Break Up and Divorce Getting Over A Break Up – The Final Chapter

Getting Over A Break Up – The Final Chapter

Getting Over A Break Up - The Final Chapter

In my work with people who go through a break-up or divorce, there is one question which is almost always asked first.

How long will it take to get over it? Or how long will the pain last?

Even I asked this question many years ago.

I waited one and a half years for that answer to come.

It wasn’t until then that I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.

I know how it feels.

Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again.

I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn't allow you to acknowledge:

You will be happy again.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.

I've been there.

You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then will you have the right mindset to grow from it.

I know that it is tough to get into that state, and it may take you some time. But when you understand, the healing will begin.

Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do.

They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away.

They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn't this understandable?

Don't try to get your Ex back

Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually, everything will fall apart again with much harder intensity.

Because the problem is buried deep inside, and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.

Why do many people betray themselves from the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience?

The answer is, of course, because it costs them too much.

It's too expensive, too damn hard and it is just too alluring to take the easy way.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare's Hamlet

So, what is the final chapter of getting over a breakup?

When you heal from a relationship break up, you have to go through the following seven phases:

  1. Shock: Realizing what really happened
  2. Denial: You won't accept the breakup
  3. Madness: You try everything to get things back to “normal”
  4. Emotional Roller Coaster: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
  5. Acceptance: You accept that your partner is gone, and he/she won't come back
  6. Conscious Disengagement: You consciously let them go
  7. Moving On Phase: You move on and open up to other people

Everyone has to go through these steps.

The two secrets on how to get over a break up give only some additional help.

There is no healing without going through these steps.

The last chapter of the healing process, therefore, appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship.

But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.

One of the greatest problems you must deal with before you can really open up to other relationships is your attitude towards your Ex.

It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects of your former relationship, while completely dismissing the negative ones.

You have put your Ex on a pedestal

This can cause a whole lot of damage in your upcoming new life.

What you have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.

To do so, you have to face him/her again.

I know this is a big one, but it is very necessary.

This is the only way to set the image right again, and only when you pass this last test, will you know that you are over him/her.

This is the last chapter in getting over a breakup.

(MORE: How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step)

I am well aware that this is difficult, and to a certain degree, a risk.

If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.

The final test

Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.

How long will it take for you to reach this level?

It depends on your ability to accept and let go.

I've seen it happen after six months, then again it may take up to three years.

The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.

But please, don't look at this in terms of time.

It takes as long as it takes for you to heal into a new person. It's a path you consciously have to choose.

I'm here to help you along this path.

All the best,
Eddie Corbano

  • I have read these stories & i’m amazed how much i can relate to these people…my ex & i decided to break up after almost 6 yrs together…i felt like he wasn’t making time for me…all he wanted to do was party & hang out w/him friends…i’ve been coping w/this better than i thought i would…i’m still in the healing process but there’s not a day that i don’t think about it…maybe we could of talked and worked things out…he just left me with empty promises…i’m here to talk to people to talk about our stories maybe someone can give me advice or i can listen to your story…we’re all here for similar reasons

  • Hi eddie, I have just broken up with my boyfriend of six years and I have never felt this kindo pain before!I broke it off because he wasn’t giving me the respect and the attention i felt I deserved.We are still in contact and he is still a good friend and although I acknowledge that I can find someone else to love my secret desire is for us to realize where we went wrong and maybe start over again and I know he wants the same thing too. Do you think it’s possible or am I setting myself up for another painful heartbreak?

    • @natasha

      If you get back together you will face the same problems you’ve had before.

      If you think that something has changed and that you now can work on these problems together, than yes, it’s possible.

      But to be honest, once you broke up, the relationship will rarely be the same again.

