“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Let me tell you a little story about my visit to the mountains of Turkey many years ago.
I met this beautiful, intelligent girl from Turkey, with crazy dark curly hair. We had this great relationship going, and one day she asked me if I would like to learn her origins and travel to Turkey with her.
I said “of course,” and the next thing I know I was on sitting on an airplane on my way to Anatolia, (the mountain region of Turkey).
Over the next few days, she showed me her beautiful country, full of friendly people and breathtaking scenery.
We were on a mountain trip looking for her hometown when she suddenly asked me:
“How do you like my village?”
“What village?” I asked. “You mean the three cabins over there?”
“Yes, kind of ” she replied, “this is where my parents grew up. My origins are right over there” .
We went to visit her grandparents.
They were living in a very small house, which decayed from the outside, but was surprisingly comfortable and well furnished on the inside. Not to our Western standards, of course, but adequate and pleasant.
Her grandparents were very nice, but somewhat scary people.
Do you know the type of seniors, who seem to be able to look you in the eye and know everything about you?
What you are thinking, what you've done, what you will do?
All of the world’s wisdom seemed to lie in them.
Especially her grandpa, with his white beard and stabbing blue eyes, as if he had jumped out of a fantasy movie.
Scary.
And I was sitting in front of them as the boyfriend of their loving grandchild.
After some meaningless chitchat, where no more than “yes” or “no” left my lips, her grandpa said something that I will never forget my whole life.
They seemed to have noticed that we were very in love – it was written all over us.
He said with a meaningful attitude and very earnest, if not threatening:
“Pay attention that you do not love too much. It's never good to love someone too much” .
Then he stood up, walked to his grandchild, kissed her gently and left the room, without looking at me once.
Needless to say, I was quite shocked.
“What did he mean by that?” I asked my girlfriend later.
“You have to find out by yourself” , she replied. “My grandpa says mysterious things all the time. People are coming to him and asking for his advice all over the country. When he says something like this, it always has some meaning.”
Never love too much.It didn't make sense to me.
To love someone was, for me, the ultimate altruistic gift you could possibly give.
I desperately wanted to do that, to love someone until madness. It was my personal goal.
The Turkish girl and I broke up months after that for various reasons, to my regret, but I never stopped thinking about this strange event that happened in the mountains of Turkey.
A few years later I would find out the meaning of this sentence, and what it meant to me, in the most painful way.
After that devastating breakup I experienced, I suddenly realized why it is bad to have loved TOO MUCH, and it made perfect sense to me.
It's bad because I lost myself completely.
I lived through the other person, defined my happiness by the other person, and connected all my future and past to her.
That is loving TOO MUCH.
Every time you find yourself disconnected from the person you really are because of the relationship, then you love too much, and it WILL lead to disaster.
Of course, I do NOT mean that you shouldn't give all the love you have, you definitely shouldn't hold anything back, but don't lose the person you are over it.
This is MY personal truth and interpretation of that mysterious phrase I heard so many years ago.
Do you think that it's possible to love too much, until madness? I'd love to read your opinion in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Brilliant, its an eyeopener for me, as well as my life…..i did commit this mistake…. loved the woman of my life.. till madness… and now she has moved away from me… and am literally dead and aimless…. i have no words… but an amazing article…. a lesson to all those who are in love… or going to get into a relationship…
there is a wonderful saying that taught me sooo much… ” if u love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was ” we should realize and admit the fact that the more we hold on to them the more they wanna run away… It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight for love… But he has to be worth to fight for…. I left a comment earlier…. I feel different now… I still love him but I’v learned how to live without him and still be happy…. Love yourself so others ( well meaning guys and especially him) will to! By staying strong and NOT letting myself down I made him respect me more… Yes we’re not together but I’m not just another chick for him…. I became the girl whom he calls at midnight after a long period of not talking to wish a happy birthday… Its better to end a relationship with pride and not burn bridges cuz life is full of surprises you never know what might happen in the future. We all wright our stories here seeking support from those who really understand us so I hope I was helpful 🙂
letting go of someone you have loved so much is one of the most hardest part we could ever handle!
Yes i know for a fact that one can lose himself completely in someone. i lost myself completely. i feel that i don’t have control over myself. i love that man so much, and as much as we wanna be together, we can’t be together. it’s not impossible, but we have to fight everyone and everything in order for us to be together. i am willing to do that, BUT, he’s not a fighter! he’s got zero persistance. I can’t tell u how hurt i am that im losing him just because he refuses to fight for our love.
i gave him everything, and loved him unconditionally. there’s nothing that i wouldn’t do for him. i did all sorts of crazy things, things that i usually wouldn’t do.
We still didn’t break up, but we’re gonna have to soon. i donnu how am i gonna make it without him.. i wish someone would just tell me.
