@mark – Come on – you can do better than that. Believe me, there are girls there your age that are ready to give the best to their man in terms of support, affection and sex.
They are confident, know what they want and you don’t buy them with money. Such girl will make you fly.
What do you need your ex for? Why settle for something mediocre?
Don’t contact her, pamper yourself and move on.
No worries, good guys do not stay on the market for long

@mark –
Mark,
First of all, I am so sorry. I understand your pain well. I have been hurting for almost seven months now. The newsletters Eddie sends out states NO CONTACT. I stated before that this is easier said than done. However, I think that you have to give yourself the opportunity to live without her. It sounds like she does care about you…she just is not “in love” with you. I am sorry if that hurts to read. Trust me I know the feeling. Can you cut her off? Can you see yourself happy without her? If you can’t then you will have to resign yourself for the only thing she can offer you. It sounds to me, like you wanted more than what she gave you. Are you sure you are ok to deal with that for the rest of your life? It hurts to lose someone…I know. I would speak to her one last time for a lonnngggg time. I would say that you love her but that she isn’t able to offer you what you want right now, and that it is just too painfule to be friends or anything right now. Again, I am so sorry. I am also 30 and dealing with a horrible hole in my heart. But I just KNOW that I will be happy again. I know you will be happy again too. You just have to heal..even if it is slowly, but you will heal.

i been in a relationship for 5 years, i’m too inlove with him but unfortunately he dump me after all that i did for him it was so painful i still don’t know what to do?

can you give me some advice how to cope up in this kind of situation..tnx…..

Hi ive just recently broke up with my ex of 6 years (last nite it happened) an dim gutted beyond words ive txt her tried to speak to her but she ignores me and its kiling me…not the least as i was dumped “by txt” and havent had a reason why. yeah we had our problems but im just in shock and crying all the time…im 39 male and realy think ill never get over this, its killing me.
my mates tell me to leave her alone and not to contact her but it ain that easy and advice would be a great help…

@colin lyth –

Hey Colin,

Well Darling you certainly are not alone in your despair and confusion. Everyone on this site can relate to your pain and your circumstance.

I am still struggling with my common-law husband of 9 years who walked out in September/08 and now lives in the apartment building next door. He won’t leave me alone but as soon as I am receptive to his contact he becomes Mr. Freeze.

Take a look at my postings on December 9/08 and February 10/09 and do not hesitate to send me a line if you need a kindred spirit to talk to.

No matter what, try to keep your chin up and you (and I) will come through this. I understand it is devastating and because it is so new most likely consumes your every thought.

Darlene

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 yrs. and we are still dealing witht the same issues. His an Alcoholic, and he is always hiding things from me, like he calls his ex girlfriends while his drunk and when I am not around and the only way I find out is by checking on his cell. He gets upset because I check his cell, however since he has done this to me with a couple of his Exs it seems like I always look for something, and the sad part is that I find emails, text etc. He recently got in contact with an ex that he dated while in High School and it seems like he wants to keep her friendship, but I don’t agree with it. She has a fiance, but I just don’t think that is right….I feel that she is the past and she should be kept where she belong…in the past! A couple weeks ago I asked him do remove her from Facebook, phone etc….and just Saturday night I saw a message he sent her where he was claiming that he wasn’t happy with me….she suggested that they should get together….This breaks my heart, and he doesn’t see that this is hurting me alot..

We have been on and off for awhile..and I just cant take it anymore, but I am still there…he claimes that he wants to work things out, and that he wants to be with me….but actions don’t show….

@Darlene –
Hey it’s ok. The same thing happened to me. It doesn’t matter why, anther guy, needs time, etc. It’s over. I felt physically hurt after 3 years and she just left over text and dissappeared. Horriable feeling, that doesnt go away until you ACCEPT that it happened for a reason. Also, I pray to God everynight. Sometimes he say’s no because this is all for a reason, but no matter what he is listening and has a plan for us. It’s been two weeks now since she did this to me and trust me it still hurts bad. very bad. Don’t call / text/ e-mail or stalk though, it makes it worse. And I have noticed when I go to hang out with friends or family, even though I have to drag myself, is the best time for healing. Keep busy and read , even if its just surfing the web. write down feelings to, dont lie, say what you want. God is the answer though, even though you may be mad at him. Don’t be, he takes those out of your life that are no good for you, trust me

Well me and my GF broke up and i honestly dont know what to do now. i dont know what to feel or act or say. i know is pain i wish the very breath that i take would leave me so i would not be in such a shape, can anyone help me?

