texts basically saying, I was an awful boyfriend and I’m the reason for all her insecurities and trust issues. I’ve been to therapy to help deal with this but she refuses to do the same. She is extremely thick headed and refuses to admit the fact that some of her insecurities are NOT from me. They’re from the stuff that happened to her as a child, her other 3 cheating boyfriends, or other factors that she could work on with the help of a counselor.

What do I do? I love her but know I can’t keep her happy. She’ll always find something to get mad about or point out something I’m not doing well enough. If I stay with her, I’ll never be able to dj again, I can’t go back to school, and I can’t ever have a guy’s night out. Sadly enough, at this point in my life, I’d give up all that stuff to be with her. I think it’s due to my current low self esteem but keep questioning it. I keep asking myself, i don’t want to be alone forever, should I just sacrifice all this stuff to keep the girl?

@Jess –
Jess, my breakup is 1 year old now. And I agree – in the first few days and weeks you can’t really follow any of the “sober” advice they give you.

Jess, all I can say is that I know how it feels, and I hurt with you… Right now all you can and should do is cry and cry and cry – cry it all out – and talk and talk and talk – vent it in the forums like this one. Write to me to

happy@live.ru.

Anything you do now will hurt, so you can only survive hour by hour Jess, that’s how it is. But it will be better in a while – but right now it’s just so gut wrenching, i know.

Take care

This article is very good and extremely relevant and helpful.

@ryan –

hey ryan,

i feel for what you’re going through . and for what you’ve had to go through. me and my ex went through some very similar experiences, on the verge of breaking up and getting back together again because we could not stand being without each other. until the next fight.

you do love her and it is sad it did not work out. but it takes two for a relationship. and you deserve to be happy. and if the relationship with her is causing you so much pain, you probably do need to let go. this way, you will give yourself the chance to be with someone who will love you at least as much as you do them, and be truly happy. i know it is very difficult and heart-breaking now, i am going through a similar experience. but you have to have faith in the future. perhaps all these signs that this relationship is not going well were to show you that there is someone better out there for you. just give yourself the time to get over it.

all the best,

Hey every1 this is my first time leaving a comment on sites like this, but I really don’t know what to do, I feel horrible. Me and my boyfriend were best friends for a year, then we started dating for 4 months and then he broke up with me because of our age difference which is 17 years and the religion he’s Jewish and I’m not. I went away on a business trip to U.S. for a month and he contacted me and told me that he really loves me and he hasnt loved anybody the way he loved me and he wants to try again with me. He decided that the age and religion is no longer a factor because he loves me so deaply. We were broken up for 2 months. I never loved anybody like this before and though I was unsure wheather or not I should go into this relationship again ‘cuz he hurt me so bad in the past, I still decided to try it again. I came back and 2 days after he told me he doesn’t feel it anymore. He said when we make love its not the same as it used to be before. I’m more devastated now then I ever was, it was so hard for me to give him another chance and now he broke my heart all over again, after just 2 days!!!I have goals in life but I just cant bring myself to do anything, I have no motivation all I do is cry and I need to snap out of this cuz I have to do things but I just can’t, I love him more than anything. As sad as it is all I can think about is us getting back together again and it’s impossible after everything he’s done to me. I constantly try to look for solutions in order for us to be together again, cuz he was a huge part of my life and I cant imagine it without him I know I have to let him go, but I don’t want to at the same time, I don’t want to accept the fact that we’ll never be together again, and it’s pathetic I know. Any advice would be helpful, thanks for your time if you read my lil story

Hi Everyone,

This site is absolutely great and I do want to thank you for being here for one another, it’s amazing!

I’m going through a breakup with my boyfriend whom I met about half an year ago. The circumstances under which we met were kind of unusual – I was going through a transition period in my life, had just moved to a new city, and had no idea where on the globe I would be in an year. When I met him, I never thought we would be in a relationship one day, I just hoped for a friendship as I knew only so few people in town. We had very different interests and goals in life, came from very different backgrounds, and I did not imagine we would ‘click’. In addition to that, I was deeply distrustful of any man’s commitment to care for me, as I had had two very brief and disappointing relationships before. However, in a matter of 2 months my boyfriend showed me a different side of it all – he was kind, caring, very patient, yet persistent in making me realize he was not one of the people who had disappointed me. So attachment and attraction grew and we found ourselves in a relationship. I was not sure about starting it, I had my doubts from the past experiences and I also wasn’t sure how much we were a good match for each other. But decided to give it a shot.

Around Christmas, I realized I was not as deeply in love as I would have hoped, that my feelings did not seem to match the extend of his. I asked him to try to be just friends, as I was not ready for a relationship. He reluctantly agreed, saying he would be giving me much less as a friend than as a boyfriend.

Immediately after this conversation, certain events happened in my life, experiences with other people that made me weaker than usual (emotionally). My boyfriend was the only one constantly by my side and we got back together. The only-friendship idea had evaporated, as I felt I could only hold my head above the water by holding on to him. I felt deep gratitude and appreciation and I started trusting him more.

For about a month, we had started spending much more time together than before, and we ended up in sometimes very emotional arguments (usually based on conflicting philosophical and moral views). I took those as a proof that we are not made for each other and as the fights increased in frequency, I began to feel alienated and to look for a more personal space. I asked him for a break, a mind-clarifying one, but he refused me, out of a fear that I would leave him and that I was just looking for an excuse.

So we kept going like that – exhausting arguments, which I felt swallowed my emotional energy – for about another month. A few times, I said, that’s it, I cannot keep going, this is a torture. Every time he managed to convince me that we should give it another shot. At first I refused, I felt it would be a betrayal to my right to emotional balance and refused. But in a day or two, I would have realized how much I miss him, and crying, call him back and say, okay, let’s please, try again. And so we went back and forth. I knew that arguments were never too far, and I feared that something would come up every time we got together.

