Most breakups aren't mutual.
Many of us are familiar with the sense of rejection and loss when a partner chooses to leave. You might also be familiar with the difficulty of being the one to initiate the breakup.
Sometimes ending a relationship can be so hard that we put it off for days, weeks, and even years.
Many people get stuck in this stage, and one primary reason for this is an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Relationships end.
They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons.
Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren't compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don't find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships.
Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.
Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about.
The thoughts cycle through our head:
- “I don’t want to hurt her”
- “I feel responsible for him”
- “I can't stand to make her cry”
- “He's not going to be able to cope without me”
- “She's such a good person and doesn't deserve to have her heart broken”
- “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
- “She’s going to hate me forever”
These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person.
However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie.
You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.
It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you.
For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?
I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that – major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis.
However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner.
Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to resent your partner unfairly.
Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.
If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:
1. Heartbreak is a fact of life
As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship.
In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings.
It's futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain.
In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing:
It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.
2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup?
You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.
3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time
You're only becoming more invested as you stay.
You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.
4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings
Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong. Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time.
It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her.
I hope you’re convinced that – once you know you that you want to leave – the breakup should happen sooner rather than later. I’ll be back with more tips for people dealing with the difficult issue of ending a relationship.
-Michael
I have been in a relationship, on & off the past 12 months, for three years. I have left probably on 5 occasions, but I keep coming back because I feel so guilty. He tells me how much he needs me and that he does not know where he would be without me. We are not compatible and it bugs me so much. His goals in life are not realistic and he is so jealous and insecure that it’s not funny. I know it would cause him financial trouble if I left and I just don’t know what to do. This is both our first relationship and I don’t know what to do! I feel like I am crazy because I keep coming back, but I still care for him. I may not be physically or mentally attracted to him, but I still care and worry about his well-being. My best friend probably thinks I am crazy because every time I have left my boyfriend I have gone to stay with him. I do not have any family in this state. I am tearing up now because I feel soooo stuck.
You need to end it, I just broke up with my girlfriend of over 3 and a half years last month for similar reasons. I felt stuck, I didn’t feel the connection anymore and tried to leave soany ti.especially but every time I did she would make me feel so bad about leaving that I couldn’t do it. This most recent time I finally went through with it. It’s very hard because I care about her but in our time apart I have realized that I am truly not in love with her. Please break up you will feel so much better and your partner will be better off trust me it’s the right thing to do.
I’m going through this too, I’ve tried breaking up many times but he almost begs that I stay with him, and I can’t bare it so cave. I’ve shown my concerns but he seems pretty happy with the relationship being totally one sided. It doesn’t help its long distance so I do get excited to see him but I care for him, I can’t see us going anywhere. What do I do? We have gone out for 3 years so he knows me too well and always avoids the conversation. Am I really that horrible?
No, you’re not horrible. I’m in the exact same situation. It’s been two years and the past 10 months i’ve realized that it isn’t going to work. I want out but the points brought up in this post are all the reasons I can’t. I feel like I’ll be personally destroying someone else’s feelings….heart. I know i’m only hurting us both. It weighs heavily on me daily…I know what I should do but I’m afraid…she’s a good person.
🙁 I totally understand how you are feeling. Im in a relationship of 2 1/2years and fell for my gfs loyalty, kindness and compassion. Everything was fine for most of the time. However she had been burned in the past cheated on ect…. and that is mirrored by her jealousy, anxiety and controlling ways…. it gets bad. I sometimes feel as if she is making me change into a scared person, closing up with no voice. We have gone through 3 “almost” break ups. When I say “almost” i mean i tried ending it and she refused to accept. Usually saying “you give up too easily” so I cave every time. I feel guilt because every time we have a fight she does something really nice for me (including promosing she will work on things) only for it to stay the same. She is also a few years older and wants different things (eg :children) and ive put so much focus in always trying to “fix” our relationship ive not found any fulfillment for myself. I met someone who ive been having feelings grow for…. but now i feel so guilty its as if i feel i dont deserve to end my current relationship and make myself happy. 🙁 worse thing is she has booked a cruise 2mnths from now paid my deposit and all so more guilt. I know its wrong staying with her with so much uncertainty but i dont feel strong enough yet to break it off.
I agree with you isabel. i am in a similar situation where i have caved several times in the past few weeks when he promises to change and make things better. last week we agreed to take things one day at a time but even that is becoming unbearable. i dont enjoy having sex with him or kissing touching. he used to force me to kiss him even though i said several times that i didnt enjoy it but he didnt care as long as he wanted it. not to mention if i said no or showed displeasure he would withdraw and get passive aggressive about it for a few hours. im emotionally drained by all of this. he has booked a weekend trip away for my birthday in a few weeks and i feel i should stick it through until after that. i am also talking to someone else but i dont want a relationship with anyone, i more want some sexual fulfilment as i feel so unsatisfied at home with him. another issue is we live together so i would have to move out of his house if we split up, something i cant afford right now as i am financially dependent on him. its so stressful
This situation is quite terrible, but holy shit….tough it out until the weekend cruise for your birthday is over? God help the woman who uses a gift like that and then breaks my heart….I wish you the all best honestly I do, but that made me laugh so hard…
I am not sure your situation has been resolved however I just found this site and I’m reading this post. I’m responding to the post that you had from 2015. I was exactly where you are when I was married to my first husband. I stayed with him to keep from hurting him. I finally found myself having the courage to divorce him and did so when our son was 10 years old. I immediately got into another relationship with another man who seemed to be wonderful and I stayed in the relationship with the new man for close to four years before we finally married. I had so many reservations with the second man but married him anyway. The marriage failed after eight months because I knew I had made a bad choice. I found myself staying in these relationships because I didn’t want to hurt them, and I was so afraid to be alone myself. Seven years ago I ended another relationship and I have stayed single for the past five at those seven years. I found a destructive pattern with myself and decided to do work to make me stronger so I could enter a new relationship with confidence and stability. My advice to anyone in a situation like this is to rip the Band-Aid off quickly get as far away from the situation as possible and heal. I found that I was the one suffering when trying to make someone else happy. My happiness was at bay until I discovered how to love myself first and put myself first I was miserable. Now I am a very content woman looking forward to a very healthy relationship. I have just started to date again. I know the warning signs of a codependent person and it’s easy to walk away before getting involved. Being a stable person took time however I am emotionally healthy and strong. As far as the two men that I walked away from, both are with loving women and they both seem to be extremely happy.
