As if one thing wasn't enough, they had to add another thing on top of it:
Your partner doesn't want to be with you any longer, and they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.
What most of the “Dumpers” simply fail to understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort.
They can provide as much comfort, as a drug would to a drug addict.
But I don't blame them.
I've been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper.” The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.
There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.
The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.
I've listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive.
Hopefully, YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.
1. “We can still be friends.”
This is an all-time classic.
There are actually three things behind this:
- The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
- The dumper doesn't want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn't want you IN their life)
- The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)
The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a breakup, and this is proven to be the best way to go.
Period.
2. “It's not you, it's me…”
This is something utterly stupid to say.
When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.
3. “I love you still, but…”
This sentence is also a big no-no.
I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person they are breaking up with. But that doesn't make it ok to say it.
I understand that the dumper might think that it's easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn't.
On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.
“Then why is he breaking up with me?”
This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.
There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:
- “I will always love you.”
- “I'm always there for you.”
- “I have loved you so much.”
- “You are and always will be someone special to me.”
- “I don't want to lose you.”
These are all terrible statements you really don't want to hear from your Ex who's breaking up with you.
4. “I am simply not the relationship type.”
This is a classic one.
People have written me that they've heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.
5. “I am not good enough for you.”
This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me.”
This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.
6. “I need time to think.”
The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out.”
This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice:
The dumper had the plan to break up but pulled the plug. Instead, they are postponing the problem, at the cost of the one left behind.
The following “time-out” will be Hell for them: they don't know whether they have been dumped or not.
The uncertainty is just unbearable.
In this case, I recommend for you to reply:
“I don't want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”
7. “That's life!”
Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don't need YOU to tell me this during the breakup, dear Dumper!
8. “I really don't want to hurt you.”
I'm sure you don't want to hurt the one you're breaking up with, but I've got news for you: You ALWAYS do.
It's impossible to break up with someone without hurting.
That's a fact.
All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.
That's hard, of course, but doable.
9. “I'm sure that I will regret this.”
Now, what's that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?
While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it.
In fact, this single expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking.”
10. “I don't know what I want.”
This is very often an attempt to draw attention to them, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening.
If it's followed by something like, “my life is a mess,” then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.
They don't know what they want, but they still want to break up.
Don't play this game.
Conclusion
If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this.
I'm sure you have best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.
Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. That's the best you can do.
If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try not to take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.
All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.
The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant.
The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don't burden yourself with the details.
Now it's your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Lmao, I had a drawn out break-up over a 2 week period with my ex of almost two years which happened at the same time I was going through a lot of family issues with people being sick and one shortly passing away and at the time my ex hit FIVE out of the TEN listed below. My Ex recently contacted me and still wants to be friends, while putting down constraints such as we can’t talk about the past… I told her either leave me alone or there will be questions I want answered, when she disagreed I told her to just leave me be and she told me to “f-cking get over myself” and later said she’s done “apologizing and pitying me” She cheated on me leading to the break-up and never did more then pick up a phone and tell me she can’t talk to me after the break-up I don’t understand how any of that qualifies as pity or why she keeps telling me about how she feels.
I got a really confusing email yesterday out of the blue, after about a month of nc. It was weird and I got the feeling it was to help him try to alleviate his guilt while simultaneously telling my I was amazing but we shouldn’t be together (reaffirming his choice). I didn’t ask or talk to him and I was so upset, I shut it down immediately. “You’re great but I still don’t want you” is far from the empowering message i’m looking for, and no information is useful right now.
My ex partner I was with for 2 and half years.
Everything was perfect, apart from the few minor disagreements here and there.
Every day I was told I was loved, I was his future, I was amazing.
I was the best he’d ever had.
We, was happy, so I presumed!
Then one day, he Decided to walk to College hand in hand telling me how much he loved me.
Within Half an hour of being in College he said ‘He needed time to think’ which, made me think, I’ll give him a few hours, which turned to weeks, months,
That was March, 2011.
2 Years on, until this very day, I still don’t know why we broke up, although I am no upset, and I came back stronger than ever.
I will probably never know the ‘real’ reason why he broke up with me so suddenly.
