Break Up and Divorce Why You Must Un-Love Your Ex

Why You Must Un-Love Your Ex

“It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.”

Everybody who has ever experienced a relationship break-up knows the pain that lies beneath this sentence. I certainly understand it very well.

I think that it describes one of the most difficult things in life – letting go of someone whom you still love so dearly.

It's the classic struggle between heart and mind.

The heart has no other knowledge beyond what it feels. And in feeling, it is absolute.

The mind is rational, it takes into account many things – our experiences, our intellect, our knowledge about past and future. It usually claims to know better.

When it comes to break-ups, however, we really have a hard time deciding to whom we want to listen.

Even WHEN we know better, it's the heart that usually wins.

How is it that we trust the heart more than the mind when the person we love has left us?

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

The answer is obvious. We are overrun by emotions. Emotions we cannot control for the time being.

So, unfortunately, we do what our heart commands. We don't allow anything to come between ourselves and the love we feel. Not a person, not advice, not a thought.

We listen to the heart and want to experience this love.

But what happens when love towards a person is not reciprocated? Does it thrive, does it die?

The answer again is obvious – it's a huge waste of time and energy.

So the question is, why would we waste time and energy on someone who doesn't love us back when there are thousands and thousands out there who might be a much better fit for us than our Ex ever was? (I can feel your resistance, but trust me here, ok?)

The answer is not so obvious.

Maybe because we have difficulties with change, perhaps because we are sentimental … but most of all, probably because we are sensitive human beings.

So it's understandable that we listen to the heart.

But is it acceptable that we suffer?

I believe that we have a right to fulfillment and happiness and that our actions should align with this right.

Keeping that in mind, we don't really have a choice. There is only one way to go.

We MUST “un-love” our Ex.

We MUST let them go, and start the recovery process.

If you feel resistance in your yourself while reading this, just ask yourself, “what is the alternative”?

Is it years of romantic suffering and longing for the one person in the whole wide world that is the only fit for us?

Let me tell you, my dear friends, life has taught me otherwise.

I learned that it is so simple, (and so difficult), to start. Write the No-Contact Letter to your Ex, and cut off contact completely.

After that, you throw yourself into the roller-coaster ride of the recovery phases.

It's not quite the easy way out, but it's the right thing to do.

“If someone wants to leave you, let them go!”

You must “un-love” them to open the way to a new future.

A future with someone who deserves you and who appreciates the person you are.

Always tell yourself, when in doubt, what to do – if someone wants to leave you, let them go.

If they decide that they don't want to be with you, then let them go, (you cannot stop them anyway).

I know that it's hard and feels wrong to ignore the heart. But in this case, you just should.

Your rational mind is your friend right now.

Start to “un-love” your Ex now, and you will reach a point soon when heart and mind are in sync.

I promise.

Until then, have patience and faith in your recovery.

Please tell me what you think in the comments below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • dear Eddie, what bothers me, now my mind is learning to get my heart somewhat insinc and i cry for me, not him and I am not so helpless, is that I am scared: I had a marriage iof 13 years, I cheated, not good, but I did not know how to stop the arguments, the verbal and emotional abuse :'( now the man I cheated with, my former ex of 15 years ago left me, because of his autism he cannot commit to a relationship. u am in shock and the thought that is highly presnt is: will I ever find a love that stays?? :'(:'(

  • its a wonderful article ….Thanx Eddie.its been 1 year he dumped me …hurt me…ya it hurts….still i cry whenever he comes to my mind……….. but i let him go as he wanted to leave me…still i feel for him but i don’t contact with him never try….i told myself i have to.let him go….he is never gonna back for me……i have to love myself…..i give thousands of thanx to Eddie ..i followed his each advice given in his article and it really worked for me

  • Thank you Eddie for another on-time article…whenever I feel desperate and depressed I feel relieved once reading your articles and their related comments…knowing that what I’m going through after my break up is normal…sometimes I wish I never went through this relationship…but things happen for a reason I guess…I need to stop loving my ex.

    • Thank you Suzan, I’m glad I could help.

      Take it one step at a time and never lose sight of the goal: to become emotionally independent!

      Hang in there!

  • Arun Kumar says:

    So True Eddie,

    Heart and mind should be in sync then only true healing starts.
    At the initial time of break-up, when I read about NC Rule on this site, I didn’t approve of it. I thought it is love and love has the power to break all the barriers and by showing how much I love my ex, I could get her back. But I was so wrong. Only No-contact got me comfort and peace after that. Whenever I tried to contact her, what I got was sadness and a broken heart again. But now I am happy and truly want to get over her and this thinking is helping.

    Thanks Eddie for helping all of us her.

