When you find yourself alone after a break-up, the majority of your prospective problems right after will come from the fact that you are now on unknown, potentially hostile territory.
Like you've been transported to another frightening reality.
You feel alone, scared, not knowing what the future holds for you. A whole new range of emotions keep pattering on you, making you not recognize yourself.
The first few weeks are confusing and disturbing.
So, the foremost purpose of this article is to give you strength and hope to make it through this undefined, and uncharted territory at the beginning of a break-up.
I will try to show you what is waiting for you, both the good and the ugly stuff – a map through that dark territory.
So please read carefully.  Everything you will read is based on experience from so many who have made it through this, and who have come out as a better version of themselves.
It will help you to get some clarity during this confusing time, where nothing seems to make sense.
Please read on.
Contents:
A Silver Lining
The Panic
The Pain
The No Contact Rule
The Guilt
An Opportunity
The Learning
Conclusion
A Silver Lining
Yesterday, I caught myself observing my wife while she was reading a book.  She has this special, weird way that she holds the book in one hand, and rests her forehand on the other.
I suddenly started thinking about how incredibly lucky I am.
If I could have constructed a woman that would fit best with me and the person I am, it would be exactly someone like her.
In fact, she is even better than I could have constructed because she is NOT perfect.
Perfection doesn't exist, and if it did, I am convinced that we would bore ourselves to death with a perfect partner.
Instead, my wife is challenging, always testing my boundaries, spicing up my life with her colorful, emotional facets.
At that moment I thought – what would have happened if somebody were to give me this exact picture of her, and her description, back during the very beginning of MY break-up?
How would I have felt if I KNEW that one day in the future, I would have HER by my side, loving me, accepting me as I am, and standing beside me no matter what?
Would my pain have gone away instantly? Would I have been relieved? Would I somehow have changed my way?
The answer is most probably NOT… because break-up recovery is not about sudden epiphanies that have the power to change everything.
We must understand that there isn't a set of words, a magic pill, or a glance into the future that can heal us over-night.
It is about a process. A journey during which we change ourselves for the better.
The Panic
Right after the split, you feel numbness, as if something strange has happened, and you are not really sure what.
Unfortunately, this doesn't last long.  Soon you will enter a new phase, and experience sheer, archaic “I-can't-make-it-alone”, existential panic.
The kind of panic the stone age man experienced when he found himself abandoned and alone, surrounded by wild animals.
It's an irrational, deep-wired fight-or-flight fear, that makes us do all the stupid things we do… like pleading, calling or harassing our exes.
MORE: Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?
What you must do, is simply accept this, and understand that this panic is NOT you – it's just an automatic reaction to an existential threat.
After that comes the pain.
The Pain
And for the time being, the pain IS there. You MUST accept this.
The pain is there simply because the relationship mattered to you. You felt an honest, passionate, authentic, deep-down LOVE for your partner.
And that is a GREAT thing. That's a beautiful thing.
That means that you CAN feel honest love, that you are capable of believing in someone, cherishing the people that you care most about.
And that is the foundation of every fulfilling, long-term relationship.
Whoever becomes your partner in the, (maybe not so distant), future WILL know how to appreciate that… they will be lucky to have found YOU!
My wife isn't like my ex at ALL. And back during my breakup, I really thought that it would be absolutely impossible ever to find someone again who was THAT compatible to me like I thought my Ex was.
Man, was I wrong.
I didn't even know what was possible. It's like I had read two pages of the big book of relationships, and thought I knew what I wanted and needed.
So far from the truth.
The No Contact Rule
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
– Rolling Stones
I know that you feel the urge to contact your ex, to talk to them, to ask them what the hell happened, to just see them one more time.
It's a normal, human reaction.
But, hold on here – trust me when I say this because I've been doing this since 2005 – the truth is, you WON'T find relief in talking to them.  You WON'T find the answers. You WON'T find closure.
All you will find is pain and frustration.
I understand that you are hoping to get them back. I understand that you want to stay friends with them so they don't disappear completely out of your life.
I know all of that.
But you must trust me now, and believe in my expert knowledge, that this is a HUGE mistake. You have to start the 60 days of No-Contact, (join my free newsletter, and I walk you through it step-by-step).
If you think that you can't do that, or you just don't want to, then you do what you have to do … and see where it gets you.
I don't mean that in a bad way… some of us simply need to go through this experience before committing ourselves to the No Contact Rule.
Following this rule is THE essential factor IF you want to get OVER your Ex the fastest, and “cleanest,” way possible.
And IF there is the slightest, infinitesimal chance of getting back together again, you will make the best out of it if you manage to re-gain your true-self, and think with your head, instead of your bleeding heart.
That's the first active step you must take on your own.
I can't make you.
I can show you the way, but you have to stand up and go.
Believe me; I know how you feel. I know your pain. I've gone through every single phase of it, back and forth. I know how hard it is to do ANYTHING.
But IF you want to get better, you must be ACTIVE. Passiveness will kill you.
Stand up and fight for your life and happiness!
The Guilt
You've made mistakes? So what? Welcome to the club! Are you human, or are you a computer?