@Darkhollow –
Take it one day at a time…and keep your self busy…try to hang out with family and friends..praying helps too.

ive gone trough so much of pain in just 3 years… my ex dumped me for another girl.. i loved him so much that i used to write all his messages in my diary..sincerely i thought he is my life partner but al things ended very badly and i was so down another guy approached me by sayin he wants to make me happy… i didnt care for him though.. he did all sweet things for nine months although he knew ill never accept him,,, he talked to al my frens to persuade me to love him… after thinking so much and trusting his words i accepted him… but later things changed terribaly… he broke off with me twice in a month and then gave bad remarks about me to my friends so that he wont be in the wrong side…. he told in front of me that im always second if compared to his friends and did not promise me that he would be committed… it breaks my heart terribaly

Ive been with my man for more than 3 years. In january ‘09, I discovered that he had cheated on me with an ex during the beginning of our relationship. It was difficult but I accepted him back and began to gradually work on our relationship again. I asked if he did anything more with other girls and he denied. Fas forward to June ‘09, I discovered that he did cheat with two other girls last yr with one lasting more than 7 months. This man swears that he’s changed after what happened and is willing to even let me go in order for me to heal and move on., yet he promises that if ever our relationship could be saved, he would make me the happiest person. Should I still take him back? ..confused….

@Gettin’ Better – Gettin Better, your comment helped me. I was feeling low yesterday and I happened to come across your comment. God knows what he does. There is a reason for all of it. It truly pains me to read all of the hurt that people are carrying around. I see it, I hear it and I feel it. If there is one message I want to get out is that there is a God, he/she does love us,and there are no coincidences in life. We should not make a move without putting God first. I know it sounds preachy, but honestly faith is the only thing that has gotten me through this whole ordeal. I have written comments here before. I understand everyone’s pain. I have to unfortunately see my ex every day…and his girlfriend! If it wasn’t for my faith in God, I don’t know where I would be right now. Everyone please know you are not alone. You are all in my prayers whether you believe in prayers or not.
I will say that I have been feeling better lately. I began to re-discover myself and my life. For such a long time I felt like one of those smoking commercials. You’ve seen them…the ones where the people can’t put clothes on, drive, or eat because they aren’t used to doing all those things without a ciggaret in their mouth. That’s how I felt for so long. However, I am feeling much better. I am allowing myself to feel all my emotions and “get over it” whenever I am ready to. I am not ready to date just yet, but I have decided that I will just start to fully enjoy being me. I am doing things that interest me more. It’s time to work on becoming a better person. That way, the next time I do get into a relationship I will be a better person, and fully ready to be part of someone else’s life, and allow them to be part of mine.
Again, you are all in my prayers. You will be better, you all deserve better than the pain that has been inflicted on you.

DEE-
The answer to your question is pretty obvious……DON’T TAKE HIM BACK! End it ASAP!
I would have ended the realtionship after the FIRST time he cheated!

GOODHEART-
Glad to read that you’re doing better.

It’s been a little over three weeks since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Everyday is an emotional rollercoaster. I’m trying to do all the textbook things like hang out with friends and family, read, pray, not drink, keep as busy as possible. I’m sad all the time. I shouldn’t care, but it hurts so badly that I feel my ex is already over me. I erased him from my Facebook friends (in addition to all of his friends) because I don’t want to know anything he’s doing. If I found out he is involved with someone, I would be devistated. The hardest part is that I’m still in love with him. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall out of love with him. It’s terrifying. I want to know how he feels, but I have had no contact with him whatsoever. This is how it should be, I guess. It’s like a death. Suddenly the person who was forefront in my life (besides myself, of course) is now gone entirely. All of my plans have been turned upside down. The rug has been pulled out from under me, and I feel like I’m being punched in the gut over and over. I know I need to find myself again. I just can’t get him out of my head. He still has my heart.

hey dee,
i think that this guy has taken you for granted and will not change, you should leave him because he will continue to hurt you because he know that you love him, he will jus get better at covering his tracks. I know that leaving someone you love is real hard, you will miss all the good times that you shared together, but remember that you have to remember to love yourself, and if someone is hurting you, by allowing this person shows that you love them more than yourself and this is a sign of low self esteem, you have to be strong. Also think about things like STD.. It will be hard but you gotta be strong and remember to say a prayer for him that he allow you to move on and yourself that you can.

Me and my bf .. well ex bf of almost 4 years broke up for almost a month now. We talked for almost everyday because he called me. I’ve tried everything to get us back together. I can feel that he still cares but maybe he’s not in love with me anymore?? that’s why he didn’t really do anything. We’ve remained “friend” since the break up, but it’s so hard for me. We talked again today and I told him how I feel, he said he don’t feel the love or want to be in love anymore. Everything I do is already too late. I feel so devastated. I love him so much and is always thinking about him I know what I have to do and what not but I still feel so terrible.

I just found this site and dont really know how to use it or where even to find the beginnings of the thread. Hopefully I will get some responses to this mail.

