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Are You Too Addicted To The Past?

This is a another guest article from our dear reader and contributer Darren Fletcher.

“Son let me tell you a story, It’s one of the reasons I loved Missing (the Ex) so much.” My son turned to me with a look of sincerity in his eyes.

“You know where that bike shop is in McHenry Village?”

“Yeah I know McHenry Village Its where that Mexican restaurant is…” he answered.

“Right. Well one day early in 2010 Missing and I decided to head over to the bike shop because we were interested in getting into cycling for fitness and fun. When we parked and got out of the car we noticed a young man about your age (20) who was homeless and looked quite sad. Missing said: ‘Wait here’.

The rest unfolded in a surreal way for me.

She approached the young man and quietly offered to buy him a sandwich next door. She led him by the hand into the shop and told him to order whatever he wanted and we would pay. The young man slowly gave his order and moments later his food arrived. He took his food slowly walked outside and away, thanked us and I will never forget the very gentle smile he displayed as he slowly walked away.

All of these moments passed by for me like a dream. I was involved but more as an observer caught in an emotional moment. She had tactfully given this soul his dignity and a meal, handling the entire matter in a way so as to not draw attention. She never spoke down to him or raised her voice. She was very considerate to his situation and feelings. She had displayed true compassion and empathy. My heart swelled with love and pride for her.

I walked over to the bench outside as she said goodbye to him and wished him well. Then she slowly approached me her head tilted slightly trying to read my emotion. She sat next to me and said: ‘you ok?’

Words wouldn’t come. I simply sat and gently wept. We shared a quiet moment before I gathered myself and we walked into the bike shop. This act of kindness truly endeared her to me and reminded me very much of my mother.

“Do you understand a bit more now Son how I could have loved her so deeply?” I said trying to explain my feelings.

My eyes once again fogged a bit recalling this story. My son looked over at me and softly said: “Dad when are you going to stop talking about her, not for my sake but for yours?”

This was a loving reminder of what I knew all too well. I was still showing an addiction to the past, and if I was to move forward I would have to beat this addiction and learn to live in the present.

One of my favorite songs played in my head:

“What we are is what we talk about, might sound strange to you, what we choose is what it’s all about, all it takes is you” (Kip Winger – What We Are).

Ever found yourself living in a moment only to discover an hour just went by? And the moment isn’t now it was a moment from your past. Instead of driving by your past and waving you stopped and spent the night. You talk to your friends about your ex until they are sick of hearing about it, rolling their eyes initiating shutdown.

Addiction is a strong word. The Chambers 20th Century Dictionary describes addiction as:

“a slave to a habit or device, inclined or given up to, a habit that has become impossible to break”

Have you been honest in admitting to your addiction to the past?

We must face it head on with knowledge and understanding. The previous story I related gave me insight into just how much and how often I was visiting the past. It really had become addictive behavior. I was trying to validate feelings and emotions to others as well as convince myself by going back there in my mind over and over.

Why?

Each of us must answer that question honestly by looking deep within at what’s really missing in our lives.

We should also be patient and understanding with those who are facing this addiction lovingly reminding them: “Keep driving. Don’t stop. We aren’t there yet”.

Look at it another way. The past is dead, we can’t live there. Nothing lives there except memories, pictures and stories; some of them are quite powerful. The fact is if we spend too much time there our minds and emotions can slowly die back there too leaving little for what’s real – the here and now. Energy goes wasted – energy and emotion that needs to be used as fuel for the present and planning the future.

Now that is a healthier place to dwell.

Stop and smell the roses, enjoy the laughter of the moment. Plan that trip. Imagine yourself happy with another. The focus will sharpen over time and Eddie Corbano has many articles on this site that will give you some specific guidance on living in the now. Take this as a simple reminder that you too could be addicted. Recognize the signs, keep notes daily of what is on your mind and make sure and write something hopeful that refers to the future every day. Celebrate the little victories with yourself and others.

For instance: an hour without painful memories or tears. A day being productive and staying busy at work without obsessing over your ex. Time WILL be your friend you may just be pissed at him right now. Its ok He will forgive you.

So remember the next time you are driving by that favorite spot on the highway in your mind just wave and tell yourself: “Keep driving. Don’t stop. We aren’t there yet.”

Darren Fletcher

(Photograph is a courtesy of stp243)

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77 Responses to Are You Too Addicted To The Past?

  1. Michael March 31, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    I needed to read this today. Over a month has passed since my life has been devastated. My woman of over two years walked out. I lost the dogs, my future wife, my reason to work so hard, and my sanity in one week. She got engaged to the man she was having an affair with in just five days after moving out. I have not been able to “live” since that day. I don’t sleep, and when I do I dream about her. I walk around like a zombie thinking about her. All the time. During the times that I am able to focus on something else I intentionally start dwelling on her, and the life we were supposed to have. It’s my only connection and I’m scared to move on into the unknown. As much as I would like to start living again, I don’t want to let her go in my mind. It’s slowly eating away at me costing me everything. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m too weak to handle this. I’m scared to live without her. I’m scared of letting her go. I miss her and the life we had so much I randomly break into tears and mourn the loss. I want to be strong enough to move on. I want to not let this define who I am in a negative way. I want to have the courage to let go and face the future. I’m scared. No, I’m terrified.

    • Bedshaped March 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

      Michael, I just felt and breathed every word you said and can relate so much. Everything you are feeling is what I am going through too. Be Strong.

    • Pam March 31, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

      What an honest post, thank you. Michael, because you are strong enough to know that you want/must move on and not have this change you for the worst you will, but it does take time so be patient. We all want the hurt to go away right away but i think we learn from this hurt and I always maintain that it’s better to feel something (even if its not what we want to feel) than nothing because this means that you are alive and that means positive posibilities. Don’t be scared, be excited for your future. You are in control of how you face this. Yes, there are going to be bad days, but then there are going to be a lot of good days too. Cherish and grow in those good days so that the bad days don’t feel too bad. When things are very overwhelming, you know you’ll find a bunch of friends here to get you through it :). Big hug

    • Cab April 1, 2011 at 7:40 am #

      I’m sorry Michael, it really sucks what you are describing. You lost your dogs too? Get your own doggy! Making plans about realizing something new like that will place your mind on something different. Just remember that it is normal to think about the past in your situation and you’re NOT weak because you are suffering right now. Your brain is fighting for self preservation so it does what then brain knows how to do, the problem is that you can’t think your way out of hurt or other things you don’t have control over. My advice is allow yourself to feel the hurt but treat yourself well too, good meals, rest and whatever you can think about that you like to do. For me it’s been helpful to read about other people’s experiences with lost, it makes me feel less alone, so thumbs up for Eddie Corbanos’s website, it is filled with very good advice and genuine feeling.

  2. Eddie Corbano March 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    Thank you Darren for this wonderful article.

