10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

As if one thing wasn’t enough, they had to add another thing on top of it:

Your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer, and they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.

What most of the “Dumpers” simply fail to understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort.

They can provide as much comfort, as a drug would to a drug addict.

But I don’t blame them.

I’ve been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper.” The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.

There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.

The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.

I’ve listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive.

Hopefully, YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.

1. “We can still be friends.”

This is an all-time classic.

There are actually three things behind this:

  1. The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
  2. The dumper doesn’t want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn’t want you IN their life)
  3. The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)

The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a breakup, and this is proven to be the best way to go.

Period.

2. “It’s not you, it’s me…”

This is something utterly stupid to say.

When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.

3. “I love you still, but…”

This sentence is also a big no-no.

I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person they are breaking up with. But that doesn’t make it ok to say it.

I understand that the dumper might think that it’s easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn’t.

On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.

“Then why is he breaking up with me?”

This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.

There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:

  • “I will always love you.”
  • “I’m always there for you.”
  • “I have loved you so much.”
  • “You are and always will be someone special to me.”
  • “I don’t want to lose you.”

These are all terrible statements you really don’t want to hear from your Ex who’s breaking up with you.

4. “I am simply not the relationship type.”

This is a classic one.

People have written me that they’ve heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.

5. “I am not good enough for you.”

This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me.”

This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.

6. “I need time to think.”

The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out.”

This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice:

The dumper had the plan to break up but pulled the plug. Instead, they are postponing the problem, at the cost of the one left behind.

The following “time-out” will be Hell for them: they don’t know whether they have been dumped or not.

The uncertainty is just unbearable.

In this case, I recommend for you to reply:

“I don’t want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”

7. “That’s life!”

Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don’t need YOU to tell me this during the breakup, dear Dumper!

8. “I really don’t want to hurt you.”

I’m sure you don’t want to hurt the one you’re breaking up with, but I’ve got news for you: You ALWAYS do.

It’s impossible to break up with someone without hurting.

That’s a fact.

All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.

That’s hard, of course, but doable.

9. “I’m sure that I will regret this.”

Now, what’s that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?

While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it.

In fact, this single expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking.”

10. “I don’t know what I want.”

This is very often an attempt to draw attention to them, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening.

If it’s followed by something like, “my life is a mess,” then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.

They don’t know what they want, but they still want to break up.

Don’t play this game.

Conclusion

If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this.

I’m sure you have best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.

Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. That’s the best you can do.

If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try not to take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.

All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.

The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant.

The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don’t burden yourself with the details.

Now it’s your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • My experience is that most dumpees don’t accept a break up. Thus one is forced into endless ‘talking about it’ and usually that’s when the platitudes above come out. People don’t seem to understand that a reason/justification is not a requirement to break up with someone.

  • This got me laughing my ass out.Lmao, I scored 6/10. . .after 2 years together,I didn’t take any of his reasons into consideration,I just knew that he grew out of love with me and I cannot force him to love me. I believe I was dumped for someone else thou he said he was not,if they give u such reasons, pls just create a closure for your self and never take their reasons to head.walk tall without looking back. .

  • “You’re everything I’ve been looking for, but I’m just not ready for the emotional commitment.”

    Yeah, got that one about two weeks ago.

  • I’m sad for everyone but I must admit I laughed out loud. Why? He said it all. Yes everyone of these lines. 25 yrs together, married 17. Yea single younger girls with no responsibility wanted him so he tried. And yes that one about I know I’ll regret this totally messed me up. Flash forward 1.5 yrs. I should have changed the keys locks asap. And worked on healing right away. Instead I allowed him to play his games. Be friends with benefits. Never did he watch our kids unless he came to see them if it was convenient for him. But he made sure I watched them 24 7 so I could not go out. Now he blames me for messing up our kids because I’m a pushover mom. It’s not that he walked out on us. made us move change schools etc. No its my fault the one who stayed and tried to give them stability? Truth is lesson learned. All these dumper have one thing in common. Selfish!!! If they we’re not they would’ve been able to end the relationship mutually and would not have used these lines that ate more a benefit to them. Must admit finding it hard to forgive and just love when he’s still playing his games. I finally pulled the plug and trying to be coparents nothing more. And trust me he hates me that I got a voice. It was ok for him but not for me. So sad that kids are involved. They didn’t deserve two 40 yr old childish patents. But as I said good lesson to all!!

