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Are You Letting Go Or Just Giving Up? Rules Of Disengagement

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” – C. JoyBell C.

After weeks and months of struggling, fighting through the pain and riding the emotional roller-coaster, you finally have to face that one moment that changes it all – the disengagement from your Ex.

You have made an arduous climb towards the top of the mountain called breakup recovery, and you face this final big obstacle.

But there is a danger here, a small fork in the road.  You have to choose between giving up and letting go.

The Advantages Of Letting Go Your Ex

When I say “letting go”, I mean the particular phase in your recovery, and not the actual, literal process.

Letting go is total acceptance, an inner process of consciously acknowledging that you CAN make it alone, and that you do NOT need your Ex to survive emotionally and physically.

You say “good-bye”, turn around and walk away.


This is the ultimate climax of your recovery, (there are still a few steps missing, but from now on, you are pretty much fine).

The benefits of “letting go” are obvious:

  1. You release the anger towards your Ex, and forgive them and yourself for everything that happened
  2. You have a clear idea why the relationship failed, and how to avoid that mistake in the future
  3. You know for sure that you will survive alone, (especially emotionally)
  4. You can think about the future in a positive way for the first time

Sounds good, doesn’t it?

But there is danger ahead.

Many people going through a break-up think that they let go of their Ex at some point, when in fact they do NOT.

What they really do is just GIVE UP.

What is the difference? I’ll come to that in a minute.

The Actual Process Of Letting Go

The process of disengagement from your Ex usually doesn’t happen automatically. You cannot decide to do so two days after your break-up and expect it to happen.

It doesn’t work this way.

You have to have all of the recovery phases behind you in order to successfully make that step. It is a linear process, the end of the detachment.

In other words, you will learn everything you need to make it happen while going through the painful phases.

Unfortunately, there is no shortcut.

And at this point, when you have nearly reached the top of that metaphorical mountain, you must convince yourself that you are ready, and make a conscious effort to release your Ex.

Because if you do not, you are in danger of avoiding this very important step and taking the easy way out… which is giving up.

This is when we leap into a new relationship before we are ready to do so, or we make the decision that we will always love them secretly, that no one else could ever come even near our Ex.

It’s kneeling in front of the pedestal we’ve put our Ex on.

Many of us make this mistake, and it’s the #1 reason that people suffer way longer than they really should.

“Giving up” means, in fact, to stagnate out of fear, as opposed to having a little courage and freeing yourself from the chains of your Ex.

It’s avoiding having to face the ultimate solution, and taking measures of avoidance instead.

Let Your Ex Go – Here’s How

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a
part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

“Letting go will bring you freedom you haven’t dreamed of.”

As written before, letting go will bring you freedom you haven’t dreamed of [tweet this], and will prepare you for the next step, which is finding someone new or simply living the life you want, being emotionally free.

It will give you confidence and strength to endure the rest of the journey. You re-claim your self-esteem and identity.

There are many ways to start the process of letting your Ex go, but over 9 years of coaching have taught me a few secret ways that are most effective, (I teach them in the “home-study version” of my coaching).

One of them is the “farewell ceremony”.

Here’s what you do.

You write a letter to your Ex that you do NOT send.

You address in this letter why the relationship was important to you, maybe how you miss them, how you realize that it’s finally over, how you forgive them and yourself, and how you’ve learned that in order to survive you must let go of them.

Make it personal, emotional, but let it have one sole purpose – to thank them for the good-times and to say goodbye.

Now take this letter along with an item that you love and which is connected to your Ex, (a gift, a photo, something emotional). Take these and go to a nearby river.

Position yourself in the middle of a bridge, (look for a place where there’s no one around), read the letter you wrote out loud and say “goodbye [name], I’m letting you go!”.

After you do that, throw that item into the river and burn the letter.

Ok, I know how this sounds… a little ridiculous and melodramatic. But don’t judge it before you try it. I can almost guarantee you that it will help you.

It has helped thousands before you, so what is the harm in trying?

As in many times during your recovery – don’t analyze it, just do it.

How To Know When You are Ready To Let Go

It is almost impossible to give a clear time-frame as to the when you are ready for this step. It depends on many factors. Mainly on the work you have done throughout the previous phases.

It could be after two months, or after a year.

You are probably ready to let go of your Ex when you:

  • have successfully completed the 60 days of No-Contact
  • no more feel the urge to contact your Ex
  • no more feel the need to resolve things with your Ex
  • have an idea what went wrong in your relationship
  • feel that the fear of bumping into them is much less
  • can handle alone time much better, being alone doesn’t feel awkward anymore
  • have learned to control an upcoming negative thinking process
  • feel that the pain is more or less manageable

When all of the above is applicable to you, then you’ve done A LOT and you’ve come very far. Now would be the time to do the letting-go work, to prepare yourself for the last step, “The Re-Opening”, a leap into a new life, as I call it in my coaching.


“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do
to bring it back. You can’t ‘should’ve’ done something. You can only
DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new
day!” – Steve Maraboli

There is a point in your recovery – a very important point – where you need to consciously let go of your ex-partner. You have to finalize your recovery by resolving everything that needs resolving.

Forgive them, forgive yourself, be thankful for the times you’ve had, understand what you have learned about the relationship and yourself, say goodbye and RELEASE them.

Disengage yourself from your Ex, and free the path for a new and bright life with all that comes with it.

Then you will stand at the top of that huge mountain, look back at the arduous path you’ve taken feeling pride and confidence from what you’ve accomplished.

