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5 Reasons Men Break Up With Women They Love

Photo by: Kerem Tapani

Recently, I was going through the newsletter archive of my friend Christian Carter, who as you know, is one of the leading experts in dating advice for women.

There was one particular issue in which the title literally jumped out at me.

It’s called, “Five Reasons Men Leave Women They Love”.

A pretty bold announcement for an article.

As contradictory as this statement may seem, I know from personal experience that things like this do tend to happen.

I once left a woman I loved.

Why did I do it you ask?

I’ll tell you in a minute, let’s first go through Christian’s five reasons why men leave women they actually love.

But before I do this, let me make something clear beforehand:

The reasons that will be stated in the following are NOT putting the women at fault for the men leaving.

It’s almost never one person alone who’s at fault, (there are exceptions).

As I’ve said many times over, a break-up is nobody’s fault – it’s just an occurrence of incompatibility.

Please keep that in mind while you continue to read.

Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”

Christian is referring to the old principle that we all seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is a basic human driving force behind everything we do.

He states that men tend to walk away if there is too much “pain” in the relationship, in forms of arguing and “freaking out” about things she doesn’t like about him.

This has a huge impact on the decision whether he is willing to put more energy into the preservation of the relationship, or whether he moves on.

My take on this is that it’s not necessarily an exclusive reason for men to break up. Nobody likes to be in a relationship where there’s no healthy communication about problems and frictions.

It doesn’t mean that you have to slug down everything you don’t like about him or her, it just means that you have to develop the skill of communication in a healthy and productive way, (see reason #5).

Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future

Christian claims that a man draws conclusions from how a woman acts on the “little things” to what she would do when the sh** really hits the fan.

“…if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better for them in the future.”

This is a tough one, (sounds even a little sexist).

When I read this reason, everything in me screamed, “NO, this isn’t true”. But on second thought, aren’t we all doing this?

Aren’t we – especially in the beginning of a relationship – constantly testing and predicting whether he or she is “future-proofed”?

And would we split up IF we came to the conclusion that he or she is NOT?

I leave that question in the room… you’ll soon know why.

Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction

Ok, this is a big one. And a stereotype as well.

Do men leave women who they no longer find attractive even if they love them?

Before I tell you what Christian thinks, let me tell you what my opinion on this one is.

I’m going to phrase this blatantly: I think that only “bad men material” leave a woman whom he is no longer attracted to, given the relationship is promising and there are feelings involved, (i.e. it’s not just a “physical” thing by mutual consent).

“Good men” will work out their own issues, (yes, losing attraction to his wife/girlfriend might be the man’s own fault), they will take all measures necessary to re-kindle that spark of attraction.

But Christian rightly isn’t exclusively talking about sexual attraction, he also says that:

“When a man doesn’t FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he’s with her, then he’ll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.”

I think that this is a very solid point. The feeling of connection with your partner is of utmost importance and if you lose it, then you are in trouble.

Christian continues by claiming that the main mistake women make in this situation is to try to re-establish connection by “fixing things”, by talking about it or “working on the relationship”.

A man wants to DO things together to know his relationship is working, (not talk).

I couldn’t agree more on this. This is one of the main differences between men and women when they try to fix a relationship.

My tip for you is to set “memory beacons” for your relationship by “experiencing” together. By experiences, I mean things you do together, challenges you master together, enjoyments you live through together.

All the things that really connect you.

Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence

This is of course a classic which is applicable equally to women AND men, (in fact, this has a far more devastating effect to the relationship when men are behaving this way).

IF this relationship is everything to you – your life’s purpose – and you have nothing else going on in your life, you are neglecting friends, your work, your hobbies, all the things that define who YOU are… then you will appear as needy, (or codependent).

And neediness in a relationship is one of the biggest turn-offs ever to men AND women.

After your break-up, were you wondering where all your friends went that you used to have plenty of contact with? Are you wondering why all the things that used to give you pleasure don’t anymore? Are you wondering who you became?

Still thinking about him? Click here to take our quiz to find out how to move on and how long your recovery will take.

The reason for all of these questions is that you lost yourself during the relationship.

“Often times a man will leave a woman because he sees that she depends too much on him and has lost her own sources of happiness”.

Reason #5: “She’s Trying To Fix Me…”

I have to admit that this one got me thinking.

Christian writes that despite the common misconception that people can’t really change, men CAN change for a woman, but they have to do it out of self-interest.

A man needs his OWN reasons to change.

“It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.”

So according to Christian, a woman can take advantage of that fact by understanding HIS personal reasons for doing the work for a better relationship.

What most women are doing wrong is that they are trying to make the man understand how it affects HER, not HIM.

“People are motivated by the things THEY WANT, and not what others feel and want”.

Christian suggests that you work WITH your man, instead of against him.

He concludes by writing that one of the most important things is creating that emotional experience with a man. Because if a man is deeply committed to you and the relationship, every “issue” you might have are just bumps on the road… they cannot hurt you.

But if there is no commitment from his side, then every little problem is going to leave him “irritated, frustrated, and
have him wanting to blame you and withdraw”.

My Personal Experience

I told you at the beginning of this article that I once broke up with a woman I loved, and said that I’d tell you my personal reasons for it.

The reason I broke up with her – and it was one of the hardest things I had to do, (despite my own break-up) – was because I saw absolutely no future for a life together… and I so dearly wanted a future.

We were absolutely and utterly incompatible in so many ways… but so compatible in other small ways.

Unfortunately, those incompatibilities were the ones that mattered.

So, Christian’s reason #2 was definitely the reason I broke up with a woman whom I was deeply, emotionally involved with.

From my experience and knowledge I’d had until that moment, I just could not see a happy and fulfilled relationship future.

Ultimately, I am happy that I did it, because that made the way to meeting my wife, who I am still married to up until today.

What do YOU think about Christian’s reasons stated above? Please do share in the comment section.