Sherry thank you for your words. I have gotten in a few destructive relationships that tend to keep me there longer than I want to be. I am currently in a relationship with a really good guy but I don’t feel like we’re right for each other. I am hoping that I can and things OK but so far he seems very resistant to ending. It’s very painful
I ended a 15 year common law relationship recently, and I have fallen in love with someone else. That was purely accidental, and I did not cheat. This has been one of the most painful things I’ve ever dealt with, he had a previous ex from hell, no wsy I’ll put him through that again. No child support, 50/50 custody, no court involvement, just raising our kids together as friends. He was always the one threatening to leave, he controlled most if what I did through whining and pouting and guilting, including my job as manager at a hotel. Even though I am the strong one and can push on no matter what, I worry about him. We were together so long I’m going to be laying there at night wondering what he’s thinking as he’s going to sleep, or what he’s doing after work . why do I feel so guilty for doing this, why do I feel so alone right now. I can’t tell him because this isn’t about me right now. We are still best friends, but suddenly things are awkward to say to each other ya know. Why does it hurt so much? Because it was real😧
I hear you as I had to end a 14 year relationship recently too. It’s really hard because he was crushed and I feel really guilty. Go with your gut,follow your heart and know in your heart if all hearts if you don’t love him your doing the right thing. Everyday is a new day and stepping stone towards a better,stronger you and bettwr life. It’s hard to hurt somoen you know is an amzing person,but if you stay with them out of guilty your hurting both of you. It’s hard now,but someday he will be better and stronger and be able to find the right soul mate too. I say breathe and be good to yourself
One day at a time.
Broke up with a girl of 5 yrs about 2 mo ago, not married but have a 4 yo son together, and she has her own 9 yo son. . I wished I had several years ago. I never had the gut feeling she was the one for me but now I can look back on the relationship and realize the signs of where I should have spoke up sooner. I feel in this relationship I did voice problem areas that had hurt my feelings or made me concerned with how compatible we were. This article really helped with the intense guilt I feel (even now 2 mo later) of having to break it off with her and split up a household. Now we have to deal with separate times with our joint child which is a separate struggle to cope with in itself. I saw things within the first year that I wasn’t sure about with her and maybe should have been more vocal about whether or not this would work out. But for me Atleast guilt again made me stay because her and her son had moved in with me (she lived with her parents). I didn’t want to totally destroy her because I hate making people cry and break their hearts. Also I think, I wanted to give it time, a year or 2 to see if she changed or maybe the relationship would grow into what I needed from it. But it didnt. Most people don’t change. I feel relief from being out of that relationship of being emotionally ignored and taken for granted but I still am dealing with the “normal” emotions of guilt for having put her and her son and now our son through a breakup. I know it gets better with time and everyone will move on and be happy. I want her to be happy again with someone or even just herself at the moment. I wish in noone heartbreak or the guilt of heaving been in a relationship too long because of various reasons. But I will say (also from all the other comments on here), it is better to be honest and open and not stick around for the wrong reasons. You owe to both of you.
Current relationship of 5 years, daughter is 2.5 years old. He adores me, and her and does any and everything he can to please me……I know, I know.
I was never attracted to him. I fell for him because of his heart, loyalty and sense of humor. I overlooked his lack of education, financial stability, jealousy and insecurity. He does NOT do it for me in the bedroom, despite countless talks, instructions, books, videos, games etc. ..I believe he tries, but I’m far from satisfied.
I could ignore just about everything and live a content life, if it weren’t for the jealousy and insecurity. Well, the education is an issue too, he doesn’t have basic grammar or life skills. His jealousy and insecurity makes me despise him.
I told him 2 weeks ago it was over and he has to leave. I feel awful for him, and for my daughter, but personally I feel so much relief.
My girlfriend pretty much saved my life. I was in the gutter with booze. I was going to lose the house. She moved in and we both ended up recovering and even quitting smoking. I really needed her then. I love her but I don’t think I was ever in love with her. I’m afraid she will find this. She finds everything. She invades every shred of my privacy. I feel like I’m in prison. I can’t seem to get out of this.
man i know the feeling. things i think you need. wisdom, courage and truth. if you have these and use them you can be set free. i hope she doesnt see my comment and come looking for me lol
I just broke up with my boyfriend, 1 year and 9 months together. (Almost 10). I felt like the most horrible person on the entire planet. I knew he would feel bad, but watching him break down was much worse than I ever imagined. All I wanted was to take the pain away, but I knew the only way to do that was going to be getting back together. I wasn’t feeling the same for him for over a month, but I had been so afraid to tell him. So when I broke the news, he was torn apart. He had never imagined our relationship would come to an end. I recommend truth ans honesty always, its so unfair to feel obligated to be with someone just so they wont get hurt. You have to think about yourself as well. It’s never going to be easy, I felt like I wouldn’t ever stop crying. The worst part is when they won’t accept it. But you just have to stay strong…
I am living with a guy I don’t love anymore. Maybe never loved him,when we got together I basically started dating him to help him from doing drugs and hanging with the wrong crowd. Later on I found out he had a kid…he wants nothing to do with. He lies about stupid things, destroys my stuff when I tell him I can’t stand him.. Every time I tell him I want my space or need a brake he breaks down,throws a huge tantrum and it really makes me feel so sad and guilty. I can’t leave, i really want to, i wish I could just go without hurting him. We fight too much and it’s due to me not being able to stand his sight. I don’t like him grabbing me or kissing me specially not in public and i am getting depressed. I have noone, nowhere to go,and no way to not hurt him.
