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10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

As if the news that your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer isn’t enough, they often think they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.

What most of the “Dumpers” simply do not understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort. They are only able to give as much comfort as a drug would to a drug addict.

But I don’t blame them.

I’ve been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper”. The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.

There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.

The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.

I’ve listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive. Hopefully YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.

1. “We can still be friends”

This is an all-time classic.

There are actually three things behind this:

  1. The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
  2. The dumper doesn’t want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn’t want you IN their life)
  3. The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)

The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a break up, and this is proven to be the best way to go.

Period.

2. “It’s not you, it’s me…”

This is something completely stupid to say.

When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.

3. “I love you still, but…”

This sentence is also a big no-no.

Although I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person with whom they are breaking up with, but it is NOT ok to say it.

I understand that the dumper might think that it’s easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn’t. On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.

“Then why is he breaking up with me?” This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.

There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:

  • “I will always love you”
  • “I’m always there for you”
  • “I have loved you so much”
  • “You are and always will be someone special to me”
  • “I don’t want to lose you”

These are all terrible statements you really don’t want to hear from your Ex who’s breaking up with you.

4. “I am simply not the relationship-type”

This is sort of a classic one.

People have written me that they’ve heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.

5. “I am not good enough for you”

This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me”.

This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.

6. “I need time to think”

The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out”.

This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice: The dumper had the plan to break up, but pulled the plug. Instead they are postponing the problem, on the cost of the one left behind. The following “time-out” will be hell for them: they don’t know whether they have been dumped or not. The uncertainty is just unbearable.

In this case, I recommend for you to reply: “I don’t want a time-out.  You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”

7. “That’s life!”

Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don’t need YOU to tell me this during the break up, dear Dumper!

8. “I really don’t want to hurt you”

I’m sure you don’t want to hurt the one you’re breaking up with, but I’ve got news for you: You ALWAYS do.

It’s impossible to break up with someone without hurting. That’s a fact. All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.

This is of course difficult, but doable.

9. “I’m sure that I will regret this”

Now what’s that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?

While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it. In fact, this sole expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking”.

10. “I don’t know what I want”

This is very often an attempt to draw attention to themselves, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening. If it’s followed by something like, “my life is a mess”, then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.

They don’t know what they want, but they still want to break up.

Don’t play this game.

Conclusion

If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this. I’m sure they are said with the best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.

Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. This is the best you can do.

If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try to not take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.

All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.

The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant. The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don’t burden yourself with the details.

Now it’s your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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330 Responses to 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

  1. Candy August 16, 2014 at 7:17 am #

    I got 8 out of 10!

    We were in a relationship for 16 years! and I had to go for some family problem out of the country. We decided that since recently we were having lots of problems, we would take a break and not talk with each other for these 3 and half months. When i came back he told me me how he had fallen in love with himself and wanted to be free. he has been bound for too long. he also said expressed lot of anger towards me, telling me what i shrew i had been (which is obviously a very common opinion of lot of long term boyfriends, husbands) and then after ranting against me for a week, i found out that he had already started going around with someone else, while i was not there.

    this was as shock for me as i figured that his suddenly finding so many problems with me, was due to finding someone new. and then all the games started. i tried the no contact, but he immediately contacted me and said he wanted to meet and be together again. i said we could meet after a few days. in those few days we texted etc and i realized that he got cold feet again. he started avoiding me again and saying that he wants to be free for now, but he is liking the fact that i want him back and that i love him so much. it felt like he was holding out a carrot for me. he also told me if i stick around and keep meeting him whenever he wants to, he might want to come back.

    however the way he talks with me, when i try to ask him what’s going on, is very rude. he says things like i dont care, you figure out what going on. or who are you to ask me whats going on? or he keeps trying to provoke me, by mentioning the other girl – how he is going to test his feelings for the other girl or how he is going to meet her, how she is unlike me, why he likes her etc.

    since this is a long relationship (16 years) i feel a certain connect with him, we have both been crazy together and we enjoy each other’s company, we are childhood sweethearts. i feel a loyalty with him which i will have to uproot from myself.

    but his behaviour is giving me mixed signals, also he is humiliating me, i can see that. but if there is a chance to get him to listen or to work things out, i want to take it. am i in denial? is it really over? or should i try working things out with him?

    • Gabriel September 19, 2014 at 6:20 am #

      I received #1 via text message that said she wanted to return our relationship back into being a friendship.

      I think that’s one of the worst things to say when breaking up. people say they want to be friends, but then disappear.

      Relationships end.
      It’s been four months and I’m still offended, but looking forward to forgiveness and peace of mind. Wish me luck.

    • Sophie November 17, 2014 at 11:50 pm #

      I’ve heard them all!
      Currently going through a break up with my daughters dad after 3 years. He’s seeing someone else but is saying he still loves me , her he won’t tell him girlfriend the truth unless I go for a date with him?!