    • Thank you Arun, I am so proud of you! Look at how far you’ve come since you posted here for the first time!

  • Elinor Kelly says:

    I don’t know I have tried I think about him every day . Can’t move in can’t stop . I hate him . Wish him nothing but bad luck which is wrong .

    • Anger is good at the beginning, it gives you strength… but later you will realize that forgiving will give you even more strength.

      But, one step at a time!

      Hang in there!

  • Few years back in 2012 I was madly inlove with a person who said she loved me ,the relationship was at its best the first 8 months ,after that everything came crashing down and this situation continued for 2 years .

    I lost myself loving someone who didn’t love me back ,I lost the connection to my soul and the world as a whole.

    I felt like an ’empty thing’ ,a year and a half passed by on and off, taken for granted as I thought to myself maybe things would get better.

    Now after two years I am picking up the broken pieces ,and yes things do get better after a breakup ,a heart mends ,my ex pops on my mind randomly but i have no feelings after all the pain .

    I have finally moved on with the help of my friend ,my family ,my dogs,and myself I have finally realized that we should never give a second chance for someone who broke our heart.

    since the break up I suffered severe depression and gained 10 kilos,out of shape,today I’m on track, I am positive ,and I am making up for all the time wasted.

    So please If you have a broken heart ,do not waste your precious time wishing things could get better ,people who leave you don’t deserve to be in your heart anymore .

    Cheers,
    lulu

      • Thank you Eddie ! The power of moving on started here, reading your advice .
        you are the best .

  • Eddie,
    you always surface when I need you the most. It’s been almost year since he abandoned me and I still have to twinges of “maybe things will change!” NOT! Recently I had to make contact for taxes because we are still married. I am proud to say I did good! He is still cold and distance. The good news is I now realize I am getting better. It didn’t hurt at all. Thank you Eddie for your insight and timely advice. You will get there everyone….I am not 100% but I now realize I deserve good things and I am ready to let go! Finally!

    • way to go Sue I am right there with you! I watched him snow plow my driveway and felt ambivalent..no contact is the best and only way to go. ..

    • That is my special talent ;).

      I am happy to hear that you did good when meeting him… sometimes contact can do good to your recovery IF you are prepared.

      Thanks for sharing!

  • This is in response to Sandra’s question. It’s been a year since my ex broke up with me and I do still think about him. Some people may be able to get over their exes in a couple of months and for others, it takes longer. I followed Eddie’s advice with the 60 days of no contact, thinking I would be so much better at the end of it. I felt a bit better but I was still yearning for my ex.

    The truth is that there’s really no particular time frame you can expect to get over your ex. Some people never do, but I think you’re going in the right direction by working on yourself. One of the things that really helped me was finding something (not someone) I loved just as much as my ex, which was improv acting. Finding a hobby or interest that you can get really involved in will help because it’s something you’ll always be able to fall back on. People come and go but things like that can stay with you the rest of your life. In addition, I met a lot of great people by pursuing my passion, including a wonderful guy I dated for a bit.

    As far as finding guys, it really helped me to loosen up in the kind of guys I was willing to date. I really thought of my ex the physical embodiment of my ideal man, so I recognized it was going to be hard to find someone just like him. I started dating this guy who I wasn’t that into but I enjoyed spending time with him and I didn’t expect what we were doing to go anywhere. Now it’s been almost a year of us “casually dating” and I’m really happy with him. I definitely don’t condone going out with just anyone but do consider widening your horizons. Try to find the attractive. You also say that nobody finds you attractive, but why? Has everyone actually told you that personally or is it more of a self-esteem thing? What can you do to change that? Personally I exercised more by going to the gym, getting into dance and kickboxing. Aside from the superficial changes, I just felt generally stronger and more energetic, which boosted my self-image.

    Sorry for the long response. I just thought it was important for me to pass this along since the site really helped me out when things were rough.

    • Thanks a lot Kim for taking the time and writing such a detailed answer, I appreciate it a lot.
      In my mind I know and believe all the things you write, but not (yet) in my heart. I think I just have to be more patient. I stress myself out through telling me: It’s been almost 8 months since the break up now, he has moved on and so should you!
      The ‘nobody finds me attractive’ thought might well be just a question of self-esteem. I am quite tall for a woman and often think that guys don’t find this attractive, sometimes I even bend my knees when I stand somewhere, just to appear a little smaller. Yes, I guess I still have a lot of work to do regarding my own self worth… I am also quite a shy person finding it hard to meet new people, that’s why I think I will never meet the right guy for me. I know that my ex and I have been so wrong for each other, he almost destroyed me. I guess it just takes time to get over something like that.
      You are also right with what you write regarding a hobby you love. I found this in gardening. I really enjoy being outside and I even enrolled for a gardening course which has started a few weeks ago. I just love it 🙂
      Well, I hope that one day I will be able to believe again that I deserve a respectful, caring relationship. And to be able to love myself just as much as I love others.
      All the best for you.

