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What To Do When Your Ex Leaves You Twice

The Ex Walks Away Twice

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My girlfriend of 2 years left in early July, saying she wanted to spend time with another guy, but that it was like an experiment, and her feelings for me were unchanged. When the experiment didn’t work after 2 months, she contacted me again and we started talking. A month later, we were back together…and it lasted 10 days before she said that she needs more time.

That was last night, and she asked for a month with no contact so she can sort out her feelings.

I am embarrassed that I let her back in the door. Even worse, if I had to respond today… I’d let her in again. Pathetic.


Dear Thomas,

I feel your pain… I don’t want you to beat yourself up. What you did was not pathetic… it was only human.

Was it a mistake? Yes… but a forgivable one. In a lifetime, all of us make many, many mistakes. What we should do is NOT ever make the same mistake twice.

But I understand why you did it.

When it comes to our Ex, we are completely irrational and we make crazy mistakes… even multiple times, because we desperately want things to be as they were before. We want our Ex to be the same person as they were the day we fell in love with them, and we want this relationship to be what it was when everything was in perfect order.

Unfortunately this is one of the hardest things to accept – that the relationship has changed.

To regain what we have lost, we are prepared to “bend reality”, to turn a blind eye to things that are red flags and completely unacceptable in a relationship.

Our usually so rational minds malfunction when it comes to losing the one we love.

I call this “Breakup Blindness”.

When your girlfriend tells you she wants to be with another man as part of an experiment, and at the same time she assures you that her feelings for you are unchanged, then there is something terribly wrong with this relationship. This is something no man can accept.

This is where you have to tell her to choose between you and this experiment, or to go to hell.

This is unforgivable and it’s an infallible sign that the relationship may have already come to an end.

The one main characteristic of a long term relationship is that having feelings for your partner excludes having feelings for someone else at the same time. It’s the very definition of being monogamous.

So, going off with another man is THE ultimate red flag. And going off twice is the mother of all red flags.

I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty – I am on your side.  I’m saying this to make you understand.

But you probably already do… you just feel helpless to do anything about it.

That is why I am a big proponent of the No Contact Rule.  It’s the ultimate force field against pain-inflicting, going-wild Exes who just want to “experiment”.

The right move would have been to go No Contact immediately after she went “experimenting” the first time.  That would have spared you the devastating second break-up – instead of going through all of this AGAIN, you could’ve taken the time to heal.

Now you are back to square one.

Again, I am not saying this to hurt you.  I just want you to understand the situation and know where you stand.

When a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband leaves and they don’t give a definitive reason, but instead give contrary excuses, we are very tempted to wait for them… maybe eventually they will come around.

But this is very dangerous thinking because you give up all the power you have, you put everything on hold just for the small chance of a reconciliation.

It can tear you up from the inside.

Whereas the Ex holds all the cards, and have a safe place to fall-back in case something goes wrong with their “new” adventures. They know that the same old you will be waiting for them to come back so they could summon their energy for another strike…

Don’t make it so easy for them. Take your power back and see this situation as it is.

Let me tell you straight Thomas, even if it hurts like hell – when someone leaves you twice like that, you don’t ever take them back. Ever.

Because if they’ve done something like that twice, they will do it again. And why not? It was so easy for her and had no consequences.

Please face reality and tell her to get the hell out of your life forever.

Go on strict no contact, start your recovery and you will start feeling better very soon.

Your friend,



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34 Responses to What To Do When Your Ex Leaves You Twice

  1. Edward January 31, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

    I’ve been in strict “No Contact” for 6 months, and it’s been excruciating. My ex of 4 1/2 years put me through Hell with her cheating, lies, deceit and manipulation. She has used others to snoop and stalk me on Facebook etc…The day we broke up for the 4th time in 4 months, she got in a committed relationship with the stooge she cheated for months on me with and painted her new relationship and new found happiness for ALL to see soon after (immature). But, there is no doubt I did the right thing by turning my back, walking away and instituting “No Contact.” It will take a long time to recover, but I am getting better and stronger each month.

    My advice: Be a man! Have self respect with these manipulative females who think they can mistreat you for they’re own gain, so they don’t have to be alone…and at your expense. Make it very awkward for them if they ever see you again. Because when they do, you will be healed and the stronger person emotionally. And know, that in the end, YOU WON, and they will have no choice but to respect you again.

  2. Edward February 1, 2013 at 2:55 pm #

    I would like to add that just a few days after I broke up with her is when she painted her new relationship and new perceived found happiness on Facebook (immature, classless and rubbing it in my nose). Keep in mind this woman is 49 years old.

    Also I want to add that for 4 months following the breakup, she text messaged, Facebook messaged and emailed me every week. All attempts went unanswered. She never called. Instead she tried using manipulation and control by hiding behind the written word. After all, love is personal. Text messaging, Facebook messaging and email is impersonal. Thus, after recognizing this, I had no choice but to delete my Facebook and email accounts and get and new phone number and different email address.

    Please do what ever you need to do to cut these manipulators out of your life, and do not care what people think about your actions to do so, because IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HEALING. If your ex mocks your actions with others, GOOD! You’ve burst their ego a little, because you want nothing to do with them, and they can’t play with your head anymore. Don’t believe the bullshit it-doesn’t-bother-me game by allowing them to contact you, because IT DOES!! You’re alone and licking your wounds, and their having fun and screwing the stooge they cheated on behind your back with for months while, at the same time, trying to manipulate you behind the scenes and feeding their sick ego and making you look like a real CHUMP….DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, AND RUN THE OTHER WAY. Be glad some new victim is in their web, and you found away to release yourself.

