5 Reasons Men Break Up With Women They Love

Recently, I was going through the newsletter archive of my friend Christian Carter, who as you know, is one of the leading experts in dating advice for women.

There was one particular issue in which the title literally jumped out at me.

It’s called, “Five Reasons Men Leave Women They Love”.

A pretty bold announcement for an article.

As contradictory as this statement may seem, I know from personal experience that things like this do tend to happen.

I once left a woman I loved.

Why did I do it you ask?

I’ll tell you in a minute, let’s first go through Christian’s five reasons why men leave women they actually love.

But before I do this, let me make something clear beforehand:

The reasons that will be stated in the following are NOT putting the women at fault for the men leaving.

It’s almost never one person alone who’s at fault, (there are exceptions).

As I’ve said many times over, a break-up is nobody’s fault – it’s just an occurrence of incompatibility.

Please keep that in mind while you continue to read.

Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”

Christian is referring to the old principle that we all seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is a basic human driving force behind everything we do.

He states that men tend to walk away if there is too much “pain” in the relationship, in forms of arguing and “freaking out” about things she doesn’t like about him.

This has a huge impact on the decision whether he is willing to put more energy into the preservation of the relationship, or whether he moves on.

My take on this is that it’s not necessarily an exclusive reason for men to break up. Nobody likes to be in a relationship where there’s no healthy communication about problems and frictions.

It doesn’t mean that you have to slug down everything you don’t like about him or her, it just means that you have to develop the skill of communication in a healthy and productive way, (see reason #5).

Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future

Christian claims that a man draws conclusions from how a woman acts on the “little things” to what she would do when the sh** really hits the fan.

“…if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better for them in the future.”

This is a tough one, (sounds even a little sexist).

When I read this reason, everything in me screamed, “NO, this isn’t true”. But on second thought, aren’t we all doing this?

Aren’t we – especially in the beginning of a relationship – constantly testing and predicting whether he or she is “future-proofed”?

And would we split up IF we came to the conclusion that he or she is NOT?

I leave that question in the room… you’ll soon know why.

Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction

Ok, this is a big one. And a stereotype as well.

Do men leave women who they no longer find attractive even if they love them?

Before I tell you what Christian thinks, let me tell you what my opinion on this one is.

I’m going to phrase this blatantly: I think that only “bad men material” leave a woman whom he is no longer attracted to, given the relationship is promising and there are feelings involved, (i.e. it’s not just a “physical” thing by mutual consent).

“Good men” will work out their own issues, (yes, losing attraction to his wife/girlfriend might be the man’s own fault), they will take all measures necessary to re-kindle that spark of attraction.

But Christian rightly isn’t exclusively talking about sexual attraction, he also says that:

“When a man doesn’t FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he’s with her, then he’ll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.”

I think that this is a very solid point. The feeling of connection with your partner is of utmost importance and if you lose it, then you are in trouble.

Christian continues by claiming that the main mistake women make in this situation is to try to re-establish connection by “fixing things”, by talking about it or “working on the relationship”.

A man wants to DO things together to know his relationship is working, (not talk).

I couldn’t agree more on this. This is one of the main differences between men and women when they try to fix a relationship.

My tip for you is to set “memory beacons” for your relationship by “experiencing” together. By experiences, I mean things you do together, challenges you master together, enjoyments you live through together.

All the things that really connect you.

Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence

This is, of course, a classic which is applicable equally to women AND men, (in fact, this has a far more devastating effect to the relationship when men are behaving this way).

IF this relationship is everything to you – your life’s purpose – and you have nothing else going on in your life, you are neglecting friends, your work, your hobbies, all the things that define who YOU are… then you will appear as needy, (or co-dependent).

And neediness in a relationship is one of the biggest turn-offs ever to men AND women.

After your break-up, were you wondering where all your friends went that you used to have plenty of contact with? Are you wondering why all the things that used to give you pleasure don’t anymore? Are you wondering who you became?

(MORE: Still thinking about him? Click here to take our quiz to find out how to move on and how long your recovery will take.)

The reason for all of these questions is that you lost yourself during the relationship.

“Often times a man will leave a woman because he sees that she depends too much on him and has lost her own sources of happiness”.

Reason #5: “She’s Trying To Fix Me…”

I have to admit that this one got me thinking.

Christian writes that despite the common misconception that people can’t really change, men CAN change for a woman, but they have to do it out of self-interest.

A man needs his OWN reasons to change.

“It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.”

So according to Christian, a woman can take advantage of that fact by understanding HIS personal reasons for doing the work for a better relationship.

What most women are doing wrong is that they are trying to make the man understand how it affects HER, not HIM.

“People are motivated by the things THEY WANT, and not what others feel and want”.

Christian suggests that you work WITH your man, instead of against him.

He concludes by writing that one of the most important things is creating that emotional experience with a man. Because if a man is deeply committed to you and the relationship, every “issue” you might have are just bumps on the road… they cannot hurt you.

But if there is no commitment from his side, then every little problem is going to leave him “irritated, frustrated, and
have him wanting to blame you and withdraw”.

My Personal Experience

I told you at the beginning of this article that I once broke up with a woman I loved, and said that I’d tell you my personal reasons for it.

The reason I broke up with her – and it was one of the hardest things I had to do, (despite my own break-up) – was because I saw absolutely no future for a life together… and I so dearly wanted a future.

We were absolutely and utterly incompatible in so many ways… but so compatible in other small ways.

Unfortunately, those incompatibilities were the ones that mattered.

