This is a guest article by Michelle F. from lovingfromadistance.com.
Is checking your boyfriend or girlfriend's email okay?
In a word, NO.
I would never give my boyfriend the password to my email address, and he would never give me his.
Is it because we don't trust each other?
No. We value our privacy and respect each other's privacy. We trust each other completely.
Why is sharing your passwords with your boyfriend or girlfriend not the smartest thing to do?
A boyfriend innocently gives his girlfriend his password to his email so she can check something for him when he can't get on a computer to get online. He doesn't bother to change the password after, and the girlfriend remembers her boyfriend's quirky password.
Somewhere down the road, she gets a little suspicion that he may be flirting with another girl. So what is the first thing she does?
Checks his email of course.
She may even try out the password on some of his other online accounts. She may find nothing, but ever since she first snooped, she begins to habitually check his email and becomes obsessive; addicted even.
She knows it's wrong but can't help to use this to her “advantage” to keep an eye on her boyfriend.
If her boyfriend found out she'd feel ashamed and embarrassed, but she can't help but feel tempted to check her boyfriend's email – and in a way, she feels that as long as he doesn’t know she is checking his email, it’s “okay.”
Should she really be in this relationship if she can't trust her boyfriend?
The above scenario happens all the time.
Frank and I give long distance relationship advice both on and off our site. We have come across quite a few snoopers along the way.
Most snoopers are good people that acquired their boyfriend's or girlfriend's password innocently. If your boyfriend ever gave you his password, might you not feel tempted to go back and read his emails?
Even if you had no reason to feel suspicious? For most habitual snoopers, once they start, they can't stop.
That is why I advise people to not share their passwords with anyone, not even a boyfriend or girlfriend.
But what if you are a snooper, and you stumbled across something that indicates your boyfriend wasn't truthful, or is talking to someone he shouldn't be, or even cheating?
We say, confront him or her.
If you found evidence of his/her wrongdoings, let him/her know you know rather than keeping silent to avoid admitting that you're a snoop.
Your relationship has problems: you have no trust, and he/she is dishonest. Get everything out in the clear if you expect to salvage the relationship.
A relationship cannot survive if there is secrecy, distrust, and dishonesty.You both did something wrong and now is the chance to make things right and get things out in the open.
Want to quit the snooping addiction?
Even if you haven't dug up any dirt when you've snooped, you have to quit snooping.
However, it can be hard to stop when you still know your boyfriend/girlfriend's password – especially if something comes up that gives you the urge.
If you're snooping, you have trust issues and now is a better time than never to work on learning how to trust again.
As with any addictive behavior, the only way to begin to overcome the addiction is to remove the source of temptation. Nip this in the bud as early as possible – you have to let them know about your snooping so they can change their password(s) to get rid of that temptation.
As long as you know their password, you will always have that temptation there.
If they had nothing to hide, they will either take it well or they will be really upset that you didn't trust them. However, like you, they'll want you to be able to trust them and will be more keen to working with you on your trust issues.
Haven’t snooped yet?
If you haven’t snooped and are reading this because you are wondering if snooping is okay, or justifiable, the answer is an obvious no.
If you ever want to find something out – if you have those sneaking suspicions your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good – then the only right way to handle the situation is to simply ASK.
Snooping is a symptom of a relationship with poor communication and trust issues.
When people come to us for long distance relationship advice, their problem is always related to poor communication.
Couples tend to avoid talking about their individual concerns because they are afraid of rocking the boat: they are scared to ask questions that haunt their thoughts (e.g.,. “Are you cheating on me?” ).
They resort to snooping to find out the truth, but how good is this evidence if you cannot use it against your partner because you do not want to let them know you are a snoop?
The best thing you can do is bring up your issues, talk them out, ask the questions you want to ask. Your relationship will benefit from it more than you will benefit from being quiet and letting the problems eat away at your relationship without a word.
nice post! snooping is fun but it’s also riddled with insecurities, frustrating moments, loads of jealous tirades, and game playing. I feel that it also happens because you just need to have a bit more drama in your life 😉 lol
Hi NH – sorry to hear what you had to go through, but sounds like you handled it well. What I can't understand though is you contradict yourself I feel in the last sentence – 'snooping is a last resort because when you have trust you don't need to snoop'. But you say yourself that your ex may have come back and you would have taken him back if you hadn't known about all this: so if you HAD trusted him you would never have known! I have come across men who are (on the surface) totally straightforward and trustworthy, but snooping has revealed they are otherwise.
