@Eddie Corbano -

Thanks Eddie
I was trying to avoid the anti-depressants but I was feeling so miserable and i couldnt sleep…now I am sleeping better…I hope to take them as needed and for not much longer. Thanks for responding back so fast. And just one more thing…You advise that I should not call him..right?? Even though i did yesterday, and I ended up bawling on the phone to him. Even though I know it was an unhealthy relationship, why would I do anything for him to call me and want to make it work again?? Oh Eddie, why is heartbreak such a terrible experience!!!?? Oh my!!

@Lauren –

Sorry Lauren! My deal is the same. My boyfriend, well ex right now, told me he swore it has nothing to do with another girl and the last thing he wants is another girl or relationship, and I do believe him. Our problem was that we fought so bad and we were making each unhappy, even though we love each other so much, so needless to say we are taking time apart, even though its the right thing, i dont want it. I have caved in and called him a few times already, and I know this isnt helping the situation, but i just cant help it. Its kinda hard to spend the last 5 years with someone, and talk on the phone like 10 times a day when we didnt see each other…to just nothing..boom..its over!! ughhhh…this is the worst feeling ever!!!!

@skygirl –

dear skygirl,

There are many of us in this state. But please don’t think it’s the end of the world. Yes, it may feel that way at times (I’ve been single for several months already, yet the wound still feels fresh-what with unresolved issues and no proper closure as well as no communication with the horrid ex. Sometimes, I succumb to that abysmal feeling…unfortunately), but believe me, there are better things to think about and there’s plenty you can do to lessen the hurt.
Go out. Get busy. Do things you’ve always wanted to do. You may have your moments. Allow yourself that as part of the healing process. But take this opportunity to grow, to heal yourself and your wounds. Talk to people whom you trust to catch you. There are people who care for you. Pray or meditate. And put a huge smile on your face. Find reasons to smile each day. There are plenty, you’ll see.=)

@skygirl –

So sorry to hear about your pain. I know exactly how it feels, it tears you apart.

Now that I have almost got over my breakup (it happened a year ago) I can look back and tell you what worked and what didn’t work for me.

At the beginning, the first few weeks, you really can’t do anything that can make you feel good. Unfortunately, all you can do is limit the damage you can cause to yourself and your ex. It will feel like you can’t take it anymore, it will hurt like hell, but all you should say to yourself is that now it’s bad, but tomorrow it will be A BIT BETTER. Just a bit. You need to survive hour by hour, and focus on yourself, on pouring out your pain on a forum like this, and not to him. Just vent here, tell us about how you feel, we will support you. Don’t turn to him for support, at the beginning it may feel great to hear his voice, but eventually it will send you into more pain.

I disagree with Eddie. I think anti-depressants are different from alcohol. They remove the “grief” hormones and add a bit of “positive mood” hormones. I think this exactly what helps you get through the first months with least damage to your health and sanity. I used them, and they did help me a lot. I would recommend that. I started taking them 4 months after the breakup, somehow it got much worse by then, and i stopped taking them 4 months later.

Hang in there girl, you are not alone, you will be ok, you just need to go through this time. You will be proud of yourself later on if you manage to go through this terrible time with dignity and respect and love for yourself.

@Eddie Corbano –

Eddie, my breakup took place exactly 1 year and 1 month ago. If someone told me then that it would take me that long to recover, i would have killed that person, because it felt unbearable. The worst thing was – you seem to have moved on, feeling strong and confident etc… and then suddenly those “viscious circles of memory” that you write about just suck you in again – and you get those terrible surges of grief, desperation, tears etc etc. Two steps forward, one step back, all the time. Sometimes 5 steps back.

I do agree with you that no contact is necessary. It feels so unnatural to do it at the beginning – you used to talk and hug ALL THE TIME, and then suddenly there’s NOTHING. All you long for is your ex, his voice, his arms, his e-mail, anything. I think it’s OK to want your ex back, only time makes you realise that it’s better for 2 of you to be apart. It’s not OK to keep contacting them and keep praying that they come back… because they won’t, you are waiting and thinking they are on the way to you, but they are walking away from you, because that’s what they wanted from this breakup in the first place!

But 1 year later, I feel ok. I mean I still think of him every day, sometimes every hour of every day. I still feel sad and cry sometimes. But I don’t long for him like i used to. I know I can live without him.

It’s strange – but maybe it’s natural – but I simply don’t want any relationship right now. I just want “to be”. To be myself, to be indpendent, to discover life the way it is without a relationship. And life is beautiful i realised that!

Thank you so much Eddie! Good luck to everyone!

Hi everyone,
Well I had been with my ex for 4yrs now and about 3 weeks ago he was going to go out of state with one of his friends, well i found out that he was going overthere to meet another girl that he had been emailing for quite a while. I confronted him and he said there was nothing going on and that deffenately he wasnt going to cheat on me that he “loved” me. I gave him the benefit of the dought; he left on a thursday morning and my thursday night he was with the girl. I couldnt take it so i wrote him an email saying we were over ofcourse because he had cheated on me he, he wouldnt read this email untill he would get back on the following tuesday. on monday he called me asking for a ride from the airport i said NO and he got mad and told me “i knew i couldnt count on you” i felt so bad that i said you know if you need a ride i’ll pick you up he said no thanx i already have one. That night he just texted me saying he was back on tuesday he read the email and i asked him what he thought about it and he just said i agree we are not working out. He broke my heart he never admitted he was with that girl eventhough i saw pictures of them together he just left me like nothing. Now I dont know what to do i know i couldnt forgive him ever but i also know he will never look for me again i’ve talked with friends but i still feel lonely i was just so use to him everyday i would talk to him or see him and now nothing i would always go with him on the weekends and now nothing sometimes i dont even go out i just feel horrible. What should i do??

I’m afraid that Eddie’s description of how to recover from a breakup may do a disservice to people who have recently experienced the breakup, implying that they should not feel as bad as they feel. . A breakup is a profound loss and humans experience loss with intense pain from which they must heal, in the same way you must heal from intense physical damage. As emotional pain goes, ending a relationship with someone you love is about as bad as it gets.