  • I was told by my ex that the reason she broke up with me is because I’ve “mismanaged” a situation with my ex. Even though I reconciled the situation, she still told me she needed time to think. A couple months later, she’s in a new relationship, but she wants us to be friends because she still cares for me. Me still wanting to know if there was any type of reconciliation… she stated that she would let me know if she wanted to get back with me, but… that I shouldn’t wait around for her because she wants me to have a happy and full life.

  • I also got a few of the classics. “I still love you” “I will always love you” “I will always be your friend” “I miss you” “I hate the thought of losing you”. “We will always have a connection” etc. We were together 15 years, married eight of those, with an eight year old little boy in Ohio. He runs down to Florida to live with his mother and has been with some chick for over a year down there….still saying this stuff. Lol, spare me. I’m working on divorce papers as I write this. It would be nice if he stopped saying these stupid, sweet nothings because they really are just offensive and inflammatory at this point. Save the condolences Aaron. Trust me, it’s not comforting and it doesn’t ease the pain.

  • sometimes it’s not so simple. I seperated from my husband–a few times, but it feels like I was dumped. Funny, but true. I am the one ruminating, depressed, and alone.
    I asked him for change and he said it can’t happen. I must have been unable to believe it.I kept hanging on.
    His ex and their kid manufactured a lot of disruptive drama, and my husband claimed that he could not consider my needs because of his kid. I was loving to the kid, but she and the mom picked on me and lied about me and he said he couldnt do anything about it, though there were great times.In her teens the girl cut me off, and one seldom hears about this particular pain.It’s deep.
    He said over and over, when I asked for a healthier family life, that the strength of our relationship was that I was “independent” I had little part in family decisions.
    He would only say it was hard for him to cope , instead of showing he understood or otherwise trying to heal us.
    I seperated as a last resort because I felt he might finally understand that I would not accept his behavior: making us live according to the whims of his ex, telling me how it would be and not wanting to hear how I felt about it, keeping me in the dark.
    I had tried everything I knew to be heard. I imagined wrongly that I meant enough for him to wake up and work on it if faced with losing me.
    I was clear about what I needed, so all he needed to do was withhold it. If he just frustrated me enough he could be free and get a new woman. Yes, she’s younger. I am his 4th wife. I feel such a fool. I’ve been through breakups and this is the hardest. I feel like I lost the last 10 years of my youth.
    trying to take your advice to heart.

  • I got 3/10, she wants to be friends, she does not want to hurt me, and that she wants to be free/single and doesn’t know what she wants right now other than being happy. We were engaged to be married and she wants to still talk and be friends. She does not know if we will ever be back together, but she just wants to have fun, hang out with friends, and enjoy life… All ploys to not wanting a relationship, but to mingle and flirt… Sad I know considering I was going to spend my life with this girl/woman. She was 16 when we started out and now she is 22. I was 19 now 25, still trying to figure out what I need to do other than move on and forget her.

  • Heard 9 out of 10, no possibility to no contact for 60 days, cause we’re in divorce procedure.. we haven’t had the first appointment with lawyer yet… Either way I’m not contacting him at all… He writes me sometimes, but it stopped also when I didn’t answer his questions…

  • During a final phone call I got “I hope you find me in 5 years.” Then I got “I want to find you again, find us again, and be better and right for each other.” In my box of things returned. All from the same person. It has me so confused now. And holding on! Even though no contact is in full force.

  • What about when you have kids, and had been married for 16 years, and known each other for half your life… It is just a huge blow.

    Yes I heard, you are my best friend, I don’t want to hurt you, that’s life, I think all of them.
    The worst is I have to see this woman, although I have stayed away, don’t know for how long I can do this as I have to see my kids.