I've made lots of mistakes. But with every mistake I've made, I have also made a step forward in my personal development.
Have I blamed myself for the break-up?
You bet I have. The mere thought that I had been the one who messed it up was absolutely unbearable.
But you know what? Ultimately it didn't matter.
Because with time, I've made two major realizations:
1. I couldn't possibly be responsible for the breakup all alone
There are always two people in a relationship who contribute to its well-being, or not. Everyone has needs, and the partner did not meet some of them – this is nobody's fault.
2. The person I WAS made mistakes
The breakup changed me. I am another person now. I couldn't have reacted differently because that's who I was back then. I learned from these mistakes, and I will never do them again.
Let me tell you one thing, and please read carefully:
There is nothing wrong with you!
Let that sink in.
There is nothing wrong with you!
Stop playing out all those “what-ifs”, and “if-onlys” in your head.  They are sucking the energy out of you … energy you need right know.
It's a game you can't win.
An Opportunity
You should be open to the notion – even if your pain clouds your judgment right now – that this is an incredible opportunity.
I really mean that.
You have been presented an opportunity to identify, and investigate, what needs changing in your life, and the chance to CHANGE it.
The reason why you have such difficulties with this breakup, is that there is an issue to resolve. An issue that is most probably standing in your way throughout your whole life, whether you realize it or not.
NOW is the best time to put your finger on this issue, and actively work on it.
The reason why people go through this relationship-breakup cycle again and again, is because they rebound quickly, (or even worse – overlap), and don't take the time to work on themselves.
MORE: The Relationship-Breakup Cycle
A breakup works quite like a reset in a way, where you CAN choose who you want to become after that. You can re-build yourself from the ground up.
You can be incredibly selfish, do what you want to do, when you want to do it. You can choose to appreciate and enjoy this given freedom.
You can acknowledge that YOU are unique.
No other person in this world has your particular combination of abilities, talents, appearance, personality, beliefs, aspirations and creativity.
So treat yourself good, treat yourself with respect. Don't engage in activities that dishonor that like trying to numb the pain with alcohol, drugs, or casual sex just to “get over them.”
Because it doesn't help.
It helps temporarily, but it will backfire terribly. And you will hate yourself for it …
You ARE unique.
You will learn to love yourself for that.
The Learning
At first, you will have no clue about what happened. Absolutely no idea why they suddenly decided, for you both, that this relationship didn't have a snowball's chance in hell.
To you, it's like an alien took them over, and made them do things they would never, ever do.
You will rack your brain trying to figure it out.
I know that you think it is of vital importance that you learn the reasons for your breakup. You think this knowledge has the power to turn things around.
But it won't.
I know from experience, that at the very beginning it is quite impossible to fully grasp the dimensions of all the reasons that ultimately led to the split.
You are simply blocked through the pain and don't have the needed emotional detachment yet. You are seeing the relationship through rose-colored glasses that don't permit any critical reasoning.
You've put your Ex on a pedestal.
There are two major insights that a break-up recovery process can give you, (if you let it):
1. Deep level knowledge about yourself – who you are and what makes you tick
2. Realizations about your relationship – how it really was and why it failed
You will learn what went wrong, you will find out how good or bad your relationship really was, you will learn what you can do better in your next relationship, and most of all, you will learn what you want and need in a relationship.
And when you do, you will suddenly understand what I mean by saying that this break-up is an opportunity.
Conclusion
A very old friend of mine, who was homeless for a few years, said to me the following:
“Since I had this terrible experience, and survived, I knew that whatever life throws at me I can handle. I became fearless.”
And this is what I want for you.
After this experience – this break-up or divorce – after you have fought and survived, after you have cried and bled, after this excruciating time, there will be nothing left to fear.
Because you've made it.
You won't be clingy anymore, you won't be attached and attracted to a partner who is so wrong for you. You won't ever live a life in silent despair because of an unhappy relationship.
Because you've made it.
And you will go out there again and don't rest or stop until you've found the ONE who is waiting for you.
And it will be right …
I look at my wife and think how glad I am that my ex left me back then. I look at the kids who wouldn't exist, think of the hundreds of clients that I've helped…
All made possible by this one night in September so long ago, when she said she didn't love me anymore … and my world crumbled.
And look at it now!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Thank you, Eddie for the good wishes!
And today I realised something else: the break-up was really unpleasant on his part, he got physically violent with me on one occasion, his best solution to our issues seemed to get up and walk away and not come back for several days . . .
Those things hurt and I’ve allowed myself to get angry just to get through it.
But what really fuels the blaming and the sorrow is the simple fact that he does not love me anymore. It really hurts, however, now that I’ve labeled it, I know I can get through it.
And what I realised also is that I do need love to be happy. But I also know that it doesn’t have to be his love. That was a relief!
Sandy
Excuse me, I was just wondering you were responding in my stead. I posted the original remark.
Hi Eddie,
Thank you so much for this article. I’m almost at 60 days and it has been extremely difficult at times. But your words reflect very well my experience.