  3. S.A.B. February 1, 2013 at 11:16 pm #

    Girlfriend of 8 months left me right before Christmas, only to come back within 4 days. My fault for taking her back, probably, but two days ago, she flew out to LA to see a friend. I got an email at noon before her flight saying it was over. She’d spent the two nights prior with me, and when I got home that night, all her stuff was gone, and anything she’d had of mine was there. Almost like it was planned. If they leave once, it’s only easier for them the next time…there were signs I should have seen, such as the fact that despite her always talking “seriously” about us, she went and booked the trip without even a mention to me, and obviously didn’t care to share in a trip across the country with me. She gets back Monday, and Tuesday I fly to San Diego for work. I’d mentioned last month that it’d be great if she could come out while I’m there, so we could extend the stay and have some time to ourselves, but again, at this point in life, I don’t think she’s ready for things to be as serious as she initially let on. She’s 23, and within 3 months was pushing to move in together, and threw the word marriage out more than once. Like I said, we were only together 9 months total…

  4. michi February 5, 2013 at 7:01 am #

    exact same thing happened to me.. and now the he found his reason to make me a reason to finally leave me because perhaps he finally got to work out with some other girl, i feel devastated especially the last time i desperately, even put my life in danger just to see and talk to him and kindly explain what, why and how..only thing the still ring in my memory even in my sleep is his cold staring eyes and his cold voice telling that i am delusional and it’s over. he doesn’t wanna hear from me see me, feel me. just be dead when i said i thought what we were doing for the past months is trying so make things work out, seem it was all indeed in my head controlled by my overwhelming ideals and hopes and imaginations. unrealistic. i admit my mistakes and flaws and want to learn from it and make things work out. but he didn’t gave me the chance, my head says maybe he did but i was too naive and blinded. he was 6 years older and a lot more experienced. i cant blame my self for it was my very first relationship in my whole life, he was the very first man who held my hand. he was my best friend. but in those days, i saw the signs but kept my self more delusional and ended up feeling like a crap. and he’s happy now. im still on my stages of coping.

  5. Stacey Cadd February 5, 2013 at 11:32 am #

    I met a boy in April 2011, we spent a year and half together and loved each other so much. Then one day I woke up and I didn’t feel anything anymore, so after months of arguments I split up with him. My ex moved away for 3 months with work. In that time I got treated for depression and was so convinced I loved him and wanted him back, I told him all the time but he wasn’t interested. Then he got back and we agreed to meet up, my feelings were confirmed, I did still love him and wanted to be with him. Two days later out of the blue he asked me to get back with him and I felt nothing again. How can this be possible, what can I do to be happy again? Please help x

    • sai March 5, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

      I think ur problem is same with what most gurls have; they think luv is a feeling but be smart today you feel happy tomrw u feel sad. today you feel energetic tomorrow you feel tired. Today u feel sexy tomorrow u feel drab. LUV IS NOT A FEELING THOUGH THE FEELING TRIGGERS LUV. love is a decision when you know you have meet a good person you are compatible with, someone whom you know will be there for you. someone kind and honest with you that you can give to and know there is no guarantee that one day he may not want out and even if this happens, u know you will hurt but u will be fine.

      So if you know this guy meets all the qualities I have stated get back together and try you best to be happy with him soon the feeling will come back. its because of this our distorted Hollywood view of luv that society, marraiges, relaionships are failing. surprise yourself and do the right thing.

      • saiyaks April 7, 2013 at 8:22 pm #

        This is the most sensible thing I have heard about love try to broadcast it you will be doing the world a favor

  6. Lisa February 11, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

    My situation is pretty bad. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. we have had our ups and downs. we started spending less time together due to new jobs and schedules. it was an issue. He would tell me he didnt feel appreciated and didnt feel like he was getting what he was putting in from me. Long story short he broke up with me in november and we got back together in December early jan 2013. He told me he still loved me, he wanted to make me a priority, work 100% to fix our issues and make it work with our schedules. less then a month after saying that he dumped me again. says he meant those things at the time;l He says He loves being with me sometimes and when I am not able to be there he wants the opportunity to be with someone else. My heart sank. He has never said this before. I begged, pleaded and tried to get him to understand we could make this work. He says he didnt want to. He also said he thinks its best if we dont contact one another. He didnt say this in our last break up. He basically wished me a good future of happiness and said we don’t know what the future holds. so I left him a v.mail and told him I was letting him go as well and I wished him happiness in his future no matter who he is with.My question is ,ls there still hope for us to get back together ? will no contact even if it was his idea help him to get his thoughts together and want me back ever? It has been 4 days since I talked to him. If I stop contacting him for good will it have an affect even if it was what he wanted?? will he feel like he has lost me completely? will he care
    ??please help.