By the way, if you want to learn more about my friend Christian Carter, click here.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

180 Responses to 5 Reasons Men Break Up With Women They Love

  1. AdrianaTheCoach February 22, 2016 at 4:08 am #

    #6. A Man Will Break Up With a Woman That He Can’t Make Happy-

    If a man can’t win in a relationship, it doesn’t matter how much he loves her, he will leave her. ESPECIALLY if he really respects her. He’ll want whats best for her, and if that’s not him, then he will leave. If there is nothing of value he can provide, no way he can protect her, and no way to make her happy, THAT is a point of pain for him. He will feel emasculated. He won’t feel valued. He will have nothing to praise himself for, or be praised for.

    I think this is a major point we need to make to women in today’s society. To all of our beautiful, independent, strong, “I cant take care of myself” women, that don’t realize that men WANT to help us, and WANT to make us happy. If he can’t win at that, he will walk away.

  2. Lisa February 27, 2016 at 5:39 am #

    Well guess what i love my husband and he tells me that im fooling around and has been for years. He state i have bought a truck for another man wow im not understanding this. Because he knows all i do is work and come home true iv done it for four years but that’s to keep him from working another job with his heart problem i don’t understand and how do i make him belive me when its all been right before him me working and comming home. Help me.

    • Dee March 30, 2016 at 3:06 pm #

      Wow!!! This made my heart cry. I can tell you truly love your husband-That was one of the biggest acts of love ever. He’s just feeling a bit emasculated but it’s no fault of yours; it’s just his pride and ego. What you can do is not respond to him in kind when he accuses you but simply correct him very lovingly and consistently. It’ll take patience but I think you can do it

    • Shar lene May 8, 2016 at 2:47 pm #

      Hi Lisa,
      Thats truely amazing of you, your husband needs to know how you feel about him. If you really love him to that for him you guys need to communicate a little better. I think that situatiom hes in doesnt suprise me thst he’d get a bit skeptical, him being the man and all. Even with his lesser input in the income due to his medical issue you can imagine how as a man that would make him feel insecure.

  3. Kaos February 28, 2016 at 7:44 am #

    What I don’t see is how do men decide that they don’t see a future with someone, but right at the beginning they see start dreaming of the future themselves and they pursue girls and then when the girl gives in they dare to say I don’t see any future with you… So they decide they dont see a future and we have to let go even if we know there’s a future if we work out. Sometimes I feel people don’t have intention at all from the beginning it’s just words spoken to make the other fall for them, and leave them half way..Some see the future and then after years they get a divorced….

    • Linda May 7, 2016 at 7:23 pm #

      I could not agree more with you! That is exactly how i feel as well.

    • Shar lene May 8, 2016 at 2:57 pm #

      I actually dumped a girl whom were both in the situation you described. Id say the reasons why I let her go was 4/5 of the reasons listed above. As i went through each reason it felt like the author understood my situation. Now don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with women at the end of these kinds of break ups. But these issues drive men away no doubt. At first I did fall victim to this infatuation, but as the relationship progressed and rational begins to come back its usually around 3-6 months when men ask if there is really a future together beyond the mere physical attractiveness. I let my gf go because she was not being herself changed herself to do things i was doing despite me telling her to be herself. The emotional and low self esteem issues, always irritated at small things and anything really. My helplessness in lifting her daily sour moods, and her constant attitude and rejection when i tried to tell her she was beautiful everyday when she constantly puts herself down. Then there was her demanding checklist and complaining. I knew from the 3rd date our relationship was hopeless but because i cared for her i tried to change and fix everything she got irritated about. I lasted 2 months being not me, so i just then and their called her and ended it, i was so happy the next day for some odd reason it felt like I resigned from a miserable job.

    • Mandy June 14, 2016 at 6:17 pm #

      I agree with you 100% I was in a relationship he always used to say he didnt wanna lose me…he talked abut future and even proposed to me then we were engaged and he broke up cuz he wasnt ready for a relationship 1 after the break up he was dating someone else.

  4. Reneka February 29, 2016 at 9:54 am #

    Number 5 I don’t get… How can you work with someone who feels they are not committed to you… I always believed that both men and women alike can change only when they feel the need to change, however, in life and anything you do if there is no commitment it’s not gonna work anyway… Men should be honest where there’s no love, there is no commitment , there is no change. So don’t tell us to hang in there with someone who isn’t committed to us but will leave us whom they claim they love it if we try to change them. love and commitment is practically the same

  5. Tender Love March 7, 2016 at 1:41 pm #

    Love is not a two way street or a road travelled together. True love is a 3D intricate freeway with loops and wormholes galore. Well developed, loving, caring people move through these constructs at varying speeds, depending on whether or not they feel the construct requires their attention. What men and women don’t realize is that every road must be travelled in that universe and that the infrastructure needs attention: not fixing… Active listening is the most important tool. Listening without judgement; to be understood and to know what matters to a partner. This listening requires some vigilance from both partners. When audible communication ensues, people need to make certain they clearly understand the causal points of contention or concern in order avoid chipping away at meaningful and healthy infrastructure… The tone of ithe communication will seriously impact receptivity of the partner: how you talk to them will affect the current undertaking and future points. I could go on forever, but love has to be nurtured to grow and requires constant attention…sometimes the dynamics need to be completely reinvented: old roads transformed into new freeways…some people call relationships a lot of work and they are right only when one person carries the load. True love is varying degrees of messy and pristine. People leave relationships because the gifts try to share are left at the curb: unrecognized, simply ignored or undervalued by the partner… Piece of the puzzle?