I think the best approach for me has been to ‘sit’ through the pain – anger, sadness, despair, self-pity and frustration. I just sit through it, cry if I can or need to, and feel the emotion pass through me. These moments happen less and less and when they do, they are shorter and shorter. But I really think it’s so important to do this, too – it clears the mind in order to take a good look at what has happened and at what IS happening.
Thanks so much for your kindness in sharing your experience and wisdom!
Hi Sandy, thank you for the kind words.
Hang in there and Happy New Year!
Thank you, Eddie. I am not sure why the commenter below responded to my post but I can assure you am I doing much better, thanks to you and time, dulling my memories and my pain. I am still haunted by his lies but am learning to let go. He made me many promises that I believe he had no intention of keeping. Our relationship was a long distance one. He told me he wanted to be with me forever as husband and wife and we made plans to make this happen but when he broke up with me, his reasoning was that he had his doubts all along. I am confused as to why he would go insofar as to plan for our future when he didn’t believe in it. I am forced to believe he is not the man he led me to believe he was. If you have any further advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Happy new year to you too!
This article changed my tears of sadness to tears of happiness. My now ex told me that he was planning on marrying me, he talked about how he was going to propose and ask my father for his blessing. We named our future children together. We were on the waiting list to get a dog together. We were together for over a year. We met by chance when he was in my country for three months. At the start, neither of us wanted to have a long distance relationship. We thought we would just enjoy the time we had together. But we fell in love. He told me he wanted to stay together even when he left. He told me he was considering skipping his plane and staying illegally because he didn’t want to leave me, but he didn’t want to mess up our future together by doing so. I used my life savings to visit him, twice. I was planning on moving to Ireland (where he is from and lives) for him. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. He broke up with me three weeks ago, out of nowhere, claiming that he has had his doubts about the relationship all along and that we are too different. We had been fighting more recently because of the distance, but it was always over little inconsequential things, out of frustration more than anything else, but it wasn’t that bad. We talked earlier in the afternoon of the break up and he showed me a puppy and told me jokes and things were great, so I was shocked when he broke up with me that evening. We have talked once since then, one week after the break up, he initated it. He said he was impressed with how stoic I was because I answered the phone with a smile and said I was doing great (obviously, I was lying). He told me how important my friendship is to him and what a marvelous human being I am. When I was visiting, his friends (and mother, for that fact) told me how lucky my ex was to have met me and how he’s grown so much as a person since he did. He hasn’t called or texted or anything in over two weeks. I REFUSE to contact him. It’s Day 17 of no contact. I’m doing okay at not contacting him, but I’m still dreaming about getting back together. Please help. How do I stop thinking its possible? I’ve been excersizing, working extra hours at my job, spending time with family and friends… I’ve been able to stop having nightmare about him, but I can’t help but imagine us back together. I know I need to stop, but I’m not sure how. Please help.
My story is complicated but am suffering badly. We went out from 17 to 19 then split. I then travelled for years and but never really forgot her. Met again but she was living with someone else and decided to stay with him. Worked abroad again but managed years later to find her on friends reunited. But again she now had 2 kids. A few years later i came back to the uk and she was literally living alone 2 minutes from my mothers house. We hooked up and that was it bang in love again. Had a child together but thing wasn’t right between me and her son. Anyway after 7 years we have now split for good. We had been drifting apart but I’m absolutely devastated. It’s taked me years to get her than lost her due to my selfishness and not paying her enough attention. I’ve tried to get her back but nothing. I have to see her every week when I get my son and the process is not only heart breaking but full of anxiety. I’ve had to go on anti depressants and sleeping pills. There was someone else envolved at first but she came back crying and telling me she loved me. I now know I should have left it but being so in love I went straight back. After a month she decided she didn’t have feelings anymore. I haven’t been exactly a great partner but am truly gutted. It’s been 6 weeks now and the pain is as still as bad. I do want to ask her questions and tell her how much i miss her but I guess that would be futile
Thanks
Hi Eddie,
thanks for your website. It is great!
What to do when you still have to see your ex every week for academic reasons (same class)? I have been just saying hi – because she says hello, otherwise not even that i would say – and then I go cold turkey. It is very difficult to handle this situation with the ex around…
Thanks.
@ Brenda … if you were feeling like you will be alone for the rest of your life, then chances are there was someone out there feeling the same as you.Focus on what you can give someone else instead of self focusing on what you could miss out on.
Dear eddy,
I seriously need your help. I was in a relationship with a guy for two years, he is my first real love. I never loved a guy the way I did with him. He gave me some of the most happy moments of my life. After a year n a half of our relationship, things started going bad. We used to fight a lot, some of the reasons were becoz of me. Neither of us cheated. We broke up 3 years ago, after the first year of our break up we still loved each other, he said he need a break becoz of his last year in campus and he wanted to only concentrate on that. His not a bad guy, I understood and gave him that space, after he finished campus he still loved me bt wasn’t sure whether to get back together with me or not. I found out that he was with other girls, bt they were just his friends. We go to the same church and he brought one of his female friend along. I was totally jelus, I felt like burning his house down. Eventually he told me that he still has feelings for me bt we will never be togather. I begged so much bt he just didn’t want to take me back. I was so angry at myself for waiting for him. Ever since then I havnt been able to be in a relationship again. I’ve tried bt I can’t feel that deep kind of love with any other guy. I still feel like I’m inlove with my ex. We broke up 3 yrs ago. How is this possible. Why can’t this love go away? I had no contact with him after we broke up until last year agust, when we met at church. We chatted and he brought up our past and the good times. And recently on my birthday which was a month ago, he said that he had flashbacks of us. We never really spoke about our break up. I told him that I’m happy and I’ve moved on, bt really, I’m not and I’m still inlove with him. I didn’t want him to know that though. Please help me guys. This is killing. Its like I have a disease that doesn’t want to go away. Today I was feeling depressed and I came to this site and read some of the articles. It made me feel lighter but after a few hours I feel depressed again. Please help me.
