My Ex was everywhere.
I saw her face in the crowd, on advertisement posters…even on the TV. But it was never her.
My mind was just playing tricks on me – I was being haunted by my imagination and fear.
The very thought that I might have to face her again, that I might accidentally bump into her, terrified and paralyzed me whenever I left the house.
What would I do when it happened? What would I say to her? What would SHE say?
In the end, everything went completely different than I had imagined.
How To Prepare Yourself For An Accidental Bump-In
One of the golden rules of 60 days of No-Contact, is to avoid places where you could bump into your Ex. Places they used to go to, mutual social circles, etc.
The reason for this is not to jeopardize the progress you've made so far.
But you cannot isolate yourself forever … and you shouldn't.
You must understand that you have no control over your Ex or the circumstances of an accidental meeting. You can minimize the risk, but that's about all you can do.
What you CAN do, is prepare yourself for potential run-ins, so you don't have to restrict yourself to staying home.
I want you to try a simple technique that doesn't take much time but will help you deal with the fear.
Find a quiet place, sit down, relax and close your eyes. Now imagine a situation, (like you would see it on a movie screen behind your eyes), where you run into your Ex – let's say at a coffee shop.
How would that scene go off in the most positive way for you?
In other words, what would be your best performance that you could live with?
A good example would certainly be the following:
You run into them; you are a little surprised, you firmly look them into the eye and smile. You say “Hi,” and your gaze lingers a moment. You are calm and your smile confident, the situation is under your control.
Then you turn your head and go, giving them no chance for a conversation.
That way, you appear confident and polite without undermining the No-Contact Rule, (you'll still have to start from day 1, even if it wasn't your fault).
This is, in my experience, by far the best way to act on accidental bump-ins with your Ex. (I'll tell you in a minute how to NOT do it, how I did it back then).
You find YOUR perfect way of handling this, and you play it over and over again in your he until you know it by heart.
You do this for a few days, for about 10 minutes, and each time the fear of bumping into them gets a hold of you, (or before you go to “dangerous” places).
This will give you confidence and some peace of mind.
How I Bumped Into My Ex – What NOT To Do
Approximately six months after the break-up, (about two months of No-Contact), I was walking through the town carrying some groceries when suddenly she appeared right in front of me. Just like that. She lived in another town, and the chances of running into her were very slim.
But nonetheless … there she was right in front of me, no chance of turning around, no chance to bail.
She hadn't seen me yet, and since there was no possibility that she wouldn't, I walked right towards her.
She looked surprised when she saw me, almost shocked. Then she smiled her smile that always made me helpless before and said “hi.”
Ages passed where we only looked at each other; my smile was broken, helpless.
Then I watched myself suddenly doing something idiotic, and I hated myself for it a long time after that. But I was helpless.
I went towards her and hugged her. And if that weren't enough, I whispered into her ear, “I missed you so much.”
It was an outcry for help, an extended arm to be pulled out from a world of pain.
She said nothing.
Everything after that was just a blur, and I don't remember much. Eventually, we said “bye, ” and we walked away from each other. I never turned around.
Today still, I have difficulties describing what happened inside of me. It was an emotional turmoil, my stomach knotted.
Somehow I got home and just fell into the bed.
Then something happened that pretty much saved me.
The ONE Thing That Saved Me After Bumping Into My Ex
There I was lying on my bed, thinking about jumping from a bridge, if I only had the strength to get up and go to that bridge, when suddenly the doorbell rang. And it rang persistently, for minutes, (felt like hours).
I somehow got up – I just wanted this ringing to stop – and opened the door.
In front of me stood my younger brother with a big smile on his face.
He started babbling like a waterfall about this “thing” we had to go to immediately, life and death depended on it, he demanded that I come with him right now.
He pulled me out of the door right into his car.
Before I even knew what happened, I found myself in a bowling center.
I am not a big fan of bowling, and he knew that, so I really couldn't understand what was happening.
Little by little, all our friends came by, and after that we spent HOURS bowling, competing, talking, laughing and drinking.
And you know what happened? I didn't think ONCE about my Ex or the unpleasant encounter.
Not ONCE.
I just didn't have the time for it.
And the next day it all felt like a far away dream.
What had happened?
The Worst Thing You Could Do After
I was forced to NOT think of the event. I was forced to NOT obsess over what happened… what I had said, what she said – or didn't say – what it all meant… in hundreds of different variations.