In this moment, you will realize that all the suffering, all the tough times, had their purpose.  It made you stronger, wiser and closer to the person you really are.

For that you will be thankful… and so proud.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

47 Responses to Are You Letting Go Or Just Giving Up? Rules Of Disengagement

  1. Dave March 11, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

    Thanks Eddie. This process is so painful. Going through the business that sets u free is just as painful. It’s so hard but has to be done. I hate this shit. I didn’t want it, it’s just pain. Your advice, though hard to take is necessary and helpful.

  2. RayRay March 11, 2014 at 2:01 pm #

    That is so amazing that I am currently at this exact crossroads, looking back on all the hard times, the tears, the heart break, the pain for the past 10 months..and finally about ready to let go completely.

    It still comes and goes in phases but the more time passes the more I know I am better off, can survive alone without attachment to anything or anyone.

    The hardest part was confronting my own ugliness and flaws and contribution to the demise of the relationship. Then the memories that attack every now and then, thinking about him still for many parts of the day. How can I release that other than affirmations?

    Thank you for your wonderful website it has been a tremendous help in my continuous healing,.

    • motimbo September 17, 2015 at 1:35 am #

      Oh wow!

      Everything you mentioned is EXACTLY what I am currently going through.
      We dated for 10 months. It was the most beautiful, meaningful, heartfelt relationship I’ve ever had the pleasure of being in. He is a wonderful man, who fought hard for me, and us, for 10 months.

      The hardest part is knowing that YOU are primarily responsible for the demise of the relationship. I could have had it all. I allowed my fears/insecurities about the past and women from his past torture my mind. I blamed him for having a past. But how is this right, when I have a past of my own? I didn’t forgive him for a lie he told (he told it as a stupid mistake – out of fear/not wanting to discuss the past). Not wanting to push me away…not wanting to hurt my feelings. But, silly me had to dig deeper and deeper, and the more information I learned, the more insecure I became. Eventually, it went from telephone conversations, text message conversations about the insecurities, to in person fights. All he ever wanted was to be loved and accepted fully and unconditionally, and I couldn’t allow myself to do that.

      Was it worth losing a great man over? Absolutely not.
      I’m devastated over my behaviour, my poor knee-jerk reactions to situations, and my inability to think rationally during so many opportunities to change things around. I had chances. I pushed too hard. Made him adjust things in his life…. simply to apease my insecurities. Which had NOTHING to do with him.
      My mind would always jump to the worst case scenario, without even giving him or the situation the benefit of the doubt.
      In the end, I feared being rejected and mistreated by a man, only to have pushed him so far from me, that he eventually ended it.

      So, in essence, I hurt myself in the end. Him as well.

      It’s been almost 2 weeks.

      The only thing I can do now is WORK ON BETTERING MYSELF. Learn from my mistakes and learn strategies to never make them again. Gain my identity and self-esteem back. Become confident again. I lost myself in the relationship, which was another terrible mistake. It should always be about balance, and I lost mine, trying to hold onto something I felt was slipping away.

      What was YOUR ugliness and flaws that contributed to your relationship breaking apart?
      What did you learn from your experience?

  3. nisha March 11, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

    Great article offering useful advice on letting go of your past, your ex, that’s hard to embrace. And, yeah, I gotta agree the picture is pretty cheesy. On first glimpse, I thought I might start reading a religious commentary on how we should overcome the hardships of life through the power of Jesus Christ. LOL. It’s a funny picture is all. For all you Christians out there, I’m a Christian too. It’s just a joke.

  4. sue March 11, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

    I continue to be amazed at your timing. I am at that mountain and now I have a purpose. You are right. This burden is extremely heavy and I am ready to release it, drop it like its hot, whatever to get this monkey off my back. Thank you Eddie. I will do this ritual. I am very visual and I know this will work. Thank God for you and good luck to all of us who have suffered together and those of us who are still struggling. God bless!

  5. liZa March 11, 2014 at 4:24 pm #

    Hi Eddie,
    I am . and have been , at this crossroads for several months now. I will try what you suggest..i happen to be attending a healing and burning ceremony next week. Perfect time to write “the letter”. I wrote one last year and a third party gave it to him, but I think I understand that is time to write the final letter. I am there ..on the mountain top glimpsing my wide open future……just have to figure out a way to say good bye..

    God bless you for you time and wisdom in helping me and others.

  6. Donna maio March 11, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

    Thanks Eddie. All of your articles have helped me with getting over my ex. Just wanted you to know how grateful I am that you came into my life at exactly the right time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love, donna

  7. Tammy March 12, 2014 at 2:26 am #


    Thank you. I say that again THANK YOU. I am at this crossroad now 16 months post break up. What a perfect timing as I am once again beset and haunted by the memories of my ex especially I am now back in the city where we created beautiful memories together. When we broke up, I condemned the city as it represents a very painful past. Upon reading the signs I realized I have successfully reached the stage of a break up survivor as I am now back in the city trying to rebuild my whole life again. Your article helped me so much to realize, to cope and to really finally let go. My ex has now found someone else and I am happy for him. When I think about him, what comes into my mind now is not hurt but the ‘objective’ me thinking and reminding my dear self that, ‘he was not good for you and you deserved so much better than him’ and I feel a great relief to myself. I am very grateful I survived it all. I am grateful for you have helped me go through the painful process of letting go and helped me protect myself and my dignity. Thank you Eddie. From the bottom of my heart. I survived.

