Break Up and Divorce This Is How the Dumper Feels During No Contact

This Is How the Dumper Feels During No Contact

How the Dumper Feels During No Contact

How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?

What psychological effect does this have on them?

Why do we even want to know?

The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.

But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?


At least, it shouldn’t be.

But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.

Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.

Still thinking of your Ex? Click here to learn WHY and what you can do about it.

The Psychology Behind No Contact

The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.

While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.

The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)

Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees”:

1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”

The Psychological Effect Of No-Contact

The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:

They don’t want to lose their Ex.

If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.

The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.

If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:

It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this, for various reasons:

  • The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
  • They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
  • You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
  • You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
  • It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.

Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?

2. Psychology of the “Dumper”

The Psychological Effect Of No-Contact

The Dumper will test your determination.

The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:

  • They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
  • They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
  • Some want you for occasional sex.
  • They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
  • They want to be around to “help” you.

Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.

Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.

This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.

They are merely testing you.

But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.

Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.

One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.

What You Should Do

The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.

It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.

It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.

If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.

MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me

You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.

This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.

See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • I did not follow the no contact rule, she dumped me after I overreacted after she really took my oxygen away not sending messages and not calling.
    Her messages were like water for plants. I lashed out and called her refridgerator.
    I show regret remourse
    And try to show her what lays in store for us if her love is not dead for me.
    She kept cloths, stuff with and without strong emotional value and she does not return them.
    She lives 600km away in Germany
    I plan to wait for her when coming home and see what she says. We have gone so deep that I do not understand her…only if her love wasn’t true and strong as mine

  • I found this article very helpful and true. And I think it’s very important to understand psychology of both parties. It really helps to stay focus on your recovery and will make it harder for dumper to sabotage you. When my ex texted to tell me he still loves me and wants to make love, I can clearly see that it’s manipulation and quick fix that he needs. Thank you, Eddie, it is very helpful information.

  • I was dumped for reasons I didn’t know existed – new love in her life. It hurts how easily she moved on. How quickly I’ve been erased and forgotten about from every aspect of life. It angers me. Nobody deserves this.

  • I got dumped even though the problems were caused by his ex I followed the no contact rule=massive misfire bigtime during the no contact time his ex got him together with someone else and she’s bad news as she’s used and dumped every guy she’s been with but my ex won’t hear a word about her. After he’d got with her he hid it from me for a couple of weeks then admitted that if I’d told him sooner how much I loved him we might have worked it out and he wouldn’t have got with her but now if anyone tries to tell him what she’s really like he clings to her even tighter….so the no contact rule doesn’t always work instead of getting me and my ex back together instead he claims he just wants to be friends as we were before as I’m too important to lose from his life…so where do I go from here…I can’t just be his friend and his new girlfriend and me dislike each other and have for years

  • *i forget to explain this
    in May we are going to Greece,but i am not staying in his city.I will go with my friends in some other where is a big serbian party going..just we are stopping by in his city and moving what should i do?call him or not?
    I am afraid old flame would burn again(but that would be even harder..we really have that amazing chemistry..but we are fucking far away and that dont change)…or he is going to say that he moved on and has some new girl(and i will be heart broken again and this time lose even that good memory of him and the time we had.i really want to save that nice picture..he really means so much to me)..or he would be cold and not come for a coffee because he really dont care for me..i really dont see good end of this story,but i want to see him so much!!!
    maybe you are more objective(even dough its just a text and my side of a story and you never saw us)