If you’ve recently experienced a breakup, allow yourself to feel the sadness and anger (please don’t act on them–it won’t help to hurt yourself or the other person), the sense that life will never be good again, that you’ll never find love again, that no one will be as wonderful as this person. These are temporary feelings and will slowly get better, just as a broken limb first hurts like hell and slowly heals so it hurts less.

In other words, it’s okay to feel like absolute sh__ today because little by little you will feel better.

If you are still experiencing the pain many months or years later, then I think Eddie’s advice is useful. Yes, we do need to realize that happiness is, as they say, an “inside job.”

I found out from another person that my gf of 3 months has been sleeping with 2 other guys behind my back. I treated her so nice and now its like she didn;t appreciate anything. We are both 25. She said she liked me a lot and I wasnt clingy or anything? I feel so empty inside and really feel disrespected. Very depressed and can;t eat. Its been about a week. So tell me why girls CHEAT?!?!

I also heard she was with atleast 15 guys before me. I should have left when I had the chance. Now I got too attached and really feel sick. HELP!

All of us here are sharing one thing in common, that is feeling the pain of a breakup. We all want to know how to get over ex boyfriend and ex girlfriend. And it’s hard. Very hard.
My exboyfriend and I been together for 3 years and we’ve been brokeup for over a year already. My love and feelings for him still going strong.
Unfortunately, I didnt know the reason he wanted to breakup with me until 4 days ago. Yeap, it’s weird but it’s true. He told me that it was because I retarded and embarrassed him infront of his family. It was all out the trip to VN which he went to visit his beloved aunt’s funeral. I stayed at his family house during this time. He treated me poorly that I felt like I dont belong there and I shouldnt be there. It was all by myself in his family. Although it was just one week, I felt like it as a never ending nightmare. A few days after the funeral ceremony, he, his family and I went to the beach. I played with the waves too hard and I was very tired so I slept thru the night right when we got back to the hotel which was 6 or 7. His sister’s friend brought me food while I asleep and the next morning she asked me if I eat the food, I was being honest and I answered “no, I was too tired to wakeup to eat”. And there is the answer to the brokeup. He told me that his sister’s friend is a trillionair in VN and she drove 10 minutes to get me food but I didnt eat it. So that made him felt embarrassed.
When we got back from VN, a few days later he brokeup with me, I begged him to stay. I called him numerous times and left him countless voice messages, but he didnt response. So I went to his house, tried everything I could’ve done. And finally we got back together. Then I found out that he made a profile looking for online date. Whoa! That was shocked. I asked him about it, he told me he just made it for fun. At this time I found myself I have 0 trust for him. None at all. I felt like he’s lying to me over and over again. So I didnt pickup his phone calls since.
When we were together, we had issue with communications. Everytime we fought, we brokeup then madeup. We didnt talk over it. Everytime I tried to talk about it, he tried to avoid. I really wanted to talk about it so we didnt have to fight over the same stuff over again but he didnt want to. Our relationship was really lack of communication. And he hurted me and got me cried many many times. He and his ex girlfriend were still in contact. He had a crush on one of his girl friends. He flirted with his friend’s girl. He called me stupid and embarrassed of having a stupid girlfriend. I know to some people it’s unforgiveable, but I forgave him because I love him. He was my everything, he was my greatest gift.
A few months after we brokeup, I cannot help myself from stop contacting him so I called and asked him to go have dinner and stuff. About about 3 months, I noticed that I thought of him less and less each day so I stop contact him since. I tried very very hard to get my little self in the process of healing. I made progress. But it doesnt mean that my feelings and love for him are gone. It’s still there. So when he didnt see me calling him anymore, he started to call me. He messaged me on AIM asking me to go dinner but I refused. It’s like he doesnt want me to forget him until he get his new love. Until 1 month ago, when I agreed to go have desert with him is when things turned even worse. It was something that unexpected. Yes, we had sex after desert. When he got home, he texted me asking, ” hard to sleep?” I didnt know what he mean by it so I told him to go to bed so he can get up for work early the next day. Since that night, he didnt call me or messaged me anymore. Instead he was ignoring and avoiding me. Until recently, I found out that he has a new girlfriend. I saw his pictures with her on his facebook. It ripped my heart apart. I talked to him about it, all he told me was ” cant we be close friends?” I have no choice, really.
I am the one to blame actually. I allowed him to hurts me. I was stupid and blind that I didnt realize he just used me as a secure wheel. He destroyed what I tried so hard to overcome the depress and pain he gave me 1 year ago.
I truly love him. He was the first one that I’ve ever been with for so long. He changed me completely. I am also his first one that been with him for 3 years. His first love lasted 3 weeks and she cheated on him. His second love lasted about 2 months and she cheated him. And myself, his third love lasted 3 years and no I never cheated on him. I thought he is the one that I would see when I open my eyes every morning. But guess not.
After this relationship, I find it very difficult for me to trust another relationship. I’m scare of being dumped or fooled again. I mean I’ve been in 2 relationships, and both dumped me. I know I sound pathetic but I’m a very faithful person. I cant stop thinking of he will come back, he will come back one day. Cant control it you know. At this point, I feel my heart got stabbed so hard this time, it’s deeper, it’s more painful, and it’s unforgetable. I’m lost in the middle of nowhere, I dont know what to do. Im not motivated of doing anything, not even come to classes or do my homework. I just locked myself up in my room all day long. It’s hurt.

Hi Eddie,

I’ve been writing here on and off, about a relationship I have been having for almost and year now, and trying to break up every now and then, for various reasons. The truth is, it is my very first “real” relationship, the rest of it before was just dating people, and there was zero commitment on both sides.

The fact that this was my first relationship as such (with a very caring and affectionate person), as much as it made me change my views about relationships (before that I totally believed nobody in the world except for my parents could really care for me), also often made me feel scared of being entrapped in a long-term/permanent relationship. And the fear of this is indescribable – sometimes I wonder why.