I have just broken up with my partner of 9 years. We have been with each other since high school, and I feel such an enormous sense of guilt having known I have broken his heart. Although I have felt like this for quite a while, he really didn’t have a clue that our relationship would come to an end. I love him, but it had come to a point where I felt we were more platonic than anything else. We were planning on going to live abroad for a year and had bought airline tickets and visas, which is when I realised that I wanted to go alone. I want him to meet someone and have the same spark as we had when we first met, and I want the same for myself as well. I don’t know why I’ve but it on here, but it’s very cathartic.
I am a 49yo guy who married someone out of guilt. My wife once told me that “if you leave me I don’t know what I’ll do to myself” So we continued dating and eventually I popped the question. I recall in the days leading up to proposing that I did not want to do it, but felt had to.
It wasn’t as if I didn’t care for her. It’s just that I deserved to date more and perhaps find someone I more deeply connected with, rather than having someone manipulate my feelings in this regard.
Overall my 19 years of marriage have been pretty good and I’m sure we will stay together for the long haul. I am not bitter. It’s just that I rightly feel unfairly guilted into where I am today and wanted to write this to any person perhaps in this predicament to be brave enough to follow what they feel best and not be overrun by another persons feelings
27 yr old guy. Dating a girl for 2 years who says she can’t live without me. I’m not happy, I don’t want to engage, but I feel too guilty to leave. Her family loves me also and have helped me Nd I don’t want to disappoint them either.
I need advice.
i am 31 f and was with a guy for 3 years and engaged. I basically felt the same as you. I got to the point where I knew I didn’t want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I was so scared to break it off for fear of completely crushing him. I finally did after 3 weeks of internal struggle. That was a month ago. It is still extremely hard and I’m sure it will be for a long while, but I believe I did the right thing. Be strong, you only have one life to live and sometimes we have to do these things – not only for your own future happiness but hers as well. In time everyone will be ok. You aren’t the first person to go through this and come out better on the other end. Good luck and you are in my thoughts
I’m in the exact same boat as Joshua. My girlfriend lives with me and since we’ve been togethor for around 2 years she has done a lot to make my home more of a home for her also. She loves me so much and I can see that she’s obsessed with me. We’ve split up in the past for a few days and she was a mess she stopped eating she didn’t go to work she just went to her mum’s and her brothers told me that alls she did was cry and didn’t want to speak to anyone she was distraught. I’ve been left before by a girl I really loved and I didn’t want to split but I had no choice and I remember what I felt and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through so I could relate to what I was putting her through. So I took her back because I felt like a monster I hated myself for what I’d done to her I was asking myself how I could be so heartless to make a girl who was enfatuated with me feel this way. After we got back togethor she is constantly scared to lose me and I have to lie and tell her I am happy and that I love her but I am lying I don’t feel what she feels but I think I am gonna be stuck in this relationship for the rest of my life because I’m to much of a coward to put her through that again I just can’t do it is there a good way to break up with someone ? I’ve told my friends and they just call me a pussy and tell me to finish it and that it’s easy but that’s just the advice you get when you try and talk to the lads.
damn Kev I am in a somewhat similar situation, we only have about 1 yr and 4 months, but its very similar, she moved in with me, she has also helped around the house, brought some of her things, ive told her I think I need space and time, and I feel like a super terrible person, I mean shes awesome, shes great, shes sweet she is down for me, but I am pretty sure im not in love with her
ive also been left by a girl after 13 yrs, and I feel me and my current gf may have moved too fast.
Kev would you mind replying or emailing me (tattoo3dcowboy (at) gmail.com) at least to let me know what has progressed or how you handled it?
I feel like a monster, just the thought of her leaving and knowing that she will be sad/crying somewhere keeps me from telling her to leave 🙁
Similar, but not quite similar.
I’ve been dating my partner for the past six months… Almost a year.
However, I stopped having feelings for them, but I don’t feel capable of ending the relationship because they claimed that I “make them the happiest person alive” that they “can’t live without me” and similar stuff.
However, I don’t feel the same, not now. In fact, I believe that I never did.
wE had our up and downs on where they wouldn’t tell me stuff and I would end up being the last one finding out about their true feelings (as an example, they were depressed and I ended up fionding out days later, they were sick and coughing blood, hide that from me) and several more stuff, made me feel unimportant and distrusted, which hurt my feelings and slowly made me distrust them as well.
However, they still claim to be deeply in love with me and I don’t know what to do. They have planned to move out with me, live with me, even marry or visit places and I don’t have the heart to tell them that I just don’t visualize myself doing all that stuff with them.
I feel like a monster and I know that wjat I’m doing is completely wrong, but I already hurt them once (they broke up with me once because their family disaproved it, but came back secretly.) They told me that they would give up everything just for me. And I just… Need help, I wish they could hate me or stop loving me…
Truth be told I feel for you as I am in a similar boat. You do have one thing that helps. You have friends that will listen even if they call you a pussy. I unfortunately have the same circle of friends as my now 10 year long relationship girlfriend has. I really do feel stuck and guilty. Btw this is the first time I have even let it out even if it is on line and just typing.