  8. Shatum March 12, 2014 at 3:27 am #

    Hi Eddie , I have brought your book and done all your steps and am truly grateful for your guidance , it’s been a year now and still feel a little attached I have only just found out through my exes friends that she was cheating on me with many people throughout our marriage ! The truth always come out , but what I’ve learnt from you is that she is 100% Narrissitst !
    After finding out this truth about her double life I feel I have gone straight back to the beginning of my break up , we have a child together but try my best not to see her I pick my son up from school and drop him off there so I don’t have to see her , as my emotions run wild because of what I now know , I am truly trying my best to let go ! But still find myself fighting this battle within my self I am taking each day as it comes and look forward wen I can completely have let go any more of your knowledge and help will go along way for me cheers Shatum

  9. Arun Kumar March 12, 2014 at 11:00 am #

    Hi Eddie,

    Another great article towards the path of healing. When I reach the stage where I can truly let her go. I will try the ritual. The picture is really nice.

    I have learned many things from your site about love, relationship and life.

    You are a great man.

    Again thanks for the article.

  10. Jc March 12, 2014 at 11:17 am #

    Firstly thank you eddie for your emails and this website they really have been a tremendous help to me. I was in a relationship for 8 years with my ex and it ended two years ago but we work together and she wanted to stay friends so of course I did until Xmas time when I hit my lowest ebb and she was in a new relationship. I changed everything. I moved offices and blocked pretty much all contact except for work emails that had to be sent. I look back now and see a completely different picture as Fas as pur relationship is concerned. I realise it was a bad relationship for so many reasons some mine some hers some just because we weren’t right for each other . I am six and a glad weeks since I saw her and it does get better in fact it’s strange that your life changes without you properly realising it. I think I am ready to let go finally , in fact until I read this article I thought I already had! The only thing I feel now is just sadness that’s it’s all over but I know it’s the best thing for us both and I don’t hate her or want to know any of her reasons for ending it like I used to! This is all hard but I can see light at the end of the tunnel, I now enjoy being on my own and just doing stupid things and appreciating life more I was so caught up in all the intensity and games in our relationship the feeling of that weight off my back is really nice ! I wish everyone the best in their recovery and thank you again eddie for helping me make sense of what to me at times was impossible to understand!

  11. Rosa March 14, 2014 at 6:25 am #

    Hello Eddie,

    I found your website about seven months ago during a time when I was having anxiety attacks and losing my mind. I was in a very dark place and I truly believe that I actually went somewhat insane. If it wasn’t for this site and your emails, things could have turned out much differently. I spent hours reading all the articles and comments left by heartbroken people like me. You have no idea how much this helped me. It was emotional therapy each time I read those sad stories and then success stories. I didn’t feel alone, knew that others were going through as much pain and I could then feel hope.
    I’m so much better now. I did the sixty days, I set up my phone so that all of his calls would go directly to voicemail (knowing that he couldn’t leave a message cuz I keep my mailbox full). However, he did text me a couple times (just hi’s and how u doing). I ignored his texts. In January he started texting me more and telling me that he missed me, still loved me, etc. I ignored him. Finally last month I gave in and replied after he sent me a few texts telling me that he wanted to start all over again. I had lunch with him twice, but it felt strange to me. I had lunch with him a third time and after lunch, I asked him what he wanted of me. He said that he had already told me; he wanted us to start all over again and to slowly build our relationship. I told him that I didn’t feel it, that I couldn’t trust him again. I said goodbye. He promised that he wouldn’t bother me again and that I would always be in his heart. It’s been two weeks since then and I feel better than OK. I’m almost there. All the anguish and pain is just a bad memory and I feel very different. Independent, free, calm. My emotional state is not 100%, but I’m good. Thank you Eddie and thank you to all those who spilled their hearts out through their comments.


    • Alice April 10, 2014 at 2:17 am #

      its been three days since the break up and this gives me hope. thank you.

    • motimbo September 17, 2015 at 2:07 am #

      Hi Rosa,

      Thank you for sharing your experience/emotions/thoughts.

      Did you break up with him, or did he break up with you?

      What effect did it have on you to have him continue to reconnect with you?
      Did it push you away even more?

      I aim to understand other’s experiences, and am willing to learn from them.

      Thank you kindly.

  12. Elizabeth March 17, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    Hi everyone

    I did the ritual to visualize letting go of my ex and forgiving him and myself. So I thought I was really over him.

    Coincidentally, after the ritual, I found an email from that ex who abandoned me and broke with me over text. He apologized to me and said I could talk to him if I want to and he would not ask anything from me.

    What am I supposed to do now? All of a sudden, I’m so disturbed by his email. It brings back all the hurt and anger and I’ve been crying on the subway on my way to work. I feel useless.

    I even wrote a reply to him telling him how angry I am and all my angry negative feelings but I have not sent it out to him yet. I’ve been sitting on it for 7 days and the more I read my reply to him. The more angry I get.

    How dare he ? Who does he think he is to come and go whenever he pleases, especially after he verbally abused me and emotionally abused me?

    I need help! I’m going crazy with the emotional roller coaster rider again. I thought I won’t feel this way after the NC for 3 months. Why is it that I feel this way after reading his email?

    What would you advise me to do?


    • motimbo September 17, 2015 at 2:27 am #

      Hi Elizabeth,

      I am curious:

      How did he verbally and emotionally abuse you?

      Any insight would be helpful.

      Thank you 😉

  13. Stacey March 17, 2014 at 11:18 pm #

    Elizabeth – I honestly don’t think you should reply. You need to remain NC. I am not sure anything you say he will really hear anyway especially if he verbally and emotionally abused you. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time. Delete his email and do not respond.