  6. Bea March 17, 2016 at 12:50 am #

    I so feel for you Debbie,never really know the reason, why, I have been with my partner for a 4 and a half years, both 49 ,we never argued, both could always find common ground went on holidays together, been to weddings and funerals, met each others families, almost every day he picked me up from work, we cooked together, snuggle in front of a TV,spend weekends together had me days for friends and hobbies, few months ago we stopped having sex,i tried to talk to him about it but never got an answer, i think he wasn’t attracted to me anymore but more like a friend, i asked but never got an answer, in the end we did not speak to each other for over 3weeks now, I send him a message asking if he wants to meet up and talk or is it the end of our relationship, after a minute he replies that of course we just like each other but it is not his intention to say goodbye cose he is not dying, he will let me know and we will meet up, what was that supposed to mean, week went by and exept one message saying happy 8 of March, which in our country is women’s day never heard nothing sad man sad woman having still hope, what do you think, please feel free to comment, thank y

    • Karo August 10, 2016 at 11:22 pm #

      Hi, I would be very worried that he has been diagnosed with a terminal disease…

  7. Lynette March 22, 2016 at 4:41 am #

    Ten year relationship ended in February. It was on-off-on-off for the last two years and limped along since then. We both professed to love each other, but only one of us wanted to find ways to resolve our problems. (me). It’s hard to accept that someone can say things like “you are the love of my life” yet not desire to preserve the relationship. That makes the words “you are the love of my life” have absolutely no meaning. What did he think? We would skate through life without ever having conflict? How sad to invest so many years of one’s life and have that be the final straw. He went to a memorial service of a life long friend who passed away last month. In walks a woman he knew from his childhood. She is now my replacement. A week after we spent our last night together, he was spending them with her. I’m in a state of shock. Do words mean nothing anymore? I can’t even consider having dinner with another man let alone spending the night. And he’s already given his heart to someone within a week – he “loves” her, he told me. Seems like the path of least resistance when you choose a women you knew as a kid – Anyway, ten years of passion didn’t make him flinch – he moved forward fairly easily. So he’s got a new “love of his life” now. I teach communication skills to adults but couldn’t fix my own relationship. We were the classic Win/Lose couple. He won/I lost – on almost every aspect of our relationship. But as Stephen Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the Lose/Win mentality is just as pathetic as the Win/Lose mentality. I gave in to way too much – and when I finally started to toughen up and hold my ground on certain issues, he open the door to someone else. Well, the silver lining is, I’ll strike a win/win with someone else when the time is right. If the next relationship is not mutually beneficial, I’m not interested.

    • mia April 14, 2016 at 2:26 am #

      Lynette, I am going through something similar. 10 years of me giving. Can we email?

      • Lynette Landing June 15, 2016 at 9:29 am #

        Sure Mia, contact me at lynettelanding@gmail.com.

        • Gen August 4, 2016 at 12:38 pm #

          would love to pick your brains more about this! – nail on the head. going through something similar too, minus the ‘new woman’ aspect of it all! mind if I drop you and email?

  8. di March 26, 2016 at 1:57 pm #

    This topic brings to mind what about the grown man who takes woman to live with him in his home tells them he loves them goes on his trips for weeks , meets someone else and calls the woman and tells her to get out of his house because he met someone else while away? I know a man who has been a friend but i nor his other friends wang to continue to see him do this to evey woman he gets involved with. They’re devastated and confused because he tells them he loves them before he leaves. He is retired and spends timd visiting other places for investment in real-estate vrntures, hence the traveling. We are starting to believe he just wants to hurt women. He had a very domineering mother and he has an estranged daughter. The man is 70 years old for god sakes! You’d think he’d “grow up”laready. He was married for 30 yeats. Divorced met a beautiful women who we felt really was good for him anx kept him grounded and happy through all his sadness regarding his divorce and less than pleasant relationship with his grown children. She was with him for 16 years and they truly cared for each other from what we could observe. They did alot together always seen them out walking and talking and helping each other. He called her one day while away and wanted her to leave the house because he met someone else and claimed he loved her. Well, that 6 month relationship didnt work a disaster she was a bad alcoholic. He seems to be connecting to woman with no jobs and they’re getinng younger and younger this new one is 30 and hes 70! Oh, and rumored she is pregnant?? Really??? We are seriously thinking of telling him we can no longer associate and he needs mental help . He is hurting people left and right with no regard. He feels if he tells a woman to leave his home he has nothing owed to her and they should leave.. we also suspect he is using cocaine.what a mess!

  9. alexi April 10, 2016 at 2:18 am #

    I have met this guy 5 years ago after my husband passed away. we had great relationship then had to live out of state we saw each other once in a while travelled he told me how much he loves me and cares for he is ready for commitment then he changed his mind when i tried to ask hm we should have commitment. Since he lives out of state he said its hard to have long distance relationship although he had called number of times a day and texted and was willing for me to go and visit him. I saw there is no hope for the last time i asked him I can’t go one without commitment when he promised me for a life partner. He said we live far away won’t work but he loves me. I told him i need commitment and you are not ready go find another woman i know you always do online or playing ur bridge on line. I never heard from him. last time he had left a message telling me i love you. What is wrong in this picture? I can’t get over him and refuse to call him. I am sure he found another woman since i haven’t heard from him. Before even though i never answered him he never stopped e-mailing texting and calling.
    I feel i don’t want to date anymore or be with a man i still love him and in denial expecting one day he will realize and call me. I told him i can’t have relationship because my heart is with u. This is going on on and off for so many years.

  10. Les April 11, 2016 at 1:01 am #

    I was with my ex for 5months. In the begin the feels where very strong for him. He says he still cares, by the feeling just left and he doesn’t know why. I’m completely heart broken. He was in a bad relationship for 10years. I am sacred he put up at wall. I want to try and work through it with him and show him I care. We talk a lot still and he has checked on me since the break up. And still wants to spend time with my son.

  11. girl next door May 20, 2016 at 7:10 am #

    I have been dating a man for 6 months. When I met him he wanted to immediately sweep me off the floor…. He used his charm, but it bothered me a little because I could immediately see our class difference, and I was not sure how he would respond, so I held back.

    I slowed the process down, though he was going fast….. and then saw him 2-3 times a week.. we’d talk a little during the week with short texts.

    He completely confused me. Sometimes I had absolutely NO clue what he was even talking about. I became interested just to figure this puzzle piece out. I had never been in a relationship where the man complained 24-7.

    If I told him I could not meet him because I had been working and he begged me to come… I might go only for him to be upset I was not dressed. I had told him I was not dressed for a date.

    He’d disappear for a few days and come back…. and I would go on with life.