    • michi February 13, 2013 at 1:22 am #

      hello lisa,
      your situation exactly reminds me of mine. But for the last 3 months of my break up, im still in my week two of my no contact policy with him, before the last 3 months i kept on contacting him..hoping for the thing that what others and you hoped for, but it all made things worst, it only showed him that im not capable on my own self which proved that i really dont know how to love my self. I am knew about that since we started to be together, but i somehow lost that, made my world revolve around him, forgot my own worth, the no contact method will painfully, but effectively brings you in contact with your own self. Its hard, god knows how its hard it is to keep the urge on contacting him again. Last night i found my self suddenly bursting into tears. I miss him so much. It hurts like hell. I wanted to reject, deny that pain brought by the memories and longings. But something reminded me, it is the video i watched about grief and pain..all i have to do is just stop. Be still. Keep quiet. Be on that moment. The pain the sadness etc. i welcomed them with all my vulnerability..and later after i didn’t noticed how long it was, but all i remember is all of them slowly fades away leaving me with so much lightness within. I knew resisting and denying my pain will only make things more prolonged and soaked into more growing pain until it turns into a disease.
      My friend i recommend you to go deeper. Slowly train your senses especially your mind to be still be mindful, you’ll see the may be slowly and painful.. but i assure you it is worth it.
      Try writing a journal.. :D
      Whenever you feel sad and you miss him, write about it, and then read it. Just like a visitor, welcome and then say goodbye to them. :)
      He will feel that he lost you, of course, most likely when his new relationship wont work. He will feel and say he wants you back if that happens, incase. But keep your mind to your self, ask you self, is that what you really want? it may feel good and seems ok at first, i’ve been there and done that, but trust me.. it got more screwed up..simply because you tend to loose your self will find your self in more disappointments. Not unless you fully learn what and who really you are beyond what your mind and emotions defines you. I suggest you read about why you wouldn’t want to get back with your dumper. this website is epicly helpful to guide to you back to your original self. you are the love it self. :)

  7. Tanya February 12, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    I just need to say that I’m on day 2 of no contact with my ex and it hurts like h***:( We didn’t actually breakup; I just caught him in some lies and suspect he was cheating again. After two years of dealing with him never calling, texting or emailing (this is a long distance relationship) I just realized that I was in a relationship by myself. He never would talk about anything with me and never wanted to visit me. He was ALWAYS busy and never had time for me. Everyone and everything (work, his son, the car, his work, work, work) always came before our relationship. He was ALWAYS working late and only called to say goodnight. I’m just not sure why after all this; he would still try to keep me around when he wanted to be around others. I tried leaving in Jan 13, but he sent me a photo (only email) of an engagement ring and said he wanted to get married it was mine. I said ok but when he came to town to visit his son (not me) he didn’t give me the ring. I was emotionally dead from being ignored and overlooked but then to use a carat to kinda catch or keep me and I feel for it was – simply pathetic of myself. So basically, I see the light now. He never “really” loved me.

    Anyways, sorry to ramble but I read what Edward said and smiled for the first time in two days being that maybe – just maybe – I will “feel” again. I’m tired of being numb with pain.

    P.S. I hurt for those who are going thru the similar pain of loosing their loves, future and life. Maybe that is taken it too far – but it’s what I feel now.

    Ciao ~

    • T July 13, 2013 at 7:08 pm #

      Hi Tanya,
      I have the similar issue only it’s not long-distance. He is a busy-holic, and said he finds it hard to say no to people and puts himself last (because he’s too busy trying to people-please and feed his ego) therefore I come last because I am a part of him. He always has plans to change and give up things but never does and is busier than ever giving to everyone else that I only saw him once a week. I never demanded anything from him and tried to be understanding and patient but slowly after being on this sight and enduring several breakups a with him am coming to my senses. He would say he wants to marry me and live together and more but nothing ever happened. And he even said if we do live together that it would only be a few days out of the week so he could help his mom. And that I would probably get sick of him every day and wouldn’t want to see him everyday. He’s 48 y/o!!!! I finally addressed the issue with him and said he has commitment issues and what is he afraid of? And at his age why on earth would he want a relationship like that for? But mainly I am thinking of me now, why am I settling for this? I’m sure he loves me very much but the reality is this is the best he’s got to offer. Though I love him too, I want more. I need more, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I am fortunate that I have had nurturing living relationships in my past to know the difference and I can’t settle for this anymore nor sacrifice my true self for his ‘busyness’ any longer. :( I am sad but I need to let go of him now. Everything has always been in his terms and what a roller coaster it has been. I live Warrens message from the article “a message from the future you”. It inspires me that it really has little to do with them and is really about how you want to be treated.

      • noirdude January 13, 2014 at 10:08 pm #

        gotta respond to those last two. it’s really amazing how hepful it is to know that other people male and female are going through the exact same thing you are. that’s one of the things that make this site so helpful because when you’re in the shit and having panic attacks and all your abandonment issues are being triggered left, right and center you feel so totally helpless and alone. i’m very often amazed how much other people’s stories mirror my own even down to the fine details. in my case i’m male and i’m the one that broke it off but just like the last two i was the one doing all the work, i obviously liked her more than she liked me and i don’t chase after anybody. been there done that biggest waste of time in history. i have a pattern with this scenario, btw, this was not the first i knew from day one she had a really busy life (she’s a “minor celebrity” on youtube) but as with anything else if it’s important enough the person will make it happen and i was just sick of not being any real priority. then i found myself feeling needy and desperate and like i was pursuing and she was fleeing. i briefly “cyber stalked” her but then i realized it had run its course and it was very much time to move on. this was all she was prepared to give and i have too much dignity these days to accept table scraps. when i broke it off she protested breifly. in the end she admitted that i was not being unreasonable nor demanding too much but again it was obvious she was not gonna change. in a sense i think she was relieved because i gave her “an out”. i can’t change her but i can change me and in this case that meant breaking it off. and for the record NC is NOT about winning the ex back by acting aloof…’s about MOVING ON. i’ve actually practiced NC for years long before i discovered this site and i will go on record as saying the pain i suffered when i didn’t was 100 times worse than the temporary broken hearted loneliness i’m going through now. definitely the lesser of 2 evils. and as hard as it is to fathom i do not pine away for any of my ex girlfriends now wouldn’t want any of them back and eventually my most recent will be the same.