    • Elizabeth March 20, 2014 at 3:59 pm #

      Dear Stacey

      Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. I shall delete his email and not respond.

      You are right. He does not deserve my time and energy.

      I was so consumed by anger, I couldn’t think straight.

      Thank God for Eddie’s website and your support!

      God bless you all.


  14. Brenda March 18, 2014 at 6:52 am #

    Elizabeth stay strong don’t send it, your email DO NOTHING.I was out with friends tonight at a pub it was for St Pats day.I was starting to relax and looked over and saw my ex coming in with his curling buddies-I about puked.I have not seen the man since last Jan 25th over a year.I had gone over it in my head a 1,000 times.I would be stronger now tougher now if I saw him I would nod and walk away.It was the toughest thing ever to pretend to laugh and engage with the others when I knew at some point he would look over and spot me.He didn’t stay very long maybe 10 min and they were gone.I was soo relieved it was over that first encounter and that I had the upper hand as I saw him before he saw me soo I had time to prepare.And just as Eddie had said when you do see them for that first time since NC don’t fold don’t quit surround yourself with positive people get out laugh and don’t let it overwhelm you.
    When people hurt us our self worth is eroded and we are at a very low point.So when we get a crumb we want soo desperately to hope against hope that that love of ours has seen the light and will come back to us. I did go back, we were parted for a year and a half when I got an email just like your text.I thought believed he had changed wanted an us and foolishly went back.That lasted 6 months and this second breakup hurt much worst than the first much much worst.So dear lady keep strong stay the course read all of Eddies material and vent to us on here.But please don’t be lured back.You have only had three months of not contact you are still very very vulnerable.
    You loved someone who let you down,it mattered and your heart is in shreds.That’s why you feel this way.Don’t let anyone mess with you, your heart,your emotions ,your soul who isn’t in it for the long run.You are better than that remember this! and you are not alone you are here and among friends and Eddie is the best coach you could hope for.
    sending you warm hugs,

    • Elizabeth March 20, 2014 at 4:06 pm #

      Dear Brenda

      You’re right. I suspect that ex is testing the waters. And I bet you are right. He just wants to see if I would get back to him.

      An ex is “axed” for various reasons. I can only learn and move on. A mirror is broken, better leave it broken than to fix it and see the cracks forever. Some things are not meant to be.

      Should I write him back, telling him I forgive him then to get closure?

      PS: I’m so proud of you and your healing journey. Kudos to everyone who had stick with the NC strategy. One day, I want to be proud and happy without him in my life. We’re free to live our lives! Wee! Yipee!

      Thanks Brenda, God bless you!

  15. Arun Kumar March 18, 2014 at 9:58 am #

    Dear Elizabeth,

    First of all, congrats on 3 months of NC. Like you many of us here know that our ex’s are not good for us, but still we miss them. But it’s ok. It will get better. You have gone 3 months without him and this means you can live without him forever. Just remember you deserve someone better. It’s 9 months of break-up for me. and now I can proudly say that I am well and happy without my ex.

    • Elizabeth March 20, 2014 at 4:15 pm #

      Dear Arun, I’m happy for you and I’m proud of your achievement. You did it.

      Well done!

      I wish I can just eliminate my anger inside and forgive myself and my ex.

      I have so much self-hatred towards myself. I feel that I cannot count on myself to make good decisions. I was fooled by his sincere courtship which did not materialize into the relationship that he promised me. I’m saddened and angry at myself.

      I’ll learn to let it all go and practise self-love and respect my heart and wants.

      Thank you for your encouragement everybody!

      You guys rock and have fun every day exploring life. There’s so much life to be lived.

  16. Brenda March 21, 2014 at 5:18 pm #

    Dear Elizabeth-give it time my girl all things in time.You will get to a better place you will.You have asked should you write him?NO But write down everything you are feeling and then burn it.Write down why you are soo sad and angry with yourself,why you feel soo let down,
    Be happy with yourself cause you gave love,nothing wrong there.If we don’t give our love unconditionly with no expectation back then we aren’t really living this life.
    I try to remember to go back and think about the first broken heart I experienced and it’s just a memory now,this breakup will become the same in time,
    Smile laugh go out with positive people !! keep venting lol we are all on our journey our path.The universe has plans for each of us,he wasn’t in your plan hugs my girl~

  17. Martin March 22, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

    Like Eddie, I am a person whose Break-up (yes, THE break-up, capital letters) happened many years ago, seven to be exact. Like everybody else, I had to face the biggest challenge life had put in front of me: To rebuilt one self from total devastation to a much much better version of myself. Unlike many of you, my break-up was not riddled with frustration, cheating, fights or disrespectful behavior. She, and elegant, methodical and successful-life oriented Ivy league student, met the unexpected. The poor, the artist. And it happened. And it was real. Like in the movies. Me, the free spirit, skeptical and sarcastic about love, found what he never believed in. When she broke-up short after the beginnings, in the distance, unable to do it face by face, I knew it was meant to be that way. I had my path to walk, she had hers. Different ones. Shattered to pieces, having to ‘let go’ the most precious thing I ever had in my hands was one of the most painful but amazing endeavors I ever taken.

    What I learned, what I became after, what I got from it and all the unbelievable experiences I lived during my recovery process and beyond it, will remain forever as a part of me. I look seven years back and I feel proud of all the accomplished. All what happened once I decided to became a better person, questioning past beliefs and mental programming since I was a kid.

