Break Up and Divorce This Is How the Dumper Feels During No Contact

This Is How the Dumper Feels During No Contact

How the Dumper Feels During No Contact

How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?

What psychological effect does this have on them?

Why do we even want to know?

The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.

But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?


At least, it shouldn’t be.

But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.

Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.

The Psychology Behind No Contact

The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.

While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.

The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)

Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees”:

1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”

The Psychological Effect Of No-Contact

The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:

They don’t want to lose their Ex.

If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.

The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.

If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:

It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this, for various reasons:

  • The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
  • They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
  • You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
  • You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
  • It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.

Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?

2. Psychology of the “Dumper”

The Psychological Effect Of No-Contact

The Dumper will test your determination.

The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:

  • They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
  • They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
  • Some want you for occasional sex.
  • They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
  • They want to be around to “help” you.

Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.

Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.

This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.

They are merely testing you.

But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.

Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.

One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.

What You Should Do

The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.

It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.

It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.

If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.

MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me

You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.

This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.

See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Hi Eddie and fellow friends,

    Need your opinion. I just broke up with my boyfriend. Its started with me being not happy that with how distant he is and he knew that I loved him more than he does for me now. We fought because I found him not being honest and not commiting to whatever he promised. Afterwards, he confessed he wasnt being able to be himself with me because I did not provide him the environment. That really shocked and I feel he should have told me from the start as we have known each other for three years and we go into the relationship for 1.5 years. He broke up with me on te basis that we are too different and I wasnt able to provide him the space to be himself. I told him we can work it out and I still live him. He said he doesnt want it to be forced because it I compromise it would not be genuine. I am so confused right now because I am willing to work on it. What confused me more that the initial issur was him being distant and not putting effort thought he denied it. In his goodbye text he said that he said he was sorry for hurting me all these while and will continue to pray that I will receive the best as he just wants the best for me. He also mentioned that he will pray that I find someone who can provide me the kind of happiness that I deserves, whoever he is. And if fated, we might cross path with each other again. And he said thank you for everything.

    I’m not sure how to move forwards. He did mentioned there is no one that he could be vulnerable with and not even his family.

    I told him we can start anew but he did not reply.

    Need your opinions on this 🙂

    Thank you

  • i just feel as if my ex will just want to keep the space between us forever because she doesn’t want to contact me and she would like to keep the space that we both agreed on. my ex is a type of person who doesn’t listen to anyone that has something to do with me. the counselor talked to my ex and told my ex if she changes her mind to talk to me, to let counselor know but my expectation is my ex not changing her mind at all

  • Last I heard of my Boyfriend actually I don’t even know if he’s my boyfriend anymore …idk if you guys would even Consider somebody a boyfriend after this but anyways so November 3 he told me he had a toothache I told him I was gonna come by 2see if I could take him something and we got into a little argument Over something that completely had nothing to do with that. Well that was the last time I spoke to him he didn’t text me back after that till this day he never answered my text as he did not answer my phone calls his other phone got disconnected his work phone is on but the other one is disconnected and I guess I just don’t have the guts to go to his house face-to-face because I already know he’s probably going to reject me I’m scared of knowing that this is going to happen even though I already know but how can he go on 24 days without talking to me? He must have someone else right? It’s a prizes me because this is not him this is not in his character if he had somebody else or if something he’s very straightforward he would’ve already told me in my face if he was mad at me so I don’t know what’s going on especially today is Thanksgiving that’s what hurts the most.