  3. Anonymous March 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

    Thank you so much for this splendid article. I’ll remind myself to drive on bravely down this rocky road, because I know I’m not there yet. I’ll learn to live for the present, neither the past nor the future. Keep up the good work and positive attitude Darren!

  4. Determined March 31, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    Thank you for this article Darren. My breakup was over 9 months ago. I have had varying success with no contact, going between 3 months to 2 weeks without contact, but then I give into her when she contacts me with lies about getting back together.
    Since my breakup has happened for sometime, I feel I haven’t made much progress.
    How long were you in this phase of living in memories before you were able to start to snap out of it?

    • Darren March 31, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

      Determined

      Great question! Please thank Eddie for the article without him no one would ever see my musings..

      I never try to put a time limit on things, I hate stereotypes and labels. Each individual may have a different timeline with regard to revovery, pain, addiction and finding love again. Only recently have I got a handle on my addiction to the past. I got the idea some time ago when I read a quote in Awake magazine from a girl who struggled with lonliness and had to overcome her addition to the past in order to move forward and make new friends. I realized then how much time I spent dwelling on the past, both good and bad memories. That conversation with my son became the catalyst for the article since I felt I had now come full circle and seen through the eyes of an observer. Remember with all things in life balance is needed if you spend all day recalling how life was back in the day, can you thus say you are using your time most wisely?

      • Determined March 31, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

        Thank you Darren and of course Eddie, who’s articles I re-read over and over when my monkey brain isn’t the right place. I gather we should not be so hard on ourselves. And if our time was not used wisely in the past its never too late to pick ourselves up and get on the right track. We owe it to ourselves not to waste any More time.

      • Eddie Corbano April 1, 2011 at 8:35 am #

        Darren, this is all you, all I did was give you a little “push” :).

  5. Darren March 31, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

    I wanted to take a moment to thank those who have helped me enormously over the last weeks and months. Tracy for inspiration , Astra for editing, Michele for the photo help, Aston for helping me see my addiction with new eyes. To all the LAG readers who encouraged me, thank you. I will contribute as long as Eddie allows it.

    Lastly to EC, you have been a great friend and coach. I will be a better human because you helped me.

    Fletch

  6. Anonymous March 31, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

    Great article Darren! But I’ve got a question – how do you get over your addiction to the future? My ex broke up with me 2 months ago – and sure sometimes I still think of the past – especially of a great vacation we took together. But most of problem is being consumed with the future – the fear that I’ll never be ever to find what I felt with my ex again, the fear that no matter how long I wait I’m always going to be trying to fill a loneliness, the fear that I’m going to be alone forever, the fear of getting hurt again. My head isn’t addicted to the memories of them – my head is addicted that I’ll never find someone to make memories like this again. I get so emotional when thinking about these things – and I can waste hours agonizing, worrying, crying. I tried to read the Power of Now and I’m going to therapy but I can’t get out of my own head – worrying that I’m not going to find someone.

    • Darren March 31, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

      Well JJ reading and therapy are healthy things to do. I also suggest you write down your feelings, especially on paper. The process of writing down something physically with pen and paper is quite powerful, all these wonderful connections happen.

      1. Make a list of all the things you worry about…

      Easy list you already started right, lonliness, being hurt, not loving again.

      2. Make a second list of all the things you can effect change to…

      Now the second list is important because it might contain things like changing your appearance, new clothes, working out, planning a trip, goals at work or school, savings account, spiritality and faith, next relationship (yes thats right next relationship), list the things you really want in a companion but more importatly how you want to be for them which requires adjustment and strength of your charactar.

      ALL Things YOU know can be effected by your actions.

      I will quote Eddie here;

      “Work on yourself after your break up. See it as a rare
      opportunity to identify and resolve your problems.

      One day you will be the person you’ve always wanted to be –
      independent and strong.

      And then you will be ready to have anything you wish for,
      even the long term relationship you’ve been dreaming of”.

      hang tough JJ

      Fletch

      • Anonymous March 31, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

        Thanks Darren – you’re a great contributor to this site. I have been writing a lot. Sometimes I feel so weak – that I should be able to get over this. I’m young but I feel so old at the same time – that I’m running out of time. I think that’s why I put all this pressure on myself – to figure out everything right now. I’ve always been independent and I was single until this relationship when I was 25 – and I don’t even think I was co-dependent in the relationship. I’m know that I don’t need someone to have fun and be happy – I’ve done it before. But I want someone to share life with it, someone to love and to love me – and what I get scared about it is that I’m never going to find that. And I’m in such a rush because I feel the longer I wait the less of a chance I have for that to happen.

    • Darren March 31, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

      Well JJ reading and therapy are healthy things to do. I also suggest you write down your feelings, especially on paper. The process of writing down something physically with pen and paper is quite powerful, all these wonderful connections happen.

      1. Make a list of all the things you worry about…

      Easy list you already started right, lonliness, being hurt, not loving again.

      2. Make a second list of all the things you can effect change to…

      Now the second list is important because it might contain things like changing your appearance, new clothes, working out, planning a trip, goals at work or school, savings account, spiritality and faith, next relationship (yes thats right next relationship), list the things you really want in a companion but more importatly how you want to be for them which requires adjustment and strength of your charactar.

      ALL Things YOU know can be effected by your actions.

      I will quote Eddie here;

      “Work on yourself after your break up. See it as a rare
      opportunity to identify and resolve your problems.

      One day you will be the person you’ve always wanted to be –
      independent and strong.

      And then you will be ready to have anything you wish for,
      even the long term relationship you’ve been dreaming of”.

      hang tough JJ

      Fletch

    • Eddie Corbano April 1, 2011 at 8:30 am #

      Let me tell you one thing.

      Back then, when my own breakup happened I was absolutely certain I would NEVER find someone

      – as close to me as she was –> I met someone who is much closer to me
      – with whom I can laugh with as I laughed with her –> I found someone who understands my kind of humor better
      – who I can love like her –> I never knew what love and happiness were until I met my wife
      – with whom I can share my deepest thoughts with –> I met someone who listens, cares and gives solid advice
      – as good looking as her –> my wife is all the beauty I need

      By finding someone who is so different than my Ex, I only realized what I was missing all these years with her.

      What I want to say is: Don’t trust your beliefs and your thoughts right now, they are fear-driven. Everything will turn out different than you think, IF you have the endurance to live through the pain without the fatal shortcuts (rebound, reconciliation).

      You will be fine, believe me.

      This experience will give you strength and wisdom for your future (love)life. And eventually you WILL find the perfect partner, much better than your Ex.

      Just take my word for it.

      • Anonymous April 1, 2011 at 10:23 am #

        Eddie, thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed to hear these. JJ and I keep exchanging messages about our fear about the future.

        And me being a 26 yr old Bengali face this ridiculous amount of pressure from family and the society at large.

        After spending 6 years in the USA on my own since 17, I thought all the struggle had prepared me for a life even if it is in Afghanistan.
        Little did I know. This break up has created a mental state that makes me feel as if I am in Kabul. With no concrete career/goal/passion/anything to call my own, I wake up in sweat every morning frantically wondering what to do with this life.