  • Hey Eddie, again thank you so much for your dead on wisdom in the area of break up recovery
    You’ve described exactly the place I am in 15 months after my husband left me.
    I have practiced the no contact rule for a very long time and it definitely helps. I cannot imagine getting to where I have without the no contact rule.
    I still struggle however with what you mentioned. My heart and my head. You are exactly right when you say it is hard and confusing. My ex has moved on with a new girlfriend for over year and has had little or no contact with me since he walked out on me. I find excepting my new reality is a slow process. I especially miss my husband when I go to sleep at night and in places where we have been together. I believe I am wrapped up more in what I had hoped and believed our relationship was then what it really turned out to be. I was married to a person who really did not love me or have the willingness or courage to work on our marriage and try to save it.
    But Eddie is right. I must force myself to remember how far removed he is from me and force myself not to put any more energy into the relationship. I think I do a good job but sometimes I fall back and get very sad and depressed about everything.

    If it helps anyone I would like to add that SI nce the breakup I have kept very busy and social , Have made an effort to reinvent myself and changed my entire appearance including the way I dress (lovelier!, and focus on the love around me. This includes my animals which I adore, my friends and hobbies and being available emotionally for my two teenage daughters. I lean on my church and my faith in a God which has gotten me through my darkest times. You are all in my thoughts. Hang in there ..this too shall pass Liza

  • It is hard to let go, that is for sure. When the person you love asks you to do something that doesn’t align with your beliefs, the choice is clear. I really thought my ex had changed but deep down in her core she was still the same ruthless person I knew. Shame on me for letting her in the second time but with this website and the minimalist teachings I have learned, I know I will make it.

    • I know what you mean… but every mistake brings us closer to success.

      Hang in there!

  • When you break up, it’s so hard, but the thing you still love is your own image of your ex, the feeling of loving someone and someone loving you back is the greatest feeling in the world…so how can you start to unlove that person?

    Well, you should know that you’re still in love with that image in your head and not with that person anymore, you’re in love with a dream, so ask yourself if it’s fair to yourself to hold on to an ex which is nothing more than an imagination?

    No, the person you loved don’t exist anymore, he or she changed to someone you certainly did not fell in love with, unloving this person should not be hard if you realise this

    • You can start by kicking your Ex from the pedestal you’ve created for them. Realize that they weren’t so perfect at all and realize that the image you have in your head is NOT them.

  • It’s easy to say that we need to let go of those our hearts are still linked to. I’ve been trying for 4 years and still hand not been able to successfully “let go”. For those of us who don’t know how to do that…a little advise would be helpful.

    • Tamy, 4 years is way too long. Try to find the reason behind your inability to move on.

      I had many clients who had the problem that they started to identify with the pain. So letting it go was like letting part of yourself go. It hadn’t really much to do with their Ex, but with the system they had created to cope with the situation.

      You have to re-wire your thinking to get out of this trap.

      Hang in there!

      • It has been 4 years for me too. Even though I am with someone else now,I still dream about my ex and we are together. When I wake up I feel devastated. Why does your own brain do this to you?

        • I have often wondered this myself Dave, I think of my ex a lot and it has been a year and a half and I know that he is newly married now too. In my crazy brain I sometimes wish he would leave that woman and come back for me even though I know that would be the biggest mistake in the world. I really just want to push him out of my brain and not dream anymore about him too does anyone have suggestions for Dave and I??

          • Thank you for your reply Stacey. It has helped knowing that I am not alone in having these dreams! I was also in the same position as you, hoping she would come back as she had done in the past. I now realise there was no way I could compete with her ex as they have a child together. When she told me her skin crawled every time he touched her I believed her and thought she would come back to me. Instead she went back to him and they had another child together.
            I hope in time we can both dream of better things, good luck to you Stacey.

        • I know what you mean…. I was with my 1st kids mom for 8 years then she cheated on me then a moved on easily but with my 2nd kids mom i was with her for 9 years and she just told me that she was tired of the arguing all the time that she didn’t want to be with me no more and that broke my heart! I too have another woman in my life but i tend to always think about my 2nd kids mom, can’t help but want her back even though i know she don’t love me cuz how would you turn your back on your partner if you love them?! I too wake up next to another woman saying to myself “Damn, she aint her”

          • This is crazy talk!!! but i still want to be with her…. SMH cuz i know i shouldn’t want someone who rejected me…… Why do we still want these horrible people? They can care less but we still care more…. How is this happening? Is this wht they say love is blind?!

