Recently, I was going through the newsletter archive of my friend Christian Carter, who as you know, is one of the leading experts in dating advice for women.
There was one particular issue in which the title literally jumped out at me.
It's called, “Five Reasons Men Leave Women They Love”.
A pretty bold announcement for an article.
As contradictory as this statement may seem, I know from personal experience that things like this do tend to happen.
I once left a woman I loved.
Why did I do it you ask?
I'll tell you in a minute, let's first go through Christian's five reasons why men leave women they actually love.
But before I do this, let me make something clear beforehand:
The reasons that will be stated in the following are NOT putting the women at fault for the men leaving.
It's almost never one person alone who's at fault, (there are exceptions).
As I've said many times over, a break-up is nobody's fault – it's just an occurrence of incompatibility.
Please keep that in mind while you continue to read.
Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”
Christian is referring to the old principle that we all seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is a basic human driving force behind everything we do.
He states that men tend to walk away if there is too much “pain” in the relationship, in forms of arguing and “freaking out” about things she doesn't like about him.
This has a huge impact on the decision whether he is willing to put more energy into the preservation of the relationship, or whether he moves on.
My take on this is that it's not necessarily an exclusive reason for men to break up. Nobody likes to be in a relationship where there's no healthy communication about problems and frictions.
It doesn't mean that you have to slug down everything you don't like about him or her, it just means that you have to develop the skill of communication in a healthy and productive way, (see reason #5).
Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future
Christian claims that a man draws conclusions from how a woman acts on the “little things” to what she would do when the sh** really hits the fan.
“…if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can't get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn't going to think that things could be any better for them in the future.”
This is a tough one, (sounds even a little sexist).
When I read this reason, everything in me screamed, “NO, this isn't true”. But on second thought, aren't we all doing this?
Aren't we – especially in the beginning of a relationship – constantly testing and predicting whether he or she is “future-proofed”?
And would we split up IF we came to the conclusion that he or she is NOT?
I leave that question in the room… you'll soon know why.
Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction
Ok, this is a big one. And a stereotype as well.
Do men leave women who they no longer find attractive even if they love them?
Before I tell you what Christian thinks, let me tell you what my opinion on this one is.
I'm going to phrase this blatantly: I think that only “bad men material” leave a woman whom he is no longer attracted to, given the relationship is promising and there are feelings involved, (i.e. it's not just a “physical” thing by mutual consent).
“Good men” will work out their own issues, (yes, losing attraction to his wife/girlfriend might be the man's own fault), they will take all measures necessary to re-kindle that spark of attraction.
But Christian rightly isn't exclusively talking about sexual attraction, he also says that:
“When a man doesn't FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he's with her, then he'll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.”
I think that this is a very solid point. The feeling of connection with your partner is of utmost importance and if you lose it, then you are in trouble.
Christian continues by claiming that the main mistake women make in this situation is to try to re-establish connection by “fixing things”, by talking about it or “working on the relationship”.
A man wants to DO things together to know his relationship is working, (not talk).
I couldn't agree more on this. This is one of the main differences between men and women when they try to fix a relationship.
My tip for you is to set “memory beacons” for your relationship by “experiencing” together. By experiences, I mean things you do together, challenges you master together, enjoyments you live through together.
All the things that really connect you.
Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence
This is, of course, a classic which is applicable equally to women AND men, (in fact, this has a far more devastating effect to the relationship when men are behaving this way).
IF this relationship is everything to you – your life's purpose – and you have nothing else going on in your life, you are neglecting friends, your work, your hobbies, all the things that define who YOU are… then you will appear as needy, (or co-dependent).
And neediness in a relationship is one of the biggest turn-offs ever to men AND women.
After your break-up, were you wondering where all your friends went that you used to have plenty of contact with? Are you wondering why all the things that used to give you pleasure don't anymore? Are you wondering who you became?
The reason for all of these questions is that you lost yourself during the relationship.
“Often times a man will leave a woman because he sees that she depends too much on him and has lost her own sources of happiness”.
Reason #5: “She's Trying To Fix Me…”
I have to admit that this one got me thinking.