        Thank you for this site – it’s served as a lifebuoy to me.

        • Anonymous April 1, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

          ND – you have been a wonderful friend on this site to me. As much I don’t want anyone to go through what I’m going through – it is helpful to have someone to relate to – and I think you feel the same. I understand the pressures you feel, although I’m sure mine are certainly not has huge as yours. I think the biggest obstacle is the pressure we are putting on ourselves. We are smart, beautiful, loving, and thoughtful women – capable of giving someone an amazing gift of love. We shouldn’t think that we’ll never find someone – but our self-esteem is so raw right now and our experiences now only tell us of loss. It’s so hard for me to get out of the mindset – to think that nothing is going to go right for me. All we can hope for is to work hard and eventually things will start to fall into place. Stay strong girl!

      • Anonymous April 1, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

        Eddie – thank you so much. It is wonderful to hear those words from you. The thoughts that go through my head right now are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and it feels like I’ve been here so long. I’m pressuring myself – to feel better, to start dating, to snap out of it. I’m so afraid of my own decision making that I just don’t do anything sometimes. Can I ask you – did you just know you were ready to get back out there and start dating? I just want to meet nice people and know that there are other people out there who I can get along with other than my ex. I’m not trying to get into another relationship right away. Am I just going to wake up one day and think “Ok I’m ready”? or do I just have to dip my foot out there and see what happens?

      • Janine March 18, 2013 at 9:23 am #

        Thanks for making this comment Eddie.
        Its only been a week since the breakup but i’m already scared that I will never find someone like him, i’ll never be as happy with anyone like I was with him. I am definitely addicted to the past but addicted to a future as well with him. I feel like I dont have a future if its not with him. I know its early days but I feel like i’m always going to have this thing called “hope”, I dont know how to let go of it  I need to get over the past/present/future addiction of him. Its hard to imagine that I will be happy with someone else one day but you give me hope Eddie!!

  7. Astra April 1, 2011 at 12:06 am #

    “A slave ….” I like that you posted the dictionary deffinition.

    It’s amazing how we can be a slave to our own memories. It reminds me of a story I read somewhere about an eagle. The eagle had been chained for it’s entire life to a post, and every day it walked in circles forming a trail around the post. One day, the bird was sold to a man who felt sorry for it and wanted to set it free. But when the eagle was free, it went right back to walking in circles. That was all it knew how to do. The eagle didn’t realize it had been set free.

    So, what can set us free from this? Only accepting the truth. “The truth will set you free.” Our mind and heart can only be held captive by what it doesn’t understand or don’t accept. We will understand that we are free only when we stop walking in the mental rut of where we used to be to and realize we have wings. Yes, it may take work to learn how to use them, and we might even be afraid of flying, but in the end it’s a choice. We must choose to accept it, feel the pain, and let go of the past we’ve become so accustomed to.

    I read several responses that talk about being chained to future hopes. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as an addiction to the future. All those hopes and dreams come from wanting to re-live wonderful past experiences. The problem with living in the past is, as you said so well, we stop living now. Each day is the first day of the rest of our lives. Conquering any addiction is very painful … I should know. Anyone who’s read my posts knows I’ve been struggling with this.

    Thank you, Darren, for sharing from your heart.

    • BStrong April 1, 2011 at 3:51 am #

      Darren,
      What a wonderful article, one that so many of us can relate to at a personal level. I too agree with Astra including the true definition of “addiction”. Astra, the eagle is a wonderful example of the habits and addictions we form and not intentionally. We has humans though realize what we are doing and the eagle sadly only knows habit. This is an important point to observe in that we are aware of what we are doing. Unfortunately being aware does not always make a difference in stopping the addiction.

      I personally can relate to spending a moment which turned into an hour and then that hour turned into an entire day and what did this dwelling do for me? Many wasted days at work, with friends, and more dwelling on the past that is dead as Darren highlighted in his article. I cannot take that time back but after reading your article Darren and Eddie I realize that there are many alternatives that we can explore and should as this is the only way to recovery. Thank you Darren for such an insightful article and I especially enjoyed the picture, looking back in the review mirror, so easy to catch a glimpse there….

      Just keep driving, DON’T stop there whatever it is in the rear view mirror….

  8. Bedshaped April 1, 2011 at 8:05 am #

    Thank you Darren.. Really thank you! After reading your article over and over last night I picked up my copy of the book “The power of your subconcious mind” and started re reading it. Gotta let go of the addiction. I have got to let go..

    • Darren April 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm #

      You are very welcome! We all have work to do and the job is never done….

    • Astra April 1, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

      I absolutely loved that book. Since you like reading, here are two more that I’ve read that are awesome: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. Both excellent reading, in my oppinion.

      • Bedshaped April 2, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

        Hi Astra, I also have the Seven spiritual laws book too. I havent made a start on it yet. Ive scanned a few pages but will delve deeper once Im finished with the first book 🙂 I may have to invest in the Power of now too.

  9. Bedshaped April 1, 2011 at 8:05 am #

    Thank you Darren.. Really thank you! After reading your article over and over last night I picked up my copy of the book “The power of your subconcious mind” and started re reading it. Gotta let go of the addiction. I have got to let go..

  10. Anna K. April 1, 2011 at 11:50 am #

    You know what really keeps messing me up? Dreams. I forget about my ex because I’m keeping busy, planning my future, enjoying the life I’m living now and whenever he pops in my head consciously choose not to, thinking NO and saying that’s over! And even flirting with other guys…. And doing great but then I go to sleep…. and I dream those dreams, where it’s usually about somehow getting in touch again, or still being in the relationship reliving all the good and bad …. and the next morning I can’t stop thinking about it and feel down all the time missing him so bad….. I just want it to be over already it’s been 7 months for f*ck sake!

    • Darren April 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm #

      Anna, subscibe to Eddie’s newsletter there is a great article on dreams. Really awesome stuff! If you need a copy let me know and I can forward the article to you via email.

      • Anna K. April 3, 2011 at 10:41 am #

        Oh right! I have subscribed back then when we broke up I still got that email! Forgot about this… I will try analyze those dreams from now on. It’s just too obvious my subconscious is trying to tell me something… it’s just so exhausting…. 🙁 I want him back but I don’t want to want him back … and I find myself looking after guys who remind me of him in a way…. And I realize that I’m a long way from ready to find someone who is right for me because right now I know that the only reason I’m looking for someone new is to fill the hole my ex left behind and it will only hurt more to find out it was wrong.
        But now that I write about it I realize that my ex was also kind of filling a hole…. the hole that my father left behind when he died….
        I guess I have to deal with that in the first place…. still I dream about my ex, not my father….. it’s so confusing….