But what he’s really done, is a huge favour.
Yes, he hurt me. But he me what hurt is, so I can appreciate love so much more.
He has made me stronger.
I’m now in a 1 year Relationship.
– Don’t waste your time on the wrong person, because you’ll never find the right one.
Times the greatest healer.
Took me 6 – 7 months and I was myself again. 🙂 xx
Am happy to find this article and seriously most of the thing in here it feels like the story of my life.
the things that i hate after cheating on me twice even the second one want admit it as cheating cause it happen on the 3 day after we were on break the best rated answer that till today keep rolling in my head is.
”You i love you but him i like him” and it was a mistake i had a crush on him he was a fantasy now he means nothing.
”its not you its me”
her sister best answer ”maybe because your the only one she knew”
anyway my story goes back 5 years back and still this is my first time am letting in it out in front of millions cause cant deny it anymore i need help
“Lately, when we hang out, I see you more as a friend than a girlfriend.” Wow, that made me feel special.
“It’s too bad, because I really like your friends.” My friends had nothing to do with our relationship! Made me feel like he’d miss my friends as a “benefit” of us dating.
The classic, “I still want to be friends.” This is all from the same guy. Needless to say, I turned that offer down and have completely taken him out of my life as much as I can (Facebook, phone #, etc.). Clean break with no hope of rekindling at all on my side.
okay, first of all: Is there anything that you can say that won’t be considered “a dumb thing to say”?
I mean, at least for a few of these, there are situations in which the person would actually mean it, not just say it to feel less blameful.
I mean, my first instinct would probably be to write a detailed letter saying something like this:
Dear x,
I have known you for ~ 0yr 8 mn 5 d, and recently I have once again reevaluated the effects and nature of the complex relationship between you and me, and, as may have been foreseen, there is no such thing as perfection.
However, I worry about having a responsibility to not hurt other people, and seeing a negative trend in my own satisfaction, I would like to issue this statement as a warning regarding the situation. It is not in any ways a personal attack (however, I will warn that, when I am feeling irritated, I may engage in possibly hurtful criticisms.)
I would like a similar analysis in return, and possibly your own recommendations.
[explanation of possible reasons for a lack of satisfaction]
[discussion of likely results in the future]
If the status quo stays as is, I shall say that I hope you would not be surprised if I were to do things such as running away without saying anything, hiding, doing absolutely nothing, or pushing away.
Lastly, I would very much like to thank you for every kind act you have shared with me, and all of your willingness to do things. I feel vaguely sorry, and rather grateful, and would like to say that, given the chance to change my choices in the past, I would do the same as I have done. I live my entire life with the knowledge that one day I will die, and, however much it might sound nice to believe in everlasting love, all evidence points to this result being rather unlikely for me in particular. Therefore, I do things like these with an expectation that it will not be entirely permanent, in one way or another.
I do view the end result as very positive, for I have learnt a great deal about life.
i also am grateful for the availability of hugs & such forms of contact – they are more valuable to me than money as far as my needs to remain in health.
Excellent point Bill & a very well written break up. I’m sure it would be a lot easier receiving a letter like this (lol)
well, he broke up with me 2 years ago. He told me those words above when he’s breaking up with me. Its very difficult for me to move on because he was my co-worker. And there is no chance for me not to talk with him because of work. He just left the company mid last year. and i told to myself that I will be strong. and months passed by, i focused on my work. then yesterday, he went here in our office to bid goodbye because he will work abroad. its the 1st time I saw him again. I dont know how to react. But I still said “good luck” and congrats to him. It all comes back. All the memories, the happy days and as well as the heartaches. 🙁 and now, im stuck again with the same old me who wanted him so badly.
what shall i do?
Thank you all for this information and input. I think I do have a somewhat of a different situation and I would very much appreciate someone’s viewpoint and input on what is going on.
Having met the the teenage school girl of my dreams now both in our 50ies I was ecstatic for months. Believe it or not, found her on FaceBook and we got together for some great times that lasted only a month or two.
We are both divorced with grand kids and here I am – falling in love with my teenage dream and we had wonderful times together that were intense and emotional – and yes made lots of love.