Christian writes that despite the common misconception that people can't really change, men CAN change for a woman, but they have to do it out of self-interest.
A man needs his OWN reasons to change.
“It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.”
So according to Christian, a woman can take advantage of that fact by understanding HIS personal reasons for doing the work for a better relationship.
What most women are doing wrong is that they are trying to make the man understand how it affects HER, not HIM.
“People are motivated by the things THEY WANT, and not what others feel and want”.
Christian suggests that you work WITH your man, instead of against him.
He concludes by writing that one of the most important things is creating that emotional experience with a man. Because if a man is deeply committed to you and the relationship, every “issue” you might have are just bumps on the road… they cannot hurt you.
But if there is no commitment from his side, then every little problem is going to leave him “irritated, frustrated, and
have him wanting to blame you and withdraw”.
My Personal Experience
I told you at the beginning of this article that I once broke up with a woman I loved and said that I'd tell you my personal reasons for it.
The reason I broke up with her – and it was one of the hardest things I had to do, (despite my own break-up) – was because I saw absolutely no future for a life together… and I so dearly wanted a future.
We were absolutely and utterly incompatible in so many ways… but so compatible in other small ways.
Unfortunately, those incompatibilities were the ones that mattered.
So, Christian's reason #2 was definitely the reason I broke up with a woman whom I was deeply, emotionally involved with.
From my experience and knowledge I'd had until that moment, I just could not see a happy and fulfilled relationship future.
Ultimately, I am happy that I did it, because that made the way to meeting my wife, who I am still married to up until today.
If you want to learn more about why men fall out of love, I suggest reading this article:
5 Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
What do YOU think about Christian's reasons stated above? Please do share in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hi.. Just wanted to knw is it normal for a girls to break up in a relationship every time she is angry… The girl I loved constantly broke up with me whenever she was angry and it really made me loose interest in spending time with her even tho I love her and there came a point it indulged me into another relation. But even after being true to her about it it again lead to a break up. I don’t knw how people take a break up but for me every time she spoke abt a break up for 6year it always felt like an end off a relastioship. Its tuff for me to move on. But I guess its a greater point she has got now. And it did get the bad side out off me.. Feel like a looser to get back on track…. Was I wrong for the feeling I had after every break up she said.
Hello to all….I am a mom of a 23 year old young lady. She was in her first relationship for over a year. We loved him and I am personally having the worst time getting over he did this to her. They were so in love and still are!!! He just keeps saying he “needs a break”…his mom thinks he scared. They both graduated college a year ago, he is a teacher and she is a marketing researcher. She is an ex-model and beautiful !! but that’s not the point!! I just need for you to see the picture… Reading your reasons I am in agreement and more understanding of his feelings maybe….The problem is “I” am having the worst time with this…It’s been a couple weeks now and find myself praying to the Gods and all saints to bing him back to her….It has consumed every minute of my day. Not only because she is suffering badly but because I just can’t get past him walking away. I am disappointed and hurt…you never touched upon the likeliness of a man getting his shit together and possible coming back?? Thanks for the “reasons” and the insight….
Heartbroken MOM !!!