  • Hello.
    I have just been through the most painfull thing in my life., Me and what i thought to be soul mate ended it. She has been through so much with her sister dieing of cancer @ the age of 27. We meet and fell in love right away. But mabe it was during the worst time of her life & was there for her but in the end destroyed myself lost my employment and over this tryed to remove myself from this earth. I fell into a trap and she sucked all my emotion and love away. Im barely able to function and even leave my apartment. Things are so bad and Im going down more and more every day. I sit here and have nightmares of her and the times we have had. Why has this happened to me and why did I let her take me down and use me up. I loved her so very much but now my bank account is empty and pretty much in 5 days homeless she just laughs and says such a waste while she has everything inculding my soul & heart & lives on a free meal ticket from another man. All i wanted was to have a life with someone that loved me and i could trust but instead used my feelings and most trusted intimate words and ripped them up and twisted everything to hurt me. How can I ever find my way from this mess and get myself out of this pit and ever move on.

    • @Andrew

      My heart goes out to you.

      Sometimes we have to go through the worst in order to be happy.

      I know it’s hard, but your pain will go away eventually and IF you work on yourself, you will profit from this excruciating experience.

      Hang in there!

  • I have to say that I was starting to give up until I came upon this site. My boyfriend and I were together for 3+ years before we ended it less than a week ago. I know that I’m better off and that our lives were not on the same track but I can’t help putting him up on a pedestal and thinking about all of the good things that we had going in our relationship. I guess I’m dealing with the break-up sort of opposite of what’s normal. I keep thinking of how good things were and I’m not angry at him, I just miss him terribly. For the past couple days I haven’t eaten much and have had horrible stomach pains but after reading articles on this site, my stomach pains have lightened up. It’s made me realize that maybe this is for the best after all. Our relationship wasn’t exactly perfect; we fought all of the time, we weren’t happy together but we loved (and still love) each other and thought that things would fall into place. I think this is a step in the right direction for me.

    I can’t thank you enough for the articles on this site. I intend to visit often to remind myself that this is the right choice and I will grow from this.

    Thank you, Meghan

  • Before you both make your decision you have to keep in mind one important thing:

    It is one thing to dream about the perfect relationship and to long for the good times you both had together.

    But it’s another thing to be again confronted with everyday life and the realization that it was better only to dream about it.

    What I want to say is, you obviously love each other still, that’s great, but you may be confronted with the problems you once had again, so it’s better to talk about it upfront and to be prepared.

    It definitely takes a lot of courage to take this road.

    I wish you all the best in the world.

    Eddie

  • I’ve been seperated for almost three years. Both of us jumped into another relationship right after (not a good idea). Both tried to hide the pain. We were high school sweethearts and married for almost 7 yrs before we split. We split because of selfish reasons and never really tried to work on it….both just gave up. We have one son and he is still heartbroken. We recently just had a long conversation of how we both think of eachother all the time still, dream of eachother and wish for our family to be with eacother again and how we never stopped loving eachother. We are still in other relationships and obviously care about our new persons but agree its not the same as him and I were and still are. We know it will never be the same as him and I and how we both agree its not fair to our new spouses that we are not over eachother. So here we are. its been almost three years. We never had time to ourselves after the break up and tried to hide our feelings with other people. This is a hard situation because now two other people are dragged into this drama. Now we are both taking our time to think about if we should give ‘us’ another try. I am so lost and confused. I love him and want to be a family again but scared ‘we’ wont work out but honestly know he is still the ONE for me.
    Any advise and/or clarification would be appreciated. Thank you, Bon

  • You are not alone.

    Your story happens every day throughout the world. But I don’t know if this is comfort…

    You alone have to make the decision IF you want to forgive or IF you want to move on. But from your writing, I would suggest that you first find you own path (do the things you described you’ve always wanted to do).

    You will then gain a different perspective, which will help you to make the right decision.