      He’s said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore
      He’s said it’s not you it’s me
      He said he needs to be alone
      Also that he needs time to think
      And that he doesn’t know what he wants

      He’s lied so much aswell and he usually says he loves me begs for me back then say all of the the next day

    • D. December 21, 2014 at 9:07 am #

      I got the you will always be special and I got the I don’t want to hurt you. You are right they are better off never saying anything at all. I don’t see the point in trying to explain. You are being dumped who cares why

  2. Candy August 19, 2014 at 6:47 am #

    Dear Eddy,

    The worst thing I heard from my ex boyfriend is that he wants to try out with other women and then decide whether he wants to be with me, depending on how I behave during this time, when he is exploring. he said if i wanted him back i had to show him how loyal i am, by being with him while he explores. He had said he wants to break off, that if we were married he would have asked for divorce, but he keeps saying to give it time.

    • Andrew August 27, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

      Oh my God. That’s exactly the kind of guy that gives the rest of us a bad reputation! I’m glad you kicked his ass to the kerb!

      My ex says she wants to be friends at some point but that’s just her trying to cussion the blow for her own sake. She also apparently still loves me but can’t trust me (no, I didn’t cheat on her). She made a huge deal about how she was scared of me when we had a big fight but then saw me four times after she supposedly kicked me out and we had sex each time. Talk about used…

      The worst thing to hear though was her telling me that if I had “Just kept my head down and got my self together” she would have wanted me back. What utter crap. I bet I’d I had chosen that path she’d have found a different reason to excuse herself from trying to talk things through.

      The more I read here the more I know I am better off without her now it’s done.

      • Candy August 29, 2014 at 5:13 am #

        Hey Andrew,

        you are right, she would have found a different reason to excuse herself from trying to talk things through… people who cannot take the responsibility to work things out or explain kindly why they are sure things wont work out, are the people who create such mess when leaving.

        i think this is inexcuseable.

        my ex and I were together for 16 years and he doesnt even have the courtesy to break off gracefully. i was gone for a few months and when i came back he was already seeing another girl. no explanations, no break off conversation. and when confronted he says all this crap. and at the end of the conversation is the usual bail out – give it time…

  3. Bella September 19, 2014 at 11:33 am #

    I got three out of ten. He still loves me, but is no longer “in love”. And yes, he said he might one day really really regret his decision.
    I’m sure he said all this with the best intentions (he’s not a “bad” guy), just had no clue that it would be more difficult for me to accept the situation. Anyway, I have accepted it now (break up a month now), he’s already with someone else (how more definite can it be…), and I’m trying to move on.
    Ah yes, he also said he needed time “alone”, because his life “is a mess”. That doesn’t really correspond with the fact that he already has a new girlfriend, does it :-P

    • Bc October 1, 2014 at 11:03 pm #

      Bella I am in the same situation. 2 months broken up now. He has told me he misses me, cares for me, may regret it, needs space cause he doesn’t know if its over etc etc.. yet is dating and was dating a week and a half after… I turned into the needy, desperate pleading ex partly because of some of these comments. They gave me hope as he said he is having a hard time with the break up… so I pushed to get back together, he retreated and has now asked me not to contact him. I did get overally pushy and emotional on him and now regret it, but can’t apologize as he doesn’t want contact.

      Part of me was so confused that he was saying these things to me, but was still dating another girl… messed me up pretty bad and I now know that I can’t have contact with him as it is too hard on me at this time… maybe 6 + months down the road we can talk, but nothing can be said/done at this time.

  4. will November 1, 2014 at 6:27 pm #

    my ex split with me a little over 2 months ago. we both did some things wrong to lose trust in each other. she was flirting with other men and i was doing the same with other women. she saw what i was doing and broke it off. even though she was doing the same thing. she does have a past where she always blames her old flames for everything and doesnt take much responsibility for her actions. she was married four times. since the initial breakup we saw each other the first time and had a big fight. after that we met to give each other some personnal belongings and she broke down and started getting emotional. we had a nice talk and met up a week and a half later. things went bad at the end of that night. wi waited for two weeks before i talked to her again and had a good night. catching up and just hanging out. kept in contact during the week and met up the next sat. had a good night and at the end of it we talked for bout four hours about the relationship as a whole. hung out next day just for a couple hours and had a good time gave me a kiss when i was leaving. said she wanted me to come by and see her the night before she went out of town for the weekend. i did when i first walked in the door she jumoed into my arms and gave me a kiss. chilled out and talked for a hour then i was gonna leave so she could get some rest. when she got back into town we txt each other a couple times. that tues i see a truck at her house while doing some work. i asked her how her day was and she didnt respond to me. that night she txt me and said hi. i asked her if she got any rest that afternoon. she said she did this and that n unwound. the next night i went to her house and when i walked in she gave me a big kiss. making out type kiss. i asked her in different ways but not bringing up the fact i know someone was who was there the day before. she got very defensive and wanted to change the subject. i asked her if i could get the last of my stuff out of her house n then she turned it around and told me it was over. i started taking my stuff out to my truck and asked her for the last thing i had. i told her when we first started talkin after the breakup that if she tells me its over for good i will leave and not look back. she handed me the last thing of mine and tried to grab me and yelling at me to stop from leaving. i turned around and said a couple things. nothing harsh but spoke my mind bout our relationship. she looks at me and said. i cant do it right now. i told her when i leave the feelings will go away till there is none. she tried to get me to stay but i turned around and left. that was 2 and a half weeks ago. im just going through the breakup blues. i keep thinking that she may call me sometime. is that not likely to happen??. anyone with a opinion i would appreciate that from someone looking from the otside in