I feel rather silly writing this as I did the dumping. I split up with my ex about 3 months ago after an on off relationship (mostly him dumping me at the drop of a hat and justifying it each time). Unfortunately when I dumped him, I did it over something very small and then stuck to my decision. I just couldnt risk my health or happinness anymore. Even though he was brilliant to me in so many respects, he was also at times cruel. Looking back, I try not to apportion blame because I cant really make sense of everything we said and did to each other. Since splitting up, I have been seeing a coach (started with a coaching for work) and she also decided to work on me. This made me see my life alot clearer than previously. Whilst I know he was no angel at all and had his own faults and issues, I can see more clearly my own contribution to the relationship. Whilst a break up in some ways can be dealt with, regret lingers and lingers. I am currently spending my waking hours, going over the times that I have behaved badly or said something inappropriate and want to kick myself. That said, the process that I am going through now is probably the first time that I have addressed some of the issues that have been affecting me for so long. And Im pretty sure that he would not have been able to support me.

I spoke to him the other day and broke our period of no contact to say thanks to him for starting the process in me, that I still loved him and that of course I thought about him all the time. Although its clear that he still has feelings for me, he said that he does not want to risk unhappiness again and that he is speaking to someone else now. So thats that. I am wondering whether I do my usual, stick a lid on it, smile and carry on or should I allow myself to feel the regret. I have to keep reminding myself of what he did as well of course but its all a bit fuzzy.

I think that all sounds a little wishy washy and confusing.

@Amy –

Amy, I was in a similar situation myself. I was with my ex for 4 years, when he told me he didn’t feel the same anymore, and didn’t know if he was in love with me. We tried to work through it, but eventually we broke up. I knew I had to let him go because it was unfair to try to force someone to stay with you when they don’t love you anymore. And you shouldn’t want or have to force anyone to be with you. If you love him, you give him what he wants, and that means letting him move on. Of course you’re still stuck loving him. That was the hardest time of my life. But I chose NOT to keep communicating with him. I asked him not to call or text me because I needed my own space and time away from him. I’m thankful that he respected my wishes. It’s the only way i was able to start to heal. You can’t keep communicating with him, at least not for a while, you need to take care of yourself now. Put yourself first now. Remember his feelings have changed, so now you have to work on changing your own feelings towards him. Making peace with the fact that your relationship was only meant to last for so long. Know that there is a better future in store for you, and just treat yourself well right now. Eat junk food and take a trip with your friends. It’s been a year since my break up, and I’m stronger than i ever was before. You will be too.

Came across this site after googling what to do with myself. Going though a break up after being with someone for a year and 1/2. I guess the difference between it being a “normal” breakup is that 9 months into the relationship I got pregnant. I was on BC, but it failed. We kicked it into gear and he bought a house and we moved out of the tiny home we were living in….. Our son is almost 6 weeks old now. I have been hanging on for dear life and trying to make things work since April. Things started going bad then, he just stopped being him. In May after a huge blow up he told me he just didnt feel the same way anymore. That he just didn’t think he loved me anymore. I was devestated, yea we’d had our issues, but I thought he was just scared about the baby. I did the only thing I knew to do and begged him to reconsider, that I was sorry I was going to stop being so moody and stop complaining about him not being around so much. It didn’t work, I moved into the guest room hoping that everything would go back to normal after the baby. It never did. He asked me to move out and I am in the process of this week. My entire world is in shambles. This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives, a perfect brand new baby, but in reality its so sad. It breaks my heart to think about split summers and every other weekend visits. My baby is wonderful I love him and wouldnt change things for the world, but I have no idea how to get over things. When we try to discuss things about the baby I look at him and all I feel is such hurt, its like my heart breaks each time.He is always going to have to be a part of my life.And its so unfair that he can be so casual and continue on with his life like its nothing and I’m stuck. I dont know what to do…

@TwiceShy –

Dear Twiceshy,

My boyfriend split up with me in Jan.We had are ups and downs and I knew I wasn’t an angel to live with.I deeply loved and cared for him though.We lived together for 2 mths after this.That was hard because he wanted to sleep in the other bedroom and treated me coldly , but we still slept togther now and then.I couldn’t tell him to leave because I didn’t want him out of my life and I knew i would be devestated when he left.He wanted to stay because he said he wanted to help me through it.I have since been thinking that he just didn’t want to go back to his mums to live.The day he did leave he said we would still see each other and don’t think this is the last time- and he wanted to be friends.When he left I missed him so much, and still do.I asked to meet me a couple of times and he didn’t think it was a good idea.When we did eventually meet up 2 mths after he mentioned a new girl he was kinda seeing.Then when he said goodbye he was crying because I was crying.He then took me off as a friend of facebook the next day-which hurt.Now its like he wants nothing to do with me-like i never exsisted he doesn’t even want to be friends or stay in touch-i havn’t contacted him for nearly 3 mths now-but i miss him greatly and hes all i can think about-if he only knew how much love I could give him………

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months.. all because someone told me it would be the best decision. This is the second time of breaking her heart in 1 month… the first time I broke a promise not to speak to any of my exes (which I did, with just a simple hello).

I don’t think she wants me back, and I’m in alot of pain. I wake up, thinking this nightmare is going to go away, but it doesn’t.

I miss my boo… is there something wrong with me? Why did I have to go about breaking her heart again?

I want my boo back.

@Steve –

Steve,

I am sure it is certainly very difficult for you now – but remind yourself of the reasons for breaking up – even if someone else told you to do it, what made you listen to them? There must have been a reason.