  8. michi February 13, 2013 at 1:45 am #

    @stacey cadd,

    I can feel your confusion about how you really feel towards him,
    Perhaps try to have more time with you self. In silence. You have depression, have you ever wondered where do that come from? perhaps its a cry for help withing you, from you, it begs you to be more attentive and concerned, loving to your own self.. perhaps you noticed that you dont like to be and feel alone. That’s why you feel and concluded that you love him after he was gone. Question is, what is love to you? does love means to you that someone or something is necessary to feel you emptiness you feel inside? You must realize and learn that being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely and you have to find someone or something to feel fill you self. to make you feel complete. because simple fact is, you are already complete. you are already love. when you remember and feel that effortlessly, you will no longer feel and be on that confusion on that roller coaster feeling of your’s.. :)
    i suggest give more time to know and remember who you are, what you want.
    Because most probably, when you rush things and cannot be still for a while, you will definitely conclude and jump on things blindly, confused and unsure, that will most probably cause you and him more tangled in confusion and uncertainty which leads to pain. Yes, you will not only constantly hurt your self, but also your loved one. unless you remember your self, pain due to failure of relationship will be inevitable.
    I had been there and already done that. Trust me. Try to listen more deeply to your self first. Dont be selfish to your self, for you will be selfish to him as well.

  9. michi February 13, 2013 at 1:49 am #


    We should always have to remember, i am speaking for my self too, :)
    that we, our selves, is our primary coach. Mr. Eddie cannot help us unless we try to help our selves first. :)


  10. Erin February 20, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

    My story goes back a bit. I first met my recent ex back in 2006. We dated for a few months & then he broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship in his life at that time. The following year he tried to contact me but I had already moved on & met my ex husband by then. He reached out to me through the years on facebook & text but we eventually stopped talking all together. I was divorced July of last year which was a good thing. I married the wrong man miserable marriage I ended. I reached out to my ex in November last year via email & we started taking again on the phone & on text. He was in a new relationship & we just decided to stay friends. He end up breaking up with this newer girlfriend in early beginning of January & comes after me hard core. Says how much he has thought about me all these years & how he was meant to be with me. He explained the first time he broke up with me was because he wasn’t healed from a prior relationship & he knew things would be serious with us and he wasn’t ready but now was the time for us to be together. He apologized about hurting me the first time over & over again. At first, I pushed it off told him wasn’t ready and than he had just gotten out of a relationship. He just kept telling me that the relationship was short & it has been over before it was over and how badly he wanted to be with me. I decided to see him & the feelings from so many years ago were still there hidden. So we got into a relationship & things were great. Then I get a text from him on a Monday afternoon after spending the entire weekend with him. It asked if we could go on a break for 30 days so he could heal his heart because he still wasn’t over his ex. This ex he kept downplaying feelings for in the first place. It was all very sudden & painful. It hurt more then first time he broke up with me. Their is not going to be a third round in my heart. I know he will contact me at some point. I just hope the love I feel for him is gone completely by then. Next Monday will be 30 days no contact. The first week was the hardest. It’s going to take some time for me to be able to trust another man into my world. I’m really confused & love does feel like a big game. Men seen to say a lot of the right things to me but its their actions I am looking for to back it up now.

  11. KR March 26, 2013 at 4:01 am #

    Hi, I am also feeling alot like Eddie and Michi and REALLY appreciate this forum,it has helped me greatly.I feel like I have been chained to a weight that has been thrown into the ocean. I have broken free but it is a long swim to the top where there is air,I can see the light way beyond but I am consumed by darkness and fear and running out of air.I am on my first day of “No Contact” again. We broke up 3 months ago in Dec.for the 2nd time and I had always heard about no contact but didn’t really know the importance of it until stumbling across Eddies pages in my despair this weekend…my Ex was actually doing it to me but I figured it was the “silent treatment” that he always did when he got mad at me (he would say “I had to pull a power move to get your attention”.Long story short,I feel like a major love struck idiot. My Ex and I got together New Yrs Eve 2011/New yrs 2012. I moved from Fl to NC with my daughter in August so we wouldn’t have a long distance relationship.The year with him has been pretty painful with learning of his hidden crack binges,uncovering lies and learning of skanks. I love(d) him very much and wanted to stick with him.We broke up at the end of Sept 2012 and got back together in Dec only to break up again 2 wks later. I could write a book on all the lies,deceit,cheating and everything else he has put me through and I still like an idiot wanted him and only him.I know in my head all the crap and the unbelievable hurt he has caused my heart but for some reason I find it hard to let him go.The thing I am REALLY struggling with now is after he visited home to Fl in Jan 2013 he now has hooked up with a mutual high school friend of ours and they are now “dating” since Feb..I just found this out via facebook on fri and had a breakdown and for my own sanity have deleted my acct. I cannot take it and I am consumed with thinking of them together doing things,having fun,kissing and having sex.It has sent me into a deep depression and I can’t seem to get my mind off of the repetitious thoughts of it all. I know he is no good for me,actually very bad and toxic for me.I noticed how my self esteem has taken a plunge after just being with him for this year.He even said he was “doing me a favor” how kind of him right? But yet I am still tormented with these thoughts….Why can’t I let go? When I KNOW he is a coward,a liar,a cheat,a manipulator and an addict.Why do I care who he is with? I need advice of how to not think about them together.I am hoping and praying to God that this No Contact will be as great and powerful as I have read because I just want myself back and to be happy again. I can’t concentrate at work,I don’t want to do anything and I cry just thinking about it,I’m a mess. This No Contact is the hardest because I just want to keep telling him how much he has hurt me,what an asshole user he is and how now I see that he never REALLY cared about me….but what’s the point,I will only look more desperate/needy to him and he doesn’t deserve me anyway…but God it’s sooo hard not to text him!!!
    Thanks to all who have posted previous stories…I have read all these pages and the feedback left,it has been my only comfort going through this hell I’m in.