    He will wait, if he’s the right one…

    Eddie

  • About 8 months ago, my fiance left me (two weeks before the wedding) after being engaged for 2 years and together for 4. It was extremely painful and left me in complete shock. There was truly no warning (aside from the typical pre-wedding jitters) and I did not even know he left (we were about 2 hours apart). We bought our wedding rings and excitedly paid the deposit on our apartment on Sunday, he goes back home on Monday, and I find out on Wednesday that he actually left me and was about 1000 miles away. Complete and utter shock. He calls me that morning and says that he did not love me anymore and didn’t want to marry me. I told him that would be fine, but I would appreciate his help in clearing up the mess (wedding presents, alerting the 200 guests who were attending the destination wedding). He told me he did not care and would not help and did not even care about the pain I was going through. After picking up the pieces, and thankfully I had a wonderful and supportive, though also hurt and shocked, family, I decided to move on and go back to school for a second degree I had always wanted. About a month after the break-up, he decides that he wants back in my life and realizes his mistake and his loss. He has apologized and has tried very hard to fix the relationship. Trust, of course, is a huge problem for me, and I am going through all of these stages mentioned (I feel that I am currently in the independent stage because I am going back to school and thinking of things I always wanted to do before, like travel). I guess my problem is trying to figure out what I truly want. I am unsure if people can work through a break-up like this or if it is even healthy to do so. I understand that he loves me and people may think me naive, but I can assure you of his love. We were the “perfect couple” who were very much in love. He explained that he felt pressured by his family and could not deal with it. He actually went through the stages (how to know if your boyfriend is about to break up with you) and I see it now, especially his lack of communication and lies. He says that he wants what is best for me and supports any decision I make regarding us. I feel as though I am still grieving for what was lost. I wonder if I will ever be that excited and innocent again and it pains me to see my friends get what I did not. I understand that it was not what God had planned for me but how do I decide if I should move on when I still love my ex-fiance so much? I have so much confusion and would really appreciate any advice or people going through similar situations (I need to know I’m not alone).

    -Laura

    • I just came across this post. THANK YOU, Laura, for sharing your story. Six months ago, my fiance and I went from talking about wedding plans and baby names to him telling me TWO DAYS later that he "decided" he didn't love me and would never love me. Six months now. I went through the process and did the tough work–pulled myself together and moved on. I thought I was completely over him. Today I discovered he's seeing someone new, and I feel as though I'm back to square one, like we just broke up. (It doesn't help matters any that she's 10 years younger than me and very pretty.) I'm so confused and scared I'll never truly be over him. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

  • Thank you! It helps me knowing I’m not the only person who has become depressed by a break up. Amazingly, none of my friends have ever truly had their heart broken, so all of them don’t understand why I’m down. Your article is helping move on from my 3+ year relationship with my boyfriend. We were truly each other’s best friend, we decided on getting married, picked kids’ names, go to the same college, live in the same apartment building, and have the same friends. I thought everything in our relationship was perfect until a couple weeks ago while I was on vacation I got an email saying he didn’t feel in love with me anymore. Clearly, I was in shock and became very angry and depressed. I blamed it on myself, put my ex on a pedestal, and told myself we were getting back together. Now that I look back, I realize how terribly he treated me emotionally the last months of our relationship and how I put up with it because I loved him. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me? Still, he is very mature about everything, didn’t want to hurt me and knew by staying with me he’d hurt me more, and he really wants me to be happy, so it’s hard to hate him. Now that I’ve accepted things, stopped all contact with him and stopped crying, I find myself thinking about him all the time. I think forgetting him is the hardest part. I want to get over him this summer, so by the time Fall semester starts again so I won’t be upset when I see him with girls at our apartment building when school starts. Even the thought of seeing him with someone else has caused me to vomit. How do I deal with seeing him moving on if I have not completely moved on?

  • 2 weeks ago I was devastated by my girlfriend leaving me after 6 amazing years. She was the best thing that ever happened in my life. We had all these future plans and goals. I thought we’d be together to the end and that we could work through any problems if there were any . I tried calling her one night with no answer. The next day she sent me an email while I was at work saying she only wishes to remain friends and wished me good fortune in the future. To say I was completely shell shocked and devastated doesn’t even come close. When I called her later in the day she said “I should move on with my life”….in such a cold way….like she was giving a traffic report.
    I’m still dealing with the unbearable pain, wretched grief, confusion and in a state of shock.