    Did I let go her? What I let go was the idea of her, as the physical person was gone right after the break-up. Two years after that moment, zero contact both ways, when I was feeling able to walk alone in peace with myself, one of my friends talked to me about the same ritual Eddie explains up there. I never did it. Or better said, not physically. I just let it drain out slowly from my heart, knowing that the only thing I had to do (and could possibly do) is to live my present intensely. Maybe one of the greatest things I ever learned is that you can not rush the river to flow faster. Nor you can set doors in the fields to stop the wind. Instead, embrace the moment, let things flow out naturally when it is time, as you let them in before. We never know what awaits for us, but we know that, with enough perspective, anytime I looked back everything had a reason, everything made sense. Live what is meant to be lived now, and live it intensely. It is the only thing you can control.

    From here, I am sending you all my strength. I give you my word that you all will feel the same way. After all these years, now living happily, what I needed to let go is not that woman, but all the insecurities and fears that kept me tied to her memories.

    • Sandra March 26, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

      Just a big thank you for these very beautiful words Martin!

    • motimbo September 17, 2015 at 6:50 am #

      WOW. That was so beautiful, Martin!
      Thank you for those words of wisdom. Your journey sounds so inspirational.

      How did you come about all these realizations?

      How did you overcome the emotional hurdles?

      Did you undergo any type of therapy?

      Any insight would be helpful.

      Thank you!

  18. Milena March 31, 2014 at 9:19 pm #

    Thank you thank you thank you so much for this article!

  19. Princess1012 April 10, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    This is hard. I know for a fact that I do not want my ex back but I’m still angry at him for the way he handled things. If he had handled it like a “normal” person maybe it’ll be easier to forgive him. But he had total disregard for my feelings and wanted to hang around my life. I was doing so well until I got a text from him the other day about him returning my stuff and telling me he just got back from overseas. I feel he mentioned the trip to get at me because he knows I know he went to see the girl he cheated on me with. So I blocked his numbers. Only thing he can call me at work. I wonder if I can request a new phone number so I never have to hear from him again. I literally want him to go away while I work through my emotions. It’s been 4 months since the breakup. The pain is just about gone but I’m angry and jealous that he is able to just slide into another relationship just like that. I have the opportunity to do the same but I’m not emotionally ready to be in a relationship and I still have some work to do on myself. I want my next relationship to feel good.
    I’ve been doing some research and it appears my ex is either a sociopath or a narc or both. He felt he was better than everyone and extremely arrogant. He also felt the need to be the center of attention. He also felt he was above it all and did not conform to “normalcy”. But these where the very things I liked about him. I felt he was confident but now I’m learning that it may not be that attractive after all.then I get confused because they say narcs and sociopaths have no empathy or feelings. I felt like he did. Up until this last thing he did I felt like he did care about how I feel. I know he was a sex addict that I know. I accommodated him. Everyone tells me he probably cheated on me throughout our relationship I just never found out until this last one because he became comfortable. When I think back I did see signs of other women being in his apartment but he was able to excuse it away.
    I really did feel like he loved me I just don’t get why he is acting like he does not care that he hurt me. I’m able to eat and sleep now. But I lost over 10 lbs in a matter of weeks as a result of the break up. I’ve recovered from that. I just want to get rid of this anger and jealousy. I guess it’s one of the phases of grief. I don’t know what God has in store for me for my future, but i just have to believe that it will be ok and he will take care of me and there is someone else out there for me. I just know I’m not ready for a relationship and I am ok with that for now. I’m working with a therapist so it helps.

  20. Bernadette May 2, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

    I really enjoyed reading your blog, Eddie. It has given me comfort for the past 2 months. My bf of 5 years asked for space 7 weeks ago. At first I was confused, but then I recently discovered that he was taking interest in a female coworker that he has been flirting with on Facebook. I was devastated and have been through hell beating myself up with my inadequacies and imperfections ( I even had to see a therapist because I was having suicidal thoughts). He was my first love, first boyfriend. I am 24 and he is 30.

    I am feeling conflicted right now because it has been 28 days of NC and 7 weeks post break up. I am the type to love unconditionally. I was fully committed and loyal to him. I want nothing more than to wish him luck with work this month. I don’t want to be afraid of rejection, I want to express how I feel to him, since I know that life is brief. I don’t want to let my ego get in the way. On the other hand, my family and therapist say that I should avoid texting him since I’ve already texted him 3 times before with no response. They want me to focus on myself and realize that the ball is already in his court.

    I would be really happy If i could hear from you. This is my first break up and I am just feeling so conflicted. My heart and my mind are at war right now. Thank you again for your blog. You are a blessing! 🙂

  21. Brandon May 3, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

    I am recently going through a break up within the past couple of days. I was with this man for two years and we have had a very rocky relationship. When I first met him he was living in very bad living situation, very disgusting living place and his parents were not accepting of his coming out as gay and me being his first boyfriend. He had never been sexual with another man. We moved in together very quickly within five months and everything seemed good then we realized differences about each other that we didn’t know but we loved each other so it was something we both assumed that we would just work through. As time went on he told me that he didn’t feel like I was the one for him and that he has never been with other people (sexually & dating wise) to go out and experience life and find out who he was as a person. I asked him to try and work things out for months and he did and finally he told me that he didn’t want to be together with me anymore because it wasn’t fair to me that I was giving 100% and he couldn’t give that to me! We ended up fighting and tears and heartache for the last 5 horrible months of our relationship then we finally parted ways and literally within days he had already slept with another person and after reading this article it has given me the strength to post this and just let it out. He doesn’t wanna see me anymore and I get that because he doesn’t think i’m the on for him so I am doing all I can as a person to let him go and its hard. This site has been extremely helpful. Thanks for the Help.