I shared my problem with two of my friends, and both of them asked me why I insist on continuing this if I well know it is not anything long term. I tried to defend my boyfriend by saying how kind he is and how much he has done for me, how I actually do like the time spent together and how it’s not all so bad. My friends asked me questions that made me wonder: Is this a real love if I cannot put up with small disagreements like these ones and only see the positive side?

The answer was quick and simple – I was not in love. And I knew my boyfriend wasn’t either (at least that is what he says). Yet I could not make the decision to cut it off because it would hurt him too much, as he continued to believe we can work it out and have a nice time before I leave (I am bound to leave in 3 months).

After one of the worst fights, he said it was all his fault and he would change. I said this isn’t true, we’re just not good for each other, it’s nobody’s fault, but at this moment, he was a bit weak, and we got back together again.

Since then things have been going well, but 2 days ago I had a conversation with one of my friends who insists on helping me out with this, and she asked me why I am prolonging the agony, if I know nothing’s gonna happen in the future. We talked things over again, and I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it. I wanted him to know the truth, which is, that, I did not believe that, even if I had stayed in the area, we would have continued for a very long time. He was surprised to hear this. I told him that I think it’s better for us to break up now so we don’t have illusions that we are not together only because I leave, but because simply, we cannot be together long-term. Part of me felt that he might decide to surprise me one day by moving closer to where I would be in the hope of renewing this. I could not allow this, because I knew the truth would hurt much more then. I thought it was fair to make it all clear now.

The breaking up scene was quite dramatic as expected, both of us got reactive to the words of the other person, and he kept repeating that I don’t know what I am losing, and that it would be very hard for me to find somebody who would love me the way he did. The words hurt me as I didn’t think he could be so arrogant. I realized how much he must be suffering, and tried hard to ignore them.

The parting was really sad, as he said he would do anything for me anyways, and that we should still be friends. I said we need time to cool down, and he said he doesn’t need time, and asked me how much time I would take.

Since then, I’ve been in and out of the situation, questioning my decision and analyzing every aspect. I am afraid I might have done the wrong thing under the pressure of my friends, or because I have failed to appreciate him as a person. And I cry.

Yet I do know we have no future together. And part of me has been getting ready for a move-on over the past month or so. It might sound like a pretty cold reasoning, but I have been moving a lot across different countries and continents, and I feel I cannot afford to harbor any illusions.

I guess what I am more afraid of is us staying together and being not in love and not as happy as we could both be with another person whom we love and who loves us truly and unconditionally. I don’t think we have failed, I think we have discovered ourselves through the experience.

Yet, I am still not sure I did the right thing. I have always wished my boyfriend is with somebody who really loves him deeply and I think he deserves that, after all he has shown to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think I am that person. But I do keep crying and wanting to get back to him. Please, help me, how do I know if I had made the right decision? I keep on fearing I will get back to him because I miss him so much and he showed me so much love and I was stupid not to see it.

Thank you,

its hard for me to get over her because we have a kid together and i still get to see my kid. she still wants us to be friends and i do to. today she asked me what was wrong with me, i told her that it didnt matter cause i didnt want to tell her that i still love her. she kepted asking me till i finally to her and to me something doesnt seam right. i dont know if she still feels the same way and doesnt want to tell me but nothing makes sence to me anymore. the more i try to forget her, it makes me think about her evermore.

@ryan -
hi ryan i read your whole story.. man i feel sorry for you… you are madly in love with someone who has a lot of trust issues. you made a huge mistake in trying to be so kind to her. she takes you for granted. am sorry to say she knows she has a puppy dog waiting for her thats why shes so nasty… give her time to miss you, to realise your worth, she’ll definitely come back once she realises you are not waiting for her. read women who love too much by robin norwood its a good one. i hope you feel better and have more trust in yourself. im a girl….seriously which flaw can i see in a guy emailing me each morning? or even begging me to be back….gudluck i sincerely hope you can better, once you appear confident and make as if you dont need her, she’ll run back to you!!!!!!!!!

@Linda –

Hi linda… i have written in a post prior about an 8 year relationship on and off that sounds exactly like this.. I know how it feels to know your not right for someone, and thinking how much better life could be with someone who loves you and cares for you like u love and care for them. You are not alone… I am still hanging on.. In my last post i said i would hold my head up high and never go back to him, but i did. and i am with him now.. things are going great, but only because i avoid the conversations that are important to me, that turn into arguments, that i really just avoid so we dont have to fight and part ways again.. Maybe im insecure, i dont know.. But i do know how it feels.. I love him with all of my heart, i dont want him to go anywhere. = (

@Eddie Corbano -

Thank you for the advice. I read your column everyday and try my best to follow the guidelines. I broke one of the cardinal rules a couple days ago and it literally has made me feel ten times worse. I called her, begged her back, and begged her to go to counseling. During that conversation she told me that her insecurities are 100% due to me and the fact that I did lie about small stuff to avoid fights. I admitted that I’d lie to avoid fights and that was wrong. She recently went on my facebook page (with my password which she demanded) and noticed that they’re aren’t any pics of her on the page and that my status does not say in a relationship. I took the pics of her down when we got in a fight months ago but she refuses to beleive that I ever had any up in the beginning. She also claims that I am way more active on the site than I told her I was. (Hence I’m lying to her yet again). I gave her my password to show her I’m open and not lying but it backfired big time. Bottom line, she’s madder than ever, thinks I’m a liar and will not go to couples counseling to repair things. I’ve begged her for the last few days to just do one session but she won’t return my calls, texts, etc. She’s following the no contact rule to a tee but I cannot force myself to do the same. At this point all I can do is think about the mistakes I made in the relationship. Even ones that I know are just misunderstandings and instances where she jumped to major conclusions based on something silly. I’m even blaming myself for the stuff that I know I didn’t do wrong.

