Top Menu

My Life With A Narcissist – Part 1 – Is Your Ex One?

Preface from Eddie Corbano: Narcissists are out there and they need to be recognized and exposed. I knew they existed, but never had an idea of the devastation they could create in other people’s lives. Until I read Marce’s post about her personal experiences with a narcissist.

It was in fact so helpful, that I asked her to write a whole article on the topic to educate people what narcissists are and what they do… and most of all – to help you identify if your Ex was one of them.

This is an article in two parts, starting with Marce’s story – her suffering, her attempts to fix things and ultimately… how she got out.

You will find that the following is written from a very subjective, personal point of view, and this is exactly what makes it so helpful and valuable.

Please read this. This is a MUST for everyone.

John William Waterhouse [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Narcissism:
“A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance, and ambition.”

“‘I am in love with you’, I responded.
He laughed the most beguiling and gentle laugh.
‘Of course you are,’ he replied. ‘I understand perfectly because I’m in love with myself. The fact that I’m not transfixed in front of the nearest mirror takes a great deal of self-control.’
It was my turn to laugh.” – Anne Rice, Blackwood Farm

By Marce.

My life with a Narcissist – A Personal Story

In the beginning he was considerate, understanding, charming, suave, loving, and this is what “sucked” me in.

I WAS IN LOVE – hook, line and sinker.

The Suck In

The relationship was intense and romantic, and he wanted to spend most of his free time with me. He called me pet names like “princess” and “gorgeous”.

He told me that I was beautiful and “just perfect”. He made me feel secure in the relationship and said things like, “he would ALWAYS be there for me” – he was going nowhere.

He kept telling me how much he loved me, and needed me, and that he had never met, (or found), anyone like me.

However, this was short lived because after the “honeymoon” or “sucking in” stage, the tables turned.

Why?

Well, Narcissists love the “honeymoon” stage where they can just have fun and not be responsible or accountable for anything. Nor do they have to deal with any REAL issues that are necessary to take the relationship to a deeper emotional level.

He loved the romance, adoration, admiration and uplifting that I gave to him… and I think he thought he had found THE ONE who would tolerate his weirdness without questioning it.

In the beginning stages of our relationship, I NEVER questioned anything because I loved him and completely trusted him. What I did not know at the time is that he did not have the ability, or willingness, to move past this stage of the relationship and that soon he would get bored.

He groomed me and trained me up to be the perfect source of his narcissistic supply – in fact he even told others in my presence “she is in training”.

He also told me on occasion that I continued to “pass” all the tests he’d set for me. When asked what he meant, he changed the subject and said, “I just can’t fault you in any way”.

I would laugh coyly, but little did I know that he actually meant it – he was training me up and he was testing me ALL the time to see if I fitted in with his plans.

Getting his attention and love made me very happy – so in reply, being his constant source of attention, sex, affection and nurturing was absolutely no problem for me at all, and in fact was very easy for me to do naturally.

I loved him and I wanted him to be as happy as I was.

The Devaluing

So what happened after the “honeymoon” stage?

“Was it something I said?”

I saw a change in him which resulted in a change in me.

I was still his eager, willing, worthless, doting floor mat – BUT I started asking questions because things did not seem right in the relationship.

Although I DID take this very personally at the time, and thought I was doing something wrong, and it was ME that was the problem. I also felt that perhaps I had failed to do something that I should have done or said.

Was it something I said?

So I would re-hash conversations over and over again in my head. For FEAR of losing the love of my life, I used to end up apologizing for something that was NOT my fault, and that I did NOT cause or create.

In fact, often I did not even know WHY or WHAT I was apologizing for, but I did it anyway because I did not want to lose him.

Then I started to see a side of him that created so much confusion for me.

With no valid reason, he started distancing himself from me, failing to keep arrangements that we had made, he seemed distracted and would make excuses.

When I tried to establish what was going on, and told him I felt we needed to talk about things, he quickly distracted me by sidestepping the questions.  (Narcs are brilliant at dodging questions that they do not want to answer, or in fact cannot answer, on important issues that affect you).