    • Kim April 2, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

      Hi KR,

      I know exactly what you are going through. Like you, I was one of the “lucky” few…that actually got back with their exes. 3 months after my ex broke up with me; I broke the No Contact Rule and got a different outcome this time. My ex wanted to give it another shot. My world suddenly felt full of color again and I was on cloud 9. I just KNEW that our love was different and stronger than anyone else’s. He suddenly woke up one day and he saw how wonderful I was. I just knew we were going to live happily ever after.

      The “honeymoon” stage lasted only 2 short weeks before I saw this person who I thought was the love of my life, change instantly before my eyes. He did things that he never did during our “first tour” together. He started cancelling dates, hanging up on me if I ever brought up anything he didn’t feel like talking about, constantly accusing me of seeing other people, ignoring me and blowing little things out of proportion…turning things around and making me feel like we weren’t working because of me. Although he kept telling me he loved me and wants to be with me, he never really ‘let me in’. It finally hit me when he started going out of his way to not have me over to his house, only to find out it was because he had a female roommate, and he didn’t tell me because I would get upset. Maybe I am naïve that she is just a friend and he needs someone to help pay rent, the fact that he didn’t tell me was what really made me realize that he had no intention of truly letting me be part of his life. And after all of those red flags, what did I do? I lived off the scraps he was throwing me and begged for more. I did this for 2 months.

      It finally hit me. He didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t matter that he said he did, his actions proved the complete opposite. Always remember this…”We are what we DO”. Words are empty without the action behind them.

      I still am consumed by thoughts of “If only I didn’t say this” or “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, we would still be together”. I feel defeated sometimes. Thinking maybe I really am the one at fault all the time. It’s so hard accepting the fact that he didn’t really want me in his life. Thoughts of him with someone else makes my heart race and I sometimes find it hard to breathe. I am a professional, independent single mother that is smart and strong, but around my ex I had turned into a desperate, pleading, weak woman. I was an addict and he was my drug. I put his needs and wants in front of mine, hoping he would just see how much I sacrificed and loved him. I know it’s hard, but we have leave the past in the past. You are not the only one out there feeling hurt, alone and jaded. All of us here know how you feel. You are not alone. I know it feels like you are merely “existing” but we will get better. We have to believe that.

      Think of a time aside from this when you felt you just couldn’t make it past another day. And look, here you are. Never regret. Never look back. It just wasn’t meant to be and you have to force yourself to have faith and believe that your person is out there for you. It just wasn’t your ex. Simple as that.
      I urge you, follow Eddie’s advice and do not break the No Contact Rule. I got that second chance with my ex and all I have to say is, you better watch what you wish for. It will NEVER be the same. You will regret it and feel even worse.

  12. Lisa Marie April 10, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

    Has anyone had the experience of having someone come in and out of your like for 14 years?? He disappears and each time I get over him, he reappears to pull me back in. I had NC for the last 4 years. Why I let him back and trusted for the holidays, I have no idea??

    There is no future. I know it. I have never met his family or most friends. I feel still so connected to this man who I’ve allowed to use me, break my heart, and toss me away when he feels. He’s so emotionally unavailable.

    I took the lead and painfully broke it off Feb 16 after 3 mos of anxiety, fear, and mistrust. These last 2 mos have hurt so much. I miss him and the years wasted, yet I know there is no future… How could someone that loves me as he says leave me? He always avoids emotional discussions like this.

    I’m so broken and hate myself for allowing this for so long yet I can’t seem to move on no matter how attractive and complimentary people are. My family and friends can’t understand and neither can I. I feel like I am slowly dying…

    Thanks for listening.

    • Elx December 10, 2014 at 8:54 am #

      Hi Lisa,
      I know your post is old but can you tell me how you got through this, I am in the exact situation. Its been one and off for years.