I was saved from overthinking.
And compulsive overthinking is the demon that destroys your recovery.I was saved from destroying all the progress I had made in my healing until then by coercive distraction.
And that was all it took.
What To Do Should You Run Into Your Ex?
Should it happen to you, should your ever accidentally bump into your Ex, I recommend that you try your best to “play your role” according to the mind-movie you've created in your head before.
Do your BEST to be confident and strong.
Here are a few guidelines:
1. Do NOT engage in a conversation
A conversation is the last thing you want. It would mess with you and open up a wound. Maybe you would fall into old relationship patterns, maybe even have a fight.
Don't risk it.
2. Take CONTROL of the situation
YOU are in control. YOU dictate what is happening. You DON'T react, you lead.
3. If a meeting is inevitable, don't run away
Bailing out, and letting them see it, will only make you look bad, not necessarily in their eyes, but worse – in your own. You HAVE to be able to respect yourself after this.
Walk up to them, say hi, smile, and walk away.
4. Resist the urge to tell them how you feel
They know that you are going through hell, and they WILL ask you anyways. Tell them you are doing good, anything else will just lead into something you will regret later.
Trust me, there is no positive outcome for you by telling them how you suffer, how you still love and miss them, etc.
Remember, self-respect is what you have to preserve.So resist the urge.
5. Immediately after, you want to look for distraction
The goal is to avoid the harmful, compulsive overthinking. The best thing you can do is some competitive sport involving friends, family, etc. (I've heard many other variations, but this one proved to be most beneficial).
Conclusion
Those of you who must have “reduced” contact with your Ex during the 60 days, (kids together, working partners, etc. ), must deal with them on almost daily basis.
All others can prepare themselves by re-playing the best possible outcome in your head, and by following the guideline, I've posted once the dreaded scenario plays out.
There are two ways this can harm your recovery – If you allow 1. negative conversations with them and 2. overthinking what happened over and over again.
If you manage to avoid these two things, then this event could actually bring you forward.
I was glad and lucky that it turned out positively for me after I ran into her. I later found out that my brother saw me with my Ex that day and immediately developed a “rescue plan” that ultimately saved me.
What I wish for you is that this potential “scary event” loses its power over you a little, and that – should it ever come to this – you will be able to hold on to your self-respect.
And… that there's someone out there, who does for you what my brother did for me back then.
Because sometimes we just need a kick in the right direction.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I Have children with my ex. I have them over the weekend. Just as I am getting my head together, she collects them on a Sunday, this sets me way back and guarantees The rest of my week is spent obsessing and planning on how to win her back…
Is there any way to make contact easier when no contact isn’t an option?
I got up to 50 days of NC and was feeling great. Until I ran into the person. It was unexpected and he didn’t even say hello, just acted like no time had passed and literally threw something at me. Trying to be playful I think, but certainly bad form. There were other people around, so I avoided eye contact and said I have to go. He followed me saying “can I ride the elevator with you.” I said sure but still made no eye contact and didn’t say anything. We saw each other later and he made an effort not to contact me.
Then I made my mistake. I sent him a message later saying “I’m sorry things went badly, I hope you are well. I don’t know how to fix this.” He said to me “There’s nothing to fix, I have no bad feelings for you. This is perfect example of how I have no hard feelings or issues with you but you found a way to make it as awkward as possible. ”
I really think that this may help me move on because it occurs to me he is BLAMING ME for things. Like he did nothing wrong, it’s ME who makes things awkward. I will have to start over from day 1 with NC, but maybe this is what I need to finally understand that he doesn’t deserve to have me in his life because I am awesome.
I bumped into my ex once in a supermarket, I immediately smiled and said hi but you know what she did? She literally ran away, left her trolley and ran! I expected awkwardness but never that! We broke up because her rich parents dislike me because I’m not white. The past is the past, but I think her reaction was uncalled for, she hurt my feelings.
Extremely wonderful article….guys who have thought about this situation ,i feel they are half way through their progress and they dnt want to face their ex or want them again ,that’s great sign…whenever I was scared I used to say “ignore the dog”….my girl abused me but I never said a word when she left me,and always wondered how do I get back and do the same…but only thing that made my mind was why would I ever talk or reply to barking dog….so jus ignore ,trust me guys who r sensitive ,u ignore them ,u learn to ignore many things…never care for dogs…
I appreciate Eddie’s concern and thoughtfulness for us. I am going to try this plan.