      • Seeking Peace April 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

        I would love a copy of that because I am tortured now by this very thing. My own dreams are like an anchor keeping me suffering

  11. Cami April 1, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

    I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday; I ran really hard, and hit the weights even harder. I don’t like the way some people treat me. They take advantage of my kindness, and I let them. I enjoy being kind to other people, but I am thinking about myself now, and I don’t like it when people take advantage of me–they are just using me!

    I have been thinking: This man that I profess to love so deeply has not bothered to text, email, phone, or send one outdated messenger pigeon to find out how I am doing in the past 5 months of NC. Maybe I am just kidding myself. Sure all of this love stuff sounds nice, but where is he? I keep thinking about two things: “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional,” and I read a lot about ACCEPTANCE yesterday; I am wondering if I am just not accepting the situation–maybe I have created a fairy tale, so that this pill is easier to swallow. It hurts so much to think that I was the only one in this…. At some point, he WANTED OUT, and he left to go live his life without me. Ouch! That really hurts! It just hurts, and I cannot get my mind around it because he said he loved me. But if he really cared about me…. I just don’t see it. If you care about someone you would show it. I read a site that featured dumpers, and they all said pretty much the same thing–it was over for them, or the person wasn’t the one. It is not like we can’t be together; he just doesn’t want to be with me, and you know what . I have changed my mind; I am not going to store him in my heart because he doesn’t deserve it!!!!! I am not going to carry him with me for the rest of my life like some poetic scar! I am going to let him fall out! Now! “Just get out of my heart!” Right now! It is OVER! I can handle the pain, and I am ready to go through the pain, and I know I will have to continue to fight these memories and dreams, and whatever my feelings bring my way, but I REFUSE to suffer forever. Feelings are just that feelings, and sometimes they lie…. I am tired of the lies I tell myself; the lies are holding me back–only the truth can set you free…”and this too shall pass….”

    An ex-slave, 5 Months-NC
    Cami

    • teeenybubbles April 1, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

      Cami, as ‘the dumper’ I have to say that the decision to leave did not come easily. For my LTR, it took months of agonizing. Months of asking myself if I could live without this person, and for many nights and days, the answer was no – at least not yet. My ex was (at the time) unemployed for 2.5 years. He withdrew emotionally, lost his fire and stopped sleeping with me. I was lonely and started to questions my own self-worth. “If my own boyfriend won’t pay attention to me or sleep with me, who will?” My staying would have enabled him to continue on this path. He loved and adored me, but the dynamic that we had entered was destructive. To save us both – because I love us both – I left.

      I felt guilty, sad, and angry. I questioned my decision every single day. I missed him. We lived together and he was my best friend. But I knew it could never be the same. I know it hurt hm deeply that I left. So, to be kind, I leave him alone.

      My point is, sometimes you really do love someone… and love them enough to let them go, because keeping them around for the sake of not rocking the boat would be destructive and miserable for you both.

      *hugs* to you Cami.

      • Darren April 1, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

        Teeeny

        This is very true. I have been both D’s and neither is easy. Ultimately though NC is better for them and us regardless of which D we are.

        Thanks

        Fletch

      • Cami April 3, 2011 at 3:49 am #

        Thanks Teeeny for sharing. I hear what you are saying.
        Hugs,
        Cami

    • Darren April 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm #

      Cami

      Two things came to mind after reading your post..

      1. They changed there mind about us. It happens, painful but true.

      2. We now have to change our minds about them for all the reasons you described.

      Smile 😉 you are doing well

      Fletch

      • Cami April 3, 2011 at 3:54 am #

        Thanks Darren, and thank you again for the wonderful article. This healing process is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do.

        Truly,
        Cami

    • Seeking Peace April 5, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

      Short and to the point Cami, absolutely fabulous post! Positivity to the max. I am trying to get there too. I feel exactly the same during the day. I do well when I am awake, but sadly I cannot control my dreams. I dream about her every night and wake up feeling like she just left all over again. I am gonna try to remember what you wrote above to repeat to my self when I am aware of the those dreams. Thanks for sharing your affirmation!

    • EAM May 27, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

      Wao Cami, I just started visiting the site and have been reading all day long and your posting is one of the most compelling that I have read so far. I haven’t posted my experience yet but I guess I’ll do so in time. What I identify myself with your writing is the fact that even though I threatened to leave it was her who in the end had more courage to do it after 29 yrs, been unfaithful, had left me on several times and in the end she leaves saying that it has been a waste like she is the only one who has suffered pain. And now she acts in the same way your partner is acting like I don’t even exist and here I am like an idiot trying to figure out how am I to compose myself and survive.

  12. Cami April 1, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

    I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday; I ran really hard, and hit the weights even harder. I don’t like the way some people treat me. They take advantage of my kindness, and I let them. I enjoy being kind to other people, but I am thinking about myself now, and I don’t like it when people take advantage of me–they are just using me!

    I have been thinking: This man that I profess to love so deeply has not bothered to text, email, phone, or send one outdated messenger pigeon to find out how I am doing in the past 5 months of NC. Maybe I am just kidding myself. Sure all of this love stuff sounds nice, but where is he? I keep thinking about two things: “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional,” and I read a lot about ACCEPTANCE yesterday; I am wondering if I am just not accepting the situation–maybe I have created a fairy tale, so that this pill is easier to swallow. It hurts so much to think that I was the only one in this…. At some point, he WANTED OUT, and he left to go live his life without me. Ouch! That really hurts! It just hurts, and I cannot get my mind around it because he said he loved me. But if he really cared about me…. I just don’t see it. If you care about someone you would show it. I read a site that featured dumpers, and they all said pretty much the same thing–it was over for them, or the person wasn’t the one. It is not like we can’t be together; he just doesn’t want to be with me, and you know what . I have changed my mind; I am not going to store him in my heart because he doesn’t deserve it!!!!! I am not going to carry him with me for the rest of my life like some poetic scar! I am going to let him fall out! Now! “Just get out of my heart!” Right now! It is OVER! I can handle the pain, and I am ready to go through the pain, and I know I will have to continue to fight these memories and dreams, and whatever my feelings bring my way, but I REFUSE to suffer forever. Feelings are just that feelings, and sometimes they lie…. I am tired of the lies I tell myself; the lies are holding me back–only the truth can set you free…”and this too shall pass….”

    An ex-slave, 5 Months-NC
    Cami

  13. Anonymous April 1, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    I know that the past has nothing for me – and what I had with my ex there is over. I keep coming back to same thoughts though. For me, I hold onto the past because I’m afraid I’ll never feel that way again in the future. It’s not even about him – its about the excitement I felt with him, the feeling I had being so close to someone. I hold onto that cause I’m scared of never having that feeling that again. It’s scary – because as much as I can try to be happy by myself – I know that what I really want is to be with someone and share life and have a family.