    He then began with this “there is something wrong with you” routine. Really? I always tried to be nice and polite, but I am not a TALK SWEETLY person… I think that is cultural.. and we do have cultural differences. and I thought with could be that tool.

    At 5 am when we had to go somewhere.. we stopped for coffee and a sweet. He was upset that I looked homeless at 5 am. At 5 am, I dont really care what anyone thinks of me….its 5 am for gosh sakes.

    Recently, I had gotten very upset with his behavior… and I told him. He took as he usually did ( assuming facts not in evidence) that I had dumped him… so we did not talk for a week. Then he told me that he wanted SUSHI at 9 pm.. the place did not take a credit card, and if I did not have the cash on me, I should go home…. so I went home after driving half way there…. I had only about $8-$9 dollars…. and was a little low till I could get to the bank.

    When I finally got to see him.. He was upset I was 30 minutes late. I had talked to him only an hour before and it took me 30 minutes to get to him just driving. He went on and on, and kept saying thinkg have to change… He always says things have to change, but I have no clue what.. and he can not express it. He finally told me to I had to go… he loved me but I had to go.

    I decided to post here because I read this in #2…

    “…if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better for them in the future.”

    I know my beau if trying to explain things, and I try to ask questions which is the wrong thing to do in an effort to understand. Economically we are on the same level.. Socially we are not, on top of the cultural differences. When a man tried to explain…… what if you do not comprehend what they are saying? What if they keep assuming facts that are not correct to begin with and then they draw conclusions based on those incorrect facts? What if they see you as BOSS.. when you dont open your mouth just trying to get it and not make waves?

    I dont want to control the relationship. I dont see that point of control really. I dont want to be boss.. never have. not interested in that kind of title. Now I wonder if the problem is not class levels but control issues, cause he does have them.. and if he wants to be boss.. great, but he does not see it that way.

    I am a professional. I can be a sweet soft not sure what to do bimbo….. that is not me. I do try to talk sweetly…but I can not do that all day long… sometimes, I am hurried.

    I left. I will miss him, he has grown on me. He has become more rebellious.. Selling olff all of his toys.. gave up his apt to live in a motor home till he can move back into his home. I have no clue what is going on, and I usually can figure things out… but I am in stall mode with this one. He even went out and marked up his arm with a tatoo…. and he is in his 50s.

    I want to laugh and have fun with him, but that idea hits brick walls. I am moving on…in no contact mode. He has come back after every stunt so far. I expect he might come back, but not sure this time. He offered me money, but I did not take it because I dont feel comfortable about that idea.yet. I have my own money. I ve been a single mom.. single mom’s have to fight for every position… so he sees my strength… but I dont talk about it. I actually don’t say a lot, I let him talk.

    I wish I could understand this man. I dont want to be the boss. I dont want to be always right … I dont want to control. I do want a partner… a friend, and a lover….. I want just a normal relationship. I am such a simple person.. I like nice, usually get nice… but I like to keep it simple.

    Can someone explain to me what is going on here?

    • None May 26, 2016 at 11:03 pm #

      He has the profile of an abuser… careful there, keep your eyes open.

      • ronze May 31, 2016 at 1:12 am #

        He is erratic. I had a boyfriend who disappeared for days too. Turns out he was binging on cocaine for those days. It was also causing his erratic behaviour and thinking things that weren’t reality. Dump this guy. He is playing vicious games. You will lose every time. These guys spend their lives going after one weak woman with no self esteem after the other and when they finally meet a woman with her shit together, they can’t handle it. Mine ended up getting physical due to him not being able to control my every movement. This relationship will never be calm or normal. He won’t let it be. In the past he creates a power imbalance by behaving in confusing and erratic ways to keep his women always guessing and off kilter. That way her mind is always on him and what the hell is going on. When you aren’t with him you are probably not in his mind at all. Good LUck.

      • I am sam June 29, 2016 at 6:26 pm #

        Am in the valley decision. Sometimes I just wanna use a sickle to pierce my words into her head to she does process it HER WAY. Always hard to get her to listen to my feelings.

        Meanwhile when ladies go online and read articles like this, they tend to take a not-our-fault approach.
        This article goes a long way in explaining almost stereotypically what makes us leave. It something you should watch out for not debate.
        I just want to be able communicate and know that someone is listening to my feels too and not how it affects her

      • Marin Lunsford August 21, 2016 at 7:10 pm #

        Yes!!! Exactly what I thought.

  12. Michelle June 4, 2016 at 1:13 am #

    After almost a year together and deep feelings of love that he left me because I believe the thought we didn’t have a future together. I think he thought that he wasn’t good enough for me. I know that he loves me deeply and he knows that I feel the same. He just stopped, he just gave up and it hurt and what’s more is he went back to the ex girlfriend who is illegal and so unattractive because she is there to help him with his home and ranch and I did that too but all along he treated me like a princess and he didn’t see me in that life I don’t think. Even though I had grown to love and adore it. I think pressure from his family as well is what caused it. In the end the way he brought my things back and placed them in back yard with care and love, showed me in the end that his heart was breaking knowing that he broke mine. Knowing just how very much I loved him. I still love him. I always will. He was so good to me, so sweet, loving and he lied too…he cheated on me. In a way I think that he was also saving me from hurting me like that again. its like he can’t help himself. He has a deviant mind and I know that he cheated on his ex wife and I think on that illegal girlfriend as well but with me he found true love and I know he felt regret and disdain for himself and he ended it and continued with me but deep inside I knew he cheated on me and he knew that hurt me a great deal. He let me go to save me from himself and his hurtful ways and he knew that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. So painful.

  13. Sherri June 7, 2016 at 5:18 pm #

    Mine said he loved me more than any other woman he has been with…for months he told everyone he was going to marry me. He was very needy at first but slowed down a bit after we talked about it. He had an issue with me being friends with other men (I’ve known for years) on Facebook. He disappeared for days and then I called him, he said he wanted to work things out but I barely hear from him. Now it’s “Honestly, don’t know what I want”. I’m so hurt. Should I move on?

