My girlfriend of 2 years left in early July, saying she wanted to spend time with another guy, but that it was like an experiment, and her feelings for me were unchanged. When the experiment didn’t work after 2 months, she contacted me again and we started talking. A month later, we were back together…and it lasted 10 days before she said that she needs more time.
That was last night, and she asked for a month with no contact so she can sort out her feelings.
I am embarrassed that I let her back in the door. Even worse, if I had to respond today… I’d let her in again. Pathetic.
I feel your pain… I don’t want you to beat yourself up. What you did was not pathetic… it was only human.
Was it a mistake? Yes… but a forgivable one. In a lifetime, all of us make many, many mistakes. What we should do is NOT ever make the same mistake twice.
But I understand why you did it.
When it comes to our Ex, we are completely irrational and we make crazy mistakes… even multiple times, because we desperately want things to be as they were before. We want our Ex to be the same person as they were the day we fell in love with them, and we want this relationship to be what it was when everything was in perfect order.
Unfortunately this is one of the hardest things to accept – that the relationship has changed.
To regain what we have lost, we are prepared to “bend reality”, to turn a blind eye to things that are red flags and completely unacceptable in a relationship.
Our usually so rational minds malfunction when it comes to losing the one we love.
I call this “Breakup Blindness”.
When your girlfriend tells you she wants to be with another man as part of an experiment, and at the same time she assures you that her feelings for you are unchanged, then there is something terribly wrong with this relationship. This is something no man can accept.
This is where you have to tell her to choose between you and this experiment, or to go to hell.
This is unforgivable and it’s an infallible sign that the relationship may have already come to an end.
The one main characteristic of a long term relationship is that having feelings for your partner excludes having feelings for someone else at the same time. It’s the very definition of being monogamous.
So, going off with another man is THE ultimate red flag. And going off twice is the mother of all red flags.
I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty – I am on your side. I’m saying this to make you understand.
But you probably already do… you just feel helpless to do anything about it.
That is why I am a big proponent of the No Contact Rule. It’s the ultimate force field against pain-inflicting, going-wild Exes who just want to “experiment”.
The right move would have been to go No Contact immediately after she went “experimenting” the first time. That would have spared you the devastating second break-up – instead of going through all of this AGAIN, you could’ve taken the time to heal.
Now you are back to square one.
Again, I am not saying this to hurt you. I just want you to understand the situation and know where you stand.
When a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband leaves and they don’t give a definitive reason, but instead give contrary excuses, we are very tempted to wait for them… maybe eventually they will come around.
But this is very dangerous thinking because you give up all the power you have, you put everything on hold just for the small chance of a reconciliation.
It can tear you up from the inside.
Whereas the Ex holds all the cards, and have a safe place to fall-back in case something goes wrong with their “new” adventures. They know that the same old you will be waiting for them to come back so they could summon their energy for another strike…
Don’t make it so easy for them. Take your power back and see this situation as it is.
Let me tell you straight Thomas, even if it hurts like hell – when someone leaves you twice like that, you don’t ever take them back. Ever.
Because if they’ve done something like that twice, they will do it again. And why not? It was so easy for her and had no consequences.
Please face reality and tell her to get the hell out of your life forever.
Go on strict no contact, start your recovery and you will start feeling better very soon.