  • Eddie,,,,wise words and advice.This is a very healthy way to start the recovery process.Thanks for the uplifting,mate!

  • I feel like I can’t stop thinking about her for more then 10 seconds in the day. I feel like I’m totally lost. Don’t care about anything other then her and feel sick over her. I’m so miserable without her that idk what to do

  • Thanks a lot for another enlighting and helpful article Eddie. Just one question: I am in month 7 of post break-up and still feel really bad, thinking about my ex on a daily basis. I am trying to let go, really, but it just doesn’t seem to work. I know that I have to be patient and that it takes time, but is this still normal? I want to move forward and am really scared that I will never be able to really let go and never meet the right person for me. I have shut myself off completely, even if I go out with friends, nobody interests me, and worse, nobody finds me attractive, never really did. I am working on myself, but it is soooo hard to stay strong and positive all the time!

    • Hi Sandra, I know what you mean. But I assure you, this is very normal for going through the “emotional roller-coaster”-phase.

      You should concentrate more on yourself and don’t think about dating yet. It’s obviously too early for you.

      Do some re-connection work to re-discover your true self, after that the “letting go” will be much easier.

      Hang in there!

  • Hard, difficult….I loved him 24 years ago, he broke up with me twice then….( one year on, half a year off, one year on, then off…) I met my husband, 13years and two kids, difficult years, I met up with my ex…..I divorced, started a relation with my ex and behold: he broke up again with me :'(

    Letting him go is so hard, I felt it was ment to be, starting again, he told me he wanted to marry me, live together, he now says I should not take those words too serious 🙁 :'( he was in love then and now wants no commitment. He is autistic, I known he knows, I know he tried, but no succes :'( I feel I will never lovesomeone else, I only loved two men, now I am 39 with two kids :'( I feel hopeless….

    • Not 24 years ago!! 14 years!!! I was 24 and he 32.

    • I am sorry to hear that Veronica… please don’t give in into this hopelessness, you WILL see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  • My heart is ripped open. it is battered n bleeding.he left me after 2 years n me being 1 mon preg now.

    • This post really brought me to tears….I can feel your pain through each word. I don’t know who you are, but I will pray for you. If he left you after one month pregnant, then he is deff NOT worth your time. I am going through hardships myself Debra, my boyfriend of 2 years as well dumped to too out of the blue, and that pain is the worse. Buy my heart goes out to you, even though our stories are a little different we are in this together, DON’T GIVE UP Debra you can get through this! I will be cheering you on!

    • Debra, I know it feels like everything is spiraling downhill, but it WILL get better. Life moves on and you will find someone that you love and who loves you even more. Someone who would do that to you isn’t worthy of you. You will heal. I promise. Just take it day by day, moment by moment 🙂

  • Hi All,

    I promised myself that when I finally moved on and let go of my ex I would come back here and write all about it. When I made this promise I was sure that it would never happen. How wrong I was I followed all the steps. Stopped focusing on trying to find someone new to replace my ex and rather focused on myself, I was gentle with myself and really learned some valuable lessons about the relationship with the most important person in my life. My self. So I’m just here to wish you all well and let you know that the pain you feel will pass. In white light and love.

    • Thank you Roxy so much for keeping your promise.

      It is really remarkable how perspectives change with time. I was also sure back then that I would NEVER get back on track… but I did, in a way I would never have dreamed of.

    • Johnny Walker says:

      To Roxy;
      Question:
      Did you leave your ex or he/she walked out of your life?

  • Hi Eddie,

    I’m so happy to read your new post.

    Indeed it is true, if he does not want me to be part of his life, let him go.

    That’s what I’ve done when husband of 14 years left me. Although, to be fair i tried to save the marriage, but when i finally realized he was not the same person I married, I let him go.

    Although, honestly i still have sporadic sense of loneliness and pain.

    again, many thanks for your wonderful blog

    • Thanks Misty for your kind words.

      I think that the process of trying to save the marriage right after the breakup is important for the recovery later.

      Hang in there!

  • Williette says:

    Eddie,
    You are right un-love your ex. I know I do not love him anymore. He never loved me. I am beginning to love myslef again. I think of my needs and what I want and desire. So yes let’s Un love or ex’s once and for all. Thank you Eddie, you always have the words we need to hear at the right time.

      • Thank you Eddie for your wonderful blog. I have struggled with my break-up with my ex for 16 years. I started reading your blog about 6 months ago and I feel so much better about myself, I love myself much more, and I think of my ex about 90% less. Thank you for all that you do for the broken hearts. God Bless.

      • I’m still trying to unlove my ex but what if I still have these unanswered questions on my mind.I feel like I deserve an answer or explanation or just an apology.

  • >