I don't want to imply all men are like this, because they aren't, but how on earth are you supposed to know if you can trust someone?
I have lied (wrongly) out of being embarased about my past. I also lied to my gf about looking at porn for fear of her reaction. She found out through snooping which is fucked up. But because I lied Im the bad guy right?
I agree that snooping = lack of trust in a relationship. I was a snooper, but only after my ex broke up w/me last month. He blamed me for it and said pretty bad things to me. I was devastated and confused, because I felt his reasons were not valid for breaking up after 3 years, but then I began to doubt myself thinking I was at fault.
A week and a half later (still have that gut feeling something is not right), I find an email notification for password change to a different email address–and yes, it was the same one when I tried it. The emails I found were to a girl he had been seeing for a while making big plans for spring break with a list of places that were my favorite to visit. What hurt more were the words I Love You and Miss You, to her.
I confronted him over the phone in a very civilized way, but didn’t mention how I found out. He was completely blown away and didn’t know how to respond, BUT denied EVERYTHING. He even got his best friend to text me and tell me the girl was just a friend. I gave him the entire day to come clean, but he continued texting me mean things and how I had issues because I couldn’t trust men.
When I finally told him through his friend that I had an email as proof, he called and wanted to tell me “the truth.” Of course, only after he found out I had proof. He then broke up w/the girl he left me for, and has been begging me to go back w/him and promised to never lie or cheat on me again. I had to change my cell # and blocked all of his email addresses because he wouldnt leave me alone….but I’m happy I read that email, otherwise, I probably would have gone back w/him thinking I did something wrong.
Bottom line: snooping should be a last resort, because when there is trust, who needs to snoop??
hi NH,
im sorry for what happened to you. the same exact thing pretty much happened to me also… i dated this guy on & off for over 2 years. we weren't officially together when i hacked into his e-mail. i found e-mails from another girl. and they were e-mailing back & forth saying things like “babe i love you” and “i miss you babe” too. and when i read all those e-mails, i felt as though my mind was spinning out of control and i had a hard time breathing… it was absolutely HEART-BREAKING. =/
i'm glad we both found out, because the truth will set us free.
In my opinion NEVER give your girlfriend any access to your email because if it goes bad she can hold any emails against you later down the road! I have learned my lesson however don’t feel to sorry about my ex GF finding out I am bi and all since she had no business snooping into my email in the first place! Especially when she left me 3 months ago for her ex husband!!
Me and my girlfriend split after 3 years because I snooped on her facebook, Well I deleted a mail I sent when drunk (it wasn’t a bad one, just an overly ‘drunk’ one) … and saw one mentioning me in it, so I read 5 lines then stopped, asked her about it and then she went bad sh*t insane. We broke up 2 days later because she didn;t trust me anymore. The real question is I wonder what it was she was hiding from me? Because surely, it shouldn’t have been a big deal. We shared the same password and I know she went on my account.
My girlfriend occasionally gives me her facebook password when she wants me to see some pictures she was tagged in. Sometimes i can’t see them from my account because i am not friends with whoever posted them. I’ve never asked for it, but she just gave it to me one day because she really wanted me to see those pictures. The fact that she even did erased any doubts I had about her doing anything deceitful and I never have the urge to snoop. Her password is rather cryptic so it’s hard to memorize, but I’ve honestly never tried nor have i written it down. I think it’s ok to give passwords, but you really have to be comfortable with the person.
CT, not sure why she would do this when you have already split up. My view is that ok, snooping isn’t good – but then I also think that women especially have a ‘gut’ feeling that something isn’t right, and if a partner isn’t being 100% honest then the only way to know for sure is to do a bit of snooping. To be honest I don’t think it is reasonable if you are in a committed relationship to withold the info that you are bi – but I agree she had no business posting it on facebook.
I would have no problem with my partner snooping as I have nothing to hide.
I think people are inclined to snoop if they feel something is being kept from them which affects them or the relationship. Which raises another question: how much, or what, is reasonable to keep secret in a relationship?