  13. Anna April 12, 2013 at 7:40 am #

    I was with my ex for 6 years, then the following 4 years we spent weaving in and out of eachother’s lives. Each time I think we can have a conversation but it leads to physical reconnection. We’ll go through periods of NC but then one of us breaks it. First time we sortof dated for a few months, then another time it was a month. We hadn’t seen eachother in over a year then two weeks ago reconnected, reconciled and started to date again. Then this morning he tells me he is starting to date someone else. He thought he could date two people at once, since he didn’t want to navigate having feelings for multiple people. This new girl was ok with just dating even though he told her he was dating me, his ex. Of course why would she care, since obviously he couldn’t care for me that much if he is making out with another girl. But he was wrong to think I would be ok, I am not ok with it. The worst part is that it really felt like we had a chance this time. The even worse part is that he said the same thing and said he felt the same way, and was excited for us dating and getting to know eachother again. I never really got over him though, so we have too much history for me to feel casual, and it was foolish to think that I could.
    So this time, I made it clear, that there will be no next time. The main reason that we broke up in the first place is him trying to navigate feelings for more than one person at a time. He didn’t do it well and he left me feeling crazy.

    After a day filled with tears and pain, I can tell you he is not worth it. I feel like I am dying all over again too. I remember life when I didn’t feel this bad and I have to believe that life can be that way again. There is something about my ex that I am addicted to, and with addiction comes the withdrawal, which effing sucks. The worst. There is some part of me that hasn’t really been able to let go. After what I have just experienced I feel like my very survival depends on letting go of this person for good. I am going to try, I have no other choice.

    This has been the most terrible time in my life, but I am hoping that will all this pain, that the next round of emotions will be joyous.
    For now I feel brokenhearted.

    • noirdude January 13, 2014 at 10:51 pm #

      re. love addiction….

      i have had substance abuse problems on and off for years and the withdrawals you go through after too much partaking in drugs or alcohol are identical to the withdrawal from an ex.

      except it’s much much worse. with substances once they leave your system you’re mostly alright but with love addiction there’s a thousand emotional issues that tie into it in addition to all the physical symptoms and the anxiety is much much much worse..

      i’ll take withdrawaling from drugs or alcohol any day of the week.

  14. Carol April 23, 2013 at 4:28 am #

    I am just starting the nc program and have read all the posts. It has been a year since husband of 35 yrs. left the 1st time and 2mo. the 2nd. He is working on himself.? but there is a younger woman always at his place. Tonight was the last straw and it is over. I would like to know how this nc is going to work when we have grandkids functions to attend? He wants to ride together and save $ since it is 2 hrs. away. This is where I just don’t know what to do? We have been civil to each other. I could sure use some advice.

  15. Ellen April 29, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

    This site has helped me a lot. Last week my ex broke up with me for the second time. All he could say was that he loved me and didnt want to lose me, but (theres always a but isnt there?) His ex wife and teenage daughter were making his life a living hell for dating anyone. Didnt seem to matter that his sons loved me and mine loved him. I realized this time around that I dont need someone so wishy washy and that I deserve better. Not that it eases the pain of course. I felt confident that I wouldnt have to worry about him contacting me again so an easy NC it would be. Easy in the way I know I wont instigate contact. However most people seem to think he will, I dont know if im strong enough to ignore him if he does. You all have shown me how imperative it is for me to ignore him if he does. So thank you everyone for helping me gather strength for a situation that might arise. Hopefully I wont have to worry about the “if he does.

  16. leonne July 3, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    He is 19 years older.first break up was because the mother of his kids wanted to try again.i wished him well.i was hurt,thought of him all the time.i was depressed but time healed me.two years later he calls me tells me hw sorry he was.i took him back and we were doing quiet well,or so i thought.he called me this morning to tell me he wanted out because he had met someone else.i am devasted but i love him.i have never loved this i wait for him or do i try and move on?

  17. Rhiannon March 15, 2014 at 3:33 pm #

    I was with my boyfriend long distance for over a year. It was really serious, he told me all the time that he wanted to spend his life with me. We had plans to move to be together.

    Leading up to Christmas, we began bickering and having problems. He broke up with me and we didn’t talk for 2 months. I read every ebook available on recovering relationships. I made positive changes for myself and when he began talking to me again–it seemed genuine and sincere. He loved me, missed me, he thought about me all the time, he made a mistake, we belong together. He said he wanted to come see me. I rented a place outside the city I live in. Everything seemed really nice for 3 days. He said he was happy. A day before we were to leave, he broke up with me again. Said that he didn’t feel like he thought he would and wants me to move on. I’m just so devastated. How could someone change their minds like that? He said he had no intention of coming here and hurting me again, but how could he be so in love and missing me and then take it back?

  18. Cherity March 21, 2014 at 5:21 am #

    Oh boy where to start. I was in an off again on again relationship for 2 1/2 yrs. This is our 5th breakup. Its been over 2 mos and this is the longest we have been apart. He always contacted me within a month of our breakup and I would always give in and take him back cause I love the man to pieces and still do. For the first two weeks of this breakup he was logging into my facebook account about 7 times a day reading all my messages. I was amused at first but got to the point where I couldn’t move on so I sent him a message on day 16 letting him know to stay out of my life that he has caused me enough pain in my life and never contact me.. He responded with the whole I love you still but we cant be together..which I heard 4 times before. After that I did not heard from him nor have I contacted him until yesterday. My phone rang and a number that I didnt recognize called. I answered and the person hung up. I did some digging to find out who it was. Well it was my ex. Up until yesterday I was doing so good and was to the point where I wasnt thinking about him all the time and I could actually say his name without getting angry. Now all these thoughts are coming into my head asking myself why did he call and hang up,..why why why after over 2 mos do this too me. But I refuse to call him back or txt him back. I have learned over the past 2 1/2 yrs that he only wants me back when he gets lonely. I am very proud of myself cause if this was a month ago I would of contacted him back. I am gonna change my number, which I should of done right after the breakup but I was still holding on to him. My head is more clear now, realizing I was just a doormat for him. He took everything I had, money, love, sanity, until I couldnt give anymore and throw me out into the streets with nothing..literally !!! I would be a fool to take him back for the 5th time.