What my personal experience has been is that, unless you are yourself ready to break up, no matter how many people tell you to do it, you’ll always feel like going back to the person…Unless you are yourself aware of the fact that you are better off apart, and you have started to accept your own decision.

I hope you find more clarity within yourself in the days to come!

@Tess –
Tess, I’ve been there! After my break up it was devastating, and it was hard to control the desperation. There were times I wanted to call him and see him even though it would just cause more pain. But I didn’t. I just prayed for the strength to get through each day. You have to take it one day at a time, and try to distract yourself. He already has moved on, he’s seeing someone else. Because of that you know for sure things can’t go back. You have to want something better for yourself, someone who will love you forever. It’s his loss if he doesn’t recognize the great person you are and the love that you have to offer. He’s not the one. Take it as a growing experience, this will help you recognize a truer love that will come your way in the future, who will appreciate the love you have to give, and who will give it back in return! Be strong, and chin up!!

@TwiceShy –
I know I am trying to be but all I can think about his him,what hes up to whos he with etc.It hurts because its as if he doesn’t even want to know me like those 4 yrs didn’t mean a thing.I am not the sort of person who could just never see somebody again or not talk to them from time to time after knowing them for 4 yrs-but it looks like he is.I am also hoping that he will come back to me one day that he will see he has made a mistake-but i know im just setting myself up for a fall.Everyday I wake up and wonder will he get in touch with me today.It hurts because he has moved on and i’m still here feeling almost the same way I did when it first happened.I think my self esteem has been crushed also because he said he didn’;t see me as a wife and couldn’t spend the rest of his life with me so you start questioning whats wrong with you and will you ever meet anybody else-because at the moment I feel like I have missed by last chance and i screwed things up badly.I still love him so much but I dont want to anymore.I know he is happier now then what he was with me,he even told me that when we met up.I just wonder if I will ever see him again because its nota nice thought knowing that i wont.I am still friends with his sister because we were close when my and my ex were going out.She wants to go away for the weekend in aug somewhere but i’m not too sure.Thanks for your advice it is much appreciated.

Tess

@Tess –
Take that trip with your friend!! Do it! Going away is a great idea, i did the same thing after my break up, except I went to Europe for 5 weeks!! Take the trip and have some fun! You’re free! Go flirt with some boys. After 4 years of being with one person, it’s so much fun to do whatever you want. So go for it!

@Darlene –

Hi ,

Ive just found out that my ex has another boyfriend after just 2 weeks of being apart im in shock and so very upset.
one of my gud friends says she may have had him before we split up but why would she still sleep with me a day before she dumped me? its killing me inside and dont know what to do?

I’m almost collapsed these days…. I’m just a 19 yr old teen, actually started dating since last year… But we still not in girl-boy friend relationship yet, she is a Christian and she said cannot start any relationship with me…quite religious that type… She once told me that she had devoted herself to God, having the God to tell her the Mr. Right when her 2X birthday….. At 1st i thought, gosh, I’ll never pick her up….But guys, she spent time with me, willingly, we kissed, we hugged… But just before last month, she said she want no more… and i find that she starting to spent time more with another Christian guy (I’m Buddhist)… Now I’m in the deepest dark…I find no concentration to do my revision, will always think of her, our sweet time, involuntary, it hurts…. I went and find her many times, but end up she left without talking…. Someone please help me… to get over this, I understand and respect her religion, I don’t want to get back with her, I just want to recover from the blue moment i going through right now, any help will be deeply appreciated…

@Jonte -
Jonte,

I understand that you feel sad, but you have to just give it time. Try to distract yourself by doing other things, even going out with other girls or friends. Remember that it wasn’t meant to be, and the right girl for you is out there making her way to you. Be glad that she didn’t keep leading you on for a long time. She is doing what is best for her, and you have to focus on yourself as well. This is a good chance to think about what is important to you, and what you want from a relationship.

i saw my ex yesterday in my local bar and she sat right behind me and i made a right idiot of myself i cried and when she got up to go she hugged me and told me to not cry and the hug was a long one, why would she do this whist telling friends for me to leave her alone and move on??? i love her more than ever and confused about the whole thing, yeah i could have left the bar when she walked in but i didnt and not she does this to me??
plz help

@ Colin lyth

We both experienced the same thing, as the Christian girl i mentioned before… When i told her I can’t stand her way treating me anymore and I’ll try my best to move on, hoping she will doing the same… she too, hugged me, cry on my shoulder, yup, long one indeed….made me felt so confused, uncertainty about going to get back together or what…. So ask yourself, is she the girl, i mean the very 1st time you met her, is she still the girl? If she changed…and you felt you don’t like the one now, why don’t just moved on? I done something really cool to myself, have time jogging, chatting with friends, its not hard though~ TwiceShy was right, I wanna to thank her/him….. read the post, it helps though…. Don’t be confused anymore, you don’t deserve to….. If she really wanna to get back with you, then find a time, where you two alone, talk about it…

Hey everyone, I was in a relationship that just ended on July 4th (seriously independence day.) Her and I were together for ten months, but with talks of marriage + meeting her parents and them giving their blessing, I am now confused. Apparently for the last two months of our relationship she was having thoughts that I might not be the right person or we have “compatibility issues.”