I can’t eat or sleep. None of my hobbies interest me anymore. I keep telling myself I was the happiest in my life when her and I had no drama and we could just hang out. Trouble is, in all my efforts to avoid drama, she claims I just made things worse.

I dumped her 4 weeks ago, yet today is the hardest day I’ve had. I guess I was in denial. Now it’s hitting me hard.

Any advice or just a friendly acknowledgement that someone out there is listening and I’m not alone would be great.

Hello Everyone,

My girlfriend dumped me about a year ago. We have been dating for close to a year, and was my first ‘official’ relationship. It was unfortunate that she happened to USE me to get over another person, for who she ended up leaving me for. I was completely heartbroken, knowing that she convinced me she was in love with me, and not someone else the whole time. I didnt know what to do, and after she left me she cut me out of her life too, completely. I dont know why I turned her into my #1 priority, but ever since she left I have been lost in life. I did what I could to get over her (i moved from the country for schooling purposes, met new people and tried new things). Nothing ever felt the same. Close to about 8 months after the breakup, she got in touch with me. She tells me she misses me and still loves me deep inside. I happen to be the more sensitive guy, and I got close with her again. She tells me her problems with her new boyfriend, as to how he doesnt see a ‘future’ between both of them. She cries and turns to me for help, and I dont hold back. Knowing her, she needs to be satisfied, and the guy she is with wont provide it for her. Deep down inside I love her off, but truly she tells me she loves the other guy more than she loves me and is ready to do anything to fix her relationship.

I feel Im falling in for her all over again, as the memories never ever did leave. We are like bestfriends, she tells me everything just as I tell her everything too. She knows Im still in love with her, and she tells me she is in love with me too.

I dont know why I still love her. She has done alot of wrong things, and I completely deserve better entirely. Its because I turned her into my ‘everything’ and when she left, I was left with nothing.

Please, Im deeply asking for help, as I need some more advice on overcoming this breakup immediately, and getting rid of these feelings I have for.

Greatly Appreciated,
Junior

@Nikki

Thanks Nikki,

I looked for it and found your earlier post. I think your story can teach us all a lot. But I think you seem to have touched upon that inner energy and love for yourself as a human, which is a great catalyst for learning to let go. I find your words particularly inspirational (and I hope others will agree, too)

“I have wasted too much time making him the center of my world. Thinking that it was him that could only make me happy in my life. So NOT TRUE!!.. [...] I have complete control over how i live my life, not him… [...] and i refuse to settle for anything less than i deserve as an individual…”

I think you do know the answer as to what will make you happy. Being with a person who doesn’t treat you right or does not seem to care enough can only make you feel more insecure in this relationship and ruin your self-esteem.

Have you asked yourself why you love him? Because of the way he makes you feel about yourself or because it is so hard to let go? What is it that you are afraid of more – leaving him and giving yourself a chance to be happy or remaining in a relationship that you know makes you unhappy? Be honest with yourself. Truth is, being alone is never easy. But another truth is, you always have a choice. And you can always change things for the better. Such experiences are scary but they are also what makes us grow and find our inner strength. Someone once said that the optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. An opportunity for happiness and growth, and wish those with my whole heart to you and everyone here.

“Im a beautiful, smart and strong women, and there is someone out there that will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. =) ”

Couldn’t be better said

Hey, Well i just got out of a relationship that i knew was the best thing for me, and i still do.
Ive never had problems with self-confidence,
But i did always guard my heart. The first time i let the doors open i felt amazing, i had a beautiful relationship with a woman who hadnt had a very nice life. Her dad left her at a very young age, 5 if you ask. After he did some very horrible things to her. Her mom, is crazy. All of her friends think so and so do i.

We fell in love quickly, the first few days where absolutely amazing, we didnt even sleep because we just couldnt stop talking to eachother on the phone.(Long-Distance relationship)
After that we talked every day for the next 8 months, and it wasnt like we said hi and bye, we talked on the phone for over 7 hours each day.
The ammount of time we talked on the phone did change, but not by much. Maybe 1-3 hours up and down.
We where together for 8 months, and we had done everything, I visited her once. 3 months into the relationship and had the most wonderful time of my life being with her, it almost seemed like it was more than love.

We where sexually active, when i went there, and I ended up getting her pregnant. And i did use protection.
Coming up to the end of the relationship which ended a day and a half ago, we stoped talking to eachother as much, and then her mom took away her phone and computer, so i had no way of contacting her. After 4 days of not talking to her, i called her constantly, asking if everything was alright, and when she would get her phone back. She said she didnt know but she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me,
We said this to eachother often, because it was what we felt, and what i still feel.
a day after that i talked to her friend, and i have had some jealousy issues because i could never be with her, in all of those 8 months, i had 3 days.
Well i find out that a guy that has been pretty much stalking her is now one of her best friends, and she has spent the money we where saving up for me to come on a hockey game with him, and went 200 dollars over her texting bill texting him. All the while i was at home crying because i missed her so much(She still hadnt broken up with me). After talking to her friend, i called her and i asked her what was going on with the guy. And if she even cares about me anymore. She said that her mother doesnt want her to have a boyfriend, and that she was more happy spending time with friends than going out with me, which didnt make sense because i never stoped her from going out with friends, she just assumed i would get jealous. Her exact words where. “I dont love you anymore.” and i asked “At all?” and she said “Im sorry, i just dont care about you”
Ive been wondering how someone i have been in love with for the past 8 months and felt such a close connection with could just stop caring about me. I know she did before, so much that she couldnt handle me not being there that she started to cut. I was able to convince her not too, but she still was uncontrollably sad all of the time, I was too.

Its been a day and i half and i havent eaten anything, i had a glass of water, when she broke up with me i slammed my head into the wall multiple times and broke a hole in it.
I am still really in love with her, and i have reasons, ive talked to my mom alot about it but whatever she tells me doesnt help. I cant change the way i feel about her, She was my first love, The first person i had sex with and i just cant stop thinking about her. I also have emotional indused asthma and i have been having trouble breathing, and it isnt getting any better.
As ive typed all of this there is a puddle of tears on my desk because i miss her so much, and she doesnt care a bit about me.