  19. Kam April 30, 2014 at 3:42 pm #

    Does age matter, I’m 52? I reunited with my first boyfriend, the love of my life in my 20s. We share mutual friends, summer houses in the same place and both of us have monitored each other’s lives through friends for years. Last June, after a few glasses of wine, we kissed and it was magical. Our many friends/family were cheering for us. He was telling how he’s always loved me, how special I am and we both were delighted with the fact that 30 years later, we still have chemistry. 6 months later, he breaks up, telling me that this has been happening to him over the years, where he hits a point and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s all his problem. He felt terrible, yada, yada. I was devastated. Backed way off only to have him call me a few weeks later and say, this is all wrong, isn’t it? (Yes, it was wrong — everything was very good). We worked it out and moved forward. Guess what? 6 months later — ta da — he broke up with me yesterday. Same old story. How he’s damaged, can’t maintain relationships (cites his 3 sibs who also can’t commit) … still loves me, considers me his best friend, etc.

    His daughters play some role in this I’m certain. The 18 year old had a war with her mother and arrived at his house and won’t leave. Their mother is remarrying and moving in with her BF next year. Neither girl has any intention of making that move. The eldest who is miserable and constantly starting a war with her parents then basking in the reconciliation (they are both afraid of her — she is cruel in battle) is making certain that when she comes home from college no one has moved into her father’s heart/space. What’s ironic is, that we have no intention of moving in together. I have a high maintenance 10 year old and I’m sticking to my own space.

    So, I told him — I’ve always loved him. I believe in him. I gave him a list of counselors, Told him to do it for himself, his daughters — heck ,even do it for me — “your best friend.” I told him he’s losing DECADES blaming his mother for her distant parenting style. Mulling over nonsense. I also told him to stop being so f’ing self-centered. Focus on other people, give generously, spread some joy ….

    That’s where I am. Two days no contact. Sick to my stomach. Waves of anxiety (hands tingling, chest constricting, teary) and then I remind myself that we’ll be looking at each other in 1.5 months at the lake. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing??? lol

  20. michelle August 31, 2014 at 7:23 am #

    my ex said i was never wroth his time and my bestfriend jenny was wroth all his time and i dont know what he means? i was heart broken what should i tell him im very angery with mixed emotions !

  21. Emmily September 10, 2014 at 3:24 am #


    I recently broke up with my partner of 6 years. It has been the second time I have broke up with him. We broke up in 2011 for 6 months then got back together.

    We moved in together in 2013, everything seemed to be on track. We were saving for a house and talking about marriage. I always felt like something was missing. I ignored these feelings and got on with life and our relationship.

    4 months ago the feelings of doubt and being out of love with him became stronger, these feelings often consumed my thoughts and I became very distance. I was tired of organizing him, doing most things for him and being just bored as I am very out going, ambitious, positive and adventurous and he is not.

    He is a kind person who would do anything for me but I wanted someone that would challenge me and keep me on my toes for the rest of my life. Long story short we broke up. It was horrific he was devastated and moving out of our house and splitting our savings was the hardest thing I have had to do.

    We kept in contact, meeting up but I decided this was not helpful so cut all communication. He did not respect this and would message me a lot still saying he loves me, misses me etc. this did not bother me and I started feeling normal even happy again.

    I don’t understand though, now I have gone back to how I first felt miserable, lost and wondering if I have made a mistake… Again!!! I am so angry at myself because this isn’t fair on him and keep going through the what ifs? Have I been stupid? Have I made a mistake? Or is it time to move on for once and for all? I am so depressed and at a lost to what I should do? Please help.

  22. dust November 22, 2014 at 7:22 am #

    sorry for my grammar* But if anyone can give me a heads up… my girlfriend broke up with me twice the first was through text *we dated for 1yr and half* anyways so I was heart broking I texted her I felt ect ect.. she called me said she missed me and well we met up got back together then she told me that she hanged out with her ex 1 week after our break up, note she said she didn’t do anything with him just hanged out. That hurt idk why but it anyways so 3 months later I felt something odd about her I asked and she said didn’t feel in love with me anymore so I broke it off. 1 month later she called me and we hanged out and now we are a thing we hang out and stuff. Well once again she told me she hanged out with her ex yet again and this time they did some stuff.. so now I’m kinda doubtful about this. I don’t want to get my heart broken again but I do love her what should I do? again sorry for my grammar

  23. LAIBA November 25, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

    a guy liked me but he was to shy too say anything.he asked his friend to tellme that he love me. I said yes but that friend of him say something bad from his side that I slapped that guy.then again he offered me we were together for a time then he broke off.then again we got together and now he again broke off? his friend told me that he is in love with someone else but I don’t believe. what should I do?