My bf of 3years hasn’t spoke to me in a month. Ok hes already done this to me 5 times and he usually breaks up over something stupid and I wont here from him for one time 4 months its embarrassing we are both 48 I am a single mom with a 4 year old daughter not alot of money my daughter has autism anyways I have paid for dates and bought him things he did for me to oh Iam not fat and ugly very attractive for 48 i was always very sweet to him he has no friends so we called everyday and texted the only problem is he drinks like 12 to 20 bears after work everyday likes to go to the bars to eat ?? I knew there was something not right with him I couldn’t figure it out right away. He always blames others for whatever hes anal clean he can be so sweet but after the beers kick in he tries to start fights over anything says really mean things to me next morning acts like I’m crazy when I bring it up hes forgotten? Ok so we went on a romantic trip had a great time snorkeling hiking relaxing making love it was so awesome we had just gotten back again after he took a 4 month break and I didn’t trust him at all so I was different kinda bitchy I wouldn’t put up with anything I used to I told him how it hurt me so bad I felt I was having a breakdown I ignored my daughter I told him how I hurt my daughter cause I wouldn’t even leave the apt I put it all out there he swears hes not leaving me for others? Right hes kinda a dorkie guy nothing like the guys I used to date he would always acuse me of a bunch of things to he was a real pain but I loved him but this thing he just did was so mean I live close I wouldn’t go over there I tried that once and he wouldn’t come out and said he was calling the cops ? He even gave me his keys to his apartment? Iwas blown away then on Saturday it had been 5 days no contact he goes to this bar that has a webcam in it I looked there he was it looked like on a date I texted him he looked at his phone knew I was watching he showed the girl? He was laughing I called the bar and the cocktail waitress went right up to them and said Ure gf is on the phone she’s watching u cheat on her he said I don’t have a girlfriend well after that his date who was fat and ugly got up and walked out he stayed there why would a man put me through 5 awful breakups dose he just wanta hook up with anyone? He would say we where going to move in soon and be together forever? I can’t go back I feel so bad about myself after going through this I do feel lost hurt mad desperate insecure cry alot and iam afraid to put myself out there again what’s ure opinion about why he did this again thank u iam so depressed karen
I agree with you, 100%. My ex left me and I only found out he was seeing his co-woker the next day. I couldn’t believe it because he wanted to end things with me and just start “dating” other people. That was not his intentions. 7 months later…. I’m doing well on my own caring for our kids and my ex lives now by himself.. the other women left him and is re-thinking about their relationship. And to think being with him (at that time) I didn’t want to lose him, but he cheated and lied and betrayed. I don’t understand how a person can just do that…and not feel any remorse or guilt.
I saw the type of person he was when he left me and I fought with every fiber in my body to save our relationship, only to have been denied and told to my face he doesn’t see a future with me only to have found a better person who suited his needs. It felt like a salp but a good wake up call, that’s when I realized just how selfish he was and through the ordeal it was about him and how I was the “mean” women who didn’t get him. Well….. If I didn’t get him, the other women is not there to hold his hand anymore 🙂
Hello Eddie,
Like others , im also experiencing this bad feeling. Im glad Maria shared her experienced. Like maria Im stil married and still leaving with my husband but my husband and I realy not in good terms even before I met him.Im 10 years older than my ex boyfriend. He broke up with first because he said he couldn’t wait for me anymore because im not yet divorce nur separated. He said he loves me and he wants to be with me.. He also admitted with me that he met a girl and he is physically atrracted with this girl. At first I let him go but he told me he couldn´t let me go becoz he see´s me everyday. We tried to work the relationship but we never talked that *were BF and GF again* were going out ,were hugging and kissing too. He told me he regret breaking up with me and I told him let´s give ourselves to think..although I exactly know what i want. Only this month before we went home he told me no matter what happen he´s with me and he love me. After one month of being part he sent me a message again that he couldn`t wait.. Were finished and I can´t do anything about it and he felt sorry. And I asked Him why because of this girl.. But he didn`t replied. I even sent him a message that you don´t exist anymore to me that is my last message. Im really hurt. and the saddest thing is after two months we will see each other again. But I promise myself I will never let him hurt me again.
Hello to everybody in this forum
Hello Eddie
We all share something in common! A broken heart but it won’t be for long as we are made by nature to survive and move on.
Let me share my different experience with you..
I’m a women who had a relationship with a younger guy. We had not made any promises for the future, we didn’t have any common goal, just us and our love. This relationship went on for ten whole years with the same amount of love, passion, understanding, communication and so on… It had all the elements of a great relation. Except of one major one: The incompatibility of age.
We have 18 years difference of age! Sounds crazy? Believe me it was great…
We never lived together, but we were seeing each other very often during the week, we traveled together, we had the best communication ever…
Until the day come that he realised he needs more. He needed to be married with family and children. I was married with children little bit less than his age…
He realised that when he was with his friends on holidays! He met a young girl that as he said ” woke him up from his dream”… He never proceeded with her, we still went on for another year, but nothing was the same anymore…
We had to have a forced break up. He was ready for it even he was telling that at the same time he love me and want to friends!….