    • Anonymous April 4, 2011 at 7:08 am #

      JJ … I’ve felt what you are feeling. But I also think I’m going to miss out on a lot more if I don’t take charge. It hasn’t been easy. And it didn’t come naturally. I had to force myself to stop thinking about him, about fear. And believe me I’m still working on it – it almost feels like I’m walking on a thread of hope, of sanity whatever you call it. But I REFUSE to give in and fall back in that black pit of nothingness, of sad memories and stop living my life.

      You can do it. Put an elastic band on, visualize a stop sign every time the memories come creeping. It’s a training for you mind. Work on it and you’ll see the difference in a week time. Find something about you or your life that you want to improve, take a risk, a challenge and focus on that 100%. It’ll help divert your mind.

      Remember your mind is playing a trick on you -it’s scared and finding any excuse to stop from working, even if it means holding on to torturous memories. You are right, it is a terrible place to be – get yourself out of there – I find it helpful to visualize it as a dark place and drag myself out of it.

      • Anonymous April 4, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

        Thanks ND. I just feel so weak sometimes. I look around at other people who have gone through this and I wonder why I can’t cope. I never thought I was this insecure or lacked this much confidence in myself. I know I’m not trying hard enough to get my mind out of this place – but once it wanders I just get so overwhelmed and so many thoughts keep flooding in. I try to stay busy and do things but I don’t enjoy anything anymore – I’m not excited for anything. I feel like a completely different person and its scary. I’m walking on a thread too – all the time – and most of the time I fall off the wrong way and then I can just lay in bed for a hour crying and reading these posts over and over again. I’ve been working out a lot and that helps me focus and I have a lot to do for school – but when I sit down to do work sometimes I get one thought in my head and then I can’t stop the rest from coming. I hate what this has made me – but I don’t feel strong enough to get out of it.

        • Darren April 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

          You are strong enough! Don’t put yourself in the corner of mediocrity and doom yourself to never seeing past this. You will and it will be in the form of baby steps and recognizing the minutes then hours and finally days of clarity. We ALL want to see you succeed! Never forget that..draw strength from your friends who care about you and want to healthy again.

          Fletch

      • Darren April 4, 2011 at 2:36 pm #

        Thank you very nice post 🙂

  14. Michael April 2, 2011 at 12:22 am #

    Eddie,
    A quick question for you. I hope you have the time to answer.
    I have left several posts on here about my story. I feel like I’ve been making progress, but I keep slipping back to accepting. I have read some of the books you have suggested and very much benefited from the seven spiritual laws of success. For a good portion of the day I feel like I’ve accepted the situation for what it is, and that I will be moving on, completely with time. However, I still wake up wanting her back, and I still get periodic times during the day that I wish she would call, or I fantasize about her coming back. I KNOW it’s not going to happen, but I still “wish” it would. I still imagine her with her new fiance and I get extremely sad about it, thinking about how we were ring shopping just a few months ago. I’m afraid these are signs that I am only kidding myself about accepting, or is this still part of the accepting process? I really feel like the majority of the day I am making huge progress, but those nagging moments during the day are scaring me into believing that I’m not really on the road to recovery. It would mean a lot to get your input on this. I have remained no contact, and can’t wait for the day where I can be indifferent towards her. Even forgive her for the terrible things she has put me through. Thank you so much for this site. It has done wonders for me this month. When the time comes, I will direct the next person to it.

    • Darren April 4, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

      Michael

      Sorry I am not Eddie but I will still comment on your question. In my expreience we all slip back to the acceptance phase..its not just you. Hanging on to threads of hope, the last slowly dying thought that they might change their minds and come to their senses and realize what they have lost. We are not “flip switchers”, this is an expression I use to describe those who seemingly turn a page in their mind and move forward quickly rarely looking back. For “deep feelers” i.e; (US) it is all a painfully slow process, how slow depends on us. We don’t go to bed thinking ……well I am just done with all of this now, when I wake up poof its done…I will be done with it all and will never dream about them again, won’t shed a tear and certainly won’t ever think about how nice things were (not realistic)! It more about the small victories in our minds that lead to better tomorrows, keeping no contact and giving ourselves a break from beating ourselves up all the time. Let me illustrate this way; If you were in a life threatening accident and sustained serious injuries from the accident how might you imagine the physical therapy going….one week and your back to working out, on the job and riding your motorcycle..?

      No my friend. Serious injuries take months of physical therapy maybe more to get back to where we were and perhaps even better in some cases. Yes some people take the opportunity to get in better shape, take better care of themselves, pursue spiritual truth, live a healthier lifestyle and so on. They use the painful opportunity to take their lives to the next level of optomism and health, and to what end? They live more fulfilled lives and are better prepared should it ever happen again.
      Its not flip switching, its a slow recovery process.

      Michael be that guy, the one thinking about getting better and exceeding the potential you have set for yourself.

      You are doing well, hang tough my friend.

      Fletch

      • Michael April 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

        Thank you Darren. I want to thank you, and tell everyone on here that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was a wreck. The girl I had was my world… then I was blindsided. We had everything, and were planning on getting married and having children. We had the house, the car, the dogs, the good job…. everything lined up. We were, or so I thought, happy. Turns out she was cheating and when I found out she moved into the guys house and got engaged to him less than a week later. I know, crazy. And now I see totally mentally insane. I was preparing for some serious dark times ahead…. and I had my fair share of dark days and nights. But this site, and these articles gave me the idea that whatever happened after this situation was on me. It was up to me whether I wanted to give her another day of my life. I don’t. I am a nice honest man, I have a great job, I don’t cheat, and she has no idea what she lost. Not yet at least. I made the list, like I saw Darren suggest to another reader…. all the things I wanted to improve during this OPPORTUNITY and I’m working and focussing on me, so when the RIGHT one comes, I am better than ever. We all deserve to have some one that respects us and loves us for us. It hurts, but it is solely up to us to get through this in a positive manner. Yes, I can see that there will be bad days, and lonely times where we doubt our decision to let go and move on, but those times WILL be fewer and farther between, but only if we work on it. It all starts with us, and what we decide to do and how to benefit from it. It’s during these times that we can find out what kind of men and women we can really be. Don’t beat yourself up during the sad times. It’s normal. But don’t dwell and hold on to them. I am telling you from first hand experience that my decision to make something out of this is changing my world for the better every day. But I had to make that decision to let it go…. it has been the best decision I have made. Again, thank you Darren and Eddie. I have learned so much about me in this week alone, and I can’t wait to continue this journey to the unknown. Your mind is a muscle, exercise it.
        Michael.

  15. Melanie Afshar April 3, 2011 at 7:06 pm #

    This is a wonderful post! Thank you for that 🙂

  16. Prettyinpink2011 April 4, 2011 at 12:44 am #

    This article hit too close. All I have been thinking of when I think of him is the sweet memories. All that made me fall in love with him. Each moment. Each gesture. Each meaningfull word or glance. These are the moments I am so unwilling to give up. But all it does is hurt. All I feel is the pain at not having these moments again. Why can’t I just let them go? The memories that are sweet just keep replaying in my head instead of the bad ones. The horrible arguments. The indifference. The absence. The loss. Those are felt. But the reasons for falling in love are so powerful. Letting go is sad. Letting go means lettting the sweet ones go too. Not thinking of them anymore. I only hope I can get to that point soon.

