“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” – C. JoyBell C.
After weeks and months of struggling, fighting through the pain and riding the emotional roller-coaster, you finally have to face that one moment that changes it all – the disengagement from your Ex.
You have made an arduous climb towards the top of the mountain called breakup recovery, and you face this final big obstacle.
But there is a danger here, a small fork in the road. You have to choose between giving up and letting go.
The Advantages Of Letting Go Your Ex
When I say “letting go”, I mean the particular phase in your recovery, and not the actual, literal process.
Letting go is total acceptance, an inner process of consciously acknowledging that you CAN make it alone, and that you do NOT need your Ex to survive emotionally and physically.
You say “good-bye”, turn around and walk away.
This is the ultimate climax of your recovery, (there are still a few steps missing, but from now on, you are pretty much fine).
The benefits of “letting go” are obvious:
- You release the anger towards your Ex, and forgive them and yourself for everything that happened
- You have a clear idea why the relationship failed, and how to avoid that mistake in the future
- You know for sure that you will survive alone, (especially emotionally)
- You can think about the future in a positive way for the first time
Sounds good, doesn’t it?
But there is danger ahead.
Many people going through a break-up think that they let go of their Ex at some point, when in fact they do NOT.
What they really do is just GIVE UP.
What is the difference? I’ll come to that in a minute.
The Actual Process Of Letting Go
The process of disengagement from your Ex usually doesn’t happen automatically. You cannot decide to do so two days after your break-up and expect it to happen.
It doesn’t work this way.
You have to have all of the recovery phases behind you in order to successfully make that step. It is a linear process, the end of the detachment.
In other words, you will learn everything you need to make it happen while going through the painful phases.
Unfortunately, there is no shortcut.
And at this point, when you have nearly reached the top of that metaphorical mountain, you must convince yourself that you are ready, and make a conscious effort to release your Ex.
Because if you do not, you are in danger of avoiding this very important step and taking the easy way out… which is giving up.
This is when we leap into a new relationship before we are ready to do so, or we make the decision that we will always love them secretly, that no one else could ever come even near our Ex.
It’s kneeling in front of the pedestal we’ve put our Ex on.
Many of us make this mistake, and it’s the #1 reason that people suffer way longer than they really should.
“Giving up” means, in fact, to stagnate out of fear, as opposed to having a little courage and freeing yourself from the chains of your Ex.
It’s avoiding having to face the ultimate solution, and taking measures of avoidance instead.
Let Your Ex Go – Here’s How
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a
part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli
“Letting go will bring you freedom you haven’t dreamed of.”
As written before, letting go will bring you freedom you haven’t dreamed of [tweet this], and will prepare you for the next step, which is finding someone new or simply living the life you want, being emotionally free.
It will give you confidence and strength to endure the rest of the journey. You re-claim your self-esteem and identity.
There are many ways to start the process of letting your Ex go, but over 9 years of coaching have taught me a few secret ways that are most effective, (I teach them in the “home-study version” of my coaching).
One of them is the “farewell ceremony”.
Here’s what you do.
You write a letter to your Ex that you do NOT send.
You address in this letter why the relationship was important to you, maybe how you miss them, how you realize that it’s finally over, how you forgive them and yourself, and how you’ve learned that in order to survive you must let go of them.
Make it personal, emotional, but let it have one sole purpose – to thank them for the good-times and to say goodbye.
Now take this letter along with an item that you love and which is connected to your Ex, (a gift, a photo, something emotional). Take these and go to a nearby river.
Position yourself in the middle of a bridge, (look for a place where there’s no one around), read the letter you wrote out loud and say “goodbye [name], I’m letting you go!”.
After you do that, throw that item into the river and burn the letter.
Ok, I know how this sounds… a little ridiculous and melodramatic. But don’t judge it before you try it. I can almost guarantee you that it will help you.
It has helped thousands before you, so what is the harm in trying?
As in many times during your recovery – don’t analyze it, just do it.
How To Know When You are Ready To Let Go
It is almost impossible to give a clear time-frame as to the when you are ready for this step. It depends on many factors. Mainly on the work you have done throughout the previous phases.
It could be after two months, or after a year.
You are probably ready to let go of your Ex when you:
- have successfully completed the 60 days of No-Contact
- no more feel the urge to contact your Ex
- no more feel the need to resolve things with your Ex
- have an idea what went wrong in your relationship
- feel that the fear of bumping into them is much less
- can handle alone time much better, being alone doesn’t feel awkward anymore
- have learned to control an upcoming negative thinking process
- feel that the pain is more or less manageable
When all of the above is applicable to you, then you’ve done A LOT and you’ve come very far. Now would be the time to do the letting-go work, to prepare yourself for the last step, “The Re-Opening”, a leap into a new life, as I call it in my coaching.
“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do
to bring it back. You can’t ‘should’ve’ done something. You can only
DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new
day!” – Steve Maraboli
There is a point in your recovery – a very important point – where you need to consciously let go of your ex-partner. You have to finalize your recovery by resolving everything that needs resolving.
Forgive them, forgive yourself, be thankful for the times you’ve had, understand what you have learned about the relationship and yourself, say goodbye and RELEASE them.
Disengage yourself from your Ex, and free the path for a new and bright life with all that comes with it.
Then you will stand at the top of that huge mountain, look back at the arduous path you’ve taken feeling pride and confidence from what you’ve accomplished.
In this moment, you will realize that all the suffering, all the tough times, had their purpose. It made you stronger, wiser and closer to the person you really are.
For that you will be thankful… and so proud.