I dont know what to do.

Wow, I just happen to google “how to get over a break up” and this came up. I’m still in the first stage where tears just come bursting out at any given moment……
How long will this last? And when am I suppose to start the process of loving myself?

Eddie,
If your “soulmate” from so many years back came to you now and told you she wanted to be with you again…that she loved you and hadn’t stopped thinking of you, had changed for the better and was truly ready to commit herself…would you take her back?
Just curious.

i’ve recently come out of a 14yr relationship with my kids mom. this relationship started out badly. i was a thief and she was a prostitute (dont judge read plz) within the first 4 weeks of us meeting i flew to jamaica for 3 weeks on returning back home i found almost immediatly that she had cheated saying she was leaving and such i told her she wasn’t leaving as i feel in love at first sight. so i beat her(dont judge read plz). after that i tried to find out who so i could beat him but she wouldn’t tell me anyway i ends up in jail doing six years(for other things). all the way through my sentence i’m asking her to tell me who the guy was she told me eight different names none of which made any sense to me then 1 year b4 i am due to come home she tells me who it was. (since had a word in his shell like) however i could never get over this. because of my life and circumstances i dont see positivity at all i would hit her at least once a year. i’d cheat and i’d tell her just to make her know how i felt(bad move). however we dont do those things anymore as she was only 16 and i was 18 so put the career choices down to naiveity. anyway the relationship always had me on edge i never trusted a word she said to me but i still loved her i used to hit her only once a year through anger at being betrayed. but have always had an anger problem i dont just hit women i hit men to my temper has raged out of control for years i did anger management. i suggested counseling but nobody made any moves to sort it, anyway we have a baby girl and i get to panicking i feel scared and worried is it mine. all this crazy shit so again once the baby’s born the violence starts again, but only once a year and never brutal just intimidating her i always felt low self esteem and never really had no support from my parents i went to talk to my mom today and got told to fuck of she doesn’t care about my problems(never has, told me she wishes i was dead since i was a young child). now my ex was all there was that gave me any support in adult life i’m 31 now,she’s 28 i spent every single day of the relationship watching her every move analysing what she’d say where she’s been who she spoke too. well for years she was saying she didn’t know if she loved me anymore. if she still wanted the relationship she wasn’t sure and stuff like that anyway six months ago i met this really wonderful person i left home town and went to live with her i decided i couldn’t wait forever for ex tomake up her mind if she loved me or not so i left anyway my heart cryed for her even though i was with someone else i wanted her so we spoke and decided to give it another go (years b4 id tried to kill myself cuz of the pain and the guilt of getting into this cycle of violence and mistrust) she never cheated again as far as i know. anyway i left this new girl that made me feel light and happy and was helping me to think positivly to go back to the ex(big mistake) after five weeks back all the feelings of insecurity came back the mistrust the intimidation all of it. she threw me out and i agreed to leave only after smashing her house up we have decided to remain friends for our 2 children(one just born), but i feel terrible i’ve start smoking heroin as a way to block out the years of shit we had gone through as kids and adults too and drinking and am using heroin as a sleeper cuz i cant sleep i get a few hours a night i am scared to be on my own and i dont know the first thing about healing someone as fucked up as me someone please help me cuz i feel i cant keep taking shit all my life (mom forced me to steal as a kid) now i write music and i would love to programme computers but just cant find that self love everyone keeps telling me about i’m having suicidal thought at least fiv times a day and this was when i was with her too she left me cuz she thinks i might kill her and my kids(would never) but she knows that my heads fucked please someone tell me how to stop this distructive cycle i’m in cuz dont wanna be hitting on my next girlfriend for something my ex did well over a decade ago. see thats why i said read cuz we both decent people now but echoes of the past still haunt me even though it’s over

@Lynda –

Hey I know exactly how you feel. My 9 year relationship ended two days ago. We were engaged and owned a home together. He was my entire life. He “broke up” with me two months ago, but we still lived in the same house together up until two days ago(we had to sell it). For the first couple weeks we ignored eachother, this killed me inside. Then slowly we started to watch TV together, eat together, pretty much do everything like we were back together. We were intimate. The only thing we didn’t do was sleep in the same bed. I now live with a g/f but its not the same. I feel alone, very alone, very very alone. I mean even when we would fight and not be in the same room together I still knew he was there. I guess I was fooling myself for the last month, but if he doesn’t want to be with me then why did he act the way he was acting. He says he still wants to stay in touch and see what happens? What does that mean? Its not like we were just dating. We were engaged, lived together, owned a home. I used to go home from work everyday and know he woud be there. Wake up and know he would be there. I felt like I belonged. Had a purpose in life, a companion a friend. Now I am alone. All alone. Even though I live with a friend, I feel alone. My entire family and friends live about an hour and a half away. I am staying b/c of my job… and b/c I am in major denial that it’s actually over. I feel like if I stay…things will magically get better. I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel so emtpy. The worst part is… if he said he wanted to be with me in a couple of months… I would do it. Why can’t I let go? A piece of me is missing. I am only 24 years old and I am lost without him. He was my entire world. Help me please!!!

Hi, everyone-
Those of you who have shared your stories here – I hope you are all doing OK.
This process definitely takes time.
Everything Eddie writes is absolutely true. Especially the “no contact” rule.
I have not had a single person help me through my break-up. As I explained in earlier comments, I lost all of my friends during the four year period I was with my ex. Totally my fault. That right there should be a warning sign that something isn’t right in the relationship.
Reading everyone’s comments has been a big part of getting through the break-up for me.

