Kidron Southern africa age 31  have a 3 yr old  was in a relationship for 9yrs before she had an affair. it gets better  keep in contact kidronr@worgroup.co.za

I’m so sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you.

Hang in there, if you think that you can go on just post here.

Eddie

I have been in some stupid relationships and some that were so bad i thought i’d never make it through with the abuse and cheating. I am 27 and my exboyfriend is 36. We both worked at the same police department as patrol officers(i know dont date anyone you work with, i don’t listen). We worked together for 2 1/2 years without talking to eachother because we worked opposite shifts. When we finally did talk it was because he was working overtime on my shift. He was still married when he began to tell me about his broken heart and how he was treated in the 1 year marriage with her. We talked about all the things we both wanted in life. He has two children from a previous marriage. His recent wife hated his children, that bothered me a lot. Well he filed for divorce and we began to date. We met eachothers families, i met his children everything seemed perfect until he called me one day telling me he recieved an email from her and hewas havign second thoughts about the divorce. I fell apart, i couldn’t believe it. So i pushed through all the pain and hurt, daying i understood. The truth is i didn’t understand. He was so unhappy but is going back? Well 8 days passed and of the 8th day i recieved a phone call from him upset and crying that he hurt me and he wanted to make things work. Well i thought about it and realized we all make mistakes and if it took him going back to realize why he left in the first place, well i was willign to try one more time. So a month went by Christmas new Years spending time with eachothers families. (everyone at work was happy we were together, they saw both of us finally happy). Well i made a pistake by constantly bring up him leaving me again and it caused friction between us a lot because i was feeling a little insecure with questions about us. Well he assured me he wasnt goign anywhere. We began to look at houses and he even told his children we were goign to get a house. His children and i get along great. The week before my birthday he was distant and not acting himself.  2 days before my bday he called me and told me he cant do this anymore and he still loves his wife and he needs to try one more time with her because the feelings just won’t go away. I was pissed, hurt and confused. I tried to back off but i had so many questions about WHY. She had a boyfriend livign at a house he was paying for, he moved out when he filed. He said he wasn’t movign back in and wasn’t bringing his children around her until he saw she changed. She has cheated, hit him and made fun of him for having cancer. I stood by him as a bandaid i suppose. Being mad i ahve realized doesn’t stop the pain.

So here i am 5 days without contact and i have my days where i swear im fed up and done, then the days like today nothing seems to make me see the light. My friends even co-workers tell me i deserve better but wait, i dont’ want anyone else. I want to make it work with this man who has a piece of my heart.

I am currently seeing a therapist because in the same month he went back to her,  i was laid off. The only good thing is i don’t have to see him.

I guess im writing this to vent and maybe a little advice. I am sure i’ve heard it all from friend but maybe an outside unbiased opinion might help.

I miss him a lot and would like to make things work one day but what if those “feelings” come back again? His court date is in 2 1/2 weeks. We were together for 4 months. Not long but hey when ya click, ya click.

Thanks for reading…

Best of wishes to you all!

I am 42 years old, male, and it has been 30 days exactly since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. She is 40. It has been pure hell and torture, especially the first few weeks…I still go through hours where I just dwell on her even though my mental health counselor told me that it is the same thing as eating poison…I still do it. I need to stop myself from doing this!

I am a marathon runner, so getting out to exercise by running helps a lot. I recommend physical activity for anyone who is stuck like that.

Also, spending time with my family has been great. I never saw much of them (parents, brothers, sister, neice, nephew) while I was with my ex-girlfriend but now I see them every day.

Most of all, more time spent with my son. I have realized that he is everything, he is 8 years old, and I should have been focusing more on him anyway.

For people who may not have children or family…there are always friends. I spent much time talking with my friends. I never could when with my ex-girlfriend because she was so jealous, especially of women. It helps a lot to know that you have friends you can count on out there.

Getting in to see a counselor has helped so much! I make two vists every week, for the past four weeks. I could not have done as well as I have without the assistance and guidance of my counselor. Even though it still feels at times that I am falling apart, I do know that I am getting stronger and stronger, letting go of her every day more and more.

It is tough because we lived together. I immediately got a great new apartment. Also, I spend much time focusing on my spirituality, which I had neglected because she is not spiritual at all. That has helped so much too.

What has helped the most, however, is no contact at all with her. She tried calling me 10 days in, but I just hung up. She took to contacting my friends, crying, saying that she still feels for me, etc etc. It was wise for me not to fall into the trap of responding to her. Because what happened was 100% her fault and she is feeling very guilty. I am told that she looks terrible. Drinking, smoking, unkempt appearance, etc. 