As I was like you all my dearest friends, a woman with a broken heart, I started searching on the internet for any articles about my issue. Until I found Mr. Eddie Corbano…
I completely agree that incompatibility is a major reason for breakup even if there is love and passion…
And the one and golden rule is NO CONTACT…
Friendship might come but it needs a lot of time… Maybe even years! But never never after a fresh breakup. It won’t work at all!
I met him he was 24, me 46…
He is 35 now, me 53…
We had ten great years but it had to end…
Thank you for reading my little fairy tail! I was happy… But I promise myself to be happy again…
I left the woman I loved – that I still love actually – for Reason #4 The “Neediness” of Codependence
You perfectly nailed it. Yes, you can break up with someone you profoundly love, because of her neediness. But it rarely crosses people’s mind as a major break up reason. It is.
Despite the fact that I loved her and the we shared so many things in common, I couldn’t stand her clinginess/neediness anymore. I couldn’t breathe. I felt smothered. Burdened, like a heavy weight on my shoulders. A ball and chain.
I couldn’t visit a friend or doing something alone without her calling me, texting me, checking if I was not cheating or something (Strange, since she is the one who cheated on every of her past boyfriends, by the way). If I was 10 min late at home after work, she called to check. When I was at the restaurant with my boss and colleagues, she called the restaurant to check I was there. When I registered for a gym fitness class, she registered for the same class.
She had no real passion. No real center of interests. She only followed.
Her insecurities and dependence made me insecure and anxious to the point I wanted to flee.To the point I experienced more and more bursts of anger towards her. Between love and hate. To the point I got exhausted and depressed. I lost my job partly because of her. I coun’t concentrate and wandered on the net for answers. I felt drained. And started to see her no more than a sort of emotional vampire, sucking my vitality to fill in her own emotional void or existential loneliness.
Everyone tells me I am stupid I left such a beautitful candid woman (she is very attractive), smart, always smiling, with an open youthful nature and welcoming attitude.
But the point is : between my freedom (and mental health) and this (toxic) relationship, I largely chose the first option.
i’ve just read all the replies and in everyone there is a bit of what i feel. My ex has just dumped me for the 2nd time with no explanation. I’m not so much hurt this time but angry as he was the one that came wanting to be with me. we had kids, lived together for 10yrs he went off with someone else and then he came back again. we were together 2 yrs then he decides to get engaged at xmas and since valentines he’s been going off the boil – but it won’t be him thats at fault cause he always has reasons that no-one knows about. I’m doing the NC rule but can;t wait for him to contact me so that i can tell him where to go!! He’s a 58 yr old man you would think that at this stage in life he would know what he wanted! Turns out the ex he dumped me for has been texting him a lot so he all the bad things he said about her was just talk. Feel so gullible and stupid cause i trust him and let him back in again thinking it would all work out but he was just playing me along!!
It’s probably the most painful thing I’ve talked about in. Well ever, I left an ex who I loved (and still do, it’s why I’m reading this) but the reasons I did it were over the future as well, it’s not that we weren’t comparable, we were extremely comparable. But I was just entering college and she was in high school still. The problem is I was failing class after class because I was so focused on making her happy. I spent to much time with her and she did the same. We’re both clingy so that didn’t help. But finally it kicked in that sooner or later I wouldn’t be able to move on with my life. (I’m still making up failed classes and it’s been a year) so I ended it. But now I need help. She contacted me last month and I can’t get her out of my mind. I thought I’d killed every emotion for her but I’m still trying to get back together, but she’s just trying to be “friends” but she’s the one who initiated contact again. Is she interested? Is it unsafe to get back in a relationship with her? What do I do? I’m really confused
This is so true about “why” someone breaks up with someone they actually love. But I find this amazing that all these attributes are given to the woman. I broke up with my fiancé of three years due to all the reasons above. He was a man. In a healthy relationship you should not be having to educate the person 24/7 on how to communicate or be confident enough to be his own person and not freak out, be jelous every time you go out, or slam doors and run away to the bar. Communication is an individual choice and needs refreshers daily. Men are quite capable of very needy, immature and blocked reactions to the “real” shit that happens in life. All the things men blame women for I find I experienced in this three year journey with a talented and interesting person, but men also blame, freak, storm about, imagine weird things that are not happening and think they are misunderstood and not listened to. Us women are sometimes the ones put in the position of constant reassurance.