    • Darren April 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

      You will PIP, work on your mind and exercise it until it is strong enough to hold court. The heart dominates for many and thus we sit still emotionally or even walk backwards towards anything that felt real to us. Exercising productive thought and reinforcement helps.

      I am sure you never want to be hurt like this again PIP, so we examine self..why? Self honesty and learning how we got there to start with and then adjust so we do not arrive there again. Here is an example of a question to ask yourself.

      Is this person someone I would choose to be good friends with today?

      And just fyi, in time good memories become just that, without all the bitter aftertaste. Not a place to live or dwell just a happy picture that makes us smile as we keep driving.

      Fletch

  17. alreadymovedon! April 4, 2011 at 5:15 am #

    I know how you feel. I’ve been there but you have to be strong. Don’t punish yourself by remembering the past as what this article said ” The past is dead, we can’t live there”. Moving on is a conscious decision, and if you really want to move on and stop suffering you have to force yourself not to think of that person and your memories together. During my break up, what I did was when I wake up in the morning I tell my self ” I deserve someone better that will truly love me and won’t hurt me and someone that would return equally the love and the effort I give them.. I’ll get over you and you’ll be out my system” ….

    I hope It’ll help ^^. To me it helped a lot! during the first phase of my break up I thought I would be miserable for years.. but after reading some articles in this site I’ve learn that I can control my life and my thinking. Guess what I got over him in just 3 months! ( it’s still long though.. ^^) but at least my misery period was shorten than what I had expected.. and most importantly I feel really good about myself for overcoming such experience..

    I pray that you’ll get better soon. An i hope that my post will help you and others as well…

    • Darren April 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

      Fantastic post! You have done well and you validated your own work because you proved revovery is possible and could be abbreviated (by forcing your mind to accept the decision, the heart will have to follow) by reinforcing this thought..

      ” I deserve someone better that will truly love me and won’t hurt me and someone that would return equally the love and the effort I give them.. I’ll get over you and you’ll be out my system” ….

      Thank you for sharing success it really helps and for those who live in fear of who they were or what they allowed to happen in their last relationship take solace. You don’t have to re-live the past. Awareness is the key and love is the perfect medicine.

      Fletch

  18. Darren April 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    You are most welcome! Trying to help others has proven to be my own best therapy as well. If one person benefits somehow than it is all worth the effort.

    There really is more happiness in giving than receiving 😉

    I have learned that “Relationship School” much like other schools we attend to better oursleves and learn is just like studying bible truth. The best students never graduate.

    Fletch

  19. Anonymous April 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    Feels like I’ve taken 100 steps backwards this morning. I really miss him a lot and I can’t help worrying I’m never going to feel that way again. I can’t completely let go of all the memories – I want to but I don’t at the same time. What if I never feel this way again? What if these are the only memories I have of feeling this way? Of having this person in my life that can comfort me just be being there. And it doesn’t matter that he didn’t feel the same – because that doesn’t change how I felt. And it doesn’t change what a great person he was – how nice and caring he was, how I knew I could trust him. I feel so beaten down right now, so not myself and it feels like its going to take forever to fix myself – I can’t get my mind free or even under control. I’ve already wasted this whole morning either crying, pacing, or on edge. I tried to go back online dating and I am talking to someone, but I’m not excited at all and I just can’t imagine anyone but him right now.

    • Anonymous April 4, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

      JJ … hun I know this is hard. Rest a little.
      I was like that a week ago. Then I started pretending. I turned every negative thoughts into positive ‘sentences’ – notice that I said sentences, which means my negative thoughts didn’t turn into positive thoughts overnight.

      – Don’t say, “I can’t help worrying I’m never going to feel that way again” – what if you do? say I’m going to feel much better than this, I will experience a love much more intense than this.

      – Don’t say, “What if these are the only memories I have of feeling this way?” – say there are many more years to live and many memories of a new love to make.

      – Don’t say, “it doesn’t matter that he didn’t feel the same – because that doesn’t change how I felt.” – say it matters that I deserve to be loved with the same intensity that matches mine.

      – “… how I knew I could trust him” – say I will love and trust again, because while your ex remains a gentleman in your memory, he certainly isn’t the only gentleman in the world.

      – Turn this negative sentence “… going to take forever to fix myself – I can’t get my mind free or even under control.” – straight into a positive one – you don’t have to feel it, think it, just say, “I am fixed. My mind is free and totally under control.”

      – “I just can’t imagine anyone but him right now.” – yes you can! yes you can! again you don’t have to believe what you are saying right now, just say it.

      JJ… I’m walking on the thread as I’m typing. I’m playing a solo squash session with the memories, negative thoughts and fear. I’m not giving in. They come and I turn them into positive thoughts. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. I hear that affirmations can cause miracles to happen. Well. For me it’s a miracle that I don’t feel the excruciating pain I felt on the first few days, which I thought would last forever.

      Much love.

      • Anonymous April 4, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

        You are absolutely amazing!! I’m going to reread this post over and over again and really try it. I have to be honest – I’ve been dwelling and not even trying to get out of it. Thank you for everything – I just feel like I’m going backwards sometimes. Actually in the past hour I’ve started to feel a bit better – but who knows what tomorrow brings. Thank you! XO

        • Anonymous April 4, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

          “I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said — that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”
          — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

          Here’s the link to more Elizabeth Gilbert quotes that I think you’ll like:
          http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/11679.Elizabeth_Gilbert

          Much love to you 🙂

  20. Darren April 6, 2011 at 8:10 pm #

    Thanks Mina for your post!

    I too realized the same. Many of my patterns of behavior were negative and driven by anxiety and stress. It is also easy to feed off a partners negative behavior in like. I too was not happy with how things were going. Once the shoe dropped I decided to embark on a journey of discovering WHY I had taken on some negative traits and not reacted better under the pressure. Self honesty became a huge issue for me in order to really get to the core of issues and honestly examine the motivating forces behind those learned behaviors. I now understand this school I will never graduate from. I must work contsantly to be the person I want and need to be.

    The good news is we have so much more to bring to the table in a relationship. Understanding others better, being more patient and understanding, loving and kind. Regardless of what others do to us we can choose to treat them the way we would like to be treated. It is not easy but it is the high road and the best way of living.

    Insecurities can really mess with our heads, especially those that are driven by the words of another. None of us will ever be everything to everyone but we can work to make our lives happier and by association those who choose to share our lives.

    Its funny once you get there, you start to put out a vib and draw others to you because of your brightness and happy state of being.