  22. stanley May 18, 2014 at 3:14 pm #

    Hi Eddie,

    I wish i found your site 1,5 years ago when i was suffering the most. It hurt like a bitch but did not have to if i had not done it so hard on me myself. Its been two years since she dumped me but its way better now. I still like her as a person but dont love her anymore.

    Today i did the ritual and it felt like a huge stone left my shoulders. I really feel free now in spirit. It feels great. Though i now iwill still like her cuz she is not that bad of a person i no longer feel attached in any way. I know i can love again. Love my single life, my free time, my dreams and the future which i can now see in a totally different-free way. Thank you for that.

    To the rest of all you sufferers. It is doable! You can dettach. You can unlove yor ex. It takes time but it is so worth it! You will be able to let go for real. You will be able to love not just yourself no matter how much you hurt someone, no matter how much you regret, but youll be able to love your life, your options, your new future waiting just for you and you only!

    Time is a great healer let it work for you. You all are unique and there always is that special someone who will be greatfull that he she met just you.

    Dont give up and know that you too will be able to let go and let life and love come back to you 🙂

    • Arun Kumar May 19, 2014 at 11:05 am #

      Hi Stanley,

      Thanks for the inspiring comment. Keep it up.

  23. Nina June 14, 2014 at 5:07 pm #

    Im 1 and a half months into no contact. He broke up with me after 3 years together and told me he couldn’t see a future with me. I was heart broken, I still am.

    Do you think its ok I extend the time frame on no contact or should I be doing something else aswell?

    Im not feeling any happier. Im seeing a therapist and she thinks because I’m avoiding knowing absolutely nothing about my ex, that it might be harming my recovery. She thinks it keeps me sort of in denial so I dont have to know or hear the real truth and so it m4akez me think of all these worst case scenarios about what he is doing.

    I still have him on this pedestal and I dont know how to drag him down. I struggle not knowing what he is up to.

    I dont really know what to believe. I do avoid hearing nothing about my ex, I’ve told all my friends to not tell me anything because they still have him on facebook etc. Because they are sort of still half friends. It makes me sick to think he has kissed or been with someone else, even though I have no idea if he has.

    I don’t think I’ve learned to accept he isnt coming back and I dont know how to. I dont know how to let go.

    I thought no contact would help me, but I’m just miserable. I know I wont contact him again. I know that much. But I just am struggling without him in my life. I think about him all day everyday. Its exhausting.

    I love him.

    Can someone help me with any tips?

  24. Stanley June 15, 2014 at 1:14 pm #

    Hi Nina,

    my ex-girlfriend name is Nina. Funny huh? 1,5 month is not that long of a time to start recovering. I can feel your pain. I could not stop thinking about my ex for a couple of months. It’s been more than 2 years and I do still think of her from time to time. However I no longer think of her in a way I used to after the break up. It is this made up image of our exes that feeds the pain. I can now see that my ex is not the same person as she was before. Sometimes I feel like a never get to know her for real during those 5 years. I do still like her but theres no love anymore. I used to love that made up image of her which is not real. There was little compatibility between us which I did not want to see for a long time but I do now. Life brings funny situations. This Friday I met my high school ex Katrin who I used to date for 2 years and I had a blast. For real. She was funny as hell, caring and just being cool to me which I did not expect at all. She is now engaged living her life with a cool dude, teaching elementary school kids. I was happy for her because she no longer lives with her abusive alcoholic father and she seemed to be happy finally. Then it hit me. I realized that my last ex Nina and I were never that compatible as I used to be with Katrin. I never had such great time laughing with Nina as I had for just one evening with Katrin. I know we got drunk and talked about the old times which I thought would never ever happen and yet it did.

    What I wanted to say is that you too will get that moment when you realize that your ex who dumped you was not worth it and you too were not that compatible as you thought.
    No contact is for you and nobody else. It is not easy. It’s freaking hard I know. I suffered for more than a year but you do not have to. Time will heal anything. You can extend the no contact for as long as you feel like it. Since you probably have more free time now find something that you like doing and keep doing it be it exercise (this one is great one, I lost weight, gained some muscles and my figure is the best I ever had) or any other hobby.

    You will think of your ex even when enjoying your activities but as the time progresses you will find that you think of him less and less. Just remember that there always is someone who likes you and would be happy to spend time with you. Even though after more than two years I do not date anyone I am starting to see that other girls do look at me and like me which I could not see at all after the break up. I do not feel like dating anyone yet but that might change real fast when I met someone who will attract me with her charisma. I do no longer go only after the looks. I want someone who can make me laugh and thats whats important to me.

    My ex Nina actually could not made me laugh at all. When I look back I can see now that we were incompatible as hell. I used to feed that dream of my perfect ex which never was true. There are so many interesting people out there that I wonder how I was able to date her for 5 years.

    There is nothing that you can know or hear of your ex that would make you better or happier at this stage. So keep the no contact for as long as you feel like. It will get better on its own. Just try to distract yourself from thinking about your ex. You have the right to feel miserable it is part of the process just do not let it overcome you. There are better days ahead.

    I thought I was never gonna be able to speak to my last ex but now I do meet her like every other Friday cuz she and I were never gonna give up our favorite venue just because of the break up and it really was an ugly one. I stopped going there right after the break up during my no contact just because I did not want to see her which always brought up all the feeling I did not want to feel but know I do no longer care. I can talk to her and so she can and I actually am thanks full that we are able to talk to each other.