It has been almost a week now since I had to put some distance with the man that I ADORE. Why doing this if I care some much about him? The answer is that I have to do it in the name of someone I have to love even more than I love him: MYSELF.
Like many stories, everything was perfect at the beginning. But later on, it didn’t matter how much or little I try, nothing was ever good enough for him… and of course, the harder I used to try, the worse I felt when he didn’t react reciprocally… and I every time I tried to talk about how I felt and about our problems, he changed the subject or made me feel as if I was over reacting. Because of all of this, I took the decition of leaving this toxic relationship that was sucking away all my life, my happiness and motivation.
Every time Im about to break the No Contact Rule, I think about all the ways he would be able to make me feel worse and how this will return myself to the darkness of day cero… and believe me, this is scaring enough to stop myself from the urge of contact him.
This hurts and is not easy, but Im sure better things are waiting behind the corner for me and for all the people that come along this site if we keep fighting! LETS DO THIS!!
Parts of this article may be cruel, but I have to admit, it is mostly true. I can say that, on behalf of the women who I personally know, this may be hard to swallow, but it is harshly reasonable at least for women my age. This is so because the article tackles serious and mature issues that couples ignore most of the time. Although men have their reasons for requiring such from women, so do women have their own reasons why they act in such way. Either way, both the man and the woman in the relationship must stay committed to the agreement they had when they started the relationship, mentally, emotionally and even physically.
I couldn’t agree more on this, that’s why couples must keep in mind that a relationship is a working process, it doesn’t stop on “I DO’s”. Unimaginable trials will always be there trying to ruin everything. So they have to compromise, understand and adapt the changes that will come along the way and know that every problem has a solution. It’s just a matter of patience and a lot of time to let the wounds heal.
XOXO
Hi. Me and my ex were dating for about 1 year and 10 months. We decided to break up. He said he’s unhappy with his life and that if he is unhappy he cant make someone happy. he said he wants to find God. After 4 months we started talking. We decided to see each other. And I dont know if us “doing the dirty at 7:30”³ is all right or is there a sign that he wants me back
Also, when he found out that I was talking to other guys he got mad at me. he called me names, and he said he was wrong about me thinking that i am a good girl. then after that he apologize. He said he still loves me but he’s not sure if it is the right time to get back together. I did NC the first four months then he started contacting me and i reply back. (maybe i should have ignored him) I’m not sure if i should continue doing NC after i slept with him. i dont want him to think that im not interested with him or the other way around (if i continue talking to him).
Also, when he visited me he “forgot his sun glasses” . he said he will pick it up on our dayoff (we have the same days off). i dont know if i should tell him he doesnt have to i’ll just ship his sun glass at his apartment lol.
Hi Eddie,
I think probably I’m in the similar situation as a women you had to leave.
I guess he did not see the future for us, because of some incompatibility, his financial difficulties and plus it was long distance relationships and after 7 several month together I had to leave to another country. I’ve offered him moving to 3d country, but he rejected it, what was dramatically paifull and at the same time it meant break- up to me. Probably it was my mistake and instead of breaking-up at the same moment I should try to understand him but not only listen to my own ego. Afterwards, several days later we had long talks by email, we’ve contacted during almost a year, last months as friends mostly and I was the initiator almost all the time.
Now we are in no-contact for 1 month.
We had very strong emotional connection, almost spiritual, first time in my life i met someone so alike to myself and I do not want any other men in my life. Now it feels like something vitally important is missing, like this four-leg creature from greek myfology which was divided in 2 parts.
Just to add that I am happy person anyway and enjoying my life, just have a bitter feeling that we are loosing with him something great and real because of some difficulties, not giving the chance to us to know better if it works or not.