Not happy here…. My ex hacked into my msn account six months after she left me and remarried her ex husband! Why the hell would she do this?? I have not wanted to check on her at all and have had zero contact with this woman!! The problem is this… she found out by hacking into my acct that I had posted an add on craigslist for M4M, I’m bi and never told her during our 10 month relationship! As far as I’m concerned she had no right to do this and then go onto my Facebook wall and post stuff that I am gay, blah blah blah…. Any feedback would be great!! She would have never known if she hadn’t been snooping!!
I just found out my boyfriend has my facebook password and he has been going thru my emails for about 2 weeks now. He did not find anything I shouldn’t be doing. He is extremely insucure and he states he did it out of inpulse. I love him but I simply dont know what to do. I feel disrespected. I dont even know if i should trust him anymore.
Exactly.. it is disrespectful. My girlfriend of 10 years recently demanded my passwords to everything… so I gave them… because I didn’t see an issue with her looking… now everytime I get a message on Facebook, she lets me know and closely monitors my responses. Yesterday she asked me why I withdrew 200$ from my checking account(Cause she was snooping in my bank account). I promptly changed my passwords and told her she had gone to far and my finances are none of her business. Now she told me ” I can move out if I want too”…. you know… I think I just might..
thanks for the advice. right after i read this, i told my boyfriend that i had gone through his email account. luckily, i read this just a day or so after i logged into it. it was crazy though, i had checked it a bunch in just a day and a half, super addicting for some reason. i didn’t really feel guilty about it until i read this and realized it’s not only detrimental to myself but our relationship. i have trust issues and we both know it. unfortunately, i regret that i have hurt him recently and i have zero trust from him. i believe that i projected my previous unfaithfulness on to him by trying to dig up something that he did, or is doing. i didn’t find anything, and now he trusts me even less. so yep, against snooping from this day out.
Am I alone in thinking that snooping is ok? I don’t hide things, so I would have no problem with my partner reading emails or texts!
I found something a bit worrying on my partners email which he has since deleted, but as I know most people disapprove of snooping, I don’t feel I can raise it. But which is worse: snooping, or hiding things from a partner? To me it’s the hiding. If I hadn’t snooped i wouldn’t have found out,
Think how many people can be saved from a deceitful spouse by snooping – or then again, is it better to never know if everything seems ok?
Thoughts?
@Stormy – Sounds like he felt you were hiding something maybe, and thought he needed to snoop – like something was up (still a new relationship, learning to trust each other etc), he may be very serious about the relationship and doesn’t want to get hurt. Wants to know who it is he’s dealing with now before it’s too late. You should just say to him, I’m really just not comfortable with sharing the intimate details of my past just yet, sorry, but when I feel ready I will, but please respect my privacy. And get a lock box!
I hate snooping! i value my privacy more than anything. I am a very open person but due to events in my past i found comfort in my notebooks. I write my thoughts, poems, rants, and letters to people that are no longer with me. My notebooks are incredibly personal! If i decide to share any part of them with someone it should be my choice! Recently the guy i have been seeing for quite a few months, read them wihtout my permission! i have no idea how much he has read and although he tells me it was only this that and the other.. i strongly believe he has read as much as he possibly could without getting caught red handed. I simply do not trust him anymore and feel i need to lock away anything and everything that could possibly be examined without asking first. Do i try and get over this trust issue with him or leave? Its not only my notebooks though. He has also on several different occasions, read my text messages, and gone through my call log on my phone. God only knows what else the little snooper has gotten into. Any thoughts?
@Kat –
aww well I think that’s just mean what he did. If he loved you he wouldn’t make a big issue out of letting you into his life… If he does then he is trying to push buttons for some other reason, or is hiding something, passwords or not. If I was hiding something I’d never give my passwords out, if not then I would give them and be willing to share the fact that he can trust me and would NOT CARE if he looked in every account I had. Then I would smile at him and say, see I love you. Secrets are the killer in a relationship, it’s not the trust factor. Nothing should be hidden, and everyone has a right to know what their significant other is doing. Period..
Ok I will confess to being a snooper and I regret every minute of it! It started early into our relationship and I couldn’t stop even when I said I wasn’t gonna do it! It was like something came over me and I just need to look to make sure he was faithful to me! It was a true addiction..Let me point out I really didn’t have a reason!! I just wanted to feel secure that he loved only me…wrong way!!!! Well with all this untrust it was the demise to my relationship and the main factor for him was we have NO trust in our relationship. trust is the number one thing you need in a relationship! In the end I did finally find something but I believe he did it on purpose!!!!
