10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex
by Eddie Corbano
As if the news that your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer isn’t enough, they often think they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.
What most of the “Dumpers” simply do not understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort. They are only able to give as much comfort as a drug would to a drug addict.
But I don’t blame them.
I’ve been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper”. The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.
There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.
The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.
I’ve listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive. Hopefully YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.
1. “We can still be friends”
This is an all-time classic.
There are actually three things behind this:
- The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
- The dumper doesn’t want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn’t want you IN their life)
- The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)
The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a break up, and this is proven to be the best way to go.
Period.
2. “It’s not you, it’s me…”
This is something completely stupid to say.
When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.
3. “I love you still, but…”
This sentence is also a big no-no.
Although I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person with whom they are breaking up with, but it is NOT ok to say it.
I understand that the dumper might think that it’s easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn’t. On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.
“Then why is he breaking up with me?” This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.
There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:
- “I will always love you”
- “I’m always there for you”
- “I have loved you so much”
- “You are and always will be someone special to me”
- “I don’t want to lose you”
These are all terrible statements you really don’t want to hear from your Ex who’s breaking up with you.
4. “I am simply not the relationship-type”
This is sort of a classic one.
People have written me that they’ve heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.
5. “I am not good enough for you”
This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me”.
This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.
6. “I need time to think”
The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out”.
This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice: The dumper had the plan to break up, but pulled the plug. Instead they are postponing the problem, on the cost of the one left behind. The following “time-out” will be hell for them: they don’t know whether they have been dumped or not. The uncertainty is just unbearable.
In this case, I recommend for you to reply: “I don’t want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”
7. “That’s life!”
Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don’t need YOU to tell me this during the break up, dear Dumper!
8. “I really don’t want to hurt you”
I’m sure you don’t want to hurt the one you’re breaking up with, but I’ve got news for you: You ALWAYS do.
It’s impossible to break up with someone without hurting. That’s a fact. All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.
This is of course difficult, but doable.
9. “I’m sure that I will regret this”
Now what’s that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?
While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it. In fact, this sole expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking”.
10. “I don’t know what I want”
This is very often an attempt to draw attention to themselves, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening. If it’s followed by something like, “my life is a mess”, then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.
They don’t know what they want, but they still want to break up.
Don’t play this game.
Conclusion
If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this. I’m sure they are said with the best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.
Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. This is the best you can do.
If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try to not take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.
All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.
The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant. The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don’t burden yourself with the details.
Now it’s your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- 10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
- For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on April 24th, 2009)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano
Tags: break up lines, comfort, healing, how to break up
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Recent Comments:
hey everyone…..i just wanted some advice…maybe someone can help. well….me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up about 3 months ago. we have a 3...
lia | November 7, 2009 | more»
@-XchelsX- - hey well i think i would have done the same thing to be completely honest like idk i get a lil jealous when i think he is talk in to other girls i...
holly | November 6, 2009 | more»
It probably isn’t advisable but people do seem to need to do it! I’ve talked to lots of women who have done different things. Sometimes they get...
Sarah | November 6, 2009 | more»
I was dumped after two years of dating my Ex. I’ve known him for over 15 yrs but we only started dating in 07′ . When I met up with him in...
Jessie | November 5, 2009 | more»
@Taylor – Taylor, You can’t have feelings for the person and hang out/be friends pretending that there is nothing there. It would just hurt...
stronger ;) | November 5, 2009 | more»
Recently I had what I consider to be the worst break up I’ve had. Not that the guy acted like a jerk or was wishy washy, but 90% of the talk was about how I failed him, what I didn’t do, his frustration and my muffled response to his grief. Later on I realized he didn’t reflect on how he contributed to the rupture – if he did, he wouldn’t acknowledge it, wouldn’t acknowledge what positives I brought to the relationship too. “Why didn’t you do that? It’s too late now” kind of remarks. I haven’t called him up to ‘unload’ of course, but feeling bottled up is making it hard for me to move on.
1,2,3,6,8
I’ve heard all of the bullets in number three.
When my ex broke up with me almost two weeks ago, a few days later, I got the news that my ex is in a new relationship.
Oh, that hurts until now. And all those numbers I mentioned were all said when my ex gave me the breakup call. My ex did admit that he has feelings for me still but broke up with me because he did not feel that it was right to be in that relationship. Now, ex has a new other half.
What sucks is that my ex is my best friend also.
@Co –
I just experienced the same type of break up and it is literally killing me, I was so devoted to my boyfriend that no one else in my life existed, only to realize that he was controlling every aspect of my life, how to talk, how to walk, who to be friends with etc…stupid me put up with it for 3 years….when I finally couldnt take it any more I tried talking to him which resulted in him degrading me with every name in the book and threatining me with violence, Why am I still feeling so much pain when I should be happy to be free…
maybe you are like me, when you meet someone they are stunned by how amazing you are. You are so confident, sexy funny etc…then you fall in love and damn, you loose yourself in that person. I have lost the two most special people in my life, one just days ago because of this. I seem strong and confident and when im single I am, but when someone tells me they love me and i love them, then i loose myself and become mush and in turn can be treated badly.My heart is so wide open and broken right now as i broke my own rules as i believed someone when they said they loved me and wanted me. the trouble is ME in a relationship isnt ME out of one. God, please help me get this right! Im lonely!!!