I’ve talked to my friends about it, when I say, he (my bf) is such a sweet person, and so lovable, yet I don’t imagine this going on for much longer, they all ask me, “are you in love?” And I know the answer is “No, I am not in love”. And this somehow seems to explain it all – why I didn’t trust him enough early on, why I am so scared of being together “forever”, why I often say to myself, we’re totally not for each other. Is that wrong? Being in a relationship when you are not in love?

I never saw me and boyfriend getting married or being together for a long time. I am just not there yet. And I cannot look at him with these eyes yet. There is a big part of me that wants to be just on my own, to travel, to learn more about human relations, to reflect on my experience, and once I am ready for that, venture in a new relationship, I don’t know, maybe with the same person, maybe with someone else. But that is yet to come, and seems too far away now.

What should I do? I am leaving the country and will not be back in a couple of months, then I am going to be living in a different city. Should I try to keep long-distance relationship? Or should I wait and see how I feel about my own feelings when I come back?

I think it would be unfair to keep a relationship in which I am just “not there”. I love the person dearly, more so as a friend and someone I know I could always trust on and someone I would always love to help, any way I can, and I know I will really miss him in my life. But I don’t want to leave him waiting for something that might never come, or come in years time. We never made promises to each other, never asked each other for a lifetime commitment or anything. Yet I feel that by imagining my life without the relationship, I do it disservice.

Could anyone, please, tell me, what are relationships ABOUT? (if not about “forever”)?

Ivyka, I have been where you were 14 years ago. I was in a 10 yr relationship, 5 months before our wedding. He cheated, wanted to be with the girl and moved her in the day after I moved out. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after I had moved out. I was in college and I recall wanting to give up and stop living, but I kept going. It was hard and I went to counseling sometimes 3 times a week to help me through my days. Long story short……Now, I am in my third year of my doctorate program. Dont give up on your education, NO man is worth your life. Yes it hurts, but when the hurt is gone you will have your education to fall back on. The distraction may also help with the grieving process. If you can manage to keep your mind off of the situation for short periods of time throughout the day (when you are in class), in time you will be able to not think about him more and more. Go back to class, get out of the house, and listen to books on tape, watch movies, do anything you can to distract your thinking. I stopped listening to music during my greiving process, becasue I didnt want anything that would evoke an emotional response. It took me a few years to let it all go, but now I am happy and completely over it.

@skygirl –

im so sorry to hear about what happen but you really have to look at the brighter side to everything in life …similiar to the situation of the woman whi wrote below 10 yrs ago her fiancee left her 5 months before her wedding to be w someone else then to find out she pregnant!! that could have been you and being pregnant obviously doesnt mena a man will change his mind to stay either ..take it for what it was a relationship gone dead learn from it and know that theres somethign better at the end of the tunnel…. encourage yourself …evalute your goals and what you want in your future partner and dont waste your time on the past its gone… you can not change a person, you dont have control over them BUT you CAN change the way you respond/ react to a persons behavior towards you… keep yourself occupied and know it could have always been worst.. you have your health, you can function daily without medication its just up to you!! tell your self your better then that and whenever you find yourself backed into that corner of missing him or wondering what you may have done wrong QUICKLY change the subject or revert to a song that reminds you of something good anf fun..reaad a good book think of happy thoughts with your family and most importantly (if you believe in God ) put your worries and anxieties in Him He will give you rest beyond belief… and security in knowing that what your going is just a short time frame …He has something soo much better awaiting you that you never thought possible yourself…. forget the past and move forward… dont let life and its bad situations control you instead you take control of them… with Love Catherine God Bless and Peace be right by yourside babes!! :0)

i have been with a guy for 2 yrs on and off he has never made any commitment to me and i found out he joined a dating site ( he says it was just something to do it didnt mean anything) i ended it . so why am i so heartbroken, i feel so dam weak and stupid. he has lied constntly but he has also made me laugh, amde me feel good made me want to be with him. i know he is wrong, even though he tries to blame me for everything, he wont tak to me about any of this says it does his head in. he cant cope with seeing me so hurt ! i have to work with this guy every day, i dont know what to do. this is my career, so finding another job is not really an option yet as just leaving will have implications for my future employment. oh god itsa mess

Hi,
I am currently going through a break up with a guy i was dating for almost a year. Its been 2 week and im very cut up about it all. The thing that kills me the most is that everything was going so well. There was nothing there for him to break it off. We had a little argument and he said he wants to forget about me. I didnt speak to him for a couple of days, thinking he needed he’s space, until he text me saying he wanted to be alone and the whole ‘its not you, its me’. My friends said to call him to find out the ‘real’ reason behind it all so i can get closure, but he never answered or got back. i miss him so much, and cry about it everyday. I know that i have never really loved myself, which is why i miss him so much, as he made me feel so wanted and beautiful. All i want is for him to call or even text me, but i know he wouldn’t.
In my life, i have always had guys around, as i have always been scared of being alone, but being with him felt so right. I dont know what to feel, think or do anymore. I hate myself more for feeling this way. Everything reminds me of him and we have so many good memories. Recently i have been feeling to call or text him, just to let him know that despite of whats happened i love him and am thinking of him. This is such a silly thing to do-i know, but i guess i have a little hope that if i communicate with him somehow, just the once, then i might get some closure and feel abit better. However, EVERYONE is telling me not too. should i?

Hello All,

I got dumped 3 days ago by my boyfriend. It was a long-distance relationship. I took days off to spend some time with him when he came. I was happy as a kid for Xmas. Then it turned out that he came just to tell me that it wouldn’t work out. He was in a relationship with me for 6 months without real feelings for me. He was hoping they will come – how stupid is that? How can you toy around with somebody else that has real feeling for you? What was the point?

The worst thing is that he used to be my friend so I thought that he will not hurt me, that he is serious about all that.

I wouldn’t think that a break-up will move me so much. But it did. I have been crying for 3 days now. I feel really low. I knew he was not committed enough but I was lying to myself. I should have let him go a lot earlier. Now it is really hard to get over this.

Before he came I was single for a long time – around 4 years – and I was fine with that. I had everything in place and I felt really OK with my life and myself. He came, made a mess and now he leaves. The only positive thing is that he now works abroad and I will not see him too often.