Before we had time to put our agreed plans into action she writes me and says “I can’t contintue anymore. I have thought it through and don’t want to anymore for the moment – maybe later”.
We are chatting and are friends on FB and she leaves me hanging with the concept that there is a chance again in the future – but she does not want to make any plans or promises.
Now – to make it even more challenging, she just wanted to go on another fun vacation with me together with some more friends. She does not mind sharing the same hotel room and bed like we used to – but would not commit to make love. We would only be “friends”!?
I wonder how any other guy would feel when it is like “you are allowed to look at the candy and stick you hand in the box – but you can NOT have anything”!
You women out there having done this or know of such situation – what is going on in her mind?
I was ready to change my life plans and they are now on hold and I can’t really move forward.
She says “there are always opportunities around the corner”. Is that implication that I should move on and look for someone else?
I can’t figure out if I should just cut her off for good or not and not let her hurt me any more. It’s like she wants to have time to think it over while she maybe is looking for somebody else.
I’ve been beating myself up and gone through blame shame and regret and wondering what I did or said wrong – while there maybe was nothing. She even says I didn’t and there was nothing I said or did that made her change her mind.
She even said that “we had it just perfect, but my gut feeling changed and my heart and the brain and the stomach are not synchronized.” (What is that supposed to mean?)
Why does she want to leave me hanging and not telling me what really made her change her mind?
Is it worth playing the “cat and mouse game” and hope that she would take me back?
And you thought that love was only complicated in your teens and mid life? Try being alone when you have a few years left before retirement and considering dying alone.
Looking forward to hear from those who have time and care to give me some input.
Well.. You also inspire me a lot dear 🙂
I cried 2 weeks ago and I promised with myself that I’d not cry for him anymore 🙂
I’m here to listen for you too so if you wanna share, give me your email address so I can send email to you directly 🙂
Don’t cry girl >:D<
We're stronger than we think, specially at this time.
Because of your supportive comments, I feel much better today. I'm sorry if you're in this difficult situation, but let think that they broke up with us because their time in our storie is over and we deserve someone better, who treat us like a princess:P
5 days of No contact rule, it's still hard and painful but I strongly believe in this method can bring me back in time, stay happy and love someone else again 🙂
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it's happened.
Actually, Jen is not my nickname. I don't want someone who can find out who I am on this page so I chose another name and I was surprise when I saw your nickname on these comments above 😛
One of my friends even said, “You inspire me, you’re very strong.” Little did they know I still cry almost every single day. I just don’t want to be too much of a burden to anyone, even though they are my friends. Maybe it’s an Asian thing. 😀
Well, “Jen”, if you ever wanna share, or talk about anything, I’m all ears.
Haha im Asian too, and I do feel the same way, i dont want to keep talking about my break up over and over again to all my friends (while i kind of do). I want to be that kind of tough girl, thats like i am an incredible person and if you cant see that than thats your problem. So i keep on acting like i am to everybody. That i am just fine and over it ( while i am obviousmy not) The funny thing is I kind of started to feel like that strong person now ( day 12 of nc)
Maybe thats the key, keep acting it untill it comes true :p
Sarah: in that case, I’ll need to act some more. :)) It’s funny huh, this pride thingy. I guess we’re just born with this default setting, but sometimes denial gets in the way too much.
Jen: I would love to! Thing is… How to give my email address without exposing it here? Tricky tricky…
I agree with you 100%.
doing same. pretend i am okay when im outside.
Thank you a lot 🙂
I think I’ve found the answer for myself. I might still love him but I don’t think we can be a couple anymore ’cause of the time he left me behind. I think I can forgive but never forget so it can’t lead us to be a couple anymore.
I deactive my facebook today ’cause I don’t want to check his facebook over 100 times a day and see he’s still be okay without me, hanging out with his friends and have a lots fun.
You’re as much stronger than me. I guess 🙂
I wish I could say that about myself.
I’m not strong. In fact, I’m crying now. Hang in there, Jen. *speaking to both you and me* 😀
*if he truly cares*
Ask these questions to yourself:
Even if he does, will he want to fix the situations between you two, as in getting back together as a couple?