How do you think, are there any chances to convince him that we still can have future? Should I contact him in 6 month, or in a year?
hey eddie..
i just want to let you know that right now you are the hidden blessing in my life..am just so lucky to have come across this article because everything is as true as we can imagine..thanks alot please keep up with the good work of unraveling what we women have always thought to be puzzles created by men..
[sigh] Eddie, I need your help..
First let me say I’m glad to have found your site. My man was running hot and cold until I began to pull away a couple of months ago. I didn’t say a word, just started being busy and having less time for him. After 8 months of serious courtship (we were just casually flirting and talking for over a year prior), I felt like this was more than enough time for him to know if he wanted be exclusive. I supposed he sensed my pulling away, because a week later, he asked for an exclusive relationship (2 weeks before my bday). He went all out for my bday and then a few days later, he cancelled our mid-week date…with a text. I called to see if he was okay…no answer. And he hadn’t called or tried to contact me (we work in the same division but under different departments). I didn’t call or text. I knew he wasn’t in a coma because I’d see him at work. 2 weeks passed before he finally came over to talk to me, I asked him what happened? He didn’t have an answer. I said to him, “you wanna run in and out…stay out there. i’m done.” His face fell to the floor, he was so shocked. I don’t understand, why ask for a relationship and not mean it? He took his time to get into my space..I made him work for that, and he did. I guess that’s what bothers me the most because of the time he put in. I’m about 30 days into NC. But I see him all the time. He has to come to my office at least twice a week. I saw him at the cafe with another woman. He didn’t see me (his back was to me), but he definitely heard me talking to someone less than 10 feet away. I didn’t confront him (because we just broke up 2 days earlier). When the lady left, he just sat there for a few minutes before he finally got up, turned around, and locked eyes with me for about 5 seconds, but we never spoke a word. Since then, he comes over to my office for dumb reasons to see my co-workers. He speaks, flirts with me, and tries to find a reason to talk to me. I can’t help but be mean and short, but other times I’m so full of adrenaline that I act on impulse: flirty with a little mean streak (that’s usually when I’m caught off guard and I flirt without even thinking about it. Heck we flirt during arguments). Before we broke up a few months ago, I told him that the shirt he was wearing was one of my favorite colors and it looked good on him. And what do you think? He comes over last week, WEARING THAT SAME SHIRT, to pick up something, but was hanging around in my office (my coworker told me). He stalled and waited around hoping I would return, but I took a looooong “bathroom break” until he was gone…haha. At other times he puts on his stonewall face/posture and ignores my presence. But I play it cool. As far as I know, he’s still seeing the other lady. I guess I wanna know how to get better at the NC with someone I have to see often. I’ll never admit it, but everytime I see him, I miss him all over again. What’s a girl to do? Thank you for any advice you can give me. I really need it and appreciate it.
Eddie, I agree with you about communication. Now I also will say that I believe that men still love the hunt and chase of courting during relationship. If we made everything easy and accessible and give him pedestal treatment all the time then he may lose some desire.
Just my thoughts, that it has to remain interesting and he has to want to work to secure the relationship.
Tnx for the article…it makes me cry…..but vry insightful…on my 75th day of NC still have’nt changed!!But trusting and depending on someone is it mistake?,i thought that was love when u give ur ebst and sacrifice urself,aint that love :(…When u want to fix things ai’nt that love???
Hi Eddie
just found out about you 2 days ago when I was searching for a solution for my relationship that is falling apart. after reading this I feel like I have a little bit of all the causes. we are not separated yet but I fee like it is ending. is there any way to save my relationship. I know it is going to be so hard for me. the thought of it is even killing me before hand. please help me if there are some tips.
The first and most important thing you should do is talk. I mean really talk about it. Your fears, concerns, hopes, what you think went wrong, etc.
Talk from an “I” perspective. Don’t blame, don’t lecture, don’t criticize… both of you.
A collapsing relationship only has a chance if BOTH parties are interested in saving it. One alone cannot accomplish anything.