The article is wise and true but on the other hand I feel tired of being the strong one. I would like someone to take care of me. I need support too. Sure, I can handle a lot. I will survive this break-up. But for a change I would really like to meet someone that I could rely on and be happy with not always have to count only on myself.

The worst things I am hearing right now from my friends are – there are other fish in the sea or now you can find somebody else – these are not really helpful for me. I had been on “the market” for some time before and now I’m coming back and I know that it is DAMN HARD to meet a nice guy.

Sometimes I feel like I’m meant to be single and this is an awful thought for me – I feel like I could give a lot to another person and otherwise it will all go to waste. I don’t want to say by that that I have to be with somebody – if there is nobody right for me around I won’t settle for the so-so guy just to be in a relationship.

The other thing is that all my friends are now in relationships and it is hard to celebrate their engagements, weddings, babies, anniversaries when you are totally alone again. We have this saying “the person who is full will not understand a hungry one” – so although I get support from them it is like we are now on different planets.

I invested a lot in convincing myself that this guy had some real things for me and when it turned out that he didn’t – I feel like an idiot and I feel like he sucked out all the good things and support from me and gave me nothing back. I wasted a lot of energy and time on him.

As my friend said – I am opening new chapter but I am afraid that it will be an awful long and lonely one. I am feeling good about my self, I am healthy, I like my job, I have good friends but when I see everybody around in a happy and fullfilling relationships I feel left out. I feel like I took the wrong turn somewhere and I don’t know where I made that mistake and I cannot get back on track.

Hi
Well I am going trough a break up with my ex now we were together for 5 years i meet her in our JR year of hig school and we dated after that about a years and a halve ago she was texting tis guy on how much they miss each other and he would come to her house to help with cristmas decorations and stuff or sometime he was just at her house (she lifes with her mom and little borther) well when that was happening i woud call her message her and come over her house when she did not whanted but i guess i got over it. after a wile i was going out with friends and going to partys and stuff i was also taking deppresion pills bacause she broke with me in during the holidays cristmas, valentines, both our B-days well after i stop asking for forgivenes and stop calling and messaging her she started to message me on my space about how she made a mistake and she whanted me back well i made a mistake and took her back well that was a year and a halve ago and now she broke up with me again because she was fealing that i was controling her and that i hade no trust on her, the controling part i can understand is because we are both in college and sometimes i fealt like she was pressuring me into taking the relation ship further so when i did not do good on a test i would feal depress because it wasent moving forward so sometime i was mad and she would do thing that would make me more mad and i will tell her to stop texting or stop calling withch she did alot, the trust part because she was seeing and older park ranger what she saw in him i dont know hes a park ranger for city park he was the bathroom cleaner well after that i am not going to lie but yea i had not much trust in her is i did before but not i am dealing with the pain and traying to get over it again right now i am traying to joing the air force and move on i am only 22 years of age so i am young and have to move on this thime i am traying to move on withoud the depression pills yea i am hoping she comes back but i dont know if i whant to give her a secon chance or if i whant to call her and ask for my second chance like i gave her once but like evrybody is telling me become something in life that one day she will regret but i am traying to stop on calling her and mesaging her well we have to move on and and become something in life because life wont wait for us.

@Kookimonster – my god everything you say soo reminds me of my situation,although its not a long distance relationship i had….so what has happened??i would like to know if you text him?and did he reply..me and my guy are having a 2 week break after 9 mnths of being together, i brought it all on myself as i knew and was told that he was’nt in love with me…but he liked being with me and liked my company..i could’nt see that i had everything anyway….maybe you could tell me how your getting through this??

@Kookimonster –

You have spoken my own words from the heart. I have said the same thing. I am in my first LDR & am finding the separation time hard to deal with. Either he is so much more maturer than me emotionally or doesn’t feel the same about me as i do him. I thought i found that someone to be strong for me (for a change) just not sure if it’s the long distance i don’t know how to deal with. You have my empathy, my dear. Try not to let the tears blind you, so you don’t see when someone good does come along, OK?

@kristina –
It is a little bit better right now as he left the country and I know I will not meet him for a while. Before he left we were (not together) at our friends’ anniversary party (and I didn’t know it was anniversary). I was trying to hang on and have a good time but when I realized that it is anniversary party it hurt a little. Another thing was that he was having a good time and I couldn’t watch it because I was so sad inside. So I went home when he went outside for a moment. I didn’t say goodbye. Next day he left the country and called me on the way, apologizing, almost crying. He asked what he can do to make it easier for me. So I told him not to be in touch for a couple of days. So we are not in contact for 3 days (seems like forever, though :/).
I am meeting my friends, I am going to visit my family during the weekend – generally taking my time for me.
It is hard not to call or write him as everything that happens to me I want to share with him immediately and then I have to stop myself before I do it.
I decided it will be better if I stick to it for a week. I will get some perspective and he will have time to realize what he misses.
Then I will call him.
I know it’s pointless – he doesn’t love me so there is no point in being together. But of course at the back of my head I am thinking – maybe when I’m not there for him for a while he will realize that he misses me and feels something for me. Stupid, I know…
I generally don’t feel so angry anymore, just sad that the guy I fell for doesn’t feel the same way.
Anyhow, the funny thing is that I have still a plane ticket that I booked 2 months ago to visit him. It is on June 11. So now I am thinking whether to use it or not – just to go and visit the city and museums – not to get him back. It would be difficult though as I would have to stay at his place (he has a spare room) as I cannot afford the hostel /hostel for 10 days there.
I will decide in a couple of days whether to go or not. I will see how I feel.
And how are you, Kristina?

