Most breakups aren't mutual.
Many of us are familiar with the sense of rejection and loss when a partner chooses to leave. You might also be familiar with the difficulty of being the one to initiate the breakup.
Sometimes ending a relationship can be so hard that we put it off for days, weeks, and even years.
Many people get stuck in this stage, and one primary reason for this is an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Relationships end.
They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons.
Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren't compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don't find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships.
Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.
Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about.
The thoughts cycle through our head:
- “I don’t want to hurt her”
- “I feel responsible for him”
- “I can't stand to make her cry”
- “He's not going to be able to cope without me”
- “She's such a good person and doesn't deserve to have her heart broken”
- “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
- “She’s going to hate me forever”
These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person.
However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie.
You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.
It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you.
For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?
I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that – major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis.
However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner.
Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to resent your partner unfairly.
Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.
If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:
1. Heartbreak is a fact of life
As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship.
In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings.
It's futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain.
In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing:
It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.
2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup?
You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.
3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time
You're only becoming more invested as you stay.
You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.
4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings
Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong. Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time.
It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her.
I hope you’re convinced that – once you know you that you want to leave – the breakup should happen sooner rather than later. I’ll be back with more tips for people dealing with the difficult issue of ending a relationship.
-Michael
On the very first day of high school, I fell for this guy. Mikey. I had the biggest crush on him, day and day, I'd hope that he'd notice me. He told others he had a girlfriend and it seemed like she was the love of his life. I wished over and over what it would be like to be in her shoes. In her position, how I'd love every bone in him. He was different from me, he had the popularity, the looks, the friends. I had my brains and my future ahead of me. We were almost separated three times by randomness, he was suppose to be transferred out of the only two classes I had with him, but wasn't. Then one day, my teacher took a random count of her students to pick their video project partners, my best friend sneezed right before she was counted and he was then my partner. We worked on the project together and I hoped and hoped he'd notice me, but he didn't. The way he talked about his ex, it was beautiful. How he thought he loved her but realized he didn't. Then, as I moved on. As i began to look away, he fell for me. My childhood crush was then coming into the picture, Bryan. Mikey took a leap. He had no idea I had liked him for so long. We went out for five months. I loved him and still do. We broke up because of college. I was only a junior in high school and I worried about my future. He was of a different ethnicity, a different background. My parents would have never accepted him, and all my life, I was meant to be with someone else. I was named even to be with my childhood crush. They raised me to love this childhood crush of mine. Mikey loved me, every bone in me he put up with, everything about me. He'd do anything I ask, anything I needed. He loved me like no other. My first love. The truest. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do. I could never love him to the fullest, because I feared that I would burn in my own emotions someday when I would have to let him go. I feared I'd make my decisions about my future based on him. I'd give up so much for him. I found out that he never had this girlfriend, he told me about her, so that he could get my attention. I was his first love. Bryan, his mother is a violinist, his father a professional guitarist for a band. His parents and mine have know each other since they were in their early 20's. Bryan is extremely attractive and isn't allowed to date. I over heard the parents talking about how they'd have Bryan wait for me to finish school. I have so much planned for me, for my future. I plan to go to school to be a doctor. I love Mikey and always will be love only takes one so far. Bryan, well, he could love and care but he could never cherish me the way Mikey does. Maybe I'll find the love Mikey has given me again in someone else. Yesterday, I was at Bryan's house and he played “Rivers Follows in You” on the piano and the sound was so beautiful throughout the house. It made me realize the life I could have in the future. The possibilities of what is to come. Mikey, I could only live a life of simplicity, a life of simple comfort, of simple taste. I am making my decision to let Mikey go. I delayed the break up for so long was that I feared he'd think I was just trying to keep my options open, but it's true. I have to do this, I have to let go. He's hurt but I'll have to learn to be okay with that. Maybe I'll regret this decision for the rest of my life, or be proud of it. Who knows. I can't be tied down during these years, during this time, one day, he'll love me for what I'm doing. For setting him free to love who could love him back to the fullest.
-High School Junior I am.
Been thinking a lot about the break up… you said I should write down my thought… let see how this works even though I know its not going to be good…
Let be realistic when it will happen… maybe his company situation may have this prolonged a few weeks
It has to come to end in may there is no way I can maintain this after May 27th when my school ends… I am graduating on May 27th. My studies life will be ending there is no class and no class excuse to meet up with frank…
So where do we go from there… in may once we end this relationship… how do we end I see him for one last time and do the usual maybe dinner and talk perhaps sex in car… and then what its 9:30 time for me to go home and he kiss me hugs me and then I get in car .. Do I call him like always do the second I get in car… even if I call what will I say …….would that be last phone call I will ever make to him
What do me when I want to talk to him?