It has now been over a year since the break-up. I still think about him every day…but I believe that’s normal. I just don’t get upset/obsessive/nervous/out of control/frantic/depressed like I did in the beginning stages. That has all passed. I’ve moved on with my life. I’m happy now. I hadn’t realized how miserable I was when I was with him…it wasn’t a healthy relationship and I didn’t realize it then. Your partner should bring out the absolute BEST in you and make you a BETTER person.

There is no greater feeling than that feeling of independence. That feeling that you don’t really need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, that you can be fine all on your own.

To the people that are toying with the idea of getting back together – I would strongly discourage it. It’s SO tempting. The idea of running towards each other and sharing a long embrace sounds great doesn’t it? You share that “honeymoon” phase again. Then all of the old issues come creeping back to the surface. Issues that were never dealt with or resolved. You break up again, hurt each other again. Start the entire grieving process AGAIN. That’s why I would never get back together with him. It’s been a long, hard road to get where I am now. I don’t ever want to go through that process again. It wasn’t easy. That anger and sadness I felt was exhausting and it was so bad for me.

A quick response to keeron – it sounds like your situation is extremely complicated and unhealthy. In your case I would stongly suggest seeking the professional help of a therapist, and/or entering a rehab facility for your substance abuse problem. It seems that you have some deeper issues that need to be dealt with. Especially since there are children involved…you need to get more intense help than a comment section of a website. I wish you, and everyone else struggling, the best of luck. Be strong, hang in there.

V

Hi everyone,
Well Im the “dumper” and I tell you what, I am nonetheless torn apart and in hell.
I was with my boyfriend 7 months, we broke up a couple of days ago, and it was a difficult relationship from the start. He kept changing arrangements and letting me down regularly, and then I found out that this was largely down to a cannabis addiction, amongst other issues. But he was such a sweet guy, who I had developed feelings for, so that I gave him chances. Not least, after the fallouts during our 4th month, I had a chat with his ex, who he has a daughter with, about him. She told me he is very difficult to be with but also extremely sweet, she believed however that he had Aspergers Syndrome or something like that, and gave me literally a list of all the issue! She has known him years.
He also vowed to stop smoking and be more reliable, and I have to say, he did just that. He even came abroad to visit me at my parents over Christmas, and it all went wonderful. So everything was going fine, until the last few weeks, when I had to say something to him because I was concerned about him drinking so much, and then some incidents had happened as well because of his irresponsible drinking including him driving under very influenced. It was like he had swapped the cannabis with booze. I have been there myself in the “problem drinking” world and I just cant have a boyfriend who is a problem drinker. I want to just run away. I told him my concerns a few times and he promised he would try to cut down, but it actually got worse, and then things snowballed last weekend. When I tried to talk to him on Monday night about things, he wouldnt look at me, and at the end of the one way conversation (he wouldnt contribute anything), he just got up and walked out – which is what he used to do on a regular basis in our first few months together.
The next day I was fuming and said this wasnt on, and his response was that he would just come and collect his things.
He was then in contact with me the last couple of days being lovey and trying to win me back. Well I wrote him a card and told him how much I loved him, but these two things, the drink and walking out on me, were two things I didnt want in my life. Id hoped he would take it away and think about what Id said, but he simply put it on the table, said he had no need for it, and he started to take his things out to the car. He was simply not willing to discuss the alcohol issue or the other. The first thing he did was delete our relationship on FAcebook.
Since then, he has made much of the fact that its “me” who doesnt want anything.
Ive tried to explain that I do – but I want him to change and obviously he cant be the person I want him to be.
All his family know he has issues and needs help, and that he has a drinking issue. They are really frustrated with the situation as they think Ive been the best thing since sliced bread for him.
However, he is not willing to budge and told me tonight that I should “stop missing him”.
I know that tomorrow he will want to come and get the rest of his things from mine and I really dont think I can cope. I cant believe he would rather drink too much and be alone than be with me and be a bit more sober and make his daughter happy.
But the thing is, I cant stop crying. I loved the guy so much and I think, why is he letting this go. We did actually have a very good relationship apart from these 2 issues, the drinking, and the walking out on me whenever there was an issue.
I deleted him as my friend on FB today. I thought it was best so I didnt stalk him.
How on earth am i going to manage when he comes to get his things and will be Aspergers cold on me?
Oh yea we also have a joint computer which he will need to spend some hours on to dissasemble and make into two. I think I will have a breakdown.

Shan

I can’t believe that I’m doing this but I’ve spent the last 2 hours reading the posts on this site and felt compelled to share and am hoping to receive some advice in return. My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I know that this was for the best but it still hurts.

Right before New Years he had a “freak out” that came out of the blue we had been talking about our future (i.e. possible marriage and jobs as he is getting ready to graduate college) and it seemed like everything was finally on track. Then he tells me that he’s not ready to get married and he feels like maybe that’s a sign he doesn’t love me as much as I love him and that he knows he doesn’t always treat me the way he should and that I deserve someone better. We talked and decided to just give it time and see how things went.

At first things seemed okay then as time went by I just keep feeling like he was pulling away. I knew that something wasn’t right but when I asked him he would say things were fine and that he was happy. Finally we had a petty fight and he broke it off. At first I was angry that he could do that after almost 4 years then I realized that it was just the excuse he needed. We waited a few days then talked it over and he apologized for the way he ended the relationship but we both agreed it was for the best. He said that he just wasn’t “in the relationship anymore.” It just confirmed what I already knew to be true. The thing was I had been contemplating breaking up with him as well because I felt like I wasn’t making him as happy as I used to and vice versa. What kept me from doing so was the thought of loosing my best friend. We enjoy doing things together that the majority of our friends don’t do at all or not often. He understands me and offers sound advice on my life and I on his. I have accepted that the romantic part of our relationship is over. In fact, for the last 3 months of our relationship a couple of exceptions we did nothing that friends could not do. It is clear that the friendship and fear of not having that is what kept us holding on. When we talked things over we both stated that we hoped to remain friends in at least some capacity. (I know how Eddie feels about this and I think his point is very valid. I also agree that this could end up causing one or both of us more hurt in the long run However, I know myself well enough to realize that if I don’t try this I will regret it. Who knows maybe I’m just a glutton for pain.)