  • I was in long distance relationship for 8 months…we meet on vacation and fall in love on first sight..i broke up with my boyfriend 3 months before going on that vacation and i was very sad.we were together for 3 years and i thought i will never fall in love again and that he was perfect.i meet so many guys on that vacation but still i was thinking about that ex guy..and then last night i met Ilia and it hit me like never before!I completely forget about that ex boyfriend in just few hours.That night with Ilia was nothing special when i tell to my friends but to him and me it was the best night of our lives!(we didnt have sex..just we were kissing,talking,having fun,night sweeming..).he was albanian and he didnt tell me that because i am serbian.after i found out that when i checked his profile on fb..and was a little scared because our countries have been and still are a little bit in war…but i am not a person who cares for nationalities,race etc.i looked at him as a person.we continued to hear for next 4 months and fall in love even more..he came to serbia in november with his friend and we had amazing time!but at the end he kept telling how we dont have future,how he wants me every day and that he dont believe long distance will work out because i have 3 more years to finish medical college and that is too much time.i understand his logic.he is working,has 24 years and wants some more serious relationship…i know the reality,but i love(really i mean that) him and i believe if he loved me logic would never stand in our way…but maybe i am just too much naive..and maybe he doesnt love me that much to wait for me.and logic is-what if after 3 years long distance we get together and realise we are not right for each other..and that all was an ilusion…i understand that fear but still i am willing to take that risk.why isnt he??
    we saw each other once more in december.i went to thessaloniki on shopping tour(i have no money.i only had 20e for that one afternoon tour.i traveled 9h in one direction with bus and again in other just so i could see him and spend one afternoon with him)..and it was amazing,but it was gone so fast,like i wasnt there…he said-“like i was dreaming”..he even put our photo on fb.he never did that with no other girl.and even me i didnt put photo(because i didnt want to push),he did it before me.and he said that he loved me and that i am the only girl he could imagine serious relationship with(and i must admitt that he is a player)but i am fucking far away..and again begin story about future..we continued to hear after but things were getting colder..and i told him maybe is better to stop because i dont want to rulin beautiful memory that we had..because he really started acting like a jerk and didnt care for me.but he didnt let me break up then and bagged me to stay together a little bit longer and that he will try to change his mind about our future(i knew that is not going to happen and i told him that..but i wasnt strong enough to break up..i was still hoping-maybe he will change his mind)..he didnt change his mind…he broke up with me month after that in chat.i was angry and deleted him and his friend from fb,because i think no contact is the best(but it is so fucking hard to do).he didnt even want to talk on skype(i am not drama person,but i wanted to have one last conversation after all)…i was a little desperate so i called him week after that to talk on skype because i really needed that..and we was hard for both of us so we talked more about movies and music and just a few sentences about end…at the end of conversation i said-goodbye.he smiled and said-no goodbye,goodnight.i havent heard with him since then(one week now)…
    But real problem is this-I have opportunity to go to Greece in May with my aunt and brother and some friends..and its free vacation..and we are going for one afternoon to his city(he knows for that plan.i told him before break up…and then we planned that i stay in his city while my friends are on vacation in other and that they pick me up on our way back…but now things changed and i am not going to stay in his city obviously)…so,i am asking you-what you think is the best thing to do?to call him for a coffee when i get there or not?i want to be with him,but i think he is more realistic and maybe his love is not that strong for me(or it is strong but he will not let emotions win over reality)…just writting all this shows how desperate and confused i am.i never felt like this in my life!

  • Yesterday, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for about a year and a half. I wasn’t ready to call it, but he didn’t want to work on things (he seemed like he did but then completely changed his mind). He “still wants me in his life” and even “wants to be friends with the hopes that someday we can try again”. I said no. I can’t be friends with someone I have feelings for. And, I’m not doing the on-again-off-again thing. I was really good to him, but honestly, he was not a good boyfriend, and the writing has been on the wall for a while. But, still, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I talked to him more than I talked to anyone else, we have SOOO much in common, and he “got me” better than anyone else ever had.

    I cried off and on all the way home (he lives 4 hours away), and then I came home and happened upon this site. I’m so glad I said the things I did. And, in a few days/ weeks, I’m going to feel compelled to contact him. So, to help in NOT doing that, I’ve deleted his contact info from my phone and signed off of Facebook for a while. The FB thing is important because it will keep me from checking up on him too. I also went around the house and disposed of the pictures of us together. And the shirts from his firehouses (even the super awesome hoodie) are going in the VVA pile.

    I know it’s a day-by-day, baby step-by- baby step kind of thing though. When I find my heart leading my mind to all the stuff that makes me miss him, I am trying my hardest to remind myself of how I could never depend on him and how I wasn’t important to him (clearly, or he would have tried harder).