What do I do when I want to see him be touched by him…? Where do I go from here… while tying this right now my heart feels like its going to jump out of my chest and my eyes are getting teary and I am having hard time breaking I can’t allow anyone see me crying because there are million question will arise… part of my want to yell out loud that frank u are not leaving me I will not let u ever walk away from me.. U cannot walk away from e… wants to beg him please do not leave me… when he hugs me for one last time I want the time to stop there forever… i want a never ending hug
Why does it feel like I will not be able to live without you frank… why I can’t see life without you… and whenever I imagine a life with you why do happiness and smile on my face seems so blurry and so far away from me… the thought of you not being part of my life is so scary and overwhelming..
I need to be able to come with coping strategies to survive this… and I know I will be find and I know I can handle myself but I also know that I need to finds ways to do that.. Last break u buried me under school and work… wut do I do now…
Watch more TV have organized shows time finds ways to occupy my times… make schedule events to fill time slots where I am not alone at all…Make sure I am surrounded by people at all times finds way to distract myself and keep myself busy..
Prob start painting and drawing again help dad with gardening … once the basement is done help mom set up everyone new bed room…
Set up time aside with my books to study for exam… maybe one hour every night… I like routine and I can create routine… and fine routine where there is no free moment where I think about him… at least not until where I can think about him and smile and snap out of my thought and not have the urge to call him or want to see him… I need to be able to control my thinking until I am capable of controlling my emotions and feeling for him…
Maybe I can set up schedule with him and I know he can understand that being with someone is like an addiction and you cannot turn off addiction you have to finds ways to vein off the addiction. I am not exactly sure staying in contact with him effect him but I think if we have schedule contact it will prob will help me… I have to discuss it with him to find out what are his thoughts… however, do I bring it up now or do I leave as it and wait for the right time …. What is the right time who decides when is t the right time… ok….
I think if we come up two days where we talk o each other for lets 10 mines just to find out how we are doing in our lives with each other and just try to keep the conversation general.. Try not to stay on the phone more than 10 minutes… and maybe in time like after few weeks change that into once a week and than once every two week and than once a month every two months and just go from there on…
I think this work better for me if ever get desperate desire where I just ant to talk to him I think I can tell myself that I have to wait for our set time… I think will allow me to be able to control my desire and need to talk to him… I know this will work for me but I have a feeling when I share this with him he is going to think I am childish or crazy he would really think I am a crazy woman… who have set date ofr the break up and even a break up plan on how she is planning to handle herself after the break up.. Maybe I am a control freak maybe I am only thinking about myself and not him… what if he really does not want to talk to me for a while to just to deal with himself..w hat if he needs time to deal with his feelings for a while what if he needs space and distance at least in the beginning., what if he does not want to hear form in a long while.. What if he starts to think I am being just as annoying as his ex wife…?
What if he just wants to be able to move on and leave past in the past… why do I keep holding on to him…
What if he ask me what exactly a 10 minutes conversation will give me twice a week… what kind of place is it fulfilling in my life
Why am I asking him to do this for me… please do not ask and just do as I say… No question please
Thanks you…I agree, I also feel that although I can’t pinpoint al my reasons, I know I was unhappy and miserable. Like you said, this had been “digesting” inside me for a long time before. However, the thought that I made have been rash, or too hard assaults me from time to time. It’s only been 10 days, and I’m in a rollercoaster of emotions: one day I feel good, the next I’m crushed, and so on…but overall I felt I needed to leave. I still don’t feel my partner did anything particularly horrible, or is a bad person at all. I just was not happy there (and I have a feeling neither was he, but he went along…) I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I still can’t shake the feelings of guilt though…that I wasn’t strong enough to see this relationship through, that I didn’t have enough patience, that I “bailed” when a problem arose… it’s like I can’t see my efforts anymore and I just look at what I left and I feel like a monster for having left this man who I thought would be the one I’d spend my life with.
But then, there are times when I think of what I lost and it feels like I lost nothing, because in truth, I had nothing to begin with. At least, nothing substantial to really build a future on. Not even a promise to be together, just thoughts here and there.
I don’t want to be a “thought” or an “option” to the one I love. I want to be his priority. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry if this is long. I just needed to vent. Thank you for your kind words~
when we do whatever that may even sem as a sudden move at first, has, I am sure, been dugested throughoutly in your mind first… so the decision to split was not a sudden one. It is a hard time the first few weeks or the first few days, and it may look like a mistake and if it is you will know later, but do not jump back into it now… heal an dlet yourself reflect on what has happened.
Peace,
@john – I feel exactly like you do. I just ended my relationship of almost 2 years because I felt like I just wasn’t happy. I will not say he was good or bad, he is just a person, with faults and virtues, and of coursr there were good things and bad things in our relationship, but in the end, I just didn’t feel like I could be myself, I felt emotionally distant from him, like what you described: like we’re too different, we want different things and we are not compatible. Also, that he didn’t take much interest in what I do.
