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Dealing With Anger After A Break Up – Part 2/3

In part 1 we talked about how to know when we are consumed by anger, what anger really is and why it can be fatal to “stew” in it.

Today, I want to show you some ways for you to express your anger, and how to get rid of it without harming others or yourself.

First of all, I want you to realize that feelings of anger and hate after a break up or divorce are very human. We committed ourselves emotionally to one person, renounced many other things which were important for us just to be with him/her, hoping it would last forever.

Then the beloved person leaves. All our hopes and dreams were shattered. Who wouldn’t be angry or even hateful?

Please don’t condemn yourself for feeling this anger. It’s normal and understandable.

You have the right to be angry!

Allow yourself to feel this anger but forbid yourself to express the anger in harmful violent ways.

Accept it.

Remember: you alone are responsible for your feelings and not your Ex. They’ve decided to leave, but it’s your responsibility to free yourself from all negative emotions.

If you cannot express your negative feelings and try keeping them inside, you will postpone the healing process and even worse: the negative emotions will lead to depression and physical discomforts.

Let’s get rid of them, shall we?

7 Ways of Getting Rid of Your Anger After a Break Up:

1. Do some Visualization

Visualize how you let it all out on your Ex. Imagine it in as much detail as possible – how you confront, punish and attack them verbally. You may even picture how you punch them in their face. Visualize everything you would do to get “revenge”.

Do this as long as you need to until your rage and anger are starting to taper off.

Research has proven that your bodies will react in the same way – as if you had done it in reality. You will feel an ease, and you have the advantage that you haven’t done anything which you have to regret later.

This may feel very weird at the beginning, but can help you tremendously in the long term.

2. Scream it out loud

Take your car and drive to a deserted place with no people around and shut the windows.

Then, take a deep breath and scream your heart out! Scream as long and as loud as you can.

Do this as long as you can, but be careful to not damage your voice.

Take a break and start over again.

You will feel a huge release, because we do not tend to get loud – society doesn’t like it. To cry out your anger, (even with insults – don’t worry, nobody hears it), will feel reaaaally good, especially if you are inclined to keep everything bottled up inside.

Trust me on this one.

3. Hit it, Baby

This is my personal favorite.

Get a punching bag somewhere and beat the crap out of it. Be careful that you do not hurt yourself. Every time you hit it, scream out load the name of your Ex and send him/her to hell.

Because of the screaming it might be a good idea to do this in private.

Here’s a variation of that, something I discovered by accident:

Go to a nearby forest with no people around. Look for a baseball bat-like wooden stick and find the most robust tree nearby. Then again, beat it up as hard as you can (take care to not damage the tree or yourself).

Scream out loud all the evil things you wished to do to your Ex with every hit.

You will feel reborn after this.

There is also one technique you can do at home: take some ice cubes from your fridge, go to the bathroom and smash the cubes, while screaming out loud, on the floor.

These methods will really help to release your anger but it is important to take it seriously and to ignore the feelings of being silly.

4. Write it, Baby

Take a moment of quiet. Relax, sit down and write a letter addressed to your Ex, his family or his boss. But DO NOT POST this letter.

Express what your Ex did to you, how you despise it. Put all the reproaches you have against your Ex in it.

Then shred or burn it and let your anger go.

Writing these letters and not posting them has the advantage of being able to abandon your victimhood safely.

5. Yes, sports please

I always recommend explicitly to take part in sports after a break up or divorce. This helps especially to let go of your anger, among other very helpful things.

Be active, use your body. If you never have been a “sporty” person, now is the right time to start.

6. Role-Playing

This is a variation of no.1.

Take an empty chair and place it in the middle of your room. Now imagine your Ex sitting on it.

Start an imaginary discussion with him/her. Tell them all of the things you want to accuse them of doing to you. Yell, curse, shout, let yourself go, give free rein to your rage.

Do this as long as you feel you need to.

7. Entrust it to your diary

Keeping a diary is always a good idea. After a break up, it can help you to focus your mind and thoughts and it has the benefit that you conserve them for later viewing.

As a variation to no.4 you could write down all of the situations that are making you angry into your diary.

Start with sentences like “I am mad because you did…”, “I hate you because you…”, “I felt very hurt as you…”

You will feel relieved when you write all of this down in the diary. Like you’ve written it down and unburdened your soul.

Some of these exercises may seem ridiculous to you, but I strongly recommend you try them all. You will find that some help you more, some less, but there is most certainly an exercise which fits exactly for you.

When you find YOUR method, use it every day you feel this anger inside of you.

One day you will notice that there’s no more of it left. Then you’ll know that you’ve entered phase 3.

But there is still another form of anger left: the anger and hate you feel towards yourself!

I’m going to talk about this problem in the next article: dealing with anger after a break up part 3/3.

Until then, hit it baby!

Your friend,

Eddie

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15 Responses to Dealing With Anger After A Break Up – Part 2/3

  1. Aimee May 26, 2008 at 2:22 am #

    Thank you for these suggestions, I have been dealing with a lot of anger and it’s comforting to know that I am allowed to visualize getting back at him (not acting it out) without being a bad person . I did write a letter telling him all the ways he was selfish, neglectful and treated me badly, but didn’t send it.

    Also, another one of your articles mentioned getting a teddy bear. Thank you so much for that. I have been hugging my old childhood teddy bear, and it really makes me feel less lonely. God bless you.