  14. Nina June 11, 2016 at 5:44 am #

    I’ve been with my boyfriend/common law partner for 3 1/2 years. June 5 before midnight he broke up with me because of reason #2 that he doesn’t see a future with us. We have a 14 years gap, his much older than me but that never been a problem in our relationship. He was my first of everything. When we first met I didn’t want anything to do with him and the fact that I don’t want to deal with human contact (I was molested when I was a child). On our 2nd date I felt that I can trust him and told him about my situation (my fear of human contact) and my inexperience with the opposite sex. He said that I’m his soulmate and that he will wait for me and he will be patient. My gut told me that he is the one and slowly started to feel as if everything will be okay. The first fight we had was when I couldn’t say I love him back no matter how much he said it to me but no matter what I couldn’t say it out loud, all my life I don’t think I’ve ever said I love you to anyone before it frighten me and I end up walking out of his place in the middle of the night. Eventually we worked it out and I am able to say I love you to him and mean it. He wanted to meet my family as he knew they are very protective towards me due to what happen to me, everything was set but my mother did not like him and does not approve of our relationship. My mother thinks that we don’t match (my mother is all about what society thinks of her and having a daughter date just a nurse is not good enough) and wants him investigated. I don’t agree with what my mother think, I thought she’d be happy that I actually have a relationship with the opposite sex and support my happiness. Let’s just say that our relationship as mother and daughter ended after a few months later (this is due to her trying to control me not because of my relationship). He was not happy about my decision to cut my mother off and often try to convince me to talk to her and mend our relationship but once I’ve told him it was not the first time that I cut my ties with my mother he understood that it has to be my decision. With him I felt very happy, I was able to act however I want without being judge or criticize for my action, i felt protected and cherish. Then comes the break up. It was Valentine’s Day and we spend it at a friends house. We had so much fun then I decided to check my phone before leaving the party. It was a text from my big brother (protective and tend to act like his my dad) and he was not happy with what I’m doing in my life (short story my mother over exaggerated that it’s my fault why she’s stress out and losing her hair, eventually my brother end up taking my side over my mother in the future in both relationship and the decision to cut my ties with our mother) and posted a nasty comment online where a pic of my bf with a common friends of ours was showed to my bf. My bf was not happy about it and we had a big fight and as a result of my family constantly attacking him he called me and said that it’s not going to work out and that his not good enough for me. I tried talking to him but he said that it’s him not me and there’s no future for us. I was devastated, we have been together for a year, he was my first love, first of everything with the opposite sex. After 3 months we met, we still have feelings for each other and decided to take it slow then we end up getting back together. The day after he lost his job, I was there for him and stayed with his depression. He eventually found a job, downgraded from his other job but a job that pays. Everything was working out for us then I found out I was pregnant. When we had an appt to confirm my pregnancy we found out that it was ectopic pregnancy, the doctor explain to me what it means and ask me what we would like to do, he didn’t say anything and just waited for my decision. It was hard but I decided to end my pregnancy, he didn’t say anything and just hug me. On our 1yr and 6 months together he moved in with me when my roommate took off, we never discuss about moving together but it seems the right opportunity. We never fought since we moved in together, due to our age cap he often explain stuff to me that I don’t understand and I would show him how techy savy I am especially whenever he lost his phone. We are each other’s best friend, we talk about our plans for the future, he told me we should only have one pregnancy I was still undecided whether I want to have a child after the previous pregnancy and we spend all our time together if we are not working. We are anti social as we only want to just hang out in our place cuddling in bed, living room and just being together, we were never bored of each other. When we do go out I’m the sober person as I cannot tolerate alcohol very well, when his drunk he tends to get emotional and yell out his feelings for me and propose to me constantly that I often ignore. The next day I tell him what he say and with a serious face he tells me that I am his soulmate, he knew that I am the one for him and he wants to create a future together. He now propose to me when his sober and drunk. He wanted to wait till he had enough money to give me a proper engagement ring but I said I only want one ring and that’s the one you put on my finger on our wedding.After a year of him proposing, telling me what our life will be in the future my heart starts believing him and started planning the future together. When the economy slowed down he lost his job and was on ei for a long time. I din’t know what I can do for him as he was really depresse and at the same time our sex life deteriorate. In one year we barely have sex, when I mention this to him he tells me that sex is not everything as long as we’re together. He found a job as a fisherman for an old friend but it’s was a 22hrs drive. We were not financially able to move to a new city right away so we both decided that I’d stay and continue working while he stay rent free @ his friends place to be a fisherman. Our plan was that after 3 months of working he should have safe enough money for us to afford to move. The first month away from each other we were always on the phone, it’s like we were dating all over again. The 2nd month was harder because his often out at sea with no contact and when they go back on port he seemed more distant, he describe how hard the life is like out @ sea, I’d tell him about my work and often he tells me that I have it easy compared to him. He often tells me that I will never survive the kind of work he does and I do agree with him as I’d never been on a boat except for the ferry. Our connection feels a bit distant to me and we don’t say how much we love or miss each other as much as the first month. The 3rd month we only talk about what happen to our live or barely and the I love you and I miss you stop being said and when I do say I love you he doesn’t respond back instead he’d tell me he has to go. He was planning to come visit me after may 27, I was so happy and book off 1 week from work but then called me and said that because they didn’t get paid from their 3 trips he doesn’t have the money to see me. I was disappointed but I know that his away so we can save money not waste it. June 1 he left me a voicemail saying how depress he was that it’s not turning the way we plan it