    I wish her well even though she dumped me at the time I needed support and I hated her for that. Sounds weird eeh?? Whats important is the fact that when I meet her I do not feel nothing at all. I no longer love her and I think I never could lover her again. I am not attracted to her anymore even though she is very good looking. I do not know why though. There isnt that spark anymore.

    I struggled with the fact that she no longer is coming back as you do now but trust me you too will accept it one day and there will come a day when you will not be able to imagine him coming back because you will not want to. There is nothing wrong with you. Being dumped hurts as hell but it is still better than being with someone who does not love you and cannot see the future with you. It would be like dead by thousand cuts. You dont want that. While the pain is intense after the break up it will get better and there still is a future for you but not with the dude that dumped you which is way better than no future at all.

    This is your chance to change, to become a better more loving person. To grab the life by the balls. You’ll emerge stronger. Let the time work for you.

    • Nina June 15, 2014 at 11:29 pm #

      Thankyou so much for your reply.

      Everybody keeps telling me pretty much everything you just said so I’m holding onto that.

      I think I just struggle with the most that he doesn’t see me the way he used to anymore and he will never again. He will never say he loves me or look at me the way he used to.

      Breaks my heart.

      We were best friends before we got together too.

      I think you’re right about the avoiding knowing about what he is doing. I think it would drag the process backwards. Especially if I found out he was with someone else.

      How did you get rid of that hope that your ex might come back? I feel thats whats holding me back.

      Anyway thank you for your reply again:)

    • Harry January 6, 2015 at 11:56 am #


      Your posts has given me hope it is so thought worthy and insightful. What you write has so much truth and meaning to it. I am 2 months into my break with the girl I was with for 6 years….im having ups and downs but slowly I am starting to rebuild myself up and feel confident about myself. It is still very early days for me of course and I have had no contact for 2 months apart from a letter she sent me and a text on xmas day. The hardest part is not knowing what she is doing, but then again im telling myself not to focus on her but to focus on me and what makes me happy and not to be someone that im not.

  25. Stanley June 17, 2014 at 12:10 pm #

    Ooooh girl, how badly I wished she comes back. She even kept me in that loop of hoping by saying certain things about friendship and keeping her doors open that maybe one day we will get back together.

    After few weeks and some shit talking on both sides she started hating me so much that she was not even able to say hi and I was the reason she hated all the men.
    I wanted to make everyhing better but the more a tried the more messed up it all became. I wish I had the will to just shut up and let it flow and then go. I would have save myself a lot of pain. You cannot make anyone like or love you.

    If you really love someone you should be able to let go. Love is not an ownership.
    It took me quite a while to accept the fact that she is not coming back. You cannot un-love in matter of days. It takes time but it is possible.

    I said to myself that this is the way it is. I accepted that I cannot change it. That it happened for a reason although I did not know that reason at the time but in due time I will get to know. It would happen anyway and if we are going to be back together again it will happen but I cannot speed that up. I started to focus more on myself on what I want and did not get in that releationship. Start learning how to love yourself more cuz I did hate myself at that time. Step by step, day after day, the intensity of the feelings will lower.

    Just realize that you do not have to lose that person completely forever. That was what worried me the most at the time. I did not want to lose her forever. She is quite a nice person and a friend now. Though I do not love her anymore I am glad that she is still around can talk to her but just not in the way I used to when we dated. She no longer hates me and I bet that she realizes now as well that I am not such an asshole as she used to think cuz of the bad break up.

    However, keep the no contact. It is about you right now, it is about you getting better. It does not mean that you will not see him or talk to him ever again. Give yourself enough time to get over it. Trust me, in due time you will start seeing things differently. I cried like a baby the first week after the realization that we are not getting back toghether anytime soon. Guess what? It helped a lot.

    I promised to myself that I was going to get over it no matter how long it was gonna take or how hard it was going to be. I made a challenge out of it just for myself. My personal goal. I knew I was gonna feel like shit and that there were going to be bad and good days but at the end I will prevail. It was not my first break up. I realized that after each break up no matter how bad I felt at that time someone new came by who was more loving, who adored me and wanted to be with me. Why should it be different this time? All I had to do was let go off the love for her and discover love for myself. The very same love that I will be able to give and share with someone new.

    • Nina June 18, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

      Wow thank you so much for that:)

      It really helps when someone puts things into perspective. I pretty much only stopped crying all the time about 2 months after the breakup. I was pretty devestated. I haven’t cried in about 2 weeks.

      I think I just finally said to myself, ok enough is enough. I have to get my shit together. I have to push myself to be pro active in this whole moving on thing.

      I think that’s a big thing I struggled with at the start like you said was that I was losing this amazing person in my life. I have no anger towards him but I know right now I’m not strong enough to see him or know what he is doing etc. I need to avoid it. I dont think we could ever be friends because I could never be ok seeing him with another girl.

      Anyway, thank you. Im glad you are in a better space too:)

  26. SHIRLEY July 25, 2014 at 3:17 pm #

    i went thru the same phase . all on- off relationship and got myself hurt very badly . he wud say he will be friends only to understand each other better so to make a fulfiiling relationship but i realized that the problems in the relationships were overloooked, i was just continuing to fill my sorrow and loneliness , i have taken recovery phase seriously and determined to make myself happy 🙂 thanku eddie

  27. Jessica Valencia September 6, 2014 at 5:34 pm #

    Thank you for your beautiful words. I felt some type of peace of mind on reading it. I didn’t want to believe in the betrayal, but I guess its true what everyone has told me. I should have never played with fire. I will do as it said here and let go… It will be a process but I will forgive him and myself for allowing it to happen. I should have known better.