    The “avoiding things that remind you of your ex” is going to be the hardest step for me. We started dating just after I closed on my house, so it’s filled with memories. We like a lot of the same shows. We’re both big nerds, and it will be hard to avoid those things in my life. Outside of moving (which seems a little drastic), I’m not sure how to avoid that stuff. Just keep reminding myself of the bad stuff?

    Luckily, I won’t have to worry about running in to him until summer when a mutual friend has their annual pool party/ cookout.

    • Hi Amy, how are you doing? I’m curious… Your case is very similar to mine.

  • Hello, this is Alex,

    Today is a day I wish never came, today my divorce is final…

    Its been a long time, lots of procrastination on both ends, but its finally done.
    I have been in no contact for 3 weeks and although I had felt as if I was regaining my power, although I felt like I was reaching my purpose, today I feel that I have lost it all. I am NOT braking my no contact no matter what, but today I feel defeated. Today I feel that she took all the power away from me once again.

    I will continue this journey to win myself back and to rebuild what my ex left behind, but today I choose to quietly suffer this pain I feel inside. Tomorrow I will get up and continue, but today I will allow myself to grief. And even if she will never know the blow I received today, I don’t have the will to fight it, at least for Today.

    • How did your relation end? were you both stubborn? Deep hatred? No communication? Did you both just ignore each other at the end and let it drop off and fade away?

      Sometimes its better(and also shows courage and strength)to yield and let her know how you truly feel… as what you just explained in your message I just read.

      Maybe you could tell her what you said in this letter that you are actually crushed by losing her?

      Because, sometimes planting seeds will leave an impression on her heart”

      There can be no harm in telling her that.

      It may be one of those things that you may later-on regret not speaking out on?

      If you are silent, then she truly will never know

      I am sorry for your loss of one you do truly love’

      • Hay Dewy,

        No this was slowly working, we had been getting a divorce for a while (procrastinating on both ends) finally 16 months ago, I moved out of the house (she kept telling me to leave). When I left she said that this was when she suffered the break up. 7 months ago I learned she is dating and is in love with another man, which is when in my mind my break up began. you see, through all the time after I moved out, I always thought we would get back together again, but that was not the case. It has been a rough few months.
        She finally pushed for all the papers and courses to be completed for the divorce and its finally all done.

        I did all the mistakes that you can do when you break up, was the dumpee, and even said I would always be there for her no matter what. But, I woke up and realized that she moved on, I needed to heal, I needed to cure this pain. So I stepped away and started no contact, 3 weeks ago.

        As far as telling her how I feel, she knows exactly how I feel about her, and she knows the pain this whole thing has put me through, I just want it all to end and hopefully I can move on and recover the broken pieces of my life.

        We had a lifetime together and its so hard to forget it all. Also we have kids which hurts me even more that we are not a family any more. It is so difficult to let go, but I think this is the best thing and let her be happy with her life without me. I just hope that after all of this is done, I can be happy too.

        • I will tell you right now.

          She is not in love with him!!!!!!!

          She is excited to be entertained by a new person. He is a rebound! Sure, something could become of their relation, but you are on her mind when she is with him. He does not know this though.

          You were with her for a long time. she is not just going to forget about you in an instant!

          The best thing you can do if you really love her is to tell her in a email message what I told you in the last reply here. and she needs to know that you are remorseful that your relation ended the way it did with a divorce.

          If you don’t speak, she will never know! plant the seed!

          You wish you could start over and fix the mistakes.

          Leave her alone and work on moving on friend! Don’t date anybody either! You need to keep your mind to yourself for quite a while to reflect on your mistakes(we are all guilty of this)and to discover what you really want in life.

          • Thank you for your words, but as much as I would like to imagine its true, I don’t think it is. I am trying to stay away, and I am working on myself. Still have bad days but I also have good ones. I don’t want to put hopes in my mind, that got me nowhere when all this happened, I just want to heal… for the pain to never come back. I’m doing my best to move on. If what you say is true, then she will have to make the move because I already gave her what she wanted… I’m out of her life.