Hi Mimi…
I know how you feel. Read my story I posted below a few weeks ago. I bookmarked this page to read when I am feeling down. I am still so in love with my ex. Just read my story, you’ll feel like your not alone.
Loving someone when it isn’t right is the worst. I feel like I’m going to be like you and still love him 3 years into the future. He was my first love as well. I don’t know how I am going to get through this
At 14 days with no contact. The fact is, I felt unloveable before him. And, as much as intellectually I know better, I feel unloveable after him. Each day gets harder and harder, not easier. When does it start to get easier?
Brand New Kind of Me –is a song by Alicia Keys and it is soo powerful i hope others will google her sing this on utube.
I am post 60 days of no contact and taking care of me now(hence brand new kind of me) where I wasn’t before.I wasn’t sleeping well,too much drinking too much sadness and wallowing,no exercise hiding myself away from friends and family.
Something in this last article set of a spark off in me, we can’t wait for time to heal we have to do our part too.So thanks Eddie for your wisdom and for looking out for us and giving us hope.You are my hero!
Anyone who has had to overcome, tap deep into themselves, embrace the change that has to come in order for growth and healing to occur will relate to this song.I am a new kind of me-now and forever–stronger better more aware of what it is I need from a relationship-
I am not perfect but I can smile again can breathe again can sleep again can open up my heart again-looking ahead now not back–hugs going out to everyone on this journey.Stay focused believe what Eddie has to tell you because he cares and has walked the walk and truly wants us to come out of the fire–it will happen if you but try!
Brenda
Thank you so much Brenda for your kind words… and I will definitely check out this song from Alicia Keys, sounds inspirational.
Eddie, I can’t even tell you how thankful I am that I stumbled upon your articles. Subscribing to you helped me out in ways you will never imagine! When I broke up with my first love in high school, it took me more than 2 years to move on. My most recent ex (of almost 4 years, that I loved MUCH more deeply than my first love) broke up with me 7 months ago, and it only took me a few months to feel like I was moved on and happy again. I literally felt relieved after reading your emails, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I went no contact, held no contact, and I am STILL no contact after 7 months. He recently tried adding me to facebook but I denied, I figure I am doing so well that I am better off keeping him cut off for good. I can’t stress to everyone else on here how IMPORTANT no contact is. Not keeping tabs on them erases them out of your mind so much faster. Thank you so much!
Hi Eddie:
This is Lorraine – its been a long time since I spoke with you.
(Im the woman who had emailed you desparately about 6 mos ago
after my 20 relationship was over.)
This article made me cry. Everything you said is so right on.
Your intuition, knowledge, empathy, wisdom, etc has helped so
many people, myself included.
It has been a long, excruciating stuggle.
I am still recovering, not quite there yet but better than I was.
I am still dealing with the fear and sometimes panic but it has
gotten better.
I went to therapy back in September, and this has helped me to
deal with all of it.
What I am starting to realize is: It is not all my fault (as you
so eloquently stated). That I am a worthy person who has so much
to give and if my ex no longer valued me that way, well maybe
his judgement is clouded.
I look forward to your newsletters and emails.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Ready to live again..
Lorraine
Dear Eddy, This article simply summarises the stages so well. I just finished 5 months post-breakup. The first month, I begged and pleaded of course to no avail. Then in my second month I came across your site and knew it all made sense. Its something lacking from my side that I feel so useless without the person. I understood that I HAVE to work on myself. I signed up for multiple classes like salsa, jumba and aerobics and strated working out. I started the NC rule except at times I would cross paths with him (we work together). Add to it, he had a girlfriend within two weeks after the split (they were friends earlier). It just tore my heart apart but I was determined not to let bitterness creep into me. I battled against my emotions. Cried my heart out etc. How could I have believed that I could be at peace one day. Still I am at peace. I realise that its nobody’s mistake and shit happens. Sometimes I am sad that he never valued me so less even though we were so close. But its just sadness and even when sad, I am at peace. Thanks to the classes, I have made many friends and am in very good shape. And ironically the whole experience has taught me that love is the greatest of all things. To quote Victor Frankl “The truth — that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.” But what we call as love is a selfish clinging to another person to fill the void we feel inside ourselves but the love which is our salvation is just brimming over from inside us because we are so full. To achieve such a stage is, indeed, the highest goal. Thank you Eddy for holding my hand and guiding me through this whole ordeal. Thank you very very much.