The first thing that you can do is write a letter to your ex. In this letter you are going to let all of your emotions out. Tell him or her exactly how you feel. How much you love them, hate them, etc. Don’t hold back – let it all out on paper. Be as emotional and honest as you want or need to be because your ex is never going to see this letter. Burn it when you are done. They do it in the Soap Operas all the time – except someone usually finds the letter anyway! Don’t let that happen. Make sure your burn every inch of it. Of all the steps to recover from a breakup this can be very powerful.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for producing this site.
I was dumped after 2 .5 yrs out of the blue in January. I had no idea he was even unhappy so it came as a huge shock.
The feelings I experienced after were unimaginable.
I was in denial for a long time and very depressed.
Although I have an amazing circle of friends and family, this website was my ally.
I sat every night and read all the articles trying to understand and help myself.
Eddie is right it is so important to have NO CONTACT, ride the feeling out, if they love you they will come back and beg forgiveness, nothing else is acceptable.
One day the pain just went, all of a sudden your switch will flick, and you’ll feel better and that you deserve more.
I also kept busy every single night so I was not sat at home thinking.
If I can do it so can you, be strong, you deserve someone that is crazy about you,
Good luck.

@Ellen – My girlfriend of two years just decided that she has felt so rejected for so long that she ended our relationship via text! She is beautiful, but in the 4 year of her sobriety and treated me wonderful when she was not raging and yelling verbally and one time last November physically(she slugged me in the arm; while driving like she was a drunk but had not one ounce of alcohol in her blood)…i put up with it but being co-dependent (which i learned about from her) but i also withdrew and internalized by anger by not wanting to be intimate with her like we were the first 6 months…it was a catch 22, she would rage and i would withhold…not good i know but i cared so much for her and she always apologized. After attending a wedding together in early May i had to head to another city for work; when i returned she said we need to talk in an email; i responded “are we breaking up?” with her tone, her reply was “why do you have to go there, i didn’t want to do this via email!” well she did…then we didn’t talk for a week because i thought at least she was going to come over to discuss (she had to get a few things at my place – we did not live together) but she never came by or called. I finally decided to text her (her choice of communication) and told her i missed her, but i had to ask, are you seeing someone?; she responded, “yes, i met someone in AA and she adores me.” Of course i was crying, sad, depressed, did the texting thing…called crying from the work bathroom…sent her two letters…! i was pathetic…but the last two days i’ve seen my therapist who helped me realize i am with or was with a dry drunk who still needs lots of recovery…of course, i am not perfect, i need AL-NON…and learn to love myself.

But this is hard, because i have not dealt with the loss of my mother and now this…she just leaves and now is happy with her AA girl…i guess i need to get mad.

It was nice to read other stories of heartbreak and to know we are not alone…they will go through their breakups later when we are happy and in love again. (of course i hope we get back together in the future when we are in a healthier place – see i am co-dependent!!) i’ll get better.

@Beverly – Thanks I keep trying.
I feel ok most of the time now (it’s more than 2 weeks now) but sometimes I get really angry or sad – like yesterday. I still have this stupid ticket for June 11 and still not sure what to do about it – should I stay or should I go?

Girl i’m am going through the same thing you are i need the answer to except i have 1 child with him and i’m presently 4 months pregnant again by him and i’m so stuck and confused and don’t know if its going to work or should i just let it go but i’m just so afraid of being pregnant by myself

My boyfriend broke up with me, then soon after started dating others and acting like a complete stranger.

The problem now… is that I am just obsessed. Regardless of where I am, I cannot help myself from thinking about him and talking about him. I don’t want to bother my patient friends, but he is always the only thing on my mind.

He recently told me that he truly wants to be friends. I agreed and said I wanted that too. However, he hasn’t contacted me at all since then… and I keep waiting for the call to say “hello” or “I miss you and want to see you.”

I need to stop thinking about him, especially because I am a student, and my grades have already slipped because study time has become dwelling time…

I know I am supposed to “keep busy” but putting myself around people who don’t know my situation feels so fake… I really need to stop obsessing, because he probably isn’t coming back…
Any suggestions for me?

@collegegirl –

I understand totally what you are going through but being friends is just prolonging your pain. Trust me I tried it. When you do speak or spend time with him you will not be able to help yourself from asking him what he’s been doing, who he’s been hanging out with, etc. You won’t get true answers and you’ll know it and be annoyed. Best thing to do is cut off all communication for atleast 30 days. If he hasn’t contacted you within 30 days then make it another 30 days. When he realizes that you are not available and not sitting around waiting you will regain some of your power. By that I mean your personal power. Every minute, hour, day you spend thinking of him only empowers him and it’s wasted energy on your part. He left, he’s busy, and he wants to be friends to soothe his guilt for the way he has behaved. Don’t make it any easier for him. Spend your time on you. If you are in College I assume you are under 30 yrs old. There are so many experiences to come and this is just a learning experience. You will survive and love again. Don’t let this disappointment close your heart to love.

Hang in there.

@Darlene – Good advise! Here’s another piece, for whatever it’s worth: cut off his friends and family, too. I know it sucks. I love my ex’s family and letting go of them was almost as difficult as letting go of him. (After all, the break up was HIS fault, why should I have to give up his family?) Just this morning as I was logging onto Facebook, cringing once again at the possibility of seeing more pics of him and his new girlfriend posted on his sister’s page, I realized: letting go of him completely means letting go of every connection to him, including his family. As long as I hold onto his family, I’ll never completely let go of him. In the end, we have to do what is best for us.

@Thankyou –

Well said.

Hope everyone is doing well. I always check to see if new comments have been posted.

I am currently going through a break up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. He has been my best friend through so much and we say we truly want to stay friends. Though I do understand the need to not contact eachother for a while, I feel as though if we don’t stay friends now then we won’t really ever stay good friends. How can we do that?

@Eddie Corbano –
Hi, I think that this article is good and helpful. I wanted to give you my story and maybe you can help me. My boyfriend of less than a year let me go. We didn’t fight, we hit it off very well. We connected. He lives in Germany, I live in the states. We met when I was visiting and stayed in contact via email and instant messenger. We communicated daily and found that we had many things in common. The thing we had most in common was our great desire to have children.

He came to the states to visit me and it was instant bliss. We felt that it we were made for each other. The only thing is that we lived in two different countries. We continued our relationship via email, IMs, and phone calls. I went to visit him and again we felt like we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We started planning my move. We knew that it was fast but we didn’t want to wait. We were “in love.” (I know cheesey, but that’s how we felt). And since we are older (I’m 43 and he’s 37) we thought that we should start having children right away.