    In my mind I keep saying, she moved on, I have to do the same..
    by the way, I told her, I’m not your friend… (its so stupid, I used to tell her that I would be there for her always no matter what)

    I am trying to cure myself first until I’m ready to face her and be able to handle it. Its been 3 weeks no contact.

    No matter what they say, it hurts so much.

  • I got “you deserve so much more love than I can give you”. I guess a variation of the “I’m not good enough for you”. 🙁

    • Ah yes. The statement about what you deserve. And it’s always delivered with such magnanimous EMPHASIS.

      As opposed to what, I would like to ask? Like, how many people does your ex know that they DON’T believe deserve to loved and happy? As if it’s some special category they’ve put you in.

  • I got “I do still care for you and I wish you Godspeed on your new journey”. Huh? We were together 18 years. He dropped off a lot things I had given him through the years and stopped texting and emailing. Then sent me an email with the above statement. Wtf?

  • Well I got 10 out of 10…. Broke up 2 weeks ago, and although I decided to break up, it feels like he took the decision. Basically he was unemotional and non affectionate at all. My mother is going through cancer and I had my lows, and he would refuse to hug me when I asked for a hug. Cos he didn’t like hugs and bla bla bla bla. We’d always argue pretty much about the same thing. I said many times I felt unloved and lonely, but he just really didn’t know what to do, cos it didn’t come out of him. When I was at hospital for some problem and I asked him for company, he said, you are a grown woman, you can go alone. And like that pretty much every little thing. He is saying he loves me, and that he will regret it, and that he needs time to grow up, and that he is there for me and all these things. I have decided to cut all contact with him, because he wants to be friends and pretend nothing really happened. And that I’m an amazing woman and bla bla bla. I asked him if he’d want to get back, and he said no, that we made the right decision and he will stick to it…. ? I don’t know, I’m a fighter, the guy was cold, but I accepted him, and we were OK I guess (in his eyes we were super duper happy) but the lack of affection was affecting me at levels that I’m now beginning to understand. I saw a psychiatrist yesterday, and it helped me a lot, he didn’t medicate me or anything, but I’m gonna go for a few talks so he can help me, he said it is important that I have a space where I can talk, specially because I don’t have many friends. So I’m just trying to focus on short term lil achievements, like learning how to drive, working on some project and so on. It’s really hard. I just decided to cut him off completely now, and he says its hurting him…. Aaaanyways. This forum released my pain a bit, at least I’m not the only one going through heartbreak, never thought it would be this hard, I considered myself a pretty strong person, but it’s relieving to see what I’m going through it’s also pretty normal and that everything will be fine in the end. Also reinforces my decision of just cutting contact, it’s hard, but it’s also healthier.

    Anyways guys, let’s take a deep breath and embrace ourselves. Love for everybody.

  • We were together for 2 yrs and had been friends for 4yrs piror. I actually did the dumping…but it felt like he dumped me. He used the ‘It’ll be unfair on you’ but mostly the ‘I need time’ and ‘I don’t know what I want’ train. He also said that he was thinking of ending our relationship so that ‘we may have a better chance of getting back together in a few years after we’d both grown’. In the last month leading up to the finale he said he had depression and behaved like a jerk only to me, emotionally shutting only me out and being passive aggressive. I still want to be by his side and support him but it doesn’t seem possible if he acted like I was the source of his unhappiness. Still feeling terrible cause I’m not sure if he said all that stuff because he’s depressed or was pushing me away ‘for my own good’…

    Oh yeah…forgot to mention that he refused to communicate during the breakup so it’s sort of a limbo with a mutual understanding but without closure or input from him…

  • My ex said many of these. He told me “I think you can do better”, he told me he was depressed. Then he wonders why I have no interest in getting back with him after a year. I recently hooked up with him just because I was lonely & he was willing. After we hooked up he let me know he has a gf. And asked if it didn’t work out with her would I date him again. I didn’t know what to say but I know I could never date him seriously ever again.

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