Is It OK To Snoop In Your Partner’s Email?
by Frank and MichelleThis is a guest article by Michelle F. from lovingfromadistance.com.
Is checking your boyfriend or girlfriend’s email okay?
In a word, NO.
I would never give my boyfriend the password to my email address and he would never give me his. Is it because we don’t trust each other? No. We value our privacy and respect each other’s privacy. We trust each other completely.
Why is sharing your passwords with your boyfriend or girlfriend not the smartest thing to do?
A boyfriend innocently gives his girlfriend his password to his email so she can check something for him when he can’t get on a computer to get online. He doesn’t bother to change the password after, and the girlfriend remembers her boyfriend’s quirky password.
Somewhere down the road, she gets a little suspicion that he may be flirting with another girl. So what is the first thing she does? Checks his email of course. She may even try out the password on some of his other online accounts. She may find nothing, but ever since she first snooped, she begins to habitually check his email and becomes obsessive; addicted even. She knows it’s wrong but can’t help to use this to her “advantage” to keep an eye on her boyfriend. If her boyfriend found out she’d feel ashamed and embarrassed, but she can’t help but feel tempted to check her boyfriend’s email – and in a way she feels that as long as he doesn’t know she is checking his email, it’s “okay.”
Should she really be in this relationship if she can’t trust her boyfriend?
The above scenario happens all the time.
Frank and I give long distance relationship advice both on and off our site. We have come across quite a few snoopers along the way. Most snoopers are good people that acquired their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s password innocently. If your boyfriend ever gave you his password, might you not feel tempted to go back and read his emails? Even if you had no reason to feel suspicious? For most habitual snoopers, once they start, they can’t stop.
That is why I advise people to not share their passwords with anyone, not even a boyfriend or girlfriend.
But what if you are a snooper, and you stumbled across something that indicates your boyfriend wasn’t truthful, or is talking to someone he shouldn’t be, or even cheating?
We say, confront him or her.
If you found evidence of his/her wrongdoings, let him/her know you know rather than keeping silent to avoid admitting that you’re a snoop.
Your relationship has problems: you have no trust and he/she is dishonest. Get everything out in the clear if you expect to salvage the relationship. A relationship cannot survive if there is secrecy, distrust, and dishonesty. You both did something wrong and now is the chance to make things right and get things out in the open.
Want to quit the snooping addiction?
Even if you haven’t dug up any dirt when you’ve snooped, you have to quit snooping. However, it can be hard to stop when you still know your boyfriend/girlfriend’s password – especially if something comes up that gives you the urge. If you’re snooping, you have trust issues and now is a better time than never to work on learning how to trust again.
As with any sort of addicting behavior, the only way to begin to overcome the addiction is to remove the source of temptation. Nip this in the bud as early as possible – you have to let them know about your snooping so they can change their password(s) to get rid of that temptation. As long as you know their password, you will always have that temptation there.
If they had nothing to hide, they will either take it well or they will be really upset that you didn’t trust them. However, like you, they’ll want you to be able to trust them and will be more keen to working with you on your trust issues.
Haven’t snooped yet?
If you haven’t snooped and are reading this because you are wondering if snooping is okay, or justifiable, the answer is an obvious no. If you ever want to find something out – if you have those sneaking suspicions your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good – then the only right way to handle the situation is to simply ASK.
Snooping is a symptom of a relationship with poor communication and trust issues.
When people come to us for long distance relationship advice, their problem is always related to poor communication. Couples tend to avoid talking about their individual concerns because they are afraid of rocking the boat: they are scared to ask questions that haunt their thoughts (eg. “Are you cheating on me?”). They resort to snooping to find out the truth, but how good is this evidence if you cannot use it against your partner because you do not want to let them know you are a snoop?
The best thing you can do is bring up your issues, talk them out, ask the questions you want to ask. Your relationship will benefit from it more than you will benefit from being quiet and letting the problems eat away at your relationship without a word.
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide - Secrets From Successful Couples Who Have Gone The Distance
- Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide - Proven Strategies For Building And Maintaining A Successful LDR
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Frank and Michelle have been in a long distance relationship since April 2006. Inspired by the complexities of long distance in their own relationship, they created the online long distance relationship community, Loving From A Distance. To get you started, here are over 60 activities and ideas for long distance relationship couples to do from a distance. (Article written on August 18th, 2009)
Show all posts by Frank and Michelle
Tags: communication, honesty, snooping, trust
10 Responses to “Is It OK To Snoop In Your Partner’s Email?”
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I love this post! Lucky me, my husband is not into this – like a dinosaur in computer age – really! I agree that if you have snooping around all the time, you may have not only have trust issues but more importantly is the communication issue. Instead of snooping, just ask all about what you’re thinking. That’s it.
Please, control freaks — stop snooping on us sane folks (sorry, but I’ve been burned in the past).