So anyone out there knowing passwords.. Block them from your mind.. I have learned what you dont know dosn’t hurt you!!! Come on people if someone really wants to cheat do you really think they will let you know the email or messenger account they use!!! Todays world makes everything easy!!! If there is no trust there is no relationship…..
I wish I could turn the clock back, I would probaly still have my relationship!!! Maybe I will be one of the lucky one and get a second chance, I know I don’t want to know any passwords!!!!
@J Desperaux –
I agree completely. In a marriage….with the way facebook and myspace and everything else is, with so many ways to get in touch with those from the past….email privacy is all of a sudden a big issue. I gave up my password and phone cause I knew I had nothing to hide.
When I found out what was going on because she “forgot” to delete something, truth was confirmed. If anyone in today’s age is gonna be unfaithful or flirt….the two biggest things are text messages and email.
If you are married…and trust each other and its up front, fine. Snooping hurts, but if you ain’t got nothing to hide….whats the problem???
I disagree completely. I was suspicious of my ex and checked email. Confirmed my suspicions that ex had ben unfaithful. Ex had lied to me to my face and would never have told me. i was able to end the relationship and move on with my life. I knew, I checked, I confirmed. Thank God for snooping. in a committed, long-term relationship (or marriage) there is no reason for email privacy. What earthly reason could there be to hide ANYTHING from the person you are with forever? if you still need to keep secrets like a junior high school kid, you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship. There should be no nothing kept from one another. If you partner is demanding privacy with regards to email etc, it’s time to get suspicious. Trust me.
100% J. This is how trusting- nay -stupid I am/was. Our phone bill went up gradually. The average bill was around $100 a month. In 3 months it was $450 a month and I was only getting the front page – ie no itemising because the phone company wasnt sending them??? Yet for the past 15 years they always came. When I asked her what was going on the first time, her reply was she was using the mobile phone alot as we were moving towns and she had been contacting the real estate agent and banks etc. No worries I say. Then we move and the bill gets to its highest. I then say again'What are u doing on the phone?' The reply – I'm texting my boss @ work. She had a new job, Asst Principal in a school and had built a great friendship with her boss(also a lady). Part of our phone contract was you could call 3 numbers for 3 minutes for free. I suggested she take my number off that and put her bosses on. Cant do that, cant call her when I'm in class teaching, have to text.
To cut a long story short, I leave it all alone and the next bill does decrease. A cpl of weeks later we need something bought over from the town we moved from. No worries she says I'll get it done. Then I ask a cpl of days later who is bringing it over. A male friend of hers from this town is coming over on Friday and said he will bring it. That's a bit strange I thought, I didnt even know you were in contact with him. I'm then @ home and our email was not working correctly. I register through our provider for online access to our email through their website. As it happens, our phone company is the same. I then have the records of all the text messaging. The phone number, when and how many. 1500 to this 1 number in 3 months!! Including some at 2am in the morning when she was away at a family gathering. I then ask if her bosses number ended in the same 3 numbers, showed her the log of texts and how silly it really looks(not to mention expensive – that was my initial concern). Yeah thats her number. Yet again I trust her and forget it. After this questioning, things really went down hill fast for us. Like I mean quickly. She withdrew from my immediatley and asked for a trial separation with in days. WTF was going on here? We move to a new town, new house and 6 weeks later shes booting me out. I then knew someting was up. Temptation got to me and I ring the number – needless to say it was not her boss. She maintains there was nothing physical, just a friendship. It equated to 30 txt msgs a day to this 1 person over 3 months. I call that an emotional affair – just as bad as a physical one. It took along time to get over this, she was just unable to tell the truth and kept a secret from her husband. This was detremental to our relationship to no end. I never saw an actual msg, so to this day I have no idea of what they were saying to each other, but to me it was a 3rd person in our marriage without 1 of us(me) knowing. As it turns out, later on after I had moved out for our 'trial' I made most of the mistakes Eddie has written about not making which really killed us off. A few weeks later I was baby sitting the kids at now her house one day and went through the garbage bin – low and behold the phone bill – itemised and all. When she arrived home I asked her if she was still in contact with this individual – no was reply. According to the phone records, as I'm reversing out the driveway @1.03pm( I remember the time) with her oldest child in the car helping his dad move out of the family home – you guessed it – the first call she makes is to him!! and subsequently rings him everyday for the rest of the month-And she still denies it even though I have the proof right in front of her! I'm the first to admit that snooping/stalking is a bad thing to do and I'm not proud of my actions, but I feel without doing it I'd never of got to the truth and woken up to what was really happening – she didnt trust me enough to tell me. She knew what she was doing was wrong but couldnt confess and therefore kept secrets which ultimatley destroyed our marriage. I had no concerns with her privacy as I did not really want to see what they were saying to each other, the mere fact she could not tell me that she was communicating with this bloke at these levels which was the killer. It was then very difficult to believe anything she was saying after this – compulsive lying is a term which comes to mind. We were together for 15 years and after that long, you get to know when someone is hiding something – behavioural patterns are a dead giveaway. When these all of a sudden change, be very wary. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I think if I had realised that something was up earlier perhaps we could of sorted something out on a more positive note rather than smashing apart what was a wonderful family.