The other thing is that I have a problem conceiving because of a disorder (PCOS). So, I went to a specialist and started treatment to figure out how to become pregnant. He and I decided that we should try IVF. We were so happy. We had everything set. I had a couple procedures done, started taking hormones – felt like crap because of the hormones. And in a couple months I would be pregnant. We joked about having triplets.

He came to the states again to visit and to give his “deposit” to the sperm bank so we could have it readily available for the IVF. And during this visit he also met my family – in which he insisted on doing since we were getting married and having children.

Well, I had all of the medications ready to start the process of having our baby and just two days before he was to leave back to Germany he drops the bombshell. I could tell something was wrong that day. He seemed sullen and was very quiet. He broke up with me that night. He said he didn’t want to be the one responsible for taking me away from my friends and family – from my life in the states. He said he knows that I would be miserable moving to a small town in Germany where I didn’t know the language.

Needless to say, I was devastated. I not only lost the man I thought to be my soul mate, but also the children that I will never have. I am heartbroken. I feel lost, paralyzed with pain, and so helpless. I feel physically ill and numb. I know that “this too shall pass”, and “whatever doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger.” But, at the moment, I feel deep deep despair and a lot of anger.

But I’ll be fine.

I’m so sorry of your lost. Even though you are devasted , don’t even imagine how you would have felt if this happened after you relocated to another country. Thank goodness you are still here and have your family close for comfort. God bless you someone else is waiting for you , someone more special than the one you lost.- Be strong and take care of you.

@Mariel –
Mariel, I’m so sorry. Yes, you will be fine, you seem to be such a strong and determined person. But it will take quite some time to let go of the dreams and the “life path” you envisioned for both of you. I know it is also difficult because you still feel the connection to him and miss him terribly. It will take months and months before these “chemicals” leave your body and your brain. It will be tough before it gets better. But it WILL feel better.

My situation was somewhat similar. We were in a long distance relationship, in different countries, and it felt so strong and “real” that I had no doubt whatsoever that we are meant to be together, and that I would do anything to make it happen. Our relationship lasted for 4 years, and it was a continuous “bliss”, I never felt so natural as it was with him. And then – it was 1 year ago – he dropped the bomb saying that he wasn’t sure if we would be happy if we lived together, that we are culturally very different, and that each of us has a life of his own in own country etc etc. you know…

Mariel, for up to 9 months from the breakup, I thought I was half dead. It all got in circles – anger, denial, grief, peace. And then again – anger, grief, and again and again. Dozens of times…

But now, 1 year later, I feel so much better. Something happened after 9 months – I stopped dreaming of him and missing him. Now I am OK. I can’t date yet, but I enjoy staying on my own.

Keep your spirits up. You will go through this. Vent more in this forum, it really helps.

God bless you.

It’s been three months since my partner of 11 years (living together for 9) dropped the bomb, ran off with another (though he denies this) and basically just treated me with such disrespect (found out he’s been sharing his love the past two years… without protection, WTF?). He left me no choice but to break up everything completely. 11 years demolished in two weeks, i didn’t know it was possible… i had panic attacks for the first time in my life (had to slap myself to snap out of it), never knew i had so many tears or could be so vengeful, running on pure adrenaline for weeks.
But, after 3 months, i already feel so much better. Thanks to friends and family, websites with similar stories (it’s good not to be alone). In hindsight there were so many red flags, but i just didn’t want to see. I was so stuck in my dream of ‘growing old together’ that i ignored all the warning sighs out of fear, of being alone, of giving up/letting go. Why? that’s a question i still need to answer, but getting a bit closer to some understanding every day.

Monday i leave for a road trip by myself for the first time…. very excited and a little scared, but the empowerment i feel from this plan is pretty amazing!!

Good luck to everybody!

Hi,
My name is Sam, a 22 year old living in Manhattan. So my boyfriend and I just ended our year relationship. It has been my first real relationship, and really thought it was it……. crazy right? About 3 months ago, both of our leases were up, and decided it would make more since to move in together. I guess that was the first mistake, but seemed right at the time. He is a bit older than me, 31 with a daughter who does not live with him. The relationship started out great obviously, but then some red flags started popping up. He still goes out like he’s a bachelor, staying out all night and some times not coming home at all. He does some drugs narcotics that I would never do. I think there may have even been another girl in the picture, when he assured me there wasn’t. I found myself changing everything about myself to meet his needs. Staying home and cooking for him because he always got home late from work, and never went out with my friends because all I wanted to do was be with him.Its so hard to love someone so much, but know they aren’t right for you. We are best friends, and I have never felt more comfortable around anyone else before. We can talk about anything, and he just gets me. We both decided that the move-in definitely made our relationship different, and we just weren’t the same people anymore. I feel completely lost now, and dont know how to move in considering im still going to see him a lot. Im so confused, and just need some advice

Hi, my name is Thea and I wanted to know how many years should I suffer from what I’ve been through… 9 months ago or last October 5,2008 I broke up with my boy friend because he had another girl, I discovered that time that they had their relationship only at the internet or cyber love, and they never been together at real life, and sadly, I discovered it through friendster, on how he had shown to every one about his affection to her, and I was so devastated… After that, he dont want me to leave, he said he loves me, but he also loves that girl, I gave him one week to think and choose, If me or her, but after one week, he didn’t choose anything, instead, he simply said to me that things will be alright, but, how can I trust??.. How can I trust that word?… I trusted him ever since we’ve been friends, best friends, till here… I believed in him saying that he roles in my life as my father, my brother, my best friend, and my boy friend, but he did this to me…
After 3 weeks at that time, he didn’t open anything to me, he just did what he used to be when we had our relationship, just like in our normal doings, and it continues until now, I knew he was not seeing her or having contact with her for a long time…. but… my feelings about what happened, I cannot forget all of it, I can’t trust him any longer, it’s as If I like to leave him now, I wanted to forget him, I wanted to shout saying “LEAVE ME ALONE!”, but I can’t, because I know he loves me, but I don’t know If I still have the LOVE that I felt for him at the time he’s not unfaithful to me…. How many years should I suffer?? What should I do?? I cannot forget it….Could I trust him again?..Does he really love me??…please help me… I am still confused….