Excellent article, as always!!! Shortly after my breakup i decided to peek into my ex’s email, desperately looking for answers or clues as to why she left me. No emails from guys, but rather emails from a girlfriend of hers encouraging her to hook-up with other specific people. I was so upset since i knew who these guys were and immediately told her to please change her password so that i wont be tempted to look again. Now, more than two months later, what i read is still haunting me; Obsessing over whether or not she’s followed through on her friends advice with these guys, and i wish so much that i hadn’t looked. So if you’re in a similar situation and want to sneak a peek at emails. DON’T DO IT!!!!!
Another thing you can do if you want to force-stop snooping, is change their password on them. Change it to random characters. They will try and log in, not be able to, and then reset their password to hopefully something else. But don’t check. Just do that and never try again. Or if you can’t help yourself and you do try, and they used the same password as before, force-reset it again. Keep doing this and if they are smart they’ll switch it to something different and you’ll be locked out. Not that I have don’t this or needed to do this, but I ws thinking it would be a good way to force yourself out of their accounts.
I disagree completely. I was suspicious of my ex and checked email. Confirmed my suspicions that ex had ben unfaithful. Ex had lied to me to my face and would never have told me. i was able to end the relationship and move on with my life. I knew, I checked, I confirmed. Thank God for snooping. in a committed, long-term relationship (or marriage) there is no reason for email privacy. What earthly reason could there be to hide ANYTHING from the person you are with forever? if you still need to keep secrets like a junior high school kid, you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship. There should be no nothing kept from one another. If you partner is demanding privacy with regards to email etc, it’s time to get suspicious. Trust me.
@J Desperaux –
I agree completely. In a marriage….with the way facebook and myspace and everything else is, with so many ways to get in touch with those from the past….email privacy is all of a sudden a big issue. I gave up my password and phone cause I knew I had nothing to hide.
When I found out what was going on because she “forgot” to delete something, truth was confirmed. If anyone in today’s age is gonna be unfaithful or flirt….the two biggest things are text messages and email.
If you are married…and trust each other and its up front, fine. Snooping hurts, but if you ain’t got nothing to hide….whats the problem???
Ok I will confess to being a snooper and I regret every minute of it! It started early into our relationship and I couldn’t stop even when I said I wasn’t gonna do it! It was like something came over me and I just need to look to make sure he was faithful to me! It was a true addiction..Let me point out I really didn’t have a reason!! I just wanted to feel secure that he loved only me…wrong way!!!! Well with all this untrust it was the demise to my relationship and the main factor for him was we have NO trust in our relationship. trust is the number one thing you need in a relationship! In the end I did finally find something but I believe he did it on purpose!!!!
So anyone out there knowing passwords.. Block them from your mind.. I have learned what you dont know dosn’t hurt you!!! Come on people if someone really wants to cheat do you really think they will let you know the email or messenger account they use!!! Todays world makes everything easy!!! If there is no trust there is no relationship…..
I wish I could turn the clock back, I would probaly still have my relationship!!! Maybe I will be one of the lucky one and get a second chance, I know I don’t want to know any passwords!!!!
@Kat -
aww well I think that’s just mean what he did. If he loved you he wouldn’t make a big issue out of letting you into his life… If he does then he is trying to push buttons for some other reason, or is hiding something, passwords or not. If I was hiding something I’d never give my passwords out, if not then I would give them and be willing to share the fact that he can trust me and would NOT CARE if he looked in every account I had. Then I would smile at him and say, see I love you. Secrets are the killer in a relationship, it’s not the trust factor. Nothing should be hidden, and everyone has a right to know what their significant other is doing. Period..
I hate snooping! i value my privacy more than anything. I am a very open person but due to events in my past i found comfort in my notebooks. I write my thoughts, poems, rants, and letters to people that are no longer with me. My notebooks are incredibly personal! If i decide to share any part of them with someone it should be my choice! Recently the guy i have been seeing for quite a few months, read them wihtout my permission! i have no idea how much he has read and although he tells me it was only this that and the other.. i strongly believe he has read as much as he possibly could without getting caught red handed. I simply do not trust him anymore and feel i need to lock away anything and everything that could possibly be examined without asking first. Do i try and get over this trust issue with him or leave? Its not only my notebooks though. He has also on several different occasions, read my text messages, and gone through my call log on my phone. God only knows what else the little snooper has gotten into. Any thoughts?
@Stormy – Sounds like he felt you were hiding something maybe, and thought he needed to snoop – like something was up (still a new relationship, learning to trust each other etc), he may be very serious about the relationship and doesn’t want to get hurt. Wants to know who it is he’s dealing with now before it’s too late. You should just say to him, I’m really just not comfortable with sharing the intimate details of my past just yet, sorry, but when I feel ready I will, but please respect my privacy. And get a lock box!