She stayed the night at a friend’s house, then came to me and said we should break up the next morning. I end up finding out that she is now staying with her new bf, the friend who she stayed the night with the day before our break-up. All I want is the chance to move on b/c I know that her pride is too heavy to ever come back to me b/c of a “mistake.” The problem is I can’t, I find myself thinking about her more and more, and wondering if I can do anything to get her back. Apparently part of the reason of the break-up is that I didn’t follow through on things I said I’d do. i.e. eat healthy and become more fit, finish degree, etc. I unfortunately have had to stay at our place till August 1st, and she says I look good since I’ve lost so much weight, and nothing more.

I can’t understand that it is so easy for her to overlook our future to be with another man that she is now feeling she is more compatible with. That is my pain, and I don’t know how to get over it. I’d love advice or kind words, anything will help. Thanks friends….

@ Gareth

I knew you having bad time, i knew all of those feeling, the moment that you can’t even keep stop thinking of her for a sec, i was just having the same moment a fortnight ago. I was spending time together with my girl for about 10 months too. Time passed by and i was aware that she was being closer and closer to another guy, and lastly, they did something that I was totally unacceptable… From there we broke up then…

I was being thankful that yea, she told me that she liked me so damn much but just can’t be together….At 1st, i was bit mad, but soon after I figured out that we spent more time crying than laughing… I was grateful then, thanks to TwiceShy again, she/he told me to be thankful that she did not lead me for too long before saying we have to break off. At least now i being more lovely to myself, and i knew whats the next relationship I gonna have..

Gareth, free your mind, eat well please, for the sake of all people at here, please do take care of your health, at least please stop the unnatural weight drop… Second, reconsider, think deeply, are you two can be back together again, with those smiles and loves? Or she had changed, or even you yourself changed? Third, I have to tell you that (I’m not sure) , girls who are dumper always being easy to overlook our future for another, at least I had that horrible experience, they just don’t care… 4th, from what I can see, its NOT NOT NOT your fault, you doing your best for her but she did not recognize it, is her loss, she is doing her best to get what’s the best for her, you are best for someone else, but not her, at least that’s why she said those compatibility issues…..5th, hey! You too, do your best, I knew you should be learning so much and grew through the relationship, its not long, be grateful! Just consider about your future, set a goal, involves in new communities, maximize your chance to meet “the one” that meant for you, just you ^^

Follow advices on this site if you are ready to heal your broken heart and move on(they’re great, thanks Eddie C), otherwise, make up for your current relationship(don’t worsen it)…

hi everyone well i do the cardinal sin didnt i and i wrote to my ex girlfriend 3 times begging her to have me back, she got the law involved and i was given a warning to leave her alone or id be on a harrassment charge. what got me is the copper was very understanding and said she still thinks im a greta guy but she wants closure now i dont know what to do? i know what i should do, but my heart is breaking and she has someone else. my friends tell me to leave it and she aint worth it but i cant see that and it hurts so much…

Don’t beg Colin lyth, if its over, its over…. its firm, she even used the law enforcement….. Love isn’t obtained or salvaged through begging, hell NO!! Be strong….

Remember the NO contact rule discussed on almost every break up site? Well, you have to follow ok? any contact in very soon will get everything backfired…. Trust me… and i guess you having one recently

SO, she said you are great guy etc ? That’s happened to me too, i learn to ignore those word “still love you, but…; still miss you; you are great etc” there should be an article at this site discuss all about it…. tell you what, I once really go and find her(my exs), meet her just because she texted me she still miss me a lot, she having hard time to cope…But when I saw her and met her, she seems totally fine, enjoying her life with another….well… and she was smiling when texting other guy at the time when my tears drop… SO DON”T!!! I have myself looked so pathetic….

Leave her alone, and in the mean time, give yourself space, love yourself, do not urge to fix the relationship. Your life didn’t end that way…. Move on, take care, she will come back after the storm if she loved you like the way you loved her, its a promise… So why don’t you just take a break and enjoy your life…. GO out with friends!! Start socialize… Its one of the best cure of its kind…

Hi everyone..i met a guy 10 months ago…the sweetest thing. we both agreed in the beginning that we would not rush things…but as the months past i grew really close to him. he was the best thing ever…a real gentleman…a little moody but i was beginning to understand him. then suddenly 3 weeks ago we were spending the sunday together and suddenly he had to rush home. i said to him as he was leaving…”let me make things easier for you, dont bother ever coming back” i said this out of anger and am crying now cos that is exactly what he has done…not called or come back. im at my lowest. my heart feels like its bleeding. ive smsd him and apologised for my impulsive behaviour but he obviously wont hear anything. im trying to spend time with friends but when i get home all i do is cry.