to be (the crew were not getting paid on time and his friend wants him to find a new place to stay). I tried calling him after hearing the voicemail but was not able to get through to him. I new that when his depress he goes radio silent and would stay in his room except to go to the washroom then go back to bed to sleep his depression away. I tried calling him again the next day, no answer I was getting worried but I know that once his done being depress he will call me back so I stop trying to get a hold of him. By June 3 and 4 I started feeling that his trying to avoid me that I just sense something is not right with us. June 5 I received a text from him, he asked if I’m working I said yes, he said that he will be in town tomorrow, I told him to tell me what time to pick him up from the airport and he said no as he wants to surprise me which to me was odd because his not the type to do surprise things. I told this to my coworker and told me that his probably in town now and wants to surprise you, I was doubtful but a bit excited at the same time. On the way home I was expecting a call from him or see him in the parking lot of our building but nothing, I was expecting him home but nothing. So I push my disappointment away and jump into the shower when in the middle of showering I heard my phone ring. It was him, I said hi and he said his in town and wants me to pick him up, I was happy, I said what?!, he asked me if I read his text I said no as I was on the shower, he told me to read it and pick him up, I asked if he can wait 15 min as I’m in the middle of shower and he said yes then hang up. I was confuse and started feeling scared. His tone of voice was not very welcoming and started feeling that we grew apart. When I got off my car to greet him he seemed like a stranger, he was darker and lost 25 lbs but the feeling is different. I was hesitant to go near him, my instinct told me to hold on and expect bad news. We hug and kiss but not much as he smells of beer and smoke which makes me sick. We hug inside the car again, he said he wanted to surprise me but since I was working he called a friend to pick him up from the airport and since he doesn’t have a key to our place stayed with him till he can get a hold of me. He apologize for his smell and said he can’t wait to have a shower as his really tired. We talked about the going ons of our friends on the way home. On the way to our building he made a comment how he doesn’t miss the staircase (we are on the 3rd floor with no elevator) while lifting his luggage. In the hallway I walk ahead of him and he mention if i notice how he hasn’t been in touch with me for 3 days, I said I notice but I didn’t want to be a nag about it, he said it’s because he wants to keep the surprise. I said I was worried that he might have went radio silence he said that I could have called his friend if I wanted too but I mention that I respect his privacy and if his ready to talk then I know he will call back. Once inside our room he was shock to see that our place was moved around (I’ve been busy packing and re organizing our furniture). He said it’s different but looks good, he hug me and said it’s good to be home. I told him to go have a shower, I was hungry since I haven’t had anything to eat for 1/2 the day so I made something to eat for my self. The whole time I was eating I was questioning my self in what should I do, how should I act and why am I feeling afraid. Once his off the shower he ask me what I’m doing and I said waiting, waiting for what he said I said just waiting, he didn’t look impress at all. I sat on the couch and he put his head on my chest and said his really tired, we kiss and I said lets go to bed, he said not yet but he started falling asleep so I said come on let’s go to bed. He went to bed while I did my nightly routine before joining him. When I got into bed he was on his front, I touch his shoulder but he didn’t move, I felt ackward so I turn around. He turn on his back and put his arm on my stomach, I grab his arm tend he move his hand and turn his back on me. I was confuse so I didn’t touch him then after a few minutes he sat up and said that’s it! That’s all your going to do, I was gone for 3 months and that’s all your going to do! I have no idea what I’m suppose to do,I was scared and my old insecurity creep in and I just wanted to stay still and not do anything. He walk out of the bedroom and slept on the couch, I followed him and told him not to be like that, I tried explaining that I do miss him but it felt like he didn’t want anything to do with me. He said tell your friends why I’m mad, I’ve been gone for 3 months normal people would jump their partner and have sex right away, he started crying then he said I’m sorry it’s not going to work out. I said what? He said he knew it before he left but this just confirm his decision. He said that the last year of our relationship we have been living as best friends and that he can count with his one hand how many times we had sex. I said that was not fair! There were lots of things that happen, him losing his job and not wanting to do anything, me asking why we don’t have sex as much which he said was not a big deal then me getting problem with stomach and pelvic pain which requires lots of testing and how he didn’t want to have sex with me till the doctor said I’m 100% healthy as he didn’t want to cause any issues with my health. I reminded him all of this but he said that he just can’t see us having any future together. I told him I’m sorry and I’m only acting base on the ways his tone of voice and the vibe I’m getting from him. I told him how it didn’t feel welcoming. He said he came out of obligation to me because I made him a promise before he left that if he ever want to end our relationship again that he said it to my face not call me on the phone like last time. He said it was killing him to come see me that’s why he hasn’t been calling me back. I didn’t know what to say, I thought my action tonight cause our break up but in reality he already plan to break up with me. All of a sudden everything click, why his not as loving as he use to, why he doesn’t call me often or why I felt distant to him. He said that what we have was in the past that he didn’t think it’s right to take me away from here and move to a strange place where I won’t know anyone when he knew it won’t work out. I was mad, here I was packing all our belongings, saying goodbyes to family/coworker and looking for our future together when he knew 3 months ago that our relationship might not work. I left the living room went back in the bedroom I taught I was okay but all of a sudden I cried buckets after buckets of tears, I tried calming myself but it just didn’t work. He came to me crying and saying how sorry he was, all I could do is cry then I remember how he said I was his soulmate that I’m the one for him I said that out loud to him, how can he claim those statement for the last 3 years 3 months then break my heart within 3 months. I reminded him how I was when we dated, I reminded him how he said that he will be patient with me due to my past and I reminded him that feelings/ relationship I’ve only learn from him and how he promise he will never abandon me. All he can say is that his sorry. Once I calm down we cuddle in bed, he told