Even if he wants to get back together, would you want to accept him after everything he did, after all the pain?
Think about the pain and the consequences of prolonging the pain. It helped me a lot. Everytime I thought about the pain, I got the strength to tell myself, “No, you don’t wanna go back.”
As for the birthday greeting, after 23 days see how far you’ve come, how great the effort you took to get there, and ask yourself: is this worth it?
Thank a lot for giving advice.
He’s trying to call and message me. Last night he sent me a message :” If you don’t reply my message, I’ll be worried”. Then, I was so confused and my friend said I shouldn’t reply any message during the No contact rule period. If he truly, he will come to my house and see what happened with me:)
I try to focus on my study and deadline but still miss him a lot at night but I don’t cry anymore ’cause everything between us’s over 🙁
His birthday’s at the end of March so I wonder whether I should call him for birthday wishes or not. If I call him, I will break the rule after only 23 days.
please dont call him ，respect and love your self
Well..We broke up more than 6 months ago after dating for 4 years.
Now, I’m doing the No Contact Rule to him. I still keep being friends with him and he said he still loved me, still wanted to take care for me and had sex.
I don’t know why he said he loved me but he left me away. I don’t want to be friends with him after a lot of pain, wounds. I’ve tried to think that our relationship was over and nothing else between us but whenever he talked to me, I was so happy, like we’re a couple now.
After 3 days of the No contact rule, I’ve realized that I still loved him, I still wanna be with him. How difficult it is when I check his facebook over 100 times a day and it’s so terrible if I see another girl comment on his facebook.
need some advice 🙁
Hang in there. Try your best not to be alone. I am now living off two luggages. My friends lend me a single bed at their apartment and I moved out of my flat, giving up almost half of my wardrobe. I don’t have a single piece of furniture now, but it’s worth it cause I need to heal. Being around people help me to pull myself together.
The first month will be just hell. Might as well prepare yourself for that. I am now at my second and I am still struggling every day, but I cry less. This morning I woke up and the first thing in my mind was my deadline at work. I think it’s a good sign.
Good luck. 🙂
You are making a big mistake keeping contact with him. He is a manipulator. Stop communicating with him. Like he said you deserve better
Without any obvious warnings, like no fighting and him saying I was the love of his life every morning for over two years, I get a text from him saying that he took his stuff and is leaving…that he hit a wall, needs to find himself and I deserve so much better. **can you see my eyes rolling** ?
I also got the famous: If you need anything, I’m here for you.
I needed you to work on us and if you can’t do that and you are leaving me, what the hell else can you do for me ?
I told him that I would not contact him and that when it’s over, it’s over. He left on January 17th and I have had no contact since February 7th.
It is still very hard since there was no fights, no arguments and he would tell me every morning that he loved me and that he would take care of me.
I honestly think that if I saw him, I would kick him. How can people be so selfish ?
I ordered Eddie’s book and will abide by it. I have been NC for a while, but will take care of writing in the journal and listen to the audio. Hope this works !!
Chantal: Same here, no contact since February 7. Every day is a great struggle but everytime I think about what he did to me, I managed to pull myself together. Hang in there. 🙂
Thank you Jen,
I hope I can muster up that anger soon. I too struggle everyday … if only that tape of us would stop playing in my head, things would be better.
Hang in there too 🙂
Please allow me to add:
As dumper or dumpee: Don’t tell someone that you never loved them. And, don’t go trashing old memories. You may be a precious part of their life, don’t destroy it. Let them heal and let them be able to remember the good times and not feel like they wasted their life away.
There is nothing more difficult than someone ransacking the relationship to get rid of it.
Respect that there were good things in the relationship and, in time, you will remember them again. Those memories may help you to be a better person.
you’re right about that. Its what I always treasure. The good memories we had when we are still together.. Thanks for that comment of yours..
What great advice!!! I 100% agree with you. Why trash the relationship after, I mean, you guys had great memories at one point so why not just walk away will good thoughts, good intentions, good feelings, heads up high and say…tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow will be a great day, tomorrow is another day closer to finding the “right” one for me, tomorrow I will be a happier me! BE CONTENT with the situation you’re in and you’ll be okay!