Am I to believe that the entire reason breaking up is difficult is because I don’t know who I am, and how to “serve people with my talent?” You discuss the importance of serving yourself, living for yourself, learning yourself, and then you contradict it with being able to serve others…what is the relevence to attempting to get over someone?

Also, what if you have an excellent sense of self? I am a strong minded, independent person, and have always been – I wouldn’t have chosen to be single again if I wasn’t. True there is always more to learn about oneself, I completely agree with that, but to make that your sole purpose in attempting to get over someone? Sounds like a distraction from a very difficult time, when really you should focus head on on all the reasons the relationship didn’t work out.

I have just run across this site. i wish I had seen it 3 years ago when I got dumped after 6 years for reasons I still cannot understand, other than we seemed “disconnected” and insecure with each other in the 3-4 months prior to the break up. And it was not a traditional breakup, he just went out with someone else, no explaination, just gone, didn’t want to talk about it. I have no clue what actually happened and I think that made the hurt, pain, heartache, devistation, hopelessness even worse. I think it would have been a tad bit easier to have had a “I am sorry but this is just not working for me because…” conversation.

Fast forward to today. TIME really does make a difference. I have had time to reflect on the bad memories when he previewed his untrustworthiness, tried to “buy” me rather than communicate, could only tell his mother and children “I love you”, had no long term friendships, three previous marriages, blah, blah, blah.

Despite crippling pain and BTW, my father passed away just 5 months after the breakup so I lost the two most important men in my life at practically the same time.

I spent the first year in deep sadness and dwelling on my mother’s pain instead of mine, helping her cope with the loss of her 50+ years of a really sweet marriage. The second year I was just in a deep, empty, dark hole. I completely isolated and cried every single day over the loss of my ex, my future, our lifestyle together (we had a slew of common interests and had a lot of fun). I missed him in every possible way, almost to the point of not functioning. I was grieving the death of our life together.

But after that second year I realised that we would not have made it no matter how fast I danced to his beat because he is truly so self absorbed and cold hearted I could not have changed that and obviously from his history neither could he. I found a new career path and started very slowly to get on with my life.

LEARN from my mistakes. First, I wanted to be out of the pain FAST. I doesn’t work that way when you are grieving and grief is necessary. So I learned that it takes time to recover. I learned that I should have been better to myself in terms of doing for myself what my friends would have done for me had they been able to be there physically, like taking walks, long baths, listening to books on tape or music, eating beautiful meals lovingly prepared for myself, etc…I did none of that , I just put one foot in front of the other and tried to remember to breathe.

Second, I stayed in my head dwelling on all the wonderful memories and missing his physical presence, holding me in slumber, making love, sharing the start and end of our day together. I should have been dwelling on all the selfish, controlling, abrasive things he said and did and his inability or refusal to communicate about anything serious or important.

From researching grief I have learned dwelling on the good is exactly what people do when they lose someone to death. You never hear at a funeral what a real lifelong SOB the deceased was, only the few tidbits of good he may have done, if the deceased was not a very nice person in life.

I learned from this that every time a delightful memory came to mind I should have immediately replaced it with a very real hurtful one. I learned I should have reset my mind to the reality of all that was wrong with us instead of all that I loved about him. I got very caught up in the but “why?” not the but “why not?”. If he could leave me with no explaination how worthy of my devotion and adoration was he? I learned that he was the fantasy I made him and only when he walked away did the fantasy start to disolve. Sure feels good to be living in reality now, there are no unforseen emotional blows coming my way from someone I think returns my love. That is not love

I am better now, it has been a long road that I could have shortened if I had approached things differently. I hope all of you who are in pain heal soon and replace your lost love with loving yourself, treating yourself as you want to be treated and making that list of all things good and all things bad about him/her and comparing the two in terms of emotional impact and what you want your future list to look like. Read Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” , put one foot in front of the other and when you breathe, do it deeply and realise you ARE still breathing; you are not defeated, you are NOT without life. It is your life and it will be whatever you want to make it. And it can be wonderful loving yourself and receiving the love you deserve.

Do I still think about him? Not often. Do I want to see him? No. Do I want to hear his voice? No. Did this horrible experience help me become a stronger, better human being? You damn right! Am I more compassionate toward people in pain? For sure. Will I end up with someone who possesses his personality characteristics? Hell no.

God bless you one and all and may your recovery be swift, and if not at least complete. And may your next relationship be fulfilling and the one you so richly deserve.

Thanks Priscilla….. your experience is damn appreciated… thanks again for sharing…

My case too, months after we started our relationship, she started to become very fond with another guy, when I ask, she just ignore, and she didn’t want to talk about the guy… She just walkaway, I realise that they had more and more time being together, I was so ***** up….. Btw, at last I approached her and we break up since then… Now recalling all those, I could ask myself “WOW, how did you do that!!” ^.^ I ended it, erm…maybe she did… Argh, don’t care, its over…!

Hi, everyone.
Thank you for sharing all of your stories and advice. To all of the people going through a break-up, I feel for you and I hope you recover soon.