    Note to Ron: We both have a fairly similar situation. I’m 45. If you don’t mind, I’d like to contact you about what we are going through.
    My address is emailingdaniel@gmail.com

    Hope you are making it through ok.

    Daniel

  • oh god i know how all of you feel, i recently ended my 4 and a half year relationship and i found out he was on all these dating sites and having his pictures on there and stuff, i mulled it over and over in my head, i called him to find out the truth but all i got was a response like i didnt do anything and right after that he said im not good enough. i realize that for every break up there is always something better. i realize today that if someone doesn’t love me the way i deserve to be loved they are certainly not worth my time. granted i am going thru hell, i have been sworn at, told im this and that but deep down we all have to find a way to make sure and look in the mirror and say we are all good people. and our x’s do not deserve to have us.

  • I broke up with my girlfriend amost a year ago. we dating for 3 years. I still think about her all the time and try to see her. She still trys to contact me and do dinner or lunch but it seems as if we are playing games with one another. I know why we broke up but fro some reason i can get her out of my mind.. Is there anything I can do

  • Thanks for the page. Very good advice. I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship only to find out she had cheated on me. I had to break it off and it is very hard to make the correct decsions when your in this state of mind. Acceptance is helping me out the most. I agree also with not putting your ex on a pedistal. I am sure this will help me prepare myself for future relationships. I can’t thank you enough for this article.

  • I’m deeply devastated over my recent break-up, its been three weeks, I’ve lost weight, can’t sleep and have cried every day since. The biggest challenge is that I contributed to the breakup and didn’t realize it. I love going to the gym, and would regularly encourage my love to work out, exercise, etc, she was not into that, but my words made her feel insecure, killed her intense passion for me over the months, and because of that made her realize that our union could not be a lasting one, I’m 17 years older than she. I’m 46 and this was the longest lasting relationship I ever had, at my age starting over again, well, I just don’t want to start over. I finally thought I found the love of my life. We shared so much, its like a third of my waking hours are now empty and i have nothing to fill them, the worse part is she doesn’t even want to be friends, not even to talk on the phone, that kills me the most, how could my best friend in the whole world not want to talk to me. When I met her I slowly phased the rest of my friends out, I only wanted to be with her, now that she is gone I have no one. This is so difficult.

  • Lucy,

    Acceptance takes time. You must consciously work on by dismissing past memories (check out no. 2).

    Affirmations also help a lot: “I accept that my relationship is over”.

    Once you are past the “acceptance-phase” it will be easier.

  • hi there
    your article was really helpful! my boyfriend of 7 months who is at uni has just broken up with me over the phone, he cheated on me the night before and feels he cant handle the long distance relaitonship, and his feelings have changed. this was on saturday, very out of the blue. I called him today to ask him more about why it ended and we had a long conversation (both crying) but essentially he has feelings for someone else and needs space. I am finding it so hard to accept this, i keep thinking that he is still part of my life, part of me in a way, and i just want to know how to reach the acceptance stage. I know i will meet someone else becasue i am young, and my family and friends are all there for me, i just cant accept why something that began so well has suddenly finished, and how your feelings can change just like that? any advice would be so much appreciated, thankyou, lucy.

  • Hey James,

    it’s dangerous, because if you encounter your Ex too early, it might throw you back in the healing-path.

    You have to go through all the 4 phases I’ve described, if not, a confrontation would only damage you.

  • Hey eddie, this article hit the nail on the head. I recently broke up from a serious relationship and i have been putting her on a pedestal, im now trying to kick her off but why is it dangerous? How should
    i go about doing this?

  • Thank you Michael for your kind words.

    It is always surprising how easy everything goes once the Ex is removed from that pedestal. However, it’s very dangerous to try that too early.

    So choosing the right time is essential.

  • Michael Scholz says:

    This is so true. It’s been nearly 2 years now after my break up and I’m still not over her. You are absolutely right, I’ve put my Ex on a pedestal, I’ve been idealizing our relationship, so that there is no room for a new beginning.

    Your article opened my eyes! Thank you very much. Keep up the great work, there are many out there needing your help.

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