  2. Brenda (a reader from Toronto) December 15, 2009 at 4:56 am #

    Dear Eddie:
    This post is absolutely fantastic. Thank you very much. I am taken aback with how good this is….this is the best resource I have ever seen on post-breakup anger; will definitely recommend to others.
    You’re an inspiration.
    Thanks again, from the bottom of my mending heart 🙂

  3. Help July 3, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

    I feel extremely angry right now over the breakup and with the fact that he is with someone else!! I feel like, why was he able to find someone to love him and Im here alone feeling this emotions!!! I hate him, i hate him so much, i hate that he can now be happy with a new person, and that he didnt want me in his life anymore… I feel like, what is wrong with me???? Am I that bad that no one will want to make a comitment with me? I feel rejected and so hurt… want to scream and hurt himmmmmmmmmmmm, I dont want him to be happy, I wanted him to be miserableeeee!! Im so hurttttttttttt, feel so much humiliation over this whole thing.
    The rejection is so bad is eating me upppppppppppp, I cant do this to myself, i know im only hurting myself… is like a poison in my body, i just want to cry and scream, whyyyy, what does she have that I dont? I need to get through this moment… help…

    • Hurtsalot July 4, 2010 at 3:27 am #

      Help, i completely understand what you are going through, i am on the same boat, my situation is very taboo and very unconventional to say the least… i am not the greatest person right now to myself, but i do know that anger will take out the best in you… because it has in me already… i am full of it… i want to hurt him but at the same time love him…. he is great with his defaults of course and i am here hurting like you. You are not alone in this and you will go through the motions of anger, strength then depression in all different cycles. You will be feeling them all over the place.. like a lost puppy but you will get yourself back… sooner or later and i know that the in between is what hurts… know ur not alone.

    • Infinity1009 July 4, 2010 at 6:16 am #

      Hi, I am sorry to hear that. i was in your position for many times from a same man I loved so much. 50 times that he broke up and got back together with me, i wanted him so much until the last time I did a stupid thing, like Eddie said – PAC (Panic Action Control), i lied to get his attention and he caught me, that was bad. I am a good person but what I did somehow put myself way lower than I already was. I kept beating myself up until i found Eddie's website and I stopped beating myself up. I walked thru the reading from many people here and they had so much problem like cheating and trust issue. My ex dumped me because I am not enough for him – communication skill, emotion state and i have ego. You can feel angry about it but you need to control it, you are giving him control and power to make you feel miserable. I know it is hard. It is almost 30 days NC, I still miss him very much but I know I cannot force someone who rejected me to be with me. Take some time to calm down, start the NC rule and have sometimes to think about who you are. also take an objective reason to improve yourself if you do really have some weakness and be proud of the strength that you have. Calm down, follow Eddie's advise and start it from today.

  4. @crossroads December 14, 2010 at 10:53 am #

    hey eddie….. this is great advise. thnx. i had heard that we shud remain single for sumtym aftr a breakup but had nevr really understud y. 2day u enlightened me. 🙂 god bless you.

  5. Rebecca January 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Hi,My breakup happened Jan.2,out of the blue,I started NC the next day.Is it possible to start NC too soon…I feel i have things to say to him…Im unsure if it will make me feel better or not after reading many of your articles…how does getting closure fit into NC???

  6. Rebecca January 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Hi,My breakup happened Jan.2,out of the blue,I started NC the next day.Is it possible to start NC too soon…I feel i have things to say to him…Im unsure if it will make me feel better or not after reading many of your articles…how does getting closure fit into NC???

  7. Rebecca January 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Hi,My breakup happened Jan.2,out of the blue,I started NC the next day.Is it possible to start NC too soon…I feel i have things to say to him…Im unsure if it will make me feel better or not after reading many of your articles…how does getting closure fit into NC???

  8. Rebecca January 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Hi,My breakup happened Jan.2,out of the blue,I started NC the next day.Is it possible to start NC too soon…I feel i have things to say to him…Im unsure if it will make me feel better or not after reading many of your articles…how does getting closure fit into NC???

    • Eddie Corbano January 8, 2011 at 7:47 am #

      Well, that’s not so easy to answer. It depends on the situation.

      If there are negative circumstances like abuse, cheating, etc., then I recommend going NC right away.

      If not, a closure conversation right at the beginning (during the fist week) could help you.

  9. Rebecca January 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Hi,My breakup happened Jan.2,out of the blue,I started NC the next day.Is it possible to start NC too soon…I feel i have things to say to him…Im unsure if it will make me feel better or not after reading many of your articles…how does getting closure fit into NC???

  10. Irene February 19, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    I have so much anger towards my ex, although I left him (6 monts ago).He wasn’t treating me good, disrespected me, didn’t apreciate me, criticized me, treated me with indiference and I had enough! And now I feel so much anger towards him because he never appologied, never believed that he was wrong and that he managed to moved on, have again another good woman for him.I really don’t understand.And me I have all this anger and can’t move on.I will really like to punch him, tell him in the face that he is a jerk,an asshole that doesn’t deserve anything good in life.But good things happen for him now; it’s just not right!Life is not fair sometimes and doing and being good with the others it’s just not worthed…

  11. Mary August 14, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    I love ur articles,really had helped ,tnx

  12. Jane October 2, 2015 at 9:14 pm #

    My ex and I separated 6 months ago. He had cheated then I thought we worked through that. He then told me he had contracted an STD but insisted that the test had to be a false positive. He made a major purchase days before telling me we should go our separate ways but expected me to help pay it off as part of the separation. He stopped working and took me to court for support saying he is not able to work now. I have a great deal of anger towards him and have found these suggestions helpful. I am still working through it all because I do know that the anger isn’t hurting him at all…. only me. He would like to say in touch. I’d like to never see him again and have no plans to. Time, I hope, will help.

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