I’ve been holding on to the “time heals” theory for almost two years now. It was two years ago that the person I loved so deeply, and was so devoted to, told me he didn’t want me anymore.
I spent the next few months begging and pleading and crying, telling him how much I loved him and wished he would take me back. I look back at it now and wonder where my dignity went. Clearly he didn’t love me anymore and there was/is nothing I can do about it. He took me back and everything was wonderful for a week or two and he left me again.
He would come back again, said he didn’t want a relationship and I settled for sex, hoping something would come of it. Of course nothing did. My self-esteem and self-worth are gone. I stooped so low to believe that sex would somehow fix things.

I have been in almost constant pain since this all started. I’ve had a few good days, but mostly it is a struggle to get myself out of bed in the morning to go to work. I’m incredibly sad and hurt, at least I’m over the anger now. But I literally come home from work and cry myself to sleep, only to wake up the next day and do it all over again. Life is misery -
I have no friends, no support system. If I had more money I would go to counseling or therapy…

I just wanted to share my experience. I know people would recommend getting out and meeting new people, but I just can’t. I’m hopeless.
The worst part is that I came to the realization that he never loved me in the first place and he was stringing me along – for companionship and sex.
I can’t be in another relationship either, because I don’t love myself or know myself anymore and I can’t depend on my next boyfriend to help me deal with that.

Thanks for reading…good luck to all of you.

@GiGi –
Gigi, I understand your pain. I am so deeply sorry that you had to go through that. At the very least you learned a few important lessons in life. It is good that you are not trying to jump into another relationship. It is obvious you are not ready for it. I understand that you feel lonely. I did too for such a long time. I have a few suggestions: First physical movement. Throw on an old pair of sneakers and run around the track, or your neighborhood. I’ve been doing a bit of research and the research states that working out and drinking water can benfit and cure depression. The secomd suggestion is to forgive. Find a quiet time. turn off the tv, radio, etc. call to mind all of those horrible moments that you lived through with your ex. Every hurt, every pain, every moment he made you feel less…and forgive him for every single time. Now, I am NOT suggesting you or anyone call or try to communicate with your ex for any reason. This is process of forgiveness IS NOT for them. It is for you. If you can find it in your heart to forgive and say it out loud, then you will slowly feel better and be able to move on. I did it. I recalled all of my most painful memories, and forgave my ex. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t speak to him (p.s. he and I work together you can read my previous comments above.) It’s not that I hate him or want anything bad to happen to him, I just need to protect and love myself for a while. You need to do the same. You are valuable and worth a lot. God loves you and you are here for a reason. Forgive him, and forgive yourself. You did what you did because that’s what you thought love was about.

Also, to anonymous. NO-ONE is ignoring their issues. As a matter of fact, I believe everyone here is trying to reach a better level of understanding.

It is so nice touching to here all the support from other people on here.I went through a break up in Jan and still feeling rotten about it.I thank every body on here for the kind words of advice they ahve shared.It is true you have to keep yourself busy and go out with friends etc.I feel that it is hard to do this as you feel like you are stuck in a rut.Is it really just time that is needed?I feel like i am getting better then something happens-its my own fault looking at his profile pic on face book (were not friends on face book thou) and seeing him looking happy with his new girlfriend).how can he be so insensitive when he knew how i took the break up and how much i cared for him?Like i said im not doing myself any favours.I just find it so hard to understand that you can be so close to sombody then they just leave u-he said we would see each other even when we had our own bf’s and gf;s-made me feel like he still cared-i thought i knew him so well .He is seeing somebody else now it makes me physically sick;i know he deserevs happiness but why does he have to finsish with me,put me through hell after and then be happy again with somebody else.That is why I have lost all my faith in life.i feel just like giving up as i ahave no faith left anymore.I am seeing a counseller and taking anti depressents;have tried to help myself but i just want to be with him.I feel like he has died as i will never see him again.His sister who he is quite close to ,still wants to be my friend as we were very close.We are planning a weekend away together but im not so sure this is a good idea.What do people think?

GiGi,

I so feel your pain. You are stuck and if you could go to therapy I think that a good therapist would tell you that you are so stuck in that hole with these awful feelings that you may be afraid to climb out. Afterall this has become a familiar place after 2 years of exile, anything else might be scarry. I would suggest a few ideas. First , be quite sure that you are not obsessed with this ex., obsession can be quite detremental to your “real” life. If you feel like you are obsessed and cannot think about anything or anyone else for very long, I urge you to find a therapist who takes patients on a sliding scale or seek out clergy (muster the strength to make a few calls and find out who works well with women, not necessarily someone in your own church that you’d have an onging church relalationship with), or if you live in an area where there is a domestic violence, rape crisis, or women’s shelter or center, talk to those folks and find out who in your area works with women probono. You may be surprised what your options are. Second, when I said take it slowly one step at a time that rate of activity is different for everyone. You may not be able to run around the track yet but can you put on your walking shoes and just walk around your home or back yard? The simple act of putting on those shoe will have a positive affect.