Definitely guilty! However, it gets easier and better after a few major traumas, if one decides to learn from them. I’m just splitting up with somebody and while it’s sad and draining, it’s nowhere near as incapacitating as former split-ups used to be. I function well and realise that my whole life is basically in order. All throughout this relationship I forced myself to keep seeing my friends, go out and do things I enjoyed without him. This not only made me realise that I am an interesting person with A LIFE … but also, that he isn’t. Being ‘crazy in love’ is just that, crazy. Stop yourself.
Unfortunatelly, when you realize you are loving too much, it is too late because the damage is already done. I know exactly how devastating this is.
It is so hard to get over it.
I have felt the pain you are talking about. If feels like dying would be actually a relief. But that is what people should be careful about because some actually take that route.
If you are ever feeling like this, reach out for God and remember to love him more than anybody else. Then reach out for family and friends, and even counseling.
I’m madly in love with a close friend who seemed to have intentions for me as well. 1 year later he got a so called “serious” girlfriend and i decided to stop being friends w him bcz it hurt me too much. These past few weeks I barely moved… ii’m always in my bed crying thinking why was he giving me all the cute sigs, why did we hang out soooo much… but all that was meant for nothing i guess. We were never bf/gf.. he never said the magical I love you words but he did give contradicting signs. Honestly.. i don’t know how to live me life now that i have finally lost hope. I have a lot of projects to finish up but i’m not motivated to do anything. I’m always sad and crying. I used to be really strong before meeting him.. He was there when my dad passed away he helped me through the most difficult times of my life but now he’s gone too. I’m afraid i’ll never find someone as good as he is… i’m sure i’ll get more dates but i’ll never love as madly as i love him. I love loving him… even though i want to move on and be happy again but i don’t want to let go of him and sweet memories of him. Wish me good luck 🙂 lol
This happened to me…just the other way around. My fiance became obsessive over me, trying to do everything for me and getting angry with me when I did not let him. He then walked out on me two days ago, saying that I had changed and that I never respected him. I tried to tell him that he did this to himself, but it was no use. I am obviously devestated by this but I’m pulling myself back together. I loved him like no one else, and as I see it now, like no one ever again. This was the man whom I saw, and knew in that moment that I was going to marry him. Then I let him screw it up.
Yeah…it’s true…..When you love someone so much that you start defining yourself based on the other persons view…it becomes very difficult to break up …
I have felt that madness and it hurts a lot …. I agree with u all…
My marriage was not so happy and i had to leave my kids to work abroad. Then i met this guy who promised to love me the way my ex was not able to do. I tried and trusted him and we fell in love. He has kids from a woman who maltreated him back home. Then there came a time when we became dependent of each other. We needed and helped each other, emotionally & financially but most of the time i did the latter. Until his time came to take his vacation, he promised he just went for his kids. Yet after 3 days that he left for vacation, he would not answer my messages nor take my calls. I was in panic. It was very painful for me because i thought he already forgot about his sons’ mother but everything was totally different now. I pleaded for him to talk to me a lot times but he refused to do so. After a few agonizing days, i picked myself up and decided to get on and make sure he repays me everything he owes me when he gets back. I was never so humiliated in my whole life than this very moment when he rejected me. Then lately, after several days of his stay there, he would call and send me messages including sweet nothings only to know at the end that he needs money. I was shivering in disbelief that there exist a person like him in this world. A shameless abusive person…after he’d rejected, now he’s come back to me to ask help. Please can you advise me what to do with this wolf? I’m afraid what i might do to him when I see him.
Dear Kay, as I read your story, I am almost sure your man is an African. Or am I wrong? Well, if it is the case, please do not try to understand his behavior and immorality. I do not want to sound racist but it is somehow their “cultural” behavior. Make sure he pays you back what he owns you and run away. Do not waste your mental energy over someone who has such natural. Do not think your screaming or moralizing speach will make him to improve.
I read this and i nearly started bawling! I just went through a pretty bad breakup and i consumed my life in my boyfriend. We were together everyday all day unless he was working! He was my first love, we dated for 4 years and i feel like i will never get over him and im scared to Death that i will never over come this and i will always want him back. I dont know why i want him so bad though i know he is no good for me! I honestly thought that only girls could love like this but apparently i was wrong I’m glad to know that im not alone and i have more hope now more than other because i just read this.
I met a man two and half years ago. He fell inlove with me the day he met me, and within a couple of days I was right there with him. We had an extordinary love affair. We met under the sun on an Island in the Carribean. He was from Europe and I was from North America. Our words were not strong in a mutual language in the first moment, but everything made sense. We loved each other with amounts that seemed impossible.