Me and my boyfriend just broke up a week ago he said he needed space and time to think about everything because we have been fighting a lot. I didn’t contact him and now its been a week since we have contacted each other. He went out to a bar last night and got drunk with his if he needed to think about us why is he going out and getting drunk while I am emotionally breaking down I texted him today and told him that I cant keep waiting around day after day crying my self to sleep for an answer I am never going to get. I do love him more than anything in this world but I am so hurt and lost I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t care why should I be driving myself crazy day after day. I just need someone to help me because im emotionally so numb and angry I don’t know what to do with myself anymore…
Thanks Eddie. As you know a little bit about my story in the past and how I vented myself on your site a few years back, I have moved on, slowly. Though I am still single. It is interesting what you have been saying and yes I was mentally ticking off certain points that you highlighted, especially about knowing yourself and how to treat the next person I will meet. But first I have to respect myself first, that is the key. Knowing yourself. I am still venting somewhat, but those feelings from the past have gone. The numbness but I still feel isolated. Though I am a single father of 4 but I only have 2 children with me. I was in a 20 year relationship and caught the ex out back in 2010…..she was having an affair and was actually living with the person paying double rent and pretending to be working nightshifts. Well we can guess what nightshift was and there was a few times I actually drove her to her so-called work and dropped her off at the corner shops. She stating that it was a safe house for disabled clients and no one is suppose to know where it was located. Of course later on I caught her out and all hell broke loose. Needless to say when we finally separated, their was legal issues regarding her assaulting me and the children. My daughter and youngest son chose to live with me. Anyway she did end up marrying this person but my daughter told me that it was not legal, for the person that she married had to produce his divorce papers from a previous relationship. It was not until a month to the day that she was in this so-called marriage when the police came to my place and notified that she passed away. She died of a heart-attack. The person that she got involved with introduced her to substance abuse, bad diet and she drank alot as well. So I went through those emotions as well. But I was numb, I felt nothing. It was a strange and surreal effect. The lies and covering up that she crafted. But I had to let go, what happened; happened. It was the children that I had to deal with as they were grieving, so we moved house and tried to move on with our lives. I got my daughter in Uni and changed High School for my son, getting support for them as it comes. Communication is the key. I see the potential in them and thats worth cultivating. I finally got myself a job, though its part-time working with youth services. Still its a journey and a struggle. I still sometimes think about the past, but I am over the what ifs……I know about forgive and forget. And its hard not to sometimes. But for me at this time is looking after myself. I dont drink or do drugs. Though I have a habit with cigarettes and coffe, and I know they are bad for me. Still its a day at a time. I am not beating myself up so much, and I try not to play the blame game. I too am responsible. Of course I would love to meet that special woman, only my heart will tell. The women that I have met and not been with have been too angry, too drunk or too stoned. Not the kind of person I would bring home and introduce to the kids. Time is a healer and someone told me the other day that I am running out time. It was like I was been pressured. I still have that wall around me, I know what I dont want in a relationship. But its like what you said know yourself first. Thats the journey.
Thanks Brain
Dear Eddy,
I am the one who wanted this breakup. I ended it one year ago. Last contact was May of 2012. It was a four 1/2 year relationship. I am 53 and he is 33 (now). I have been through the end a 7 year marriage and the end of a 22 year live in relationship and neither have left me as broken as this one. I truly thought he was the one. We worked together so we did our best to keep everything low profile. Even though we went out locally, traveled and we didn’t hide, but he didn’t want to introduce me to his friends or family. He said he was worried about his job. He was not my supervisor in any way, but I didn’t want a problem at work either. He changed jobs and moved two hours away in late 2011. I told him that if we continued the relationship I didn’t want to be a secret anymore, he agreed. Just prior to Christmas of that year we ran into some of his family out shopping and he just introduced me by name. As time went on he made no attempt to take me to his home town or introduce me to his closest friends. I pursued the issue and he told me he was sorry, he never meant to hurt me, but it wasn’t going to happen. I was devastated to say the least. I told him I couldn’t be a secret anymore, I was worth more than that. He chose to let me go instead of honoring my place in his life by acknowledging me. I am crying as I am writing this the pain still feels so fresh. It was Feb 2012 and I said I couldn’t do it anymore and to not contact me. He sent me two texts in March asking me to dinner. I declined. He text me in April asking me to go on a camping trip with him and some friends in May. I never responded. I knew that the friends on this trip we not his close friends at all and the text had a tone of anger to it, like he was mad that I hadn’t contacted him and he felt pushed to make this “offer” to me. It just didn’t feel right. I needed him to tell me that he missed me and was sorry and wanted me in his life in a “real” way. I knew he was just missing me and missing sex with me. He text me in May to wish me a happy birthday. The next day I sent him a text asking him to please stop contacting me. That I was no ones secret, that he had told me he would introduce me to his friends and family but he didn’t mean it and that I couldn’t be his friend. He hasn’t contacted me since. Eddy, I feel like I am stuck. I go on with my day to day life, but I feel like I am just existing. There are reminders of him everywhere as I still work at the same place. We even shared an office, so his presence is here everyday. I see his old apartment. I just can’t seem to see myself with anyone else. I have tried to stop focusing on what I have lost and focus on my future but I just can’t seem to give up on the hope that he will contact me and want me back. Sad huh? I know that I just need to be strong and push forward. I am hoping that this time with your advice I can finally find the inner strength I need to finally start taking care of me. I hope one day to be as happy as you!!