We agreed to not talk till after Easter and then based on our feelings and how we handle the contact we will decide to either sever communication again or chose a course towards friendship. I was firm in my resolve that I would stick to this plan although I couldn’t imagine not talking to him for so long. I want to prove to him that my intentions were true and that I want the friendship for just that not as a means to try to get him back.

It’s been the hardest/longest/quickest two weeks of my life. I’ve bawled like a baby, been supper composed and rational and felt somewhat in between. Most people are surprised by how calmly I seem to be taking this. I’m not sure if it’s because like the dumper I too had gone through some stages before the actual break up or if in a few weeks I will shatter. I miss him and think of him everyday but as I list the things I miss they are all companionship with the exception of sleeping in the same bed. Though we didn’t live together, we’ve spent almost every night of time we dated together (including when i lived an hour away for a year). I’d go to bed and lie there unable to fall asleep though I am exhausted (hence I’m writing this at 3 am). I have made some progress how ever as the past two days he hasn’t been the first thing that jumps into my mind upon wakening, though he quickly follows.

Though I’m 24 the thought of having to start over both terrifies and excites me. We were young when we met and have grown since then. I’m excited to find someone who fits with me in the place i am now and who loves me and treats me as well as or better than he did when our love was new. But I’m in the process of getting my second bachelors degree thus though I’m on a college campus those I know are much younger than I am and not in the same place in life. I’m worried that I won’t be able to find love again or that if I do I won’t be able to open my heart for fear of getting hurt again. There was a time when I truly thought he and I would get married and it thrilled me and it’s hard to see that dream go. However, I know that I was holding on to my idea of him and what i thought we could be and I realized a while ago that we were most likely not going to make it there. Yet I held on for fear of losing my friend.

Today I saw him. I know I said I wasn’t going to but I had a horrible past 2 days and I tried to talk to my friends and parents but it didn’t work. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We talked about my problems and what had been going on in our lives the past 2 weeks. We even made jokes about each others future love lives. I didn’t stay long and we agree to go back to the original plan. Though it was sad to leave and not stay the night. Though it he doesn’t seem to be taking this as hard as I did the first few daysI was so glad to see him, hear his voice and get a chance to hear him say that he was hurting too and missed talking to me and still wanted to be friends. .

Maybe we can be the exception to the rule or do you all think I’m just crazy?

I thought I’d feel like my life was over when this happened and I do feel like a possible life has died but that it may have made room for a better one in the future. That being sad I still can’t imagine a life with out him as my friend. Please advise. I’m open to all suggestions whether they agree or disagree with my point of view. I’ve never been in this situation before as my previous ex’s are few and we remained friends for years.

(PS sorry for the super long post)

My pain must be so miniscule compared to others, so i have no idea why I should be posting, but here goes, About 2 years ago I met this girl who was over where i live on holiday, and omg, I have never clicked so much with someone ever! We got along so well, I felt like she was my soul mate! We hav kept in contact ever since via, email, instant messgin and even phone chats, ive even had girlfriends since ive known her, but lately, I really really miss her, she is just the girl in my life, who knows me, gets along with me, is equally weird etc, I have no idea if she misses me to, and I get mad at her so easily now, its just an interal contradiction, shes so great, i miss her so much that part of me wants to just cut off all contact and forget her .. but the other finks dat maybe one day, if were closer, we can be together..thanks for the advice in advance =)

ok brief, as i have written on here a couple of times, it has now been 2 months since my partner of 14 years broke up with me, for another person, they have been together 7 weeks or so. they are off to india together for a while.. anyhow… yes it hurts it hurts bad, and there is that nagging, he may well still come back in my head, even though i know he has moved on sooo fast! and i also know he was probably moving on before we broke up, but the texts, emails, cards and conversations dont fit in somehow… but thats for my head to get over! he came back and got a majority of his stuff.. you know he then said in floods of tears ” i love you, but i have to do this” the other classic was, ” i will always love you, please write to me when ever you want”, “your happiness and well being will always be a major concern to me” oh and finally ” i love you, at some point we will start other relationships, the thought of you being with anyone else is devistating!” now work all that out!!! i also have about half a room of stuff his stuff still here, a motorbike that i know he will come and collect after his travels with her, and some money in an account. Now i am either on the back burner,i dont know… but i think he was and possibly still is a confused man! but it is hurting bad..just had 2 pretty bad days of tears… and i think, i am going through the acceptance, realisation stage, i do wonder when he will hurt etc… as i dont think he is dealing with it yet, as he has his “void filler” now! we are doing “no contact” at the moment and i find that very hard! xxxx

@Blake –

i know what your going threw. its been three months for me and i still think about her everyday. the only good thing is that i get to see my daughter three days a week. i still love her with all of my heart and just found out a couple days ago that she still loves me but still doesnt want to be with me. ever sence i found that out it got harder again for me to do anything with her being on my mind. everyone keeps telling me that it will get easier but it hasnt yet and i dont know if it ever will.

Hi everyone,

I have a question for all – what do you do when you are the one initiating the breakup and are trying to explain to the other person all the reasons for why you’re doing this and they give you a counter-argument to every single thing you say? I think I am about to give up on this and I am afraid I might just disappear one day without saying a word to my boyfriend because we have had thousands of conversations as to why this has no future and yet, he always manages to talk me back into the relationship. For example, when I tell him that our is not true love (as in deep, lasting love that would keep us together across borders and for years to come), he tells me, “you don’t understand, love like this takes time”. Yet I don’t want to drag this anymore).