So, Christian’s reason #2 was definitely the reason I broke up with a woman whom I was deeply, emotionally involved with.

From my experience and knowledge I’d had until that moment, I just could not see a happy and fulfilled relationship future.

Ultimately, I am happy that I did it, because that made the way to meeting my wife, who I am still married to up until today.

What do YOU think about Christian’s reasons stated above? Please do share in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • My ex convinced me to do my 3rd year of med school near him. I moved far away to be with him and 1 day later found out he was cheating. 3 weeks later he left and blocked me because I had “major anger issues” and couldn’t let it go…he ultimately placed all the blame on me and hoped I get the “help I desperately need”. He then told me to go back to the East coast and move on with my life, I haven’t heard from him since. I wish him no ill. I forgive him everyday. Letting go is so hard, but when you realize your worth you release the anger, hurt, bitterness, rage and make room for something new. Something better. Perspective is everything. You can let a situation destroy you or you can learn from the situation and let it push you into success and true happiness.

  • My relationship in itself is or was complicated. We met 7 yesrs ago, became friends, but he was going through divorce at the time, we lost contact and found esch other coincidental over the summer. Things got hot and heavy real fast and we became a couple in June 2017. Rarely saw each other in person but never missed a day without talking. We facetime every day, we even shower together on facetime every sinle night. The reason i say was” is because as of today i realized that i no longer able to message or call him direct phone or via our previously shared social media. I have my highs n lows about the unofficial break up. Highs …because i gave my all and know i was good to him. My lows …set in when i start blaming myself for my insecurities and my neediness, which i made very clear to him as to why i was that way in the very beginning . Besides that his lack of communication made me very insecure. We have a long distance relationship and he travels with his job. I had one requirment of him ” talk to me”even if not voice, text or something…. which he was good at monday through friday, but comes weekend he goes mia and would flip the anger on me for wanting to know why. I admit that i constantly needed reassurance, but it was always triggered ny his 48 to 72 hours disappearance to which he felt he owed no explanation. I fell madly in love with him and i thought he did as well. He promised to never leave me. Said he wanted to spend the rest of life with me. Two weeks now he grew distant and apparently has broken up with me with no explanation, nor a goodbye. I feel i deserve much more respect and love. I dont wamt hin back, but am i wrong for needing closure?

  • My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We lived together and were moving into a new house. 5 days before the move he told me he was breaking up with me and we needed to go our separate ways. He says he still loves me, but he’s not as excited about our relationship as he was in the beginning. He said he didn’t know what decision he was going to make until the day he did it. He still hasn’t given a complete and clear explanation as to why he did it. We never fought and everything was normal. I’m still very confused as so is he. I was his first serious relationship. I think he made a mistake and needs to figure it out on his own.

  • My bf broke up with me after only 2 months of official relationship (for reason #1)… We were really good friends first, but we eventually fell in love, he didn’t want to ruin the friendship first, he friendzoned me a few times so it took a while for things to be official between us. Months later, things were doing great, but I always wanted to communicate, and he never did, he always said I wanted to talk about pointless things. He ran away because he just didn’t want to make any effort and I’m just confused… How can you not want things to work, especially at the beginning of a relationship and especially if you truly love that person ? However, I can’t help but think of him coming back even though he probably won’t. He contacted me a week after the breakup to ask how I was doing and asked 3 weeks later if we could talk because he felt some things were unclear. Should I keep hoping he will come back or is it just hopeless ? He is impossible to read.

    • Hey Penny, I’m a guy who’s been on the other end of your situation myself. He Probably really did like you but was uncertain about you at the same time, keeping himself at a distance and pulling the friend zone card. I’d keep your distance if you want something serious with him, if he wasnt certain from the start then he wont change his mind.

    • Valery Bazaldua says:

      I’m so sorry your going through this… I’m currently going through this and it hurts so bad!! After 5 months my x broke up with me he just told me that their was small little things that bother him …. I asked him what was it and he said I can’t tell you.. idk if it was his religion or if he has someone else idk… and he said he loved me but can’t work it out

  • Ladies, if your man is constantly saying, ok, I’m wrong, I’m sorry, I apologize…..And saying your right, your always right….& You rarely if ever apologize. Its heading south, a man will say these things & withdraw. He knows your not always right! Noone is! The problem here, Is that the other party, (male or female) Doesn’t know it, or Won’t acknowledge it.
    He will be gone soon, & you’ll get to be “Right” all on your own. After a few days of separating, he loves you & he calls you. 29 minutes into the conversation, you remind him of all he is not, all that he did wrong, basically a bitch session. When he hangs up, he will realize that you just confirmed again, ” Your Always Right” Good luck. If you can’t find it in your heart to look at yourself after he called to say I love & do miss you. Then you clearly want to punish him, & most likely, you’ll get to be Right, without him. Because no man in his right mind, will be able to live with ANYONE, That’s always right……..Rip love dp

    • and when your the woman who is doing the ” your right” Sure you can cancel on me its ok” your always right Im sorry to a guy. It goes both ways. I think as humans relationships need to be found 1) if you want kids go do that shit 2) later in life if you want companionship. The kids marriages tend to end up with higher divorce rates.

    • There’s no way to win this one. I think a guy who does that is a coward and never loved the person in the first place. Why say all the time the other one I right? That is wrong in itself. If a guy needs to be constantly apologizing he’s not the one for that girl. I dated a guy like that until the day he exploded. I don’t want to be right. But if you tell somebody the same thing over and over again and he doesn’t do anything about he’s better off alone.

  • >