But like Kelsey above mentioned, I immediately felt like I made a huge mistake by letting this guy go. I honestly believe he is my soulmate, I love him with all my heart and soul and now I have this nagging feeling that this could have been discussed, instead of cut so suddenly. To be honest, we had not been fighting or anything. I just got to the point where I was too unhappy and I felt I needed to leave, and stop wasting both his and my time. I basically lost all hope for the relationship.
I should mention that we’re in a long distance relationship since 9 months ago and there seemed to be no end in sight…
but he did make a plan to come see me in the spring. Now I think, I wasn’t patient enough. I am drying to try to talk him back, but I think thats more a mistake than not. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I was too impulsive and this has a chance. If anyone has any advice, I’d greatly appreciate it 🙁
Kelsey,
My post is about three above yours, written 11/23. I am in the same boat. Immediately I wanted to get back together with my girlfriend, and about four days after the breakup I tried to tell her we should fix things, but she didn’t want to, said it was too late. After Thanksgiving break I kept trying, and it seemed like it was going somewhere, but then she said that she needed a few weeks without contact from me, so that she could figure out what was good for her. That was very hard but I gave her space to think.
The day of reckoning came yesterday. We met up and talked for a long time, but she had pretty much made up her mind that it wasn’t going to work out between us. The main problem for her is that she doesn’t feel she can trust my feelings anymore, that this might happen again and she doesn’t want to go through the heartbreak again. I don’t know what your situation is, Kelsey, if your guy still loves you but is scared or what. But for me, I feel like I can’t stop fighting because she is still in love with me. So I have to decide if I want to hold onto her and the pain of not being with her, the idea of maybe getting her back but keep trying, or if I should just try to move on and heal.
Best to you, Kelsey. Keep us posted.
Kelsey has a point… Sometimes the person who is doing the dumping is still dealing with a lot of pain as well as all the internal conflict that comes from being the one who had to make the decision in the first place…
well, I notice most of these post are for the “dumpee” healing, but what should the heartbroken “dumper” do? I once ended a relationship due to confusion, misery, and sugnificantly less happiness than before. I felt what i was doing was for the best in the long run. Imediatly after the break up i regreted what i did considerably and tried to convice the boy to give us a second chance. he didn’t. I was thrown into a severe depression but is now on the mend after much hard work and attmepted positive thinking. So, what is a person like me to do when confronted with leaving the person they love on there own accord? What can a person do to get over a first love? Is there a way to find closure when you were the one who provoked the whole situation?
What if you’ve already told the other person your feelings, but they refuse to accept that you no longer feel the same towards them? What if they insist on pretending everything is okay?
What do you do if your partner is in denial and refuses to let go?
Tough love
I have recently had a breakup from a long distance relationship. I met him on a social networking site and had an instant liking for him. When we became friends within a day or two he expressed his love to me, which was mostly an impulsive action. But then as we continued talking we realised the strong mutual attraction we had for each other. With days becoming week and week turning months, this feeling only got stronger. Everything was fine but I had a secret. Something which would show him the new me. Since the things happened unexpectedly I had no idea how to reveal it to him. And then wen we got involved it got tougher, as he seemed to be the best thing that happened to me all my life.I delayed it to 5-6 months and then one day it got unearthed by him. I accepted and hoped he could forgive. But sadly that dint happen. He changed his ways and said we cant go on now. I would cling on to him, hoping he would return. Sadly am still in the same phase now. It been about 2 weeks now and i am surprised how different n difficult life is without him. He seems to have moved on. He also said if i had told him the reason before, things would have been good between us. So its a shut door to me. In a week i will meet him as it was a planned visit to him. I havent canceled the visit but I am dead scared of my own reaction. This would be the first time we would be meeting after our months of talking and I dun want to miss on it. If anybody could then please suggest me if I should meet him..
My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over two years. We excitedly moved in together about four months ago, and broke up three days ago.
Shortly after we moved in together i started feeling like we weren’t compatible: we are different people, different personalities, and have different interests. But on the other hand, we really do complement each other well: she’s very patient and tolerant, supporting and uplifting, and very cuddly. We had stopped connecting so well over the past few months. I thought it was because of our differences in personality. Last night we talked a lot about our relationship, and analyzed the elements that could have contributed to our communication going downhill: me not talking enough, not being interested in each others’ interests, or not even being inquisitive about them.
So it started with me thinking that we were just different, and that maybe someone similar to me would make me happier (I was not sad or miserable in this relationship. I was actually happy. But the thought that maybe I would be better off with someone else festered inside of me.) I felt that I needed to explore more people and find what was really compatible with me.