She also has contacted my mother. But my mother knows what she did to me, and wants nothing at all to do with her. My mother was not rude or disrespectful to her, but she did not take her up on her offer to go out for coffee. Thanks mom!

I still love her though, and always will. I have been in several “heavy” relationships including a marriage in my life. I would have to say that I had never loved anyone as much as I had loved this woman. We were going to be married. But it was just all wrong in many ways.

At the start of the 30 days, I felt very confused. I really hated her for what she did. It had nothing to do with cheating. Let’s just say that she betrayed me to such an extent that I can never trust her ever again. Let’s just say that she is a dangerous person and wants to hurt me.

I felt very bitter at the beginning, but it was confusing because at the same time I knew that I loved her still and would have taken her back at any second…then I realized that she is not the type of person who necessarily knows what love is. I was equally to blame though, because I did everything for her and constantly looked to her to fulfill my sense of identity. We basically were doing the same things to each other; choking each other out…it was not healthy.

Around the third week (last week), I could start to feel things shifting a little. I began to be able to stop thinking about her so much. I cannot lie and say that I was able to stop thinking about her altogether…I still do so very much. I still love her! But the world did shift last week. I could sense something in me change, like I knew it is only a matter of time before I will be able to heal and move on.

I still love her so much. I loved the good times that we shared together. But we were wrong from the very beginning. She has a lot of past issues that she could not avoid bringing into our relationship. But I cannot blame her fully, as I have stated. I should have been smart enough to not only realize this early on (which I DID, but did nothing about it), but I also should have made the decision to break up with her at that early stage.

The sexual relationship was one of the things that made us so great together. It was the most intense and powerful I have ever had. I still find myself thinking sometimes that I will never find anyone who wants to share time, to love me, to be with me, to live with me, to share life with me, as much as this woman wanted (wants?) to. It is so difficult to stop looping into those thoughts once they start. Because it is true: I have never in my life met anyone who loved me and wanted to be with me so much.

But was it really love from her? She was insanely jealous…to the point of violence. I never did anything to indicate that I was remotely interested in anyone else though. I always told her that she would be the only person for me, that she fulfilled my every need and desire and that I would love her forever and into our old age days. This was never enough for her though.

I am not sure if she really understands love. Love to me, is something that you cherish and protect, and nurture and want to make sure is safe so that nothing bad will ever happen to it. I cannot see how abuse and violence fits in with any of that.

From what I have heard from my friends and my mother, she is thinking of getting back with me. She had to leave town 10 days ago, I guess living in our old place was getting to her. She did tell my friends that she hates it in there and wants to move out. I don’t know when she is going to come back to town. It is very good that she is gone. Hopefully she is doing some healing of her own. She never has, to my knowledge. If she comes back and still tries to contact me, she will still discover that we are in two very different places: I am moving on, and she is still stuck in the unhealthy place.

I do not want to sound resentful towards her. But the fact is, she did things that she knows are her own fault. She has been feeling guilt and remorse as a result. She knows that she was wrong. She knows what she did. I have never felt so betrayed or hurt. How can I ever take her back? To do so would be ridiculous. It would be like eating poison again.

I hate smokers and smoking…my counselor compared my feelings for her to smoking. An addiction. I am addicted to loving her even though I know that it is poison and can kill me, just like smoking can. I should be quitting her, just as I quit smoking 10 years ago.

People, you can and will move on! Even though you cry and think and loop in your mind…and think that this person was the only one, “the one,” your soul mate, you cannot stop thinking about the good times with them, you minimize the bad times and think that you can get back together and get around them, etc etc. Dangerous thinking for your mind. Don’t do it!

I am very bad for looping like that. In the past 30 days, I had to gradually wean myself off of that kind of thinking. I still do it though. I drive around town and still see her vehicle, but of course it is not hers…same make and model though. I still smell her, see her, taste her, hear her voice…bad thinking! I even still look at all of the pictures that I took of her on my camera phone once in a while. Bad!

But I am getting more and more control over these bouts of grief and despair and heartbreak. It has taken so long though. 30 days! I can’t wait to see how I am after another 30 days.

This person has touched my life in ways that it seems nobody else ever will be able to. That is how it feels. It is hard to move on. She is still living in my mind. I still love her and it feels as if I always will. Maybe I will. But we were wrong for each other. Miss Right will come along one day.