I like what suzan t. said about how somehow she has new connections and groups after enrolling in new groups and activities away from the old ones.
Thank you Eddie…for the past 10 months I was and still do running scenarios in my head for what if meet my ex or have a telephone call. The best and shortest scenario among all was the one you have suggested.
Wow Eddie, thanks for sharing. My approach is to deal with my emotions up front during that 60 day period. I have found if I sequester my feelings then they are prone to resurface during my next relationship. That is my strategy.
Hi,
I am working in the same workplace as my Ex and showing ignorance+confidence (partly a pose of course) had its first results as it is she who usually retreats from a situation when both of us are present. However here comes my bump… I begin to like this feeling that I am in control and I rule “the field of battle” which is bad, since
– I should not gain confidence from her sufferings
– it is a very fragile situation, since my confidence is dependent on her, as soon as she also starts to recover it will endanger my situation
– the goal of the recovery is not to punish or ex but to forget them and live our life without them
Can anyone offer a good advice how to overcome this phase? I am regularly repeating to myself that “my happiness is independent of hers and our life has separated” and it seems to help, but anything which accelerates the process would be helpful.
Your site name cracked me up, Zoltan.
I found your comments extremely insightful and honest. I think you’re more self aware than most…as well as forthright to acknowledge that your behavior is maladaptive and self serving.
As one who is on the receiving end of this behavior I think you, personally, will eventually be just fine as you are aware of it. I don’t know if my Ex is cognizant enough to see how phony he appears. And believe me, it’s transparent. Being authentic is the best thing you could do for both yourself and your Ex if you truly don’t want to make her suffer and you want to move on.
But I have a question for you. Do you put out the bravado mainly for the benefit of yourself, your Ex or for your friends and co-workers? Are you authentic with anyone in private? Just curious. And best of luck.
Thanks for your comments Barb.
To answer your question the order is 1, 3, 2… 🙂
The least important is she herself, after all we have broken up… and the last four month has proven that I am better without her. Still I hope that she will also be healed and realize that she is also better without me (at least that is what she said and most probably it is true).
I guess the colleagues themselves are more or less accepted our actual situation and thanks God none that I know took side in it. The atmosphere is quite stormy anyway (because of other things) the least I want to introduce another disturbance factor. And honestly it is none of their business.
The most important however is personal integrity that I should be able to look into the mirror each morning (quite practical because shaving without a mirror is dangerous :). That was the whole ground why I chose to engage in the social activities, since she often bashed me how nerving and unlikable I am. This I successfully disproved, and the fact that it gave me power over her was just collateral. But the little devil on my right (or is it the left) shoulder starts to tell me that look “she tried to control your life and hurt you so often, look how weak she is… why not try to put more pressure on her”.
But really we should not concentrate on people who brought us bad feeling, but the ones who make us feel happier. Payback is not really sweet, it just bring back old issues which are better to be forgotten.
To your situation: I think you did the right thing, retreating is a viable move and sometimes it is the most beneficial. Next time probably fighting will be the better choice. As long as it is you who decides it is fine. I also suggest trying to forget these things, the past is already behind and tomorrow will be a new day with new situations.
This post couldn’t have come at a better or worse time for me…depending upon how you look at.
I was unceremoniously dumped on my birthday last November by a man I had been in a relationship with for over 6 years. The trigger to the dumping was me asking “So…where is this going…anywhere?” That’s all it took for him to push the escape hatch. Just so you know, we’re in our 50’s so it’s not like we were in our 20’s which, in my mind, would make more sense as to his behavior.
It has been almost a year since that event and I have followed NC the entire time. We live in a small town and I have run into him on occasion but have always kept our meetings to a smile and a hello. I thought I was doing okay until a couple of days ago when it all collapsed around me.
I was invited to a dinner party of 10 people. We were having a fine time and then my Ex showed up about an hour into the dinner semi-invited. He knew I would be there but I had no idea he might show up. The minute he walked in and saw me he flipped a switch and became the friendliest guy in the room, the center of attention and the “stand up guy” he wants everyone to think he is.