I know he is not ready to lose me, neither am I, but I sometimes feel that if he doesn’t let me go now, he never will. And I am about to move to another city and start school in the fall and the thought of us getting back together and then splitting again, and all of this all over again brings me near despair. I really care for him and want to keep him in my life, but I also need to be on my own, not seeing anyone else for the time being, just to be alone and reflect on all we’ve been through.

Also, about the No-Contact Rule – it is really great if you follow it with the right attitude, I tried and I was convinced I was doing what was right, and it felt deeply liberating…until I decided to call him up and “clarify” where we stand – when I ended up being persuaded into going back to him yet again. Please, follow the rule, it is not only for your own sake, but for the other person’s, too.

@Eddie Corbano – The hardest thing for me to accept is that she can go on without me! Eddie please tell me how to deal with this? Thank you for your great work.

She was everything to me, and we were everything to each other. It really was a powerful love. I went to hell and back for her. She moved from California to Florida to be with me, and we lived together for over a year. Were together for over a year and a half. We were attached at the hip. Her desire to be that way and my pleasure. It was the purest love I have ever experienced. I was married for 15 years before this. It is not the break up that is killing me. Well that too.. It is how it ended. From her calling me saying she is on her way to the airport will see you soon, love you. To, not hearing from her for a few hours and being told, not coming back and has been looking in the paper for an apartment. She said she had a “doable” plan. And, would be coming home in about 5 months. But her not coming home, that is the killer. Florida was her home, we had a house together. He sone went to school here. I feel like a 9/11 family member that was expecting their loved one to come home that day. Like always, but they never did. I am soooo messed up. And with here decision to stay just caused everything to fold. On top of it, her love for me went from everything to nothing over night. I love her, I wanted to figure out how to fix it. But she does not get it, it is like over nigh she became someone else. I am just so out of it, has been almost three months now. I feel like I will never have or find what she was and meant to me. It was a VERY rare situation.

@Paula –

Hey Paula- I’ve written a few times over the last few weeks as am in the middle of a break up and this page is helpful!

I think NO CONTACT is the WAY TO GO for you! But also, I have a question… He’s out living it up in India with this other woman and his stuff is still at the house that you lived in together? Is it going to be possible for you to really move on surrounded by his things?

He is DEFINITELY putting you on the back burner. Saying just enough so that he can come back for his things and meanwhile, leaving you in limbo. He KNOWS you will still be there!! If you have money from an account that you know of… I might offer a suggestion. Go find a storage unit, put his stuff in it (that is, if you can’t bring yourself the throw it all out) and set up auto draft on the account…. And let him know he can go there to collect his things. Otherwise, when he shows up to get his stuff, it might cause this emotional torment all over again!

My ex decided basically overnight he was going into the army and didn’t want to get married… He casually said he would be gone for nine months. When I asked him if he thought he would be storing his stuff at my house for nine months and not sharing bills (he was previously in school and I paid everything), he looked at me like I was crazy. You are a person… not a place to keep his motorcycle! Just a thought.

My boyfriend of a year just told me he cant accept that I don’t believe in God. From day one I have told him I was an atheist and in the beginning he felt the same, then about six months into the relationship he “found god”. At first it was fine but then he started becoming very religious, going to church twice a week and reading the bible. He cant accept the fact that I don’t believe and he says If I just believed we could be so happy. How could he be so selfish? How can he just expect me to change my beliefs? He keeps talking about in the future how he wants to raise his children godly… and I dont want that. I love him but he keeps hurting me, about three months ago he broke up with me because of the religion thing, now he is saying it so hard for him to be with someone who doesnt believe… if he really loved me I feel like he would accept me and what I believe.. How can I be with him? It hurts all the time to think about him not being able to be with me cause I dont believe in God… we fight so much now too. Ahh I just need someone to tell me what to do… do I stay with him and work it out or should I start moving on?

Hello everyone,

I broke up with my bf a few days ago and I still can’t escape the controversial emotions I have. I very much urge you all to follow the NO CONTACT rule, it saved my sanity during these days. Before he called up again last night, to “clarify things”. I have to admit that in my pain and loneliness, I emailed him a single line a day after the breakup, saying, “thank you for helping make a decision, goodbye”. Bad idea, because I let Pandora’s box open….I cried a lot the same night, and thank God, he did not respond, so I felt I had to deal with it all on my own. There was just no one else there to do it for me. And I began to realize that the all my problems with this relationship and its severance have come from a lack of self-love.

(Truth is, nobody can substitute your love for yourself, your acceptance of the person who you are, as imperfect as you are.)

So I may say I was on my way to healing. The day after felt okay, I was jumping in and out of sadness, but by the end of the day, I was able to even joke with friends and make plans for the weekend. And thank God, I had lots of work to keep me distracted.

Then I went home and he called me, to ask me about that e-mail. I was surprised because I thought he had seen it already and had graciously decided not to deal with my own madness, and to just not respond (which would have been so right to do!).

We ended up in a 3-hour conversation as to why I want this to be cut off, and what went wrong. Why after all the good times we had I want to end it, he asked me.

(The problem is, we used to get in arguments a lot, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.) I have 7 weeks left in this city and I wanted to spend them well, and I didn’t want to mar our good memories with more arguments (last one of which was a week ago, and we generally have one every 2-3 weeks).

He kept saying that all he wanted was to have good time with me before I left, but I seemed to have lost all my hopes for that. He told me about all the things he was planning on doing for me, and it made me feel sad I am so bad with him and don’t want to give us another chance.

I’m just so tired of thinking about yet another problematic conversation or an emotionally-flooded difference of opinion. I miss the early days badly and I want to remember only them and not how things became over the past 3 months.

I thought I was ready to move on (and I still think I am, to a degree), but this morning, I woke up so bitter from some things he said to me last night (like, he starts yelling and I hang up and he tells me after that, “you don’t even have the guts to say goodbye, what’s wrong with you??”…so it all backfired in me, I had never felt so much bitterness and even…hatred for someone.