After we departed from each other we continued to gravitate towards eachother. With 10,000km inbetween our houses we continued to see eachother every three months, and after a year I made the move to be with him. We drank in the high of being inlove, but it was never enough. Once reality caught up and our day to day obligations & expectations weighed in, our differences started to become more apparent. Each debate, misunderstanding, and full out argument triggered an internal alarm, that never went away. When you give so much love it hurts when the other one hits a wall and doesn’t understand where you are coming from. When you give up to much love you begin to sacrifice your happiness to continue keep the love. When it is not enough you give away love you reserved for yourself to your partner, and your inner self begins to notice. You become upset that you have neglected yourself, and your partner probably was doing the same. In the end you both used up all the love you had, and there is nothing left. Not for you to give to him, or even to yourself… or at least that’s what I think happened with me. We pretend like things are ok, but the madness has settled deep within us. I am leaving in just a few days, and I wish that old man would have told us ‘It’s never good to love someone too much.”
Thank you so much for this blog Eddie. Without it I don’t know how I would have gotten through my breakup. I felt compelled to post to give people hope – as I received so much comfort in reading other people’s posts while I was going through the worst.
In a nutshell, my ex dumped me out of the blue after nearly 6 years of being together. We had talked about marriage, had joint assets and had we lived together. It wasn’t perfect – but we were committed to therapy to grow together. I won’t go into anymore details about the relationship but when we broke up I was devestated. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk to anybody…..I really couldn’t function at all. I nearly lost my job over it.
I thought that I would never survive. I cried constantly thinking that I had lost the best thing ever and that my life was ruined. I wanted to just disappear and not exist.
That was nearly 6 months ago and it’s an entirely different story now. Eddie’s advice was really helpful – especially with no contact and the fact that you REALLY put your ex on a pedestal. I actually can’t believe that not only did I survive – but I am thriving. Happy, busy, social. I sometimes get some sadness at being single (I’m in my mid 30s and thought I’d be married by now) but I fill up my time with friends, new activities and keeping busy.
Anyway – I wanted to let all of you broken hearts out there know that there is HOPE! I went from not thinking that I wouldn’t survive and that I had lost the greatest love of my life and best friend – to being happy and healthy. I PROMISE you that you will get over this. LIsten to Eddie – he really knows what he’s talking about. Even though his advice may seem to go against what you are FEELING, you need to follow it because you aren’t thinking with your head – you are thinking with your emotions. Think of Eddie’s advice as a light in the fog – you can’t see properly so you need to rely on guidance to get you out. Even if it feels weird and wrong – just trust and it will eventually get better. I’m not going to lie – it’s not easy – but you will absolutely survive and get through this.
Hugs.
I can relate to this, and 9 months after my break-up with my ex, I’m still picking up the pieces of the life I lost while I was with him. I thought something like that wouldn’t ever happen to me but I stopped doing so many things because I wanted to be somone I thought he wanted me to be, and I lost my self-respect. In the end, it wasn’t worth it but I learned a valuable lesson. It’s so important to stay true to yourself, and be a happy person apart from being in a relationship.
Thanks for sharing this story, Eddie.
Thank you for the thoughtful blog!
I do think it is very possible to lose ourselves in our love relationships. We forget that the important thing isn’t the relationships itself, but the product of that relationship. What are we bringing back out of our associations, into the world? In what way are we contributing to our growth and to the growth of others? In this case, “loving someone too much” is perhaps redirecting all of our creative focus and energy to one person. I think we can love openly and passionately, but we must also continue to work on the project that is The Self.
I found my answer through article….
I broke up 2 months ago, but now I still feel something there is haunting me…
5 months ago my commitment to life : 120%, 1 month ago : 7%, but till now still guess roughly 19%….. I heal damn slow…
yea, I insist NOT to love someone… too much… Just remember to reserve a place for yourself in your heart… always do!
Yes it is possible to love someone too much, if one loves and do not give back that is.
The old adage give and take is very true here because it is only by doing so that the relationship can have some sort of equilibrium.
There is too much to say here, such as communication skills, values and so forth that i will not venture into; loving too much is hazardous, and sometimes the solution can be as simple as requesting to take from the significant other if he/she can provide it
Hehe…I found out this the hard way. I just came out from a 2 year relationship and your post just seems to fit in like the final piece of the puzzle.
Yes I’ve done it too, and the end was equally disastrous. I totally agree that if you love someone too much there is only one way it can ever end up. What a shame though and what a hard lesson that was to learn, it took me over a year of absolute heartbreak, unbearable self-pity and total devastation in every single area of my life before I finally realised what a mess I had made of it all. Still, good to see I’m not the only one ;o))
Oh my God, so right! One has to go through this madness to understand. I experienced and was not myself for a long long time. Held nothing back – that’s what I always believed in but madness…I lost myself! And then came the disaster! It is absolutely possible to love to madness but its not “healthy” and I stronly believe in it – now – I would not have some years back. I would have laughed at you if you had told me this had I not experienced the madness of love….very critical stage of love!!!!!