One time after probing, he admitted that he had changed towards me, but offered no explanation or a valid reason why.

He made me feel like I was going crazy, especially when I caught him out on a lie. In fact he would often say things like, “You are insane!” or, “You are always looking for problems!” or, “If that’s the way you feel about it, let’s call it a day!” or, “You have no idea what you are talking about!” or, “Don’t you trust me?!”.

Narcs are very subtle liars – they simply omit information and say things like, “You took it out of context” or, “I never said that”.

A few more classic examples are, “You read into everything I say and hear things that are not even there” or, “The reason I never told you the truth is because you always react just like this”.

One of my best was, “But I told you”, when we BOTH know he never did!

“He made me feel like I was insane and was suffering with short term memory loss”

So yes, he made me feel like I was insane and was suffering with short term memory loss, and all this made me paranoid, distrustful of him, insecure, sad, out of control, fearful, drained, lethargic and vulnerable.

AWFUL feelings to have, especially since I was never normally like that.

He just became a LOT of hard work and was high maintenance – I felt that he was not putting any effort into the relationship and that I had to do all the hard work to keep us together.

The only thing I was 100% sure of during this devaluing stage, was that I loved him even more, (now that is insane, isn’t it?).

And so I carried on like this, even though there were so many unanswered questions and concerns I had.

Deep down I KNEW things were not right – but I could not put my finger on the exact problem though. He created smoke screens, and I so wanted to trust him.

So I kept trying to “behave” and in the process I neglected my job, never met up with friends much, refused to go out at night in case he made contact with me – my personality changed, (I became an introvert).

And worst of all, I became complacent.

It was okay to be ignored, it was okay for me to do things I would never normally do, (even sexually), it was okay for him not to call or to go out of his way for me, or it was okay for him to disappear from time to time, it was okay for him to forget my birthday.

I also made up excuses for him in my mind to make myself feel better. I lied to myself that it was not his fault or that he has so much to deal with or that he has lots of stress.

The bottom line here is that he conditioned me to accept his bad behaviour, and not to question him or show how upset it made me that he did this to me – because he was NORMAL and I was the INSANE one with unreasonable demands.

So I ended up turning a blind eye and pretty much suffered alone.

I allowed my boundaries to be bent – I allowed him to overstep the line.

He once said to me, “Why do you allow me to abuse you? Would you take this crap from anyone else?” To which I answered, “No I wouldn’t and it’s because I understand you and love you”.

I was his perfect supply.

What I found was that as long as I was submissive, made his life fun, praised him and gave him ALL the attention without expecting or demanding anything in return, things went well.

The moment I started to express my dislike of something, disagreed with him or if I expressed my own opinion that may not have coincided with his, I became a THREAT to his perfect world of control.

Jules-Cyrille Cavé [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The Break-Up – Dealing With The Aftermath

That’s when he went “cold” on me, giving me the silent treatment.

I was cut off and abandoned, (he ran away – disappeared) – which is the only way a Narc knows how to deal with this, and also his way of punishing you for non-compliance.

With a Narc, it’s all about HIM, HIS day, HIS life, HIS ambitions, what HE is doing or going to do. He feels he is entitled to constant attention without having to invest anything more into the relationship other than the initial time it took him to “suck you in”.

Why?

Because that’s what he wants, that’s what he expects.

“He was looking for unconditional love, but was totally incapable of giving it back in return”

And the worst thing is that you have to tolerate his indiscretions and his unacceptable behaviour.

Of course, this is an unrealistic game to play in the REAL world, and I started to realize that that was all it was to him – a GAME.

To add to the confusion, he would come back days or weeks or months after having disappeared telling me he loved me.

He did say, “I will always come back because I just can’t stay away from you”, but I figured out that it is NOT the kind of love NORMAL people are familiar with.

He was looking for unconditional love, but was totally incapable of giving it back in return. He wanted HIS needs met, but didn’t give a damn about what I needed. He loved the way I made him feel and he loved the way he made me feel – desperate and needy and stupid because that puts him in CONTROL.

So you may be asking: “Are you telling me he never loved you and never had any real feelings for you?”