PS – the bloke she was 'friends' with is a serial player and has broken up at least 1 other marriage that I know about. At that stage he was engaged to be married. hmmmm!
Unfortunately, j despearaux, you weren’t correct in your assumptions and only pushed your partner further away. It is a shame that you didn’t realize that snooping was pushing me away from you. Sending me on short errands constantly and having me return to find you snooping, through the closet, phone, clothes, and computer was disappointing to say the least. I confronted you about this, and you would lie about it, every time.
I think our readers should have a little insight into the history of our relationship in order to make a more informed decision about the situation and the type of girl that you are, instead of the one size fits all approach to what is right or wrong and why.
13 years, at the time only 9 years off and on. You broke up with me over text and email 9 times, without explanation. When confronted and asked what is going on and why this is happening you would refuse to discuss what the issue is or was. I would ask and you would give me several excuses, “it’s in the past now”, that’s your classic avoidance of any issue between us and I would see past the problem, and let it go for the time being. We would resume a relationship though the past issues were always forbidden to be dealt with.
The readers should also be aware that we have a daughter together, and having her go through this off and on cycle probably hasn’t been the best, but that topic could be for another site perhaps, since you would prefer to find acceptance and justification for your actions anonymously through the web in the comfort of strangers.
The time before the last time you broke up with me was by email. You wanted to date another guy and I was hurt, obviously. After putting up with so much of the on and off again nonsense and the bouts of no contact you would rationalize all along this was better for you, even though we have a daughter together, simply displayed your lack of commitment and wishy washy behavior that I had tolerated for so long.
I dated too, a few months after you broke it off with me to begin down this new path, it wasn’t what I wanted, but it was an experience nonetheless. I was ok to be without you and felt good about everything until you wanted to introduce your new beau around our daughter. I thought you should wait and let your relationship grow for 3-6 months before doing this to be sure he would be around. You waited a month, then you broke up with him a few months later, and wanted to have a relationship with me again. I was in Seattle, you in Florida.
The readers should also be aware that you chose to live with your parents who moved across the country several times, I would maintain visitation with our daughter and eventually move to Seattle where you lived for years, I moved on the promise that you wouldn’t move again, as the cost and financial burden of moving and visiting from afar had become an issue of its own. You eventually moved again, and cited that you forgot to promise me that you wouldn’t, convenient.
I quit my job and moved, in the economic downturn, working in architecture was a problem at the time. I wanted the family dynamic finally, I wanted stability. You offered this and I accepted it.
The night I moved in you started the accusations. Some girl, later we realized that she was a debt collector, was contacting you and you thought I had something to do with it.
A few weeks later you snooped through the closet and found a photo booth picture of a friend of mine in Seattle, whereby you concocted this elaborate story of how we must have dated, and you bet she dumped me, etc…almost as ridiculous as the debt collector.
A few months later you had a work party that we attended, and one of your colleagues asked about my camera and I had a discussion with her about photography, this also lead you to blow more smoke up my ass and say how she’s flirting and how ‘wrong I was to even talk to her’.
A friend from grade school was texting me. She was flirty, but she always is, and I don’t really care that she is and knowing what I know about you and your overreaction and jealousy I just ignored it.