From our talk last night, I feel that there IS something to fix in our relationship: our communication with each other. It kills me to think that maybe I ended a good thing that “simply” needed to be talked out. and worked on. We have both been incredibly devastated these past few days. I did not think that I would feel like this. Is this a sign that maybe we should not have broken up, that I actually did needlessly end a good thing?
I think that only you can figue that out, but I also think people make mistakes, and though you are VERY different you can find common ground to grow from, maybe the differences only come from mis communication….. of course there are times when people should be together and just are unsure for a bit right????
@Zazie – zazie dear, most the time if you ever find yourself in that type of situation you already the answer. It is very hard, the amount of fear and anxiety your suffering is very understandable, but if i may i didnt have nearly the same length of a relationship as you currently have but i had similar circumstances. and the worst of all was the sex bit. my three year relationship ended sep’09, but it seemed more mutual even though i kinda had to initiate the breakup-we just kept having the same arguments over and over, i think i just realized one moment that it finally had to end. anyway, i miss her terribly at times, it hurts badly. She was also my friend and companion, a lover and confidant. By far the best sexual partner ive ever had…no lie. and that still hurts alot thinking about the loss of physicallity with her. she was a good fit in that regard.
Its hard lady, very hard, i am by no means healed, but ive followed no contact and try everyday to find the positive. Im not even sure i had any advice for you, i just know that we have similar thoughts about the sexual part-i found it very hard to give up and let go, ive never had a lover so great (but it also dawned on me this very important thought) initially she wasnt a great lover, and it took time and coaching (i was a little more experienced) i’m saying that part of her being such a good lover was because of the amount of time i put into that part of us, and thankfully she was very receptive. Of couse she brought her own talents to the table but it was after we established such good comfort with each other. For you zazie im sure you can find that again, and i hope to be blessed to find it again as well. Because admittedly im a very physical person, i like close proximity often, naturally i dont think it would work out with someone who isnt the same.
keep the faith-listen to your heart and all the brave souls here who have taken that step willingly or not. I wish you peace and everyone here, it is very hard to lose someone you love. But often we stare so long at the door that closes instead of the one that opens.
Ive bought some self help books off the net, amazon and what not. they go with me wherever i travel, and i find them very helpful and comforting. maybe you should consider the same.
My best,
chief
I have been with the same man for nearly 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs.
He is authentically a good person. But lately all I do is dream about how it would be to be with another man. Perhaps it is because I’ve changed throughout my twenties and I want different things(?)
Or maybe it’s that I want to start thinking about having a future and family and I want to be sure that my man can take “care” financially.
Whatever it is though it frightens me to leave him and I tried but he refused and begged me to not leave. So I failed in doing so.
My problem is also that I think about how it would be to be no longer together and I can’t bear the thought of him being with another woman. Our sex life is absolutely fantastic. But I’m not 100% happy.
I’m stuck. Feeling helpless.
Are you still around I know it’s years later what’s happened with that ? Ive been in the same stage and it’s been a circle over and over she insists we be together and that’s the only right way. Also like you I find my self curious about being 100 percent with someone and it breaks my heart to even think of her doing all our life plans with someone else.
ive delayed but for many years I’m still in the relationship I feel crazy I feel like there’s gotta be a lighter path in the end for us , but in reality if you have doubts it probably for the right reasons. (As sad as it is) I’m 24 and I’ve learned more from my relationship and my partner than I have the rest of my life. I’m still looking for answers , I fear no recovery for my partner. Her love for me is rare and I’m extremely lucky to have been this blessed. Another fear is not finding someone that could love me like this. I’m almost 100 percent sure I won’t.(any similar situations?) she is my fiancé and the plan was marriage and kids so it’s the most difficult thing to shatter someone’s life plans. She’s all in on me and I love her but not that teenage fever real butterfly love anymore. I don’t know if I ever did, but without that kind of emotion towards somebody you are wasting time there are plenty of people on this earth. As much as it sounds like I’m giving out advice I would love some answers
Need answers on how
I have been dating this very devoted man for a year and a half. For the last month or two I have had an overwhelming crush on someone. I know how badly this will hurt and still don’t know where to stand, but this article hit the spot
Amy, I really think this man is using you, even if it wasn’t his intention in the beginning. He seems to have a strong fear of commitment and this is not an easy thing to deal with. I recommend you the book of Steven Carter “Men Who Can’t Love”. I’m sure you’ll found out why this guy is behaving the way he is. I think you need to move out and quickly. Take good care of yourself,
John
I was once in a relationship that sucked, but I was so gripped by fear and guilt that I didn’t do anything about it for 3-4 months. People would ask me why I didn’t just leave, and to tell you the truth, I’m not sure. But I know guilt was part of the reason…
Me and my boyfriend of 2 months broke up a month ago. Last 2 weeks of our relationship, he’d act distant, hot one day and cold the next day.I knew something had to be up. He does become distant at times, but when I would ask what’s wrong, he wouldn’t really say,and make it seem as everything is ok. And I thought it was because I had no reason to not believe or not to trust him. Last time we planned to hang out, he tried to blow off our plans to go see someone he’s met once, for some “fun” while we are dating!! He didn’t because I found out about this all in the same day. It made me feel very sick inside, confused and shaky. Our relationship seemed so great in many ways and most of the time we coulnd’t keep off each other. We had strong attraction. I confronted him and we talked for a really, really long time about everything. He’s made it clear to me that it’s not the time for him to be in a relationship, and that he wanted to tell me for a while but didn’t know how to do so(which I think is BS excuse, because if I’d ask him what’s wrong, he wouldn’t tell me)he said he wants to be friends for now, and that “he could see us dating in the future again.”( Those exact words leave me hanging with my hopes up, everytime I try to move on.) It was tough to accept but I did, and I admit I didn’t want to loose him whether we are lovers or friends, I love him very much so, and would’t trade him for the world, he is different than many guys I have been with, it’s a whole another story to explain, but I wasn’t going to force a relationship on him if he didn’t want to be in one anymore.