me why don’t we take a break, wait till he come back from tuna season (June-September) and see were we are by then. I said okay. We had sex that night but his preference seemed to have change, he never wants to do anal sex before but he asked if he can do it to me, I said no and he knows that in the past which back then he would answer I have no interest with that he will only do it if a women beg him do so but takes no enjoyment from it. He tried it on me which I stop right away. His rougher in bed than before which at the time I thought due to him not having any sex for 3 months so I let it be and let him do what he wants. In the morning he was gone, I felt bruise both heart, body and mind, I saw his luggage so I knew he didn’t run away. When I saw him he said he had some paperwork he had to do ( 2 cars are in our name) and was running around town taking care of it. I called in sick that day from work, while he was out of our place I cried some more at a point where I’m struggling to breath and both my arms started tingling. I dusted my self, look up the meaning of taking a break from relationship and was devastated that it really is the end. I cook some food that night he came back only to leave again but he said that he will be back after helping his friend. So I waited, I thought maybe we can go for a picnic and discuss what he means by taking a break but he never came back. I woke up when he crawled back into bed and we end up having sex again. I woke up and he was out again for appt., I stayed busy, did some yoga to distress then cried buckets again, I hate crying as every time I cry I get very weak and only have energy to just lay still on the couch. He came back but was very tired so he took a nap while I’m in the living room. Once he was up he asked me for a favour to help him pick up his car (being repaired) and I said yes. We didn’t talk much and he mention that we should go out for supper, I was surprise since I didn’t think he had lots of money I was a bit hesitant but said yes. After we finish some of his appts he went back home. He started packing his stuff, I figured he needs some of them anyway so I left him be but then I got overwhelm as he seemed to be packing everything that he really likes (his not materialistic but keeps things he loves) so I went in the bedroom to cry. He knocked on my door so I tried to hide but he saw that I was crying. I said I’m sorry for crying he said that I shouldn’t be the one saying sorry. He back hug me but my tears just won’t stop so he left me and kept packing his belongings. While I was sitting in front of my closet with some of his stuff I just want everything laid out for me so I came out and asked him point blank what does he mean take a break, do you still love me, is it really because of the lack of sex? If we’re done why are we havin sex? He just said his sorry but he doesn’t love me in a romantic sense anymore, he loves me but not like a lover anymore, that it’s not just about just about the sex and that he doesn’t see us lasting in the future that he doesn’t see us making it. Then his phone ring, his friend is there to pick him up, I knew that I can talk as much as I want argue my case as much as I want but when I look at him and I knew that I can’t change his mind. His mind was made up 3 months ago, the message was just delayed and I have to accept that. I told him to go since anything I say will just be met by a brick wall. I tried to do my normal routine, ate some food, did yoga and tried to relax and ignore the fact his not home yet. With a crazy mind I pack everything that he owns or shared together from bedsheets, plates, frozen food that he cooks, his spicy food which I will never eat, his can goods that I will never touch to his loofah. I wrote him a note to get rid of everything that I put in the middle of the kitchen before he leaves (his taking his sport car back so he has a vehicle to use when not on the boat). Since I was not expecting him to come home that night and plan to be out of the house when his back I wrote in the note everything I want him to get rid off (more than what will fit in his car) and to make sure to take his name of the lease agreement. I was surprise when I didn’t even cry when packing the rest of his belongings and felt more alive after my shower. While tuck into bed he texted me if he can stay with me, I said okay, he ask me if I can pick him up from his friends place (his car is still being fix) I said no, he seemed to be disappointed but I figured he broke my heart so why should I give a shit if I’m not as accommodating as before. I didn’t bother waiting and took some sleeping pills to fall asleep. I felt him come to bed and hug me but I pretend not to know. In the morning we had sex again ( I thought since this is the last time may as well scratch the itch) but as usual I was disappointed as he was done before me, I tried a second act but he had no energy. He asked me what’s up with all the stuff in the middle of the kitchen I said since we broke up its his responsibility to get rid of his stuff especially since I won’t be using anything and it’s not fair that I have to be the one who has to spend the energy to go up and down the staircase to get rid of his thugs. He said I’m a bitch I said I’m being realistic because when I move I only want to move my belongings not my ex’s. He understood what I’m trying to say but doesn’t mean he likes it. I said too bad. We had a shower together, he was doing the same thing as he usually does when we have a shower together, scrubbing my back, rinsing my hair, switching side to get rinse off. I felt the finality of our relationship. I did not lift a finger to help him load his belongings in his car, his friend help him pack up and we gave him the rest of stuff that can’t go inside his car. His friend came to me and said don’t hesitate to call me if you need help (his one of our friends we made as a couple) because he knows how ackward I am with talking to people he tried to tell me that his still my friend. We decided to go out for supper as plan the day before that was cancelled, the restaurant we went at was a disappointment and we end up going home with our meal (or maybe the awkwardness we feel to be sitting together as ex was the cause). He watch tv in one couch while I read my book on the other couch. He was unsure whether he should start his 22 hrs drive now or if he should wait till the next morning. I mention that his been very busy going up and down, expanding a lot of energy that it might be best to just sleep early and leave early in the morning. He agreed, we went to bed, held each other’s hand before falling asleep and by 330 am his alarm went off, I pretend to still be asleep but aware of him jumping into the shower and getting dress. I was sleeping on my front when he came and sat on my side of the bed. He touch my back, I didn’t move, he kiss my forehead, I kept my eyes close. He said his going, I said okay, I said I’d probably never see you again, he said no and I said have a safe trip. All I heard was the front door close and that was the end of the 3 years and 6 months relationship. Then he texted me that evening and said that his now at a friends house a stop before final destination I waited 16hrs to text him back have a safe trip and never heard anything again.