Yes, of course he had real feelings for me, but they sure as hell were NOT love.

After my research on Narcissists, I learned that they only love to the extent that they are ABLE to love.

I say this because love does not USE people, love does not ABUSE people, love does not DEVALUE people and love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like rubbish.

I, (the dumpee), was devastated and emotionally I had been reduced to a mere “zombie” of my former self.

I immediately started researching everything and anything on “relationships”, “men who just disappear”, “booty calls”, “will he come back to me”, “no contact”, “how long would I have to wait”, “what must I do”, etc.

Every day I learned something new – but the articles, although very valuable and informative, just didn’t quite fit his profile and/or our situation in its entirety.

Click here to read part two: My Life With A Narcissist – What I’ve Learned

157 Responses to My Life With A Narcissist – Part 1 – Is Your Ex One?

  1. Gabrielle June 30, 2015 at 4:50 pm #

    Holy crap – his name wasn’t ‘Jack’, was it?

    You described my ex to a ‘t’. You described my reactions to a ‘t’. In fact, you described everything perfectly.

    I did truly feel like I was going insane at one point – and he was (subtly and manipulatively, of course) quite happy to let me to think so.

    What I find interesting – in hindsight – is that he actually and honestly believes that there’s nothing at all wrong with him – that it’s the rest of the world that’s at fault…and he’ll quite happily tell you that without a moment’s hesitation.

    I wonder if all narcissists have high IQ’s with zero EO’s and are addicted to playing online D&D games?

    That would be an interesting study in itself….

    • Jordan August 8, 2015 at 8:51 pm #

      The online stuff is I’m guessing like my ex Gabrielle, that they need that extra supply from people, my ex is attractive girl in the video game world she had other men begging to leave their wives for her and her manipulation games, it’s sad.

      • T September 12, 2016 at 6:45 pm #

        Thats how I feel too. This described my ex perfectly. Even his exact words when he lied. And my reactions.

    • Dea November 23, 2016 at 10:16 pm #

      Wow. This was an eye opener for me!

      I was with someone for 11 years – since I was a senior in high school actually. In the beginning our relationship was insane – passionate, fun, adventurous…I was head over heels in love with him. He would send me flowers on a whim, write me love notes, etc.

      Rewind 5 years later, when we actually started living together and the honeymoon stage ended. The once social butterfly in me started to die. My friends were only friends that I met through him and I started to care more about him than myself. Our fights would get intense; screaming matches, name-calling, etc. I kept thinking I was the one at fault, and boy did he let me know that. Everytime he would call me a name and make me feel terrible about myself, his excuse would be “I was drunk” or “you drove me to say those things.”

      Our relationship over the last few years have been challenging. We have had many ups and downs – I was diagnosed with depression, and, although he was there for me, he likes to remind me of that terrible time in my life all the time. He stopped calling me while he was away at work, stopped treating me like I was a priority, and everytime I wanted to hang out, he always had an excuse. New Years, birthdays, Valentine’s Day….he would normally choose to hang out with friends on these holidays and ignore me on these special days. Whenever we would get ready or go out on a date night, he would never say I looked beautiful or give me compliments – it was always about how he liked. Still, I continued to love him and would go out of my way to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. I started to eat for comfort – something I never understood or thought I would resort to. I gained about 75 lbs in a few years. He would then call me “fat ass” when we got into fights and told me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.

      11 years into our relationship, it was he who decided to end things. I was absolutely devastated – and still am to this day (over 6 months after we ended things). He said he wanted to remain friends with me, but has instead been a total ass. I lost everything – my house, my income, my friends, the love of my life – and he doesn’t care. Of course this is my own fault too – and by no means do I blame him for everything. When we do talk, he tells me that everything is my fault and that our break up was 100% caused by my actions. If I would have just done this better or that better, things would not have ended up this way is what he always says. He still acts like he is perfect and has never done anything wrong. Everyone noticed how he treated me during our relationship, but no one would ever say anything to him because he would literally have a freak out.