I backed off completely decided to leave him alone, not talk to him, as well as keep my distance to try and get over him. I was really hurt.I started to kind of move on, but not even 4 days pass after our break up he talks to me again, telling me he was scared he lost me completely, and since talks to me almost every day on AIM, wondering how I am doing, what am I up to, etc.Talking to him seems like we are in a relationship again, because we talk about the usual things, I’d tell him I miss him, he tells me he misses me more, or vise versa, then tells me to come over ( since he knows I feel very strong for him, he’s told me no one has ever liked him this much before ). He tells me how beautifull I am and how sexy my body is, how bad he wants me but when I tell him how I feel about him, and how much he means to me (which I have no problem doing so), he’d respond with things like “no one has ever told me this before” or smile, or be like “woow, really?!”, or he would just ask me to come over to his place.
All this non-sence make me wonder is he trying to use me? because there is no doubt he is sexually attracted to me and knows how much I like him! Or does he just want me around with no strings attached to mingle whenever he feels like it? Maybe keep me untill someone better comes along? We broke up because of him, after few weeks he admited to me he really really screwed up, but said it is too soon to be in a relationship again, and we continue to talk and tell each other we miss one another, etc.Why is he confusing me like this? I am giving him another chance to be with me just like that! I forgave him completely, told him how I completely feel and if he admits he screwed up, talks to me almost every other day ( about nothing important ), tries to tell me to come over every chance he can, says he misses me, etc. but why doesn’t he make much more effort to tell me how he feels about me? Why doesn’t return my feelings? I try not to talk to him, but I give in everytime and we end up having pointless conversations like we used to, which is great but it doesn’t help me to get over him AT ALL, ( if he is not willing to be feeling as strong for me as I feel for him) neither is being intimate with him while we aren’t dating, since it hurts me allot more because I am confused of whether he really likes me. (We haven’t seen each other since we broke up, because I work allot, but he does ask me to hang out allot after work which is later in the evening, and I know when we see each other, it’s hard to resist for both of us not to be all over each other).
What should I do??? He means allot to me, and I’d hate to just loose him like that. How many of you have been in this situation? Or currently are? and how are you dealing with all of this? Anyone who had to deal with this, what was the outcome? Was it worth it? Is it worth to wait for him or should I move on completely?NEED HELP ASAP! Please and Thank you very much in advance!
(No silly answers please!!! )
Thanks for the feedback above.
Susan, I sympathize with your situation. It’s very difficult to overcome the momentum of a 16-year relationship. It’s good that you’ve been informing yourself about these issues.
You’re right: This is the very definition of emotional blackmail. You’re no longer a partner in this relationship; you’re a hostage.
Threatening suicide is an especially violent form of emotional abuse. I’m not saying that your partner is a bad person, but for whatever reason he’s learned an especially harmful way to cope with the situation.
I’m very familiar with Asperger’s, and I’m sure you have separate challenges involving raising your son. You certainly don’t need this toxic relationship spoiling your life.
Because of the length of your relationship, you may need the help of a mental health professional to help you get the courage to leave. Be clear with the counselor on what you want; otherwise he/she may assume you’re looking to reconcile. If you don’t have money for a counselor, hopefully you can find free or “sliding scale” resources near you.
This is a long post.
I am finding this site so helpful with this stressful situation I’m in. I’ve been in a relationship for 16yrs, and it is at its end. We are staying together right now because I do feel a great deal of guilt about my feelings, and because he’s said that I’m responsible for his life.
