As if one thing wasn't enough, they had to add another thing on top of it:
Your partner doesn't want to be with you any longer, and they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.
What most of the “Dumpers” simply fail to understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort.
They can provide as much comfort, as a drug would to a drug addict.
But I don't blame them.
I've been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper.” The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.
There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.
The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.
I've listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive.
Hopefully, YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.
1. “We can still be friends.”
This is an all-time classic.
There are actually three things behind this:
- The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
- The dumper doesn't want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn't want you IN their life)
- The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)
The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a breakup, and this is proven to be the best way to go.
Period.
2. “It's not you, it's me…”
This is something utterly stupid to say.
When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.
3. “I love you still, but…”
This sentence is also a big no-no.
I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person they are breaking up with. But that doesn't make it ok to say it.
I understand that the dumper might think that it's easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn't.
On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.
“Then why is he breaking up with me?”
This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.
There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:
- “I will always love you.”
- “I'm always there for you.”
- “I have loved you so much.”
- “You are and always will be someone special to me.”
- “I don't want to lose you.”
These are all terrible statements you really don't want to hear from your Ex who's breaking up with you.
4. “I am simply not the relationship type.”
This is a classic one.
People have written me that they've heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.
5. “I am not good enough for you.”
This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me.”
This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.
6. “I need time to think.”
The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out.”
This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice:
The dumper had the plan to break up but pulled the plug. Instead, they are postponing the problem, at the cost of the one left behind.
The following “time-out” will be Hell for them: they don't know whether they have been dumped or not.
The uncertainty is just unbearable.
In this case, I recommend for you to reply:
“I don't want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”
7. “That's life!”
Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don't need YOU to tell me this during the breakup, dear Dumper!
8. “I really don't want to hurt you.”
I'm sure you don't want to hurt the one you're breaking up with, but I've got news for you: You ALWAYS do.
It's impossible to break up with someone without hurting.
That's a fact.
All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.
That's hard, of course, but doable.
9. “I'm sure that I will regret this.”
Now, what's that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?
While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it.
In fact, this single expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking.”
10. “I don't know what I want.”
This is very often an attempt to draw attention to them, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening.
If it's followed by something like, “my life is a mess,” then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.
They don't know what they want, but they still want to break up.
Don't play this game.
Conclusion
If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this.
I'm sure you have best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.
Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. That's the best you can do.
If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try not to take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.
All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.
The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant.
The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don't burden yourself with the details.
Now it's your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
How about this:
“I still wanna marry you, but I wanna date other girls first.”
AND
“I think I'll come back to you in the end, don't give up on us.”
Who wants to be someone's second best!?!? Not me… but here I am taking this crap. I'm still in contact with my ex, and I'm having an extremely hard time letting go and putting the no-contact rule into practice. He's been saying he loves me and that we'll get married someday for the last 4 years, all the while treating me like worthless garbage. He always says that he thinks I'm the best, but he's not sure and he needs to date other people, yet he's still happy to spend time with me on the weekends… awful. Why do I love someone who makes me feel so horrible?
My gosh, are our ex's best friends? I got that for a while too. Letting go is the hardest thing ever, ive been trying to do that for 6 months now. Hes been seeing other girls and even if i look at another guy I feel like im cheating on him…how does that work?! You have to let go, there is no choice. He doesnt know what he wants and is leaving you in limbo which is the worst place to be. Thinking of you
“I can't be friends with people I've slept with. Especially the fact that we are dating, but I guess, we could still try to be friends. Perhaps someday our paths would cross, we might bump into each other.”
-> This truly made me cry when he said it.
“I dont know why i keep smiling, I keep thinking dirty thoughts, your delicious lips… rarara…”
“You know I still want you. Thats not a lie, because you still turn me on.”
-> WTF. is sex the only thing my ex bf thinks of? All of the time we were together, was he just using me?
“You're still my honey, my baby…I still love you. I want to be able to call you and talk.”
I can't believe how cruel he is: after our breakup he told me it was my fault and i pushed him to cheat on me, that he knows i wont ever take him back, i deserve someone better, im the best women he had and will ever have. He will always love me and is very thankful for teaching him how to love and be responsible. He cares for me and wants to help me go through my healing process???? is he stupid??? he told me i was going to get over it and find happiness again. oh and wants to maintain a friendship and is not willing to hear NO for an answer . about a week ago i asked him not to contact me by phone or mail ( he is in prison :)) and told him i will block his mail and phone calls
“You'll get over me. It's easy. And then you'll have a boyfriend and I'll have a girlfriend and we can be friends.”