          • Alex what happened?? Im going thru the same situation. All this unknown about the future is very bothersome, specially thoughts of maybe never getting over her. Its scary and confusing

    • Take comfort in the knowledge that you WILL get there. Similar thing happened to me – and I honestly thought I’d never make it. It’s now 30 day NC and although it’s hard I am getting there.
      As the saying goes: “if somebody wants to leave you, then let them go”.

    • Separation from loved one in life is a separation much worth than death. I understand your anguish and agony. Find a separate room and let it out by weeping, if you are responsible or have contributed for the divorce in a significant way. Do this as long as it takes. If it is not your fault you should be able to calm down.

  • My Boyfriend and I broke up after 7 years. Im 26 and he is 25. I love him dearly and I miss him very much. He doesn’t drive so I took him anywhere he needed to go. I take him to his hair appointments,work and other places that he needed to go for 7 years. Everything started with some girl and the rumors she is 18 she does not drive either. Rumors at his work place saying they would vanish on there breaks together and at party’s I confronted him for it and he said to me that people wanted to start shit and they are just friends and they aren’t alone. I threatened the girl to back off twice and stop texting him so much. And it didn’t work. He got mad at me cause he said I didn’t trust him enough and he told he that he just wanted to be friends with her but i trusted him not her. In the end he wanted to break it off first we agreed to the breakup and I told him that one day when the bullshit and drama goes away we could seek each-others affection again and he agreed. I’m very close to his family and they say that im still part of the family even-though we been broken up almost 2 months and no contact. I talk to his mom all the time and she tells me that he still does not like that girl romantically and they are just friends….his mom does not want him to date a 18 year old lol. I also wonder If he still thinks of me on a regular basis I do miss him but I will not look like a desperate bitch for him. I have done everything for him for 7 years. I would cook him breakfast, take him to work and pick him up. His hair and eye appointments and cook dinner for his family He still lives with his father and his brother at the apartment. His dad loved me and heard everything that was going on and said that he wanted me to stay A part of his family as well. I also live with my mom and dad……yea im broke all the we couldn’t afford to get our own place. over the past 2 months he has been walking where he needs to go or his best guy friend would pick him up or his brother or dad. I think his best friend who has a car is not coming around much since hes been seen walking more he is getting the hint. After being with someone for 7 years I cant just be friends with him. I would like to work it out with him but if he ever starts dating this girl I do not want to contact or be friends with him ever again.

    • The best thing you can do right now is to STOP”.. accusing him of anything(even if he is guilty) and start backing off from him. this is the only way you can save your relation! You don’t want him to see you as a jealous woman etc. If you remain there for him anytime during this time, he will see you as weak and insecure, and know that you will be there at his calling even if he is flurting with others etc..

      The best way to pull the wool from under him is to take him by surprise and do the UNECSPECTED!!

      When he start pulling away, then you do the same!! He needs to learn what he will be missing!!

      I know this stuff from experience and my own mistakes!!

      So for now, just totally back off from him ok”

      I know its not easy, but you have to trust me about this!

  • Hello Lovers,

    I just got contacted by my EX,
    I have no idea what to do . I kind of see my smirk on my face.
    I was on day 47 No contact and she contacted me (I kind of broke up with her after she treated me like shit) …damn. I’m so confused.

    Really confused, should I like talk to her so I can test my letting go, see if she’s got me by the 00 still or ignore it ?
    What do you guys think it s the most mature way to deal with this?


    • Do you still love her? You have to be truthful to yourself about that.

      If you really want to move on, then I would say let it go.

      Maybe she wants to apologize. Without foregivness, there is never love!

      My ex treated me like shit too’

      But I did still love her. When you love someone, you are WILLING and wanting to work through problems.

      You should respond to her text politely. Just see what she wants. Don’t burn bridges!

