But what is a better pattern in conflict resolution strategies, you might ask?

Apparently verbal and nonverbal communication skills are the main keys to conflict resolution.

Here are some of these communication skills in short:

• Be focused and stay calm in intense situations.
  This is the most important skill. If you are able to stay calm and centered no matter how intense the conflict may be, then you can guarantee that the situation will not escalate.
• Always know what matters most to you and be able to experience intense emotions.
  Never numb these basic feelings like sadness, fear or anger, this will compromise your ability to face and resolve differences.
• Know how to recognize and read nonverbal cues.
  Facial expressions, eye contacts, voice tone, posture, these are non verbal cues, reading them can help to avoid conflicts before they occur.
• Be playful and know when and when not to apply humor in conflict situations.
  Many dangerous situations in a relationship can be avoided by using humor at the right moment.

The importance of personal needs:

If you ignore your personal needs, they will most certainly turn up unexpectedly. It’s also possible that they will manifest in other ways, like for example in illness.

Ignoring each others needs can lead to serious relationship problems. Everyone has the desire to feel understood and supported by his partner.

Learning to respect and realize each others needs is one of the most important premises of a healthy relationship.

How to avoid conflicts by respecting each others needs:

• Acknowledge the legitimacy your partners and your own needs.
  This will open up limitless possibilities for solving problems.
• Identify your and your partner’s needs correctly.
  Only then you will be able to work out a compromise that will content you both. Be aware that misunderstanding your partner’s needs endangers your relationship.
• Speak openly with one another about your needs, and more important, share your feelings about them.
  Never hold anything back. Eventually it would only come back on you.
• Always try to work out a compromise
  Know that it’s impossible to resolve a situation without compromising, if the needs are different. Every other way will lead to conflict. Learn to be a diplomat.

Solving relationship conflicts and conflict resolution strategies is something that can be learned. If your childhood has provided you with the proper mindset towards conflict, then good. If not, you have to learn it. The problem is that most people don’t recognize their behavior and they don’t know where it’s coming from.

You have to consciously watch your own behavior and correct it. Don’t be a slave to your childhood experiences.

The lack of understanding about differing needs in a relationship and the inability to compromise is one of the most common reasons for break-ups or divorces.

Conflicts are good, as I said, once you have learned to profit from them and not fear them, you can elevate your relationship to a higher level.

I wish you happy and healthy fights.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of Jackie Alpers)