hey all, my first time writing here and its great that i know that im not the only one going through this. its been over a year since it was over and im still as sickeningly hurt as the day he dumped me. it was a difficult past year for me and i feel now i have reach my breaking point where i told myself something’s gotta change, and that is i have to stop asking myself what the hell is wrong with me and accepting me for who i am and most importantly to love myself. ive been banking too much on his once -every- few- months msn prompt, always awaiting around for that and when he finally did i feel this rush of blood to my head and have stupid thoughts in my head that maybe he misses me when in fact he’s just asking about my well being like he would to someone he havnt talked to for months. having this bloom of hope in my heart is really painful i wanted it badly to go away. i wish i could wake up one day and all this feelings would be gone. its been over one year since its over and i still am not seeing anyone and i still have nights where i would cry my heart out when looking through old pictures. i even rejected a very very nice young man because i feel that no one is as good enough as him. but boy was i wrong. if he’s so good why did he left me high and dry without so much of a proper explaination. it was the most hated ‘its not you its me’ crap that i got and i until now i simply cant accept that. after all this time since it was over we never really sat down and talked about it. the few times that we met up or talked on the phone we only ever talk about general things, never dared to delve in to the nittty gritty part of what had happened. i wanted to talk about it so bad but i didnt want him to feel uncomfortable and im also afraid of saying the wrong things.
so that’s that. after not seeing him for the whole of this year i finally asked him out yest because i bloody missed him so much, only to get rejected. that was a huge blow to my self-esteem and i felt utterly humiliated.

my reason for writing here is to share my feelings with people who’re going through the same thing. this forum really helps me out a lot and i feel so much better that i can relate to the experiences shared here. would love to get some feedback, maybe it’ll help me see some form of light in this complicated journey of getting over someone.

You recommend not seeing your ex after your break-up, we have two children together, this isn’t an opition for us. Do you have any recommendations on how I can lesson the pain of having to see him four or more times a week?

My boyfriend just broke up with me (for the 4-5th time) last monday. It’s only been a week, but a hard one at that. He keeps saying he “doesn’t know who he is anymore.” and he “doesn’t know what he wants.” That’s just not clear to me. What happened with us? Everytime he’s done this, he’s called me after a week or so has passed and I think we’ll be ok for a few months and he pulls the same thing again. What’s wrong with him and why is he doing this to me? We’ve been in a 3 year long relationship and I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, so why does he say these things and what do they really mean? I feel so alone, especially today. My dog who was only 2 years old had to be put down due to an illness. I did text my ex to tell him because i felt he was close to the dog and he knew how devastated we’d all be, and all he said was “i’m sorry.” i was even more upset, because it doesn’t seem like he even cares anymore. Is he finally moving on from me? Someone please help me out.

@Sarah -

Hi Sarah,

I understand your pain but what I don’t understand is why you’ve put up with him leaving you 4-5 times during a 3 year relationship. Clearly he doesn’t know what he wants and you deserve better than that. I am still coping with being dumped after a 9 year relationship so that he coudl “find himself” because “he didn’t know who he was anymore” sound familiar? We too had a dog together that he loved completely. But when I would ask him to take care of her (she had separation anxiety after he walked out) he was always too busy with his new life. Now he calls several times a day, has moved into an apartment building right beside the building we bought an apartment together in and I had to buy out of and still live in. Don’t ask me to explain the logic but I believe that my ex doesn’t know what he wants anymore and thinks that there is more to life than reality.

Hang in there darling and be strong. I’m so sorry that you lost your pup during this heartbreak…..I know it woudl devastate me. All I can tell you is to love yourself and expect the same commitment from your next partner. Don’t put up with less, you are beautiful and if you give love you will receive love.

love Darlene

@Rick –

okay, you need to realize that life is nothing but a bunch of occurances and you can’t get too attached to one experience becuase it will only bring you pain. you had a life before you met that person and you will have a life again. just realize that things happe for a reason and everything is for the better. life is nothing but a bunch of experiences and they all change. dont be afraid of change and try to make yourself happy. that person can not do it for you, that is your job.

PLEASE HELP.
I have been in a great 8 year relationship with a caring and great guy. Despite all the greatness, there were some issues , one issue, that really bothered me. I kept bringing it up on occasions but it never got resolved and last nite it exploded! I just turned 30 and he is 27. We both still living with our patents. I just graduated University and plan to move out as soon as I get a job of my dreams. He, on the other hand, is a sole carrier for his parents and sister and brother. He is the oldest and his parents don’t work, he is paying the mortgage and barely has any money to live on. I have been very patient with that and tried to be creative with picking affordable places to chill and eat out. But I got very upset when I found out that he has 5 weddings to attend this summer (which I am not invited to because invitations are sent out only to family members) and for each one he has to contribute at least $100 and possibly pay for his jobless parents. I freaked out and said that it is unfair to waste money like that . And the prospects of our future look very dim with all this baggage he has to carry. I never pressured him into marriage (I’m not interested in it) but while looking for a place for myself I wanted to live with him. He was very excited…but logically it is impossible when he has to pay mortgage. Mortgage is on his name, and he is not going to leave his folks. He got very defensive and accused me of insulting his parents. He pretty much lost it and I never seen him so pissed off in 8 years I’ve been with him. I tried to calm him but he just said that if he has to let me go he will. Because he can’t take my PMS and these conversations. I said sure! Bye! Then I called him (stupid I know) to prove my point and tried to defend myself that I didn’t insult his folks and he said that he doesn’t give a s**t about me. I stopped calling. This is day 1. I know I am right but feel horrible that I called and looked like a weak stupid moron. And I feel so bad that I didn’t have a chance to explain that I didn’t insult his family…now he makes me feel like an asshole! I am not going to get into details about the memories and good times we went through during 8 year relationship but I am not planning to cal him. Usually he is the one who calls and begs to come back and I am scared that he won’t and that terrifies me. But can a person who claimed to love me more than life itself to just give up so easy? Or is it just the power game? Any thoughts?