Ha. Ha ha.
Translation in my mind: It was so easy for me to get over you and decide to go off chasing tail, I'm sure it will be the same for you.
I met my guy after a divorce. In fact we met on a social network and he was always engaging and trying to find out about me. He was going thru a divorce himself. Well, I met this new guy as I said went to a movie and thought “wow a great guy to just hang out with and go to movies with..” Or so I thought. He kept texting, phoning and would bring me lunch. He went out of his way to impress me the first 2 weeks. We got intimate and he started to dump goodies on me. Yeah, like he told his ex-wife my name and she googled me! She shows up on my doorstep too…fun. Oh and that he was ready to move to India to be with a woman he met on blip…but at the last min changed his mind. So he compares me to past women…he's 50 and has been married 3 x. Still I stuck it out. Now he's telling me he can't commit 100%. after 1 month. So I am going to dump him because he brings me down. Once we were out and he sees a girl in a vehicle next to us and he tells, me “see..I want to be with her. I believe she wants me too…” Of course this pisses me off..so..Better to cry now than later. And he ain't worth crying over…
I know that no contact is the best way forward… but being told “its gotten to the point where i have to be blunt with you. please don't ever contact me again” via email was harsh. I foolishly tried to get hold of him by texting 4 times and calling once after he disappeared for two weeks then deleted me off all his social networks out of the blue. This was after he showed interest and tried to engage in a physical relationship despite being just friends. He knew i wanted more from him, and he couldn't committ, but telling me he missed me and flirting was not fair, so i told him i couldnt do it anymore and ignored his messages.
Days later he went awol, and i reacted emotionally as i said. I wanted to know what i'd done to warrant being removed from his life like i didn't exist, so he told me via email he wanted no contact as i was the one who needed to move on. It shocked me as he always was the one who wouldn't let me let him go. Everytime iin the past when i initiated no contact he would keep on messaging me and ignore my request. So when he finally did it for real, via email, it was not expected. For weeks after i felt like i'd been wrong ignore him and was wrong to want to know why he'd taken me off his social chats. His email said he'd met someone. If he had why had he been flirting with me…
it set me back a bit, as i was hurt and confusedand i felt like he'd stolen my power by being the one to push me away instead.
I'm now healing because despite the way he did it, it was the best thing he could have done and something i should have done a long time ago. I now look back and see him for who he really is and not the illusion that was before.
Great site, if only i'd found this weeks ago when i still missed him
He said he could not give me what I need that he tried in all areas.
That he was fragile when we met and influential. That he should have been more stable financially. That he will never let love and his heart guide him again. That he needs to make something of himself now or he will be destroyed as his is going to be 34.
He is working on building himself as a man through his career. He is leaving the country to go back to his home land.
We have only done the no contact the first few months of the divorce, now we are in contact more than we should be. Some was for tax reasons and he carries my health insurance still. He says its his obligation to insure me until I find other insurance. This has kept me stuck to him and miss him EVEN though I know now how much I suffered in our marriage. I was in DENIAL.
I ended the relationship because he was not happy , he said I didn't change , that I still made the same mistakes ,, mean while he was acting different in the relationship , like he was not in it anymore..
i really hated “maybe down the road it will be a better time for us, you never know”
my response? if we're not together now we're never going to be.
Oh lets see.. well, in the first week after the breakup (right before which she slept with someone else, someone she barely knew), I heard the following gems from my girlfriend of 2 years:
“Its not you…”
“You deserve so much better…”
“Everything in [our village] reminds me of you..”
“I'm gonna facebook stalk you..”
“Maybe I don't want you to say ..[such n such flirty statement to new girls]”
“I care for you greatly despite my actions”
“I'm not proud of what I've done but its a decision I would have come to eventually..” {a personal fave of mine, does she mean screw around or decide to break up??}
“I am truly sorry for the way that this unravelled” {another fave, 'unravelled'?? ..ahem.. try you pouring gas on our relationship them lighting a match whilst cackling…}
“Its hard for me to imagine life in [our village] without you”
“You have been very important to me”
Some real gems in there. I am so glad I cut her out of my life, I now see her for what she really was – nothing I would want in my life.