Thanks you, Nellie
Dear Eddy,
After three years of trying to get over a break up, of trying and failing times too many to count to cut myself off from my ex, I’m going to give it one more shot. This article came today on day 6 of no contact with my ex (although he still texts me), and reading it gives me hope that maybe THIS TIME I can do it. Yet I’m skeptical. I KNOW you are right…about all of it. But reading it/believing it is so much easier than doing it. But I’m going to try. Maybe this time I’ll get it right.
Thanks for your encouragement.
Sincerely,
Cate
PS…it is a joy to read of your happiness. You deserve it.
Lets try this together. I’m in the same boat. It’s really hard and i’ on day 2. He still calls me too but I told myself I would stop answering this time around. I did what eddie said not to do and was friends with him right after our breakup last december and this past saturday is the second time i’ve told him that I can’t do it any more. I believe this time I will succeed. I realized I was a love addict in the process. I’m reading the book Addiction To Love and it’s helping me see that it’s deeper than just not picking up the phone.
Thanks Eddie so much. I had been getting your emails for the past few months and then I stopped because I thought my situation was “different” because he wanted to be my friend and was soo incredibly nice to me these past few months. I was his best friend but I was miserable. I’m so glad I got your email this morning…:)
Thank you Eddy! This article was soo inspiring :). I am on day 28 of NC and thanks to you I have been able to keep my sanity and dignity through this godawful month.
Thank you.
With love,
Sarah
Thank you so much for your kind words Sarah!
Hang in there!
Hi Eddie,
This was a refreshing article. It was 7 months after my break up and I can’t help but smile while reading this. It’s not that I lost my mind these past few months, but, I am just so happy that I listened to all your words and I strictly followed NC. And you’re right, I survived. Who would have thought that the literally mind-blowing and the physically and mentally-tiring post-breakup drama would end without me having a heart-attack? I didn’t think it’s possible until I was able to accept all the things that happened.
However, honestly, what I still need to do is becoming FEARLESS. I know that I have survived and nothing could be more painful than that, but, it’s just that I don’t EVER want that to happen again. Maybe, since I am stronger and wiser now, I’ll be a bit more cautious with men. I am really hoping I could become more positive about relationships. I’ll keep on improving myself. Thanks for all your help. 🙂
Dear Ruth,
Congratulations that you made it through. Isn’t it empowering to know that although it was hell, you made it anyway?
I don’t think that our goal should be that something like that never happens to us again, because there are no guarantees in relationships. I think that we should start to TRUST ourselves more that we can handle anything that comes along.
With trust comes courage. And with continuous courage fear will eventually subside.
Dear Eddy,
i just broke up with my ex since last week thursday. We’ve been together for almost 5 years in which I made huge mistakes the first 2 years of the relationship. afterwards I realised that I had to fight for her love to keep the flame burning between us. for almost 2,5 years i’ve been battling to make this relationship work but now i’m totally exhausted and all burned up.
My hands were strong but my knees were far to weak ..because off all the begging and hoping that things would be better.
what makes me extremely sad and mad is that her parents along with her sisters could only judge me on my past behaviour and not looking at the last 2,5 years where i gave it my all to make her happy. int hose 2,5 years she excelled at university because I was there all the time to help her. Aside from that I helped and supported her in every single way.
the day before I broke up with her I turned 26. Now I’m in total shock not knowing what to do or who to turn to. within 12 weeks i have to graduate but at the moment i’m not sure if this is possible for me.
it makes me so angry and sad at the same time when i repeat the sentence in my head,
‘ if were to go live together nobody of my family members will come and visit us because of me’. they judge purely on my actions of the past but never have taken my last 2,5 years into consideration. it seems like I was not human enough to make mistakes and therefor making it unforgivable.
another painful sentence she mentioned was that she loves me so much yet she is no longer attracted to me. intimacy was for her impossible the last 2 years.
in 2011 I went for an exchange programme in Taiwan and returned to the Netherlands in the first week of July. We then went on holiday together and there I had to discover that she was texting with another guy. She fell in love with another guy and I never recovered since that time.
our relationship has brought us to were we are right now. going our separate ways and being left behind with so many questions.
I tried so hard to make this relationship told her so often how much i regretted the past and how badly I wanted to make everything right. Every time she said to me: dont worry I love you and we will make it through.
it was only just a dream.
I signed up for your free news letter and I all can hope for is to find happiness again. however i somehow cannot see myself being and living without her plans our plans..
eddy I beg you please help me through this.