I’ve been thinking and reading a lot in the past several months (nearly a year), trying to find out how to make things bearable and keep the relationship going. I spent a whole weekend just crying a few months ago, I told him we were broken and I don’t know how to fix us, and he promissed he’d change.
I should mention he’s not a bad person. He’s never been abusive toward me, he is a considerate lover, and he’s just basically a decent guy. The only thing I consider a serious flaw in him is a little bit of racial intolerance. We aren’t compatible in how we deal with conflict, we don’t share parenting philosophies, and we have different life goals.
I feel like I’ve compromised everything for this relationship, and I just can’t do it anymore. This site is helping me to see how to deal with the emotional fallout when the relationship has been officially broken off, and the section that deals with the 7 steps to “doing the deed” (sorry if that sounds trite, it’s not meant to) is invaluable. However, I’ve not found anything that deals with the “dumpee” saying their life will be over. I have read other places that this kind of talk is just “emotional blackmail”, and that it should be ignored. But what if it’s not just an idle threat?
I would feel devastated if he took his own life because I’d ended ours together. But my biggest concern is the impact that would have on my son, who is 18 and has known this man for most of his life. He’s a young man himself who is going through all the angsty stuff teens go through, has Asperger’s, and has expressed suicidal ideas himself over the years. I just worry about that a lot.
Any feedback on this would be helpful.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I’d be much help here, however your situation is pretty similar to mine. My boyfriend of 4 years (I know, not even close to your 16yrs, WOW) has epilepsy and I’ve always been his motivator for going to classes throughout the semester and I’ve improved his life so drastically since he was just living at his parents house. I’m afraid that if we broke up he’d be helpless, and I’d be responsible. He can’t drive because he has seizures and he has no reliable support system.
What keeps me around is the though that we might break up, and I might see him slight regress into what his life was before me, day by day. I do love him very much, but I feel like every time he talks I just get so annoyed. We were so similar when we were friends and then when we started dating, but I feel like our desires and what each of us finds important are so different now.
I feel completely stuck, I don’t think I can live with potentially ruining his life, he’s a great man, romantic and caring, it would kill me to see his academic and life-long desires suppressed because of the environment he’d be going back to.
I am in the same boat. I have been dating my boyfriend for six years now and feel trapped by the fear of him regressing to his previous self. He has severe POTS (Postural Orthastatic Tachycardia Syndrome) which prevents him from driving, working, and many other activities. If I left he would be stuck with his parents again and would get very depressed. His symptoms drastically change based on the weather, fitness level, sleep cycles, diet, and effectiveness of his medications. He also has chronic migraines and is pretty introverted, which prevent him from partaking of many things, especially if they are social in nature. I love him and his whole personality, but have started to resent the fact that I can’t share my active lifestyle with him. It also hurts because I know he wants to join me when I go hike up a mountain or spend all night hanging out with friends, but he just can’t. It’s like his disability is a prison and I can help him gain some freedom, but then I’m partially in his prison as well. Also due to the effort it takes for him to meet other people, he will likely not find another relationship easily. My friends are all friends with him, but I’m afraid of how hard it would be on him losing his girlfriend and basically everyone he does associate with all at once. I’m so confused about whether to choose the person I love and give up the lifestyle I want or the other way around.
I am completely devastated that I have to end a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend , ( I have actually know him in passing for over 20 years.) he is a wonderful guy, caring, but his life can become chaotic, no organization, 1/2 way done is good enough with many things. $$ responsibility gives me anxiety. As well as a recent revealing private part of his life ( a fetish ) he has hid all of his life. Ihave PTSD and depression, so this has caused a roller coaster of emotions. I love him, I don’t want to break his heart, but I can not deal with the secrecy that was involved , I thought we had a non disclosure relationship. This has thrown me for a loop a few times over, I just can’t deal with it. The “fetish” is not for me. I want to say I love him unconditionally , but I guess I can’t if I do not accept this secret part of his life. He is a Strong man , but emotionally vulnerable , and for that my Guilt is so heavy on my heart. BUT … If I stay , I am not completely “All In”.and I am just starting to rebuild my life from being in the otherwise of the fence, I was the “Dumped” wife from a husband who cheated with people I knew, he lied so well I believe he believed his own lies.
So here I sit with this guilt of doing this for Me- something I would never of done if I was not already in therapy.
— any feedback Welcome!