I have lived and loved the same man for 11 years. In the first 5 years, I felt like I had finally met my soulmate, but things weren’t quite right on many fronts. I had left a marriage of 23 years and started dating too soon after leaving my husband. Also, I had just lost my best friend, brother and soulmate and my wonderful grandmother. He on the other hand had experienced his children being molested by a babysitter and had been living along and lost for years. Trying to pick up the pieces of his broken marriage and children. Fast forward 11 years. I have broken up with him several times. He is hopelessly in love with my, but I have been lost for a long time. A very sick daughter, and stress that no 57 year old woman should have to endure. I major factor of my breakup was his perpetual unemployment. So, no financial security, which I didn’t have in my first marriage. I lost total feeling for him months ago, and every day has been agony. Particularly, because we adopted a beautiful boxer, which I will be leaving with him, to help him heal. I am old enough it say, that life just doesn’t promise you a rose garden. Moving on and finally going to have the my freedom to live me life and have no one else to take be responsible for other than little old me. I have hope that my life will get better and I will be in a good place sooner rather than enduring the agony to staying in a dead relationship. I did feel quilt for a long time. But this article clarifies my feelings, and I will eventually be ok with me! There is hope, but you can only move forward, when you help yourself.
Same situation here, buddies dont know how hard it is to do. Easiar said then done. my gf is really needy and clingy to me says im the world to her, doesnt know what she`ll do without me, death will better then life if i left her she says, but i`m not happy and wanna date other women or be just single and free. what ive been doing is slowly distancing myself from her and then plan to let her go. i think slow small of pain vs huge fast of pain is better choice with situations like this. i hope this helps. best of luck
I have been dating the same girl for two years. I was an alcoholic and a fucking asshole and she stuck with me throughout all of it. Shes a great person, but she has issues. She is incredibly needy and has all sorts of trust issues with me since i became sober. At first, I thought our relationship could last because I thought that my inability to be sexual towards her was just a phase I was going through, but the longer its gone, the more I’ve realised I’m just not physically attracted to her, at all. I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t want to her hurt her due to the amazing things shes done for me in my life, but I don’t want to stay with her because I am just not attracted to her physically. I also don’t want to leave her because she is such a nice person. She does all these wonderful things for me but I feel like an asshole because I can’t man up and tell her how i feel. I eat my true feelings and sit here in absolute fear of making her hurt herself. She is overweight, works as a hairstylist and is a bundle of nerves and anxiety. I am 32 a IT tech and have been working at it for years. The worst part is I think I am in love with her best friend, and I know if I leave her, I will never see her best friend again. In general, I have completely fucked the situation and I have no idea what to do. I hate where I am and sometimes I feel like it is going to lead my back to drinking by all the lies. I have promised her I love her and I want to marry her simply because she refuses to drop those sentiments. I hate my life and I don’t want to be with her because I don’t find her attractive at all, but I am too pussy of a person to be honest with her.
I think were all in the same boat. My Wife cheated on me after 23 years and I immedietly got into another relationship with a woman with kids. I did not want to be alone and grew fond of this woman. She eventially forced her way into the home that me and my ex had together. It started to workout, but now i feel like im in a bad dream. Im feeling horrible about booting this woman and her kids out, because the kids really do not deserve any of this. She has had many failed relationships and is very controlling, but gorgeous and great in bed…. I know that does not mke up for everything, but I was lonely in my marriage for so long and she completed that aspect of it. Since dating this woman i gave up all past friends and she flips out if i do anything alone. She says she does not believe in guys doing anything alone. Im still here and feel stuck…
It’s never easy letting someone go that truly loves you,but holding onto them isn’t fair to you or them. You deserve to be happy and so does she. I had to let someone go after 14 years because I fell out of love. It crushed him and I’ve felt guilty,but I’m working on my guilt and getting stronger everyday. I recommend you see a therapist about this because my friends told me to do so and it really helped. Look up codependency.I’ve learned alot and as hard as its- you have one life to love and you both deserve to be happy. Put yourself in her shoes- would you want ti be wit someone who didn’t truly love you and lied to you? Take a deep breathe and do it. Once you tale the leap you will feel some relief and be able to start to rebuild your own self esteem and know your a better person for letting this wonderful person go. Doors will close and new doors will open and your life will be yours ti do whatever your heart desires. I say go for it!
Hi Joshua how have things progressed? would you mind updating or emailing me (tattoo3dcowboy (at) gmail.com)
im also trying to break up but having a hard time, just feel like im a monster or a terrible person for hurting someone who loves me
i`m in the same situation except im 24 and been together 3 years. its almost been a year since you posted this comment. hows your situation now if you dont mind me asking?
I am in a similar situation I have been dating this guy for three months and I just don’t know how I feel I feel confused. This person says that he will love me forever that he will never find someone like me and I really love this person and don’t want to hurt this person feelings it would hurt me so bad that I wouldn’t be able to sleep i still want to be with him I still want to have those night calls and be able to hang out with him like we usually do he makes me laugh and I never doubt his love it makes me feel good that he loves me which makes me feel bad that I’m having these thoughts behind his back. I told Him before that I don’t know if I love him or if we gonna be with eachother forever but it just makes him cry idk wat to do idk if I love him I’m confused if I’m just with him cause u feel bad or it’s because I love him but I’m not physically attracted to him maybe sometimes I try to look at him that way and sometimes it’s not hard but I’m just confused I don’t want to loose him but I’m not sure if my feelings I feel like I’m not gonna be happy with him cause I don’t love him plzzz help..!
Mind blown, thank you.
Thank you Mark. I’ve just ended a 14 year relationship – married for 2 of those years – because I went through exactly what you did and I realised it would be way too late once we had kids soon. I feel guilty for not being honest earlier but I just wanted her to be happy.