“You’ll find someone better.”
– Are you kidding me? I was with you because I thought you were the best thing to happen to me and I don’t want to even think about being with someone else myself let alone have you say it.
“I’m too stressed with everything and I wanted to do this now before I completely ruin the friendship.”
– Oh okay so you’re already seeing this as a friendship? Makes me wonder how long you’ve been thinking about this before you actually had the balls to do it.
“I still want to talk to you, whenever you’re ready.”
– You REALLY shouldn’t leave this up to me. I want to see you and speak to you all the time, just like I have been through the relationship. Any bloke should give the girl space by telling them they will leave them alone for a while, not by saying this.
OMFG so I’ve been broken up over a year and the ex who refused to talk to me after a harsh break-up because I was feeling emotions at the time, messaged me recently telling me she wants to be friends, but when I’m ready, have moved on and will no longer bring up the past. Although she cheated on me and then manipulated me at the end of the relationship and never let me talk to her about it to begin with, and now she’s telling me she wants to be friends when I’ve gotten over it to the point I won’t feel the need to talk about it… On top of that she’s tried talking to me before in a similar manner after avoiding me for weeks after the initial break-up, when I finally gave up, months later she contacted me and suggested she was giving me space and when “I” was ready she wants to be friends. Some people are ridiculous
Lets see:
We can still be friends.
You deserve someone better, less of a jerk like me.
I know I will regret this
I have so much good things going on in my career and dream that I don’t have time (for a relationship)
You will be great, I know it.
I’m on 9th day of NC. There are times almost every day that I want to talk to him, but I have control over my desire to contact him now.
We were together for almost 3 years. We were happy. He got a cold feet or whatever and chickened out when I became this person who’s very negative, low self esteem, no confidence, dependent, self destructive emotional mess. I was getting worse and worse everyday cuz I felt like I was trying so hard to get a better job but couldn’t and things weren’t going as I planned.
On the other hand, he was doing well and almost too well that he became a workaholic and had no time for me and the dog… So I got mad at him and instead of I don’t know, comfort me he said that I wasn’t supportive and understanding of his passion and dream that’s becoming a reality. So that’s also the reason he broke up with me. I was supportive in my own way, I took care of our puppy, I cleaned and planned dinner and other things around his schedule cuz I knew he was working hard and he wanted to achieve his dream, but I was resentful towards him whenever he had business dinners and weekend appointments with his partner. I was supportive in a way I listened to how his work was going, encouraged him, understood what he was talking about and gave my two cents.
But at the end he wanted a girl who understood him.
All his friends and family liked me a lot. And I like them too.
I truly think he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, and I know whatever he said when we broke up was BS. I know he’s gonna come back.
He said all these sentences except the 9th one.. Just now removed him from my friend list. It’s been more than 3 months and I don’t want to feel dis pathetic way anymore.. I know it will take tym. it won’t happen overnight bt eventually everything vl b all right ! keep the faith ! 🙂
My man says breakup is for ‘our good’. If it is for ‘our’ good then why can’t I see that goodness? How can cutting down a relationship with a person you love the most be ever ‘good’ ?
i want you to find someone else,you should give people the chance, that hurt because he was saying he was not jealous any
more like he used to be and that basically he wanted me off his back. i was not bothering
him at all after the break up in fact it was him called and came to see me.
it was like he totally had no more feelings for me.
I think the truth was he had found someone else and was obviously smitten with her
then.
he also said horrible things like you know im not very good to be around for very long.
and when i told him i had met someone too now he said he was glad i had someone.
dont believe them after only 4 months they say they love you trust me they really dont.
it was too easy for him to just stop contact when he met this new one. all contact from him
stopped dead, yet when we had broke up not a week went by without him being in touch
for one thing or the other. it hurt that he didnt want to know me anymore.
we agreed to still be friends and he would come to see me but after a week nothing and i
just knew he truly was not interested in me any more. so i changed my number for my sake and have had to move on. i do not contact him at all but thoughts are there every day
and i feel sad too its been 9 months how sad is that.
he really is not worth my pain i know that but i enjoyed being with him he was my friend.
and its that i miss really.