I was completely blindsided by him showing up. We were in a dining room and I had to sit there listening and watching him schmooze the rest of the guests. I lasted about 15 minutes and then my primal flight response took over. I SO wanted to suck it up and endure the evening but I just couldn’t. I got up, excused myself and went home. The hosts realized that the situation was awkward and apologized for the encounter, which made me feel even worse in a way.
The next day after some reflection I came to some conclusions. The BEST scenario would have been that I didn’t care if he showed up or not, or if I did, I could mask my emotions and put on a performance like he was doing and preserve some “power.” The entire dinner party would be a silent show of one upmanship as to who was fairing better. And believe me, he is fairing better than me.
Consequently, I decided I couldn’t play the game, decided what was the less painful scenario, and left the party. I may have appeared weak and a victim, but I knew what was best for me at the time. I put myself first and got out of an unbearable situation.
I post this because “pretending” you’re okay when you’re not, and thinking you have to suck it up in really awkward situations in order to have dignity is not always the case. If I appeared weak by leaving the party, so be it. It beats the hell out of sitting there for hours pretending I’m feeling okay when all I want to do is leave. Take care of yourself first. But the absolute one thing I’m glad I never did…and wanted to on SO many occasions…was contact him in any way shape or form. Months down the road you’ll be SO glad you didn’t even if it’s the one thing you want to do now. Trust me on this. NC all the way. Especially with emotionally unavailable asshats.
Oh my gosh Barb… You did everything right. Do not be so hard on yourself. You took care of yourself and far from appearing week, you were appearing strong and confident. I would have done the same thing happened Had i thought I had had enough. Good for you.
Thank you, Liza, for your kind words but I’m fairly certain I looked anything but confidant…more like a cornered badger that would have chewed my leg off if my foot were caught in a trap. But you’re right about being hard on myself, which I tend to do. Here’s to further emotional growth and recovery and hoping the next encounter won’t be as jolting.
I saw my ex 3 weeks after breakup, he was coming out of the university building. When I saw him coming out, I stopped at the door, waited for him to pass, and did not make any eye-contact with him, while I was standing 2 or 3 meters away from the door and he saw me. I TOTALLY ignored him while showing him my confidence. Although I did good when I saw him, I had another panic attack. In order to calm my self I attended a class that I love, while I was in the class, I was totally into the teacher’s speech and the attack went away by itself.
What make me strong during the act of ignoring him, was thinking about the fact that “he is the source of my sadness, anxiety and pain, so I should ignore the source of injury If I wanna heal.”
Farnam – I agree that my ex too is the source of sadness, anxiety and pain and I should ignore the source of injury if I want to heal. I am going to paste it over the wall for me to be reminded of it everytime I miss him.
I am so happy it helped as it helped me.
Thank you Eddie but what about those of us who have to see or ex becase we share custody, how do we deal? It’s very hard
I attended a get together last week that my ex attended also. I totally ignored him, which was easy due to all of the lies he told me. His sister arrived and waved and then came over and spoke to me (we were co-workers) at which time he got up and left. Interesting because he blamed her for our break up saying that she supposedly told him that I didn’t really love him. Actually he was dating her neighbor while seeing me too! I’m sure he thought that I would ignore her too.
It’s been a little over two weeks since my break-up and it’s been a rough ride the last couple of days, including bumping into him this morning. My ex and I live in the same building so NC is definitely difficult. I did play this scenario in my head over and over and it went well over all. I said “Good Morning”, he responded in kind. I asked how he was doing, we chatted for second and then I said “Have a good day” and walked away.
After reading this article however, I realize I probably should have just said hello and left it at that…but there is a part of me that really just wanted that bond between us if even for a minute. I unfortunately am at work now and finding a powerful enough distraction is not working, so as expected I am mulling this encounter over and over in my head.
I guess I have to reset NC back to 1 now….
It’s been a tough week and I could really use some positive energy right now.
What is your advice for those of us who have to work with ex’s or are in the same social circle? I have stayed away and have missed out on lots of group events so that I maintain NC. But its been 4 months now and I would like to go to some events in the future. Help please
Hi sally,
Work wise and as what Eddie advised in NC and if a communication is a must with your ex, then keep it to the minimum.
Social wise, I suggest to enroll into new groups or activities away from the old ones so as to help you healing faster…I went to different gym and charity and had changed my job (breakup was at the same time when I lost my job) and now somehow have new connections and new groups.
This is a nice post.
I saw my ex 1 year after our really bad break-up.