Lee
Lee,
Keep fighting and do the No Contact. Eddie is a freaking genius when it comes to this stuff. I can’t tell you how much the articles on this damn web site helped me with my really bad break up! Read EVERY single article and follow it to a T. I also focused internally on myself and fixing myself for…. myself. Not for anyone else! I also lifted a ton of weights, and made sure a big F-U would be to make myself better. You can do this man!
dear Christian,
First of all thank you for your support and words. It feels to good to know that my friends and family are helping me but most important for me at the moment is the help from Eddy’s articles and wisdom. This has lifted so much weight off my shoulders.
more than 10 days have passed since i’ve spoken to her. I’ve a new cellphone number she there’s no looking at my iphone a million times a day hoping she will call/text me.
Im going to focus on writing my thesis so that I can graduate this coming semester and my initial plan is to ‘ fix myself’ as you’ve mentioned.
wish you all the best and once again thank you for your kind words and support.
Lee
Hi Lee,
Sorry for this difficult time or moment that your are living. I felt like you one year ago and I remember I used to have the same questions in mind kicking my dignity all the time. So a big question came up… Why my ex is such important to me, that I put my person interests in second place? Why should I need to fight for something that it is not in my hands or for someone that can support me?
I discover that the most important thing in the world is me and in your situation, you.
Find your own personality, hang out with friends, poof yourself that you are awesome, look for people that really care of you.
Also, honestly, do you all ready forgave yourself for that 2 years? If you did what ever you had done, was because the situation push you to do that and the most important thing it is in the past.
Hope you will be fine. Send you a big hug.
PS Sorry for my English.
Dear Lee,
I’ve read your post and I knew exactly what it was like to discover her messaging to another guy. It is what most of them do when they break up with us so easy. They do not feel what we feel because they have someone already to talk to, to share thoughts and emotions… When my husband broke up with me, I thought he was alone having a hard time as well…but later I discovered a telephone bill where I found out that he was chatting for hours every day with his “business friend” (that what he called her and I believed then). I knew her all these years and she pretended to be a friend with me… They messaged to each other at midnight time and he still says that it was only a friendship.
I wish I could give you relieve, I know how hard it is to be where you are now… Try to think that she doesn’t deserve you if she has never commited to the relationship with you? You must remember that commitment is needed to keep relationship and she never commited. Do you really need a partner who can easy to switch to someone else if something is not right? Try to think of what if you become sick? Will she be there to support you? I doubt… You can’t be in relationship that makes you to please another one all the time – you will get exhausted and really sick… I also understood from your letter that you are still young, so you have many years ahead to find someone better… You will, believe me…
Olga.
Dear Olga,
thank you so much for your support.
I broke up with a day after I turned 26. Even though i’m ‘ young’ the pain im currently feeling is killing me. Right now im focussing on graduating this semester and then treat myself for a nice holiday.
I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I tried everything to prove I loved her gave her my all to make all her dreams come true but i’m longer blinded by her lies.
I’m better off now that it’s over and with support from Eddy and encouraging comments from people like you I will find Miss Right:)
wish you all the best,
Lee
Dear Lee,
I am turning 46 this year, that’s why I mentioned your young age. I am sorry if it made you feel bad. Believe me, I do know what it’s like to feel rejected especially when you put so much of yourself into relationship. It’s good that you now have Eddie to help you to go through this pain. I must tell you that I went through such pain a few times and didn’t have Eddie before. The most difficult part is to accept the fact that we must step into uncertainty and still trying to carry on with our everyday things. It’s bad that it happened during your examination because we lose concentration completelly. I did. By the way, my son is 26 as well. Please remember, you desrve to be loved, Lee. It’s very nice that you can afford a nice holiday because it will bring new emotions into your life and you will feel fresh again. I couldn’t afford to go on holidays and I went through every stage of this misrable process with all those misrable memories and pain all over me again and again. It took long. Holiday will fix you quicker, Lee. So, get your exams done and look forward to nice days ahead? I will support you. I give you my warmest hug, Lee.
Olga.
Hi olga,
After these 5 years…I have to rebuild my whole life from scratch to..wherever life will take me. I just turned 26 and I live in the netherlands so I work hard for my own money. Thank god I have my parents who do not support financially but do not ask me to contribute as well to general costs like housing of groceries. I also do not smoke or drink alcohol at all so this gives me an advantage to save money.
going on a holiday is great but I would move heaven and earth do go on a holiday with somebody who loves and appreciates me for who I am.
and to be honest…i thought she was the one…
well its time for me to let go and print the advice of Eddie in my head so that i will be able to find Ms.Right.
Take care Olga
wish you all the best.
Lee
Dear Lee,
I am sure on holiday you will meet new opportunities which will take your thoughts away from her. You will see other girls around who will show interest in you… Believe me that men are more “in demand” than women 🙂 and so many of them out there who want to care for a man. I know you would love to have someone by your side going on holiday but God knows, maybe, there is a girl planning her holiday now who may be the better match for you and what happened was just to bring you both together?! Why not?!
Sometime break ups exist to bring two people together… Think of it? The girl who messaged to another man while you two were still together is not what you need in your life, Lee. Yes, you thought she was the One but she wasn’t and another meeting is already arranged for you by Creator, believe me… Tret yourself now with something you like and dream of a girl you would like to have by your side. Our thoughts and desires come true because they can be materialised… Try to read some books about it, it may help a lot as well…
I wish you to get out of it the soonest…
Olga.