    Thanks again Mina for the encouraging words, you are doing quite well 🙂

    Fletch

  21. Anonymous April 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

    Wow… Mina… these are my feelings and thoughts exactly. Toward the end the insecurity, not being pretty enough (affirmed by his family) really beat me up and I wasn’t happy. It was also the time I lost the qualities of being kind, nice and giving, because I could see that his parents just.didn’t.want. me. Being good was just not enough for them … and I was vastly degraded. I gave up on me.

    I feel what you say. I don’t think I would have learned and found myself any other way. I’m still working on me, and I have only began to realize the worth of this journey.

    I liked what Darren says, “I now understand this school I will never graduate from. I must work constantly to be the person I want and need to be.” It’s important to want that in every situation, and I understand this is why me and ex are in our separate ways.

    Thank you, Mina for posting this. It’s posts like this that assures that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an illusion, it’s real cause I’m not the only one seeing it.

  22. lost April 7, 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    i woke up today n here he was still in my mind. still missing him a lot. when will i wake up without him on my mind. does he ever think of me like i think of him every single free time i get. how does people manage to be in long term relationship. dnt they ever argue or have insecurities. are they perfect human beings who can behave normally and patiently whenever a problem arises. so many questions on my mind??? amnt perfect but amnt wicked either.

    • Darren April 8, 2011 at 4:17 pm #

      Lost

      Successful long term relationships are filled with love, comprimise, giving, sacrifice, humor and commitment. No one has a perfect relationship. Look at the world today, is it any wonder people don’t stay together? Stormy seas are followed by; “Abandon Ship”, people check out before counting the cost and realizing regret may torture them for years.

      I have seen both sides, leaving and having been left and I never want to put myself in that position (because of anything I may do) again. Sometimes we invite it. I need to be a better person, to be a solid strong person with faith, compassion and hope and offer in time total commitment to the other without giving out.

      I need to embrace my values and always treat others the way I wish to be treated.

      Don’t let your questions haunt you, sometimes they just decide to leave and start over. Sometimes they change their minds about things large and small. Don’t beat yourself up.

      What you do now defines YOU. Work on yourself, be better, smarter and next time you will be happier too!

      Take care

      Fletch

      • lost April 9, 2011 at 2:45 am #

        thanx a lot for replying back Darren. some days i feel great i have so much positive outlook but some days are just so horrible i feel so useless. ur absolutely right i will make myself a much better person and looking back at my previous relationship i can observe the transformation in me. from being stubborn , impatient and having big ego i have changed a lot a lot. but i still need to keep improving myself then hopefully when am ready then god will send me my man:))))

        thanx a lot Darren

  23. Anonymous April 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    Reading everything here and all the articles – I realize you have to want to let go to break the addiction. I feel a lot of pain but the reason I keep going through this is deep down I’m not ready to let go. Scared that if I don’t keep thinking of my memories that I’m going to lose them and I risk the possibility that I’ll never find someone that makes me feel like my ex did. I replay everything over and over again – one memory leads to another and then another and then another – and before I know it hours are gone and I’ve exhausted myself mentally and emotionally. It’s been a little over 2 months and I suppose I’m better than when this first happened – I still think about him a lot and really just want him to come back and tell me he misses me and that he made a mistake. I’m going to therapy to try to deal with the anxiety and the depression – but it feels never ending.

    This article should be a wake-up call for me – but I just can’t bring myself to let go. 🙁

    • Darren April 8, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

      Hi from Central California JJ.

      Believe me, its not a one time struggle, wash your hands and sigh relief you are done….ahhhhhh. Not that easy 🙂

      It is a day in and day out struggle. I am almost 6 months in and I can tell you it is a long road….BUT. And this is a big BUT…. lol. We can train ourselves to listen better to what we are really doing and saying that sabatoges our efforts to heal. For me a turning point was my son making that statement. Listen to what genuine friends tell you about where you are at. Listen an observe yourself honestly, this way you will learn and when opportunity arises to be loved again you will not make the same mistakes, you won’t be in that position again. It will be a much better place you are going.

      I just posted a song over on the NC site, sing it, learn it and love it !!

      Fletch

  24. Seeking Peace April 8, 2011 at 6:29 pm #

    I make steps forward and then fall stumbling backwards into this abysss of longing and pain. What a powerful article Darren. I have read every single one one the entire site and this one speaks volumes. I am amazed that all of us have this shared experience that though it has occurred for different reasons has affected us SO similarly. It has been almost 2 months of NC now and I feel like I am in no better place at all. Though I must be as I haven’t taken the final solution yet. And I am not afraid or ashamed to say the suicidality is a real risk at the bottom of the pit of despair and I know that I don’t want to end up there and am fighting it with everything I have.
    The addiction to the past is definitely desciptive of how I am feeling now. My dreams are the culprit. My subconscious mind has control when I sleep and keeps dragging downward to depression sadness and despair. I awake with all those thoughts of good times, the love we shared, and the burning hope of reconcilliation so hotter than the sun. All the methods and defensive tools are useless against the onslaught of my own grieving mind. I WANT so so badly to stop and at this point I would love just to be numb against it. I’ve tried anger, sorrow, grief, self -hate, and many others to explain to myself how this has come to bring me to my knees. I alomst can fight it. I love how your son’s question was so to the point. We are suffering for our own sake and by our own hands but connecting to that point within ourselves that is able to make it stop is so elusive and slippery. I have spent the entire afternoon in tears just missing her. If anyone can recommend a way to stop the dreams I would love to read or try it. Yes I am in therapy to try and grow and change from this beautifully tragic painful gift that I have been given to see myself and learn from it. But the dreams seem to be undoing it all.
    Thanks to all for reading
    SP

    • Darren April 9, 2011 at 5:32 am #

      SP

      I have been there my friend. Remember that dark place you speak of is never an option or solution. Never. Don’t ever give someone else that kind of power over you, because that is exactly what we do when we go there. The gift of life is precious and no other human has the right to take that away either by direct affect or through their words or conduct that take us down a dark path where that seems better somehow than moving forward.

      Eddie wrote a powerful article on dreams. I am going to quote here.

      With dreams, your subconscious is working out any issues
      you might have. It’s confronting you with pictures and
      feelings you are running away from.

      Basically it says – “face it, don’t run away from it”. This
      is as painful as it can be.

      Here’s how you can make the best of it:

      Keep a notepad beside your bed and write your dream down
      immediately after waking up (even if it’s 3 a.m.). Do this
      is in as much detail as possible.

      Then, get some more sleep or have a good healthy breakfast.
      After that, (a few hours should pass), grab your notes and
      try to interpret your dream. Answer yourself the following
      questions:

      1. How am I acting in the dream?
      2. What symbols in this dream are important to me?
      3. What are my different feelings in this dream (especially
      towards your Ex)?
      4. What would I like to avoid in this dream?
      5. What fear stands behind my dream?
      6. Why did I need this dream?

      If you are able to answer all of these questions, you will
      have a good picture about the mental state this dream is
      grounded on.