  28. Trustedbestfriend November 27, 2014 at 1:57 am #

    Hey, I’m here to help everyone here who is in dire situation of a break-up withdrawal syndrome. A living dead life.
    My bf broke up with me a few days ago and during the first 2 day, I tried to contact him again to mend the relationship but to no avail. I deleted all the photos and put aside all the gifts he gave to forget him.
    It was really the toughest days and I know most of you will agree the feeling of loss and regret. I tried to think and think, and came out with a conclusion.

    Dependence of others for happiness is the cause of hurt and loss.

    Many of us, in a relationship, depends on your other side to be there for you, encouraging you and give you happiness. You tend to rely on them so much that you feel so dark and lost after the break-up. You’ll want to go back to where that light has shone for you.

    I was still confused and dark yesterday and start to chant, going online to search the meaning of that chant but came across another chant that my ex taught me before. Heartache, I can’t bring myself to forget him because he’s always the one who light my path and lift me up when I’m down. Since that chant reminded me of him, I remembered the poem I read written from Lang Leav: Angel.

    It says that some point of your life you meet an angel who lights your path but warning- do not fall in love with him for he’s there not to save you but to teach you to save yourself. The halo and angel will leave him and you’re all by yourself, becoming the light for others who are as desperate as you were. It’s dark surrounding you now especially when you just broke up, but remember: it’s dark because the light is in you, you can’t see it but others can.

    I’ve come to acknowledge the fact that the angel left him and he’ll be a total stranger to me. However, the angel legacy will still be in me, just not in the future. I think this is called letting go. Now, I’m more comfortable with seeing his gifts because those were the PAST angel’s gift to let me learn to be independent.

    This also made me learn one thing about love, don’t mistaken love with dependence. There’s a quote saying about authentic love: “I’m 100% fine without you, but 100% better with you.” Try to say this and you’ll get better.

    Feel free to reply me. Thank you, I hope I helped.

    • Charlie January 9, 2016 at 7:50 pm #

      How are you doing now?
      Great post. Thanks.

  29. Carrie January 21, 2015 at 8:02 am #

    This is going to sound absolutely insain but,…I was in a longterm relationship where this person I had fell in love with, I ended up putting my heart & soul into loving this person and basically made a promise to myself that id never give up loving this person no matter how hard things got and that they were my drive of my entire life. All I am & all that made me who I am, came from me loving this person as much as I have. Its been now about 3years me & this guy havent been together, but we still keep in contact & are still close. We both made mistakes in finding other people & then realized it wasnt what we wanted. We still talk about the past to eachother & how we used to be. Im not sure how my story is going to end…but I know deep inside my heart, if two people havent let go & its already been years they havent been together & they still are thinking about it, then maybe they are meant to be. Maybe breaking up & forgetting the person isnt really the way to go. Maybe the right way to go is to just follow your heart instead of ignoring it. I hope the day comes where im happy & I end up with him. I cant let him go & I dont think hes ready to let me go either. Maybe this is my happy ending. Im not going to give up on my heart or the one true person I love, I cant imagine it, that is why I cant do this.

  30. Robert March 11, 2015 at 7:27 pm #

    It’s time to letting her go for good…I’ll write the letter, there’s so much i wanted to say, almost ten years of pointless suffer, thank you. You helped me a lot.

  31. illuminating May 22, 2015 at 1:58 pm #

    How to vent out emotionally without contacting him? write letters to some fake email ID? or?

  32. Lewis February 14, 2016 at 11:00 am #

    Can anybody tell me what to do? I want to die.I cannot handle this pain. I loved her so much.I did everything she asked me to do I swear I was always there for her. Not once did I let her down. She used to tell me please never change and never leave me and I promised her I would always be there for her and I was. Then suddenly she started talking less to me.Late night phone calls which lasted a good 3-4 hours changed into 10-15 minute texts per day. I didn’t know what to do. She said she had some problems but I told her I was there for her..yet she kept pushing me away. I cannot explain how much that hurt and how much I used to cry. Once I asked her if she loved me even a little so she said No not yet..but if I spend time with you obviously I will eventually love instead of giving up I stayed with her and gave her everything I had..every single day. Now 2 days ago we talked after almost a week and I felt really good..I told her my mood was much better and everything felt good again. She told me not to be dependent so much on her and not to prioritise her. But she didn’t understand that she was always my only priority. I asked her why she was saying all this and then she told me that she liked me as a human..that I was a really good man..but she didn’t love me..she didn’t feel anything for me. I mean how could she? The times we spent together for 5 months..we used to talk about marrying each other all the time..I mean we’re still only 20..but I was committed to her. Then she tells me this. I cannot explain how I felt. I asked her how could she play with my feelings like this..she said that I was the one who took things the wrong way..there was nothing like this between us. I cry everyday and everynight..I am over and over reminded of all the things she used to say and then what she just said..I don’t know what to do I just want to die..And the greatest pain I’m feeling is that I cannot be away from her because we are in the same class in the same I cannot avoid her. I don’t know what to do.. If I ever saw her ..I would not be able to stop crying ..let alone if I saw her talking to boys. Can someone please help me..please 🙁

  33. Riverways September 27, 2016 at 7:38 am #

    This made me laugh (while still crying). I’m a river advocate. I can burn the letter but I cannot throw crap into a river.

    How about instead throwing it into a trash can, recycle bin, or even GO physically to your local landfill and chuck it into their crusher machine?

    Please don’t litter in your river, especially that crap from your ex.

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