We never took the time to talk heart to heart after I met another girl and we got into these huges fights.
So we’ve talked, and we saw how much each other missed the other one, or maybe that’s what I wanted to see because I left her but I miss her so much. And after I explained myself for every bad thing I did, she opened her arms and wanted me to hug her. So I hugged her and I said in her ear that I was so sorry.
We talked a little bit after that. And we left on our sides. She wrote a text message to say she hoped I would be happy. It’s been 2 months. I wrote back 3-4 times but she doesn’t answer anymore.
I lost her for another girl that wasn’t worth it and now I’m losing this other girl.
So be careful my friends, if you love someone very much and they love you, take good care of them. It might be long before you feel the same way for someone else.
Nick
This is true. It could be many years before you meet someone again you can let go and be yourself in front of and with
thank you Eddie. Your stuff is so dead on compared to all the nonsense out there. I ran into my ex 11 months into my recovery. we met in our local bank and at first he did not see me so I had some time to breathe. I get a complete physical reaction to the trauma. Heart racing and my whole body shakes. He noticed me and grunted his not very nice hello, and I said hi, I guess looking like a deer in headlights. It seemed like hours while we were both attending to our personal banking, and then he finished first. He had to walk past me to exit. As he was approaching I turned and looked at him with a smile, hoping he would want to meet me outside and talk to me (this kind of thinking is what I will avoid in the future), as he quickly walked past looking annoyed. Let me also admit that I was completely conscious of the fact that it was the exact time he got off work and it was very possible that I would run into him in the bank.I did not try to avoid this and in fact made myself look extra pretty. Timing is something else I will now consider in the future.When I left the bank I calleda friend from my church. I was hysterical crying and ranting about “why does he keep ignoring me. She reminded me that this is the same behavior that has continued since day one. My friend eventually empathized with how horrible situation was for me. We ended our conversation with a prayer and asked God to handle the situation, specifically to do a mighty work in my husband’s heart. Not for reconciliation but for kindness toward me. Leaving it to God completely takes me out of the picture. Blessings to all
Liza thank you for giving it to God. I have done the same for my wife who is ending our marriage of 17 years. Most devastating thing to happen in my life and God has given great grace. Eddie’s NC advice is hard but it’s working!
This site has been the best source of guidance and advice during my fight for self confidence and recovery. Yet another brilliant article. On day 22 of NC, and getting there, it’s been rough, and I have no doubt it will continue to do so for sometime, but I really feel more in control after suffering a second breakup with my ex fiance… Eddie, you’re a legend my friend \m/
Thanks for this one Eddie, I always played the scenario in my head of what I will do should I be unfortunate to meet my ex, my scenario in my head works out pretty well but what freaks me even more out is if I should bump into her with her new man…that is something I do not think I will be able to handle well. I have maintained my NC the pain is slowly passing through and I am worried that it will all rush back once I bump into her or her and her man.
I keep avoiding all the places I know she might be and I really do not want to live like that forever, my therapist told me that maybe it might not be a bad idea to see her again (in public) just to test myself and see how I can handle the situation, I do not think I can do that, any advice?
Hi Eddie,
Thanks for the Article. A must need for me at this time.
I got to know from office colleague that my ex is working a few yards away from my office and I have to pass through the way her office is situated everyday. I know she would have seen me sometimes. After knowing about my ex working near me, every girl I saw of her height and complexion I feel that’s my ex. I get panic stricken.
Thanks Eddie once again now I know what to do if I accidently bump into her.
Thanks Eddie, that’s exactly what I needed. My situation is a bit different, had 5 months of total NC, after 5 months of not so good NC while I occasionally checked on him on facebook but still didn’t talk to him. Well done me! I don’t think of my ex anymore, don’t want to talk to him or have him back I am ok, in a new relationship only that I found out I will see him in 3 weeks time( we will be in the same place for 5 weeks). Since I was told that, I keep playing possible scenarios in my head. I came up with 3 options but couldn’t decide which one is best as all have good and bad points. Hide from him would make me the victim, he will eventually see me and it will look bad, looking for him to talk straight away might seem desperate too but accidentally meeting and just saying hi and leave sounds much better. You helped me make my decision. Now I have 3 weeks of virtual meeting rehersals and I will be great at it. This too shall pass and I will be proud of how it went. The last step and test of my recovery..