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When you go through a break up or divorce, everything reminds you of your Ex. Sometimes it’s pretty weird, (you’ll know what I mean if you’ve been there). You make the silliest connections just to be reminded of what has happened to you.
That’s why I always recommend cleaning up your house and getting rid of everything that reminds you about your Ex. Nothing should remind you about the past at home.
And remember what is most important: do not torture yourself with unnecessary memories!
What do I mean by that?
There is this curious affinity to suffering. Something forces us to rethink, to evaluate, to relive the moments of the break up again and again (see no 2. here), as if we will gain something very important from it.
In fact the exact opposite is the case: we suffer and move deeper and deeper into the vicious circle of negative emotions (phase 2 of a break up).
Why do we torture ourselves deliberately?
This is something I asked myself over and over again when I suffered from a break up. This is a usual pattern I encounter very often in my personal coaching.
It is always the same sequence:
- There is an urge to think and reason about specific key situations with your Ex.
- You connect suffering to these memories.
- There is a further urge to deepen and reason these thoughts with the intention to ease the pain, (but this only leads deeper into pain).
- Any attempt to escape this pattern causes feelings of guilt
That’s when we are caught into this vicious cycle from which it’s very difficult to escape.
How do we escape this vicious cycle?
It’s better to not get sucked into it in the first place, because once you’re in it, you program yourself to the suffering-path, and you get deeper and deeper into depression. This is more difficult to escape than to avoid it from the beginning.
The only way to not get pulled into it (and to escape from it once you’re in) is Mind Control.
Our Monkey-Mind makes it sometimes impossible for us to follow our thoughts, because there seems to be a lot of unconscious processes going on. The key to Mind Control is to make these unconscious thoughts conscious, and to learn to avoid or replace unwanted thoughts. This is often an arduous task to accomplish, especially during a high-emotional state like a break up or divorce.
A big problem and an obstacle is step 4 in the sequence: not thinking about these Ex-memories causes guilt because you are under the impression that you MUST think about your Ex, that you have to keep him/her alive in your memories. Forgetting him/her would mean betrayal.
This is WRONG thinking. A trick of our minds.
To control your thoughts and thereby suppress certain painful memories does NOT mean that you have to forget your Exes, or the memories you have from the time you were together.
It only means that you refuse to torture yourself.
Being caught in this vicious cycle of memories really doesn’t have any point. You cannot get your Ex back with it, and you certainly will not gain a clue about the reasons why you broke up in the first place.
You will only postpone your healing process.
This is a very important fact to realize.
So, break through! Don’t allow yourself to be pulled inside.
Here are some ways to avoid the cycle:
- Put your thoughts under a “surveillance-mode”
Monitor your thoughts and note when you are thinking them. - Do not take a whole day as a goal
Try a short period first and then expand it (”now I take one hour where I will not think about my Ex). - Distract yourself at “difficult times”
There are times of the day when it’s more difficult to control your thoughts. Distract yourself then: go to the gym, meet some friends… - Don’t take alcohol or drugs hoping to free your mind
It will backfire badly. - Clean your apartment of the “Ex-Stuff”
Do not leave anything behind. Put it in a box and hide it in the cellar. - Don’t listen to “break up songs”, or watch “romantic love movies”
They will only make you feel bad. - Learn how to meditate
Meditation is a very good way to master mind control (if not the ONLY way) - Avoid negative people and resist the urge to “talk about it”
To tell everyone about your break up is characteristic of the 1st phase, and something that is recommended. But not forever.
Remember: emotional suffering isn’t something that is imposed upon you from the outside world. It is the influence, but the suffering is caused only by yourself. It is caused by the way you interpret things in your life.
Remember that, and choke it off early.
Think good - feel good. This is a shortcut to healing from a break up.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
(Photograph is a courtesy of WolfSoul)
10 responses so far ↓
1 Tracy // Apr 14, 2008 at 2:02 pm
thank you!