My girlfriend of nine+ years split up with me last week; she said she didn’t love me anymore. I’m devastated, she agreed to marry me 6 months ago and when I asked her she said she did love me then. I don’t understand how she can fall out of love after 9 years.

We have a 6 year old son together, who I never really bonded with, I think it was my rubbish parenting that wore her down, every time I argued with him I was pushing her away.

I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t concentrate on anything; we own a house together and have been sorting it out along with other bills; I can’t bear not to see her, I can’t avoid her when I have to pick up and drop off my son. I don’t know what to do. She has always been my only love and I feel incapacitated without her.

I read your article and know I have to find inner happiness but I don’t know what to do with my life.

I work with my ex. We were together two in a half years. It has been six months since the break up… Since then he put up pictures of his new girlfriend in his office, has her drive him to work AND pick him up from work, and flaunts his happiness. Oh, did i mention that he told me that he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” Three weeks after he told me that a co-worker “inadvertantly” told me of his new girlfriend. I am not dating anyone, and constantly think of him. He ignores me and behaves as if he never cared (which I guess is the case), I wanted to leave my position, but in these economic times I would be stupid to do so. Last week he came to look for me. He said he wanted to talk. He said he would call me. Since I never got any closure (he asked me to keep the door open by the way) I agreed…Of course he never called and went back to ignoring me. This Friday I sent him a long e-mail telling him exactly how I felt. I also told him to do me the favor and to leave me alone. I did and still do love him however. The cruelty of his happiness hurts especially since I have to see it every day. I still do pray for him because like I said, I am still stupidly in love. My mind knows he does not deserve my love yet it constantly wanders to thoughts of him. I wish I could get rid of the thoughts. I know everyone says keep busy, but that is a temporary fix. What do you do when you work with the person? I literally have to see him about ten times a day. Even if I didn’t see him, people speak about him around me. They have to since we are in a professional setting and he is part of the team. It hurts a lot. I don’t do drugs, alcohol, and refuse to submit myself to rebound sex or relationships. So, how do I handle this? Again, I reiterate that I have to see him everyday.

@Eddie Corbano -

Can’t access that article (not sure why it isn’t working) but do you address working with your ex?

So i have posted about my once terrible breakup, but now I’d like to give a thanks to Eddie’s advice.

Thanks to the No-Contact-Rule, I have fully recovered from this breakup.

And I used to say to my friends
“I miss him.”
not my boyfriend,
my best friend.

then ir ealized.

my once boyfriend/best friend was gone.
he had changed too much.
so i first used the theory

“ill learn to love the new him”

i never did…

but the other day my friend asked me

“are things getting better?”
and i said
well
yes and no

we can still talk fine
but he doesnt really choose to talk to me

but

i dont really care anymore.

and that was when i realized,
i had recovered. thank you Eddie, you’ve helped me a lot :]
i deleted him from my IM buddy list, contacts list, everyting but a facebook [because its the only one he can tell].

I took this as an experience,
i’ve learned from my mistakes.

And I am ready to find someone new.

@V –

Thanks Victoria, it is painful. I mentioned that I tried to get closure by writing him that long e-mail. Well, today I get a text message from him stating that he couldn’t open the e-mail. He asked me to re-send it. Part of me wants to re-send it, and the other part wants to just let it be. I wish I could make a move to look for another position, but I am under contract for the next two years. Also, I kind of feel like I worked hard to get into this position and I don’t want to give it up. I know that eventually I will come to the realization that he did me a favor. At the moment however, it is so painful and it is affecting me. I wish he would just leave me alone. To a certain extent he has since he does not contact me, yet he walks near my office and stares at me. I have to assume that he HAS to walk past me. I keep saying to myself, It is over, he has moved on, and i have to move on. But as so many bloggers have said here…it is easier said than done. He is now wearing a promise ring, I guess that means he and his girlfirend are going to get married, It kills. I’m just tired of thinking about him. That is the hardest part.

HI everybody, quess i have a unique story here. im 30 and my ex is 21. she persued me at the start and it took her 3 months to win me over and get into any sort of relationship. I thought she was trouble from the start and didnt want to persue it, but of course girls will be girls and she managed to change my mind…. haha. we had been 2gether for just over a year. we never claimed to be bf gf , but just refered it 2 seeing eachother. but on the other hand did everything that is involved with being bf gf. as time went on i became more and more attracted to her and my feelings grew alot. up until 6 months into it she was great.. as time went on she gave alot less affection and sex. but still wanted to spend every day and night with me. she slept in my bed 6 nights out of a week. (i live alone) now as a result of this i became very insecure about why she was not giving me what she used to in terms of affection. so i found a way to get it. a stupid way. i would take her on shopping sprees and spend 1000s on her. do everything for her. almost like her little puppet. cause when i did that i would get kisses and hugs . eventualy i had enough and asked her one night in bed why she was so cold to me and treated me like shit ? she said she didnt know why she was that way, and said that it felt like to her that i was in love and she wasnt. we broke up. the next day she came back sayin sorry ill try 2 be more affectionate. was great for 3 months till quess wat.. she started again to be cold and the sex dropped off to 1 time a fortnight. i brought it up again and she said ok well then im ending it. she said she sore us better as friends and said i deserve better. ok nice of her. but why practicualy live with me and ring me 10 times a day and take so much from me ! its been 2 days now and she persist that we be friends. I recently just got fired and lost my dog of 13years. I feel like im all alone in my house with nothing left for me 2do except wait for her phone call sayin i made a mistake. what do i do? do i give her a friendship? do i tell her to get out of my life ? do i try change her mind ? I know she is upset about it. she could not stop crying the hole night she ended it say things like im never gona find a guy like you and you could not have treated me better bla bla. I am hurting very bad. and the thought of her being with somebody else is making me want to scream! we spent everyday 2gether for a year! not a lie! how am i meant to deal with all this at once ! i need help now. please.