      The next thing you have to do is take this mental state and
      the fear behind it, and create a positive affirmation from
      it.

      For example:

      “I choose to be in touch with my own needs and desires. I
      release the need to please others and know that I have a
      right to all my feelings and emotions”

      or

      “Loving myself unconditionally brings healing and an
      abundance of love into my life. I know that my healing is
      already in process”

      Practice your own personalized affirmation extensively the
      next two days. Practice them several times a day speaking
      them out loud AND in writing. (Write them down at least 25
      times).

      You will profit double from this: for one thing it will
      ease your pain, for another thing it will push your healing
      to a new level.

      Your dream uncovered your issues, and the affirmations will
      help you to resolve them.

      Eddie Corbano

      I hope this article helps SP. I found it to be the best article I have ever read on dreams. For me the point was this. Our sunconscious is trying to tell us something, if we learn to listen to it, we CAN work through that challenge just like all the others. It takes the right techniques and positive mindset.

      Here for you bro!

      Fletch

  25. lost April 9, 2011 at 4:18 am #

    or maybe the best solution to all our problems is not to invest fully in any future relationship. love them care for them but we should draw a line not to overdo everythng. we shouldnt make them our only priority. dnt love so much that it starts to hurt u. from now on i will never invest myself completely to one person. if he has to go i will let him coz my life include other people who mean much more to me than him.

    • Darren April 9, 2011 at 5:18 am #

      Lost

      There is a definate difference between investing fully and being unbalanced in love “obsessed” perhaps. To make a long term relationship work you must invest and commit fully but not obsess over the other person until you lose your bearings, independance and self worth.

      People who may have manilupative or addictive dispositions may bring out this tendancy on those who get close. Beware!… we can find ourselves on a dark path in a relationship like this. Healthy relationships foster growth and learning not jealosy, hurt or compulsions to posess and manipulate.

      Fletch

  26. danny April 9, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    hello. I’ve recently been struggling over the worst broken heart of my life. I’m only 18, but I’ve never gone through anything this difficult before… Any advice would be awesome.
    Long story short, I really liked a girl, she liked me back, we kissed, and she left me for another kid. It was much more than just a crush or a feeling though. We’ve been sort of unofficially dating for 3 months.
    Anyway, according to her, I didn’t show her enough attention, and he treats her like an angel. But the thing that I’ve been struggling with more than anything else, is because none of this makes any sense at all to me. He is the type of arrogant, raunchy jerk that is disrespectful to women and always seeking attention.
    At first I was so so mad at him, and disapointed in her. I was a wreck for 2 weeks. I thought we were so perfect until she ubruptly decided he’s better than me. I’d get 3-5 hours asleep at night, because my mind would wander back to her and I’d feel depressed.
    Finally, after not speaking to or seeing her for 2 weeks, I felt like I wanted to be her friend if I couldn’t be more. I hung out with her and some friends tonight, and I realized that I can’t just be friends with her. I love her so much. I want to try to get her back, but that will probably just lead to more pain or not work 🙁 I just really wish I could go back and give her my undivided attention, and treat her like a princess. Don’t know what to do anymore.. I’m a wreck..

    Any advice?
    Thanks

    • Michael April 9, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

      Danny, I would ask how it’s going, but you pretty much just said it’s not going so well. I get how you are feeling. Trust me, we’ve all been there. But you are very young, you have a long way to go. You WILL look back on this and laugh at yourself. Just make sure you LEARN from this. Not saying you made mistakes or did anything wrong, but all of us older people would love to go back in time till we were 18 and re-do things. You can learn a lot about yourself in these situations and if you allow it to, and make it happen, you can grow tremendously from it. Your girl is also young, and both of you absolutely need to experience this, other people, and yourselves. It’s a part of life, so don’t beat yourself up. Just take away from it positive thoughts and experience. If you are on facebook, feel free to look me up. I have been through this a few times, this last time was the worst, but I have turned a devastating situation into what is becoming the best thing I could have gone through. My email is michaelanthonystead@yahoo.com. My profile picture is me on a motorbike. I will be more than happy to listen to you if you feel you need it. Hang tough my friend, just remember that you WILL look back at this and smile. It’s just going to take some time. How much time will depend on you.

  27. Darren April 10, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

    SP

    Thanks for sharing your progress and believe me it is my pleasure to offer any words that might help even if just a bit.

    For your last question there is no easy answer but I will attempt. If you have grown and transformed in a positive way after your breakup you may think now that it would be nice to share that with her at some point. However I firmly believe actions will speak volumes without saying a word. You won’t need to say anything to her and better yet your mind won’t plan reaching out anymore.

    IF someday it happens that you both are able to discuss the situation perhaps then it could be healthy….but I will tell you and I speak from experience. That is a very slippery slope. You may even years later get caught up in emotions and words that; “no good can come from” its just your heart speaking and some things are better left unsaid.

    Time will explain all and it will become clear what the natural choice will be, without force or opoosition. just natural. For now just..be

    Fletch

  28. Cathy Givans April 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    Funny thing is that it isn’t just past relationships that we give up the present for. Even in current relationships, you can be addicted to the newness or want things to be like they were instead of embracing the way they are. I deal with that sometimes myself.

    • Darren April 28, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

      Thanks for the comment Cathy

      I agree with you! Current addictive behaviors can ruin future opportunities. I call the pattern of relationship mistakes; “Groundhog Daying It”. We repeat what we have learned to do and react to these things in repetative ways in many cases. It takes some serious resolve and an honest mirror to identify, then change tactics evaluating new ways of dealing with old problems.

      I am at the head of the line, believe me…

      Fletch

  29. Darren May 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

    lb
     
    Please accept my apology for the late response. The ramifications of maintaining contact after a break up are frought with emotional healing delays, pain and confusion. This article and timeline were pivotal for my recovery. Once I decided I had to fully let go and accept life anew I moved ahead and made much more rapid progress.
     
    Realization is important. Strict No Contact has saved me and allowed my mind to find a new home. Once you maintain strict no contact you will find your trips down memory lane lessen and you will create new memories, friendships and find love again eventually.
     
    Previously I never made it past the 1 month mark often breaking NC earlier. Now it has been over two months and I rarely find myself looking back. I began dating again and slowly opened myself up to find someone truly special (and I have).
     
    So to answer your specific question. It took me months to slowly break my addicition/s – *of specific note please realize that Eddie adopted me early on and allowed me to spread my wings a bit and write for this site. Blogging, sharing and trying to help others helped tremendously. Eddie and his coaching have made a wonderful difference in my recovery.
     
    It will NOT be a constant source of pain! You can recover, heal and find love again. I am living proof ;-)!!
     
    Maintain No Contact with her, it is best for both of you
     
    Blog here often and contact me if you wish, I try to help all I can (I am on facebook).
     
    Sign up for Eddie’s newsletter – It makes a huge difference!
     
    Hang tough my friend – you WILL get better soon 😉
     
    Fletch 

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