I was shocked by my own emotions, but instead of pulling back and resisting them, I called him to make him understand how hurtful the conversation had been for me (his attitude towards our arguments has always been much lighter, as to like, ok, all couples fight and have disagreements. For me, they signaled it was time to go, we just weren’t meant for each other – not because we were different, but because we couldn’t learn how to deal with it.)

I think on the back of my mind, I was mad at him more for not helping me preserve my fragile balance, than about saying anything in particular. I was mad because he called, because I felt pushed back to a place, which I had been fighting to leave over the past few days. I don’t even feel attracted to him anymore. I love the memories of us together as we used to be, but I am not sure I love him after this emotionally charged scene (I cried 60% of the time).

How do you know it’s OVER OVER? How do you get out of this vicious cycle of breaking up and getting back together? He wants us to give it another try, and promises to bring back the earlier times (which kind of happened last two weeks before last Thursday’s argument), but I don’t know – my bond with my dad was severed in a fight like that, and this is too painful for me to bear. I feel every next argument pulls me further from my bf and alienates me more and more. I know it is my fault because I see things this way, but what to do? Any advice would be appreciated!

You mentioned that he only had 2 issues, but always remember it’s the little things that count! Don’t begin making excuses for him, The drinking and tantrums are issues he’s always had even before meeting you!

Originally Posted By ShanHi everyone,
Well Im the “dumper” and I tell you what, I am nonetheless torn apart and in hell.
I was with my boyfriend 7 months, we broke up a couple of days ago, and it was a difficult relationship from the start. He kept changing arrangements and letting me down regularly, and then I found out that this was largely down to a cannabis addiction, amongst other issues. But he was such a sweet guy, who I had developed feelings for, so that I gave him chances. [...]

Eddie or someone I’m in need of some advice! While attending college 07′ I begin dating a guy that I ran into from back home. I knew this person from High-School in 03′,he had a strong christian background, which was a factor that attracted me to him. We dated for 1year. I would come home and he would tell me all of these great things like I love U, I will support you 100%, I’m gonna like your father etc. We even kissed several times. During this time he wouldn’t call as often 1every 2 weeks or so? When we were dating it would be a totally different story. After finally confronting him about his lack of calls and the fact that I loved him, he didn’t give me any explanation. Mind you, this entire time I’m crying everyday regarding this situation. Now today 1 year later the same guy is getting married! I’m truely devestated!To be honest, he had broke my heart long before this marriage agenda came up. For so long I wanted revenge, then there was a part of me that wanted to get closure, but now I’m begining to accept the fact that he is no longer in my life! I cried about the situation today! I really like this website the people seem very kind hearted to give advice!

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago. At first he said it was just a break, we needed space. We kept in contact and even meet up 4 coffee. I was sure we were going to get back together. Now he says he doesnt want to get back together he likes doing his own thing. I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else and he told me the last thing he wants is another relationship. We were with each other 3years. I just cant get over him. Every minute of every day he is on my mind no matter what I’m doing. I’m miserable without him. I cry myself to sleep at night. I wish I knew what to do!

We were in love, then I left for college and due to various reasons and pressures, we broke up. We were both miserable with the break up, but it was “necessary.” He had been completely head over heels for me (and I for him) and had worked for months to get me to go out with him. But a couple months after the “break up” (though we still talked multiple times a day, and I still saw him and kissed him when I came home) he started changing.. and fooled around with a random girl that he met one weekend. And now he is just stoic… I asked him if he feels guilty or regrets it, and he said no. But he still texts me to say hi and sometimes tells me he loves me.
I don’t necessarily want to get over him, because I’m in love with him even though he’s hurt me. I would like to think that soon he’ll realize that he made a big mistake and come back to me, but this could just be denial.
Does this seem like denial?

I am separated from my partner and trying to stay strong in my conviction to end our relationship. I keep going in circles with my emotions. I have a 5 mo old son with him and am feeling such INTENSE guilt that it's hard to clearly see the relationship. He's not ALL bad and I keep doing the bargaining thing where I try to tell myself maybe it's not too bad for me to put up with…but I know I would spend my life feeling unloved and unappreciated. How do I find strength right this second? It's day 6 today. I'm really missing him and feeling weak…

Why does an ex (long distance) insist you can remain good friends; if he broke it off why would he want that anyway? I have asked for NC and get told I’m cold and heartless. I love him still (been 5 months) but it hurts to know he has moved on.

Hi! just been reading this site to see if anyone is going thru what I am. When you go thru a break-up its as if you feel like your the only one in the world going through it. I will try to keep it short but we were together for 5 years, the last 3 years were not so good dur to us fighting constantly. Well, last week we got in one of our fights and he finally just ended it with me. He said I was turning him into a different person and that he was sick of me projecting onto him all the time and tired of me accusing him of things. Needless to say, last monday he said he thinks we need some time away. I honestly can say i didnt take him seriously. Well he’s pretty serious. he doesnt call me. So I break down and call him. He gets mad that when i call him I start crying. I cant help it…im so devasted, i dont know what to do. I had to go to the Dr.s today to get put on anti-depressants. At first I thought the breakup would be good, but Im heartbroken, cant eat or sleep. I cant function at all. and I seriously dont think I can keep feeling like this months to come. I called him yesterday and it didnt go so well, he said he didnt know what to tell me and that he just had enough of my shit and our fighting. The fuuny thing is he did call me this morning for me to be aware of this new swine full and to be careful since i am a flight attendant and I travel. This phione call confused me as thats all he said, and basically he was like ok..just be careful…bye. Then of course after we got off the phone i started to bawl. At this point as hard as it is I have decided to not call him anymore. I started taking anti-depressants and it makes me feel better, but very sleepy. I just need to know how to move on. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and appreciate any feedaback!