You would go through my phone, play word mole all the time, and it is obvious what you were doing. I would ask you directly about it and you would lie to me. You would do the same on my computer and I would confront you about it and you would lie to me about it. You would send me on trivial errands so that you could look, and though I knew what you were doing I went anyway, to show you I cared more about what you or we wanted than about your paranoia. That’s where I messed up, I should have insisted that we deal with the real issue instead of caving into this nonsense.
So the more you looked and snooped, the less I cared about what you said and thought. You weren’t ready to have a real meaningful relationship and trust and I wasn’t going to cave in to the jealousy and paranoia that you felt.
My idea of a relationship involves trust and that also includes personal privacy, given our history I have no intention of just jumping in with both feet with you, how could I after all these years of rejection. You have had me all along but never really wanted me, that is what I gather from your actions. You want me to jump and beg still and I won’t do that anymore. If you don’t want to face your actions or issues than maybe someone else will, this hasn’t been good for our daughter or for me.
I didn’t cheat on you and I think deep down you know that, but I’m not willing to bend over and stroke your ego about anything anymore. You can believe what you want, I think it’s silly to not see your behavior patterns for what they are, nor discuss or deal with them, but those issues are no longer my issues, they are your own.
Two cancelled engagements, and more heartache than most people should tolerate. I don’t think it’s good to post on here that you were cheated on or how you fully support snooping, it clearly shows the level of immaturity and lack of vision that is so prevalent in these sites responses. Impulse control is obviously lacking but it’s also difficult to discern on the Internet if the author is a hormonal 14 year old or someone older, none of the responses justify poor behavior.
I really agree with this. I was dating a guy and we were very serious (or so I thought). He’d already been telling me how “in love” he was with me and how he wanted a future with me. One day, he had given me his password so I could check something for him. A week or so later, I had this nagging sense that there was something he was hiding from me. I checked his email and, lo and behold, he had emailed this woman he’d met uptown. He was clearly flirting with her and asking her for coffee. She turned him down. My first instinct was to shine him on and keep it moving. How I WISH I had done that. Instead, I confronted him, apologizing first for reading his emails, but then telling him I’d found something. His response: “This is a really big trust issue”. Never mind what he’d done. He then proceeded to tell me he didn’t go out with her because he knew it was wrong. I knew that was a lie, but I bit the bait. I WISH I HAD NOT DONE THAT. I was unable to trust him after that. There were other things he was not forthright about and, from time to time, I found myself checking his email again. Oddly, he never changed his password, but would tell me he couldn’t trust me because I was snooping. The thing is….HE was the dishonest one. Years ago, as a teen, I had done something similar behind my boyfriend’s back. He read my journal and caught me in my lie. He brought it to me, opened to the very page I’d written it. I was busted and I knew it. You can believe I was not telling him that it was a trust issue. I knew I was wrong and he needed to find out.
Another thing you can do if you want to force-stop snooping, is change their password on them. Change it to random characters. They will try and log in, not be able to, and then reset their password to hopefully something else. But don’t check. Just do that and never try again. Or if you can’t help yourself and you do try, and they used the same password as before, force-reset it again. Keep doing this and if they are smart they’ll switch it to something different and you’ll be locked out. Not that I have don’t this or needed to do this, but I ws thinking it would be a good way to force yourself out of their accounts.
Excellent article, as always!!! Shortly after my breakup i decided to peek into my ex’s email, desperately looking for answers or clues as to why she left me. No emails from guys, but rather emails from a girlfriend of hers encouraging her to hook-up with other specific people. I was so upset since i knew who these guys were and immediately told her to please change her password so that i wont be tempted to look again. Now, more than two months later, what i read is still haunting me; Obsessing over whether or not she’s followed through on her friends advice with these guys, and i wish so much that i hadn’t looked. So if you’re in a similar situation and want to sneak a peek at emails. DON’T DO IT!!!!!
I love this post! Lucky me, my husband is not into this – like a dinosaur in computer age – really! I agree that if you have snooping around all the time, you may have not only have trust issues but more importantly is the communication issue. Instead of snooping, just ask all about what you’re thinking. That’s it.
Please, control freaks — stop snooping on us sane folks (sorry, but I’ve been burned in the past).