Dear Olga,
Im lost in confusion..like an illusion I haven’t spoken to her for more than 2 weeks. I realise that im not as important to her as she is to me.
with that in my mind i slowly but gradually go through the process.
If wish that a holiday could give me the ‘ mental boost’ i could use right but the truth is..it wont. I thought having parents from 2 different cultures would give me some advantage to see things from different perspectives.
My father is ( dutch) and my mom is ( cantonese , hong kong) but i dont posses the chinese wisdom nor do i posses the down to earth mindset of my dutch culture.
emotions especially this painful one kills everything inside of me.
sometimes I wish that i could just close my eyes and wake up and all my pain is gone..
I hope it was worth if for her. once again thank you for positive peptalk
greetings from The Netherlands,
Lee
Dear Lee, I am so sorry that you feel that bad. But it is so natural to feel what you feel at the moment. You would like to wake up and not to feel that pain again… I know… When it happened to me I simply wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because every time when I woke up I felt as if a heavy black cloud wrapped me all over and that heaviness was almost tangible, I couldn’t cope to start a new day… I must admit that I felt like that a few times in my life. The first time I was 25, then it happened again at the age of 33… Yes, you are right saying that we are not so important to them. I think that most people simply not ready for a long lasting relationship with its responsibilities and commitments – this could be one of the reasons of your break up. Also in some cases (like mine) they do not feel the same towards you right from the beginning, they simply follow you and they are so flattered by the emotions you show towards them. I understand how bad you want to have her by your side, but for your sake try to think of her different? Try to recall those moments when she was ugly towards you? Try to find as much as possible bad quolities in her? It’s for your sake, Lee? Long time ago I read a book about how things happen in this world, how some events lead to the others and we may not know about them yet but we may help ourselves by switching our energies towards positive events to happen in our lives. For your own sake, Lee, please switch all the energy you spend on thinking of her towards the events you wish to happen…but it mustn’t be about your ex… She is in past, forgive her in your heart and let her go, let The Creator to do the judgement…the sooner you forgive her the sooner the judgment will come… Wish yourself to find someone who will care… Believe me, Lee, it will come… Mrs Right is out there already walking towards you but you do not know yet… It was nice to learn that your Mom is from Hong Kong, so you have her Wisdom to follow and to learn…speak to her? I always admired by how wise eastern people are, they accumulated so much natural knowledge and they are so different and inteligent… You will learn from your Mom a lot, I believe… She may recommend you some books which will teach you how much is out there in this world to learn about to allow us to become wise and find peace withing ourselves not from outside world…
Lee, you can speak to me any time, I will always answer…
My warm wishes,
Olga.
Dear Olga,
I wish that i could walk away..but it seems like i need her more and more each day..i remember when i used to make her smile im yearning for it to see it one more time…im falling im drowning because my life has changed.
Im calling her name but she doesnt hear a thing while I think about it night and day. and I ask my why why why?? did we let it come this far.
but it seems like we dont ‘ miss our water until it dries right?
Guess I have to take this step alone…she’s gone and i cannot undo my decision i made a month ago.
I hope to see the light soon because right now im sill trapped in a dark tunnel.
take care Olga.
Dear Lee,
I know what it’s like…I do know well what you are going through… This is a stage of the process and sometime you will feel like you can not take it anymore. Believe me that all these people who happened to find Eddie’s website are experiencing the same – thousands of them… Lee, you said that she was messaging with another guy…which means she doesn’t miss you…I know it is cruel thing to say because you want her to miss you as well… Oh… But a good thing is that you will recover, Lee. I promise that one day you will find yourself thinking of her without having such a pain, you will feel nothing towards her! It will come… and even more… you will think that it was a good thing that she broke with you…because there will be a better person by your side. You said “made her smile”… Well… Did she want to make you smile? Did she want to make you happy?
Dear Lee, I feel your pain because I went through the same a few times… Many people simply do not know what it takes to love another person…she didn’t commit herself to this relationship, Lee. So, there must be two people commited…and she wasn’t… I like this: “No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of llove by chance, it is by choice”. – Unknown.
Lee, there will be the day you will feel nothing towards her…
I give you my warm hug…
Olga.
I have just reached my 60 days of no contact–thank you thank you thank you!
While it hasn’t been easy,it has been a journey that this latest article has summed up soo perfectly.
I am turning 65 and was soo shattered because I could not make things work for us.I still wrestle with the concept” is my life now done -over in the relationship area”.”Will I die alone and lonely “??I love that song by “Gotye-someobody that I use to know” and I love love love these articles.I am feeling somewhat stronger,at peace inside and I know that spring is coming and I will get my mojo back–I feel hope coming again,I do.
This is a journey for sure and I have bled and cried and done all that you said would happen.To know that this is a normal progression truly helps me–and to think that I pulled off the 60 days,with no contact, whoo hoo–I am amazed at me! yeah me! thanks Eddie for being out there for all of us–blessings and love go out to you–keep on keeping on !
Brenda
Congrats Brenda! 🙂