“I am so glad I cut her out of my life, I now see her for what she really was – nothing I would want in my life.”
Your last sentence really hit home for me because its so true! I will definitely keep it in mind when the urge comes around to contact him.
I was told “I want us to get back together”, which turned into “I can't predict the future”, which turned into “i've told you there's no chance”.
Actually, no you didn't. Screw you.
I was the dumper bt wat happened is I still love him!!! so i spoke to him and told him that I still love him this happened after a month we broke up and wat he told me was I DNT LOVE U ANYMORE ACTUALI I DNT KNW IF I LOVE U OR NOT BUT I MISS U AT TIMES!!!! DONT HAVE HOPES ON ME…!!! This hurted me alot…I still love him from the bottom of ma heart!!! Though ppl say he played on me I still love him!!!
My fiance broke up with me two days ago. I have been strong since then and have tried to keep my head held high but it hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced. I was so confident, fun, outgoing, and had a great spark when I was single. He was the one who wanted to rush the relationship and I was taking it steady. Then when I began to fall in love with him I put my gaurd down and we switced roles. Me acting the way he was acting, wanting to get married, ready for kids, all of it I truly believe scared him away. And I got one of the worst with him saying “I’m just not happy”. We had a long distance relationship, and I did not see him but once every two weeks. I do not understand how he can attribute his unhappiness to me… Despite all our issues I was the happiest person in the world. And since the break up I have realized that I am still happy. Yes I am hurting but I have a huge future ahead of me especially since I am only 20 years old. I truly believe that all I need now is closure. How do I gain that?
This is so bad, I’ve heard them all from one person. That makes me feel pity for him, he’s weak..
@tony -As a woman, I have no clue what’s wrong with this woman. I’ve never done anything like what you said she did. Sorry, I wish I could help. But on a personal level, she sounds really mixed up to me, friends whatever that’s no biggy. Sometimes I wonder if these are all just games they play with us to see if we will profess our undying love, they really need to understand that that’s not the way it works, and it’s not fair. When someone says they lost that spark or they need time etc etc. it says they have doubts, how in the world do they expect you to start professing undying love after doing that? Makes no sense to me.
@Marilyn – The part that got me was he’d lost that spark. I think that sums it up, mess on all that wishy washy other stuff. He’s just playing you now. With your emotions and who god knows what else he’s after really. A player? Say whatever you want then run back in whenever you want? Whatever…
@Andy –
just heard every single one of thes over the course of about 3 weeks before i finally cut her off (sometimes i regret that because i miss her fiercely; she either wants me in her life on some level or wants me on a string). hope that you are doing well and have been able to move on.
@Lisalisa –
I am struggling with this same issue. my ex said that she hoped we could be friends and that we needed to give things a year to see “where our spirits take us” and each time she would reach out i would cling to hope that this meant she was holding onto me for the time when she was ready. if we have things to work on in order to grow, why can’t we work on them together?
Background:
Both of us divorced (young adolescent kids getting ready to go off on their own) Me in school full time and after having to get through a terrible abusive relationship lasting 17 years and taking 4 years to find the courage to date again.
This is my first real relationship since then and it was a LD relationship.
The short story goes:
I haven’t seen him for a couple months just prior to a week in Vegas. When he gets back (we had contact everyday that he was gone with lots of “love you babe’s” ) I pick him up at the same time having paper deadlines to finish and I take time out to spend time with him and really welcome him home then, for a second time in our relationship, he cuts off communication for no apparent reason, then why I ask why he texts back that ‘why is it I can’s just give him space…then there was other words but he may as well of had these in blaring neon “The spark is gone” . I ended that night’s conversation pretty quickly after that but first I got in a few FU’s. That night was restless and I spent the next day just doing homework and sitting silently with the pain…. then early that evening I got more texts and this is the conversation I chose to have:
Him: Do you still feel the same today?
Me: I’m trying to make my way through a philosophy book…my life will go on with or without you…I’m not sure what it is you want nor do I think you know either…you may be afraid of loosing something if your with me…shall I say freedom…so there is nothing I’m going to do to stop you…I’m not your keeper nor will I try…if you need time take all you want…like I said my life will go on…I want it to mean something to me so I will never give up on it…maybe its best we just let it go…I can’t do this anymore…its hard to find trust in a relationship that your not sure the other wants…and besides its to hard on my emotions to be wanted one day and ignored the rest…take the time to decide what it is you want in life…I may still be around or I may not but hopefully you will have discovered what it is you want…Are you ok?
