I have been in some stupid relationships and some that were so bad i thought i’d never make it through with the abuse and cheating. I am 27 and my exboyfriend is 36. We both worked at the same police department as patrol officers(i know dont date anyone you work with, i don’t listen). We worked together for 2 1/2 years without talking to eachother because we worked opposite shifts. When we finally did talk it was because he was working overtime on my shift. He was still married when he began to tell me about his broken heart and how he was treated in the 1 year marriage with her. We talked about all the things we both wanted in life. He has two children from a previous marriage. His recent wife hated his children, that bothered me a lot. Well he filed for divorce and we began to date. We met eachothers families, i met his children everything seemed perfect until he called me one day telling me he recieved an email from her and hewas havign second thoughts about the divorce. I fell apart, i couldn’t believe it. So i pushed through all the pain and hurt, daying i understood. The truth is i didn’t understand. He was so unhappy but is going back? Well 8 days passed and of the 8th day i recieved a phone call from him upset and crying that he hurt me and he wanted to make things work. Well i thought about it and realized we all make mistakes and if it took him going back to realize why he left in the first place, well i was willign to try one more time. So a month went by Christmas new Years spending time with eachothers families. (everyone at work was happy we were together, they saw both of us finally happy). Well i made a pistake by constantly bring up him leaving me again and it caused friction between us a lot because i was feeling a little insecure with questions about us. Well he assured me he wasnt goign anywhere. We began to look at houses and he even told his children we were goign to get a house. His children and i get along great. The week before my birthday he was distant and not acting himself.  2 days before my bday he called me and told me he cant do this anymore and he still loves his wife and he needs to try one more time with her because the feelings just won’t go away. I was pissed, hurt and confused. I tried to back off but i had so many questions about WHY. She had a boyfriend livign at a house he was paying for, he moved out when he filed. He said he wasn’t movign back in and wasn’t bringing his children around her until he saw she changed. She has cheated, hit him and made fun of him for having cancer. I stood by him as a bandaid i suppose. Being mad i ahve realized doesn’t stop the pain.

So here i am 5 days without contact and i have my days where i swear im fed up and done, then the days like today nothing seems to make me see the light. My friends even co-workers tell me i deserve better but wait, i dont’ want anyone else. I want to make it work with this man who has a piece of my heart.

I am currently seeing a therapist because in the same month he went back to her,  i was laid off. The only good thing is i don’t have to see him.

I guess im writing this to vent and maybe a little advice. I am sure i’ve heard it all from friend but maybe an outside unbiased opinion might help.

I miss him a lot and would like to make things work one day but what if those “feelings” come back again? His court date is in 2 1/2 weeks. We were together for 4 months. Not long but hey when ya click, ya click.

Thanks for reading…

Best of wishes to you all!

I am 42 years old, male, and it has been 30 days exactly since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. She is 40. It has been pure hell and torture, especially the first few weeks…I still go through hours where I just dwell on her even though my mental health counselor told me that it is the same thing as eating poison…I still do it. I need to stop myself from doing this!

I am a marathon runner, so getting out to exercise by running helps a lot. I recommend physical activity for anyone who is stuck like that.

Also, spending time with my family has been great. I never saw much of them (parents, brothers, sister, neice, nephew) while I was with my ex-girlfriend but now I see them every day.

Most of all, more time spent with my son. I have realized that he is everything, he is 8 years old, and I should have been focusing more on him anyway.

For people who may not have children or family…there are always friends. I spent much time talking with my friends. I never could when with my ex-girlfriend because she was so jealous, especially of women. It helps a lot to know that you have friends you can count on out there.

Getting in to see a counselor has helped so much! I make two vists every week, for the past four weeks. I could not have done as well as I have without the assistance and guidance of my counselor. Even though it still feels at times that I am falling apart, I do know that I am getting stronger and stronger, letting go of her every day more and more.

It is tough because we lived together. I immediately got a great new apartment. Also, I spend much time focusing on my spirituality, which I had neglected because she is not spiritual at all. That has helped so much too.