  • stephanie says:

    I am devastated, my boyfriend was being aloof and distant because he broke up with me a month ago, but we made up after 5 days. Then I was honest with him and told hm the night he broke up with me before I friended an ex on facebook. He was angry with me and since then things have spiralled out of control and finally I had had enough and told him maybe we shoud just call it, and he said “ok then”, Came home the next day and moved his things out. I was heartbroken, i wanted dialogue about our problems not realy for him to leave Anyhow, it has been 6 days and I am an idiot that keeps telling him it was meant to be and he will see that some day, that I am so sad I cannot contain myself. He said I will be happier, but I texted him back and said that is not true, he never answered back. I kn ow he is coming today to get more of his things. What should I do? I dont want to lose him. He tells me he is sad too then why is he still leaving? Why? If he does not want to go then why is he going? I am devastated because we were together for 3 years and he used to be addicted to me, he chased me for months before we ended up togehter because I had another boyfriend at the time. What is wrong wth me and him>?? IF I initiate no contact wont he just think that I do not care and he will think he was right all along???

    • You have to tell him the truth. Tell him you are sorry and were acting out of fear of losing him. “I don’t want to kid myself’.. I do love you! (your name)

      Then let him be for a while until he contacts you, which he will!

  • Hello All-I apologize in advance for sounding like a butt, but I thought this was a site designed for testimonials and success stories of how people loved themselves enough to implement and adhere to the NCR. I understand we are all human and sometimes need to vent, but please people. Geesh!

    I usually don’t respond/post to blogs…I am a habitual spectator; but, I just could not resist after reading some of the comments posted on this site. As hard as it is to let someone go when you really love them, but loving yourself enough to know when you deserve better should never be hard. No matter how much you beg, plead, cry, or even sex your ex, you cannot…absolutely cannot force them to accept and love you; it has to be their choice.

    You think by being a doormat for them you are showing them how good of a person you are which in turn will make them change and want to be with you? No. I’m sure by now they are already aware that you are a good person…it hasn’t changed them yet. What you are doing is devaluing yourself and appearing weak and maybe even pathetic to them.

    Heartache for anyone is a lot to deal with. Emotional pain is a horrible pain; but why put yourself through more than you’re already going through my staying in touch with your else. Pray for the gift of goodbye. The heart is made to heal, and it will with time and perseverance. If you are not loving yourself enough in this situation, then, how can you truly love others?

    Don’t give up/in, reach deep within and find your inner strength. It’s innate, we all have it.

    Good luck and God bless.

    • Not Confused says:

      You’re clearly not “confused”…. but everyone else is clinging onto something that doesn’t exist for dear life. If they let you go, you pick up your bottoms and forge forward with your dignity and self worth…. not by begging, pleading, crying, telling them anything. If they thought they could live without you — let them see what that reality is like. And if they come crawling back, maybe, just maybe, you might consider giving them a chance to have THE PRIVILEGE to be in your life again. But you make sure THEY know how much self respect you have and won’t stand for anyone, NOT EVEN THEM, to make you question YOUR VALUE.

      Stay strong homeys. My boyfriend ended it with me five days ago via text message, and no matter how much we had sung each other home previously, how connected our souls were, I will graciously remove myself from anyone’s life who no longer wishes me to be in it. No response. No explanation. No sayonara. No thank you.

      Let me tell you how shocked I was and still am, and I won’t lie and say how deeply I’m hurt, saddened, confused, and struggling here. But if I seemed to have learned anything is that the more you push, the more they will pull.

      Okay that’s my rant. Read “confused” post along with mine and I wish you all some big balls, self respect, self love, and peace 💪✌🙏♥

  • Thanks Eddie !!

    Your article was as reading the explanation to why I did what I did when the girl I was with dumped me in a not so nice way without giving me the reason why – But I knew it was because because she had started to see someone else and later found out she was dating the guy while we where still together. She wanted to stay friends and said she “just wanted both of us to be happy”……., she was texting me and even invited me to BBQ that here new boyfriend hosted. I really felt hurt and humiliated. No way I would hang out as friends with here and here new boyfriend. She would be loving him and feeling petty for me, yeah right – that’s just not going to happen. Right now I have not spoken to here for two months and I have told myself that I will never speak to here again ever. I treated here really well when we where together and she returned that with dumping me and trying to humiliate me. Sorry but I don’t want to have anything to do with here. I’m don’t want here back or have anything to do with the girl. The only thing I regret now is that I meet here and gave here the opportunity to hurt me as much as she did. I don’t think I deserved it 🙂 !