In the end I wasted both of our time. I can’t take it back but we can still get our lives on track I hope.
I am currently in exactly same situation with an extra added complication. I am seeing her for past 8 years. From past 4 yrs i dont feel the connection. I want to break up with her. Bt i feel so guilty that she is such a good human being and she says she cannot live without me. I should have broken up last year. Now this year she developed multiple sclerosis. Now it makes it more complicated. I dont want her to be lonely all her life. It is going to be more difficult for her to date someone. That makes me more guilty if i dump her. I really like her as a frnd but i am not in love with her. It is not because of her disease. This feeling was there since past 4 yrs. Out of guilt that i cannot do this to her, i carried on. Now i think its too late to break up. I dont know. I am so confused.
Two days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year and two months. When I first told him I liked him, he hadn’t even given us a thought, it wasn’t until a month later when I pestered him that he admitted to liking me back. And for a year, things were essentially awesome. Any problems or concerns I had prior to dating him were poor aside. I figured since I liked him and her liked me, it’s all our relationship needed. We’re both 21, by the way. He was so attentive, kind, affectionate (a little too much for my liking), patient, and fun to be around. But the longer we dated more I couldn’t ignore the concerns in my mind. He was jobless(do there was no way I couldn’t tell my farther we were together, he already didn’t like the guy; and constantly reminded me), had no motivation, and didn’t seem inspired to take me anywhere unless it was for some occasion. I didn’t think these things would bother me, but soon they got to me, especially when I was coming closer to the end if my final year of post secondary. Not to mention, he was very closed off. Also my mother was concerned about me dating someone with no ambition, especially since he’s never had a job before. He and my best friend did not get along, it’s like when he and I started dating, they both couldn’t tolerate sharing me. It was always a competition, before we dated we’d all been friends, but oncewe started dating, seems their disdain for each other heightened. I’m fiercely independent to the point where it can get annoying and he was not, kind of bothered me. Both he and especially me, have trust issues, and so we had promised to be open with each other. He didn’t hold up his end of the deal. Which ended up in us fighting because he exploded on me one day when I told him i wanted to talk to him about all these things he was feeling just came out of the blue, but I’ll explain more of that later. But for the most part, I loved him with all my heart, still do. And he definitely loved me to put up with all my shit and increasing bitterness, and nagging.
Our relationship and other things in my life essentially made my anxiety even worse. I was breaking down all the time, couldn’t sleep, was crying all the time, couldn’t focus, and couldn’t be near him. It hurt too much to see how hurt he’d get when I’d shy away from his touch. It was killing me. This went on for about a month before or fight, I was busy with school, so I couldn’t see him. And this is when I became extremely neglectful, which is why most of my guilt stems from. Or maybe it started a bit before that. But I got so busy and didn’t see anyone, excluding a friend who I felt I could explain my feelings to about my situation with my bf. I didn’t have time to text and chat with him as much, but he promised to wait for me to finish school. It hurt that I put him through that, but I couldn’t really do much about it.
Then our fight happened, but I figured it was worth giving us a shot. I felt like because of how he reacted to our talk, It broke my trust. I found out so much he wasn’t telling me and it broke my heart. The one thing I asked him to do, be honest with me no matter what, and he didn’t. When I was up late at night, crying because of my anxiety I would tell him, but he didn’t do that same. He didn’t tell me anything, but I could tell by the looks on his face. He thought I was breaking up with him so he exploded, he was mean. It was a side of him I’d never seen. But wr talked it out and got it out on the table. I finally got the relief I needed, I thought we finally fixed everything. Nope.
For the following month, I couldn’t trust him anymore. My trust is very really broken and hard to get. I’ll forgive, but not forget. I was emotionally and physically detached from him, I felt like I was waiting for another bomb to go off, or like suddenly everything would magically be fixed due to our talk. I hoped if wr took things slowly, I would earn back up to him. But I was lying to myself. The damage was done and the more I tried to make things right, the wise I fear and the father apart we got. He asked newer how long it’d take for things to go back to normal, two weeks in, I told him I didn’t have a clue. But it made me realize how healthy our relationship had become. How much hurt I was putting him through by making him wait for me to sort out my feelings and try to pull myself together. I was getting mean, I think, and I didn’t like ego I was becoming. It dawned me more and the guilt was eating me alone. He was frustrated that I wouldn’t let him help me, but there wasn’t anything he could do but support me.Which is all I felt I wanted and needed from him.
In the end I had to end it, I couldn’t change how I felt about how I was treating him, or our relationship, my issues, anything. And how much he loved me. We were at different points in our lives and there’s tons I’ve left out,but the main point is, I want going to stay with someone I was treating poorly, no matter how much I loved them. He basically hates me now and wants nothing to do with me, but I hope he’ll eventually forgive me for ending it. I hope someday he’ll understand.
I just feel so bad for putting him through almost two months of crap. I know I was stlill sorting out my feelings, butt I wish I had the confidence to do it sooner. Most of the time I’m okay, but other times, the guilt just eats me up. Guilt when we were together, guilt now that we’re apart. The hardest part of this all is that I hurt somebody I love and it sucks that I won’t be able to be around them anymore. He’ll want his space and groom the looks of it will want nothing to do with me ever again. I wish I could asked through time to a point where I don’t feel this way anymore. It’s a bummer, but probably not as bad as what he’s going through. So selfish to worry about him hating me when I’m the one who neglected him and broke his heart. He deserved better.