2 Danielle // Apr 17, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Thank you for this article it has really helped me realize a few things. I have tried all of your suggestions to get my mind of off my ex (whom broke up with me 2 months ago after 1 year). I completely cut off contact 1 week ago after my texting him and calling him on occasion over the past 2 months. We saw each other a few times (dinner 2x and him coming over once to help me with my house) since we broke up. I am way to aware that I am nowhere near being over him let alone having even excepted that I will never see him or talk to him again and that tere is my question. How do I deal with the overwhelming sadness and borderline feeling of panic at the thought that I will never see or talk to the man that I fell in love with and still truly love to this day? Just the idea makes me sick to my stomach because of my feelings towards him. He’s 26 years old but emotionally he is 18 and I figured that out maybe a little to late. However, I excepted him and loved him for who he was. I fell in love with the man he someday wanted to be and that he did try to be with me. I knew that with time he would catch up but I was looking forward to the time in between. I myself am 25 years old and I know that I have a long life ahead of me but that does not make the present any easier to handle. I would love Any help you can offer me in what feels like a desperate time. Thank you so much again.
3 Hot Alpha Female // Apr 23, 2008 at 12:54 am
Hey buddy,
Man this is great advice! Breakups are pretty hard but a necessary part of life.
I think that the most important thing to remember during a breakup is that you really have to control your thoughts.
The one thing that i noticed over time … is that when you just beakup and you think about the other person and what they are doing and attempt to control how they feel and what not.
You always feel upset and in no control of your emotions.
So during these times … like you said, its good not to put yourself in situations where these emotions are drawn out.
Its all about replacing habits. Instead of thinking about your ex. Start thinking about how amazing your next partner will be.
Instead of thinking about all the things you could or could not have said, then start thinking about all the lessons that relationship taught you so that you can have better ones in the future.
Doing this .. makes the break up process a whole lot easier.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
4 searchingwithin // Apr 26, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I found that the only thing that saved me during those desperate days and nights following my last break-up, was hypnosis, meditation, and journaling. I carried a notebook everywhere I went to help process those feelings I had to let out, and did not want to share with others. I would even be sitting at a red light, and something would come to mind, that I just had to get out. That feeling that you have to tell him, all went into the book, and help relieve some of the almost uncontrolable urge to call him and tell him.
5 Mark Raymus // Apr 30, 2008 at 8:07 pm
The one thing you haven’t touched on is getting rid of electronic evidence of your ex. I’ve gone through my house and tried to get rid of everything that reminds me of my ex, although I think that depending on how long you were together, it’s almost impossible. I met my ex in Haiti and I was passionate about Haiti (I have Haitian art and things) before she came along. But now that she’s gone, all my Haitian stuff reminds me of her. Also, the TV we bought together reminds me of her. It’s a little impractical to get rid of everything since many of the things that are in my house now are things that we bought while we were together. I’ve just got to learn to disassociate those things from her.
But back to my original comment, and probably more common amongst the geeks, is email. I have every single email that my ex ever sent to me and I’m not sure what to do with it. All of the romantic conversations and expressions of enduring love are in there. All of the funny songs and phrases we sent to each other are in there. What should I do with those? I don’t want to lose them. I want to preserve them. But looking at them in my inbox is dangerous. So, what do you recommend we should do with things like that?
keep up the good work!
Mark
6 Eddie Corbano // May 1, 2008 at 7:16 am
@ Mark
Depending on the e-mail client you use, there is always a way to preserve the e-mails (or IM-Logs, SMS, etc).
First put them into a separate folder, then download them (every client has it’s unique way).
I burned it on a CD a put it to the other stuff.
Also, you don’t have to get rid of the things which are not directly related to your Ex (like stuff you had before), it’s normal at the beginning of a breakup that you associate everything with her. This will get much better in the future.
But you did the right thing. Many do not have the courage to clean their places, but it’s such an important and vital step towards healing.
All the best,
Eddie
7 Nerds Do It Better » 100+ Resources to Get You Through a Break Up // Jun 5, 2008 at 6:03 pm
[…] The Vicious Cycle of Your Memories: Stop torturing yourself with relationship memories by taking the advice offered here. […]
8 dhvani // Jun 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm
hi eddie, thanks so much for creating this website…i am going through my first break up, and reading about the action oriented positive words towards dealing with it are making me feel a little bit more like i am in control and this too shall pass…… although it seems very difficult…at the moment…
thanks again,
dhvani.
9 Adam // Jun 20, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Some excellent tips in this article.
10 Alustriel // Jun 21, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Thanks so much!
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