Annie from NY
True… I delayed my leaving time for almost 1 whole month, dragging me into my revision crisis for the upcoming examination….It was like living in hell… Agree, I would say i thought that way, i knew i can’t fake a relationship, but somehow, I can’t do it, I still stay, trying to fix, struggle, pleading, being pleaded, problems…. only a few people can withstand the guilty such as “i don’t want to hurt her” etc…
Now I’m glad I’m moved on, I find happiness when I’m alone again… Thanks to this site, best appreciation!! I’m in recovery process currently, and I feel somehow, some good feeling is coming my way, it was fun ^.^
A month, I delayed for a year. It’s not worth it, you owe more to yourself then anything. odds are if the roles were reversed they would of left in a moments notice.
ive delayed but for many years I’m still in the relationship I feel crazy I feel like there’s gotta be a lighter path in the end for us , but in reality if you have doubts it probably for the right reasons. (As sad as it is) I’m 24 and I’ve learned more from my relationship and my partner than I have the rest of my life. I’m still looking for answers , I fear no recovery for my partner. Her love for me is rare and I’m extremely lucky to have been this blessed. Another fear is not finding someone that could love me like this. I’m almost 100 percent sure I won’t.(any similar situations?) she is my fiancé and the plan was marriage and kids so it’s the most difficult thing to shatter someone’s life plans. She’s all in on me and I love her but not that teenage fever real butterfly love anymore. I don’t know if I ever did, but without that kind of emotion towards somebody you are wasting time there are plenty of people on this earth. As much as it sounds like I’m giving out advice I would love some answers
Need answers on how
I have a similar situation. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and I love him very much, but as sad as it is to admit it, I’m not really happy in this relationship and I haven’t been for at least 1 year now. We have very different views on many aspects in life and that makes us argue quite often. And we’ve had some argues that never get resolved and have lasted for years! So I know that the best thing to do is to break up but the times that I’ve tried to tell him we end up fighting and then we reconciliate saying that we will try our best to be better, but then times passes by and things don’t get better. This is killing me, I know I have to do it but this is someone I appreciate a lot and I don’t want to end the relationship in a bitter note, like I know it will
Likely that you took him for granted.
I am in a similar boat to you guys, Kim and MP. I feel so guilty and have been dating my person for so long (5 years) that I keep making excusing and putting off a break up. I dread it more than anything. If you have found something that gives you the peace of mind/courage you need to make this change, I’d be very interested to hear what helped!
Wow this is so similar to me! In my relationship for 7 years, I’m 27, thought I’d have kids by now as really want them. Been putting off/thinking about ending the relationship for 1-2 years now.
I do make excuses and I worry about stuff like whether he could afford things on his own etc and will him and his family hate me?!
Then I think there must be a reason why I have stayed this long but then I have the feeling to leave again.
What have you done since this post?
Hello, I just want some advice,
Hey, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years in May and yes recently I would have to agree that we have been a bit rocky but that doesn’t change the love for him and vice versa. However, a couple instances have happened like he is friendly with this girl at uni (which I don’t have a problem with), but she messaged him to explain that she cheated on her boyfriend, I took offence to that and was confused as to why the girl would message him out of all the other people she could have spoken to. I have realised that I have become a little bit jealous, needy and possessive but have just realised that now that he wants a break. A few days because he broke the news to me, I got upset because he didn’t think to get a photo with me whilst he got one with his sister… I overreacted because I guess I wanted him to show that he loved me, but I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Anyway, he began acting weird because of an unrelated issue to us but he reassured that i hadn’t done anything. I went to his house on the Monday (spoke to his mum to see if it was okay) because he had prac all day and I didn’t want to disturb him. It got to about lunch time that day and I just message saying, I hope you are having a good day etc and he said that he is actually on his way home etc and then I explained that I was at his house and he said he was fine about that (I just went there to do my homework before working (near his area) instead of going home. But he said he is actually going to play golf and I was fine about that. I saw him for about 10 mins and he was acting distant and was rushing to play golf. I hadn’t heard from him for the rest of the day and he messaged say “Hey I think I’ve forgotten to tell you but I made plans like 2 weeks ago to go out this Friday, sorry! I just remembered” but he then I was upset by that and then asked how my night was. Then he said that again, I’m upset that I’m going out with my friends. The problem is we don’t see each other much and Friday night is usually our date night. This then turned into a little fight and then leading him to tell me we need to talk. Last Wednesday, he came to my house and we went for a drive. He said that he really cared for and love me, but needed a break. I asked him what he meant and that I think we should work through our problems. But he was not listening and just wanted the break (but I kept saying it won’t fix anything). He said that we are two different people and want didn’t things, I said to give me one more chance but he said he has given me heaps of chances. I tried to tell him that I respect that but we have been through so much together. I said I need a time frame and he said he was unsure about whether he wanted to be with me in the future (but he said he was scared about the future). He said he needs a min of three weeks. I don’t know if he was just in the moment and said these things, but on the Friday before I said I don’t what to lose him and he said that I won’t. I said that I loved him and he returned with I love you too. I don’t know whether I should contact him and explain that I have realised where he was coming from and reflected on that and ask to catch up, or just wait for who knows how long until he is ready ( but run the risk that he won’t want to be with me at the end). I also said let’s raise the issues and work with them, but he didn’t want to work on them (again not sure if he had just made his mind up and was sticking to it). I told him that regardless of who you are with you will always have arguments and it’s normal, but it’s how we overcome them and then he said that I’m not breaking up with you. Should I contact him and tell him I see where he is coming from (week from the event) or is that coming off clingy? But it’s not fair that he has the ball in his court
He also blocked me on snapchat and facebook, so I had enough and called me (because he told me to keep him informed about grandfather who is dying). So called him and asked him why he had done that and he said he didnt want to know what I was doing. I explained that I had been really reflecting on myself and understand where he is coming from, but he said that its only been 4 days and that we agreed on two weeks break (which I was disagreed to, because I wanted to work it out). I told him that i really wanted to work things out together and he was still saying that we have tried. But I said i would really like to meet up for coffee and discuss and he agreed. He said he was busy all week but to contact him and tell him when i am free. If he is still saying (as of yesterday) that we have tried to work things out. Do you still think i have a chance?