What has helped the most, however, is no contact at all with her. She tried calling me 10 days in, but I just hung up. She took to contacting my friends, crying, saying that she still feels for me, etc etc. It was wise for me not to fall into the trap of responding to her. Because what happened was 100% her fault and she is feeling very guilty. I am told that she looks terrible. Drinking, smoking, unkempt appearance, etc. 

She also has contacted my mother. But my mother knows what she did to me, and wants nothing at all to do with her. My mother was not rude or disrespectful to her, but she did not take her up on her offer to go out for coffee. Thanks mom!

I still love her though, and always will. I have been in several “heavy” relationships including a marriage in my life. I would have to say that I had never loved anyone as much as I had loved this woman. We were going to be married. But it was just all wrong in many ways.

At the start of the 30 days, I felt very confused. I really hated her for what she did. It had nothing to do with cheating. Let’s just say that she betrayed me to such an extent that I can never trust her ever again. Let’s just say that she is a dangerous person and wants to hurt me.

I felt very bitter at the beginning, but it was confusing because at the same time I knew that I loved her still and would have taken her back at any second…then I realized that she is not the type of person who necessarily knows what love is. I was equally to blame though, because I did everything for her and constantly looked to her to fulfill my sense of identity. We basically were doing the same things to each other; choking each other out…it was not healthy.

Around the third week (last week), I could start to feel things shifting a little. I began to be able to stop thinking about her so much. I cannot lie and say that I was able to stop thinking about her altogether…I still do so very much. I still love her! But the world did shift last week. I could sense something in me change, like I knew it is only a matter of time before I will be able to heal and move on.

I still love her so much. I loved the good times that we shared together. But we were wrong from the very beginning. She has a lot of past issues that she could not avoid bringing into our relationship. But I cannot blame her fully, as I have stated. I should have been smart enough to not only realize this early on (which I DID, but did nothing about it), but I also should have made the decision to break up with her at that early stage.

The sexual relationship was one of the things that made us so great together. It was the most intense and powerful I have ever had. I still find myself thinking sometimes that I will never find anyone who wants to share time, to love me, to be with me, to live with me, to share life with me, as much as this woman wanted (wants?) to. It is so difficult to stop looping into those thoughts once they start. Because it is true: I have never in my life met anyone who loved me and wanted to be with me so much.

But was it really love from her? She was insanely jealous…to the point of violence. I never did anything to indicate that I was remotely interested in anyone else though. I always told her that she would be the only person for me, that she fulfilled my every need and desire and that I would love her forever and into our old age days. This was never enough for her though.

I am not sure if she really understands love. Love to me, is something that you cherish and protect, and nurture and want to make sure is safe so that nothing bad will ever happen to it. I cannot see how abuse and violence fits in with any of that.

From what I have heard from my friends and my mother, she is thinking of getting back with me. She had to leave town 10 days ago, I guess living in our old place was getting to her. She did tell my friends that she hates it in there and wants to move out. I don’t know when she is going to come back to town. It is very good that she is gone. Hopefully she is doing some healing of her own. She never has, to my knowledge. If she comes back and still tries to contact me, she will still discover that we are in two very different places: I am moving on, and she is still stuck in the unhealthy place.

I do not want to sound resentful towards her. But the fact is, she did things that she knows are her own fault. She has been feeling guilt and remorse as a result. She knows that she was wrong. She knows what she did. I have never felt so betrayed or hurt. How can I ever take her back? To do so would be ridiculous. It would be like eating poison again.

I hate smokers and smoking…my counselor compared my feelings for her to smoking. An addiction. I am addicted to loving her even though I know that it is poison and can kill me, just like smoking can. I should be quitting her, just as I quit smoking 10 years ago.

People, you can and will move on! Even though you cry and think and loop in your mind…and think that this person was the only one, “the one,” your soul mate, you cannot stop thinking about the good times with them, you minimize the bad times and think that you can get back together and get around them, etc etc. Dangerous thinking for your mind. Don’t do it!