Thirdly, I am concerned at how isolated you are, while you may not feel like socializing but this self imposed incarceration in your home is very dangerous. If you don’t want to see or talk to friends that’s fine but be prepared for them to move on while you have beeen “away”. It may be hard to reconnect when you finally feel like doing so. Go to the grocery store and really “browse” the isles, go to the farmer’s market and check out the produce, go to a junk or antique store and just look around, go anywhere that you may not run into people you know but will get you out of the house. I have a sneaking suspicion that when you are at home your are in the bed or lying on the sofa. For your sanity you must get up and get out even if you cannot do physical exercise right now.

Whatever you can do to get unstuck, start today with one little thing and add another little thing tomorrow even if it is just making your bed or cleaning out a closet or cupboard, everyday do some simple little thing that takes a few minutes because every minute you are not thinking about him is minute toward your future. It takes time but you already have lost time, so what if it takes time? Get yourself in a good place anyway you can so that eventually you can move on and not just mark time and eventually make yurself a great person to be in a relationship.

Love is a lot of things but it is not the kind of pain you are in. God bless and give yourself some credits for lessons learned and give yourself the love he was too stupid to see that you deserve.

hey guys,

been with my bf for 3 years, today is day 3 of my break up. its really hard when u lose not only ur boyfriend but ur best friends and soul mate. i’m a very postive person and even i’m having problems with this. i know that things happen for a reason and time heals all. the problem i had in my relationship was the lack of communcation from his part. i love talking so no problem for me. also drugs had a big impact on him. he was in denile and always thought it was my fault. he could never see his faults. i reslied that i lost myself and didnt follow my dreams and goals anymore as i put him 1st and let myself go. i’m now able to reach all my goals and dream. i think about him and have a bit of a cry, i dnt know how i will go on in my life without him but all i know is u have to keep busy and not dweell on things to much. everytime u wann call or sms them call a closer friends. its like any kind of addiction. the feeling and erge will pass. u just have to be strong and hang in there. take the time to love urself again and do things that make u happy. use everything as a learning expereince. ur at a cross road. ucan either feel sorry 4 urself, cry or move on. once the pain is over i know i will look back and be very porud of myself for overcoming this. if he is my tru love he will come back changed. u can never change anyone but u can change ur situation. good luck with u all and stay positive.

xoxox

I just got a divorce and its the worst thing that every happen in my life. My EX She’s livein in my house for now but with a new man and my step son I know everything over between us but i cant stand someone else live in my house i need to get over this because i mma only 24 and about to turn 25 there so many pain that go throw me and the worst is that i want to txt her and call her but there no point if anyone can help me out by pointing me to the right direction

@Douang Sisouvong –

hey,
since she has moved on with some1 else. maybe u should move on to. its for ur best intersted. ur still young and have lots of chances 4 love again. knwo its hard coz she is ur everythign and u just wann be with her. but u have to be strong and give it time. dnt call or sms coz it will only hurt u more. face to face is alway the best option. maybe tlak to a conculor. go out with some mate and have fun

Goodheart and Priscilla- thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. You both offer very good advice. I’m going to try some of the things you recommended because I can’t live like this anymore. Thank you.

I’m form a small town about 6000 people and all we have here are bar I don’t feel like drinking because it make me think about her. Its hard everybody know either so u cant run away from all of this.

@Sara – Sara,
i understand where your comming from, you see my boyfriend was like that too in a similar way, like he would talk to his friends alot, and hang out with them too much. and like thoes girls flirted with him on purpose, until one day i stepped up and told him i couldnt do it anymore, it was either them or me and he finally stopped, i also showed him examples of like what if i did the same to him with my guy friends n he started understanding me…i suggest since youve been with him for so long, that you need to step it up and probably go talk to a marriage counceler, i mean the BOTH of you because what if god has a better guy out there for you?

I’m in my forties and have been divorced 6 years. I have an 8 year old son and dated a woman I met online for 17 months. She is a mother of two girls 25 and 21 and a HS Principal which I thought was an ideal combination. I ended the relationship a month ago because she did not make any effort to connect to my son. She was not mean to him but she got easily annoyed by the “kid stuff” and made outrageous comments like”why do you have to attend your son’s soccer games on our weekend” or “if we go to the movies, you and your son can go to your movie and I’ll go to a different one”. Although she wanted to marry me, I fely like she was in love with “our time” and not the time together with my son. I feel like I let her off the hook, although I think she would have continued without expressing her true feelings. I feel deceived and angry.
In addition, another hurtful red flag was when I gave her a nice diamond necklace for her birthday and she returned it for something larger wihtout discussing it with me.
The reason I’m writing is that although I made the right decision, I keep dwelling on her, crying often, sending her texts and phone messages (nothing nasty or threatening) that have resulted in a phone block and I even showed up at her house for a face-to-face which was very disheartening.
I want to break free before I’m considered a stalker but am having a hard time. Please help.