  • hey everyone,

    I know this is a pretty old thread, hopefully someone will read it…my boyfriend…err ex boyfriend…broke up with me on Saturday. We had been dating for almost three years (anniversary is in two weeks…) I’m 22, he’s 26. He was my first real love, first serious relationship, I thought we would be together forever. And for a long time, he reciprocated those feelings, he was just as head over heels for me as I was for him. We were very happy for a long time. It was so right for so long, then all of a sudden, it just wasn’t right anymore. A couple months ago, he started a new job that had him working 16+ hours a day, 11 days on 3 days off. He was very stressed and exasperated over the whole thing, and in the beginning, I didn’t help because going from seeing him 4-5 times a week to seeing him once or twice in two weeks was really hard, I felt so distant and it didn’t feel okay. We had sex maybe twice in three months…which was just not like us at all. But after a few arguments, I put up with it. He started taking his stress out on me, I became his doormat, making excuses for him saying he’s just stressed out. My gut was telling me for weeks that this wasn’t right anymore, but my heart wouldn’t believe that. My heart made me believe that I’m better to be unhappy with him, rather than without him. Then I started telling myself, that when this job ends (it ends this Friday) I’ll see if things change, if not, I’ll break up with him. I’d like to think I would have, but honestly I think I would’ve been too chickensh*t to do it myself. So maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that he did it. It’s been five days, we haven’t spoken, it didn’t end with a fight or harsh words, just both of us crying. We have a tent trailer together that is at my house, and he has to come pick it up at some point along with his stuff that’s at my place, and I just don’t know when I’m supposed to ask him to come get it. I want to see him so bad, I miss talking to him, and I’d like to talk to him to just tell him that I appreciate everything we had and don’t blame him or myself for anything, we just kinda grew apart. But I don’t know when I should text him. I don’t know when he’d eventually text me if I waited, but I can’t keep driving up to my home and see the trailer in the driveway. It’s hard to see. I know it’s the right thing that we broke up, and I feel like I’m handling it way better than I thought I ever would if we broke up, but my heart…is just in so much pain. I feel like chances are we both just kinda fell out of love, and I mean, why be in a relationship when you’re pretty much just friends at that point? Especially if I’m feeling under-appreciated and unloved…We lost the passion he used to have, and lost the communication we always patted ourselves on the back for. I feel like I almost miss him more as my friend than my boyfriend, maybe that’s what hurts the most, or maybe I’m just in denial, but my heart hurts so much. We had so many amazing times that I wouldn’t give up for anything, and I couldn’t have asked for a better first love, and I don’t THINK I want to get back together with him, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. But who knows if he said “I want you back I made a mistake I miss you” that I wouldn’t go running back. I’d like to think I’m stronger than that, but I was also so happy with him. I’m so confused with my feelings. I feel okay for half a day, knowing that it’s actually kind of a relief, then I come across a memory in my head and I’m so sad the rest of the day. I feel like my mind maybe prepared me for the break up before it happened since I sensed it was coming weeks before, but my heart just won’t stop aching. I don’t know what that means. I’m just confused.

  • Hi Eddie,

    I had a boyfriend for 8 months, who was a recent divorcee at the time we met. He made promises of starting a life together and was happy to have met me. Also said that he was happy to have found love again. We never argued and were always affectionate to one another. This month he says that he is scared and needs time to get his life together and isn’t ready for a commitment. I was blind-sided. He says that he wants for us to still communicate and that he loves me. He continues to call and/or text daily. Keeps apologizing and says he feels like crap and he is also hurting for doing this; but needs to get his life together, misses me, loves me, and that I’m a wonderful woman. I am hurting over the situation and I don’t know what to do. Please advise.