Him: I guess you’re right in that I don’t know what I want…. I’m actually a wreck
Me: Just let it go…there’s nothing to get wrecked about…you’ll be fine eventually…then when your head is clear you’ll be free to figure out where you want to go from here…I’m not going to beg you to stay…it was always a choice you needed to make for yourself…however since its my feelings that are being tossed around with your indecisiveness it becomes my choice to let you do it to me or not…I choose not to live like that…nor do I think you want to either…we have to say good bye…and yes it hurts but it hurts equally as much if not more to leave it like this…give it time you’ll be fine and you’ll be free from the emotional upheaval that this relationship is causing…
Him: What is it that you want? What are your goals and dreams? You have made comments that there’s nothing holding you where you are … Doesn’t that create a lot of uncertainty for me as well? How am I to interpret all this? I’ve been wondering if I’m disposable when you decide what it is you want.
Me: Well all you had to do was ask me…instead you shut me out…I don’t know where I’m headed…I have school to finish…I set out to do it…its paid for so I’m going to finish…after that I don’t know…I have no plans…I guess I was just planning on going wherever my life takes me…after school I have to work…where or at what is too far in the future for me to see…but it was something I wished we could have talked about but when I brought it up all you could do was go silent and run…and no I have never thought you were disposable…hoping on flexible but never disposable
Him: Well that is what I want to be – flexible. I have no idea of where I’ll be in the future neither and am willing to just go with the flow so to speak, to a certain point. There are practical things, which I must plan for, such as a place to live that is not dependent upon being in [this work]. The writing is on the wall as far as my long-term continuation of what I do. And in all honesty that scares the hell out of me … All I know to do is [this work].
Me: Don’t you have bowling tonight?
(Ok in all honesty I switched the conversation here by not responding to his uncertainties. He could have brought them up way before this. Now I really don’t care what or what he doesn’t want or need or is confused about. Aren’t we all at times in our lives, is that a reason to just shut your feelings off? I don’t think so.)
Him: I’m not going. [Friend] and I went to the [restaurant] for supper and I couldn’t even finish one beer … It just started my guts churning so I’m staying home and trying to find something brainless to watch on tv and hopefully fall asleep
(Wants sympathy that I don’t have to give him)
Me: I didn’t go to class either…this mornings class was cancelled…but I am trying to get through some homework…and I’m trying to just stay calm…there is nothing I can do to change things so I’m just going to surrender to it and let it be…getting angry or falling into an emotional wreck just means I’m trying to control what is not in my control…basically just being still with the hurt…
Him: I’m sorry
Me: Don’t be…I’m not sorry I met you…just let me go …and don’t feel guilty I’ll be fine
Him: I know you’ll be fine as you’re a very strong lady … Its me that I’m worried about … For I do love you very deeply and I don’t know if I can go on without you
(I love you so deeply but “there is no spark” – This one isn’t worth a response and “I need space” – How much more space do you need was the last 2 months not enough?)
Me: You were doing perfectly fine before me and you will again…seems to me your problems started because you were with me…
Him: Not at all
Me: I’ll leave you be with your homework :*
Him: … That’s for now … Not permanently
(It’s permanent for me…I have set up the NC (No Contact) strategy and plan on sticking to it…after my silent retreat, Me, myself and I have all agreed that we will not be treated in such a manner and plan on putting one foot in front of the other and continue on. Looking back, I saw it coming I read the signs and figured I’d be the one to not act in a cowardice way by taking control of my life and making decisions that are in my best interest. The love and trust are gone, I will not beg for someone to love me for I love myself enough already. So if I’m going to be in a relationship then I want one in which “Love is the responsibility of an I for a You” . One that brings me joy to do things for another, not wanting to change them, liking everything about them (even the things I don’t like), feeling loved whether together or apart, putting an effort into making two ways of living into a respected and honored one way and hopefully they will reciprocate by finding joy in doing these things as well…If loving someone becomes a burden it wasn’t really love in the first place because there was never a time that you let the other be a subject (instead of an object) long enough in order to feel their true essence as a person…Now I say up and on with LIFE!)
Hi Marilyn,
I just want to say i found your response to your breakup very inspirational and it has made me feel very positive to moving on.
Thank you for sharing. : )