@Co – just get it out here believe me, its better than sending him the e mail!!! i recently read hes just not that into you and knew i should have dumped him and i did! but i was so in awe of him that i let him back in. things were amazing and i made every commitment possible to move and be in the same city as him, 3 days before i move, he dumps me! i feel so betrayed and used and sad and lonely and i obviously still love him as love sadly doesnt switch off when you get dumped. the thought of being with someone else makes me want to be sick, but i know one day i will be ready, unfortunately time will help. All i know is this, never give up your friends job security for a man, cos if it goes wrong you are lost hurt angry and helpless.
@seasea – so true! i have just been dumped by a married man who promised me and gave me a wonderful time, but now i am left with just painful memories of how good it was, while he lives his life for another 6 months until some other gullible girl comes along and listens to the BS and relieves his boredom for a while. please it will hurt for you to walk away, but if lhe oves you he will leave her and find you, i thought mine would…. now i am left with a bottle of wine a pack of cigarettes and very sad!!! Dont waste the pretty darling x
@rossana – i love everything you have written but please get this right! Dont loose yourself or your friends for someone you love! Your loved one should compliment these things. I am 35 and am still trying to learn this lesson sweetheart. But yes long distance relationships do work and can be very exciting with all this new technology, just remember you and your friends are real time. good luck x
@shelley – watch it with him, you are way more exciting believe me!
@Kayla I agree! just got burned that way myself….. next!!! btw you have done nothing wrong if he really wanted you and was emotionally available, hed be with you darling. meet a man you can have your own baby with xxx
@Mandy – can you move there ?
I can only wish that i was spared my feelings. My ex has broken up with me about 10 times and always comes back! even when he says he never wants me again.. and for some reason i always let him come back to me… i am convinced that it is over this time but He did say he would always love me probably b/c i forced it out of him and that we were each other’s first loves but that statement just makes absoloutly no sense to me. if you love someone then why the heck dont you wanna be with them…
I was dumped a few weeks ago and got about 3 or 4 of those sentences. Most hurtful was “I love you, but I’m not sure I am in love with you anymore”. Plus, good ol’ “I have always been afraid of commitment”… after being together for 4 years and living together for 2. I am taking it day by day, but I wish I knew the real reasons for the breakup. Those blanket statements are completely damaging. They mean nothing and leave you over-analyzing every possible reason the relationship ended. Right now, I am blaming it all on myself since I wasn’t given a honest “dismissal”. Painful.
@Michele –
You might never know why you were dumped. These statements from the dumper never really helps the dumpee. It will hurt, BUT, don’t blame yourself. It is the worst thing you can do. I’ve been through it. My ex said most if not all of the statements above. No matter what he/she say, it will NEVER be good enough to bring comfort. Just make sure to take care of yourself.
Trust me…
Thank you Kelvin. This guy was truly “The One” for me and it feels as though all of this came out of the blue. Its hard to not blame myself; why else could he have wanted to go? I know that it could be for a multitude of reasons, some of which might have nothing to do with me. Doesn’t make this any easier.
Trying to keep my head up and treat myself right.
@Michele –
…get it straight into your head because it is really difficult to put it there (at least for me it was) …there is plenty of fish in the sea, and as long as you grow up and get in control of your infantile imagination and feelings without becoming a cold paranoiac frigid chick maaaany of those fishes will taste better trust me;)
Of course it was your fault…you crashed on the wrong “The One”, simple as that, nothing more nothing less, no multitude of reasons, actually there is no “individual reason” but a simple “state of things” that has evolved in this manner. You cannot fix anything and you definitely cannot learn anything struggling to analyze each moment of your relationship to find out what you should have done, remember no two relationships are the same. You suffer now because you kept fooling yourself with that “The One” “Mister Big” – whatever story and failed to see the signs and take action in a period in which you would had suffered less
@Michele –
You will be fine. Just stop overthinking. It will just make yourself miserable. Been there, done that. I am still working on it. Personally, stop blaming yourself.
Like Sergio says, there are many fishes in the ocean.
Don’t put “The One” on a pedestal…
Cuz it will crash and hurt like crap…
@Sergio -
I don’t think I will ever turn into a cold, paranoid person over this. I have a good sense of self and I know that I am capable of giving all of my love to someone. I think that I am still in shock and without closure, so I am searching for reasons to fill my head. I know its not the right move, but that doesn’t make it easy to stop. I am trying my best, but its the phase I am in trying to deal with this.
Thank you for your advice. I can’t go back and change anything. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but I don’t believe that in the slightest at this point; one day I will realize it.
I was myself and I gave my all and I have to feel good about that and move forward.