I am very bad for looping like that. In the past 30 days, I had to gradually wean myself off of that kind of thinking. I still do it though. I drive around town and still see her vehicle, but of course it is not hers…same make and model though. I still smell her, see her, taste her, hear her voice…bad thinking! I even still look at all of the pictures that I took of her on my camera phone once in a while. Bad!

But I am getting more and more control over these bouts of grief and despair and heartbreak. It has taken so long though. 30 days! I can’t wait to see how I am after another 30 days.

This person has touched my life in ways that it seems nobody else ever will be able to. That is how it feels. It is hard to move on. She is still living in my mind. I still love her and it feels as if I always will. Maybe I will. But we were wrong for each other. Miss Right will come along one day.

My impression is that it’s nothing, just a lot on her plate right now… I wouldn’t worry.

But you should talk about your concerns and needs with her…

Eddie

I had a similar experience, I met my guy when he already had “a gf”, well, he told me this after we made out a couple of times. He did make out with me cos he was having trouble with this girl, basically she didnt want him fully. I got stuck with him, even though, eventually they resumed to be together, i couldnt help but keep calling him or going to see him, it was very painful cos I could feel that he really didnt love me, but he loved the other girl. Whenever he kissed me it was out of frustation. This thing lasted for almost a year, they finally broke up and i was there for him. We were together for like 3 months, I wasnt happy cos i did love him but he didnt, we didnt want the same things, i wanted to hold his hands and he refused… We were like on and off for 6 months, in between, he had sex with other girls. 
THen he moved back to his country, and came to visit for Xmas, out of the blue he said he felt i could make him happy and he started to date, it only lasted for 4 months, it didnt work that it was a long distance relationship, but even though. It was hell, he was never happy, always complaining about me, but he said he loved me! He broke up with me cos we were very miserable. Well, that is not the end of our story.

I kept emailing him asking for answers, i couldnt understand the way he had behaved towards me during our relationship, if he said he loved me, how come he treated me like shit? eventually, he kind of apologise, he accepted he was immature and his mistakes, yeah, but i couldnt remove the pain,  could I? After this, he was planning to come visit me, but he didnt take the plane till 4 months later, when he confessed me that he still loved me!! After how badly i had felt during all that time, i couldnt accept his proposal of going back together, but i still loved him, of course. Then i called him for his birthday, asking him to go back with him, i still loved him and miss him so much. He accepted it but i broke up with him cos i was scared he would treat me like shit again. HE then tried to get my back, but then i realised that he had been having sex with his best friend and he had told me that she was just his super best friend, nothing else. I cant blame him for being with other girls when we were single, but I cant put up with the fact that his former friend with benefits is now his flatmate, his best friend and that they are plannning of doing trips together, just the two of  them. Do i really want a boy like this? a boy who is totally unable to understand that im not happy with that situation, and that does not make me an obssesive  jealous girl. If he doesnt understand me now, he wont understand me in the future.

Since the first time i kissed him till now, it has passed 4 years and a half. Did i get anything good from  this realtionship? no. First thing i should have done is to realise how wonderful i am and leave him alone. In a way it was my fault im totally unable to ever go back with him, cos i let him treated me like the lowest creature in the world. Dont let this guy treat you like that!! First time he is not nice with you, it his fault, but the second time he is not nice with you, it totally your fault!!!

Im pretty sure you would find someone else, i know that is what everybody says, but even if you dont find anyone, do you really want to spend your life feeling miserable??? I dont think you deserve it. From your post i can tell that you are a sensitive person, who is aware of other people´s feelings but not able of taking care of herself. Well, dont worry it all comes with practice, I know its not easy, i still think about him and i wish i could share my life with him, but the decision to be happy trully depends on me, if I/ if you dont choose to get over him, you will never do. Its your life here, its alll about you!!!! not about him. I dont think he does things on purpose, he is probalby immature and he has problems himself, right, but dont let his issues mess with your own happiness.

All the best.