He didn’t have a job, your parents didn’t like him, he was unmotivated and had no desires to further explore your relationships potential. I think he realizes that he didn’t ever deserve you and once he had you he couldn’t bare the idea of being without you because you were (with no disrespect) the only good thing going for him. By initiating the break up I think that you are giving him a second chance to rethink his life, get his priorities in line and think about what he wants and needs for himself and not what others want or expect from him. I do not think he was ready for a commitment and I believe he was aware of that, resulting in the hesitation he had to admitting he liked you in the first place.
Just my perception of it though; thank you for sharing!
Jazz take it from me going through skmthing simular. He never told you those things to protect you to try and not hurt you he was afraid to lose you. He didnt want to upset you and add to the anxiety so you know what he did? He took it all everything you dished out at him all his own feelings everything that worried him and bottled it deep inside himself. To not tell you was wrong i get that but you need to see he tried to protect you and you need to understand that not everyone thinks the way you do. How many times do you think you cut him down take it from me that shit hurts i dont knoe him personally but he sounds alot like me and if he is it destroyed him inside to not have a partner because if he was like me your all he had.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 4 months and here lately I haven’t felt in love anymore. I have brought it up to him a couple times and each time he talks me out of it. He keeps telling me he won’t date anyone else and that I will hurt his daughter. He is 31 and I just turned 20, I feel like I haven’t lived my life yet and he has. I feel lost and like I’m missing out. Can anyone help?
I’m 20 years old as well and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. I understand the feeling of like you may be missing out, I feel that way too. My boyfriend does the, “Talk me out of it,” thing too and it’s starts to feel patronizing, like I’m telling him how I feel, and he’s telling me not to feel that way. Go with your gut, it’s always right. If something feels wrong there, you can always leave and try again with him later if you’re truly meant to be together. That’s what I’m doing right now and it’s scary but also exciting knowing I get to choose what I do. Also, him using his daughter as an excuse isn’t very good behavior. You should never have to stay in a unhappy place in order to make someone else happy. Here for you.
Just read this article and it helped my feelings of guilt – 3 days ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years. I have been agonizing over the “should I stay or should I go” back and forth for the last three years but just couldn’t make myself break it off. He is a very kind, caring, wonderful person who treated me so well, we had similar values and interests and got along great – he was my best friend. But I have been financially supporting him for 7 years now – 2 years when he was unemployed and 4 years of underemployment while he was paying off credit card debt, and I have to say, money issues can really destroy a relationship. I got pretty bitter at times about paying all the bills AND doing all the grocery shopping and housekeeping AND making dinner but I stuck with it, and while in past years my bitterness has faded as he has started to contribute more I came to realize that the passion (on my part) was completely gone and I was not interested in ever marrying him — I couldn’t imagine wanting to make a long(er) term life together. But I put it off because he is a wonderful person and it is nice to have a partner to come home to and share your life with. Finally, this past month a whole lot of things piled up that made me realize I was wasting my time AND his keeping the relationship going when I really was treading water until I could make the decision to finally leave. So I did it. And now I feel very guilty for inflicting the pain of ending a relationship he wanted to stay in on him, and for all the caring time he invested in us to try and make it work. He will be staying here until he figures out where he is going and what he is doing next, as he doesn’t have the financial wherewithal to just move out, so it will be a difficult transition – but I am hoping this will be the opportunity/kick in the pants he needs to find a job that makes use of his graduate degree without his being geographically constrained in looking for one, and that he will someday find someone who can reciprocate his passion in spades. This article is a helpful reminder that it’s not my job to take care of him, and that I should not feel guilty for doing something that is best for both of us in the long run. I still do feel terrible for him, but this is a good reminder that I don’t have to feel guilty about moving on with my life.
Im very late with this but in 4 months it will be a year since my forced break up. Aug 25 me and my ex gf were forced apart by her parents im 23 shes 21 words cant Explane how i feel about her or how long my story is but after months of crying everyday Which was the hardest part for me Which her cry and Not been able to do anything about it,she moved replaced me with a guy for the once time ever her parents approved of and even let her go on dates with she has the freedom she all Ways wanted now so i gave up on her few months later we talk and she break down in tears crying and Said she missing me and i did nothing wrong that her parents forbid her from speaking too me the next day she just pushed me away so told her too block me 3 months later shower up at her house and asked her too marry me sadly she wouldnt even look at me so i Just Walked away she seemed very angery yet upset yes i made mistake but my sister was dying from cáncer at the same time dealing with a crying gf Not doing anything too help herself i cracked in two feeling 100 diffent things all at once hurt angery fear everything lashed out on my girl took everything out on her i felt lied too she crying helping me she been forcing into yet when i talk too her dad he Said its Not true yet when i told him il get my phone and prove to him what im Being told is true he tried flaging down a police car and getting me locked up but i Should belive his Word over hers??? I have never Had so much hate n anger towides anyone in my life i have no respected our love for her parents at all, i been waiting and hoping she message me agin but unsure If she ever will.her parents turned love into hate and they are Not Sorry for it i bet i know Why they did it and understand it but they Had no right but what else can i do? In July 30th i get my cna doing my Best too 1 day Drive and get a car but i have no one no help i do everything by myself the reason Why im so far behind in life is i was joining the marines before i Met my girl i Just cant let this go i Just cant move on because i love her and we never made the choice ourselfs too break up Just sucks Being so angery all of the too the point i want wish karma bites her parents in the ass bad for me the Best kArma would be me and her dating agin.
I’ve been with my fiance for almost 3 years, but the relationship has been going south for at least a year. I’ve tried taking to her and trying to fix it, but she doesn’t listen, and she’s definitely not the person I fell in love with anymore. She has two kids from a previous marriage that I love as if they were my own. I may have some guilt of breaking her heart and theirs, but I’m more concerned with protecting those kids. If I left before when I knew things weren’t working anymore, she would not of been capable of supporting herself much less the kids, and they might of gone back to their father’s custody. I wanted to wait for her to get her business together, and now that it finally is, I still doubt she is capable of full independence.