    • I went through the same thing …she really has nothing and won’t get alimony till the house is sold ..she already lost her job and car ! She is starting over trying to make money through eBay…together a yr ..broke up for 3 months then she came back …I should of made her prove herself ,made her make more of a effort towards us instead of just letting her back easily without fixing or working through why she left the first time !that was my biggest mistake cause after 3 months she left me again just like before! It is true if they do once they’ll do it again unless you address what went wrong the first time ..even if it doesn’t at least it was tried and addressed….the relationship was great …great sex always got along enjoyed being together…it’s just she’s a divorcee and has a lot on her plate and I think once divorced people don’t want a relationship there just looking for sucks but I thinks it’s true even if they do love you …they need to go solo for awhile to relearn the single side of life …

  • After a few days of NC with her contacting me. I get a message today that she went to hospital yesterday and still didn’t feel right. I couldn’t not answer. Worst mistake ever. For no reason whatsoever she went out of her way to make me feel worse about everything and even basically invalidated the 2 years we spent together as nothing. I’m so sick right now. I hate this

  • My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me two weeks ago, before this year we were so happy, everything was just perfect, we had the rest of our lives planned out together but this year his father died and my father has been in hospital for several months and is in a critical condition. Up until a few weeks ago we were supporting each other, seeing each other as often as we could, talking every day on the phone if we could not see each other. Understandably he started to spend a lot of his time with his mother and when we had made plans to spend the day together, a day for us, he cancelled and spent the day with his mum instead, this happened two weekends in a row and the following week he dumped me. I was very upset that he hadn’t spent the time with me as promised as we had both said how much we had missed eachother and needed to make time for us and I was somewhat short with him for a few days. I told him that I understood that he needed to spend time with his mum but i missed him terribly and was so looking forward to our special days we planned together. We were both terribly upset when he broke it off, he was so upset and said it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I have left him alone apart from a couple of text messages that he did not respond to but I feel as though my life it over. My father is still very poorly in hospital and I feel as though I’m grieving the loss of my boyfriend and I am still very emotion about his fathers death. I have no friends and no social life, my life is working, visiting my father in hospital and looking out for my mum, I want to run away from everything but I know I can’t, I just don’t know how to stop hurting, stop missing him and carry on my life without him

  • I’m dealing with all of it right now and no matter how hard I try I can’t let her go. After 2 years of an on/off. Best friend relationship. She suddenly without anything happening tells me not to take it personally if she’s not around all the time or doesn’t call back right away. Of course I took it personally. How else would some1 take it. We were together basically 24/7. Did everything together. But for the last 3 months she’s popped in and out of my life and completely destroyed me. Worst part is I’m 11 years older then her and should kno better. I try the No Contact Rule but she won’t let me just go and she will contact me or show up at my house and she knows all I want is to love her. She says I shouldn’t but why be stupid and just throw it all away. She thinks I should just be fine with just being her friend. Or caring when she wants me to care. I can’t. I’m so devastated by her but can’t let go even tho I kno I have to. I just want her back but kno I lost her. I don’t kno what to do anymore

  • It’s been 7 months since I broke up with a man that I was with for 1 3/4 years. I broke up with him because I started a recovery program and finally was taking charge of my life. He was not good to me a percentage of the time all through the relationship. We were down to seeing each other one day a week. I needed to get free many times and did not respond to things he did that made me want to get away.. be it hanging up on me many times , or ignoring me on trips, or yelling at me in the night for needing comfort , or not showing up for lunch at my place then never coming at all. He said I was his best friend ever and the only woman he could trust. I told him that I was getting honest with recovery and should/could have told him how i felt earlier and that I was sorry. We met a couple times since the break=up and we talked and processed for hours on the phone with it always ending hatefully and profanely on his part because I was speaking my truth. Now , he calls (finally stopped the incessant texts). He calls at 3 am and hangs up many many times. He came by unannounced and I have a boundary against him coming here, he came by a 6 am one morning and I did not answer his knocking. He left flowers on my porch in a vase without water for my bday very very early one morning also. He says to have some compassion and what would it hurt to call. I just want free. I have had no contact since we had our last phone processing ending in the meanest things anyone has every said to me. He phone call today said that he saw my silouette on my porch and missed our sitting and chatting and that I should have compassion and call him. He is unrelenting. I still judge myself. But I want to remain strong. Should I block his number or just do nothing and let it run it’s coarse. Maybe not listen to his messages? Tara

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