Thank you and I appreciate any advice
Hey, I feel the exact same. I worry so much about finding someone who loves me as much as my current partner… and I also worry about regretting the decision but it will be to late. What did you end up doing?
I understand your worries. On the other hand; don’t you want for her to be loved the way she loves you? Sometimes, love means to let someone go for their goods. It’ll hurt no doubt. I know what I am talking about. I lost my greatest love due to an accident 13 years ago. I never thought that I would ever find someone like him again who loved me with all his heart and vice versa. I DID and so will you. Don’t worry. Miracles happen.
Hey to EM2107- I totally get exactly what you are going through. I am 27 as well with no kids. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 5 years. Yes, I love him but I’m not in love with him. I feel guilty for many reasons such as we have a great friendship, his family loves me, and he has always been there. But I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to end it. I know it would hard for him because he would have to be financially independent and we are using to handling bills together. I would feel as though I’m
betraying him. But I don’t know how I can continue to be in a relationship with someone I can’t be intimate with. I mean he always have to initiate any sort of intimacy and the other hand I can go weeks without wanting it. Is that normal? I feel as though everytime I try to end things he makes me feel guilty for it so I stay. I feel like I’m living two separate lives because my family doesn’t have much to do with him since we had a very bad situation over 2 years ago. But I have chosen to stick around even with my dad not knowing that I gave him anothe chance. I constantly battle with living this secret life with him. I want someone that I know my family will accept. I have told him I’m not happy or in love with him but he continues to want to make the relationship work? I’m just wondering should I end it or stick around for another year of feeling the same way.
I’ve known this amazing woman for close to 18yrs and we have been very good friends, however we started going out as a couple 7 years ago, but we are not totally compatible…it works because we are comfortable due to knowing each other for so long. An ex from 14 yrs ago came to visit my town and we went out for a drink to catch up, we had little correspondence over the years so it was a surprise to hear from her in the first place. As fate would have it I ran into her a day before we were supposed to have our drink, and we had a very nervous conversation, but it was good. Suddenly I couldn’t wait to see her the next day…to make a long story short she left and we promised to keep in touch. That turned into us chatting every day and many nights she’s the last person I talk to and the first in the morning . I’ve been having issues with my girlfriend for a few years and have been contemplating a breakup and this visit has me thinking about it even more. I love my girlfriend but do I stay in a relationship so as not to hurt a longtime friend turned lover or do I follow my heart?!…My ex is 11 yrs younger than I am and back then we both figured she needed some time to mature, now she’s a grown woman, no baggage and back in my life…this is tough!!
EM2107 and D27,
Your situations hit home with me as well. I’m still with my SO (still afraid of ending it). I’m on edge with my bold, on edge with my family, and feel like something has to give sometime soon. I’m 28, and my 28th birthday was hard, reaching another year and feeling like I’m in the wrong relationship. If you guys look back at this, I’d be interested to know how it’s going.
So I’m really late but I need help. I’m 16 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years (he’s 17) I don’t know what happened but my feelings changed, I want to make this work because he really means a lot to me. I just don’t know how to start it. He knows I’ve been acting weird he told me, I just don’t want to hurt him. And this will crush him. Please help me, I need advice.
Miranda,
Try everything that you can to come around to loving him again. But just accept that sometimes these things aren’t meant to last. Breaking up will hurt both of you unimaginably. For many weeks you’ll wake up with a crushing sense of guilt, but this will all fade over time.
And if he truly cares about you, he’ll accept that you don’t want to be with him, and respect that you’re telling him the truth.
Also, you’re both young, and completely capable of finding love later on down the line. I know it seems like your worlds will come crashing down, but you have so much time ahead of you.
You’re going to be fine!