Hi..i would like to know what’s my situation now because I am confused and really keep me thinking too much..I am 26y/o and my boyfriend is 27y/o…we are together for 5 years and suddenly told me on a petty fight yesterday that he want’s to be single again but cant tell me the word “break up”..i dared him because we’re both angry that time and when he told me that we are break already..i cried hard over the phone but he changed he’s mind and told me he love me and don’t want to see or hear me crying..i asked for reasons why he want to be single again because i think our relationship is ok.. we are not in much contact like other bf/gf that check up each other through texts and calls every hour..we still have our own life as individual..i asked for his reasons why he want’s to be single and told me he just want to fix himself (had history on our 2nd year that he cheated (not sexually) but we still push our relationship like nothing happened) and that the problem is in him…i asked if there’s a girl again or he wants to date someone but insisting that there’s no one and just miss his single life..please i would like to understand him if he really mean it and what’s happening to him? I love him and i really to work things out..
Jel,
Sorry to hear that. I am a guy. I totally understand how your bf thinks. Let me just tell you the truth – he is not ready to settle with one girl and wants to experience more women. He might not realize that is what he wants but that is what the single life would entail afterwards. However, that’s not all about why he wants a single life. Being single can also mean that he can do whatever he wants and does not need to discuss with the girlfriend beforehand – for example, going out and having fun until morning, playing video games day and night with other guys etc. I know this sounds very terrible and unfair to you because you love him so much and want to be with him all the time. But men are designed in a different way than women. There is nothing right or wrong about both of you. It may sound that I am defending him. I am not. You both are still young. Men tend to reach mental maturity at a much later time than women with most men mentally mature after 30. My suggestion is that have a nice talk with him and find out if he is really willing to be single again while risking losing you for good (don’t use this as a threat but rather discuss about it as a possibility; because you will and should not wait for him at the same time). If he thinks he still wants to have single life again, be strong and let him go. I know it hurts to let go of someone that you really love, but if one does not want to be with you, he’s not worth of your time. You may find a more compatible lover soon. Perhaps one day after he has experienced what he wants, he wants to come back to you. If at that time you’re still available and still have feelings for him, you two can try it again. A more likely situation would be that you have found your Mr.Right and moved on. That’s his loss and he will grow from this and become a real man.
Ive starting dating this girl almost 2 years ago. She is my first girlfriend, Im 22. At first we were both crazy about each other. As our relationship grew we naturally learned more and more about eachother.
She comes from a very dysfunctional family and i come from a very stable and tightly knit family. I had come to believe that she is bipolar, but no medical tests have been taken. She very often complains to me about her family problems, problems with friends, and how she hates her job that she has had for 4 years..
Apart from that she is so cool! And we are very compatible in alot of ways! We have a lot of fun together.
she has had multiple boyfriends, but she is my first girlfriend. She tells me she loves me so much and i can tell she thinks well be together forever..
Up until about 3-4 months ago we had a good healthy relationship never fought always just had a good time. But her problems with her life still persist and she treats me like a psychiatrist.
I have been wanting to break up with her for the last 3-4 months, but im scared of her becoming extremely depressed, and i fear she will have no one if i left.
within the past few weeks i have been consciously avoiding her, not telling her i love her because i dont want to say it and then break up and she would be all confused about that too! Recently she confronted me about my behaviour and i still didnt have the balls to say how i truly felt because i was afraid of making her sad..She asked me again if i truly loved her and i said yes. But now the guilt is killing me.
I dont know what to do..
i know the right move is to just talk to her.
has anyone else been in a similar situation!? Please help
I am in a pickle, I really don’t know how to move forward. I have been in a relationship for 3 years, and we live together. I’m in my early 20s and he’s about to turn 30. I love him, he’s honestly my best friend and our life together is good. But I just feel like I’m not having any fun, like I’m missing out on something. We don’t go out much anymore and although we stay active and go to the gym, I’ve put on weight. I can’t stop thinking about being with other men, and I feel no guilt whatsoever. My bf is a really great guy, and we see eye to eye on most things, but somehow that’s not what I want? I’m so confused, at myself and at the situation. He’s ready to settle down and I’ve heard him saying to a friend that if anything happened to me he probably wouldn’t ever be with anyone else.. He didn’t say it in a threatening way, he just said that it wouldn’t be fair on what we’ve had. But of course that makes the prospect of ending it so bad, I don’t want him to be alone or unhappy. Anyone, please! Help!!
You still want to try different men and you’ve lost attraction to your boyfriend. That’s what it is. Do you still get the passion of having sex with him? If not, it is a very good sign. I am not saying this is bad. We are all human beings. I am in a similar situation expect that I am a guy. My gf and I have been together for less than 2 years but I feel I want to date other people because I am not fully satisfied in this relationship. I know this is very unfair to our gf/bf, but sometimes feelings are feelings. They cannot be controlled by rationality. You said you don’t want him to be alone or unhappy. He will be unhappy for a while if you guys split up but eventually he will find another girl that he wants to be with forever. That being said, do not think that we ourselves are irreplaceable to our partners. I don’t know about you but I feel it’s extremely hard for me to break up with my gf since I don’t want to hurt her. However, I know this is something I need to do because it is not fair to her. My suggestion to you is take your time and find a right opportunity to bring this up to him. It might not be that easy to break up since you two live together and he loves you so much. You have to toughen up and be a little cold-hearted to do this. I think that’s what I will do when the time is right. Yes, it will make us look like bad people but staying with our partners while thinking of being with other people are even more awful and disrespectful. Hope this helps.