  5. Mark November 3, 2014 at 7:22 pm #

    My ex (the dumper) said that there was no connection but in the same conversation said I was the deepest connection he’s ever had in his life. Then he continuously kept inviting me out to dinner, church, lunch, movies, etc., over a period of four months until I finally had to put my foot down and initiate no contact while he was in a new relationship. It was so painful. I don’t understand how people can possibly continuously hurt someone they supposedly loved at some point. Never again do I want to put myself in that position again. Like I told him during the first dinner he invited me to, I got myself into this situation and I’m going to get myself out of it. People say you learn a lot about life going through breakups, but honestly, I don’t think I learned much. I learned that I distrust people and have become more cynical about the idea of love. Good luck to everyone in their own healing. :-)

    Mark

    • sumit November 13, 2014 at 7:44 am #

      @ will, your story is about same of mine,We had more then 4.5 year of relationship which we ended last month.Now you can imagine how terrible it for me to brokeup after spending such a long year with together.She loved me alot amd o too.But last month suddenly one man has come to her life on that period we were not talking to each other.But after few days when i called her she was ignoring me which she never did in 4.5 years of relation ship but finally i met her i cried in front of her and she said she does not know but she has no feel about me and she does not love that guy but still she love to spent time with him. I do not understood one thing how it can possible even i have done every thing for her. but still she was saying me i was feeling so bad.But finally i am in nc for more then 15days and i have planned that from now i do not want her i have to make my career and fulfill my dream i know it’s little tough but still i have to do it. Pls pray for me and best of luck you too.

  6. melissa November 7, 2014 at 6:00 am #

    Hi, my ex said his hands are tied and he is sorry. He said that means no other women In case I was wondering. What the heck does that mean? I am so fearful of getting hurt by the next one I’m considering giving up. This happened overnight by the way.

  7. tarah November 9, 2014 at 4:20 am #

    hello my ex told me that our relationship was a disaster but i don’t know how it was disaster and i asked him if we could try again and not let it get to disaster again but he wont

  8. Alex November 13, 2014 at 7:08 am #

    See me and my ex are still friends though we spent 4 months apart before occasionally hanging out. Our break up was pretty mutual and the truth was neither of us have people we can talk to about anything, so it seemed dumb not to be friends.

    Theres no chance of us getting back together because of the nature of our break up. I came out as a transman and he’s completely straight. My family acts like we’re dumb for staying friends but our situation isn’t one many break up experts think about i guess. I only have 1 ex I’m not friends with and that’s cause he was just a bad boyfriend.

  9. Alissa November 24, 2014 at 4:12 am #

    I heard just about all of those. All I can think about now is just how dishonest and lame they all sound. I think a man needs to man up and be blunt. It’s so confusing otherwise. To the dumper: you may think you are being polite and respectful, but its only short term. Its so much better to be open and honest.

  10. Anonymous December 8, 2014 at 1:38 am #

    Yes, my ex said almost all these sentences and he was really a jerk to begin with. I have never expected his change of heart happened tremendously within the last five months. And he still couldn’t forget of the girl he loved back then and hurt her at the same time.

  11. Dawn December 8, 2014 at 1:42 am #

    I was with a guy for almost a year, we’ve only finished less than two months ago. He said a few of the things you listed and it is definitely confusing to hear those things,but I have to say that he didn’t do it over text but face to face which I appreciate. A week later he wants to talk to me over the phone so I say ok, we get chatting and I’m very proud of myself as I was quite upbeat in tone. He starts off with asking me “so I take it you have found someone new” that pissed me off as if what we had was nothing to me, I replied of course not, he then asked if I was happy about us finishing and I said “no off course not but I can’t change how you feel about me so I’m gonna have to get over it aren’t I. Are you happy ‘ , he said “well iv made a choice now I’m just gonna have to live with it aren’t I” well that was a really weird choice of words to say the least, but I said again ” but are you happy ” he says” not really”, this makes me believe that maybe he will change his mind. We chatted a few times after that and everything was very friendly in those conversations, he always kept me in the loop of what was going on in his life, and I had also asked if he could leave a few of my things with his niece which I’m friends with as she was coming to mine one weekend about over a week ago, he didn’t give my things to her,which you would assume he wanted to give me them in person to see me,another annoying thing. Then his niece after alot of drinks spilled the beans that he was seeing someone casually and had been doing this as we were still together,well u can imagine how I felt. So I’m afraid I don’t have a clue what to think, but I do know this, you should always be careful of what you say as it can give false hope

  12. Trina December 16, 2014 at 6:04 am #

    My ex said many of these. He told me “I think you can do better”, he told me he was depressed. Then he wonders why I have no interest in getting back with him after a year. I recently hooked up with him just because I was lonely & he was willing. After we hooked up he let me know he has a gf. And asked if it didn’t work out with her would I date him again. I didn’t know what to say but I know I could never date him seriously ever again.

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