As if the news that your partner doesn't want to be with you any longer isn't enough, they often think they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.
What most of the “Dumpers” simply do not understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort. They are only able to give as much comfort as a drug would to a drug addict.
But I don't blame them.
I've been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper.” The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.
There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.
The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.
I've listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive.
Hopefully, YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.
1. “We can still be friends.”
This is an all-time classic.
There are actually three things behind this:
- The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
- The dumper doesn't want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn't want you IN their life)
- The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)
The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a breakup, and this is proven to be the best way to go.
2. “It's not you, it's me…”
This is something utterly stupid to say.
When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.
3. “I love you still, but…”
This sentence is also a big no-no.
I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person they are breaking up with. But that doesn't make it ok to say it.
I understand that the dumper might think that it's easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn't. On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.
“Then why is he breaking up with me?” This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.
There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:
- “I will always love you.”
- “I'm always there for you.”
- “I have loved you so much.”
- “You are and always will be someone special to me.”
- “I don't want to lose you.”
These are all terrible statements you really don't want to hear from your Ex who's breaking up with you.
4. “I am simply not the relationship type.”
This is a classic one.
People have written me that they've heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.
5. “I am not good enough for you.”
This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me.”
This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.
6. “I need time to think.”
The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out.”
This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice:
The dumper had the plan to break up, but pulled the plug. Instead, they are postponing the problem, on the cost of the one left behind.
The following “time-out” will be Hell for them: they don't know whether they have been dumped or not.
The uncertainty is just unbearable.
In this case, I recommend for you to reply: “I don't want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”
7. “That's life!”
Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don't need YOU to tell me this during the breakup, dear Dumper!
8. “I really don't want to hurt you.”
I'm sure you don't want to hurt the one you're breaking up with, but I've got news for you: You ALWAYS do.
It's impossible to break up with someone without hurting. That's a fact. All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.
This is difficult, of course, but doable.
9. “I'm sure that I will regret this.”
Now what's that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?
While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it. In fact, this sole expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking”.
10. “I don't know what I want.”
This is very often an attempt to draw attention to themselves, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening. If it's followed by something like, “my life is a mess,” then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.
They don't know what they want, but they still want to break up.
Don't play this game.
If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this. I'm sure they are said with the best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.
Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. This is the best you can do.
If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try to not take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.
All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.
The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant. The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don't burden yourself with the details.
Now it's your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.