I met my boyfriend 16 years ago. I was a divorced mom with a 3 year old at the time, and he was a good guy and I felt lots of sparks of “first love”. Within 6 months I asked him to move in with us. Things were okay – we had our differences, but overall were pretty happy for the first year.
We had met at work, and were still working together. We both got laid off on the same day. So here we were, neither of us with an income, and a 3 year old child. I’m a graphic designer, so I was doing some work on the side, and he was trying to sell my services, so we could have our own business and try to make it that way. It became obvious very quickly for me that that wasn’t going to work, so I went out and got a job I hated, but at least we had an income.
I won’t belabor the point, but over the last 15 years, he has worked very little. When my son was little, it was actually a blessing, as he was child care that didn’t cost us anything. He cooked, he cleaned, always did his part around the house. However, financially, things were never very good, and I began to really resent him for his lack of outside employment. He tried to get a job, but was very picky and just seldom worked, or if he did, didn’t work for long.
My son is now 18 and away at school. About a year ago, I had a talk with my boyfriend that I didn’t think I was in love with him any more. The resentment of years of him not helping financially had built up to a level that I just couldn’t deal with any more. I had stayed with him for so long because I was so afraid of the hurt and pain it would cause both of us – not to mention I didn’t know how on earth he would support himself. He was very taken aback by my admission to him, and begged me to let us try to work on things. Because of the pain I was causing all of us, I agreed to work on things.
It’s been almost a year since that conversation. I knew in my heart as soon as I agreed to give things another try it was a mistake. But the guilt of breaking up our family and hurting us all made me try. The fact of the matter was that I just wasn’t in love with him any more. I’ll always love him as part of my family, but I don’t have any physical attraction to him, and haven’t in years.
I finally got the courage last night to end things for good. He was so hurt and truly surprised. He thought everything had been going great with us – and that’s my fault, because I’ve continued to put on my act like I have for 16 years. I just finally realized that I could no longer cheat myself, or him, of what we both deserved. I think he would rather I would have stayed and continued the lie than to leave him. I feel so heartbroken that I’ve hurt him this way, and myself for that matter. I haven’t stopped crying, and not sure if I will. I thought I’d feel this weight lifted for finally being honest with him, but the weight of guilt is far heavier.
He does have a job, at least makes enough to get by on his own. We haven’t talked any specifics about him moving out, or anything like that yet. He has said he won’t take anything we have together in our house – I want him to take everything, or at least split things fairly. I think he just is lashing out and wants to hurt me for hurting him. He wants me to imagine him living on the street with nothing.
He doesn’t have much of a support system either. He has a very large family, but is only semi-close to one sister, and doesn’t tend to share personal issues with her. He has no friends. Literally, I have been the sole person of support in his life for 16 years and I’ve now taken that away. I don’t know how I can live with this guilt. When I imagine him alone, trying to get through things like holidays with out me I just start crying all over again.
Tracie, I know what you are talking about – resentment about financially supporting my boyfriend while he never seemed to be doing enough to find a job made me very bitter and ended up breaking down my investment in our relationship. After 9 years I realized that he was not a person I would ever want to marry — legally commit to staying together with for the rest of our lives — and like you, my passion for him was totally gone – I still think he is attractive but I am no longer attracted to him at all. But things weren’t bad and he is a wonderful and caring person, so I went back and forth about whether I should break things off and just fantasized about being on my own for years. I tried having a talk with him a year ago but he too didn’t want to end things and convinced me that we could make it work. I finally realized that it was time to start wasting both our lives and needed to break it off so I could have a chance to find someone I might want to commit to spending the rest of my life with, and so he could find someone who could fully give him the love he deserves. He is sad and upset and angry and I feel terrible about inflicting this pain on him — but this article helped me see that I had to do this for me — and you had to do this for you! It was not your job to support him and not fair to you to stay locked in a relationship that you were no longer fulfilled by or enjoying. I hope you were able to stay strong and believe in yourself and in his ability to find strength within himself to make it on his own. I hope he was able to learn to live his own life and not depend on yours.
As someone on the other side. Even if you are not sure if you are ready to leave or not at least talk to your partner about if. Hardest part for me was learning that I was laying in bed night after night wanting someone that doesn’t want me. And wondering for how long, I could have been somewhere else working towards something real. And we would probably be good friend still.
i just broke up with my girl friend of 6 yrs last night, we been through so much together, along the way, i helped her with her emitions when she had her family problems. Her dad left her, her mom always argue wit her. helped her through the most difficult time of her times. I thought i would be with her forever, However, the recent couple of yrs, im started to have doubt. Half a yr ago, i met somoneo else. I first broke out the news to her 2 months ago. We kinda seperated. We saw each other for a couple of times after that becuase she wanted to give some stuff back to me. Everytime i see her, it seems like shes waiting for me to go back to her. Last night, she came to find me again, giving back my home keys. she cried so hard, refused to leave, she was saying why is it that everytime i have to hurt her. i feel so bad for her. shes such a sweet girl. she said she would forgive me on everything and would do anything to be with me. I dun understand why ive changed into a man like this…i feel so bad for her
I’ve been in a relationship for the past 7months now and I’ve been a little unhappy for the past 2months. I feel like I don’t have the same types of feelings I did when we first started dating and I’ve been thinking about a break up. I just feel like it’s the healthy thing to do for myself. The problem is that she still likes me and well she says it all the time so I assume she genuinely loves me. I don’t have the heart to just break up wit her because I know it’ll absolutely hurt her. She’s even told me one time we were arguing that it would tear her world apart if I ever left. So now I feel a little trapped at the same time and I’m only with her because I’m too much of a nice guy to break her heart. I’ve had my heart broken and it completely sucks and I don’t wish that on her. So what I really need to know is if anyone has any advice for me on how to break up with her on a good note.