  15. Rmichelle June 11, 2016 at 6:17 pm #

    I just feel love doesn’t exist anymore between facebook, date sites.. no one really works on the relationship or they start one with fakeNess while haven hidden agendas. I recently gave a man everything: support, respect, love, honor and I made sure he knew I was real and dedicated. Yet, I have presently these qualities before as that’s how my mother raised me to be that supportive devoted woman. I realized in 2016 a working, educated, not sleeping around, no drama, sincere but not perfect woman just can’t receive real love anymore. I see the woman who don’t respect their relationships, don’t show any honor or responsible besides how to get over on a man always always wind up with a great loving guy…but then that guy gets burned and by the time you meet him. ..he is scorned and doesn’t realized that carma came back on him
    I truly loved this guy and tried to be there for him but his sneakiness and elective mutism was unbareable but because he was a widow. .I thought he would wake up and appreciate how good i was too him on a daily basis. HE TOLD ME I DID NOTHING WRONG, I WAS TOO GOOD TO HIM AND HE WALKED OUT OF MY LIFE BUT HE SAID HE LOVER ME DEARLY. SO I GUESS THE COMPATIBILITY WAS A BIG ISSUE.

  16. Kelley June 20, 2016 at 7:25 pm #

    I thought I was the only one that a man professed to love for the last six years, then out of nowhere I get a “break up text” like he is in junior high. ( he’s 34)! I text him and he rarely responds, he blocked me on Facebook before posting pictures of him and a new girlfriend and making their status ” in a relationship”. I don’t care who you are, no one can be in a relationship after two weeks! Rebound, don’t like being alone, tired of hurting me, or whatever other reason you can come up with there is no way this fake “relationship” will amount to anything! As soon as someone else catches his fancy he will move along! It’s time for me to accept after 6 years I was just comfort and a companion and not a real love for him. And he truly doesn’t love himself or he could never hurt me the way he has and run into another woman’s arms that he doesn’t even know. Heartbroken forever! 🙁

  17. Lynette Landing June 21, 2016 at 2:45 pm #

    I think Christian is missing a big one – narcissism. He mentions co-dependency but leaves out the fact that co-dependents are drawn to narcissists because that’s who they (narcissists) feed off. When the “supply” is dried up (meaning the co-dependent wises up and takes a stand for themselves), the narcissist moves on to the next “supply” rather than meet their partner half-way. This explains it best: https://barenakedtalk.wordpress.com/2016/06/03/i-love-you-not/

  18. Pat June 23, 2016 at 2:47 am #

    She started to get in an emotional affair a day after our civil marriage. It was one of the hardest thing ever

  19. EB July 18, 2016 at 1:14 am #

    Please anyone if you’re still responding to this article please I need help! My boyfriend of nine years has now split up with me due to his mother lying to him about things I supposedly did to her (I had proof otherwise and she admitted to the first one which onset our downhill spiral)…and I don’t know what to do. she began lying about what I was doing to her and other strategies to try to make me look as if he couldn’t trust me and that I was dumb and easy easily manipulated by her…after realizing the different manipulations, I addressed my knowledge of them to my boyfriend and decided together that he was going to help protect me and the next few times it happened he did and at one point made her leave because she kept on literally trying to pick a fight with me so about two weeks after that which would be now two months ago, she came over late one evening saying that she was scared of a snake in her home and that she wanted to just stay with us which wasn’t a big deal I made everything comfortable for her and then headed out of town the next day for work…came home to her being sick and still living in the front living room on the air mattress so I got her everything she needed, all meals, better sleeping set up (I thought she was going to be there just one night)….anything to get her as comfortable as possible. Weeks go by and she still didn’t leave and so and I mentioned it to my boyfriend (forgot to mention that the day after she came over the first night my boyfriend took our bed and moved it out 45 minutes out of town to the new house that we were working on that had no water, walls or electricity )…and he informed me that his mother had called him the day after coming over and told him that that she was not going to go back home this woman is 58 years old. Even then I was fine I mean I’ve always wanted to be the perfect daughter in law to her one day and so I just tried to work with him to do anything she needed and make her as comfortable as possible but I came in from mowing the yard to her slamming the stove and kicking it so I asked her if I can help she couldn’t find the timer or start it…so I helped her then I noticed her hands shaking and she said you just act like you live here….confused because she knew that I have lived with my boyfriend for the last 9 years replied, I do live here, she then stated with crazy look that her son said I didn’t…. I left without arguing with her and i’m going on to the other house and I honestly felt like maybe she just had a bad day so I didn’t even bother my boyfriend with it because he had had long day at work…. Next morning he picked a fight with me tell me to get out and told me that his mother called him and told him that I told her not to bring your things over anymore and she need to leave which was untrue . I confronted his mother and asked her why she told him that, she told me she didn’t say it and that’s all I know because from then on out every day she complained about me to him even when I wasn’t even in town to the point where at the end she stalked him to make sure that he had not been talking to me….what happened, what can I do, and is it savable?

  20. Stina July 28, 2016 at 2:21 pm #

    If i have been acting this way, most of the steps. Been verbally abusive emotional abusive. Can i get him back somehow? He cares about me, says he doesn’t feel the same anymore. We had a very rough month, with me getting pregnant, where only i took his good nature for given and was extremely mean. It’s funny how you realize what a bitch you have been, what you’ve ruined for yourself and him. When its too late. How much you resent and hate yourself afterwards.

    He needs space and time. However we see eachother as much as we can. It was not only me who initiated we should see eachother. For the love of god i just want to treat him well, to show him all he deserves. To give him everything that he gave me.

    Please tell me there’s a way…

  21. Cindy R August 7, 2016 at 8:39 am #

    Well I Was in a relationship for a year . This man was Completely the opposite of what I had always wanted. He did try hard to win my heart and eventually he did . Throughout our relationship we had many great moments, our first couple of months were full of joy until we reached our 6 months . My ex had gone through such a horrible breakup in his past, he was cheated on after investin almost 3 years in this girl . I guess that must have traumatized him ?? Who knows . Until this day not everything makes sense except the part where our relationship became an overwhelming relationship . He wouldn’t pursue me as he did in the beginning , he said he wanted me so bad but that he couldn’t open his heart to me and didn’t know why . He told me I deserve better yet invested a year In the relationship. He said that he was taking a risk by losing me yet he wanted to marry me a few months before that . He did tell me he loved me yet he felt pressured . He told me I was his dream women yet he gave up on our relationship. It’s unfortunate and it’s the first heartbreak I’ve ever experience but I realized that even though I may feel that investing a year in Someone was not wisest decision . I’ve learned that someone who you offer the world too but that person cannot offer the same to you at the end will feel like a tool , undeserving .& if they know that you deserve better they will walk away because they want the best . It could be someone’s past that keeps them from opening and loving another person unconditionally but until they deal with and let go of the past they will never be able to open up their hearts to anyone . But most importantly until someone truely learns how to be in Love with God and accepts the Love of God in them , they will never be able to be happy with another individual .

    • Ms. La August 18, 2016 at 8:21 pm #

      Some thing I’ve been through, you hit it right on the nose. So very true !!

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