  24. Genie January 27, 2015 at 7:40 pm #

    This is going to be a long one, sorry. Okay so I just didn’t give my ex a second chance I gave him a third one and after a year he did it again, I guess I really should’ve learn from all the other times. I’m actually doing better than I did the first two times, I always went with no contact even if it killed me “pride” had a lot to do with it. You see in 2011 i met him on a dating website he approach me,at first i wasn’t very much interested in him, but still gave it a try. How i wish i never did now. We had and 1 1/2 distance and he was at the time going through a divorce big red flag but I still tried. Six months into the relationship I notice he was acting distant, I asked what was going on he said everything was fine. But I knew it wasn’t, women intuition/gut feeling. So the text messages become less and less until he text me one day telling the only girl he needed in his life was his daughter. I was hurt and confused, 3 weeks after no contact he text me telling me he was sorry for what he did but that he was going through some family issues that he didn’t want to involve he processed to tell me his family was involved in some mess but didn’t want to really share with me. I gave him another chance, 3 months after that he went MIA on me. When he finally got in touch with me he told me not to contact him. Boy was i hurt again he did it. I went with no contact for almost 8 months. Finally one day I decided to email him telling him that I had forgiven him and that i hope he and his family were well. He ended up emailing me back a month later telling me his divorce was final and that his daughter was doing well but that unfortunately his family had a davestating news that his mom was practicing black magic voodoo on all her kids which made them all have bad dreams and some other crazy things, basically she had control of them and he didn’t want her hurting me so he pushed me away for this reason. Now you see he comes from Haiti and I was born in the Dominican Republic so stuff like that happens a lot in our country’s. So almost 2 years when by with no contact after that and one day he tried adding me on Facebook. I didn’t accept the request, few months after that he send me a message on Facebook and told me how he was so stupid for letting me go and what and amazing woman I was and he was looking through my pictures and was interested in trying to be with me if i was still available and willing.
    I thought about for a few days and finally I responded. I did say he was out of his mind but that it was nice knowing he still had care, and so we started talking again. I went to visit him and we talked for a while on the things that had happened of course he was trying to avoid the conversation. Anyway we tried and he started coming over my daughters were hesitate about it at first but they went with it. I was having surgery a month after,he was there for me through it all this time he even met my mom. My friend’s allowed him back with open arms. Things were looking good for a while. He was dealing with his demands and bad dreams but I remember praying with him and sending him scriptures. We were good until something happened I notice a change in him again, I brought it to his attention and he said he was fine,I know he wasn’t. Now I’m not doing well because I felt it was coming. He stop texting as much or even calling me. We used to visit every weekend he either came to me or I went to him. He lived with his brother and niece. The daughter will come with him at times. I have a grandson that loved him and he loved him. Anyway I asked him what was his issue now, he told me he was tired of having one way conversation on the phone. And that I knew he hated even talking on the phone. So I respected it and we didn’t talk as much or even text. So one day I freaked out and told him he had no emotions and that he was hurting me with his distance. He told me if i felt this way why be with him i told him because I loved him. His response to me was, your love is more like a chock hold that God forbid if he was doing something he enjoys like watching football or something. He also said he was starting to get tired of my mood swings and he was starting to question us. Wow! I didn’t know where all this anger was coming from but we got through it I thought. Things were pretty much never the same after that. So i will text him a scripture in the morning as we usually did and he would send me one back and that was it no calls. So again I asked him what was up. He told me he was stressed out from a moving that is happening in march, I thought it was a good reason so I told him that i understood. Now it was me sending the text in the morning and him replying many hours later with a very short answer. Finally he told me he was emotionally involved in pending issues that made him isolate himself from everyone else since he had to work a second job to pay first,and last rent plus security deposit. And that the only time he could do this was when his daughter was with her mom so basically the weekend we used to see each other. So he wanted me to be patient and understanding. I agreed to be. In the meantime he wasn’t calling me and I wasn’t calling him either. He came over one last time with his daughter and we didn’t even have sex. I asked why since it was very unusual for that happened. He told me if i wanted to do it i should’ve try to do it that he didn’t have to be the one to always ask. I was left wondering if that would be the last time I would see him. He text me telling thanks for a wonderful weekend like he normally did. I didn’t hear from him all day after that or the next day. Finally I send him a text asking him why i was feeling like i was paying the consequences of a move that i had nothing to do with. I told him i understood him. But why the no communication?. And the text came through and my heart was raining in fear to read it. He told me this. I’m so sorry that i had failed you for the third time again. But i can’t sustain the “love” that i had for you and us, so therefore I am no longer seeking a committed relationship. And that he just wanted me to know that. Is he serious,that is what i told him. I told him how can he not even face me instead he does this over a text message and that he was sick. He told me he didn’t plan on hurting me and that he wasn’t sick that he considered himself someone that gets bored with certain people. I was devestated. He did it again, i told him how much I hated myself for allowing him back into my families life mostly my grandson who constantly ask for him. He told me he was sorry and that he wanted to continue seeing my grandson if we allow him to. I told him he was sick and that he would never see him again. He then proceeded to tell me that they are forces against us that I will never understand and that i deserve a lot better. And to not shed one tear on him. And that was it. I’m dealing with it much better than before. But I am up and down with my feelings.
    Please give me some feed back, I am feeling hopeless again.

  25. Wes March 18, 2015 at 7:32 am #

    You know what, you’re totally right about your SO baking again. Mine did. She broke up with me twice and then again a third time when she net someone else.
    I often doubted her love, would ask about it and she would tell me she loved me and to trust her… Yeah right! 10.5 years and two kids and she walked out so easily.
    Great site by the way!!

  26. Wes March 18, 2015 at 7:32 am #

    Meant bailing again

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