      The reason I wanted to share my story is because for the longest time – and still to this day – am not able to figure him out. The word “narcissist” was a word that I knew very little about. I did some research into this and truly believe that he has this disorder. The story you shared and your own personal experiences are so relatible it’s scary!

      The problem with narcissists is that they are usually very charming, outgoing people. There is something about them that you are drawn to. And that is why I think it is so hard for me to let go. Still to this day, I let him suck me into believing that all our fights and our breakups were my fault. Deep down I know he has some self-esteem and self-confidence issues, but bringing that up to him would be the worst thing to do. He does not take criticism well.

      Why do I let this man control me? Why do I think about him 24/7 and continue to allow him to treat me like he does? Is this normal?

  2. Alicia July 27, 2015 at 3:35 pm #

    My narcissist was a very close friend. I trusted him from the word go.. and although i knew that he had been unfaithful to both his ex wifes i believed as he had me believe that it was their fault.. He was everything that i ever wanted.. everything i dreamed off. I got gifts delivered at my work practically on a weekly basis as well as flowers i was showered with all these gifts and all this time i told him that he was trying to appease me with expensive gifts when all i wanted was his time and his love. I also did things that i would never ordinarily do but with him it seemed so natural… I just wanted to please him which is so ironic because usually I am a strong willed person. Having gone through 2 failed relationships and being single mother to 3 I thought that this was a dream come true. Finally someone who would take care of me as well and not take my love for granted. I was so wrong.. He started making me feel that i was going crazy and imagining things and even told me that i was behaving like a four year old.. I thought it was all my fault that I had ruined this perfect relationship with my neediness and actually apologized and asked for his forgiveness.. time after time after time… I had a bit of a breakdown and am on anti depressants at the moment and he just continues with his life as if i never existed. Lol I was also told the bit about the honey moon period being over and as such I need to get over it. Where is the fairness in that!!! I feel like such a failure.. why do I always attract the wrong men.. all that time, energy and love wasted.. I am doing fine I think and for some strange reason I don’t hate him.. I just don’t get what satisfaction anyone could possibly get out of building someone up and then breaking them down piece by piece. And it is exactly this thought that plagues me.. I just keep thinking about it all the time.. trying to find some kind explanation when I know that there probably is none.

  3. Jordan August 8, 2015 at 8:48 pm #

    This is my ex, no matter how many times she would leave or cheat it was some how my fault, lack of empathy is the dead give away for narcissistic personality disorder. She does not even have it for her own children and openly says her happiness is more important than what the kids want. She has ruined my kids and my life’s and does not even blink.

  4. Jackie September 21, 2015 at 5:05 pm #

    I am laying here in bed reading this article with pure sadness in my heart. I just got abandoned by the man I love who is a an extreme narcissist. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. 3 weeks I’ve cried everyday. I can’t eat or sleep well. I’ve denied myself my own pleasure and find smiling difficult. He was so confusing and hurtful towards the end but so wonderful and irresistible in the beginnings. I fell so much in love and I am falling so far down. I’m devastatingly broken hearted. J

  5. ucuredme November 9, 2015 at 12:22 am #

    tomorrow will be six months since my breakup with my bimbo. since she ended it without closure (suddenly), i’ve been grappling with breaking no contact and making a last ditch effort for the face to face. well guess what folks…it’ ain’t gonna happen. i simply just couldn’t connect the dots until i was able to identify with 15 of marce’s narc characteristics (see part 2). please pass the eggscraper. my thanks go out to marce and eddie. the both of you were spot on. you just saved me a great amount of future grief and heartache! i’m gonna sleep like a baby tonight!! finally….peace of mind !! how sweet it is !!

    • Marce November 11, 2015 at 9:52 am #

      Hi Ucuredme

      I tried so hard to hold on to this relationship, but there came a time when I decided it was time to let it go – sometimes the best way to be happy is to learn to let go of things you try so hard to hold onto that are no longer good for you (and in fact, were never good for you)…sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you don’t care or don’t love them, but because they don’t care about or love you.

      To add a little to my story based on my research on Narcs, I needed to walk away, quickly and silently. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I had to do it for me and my heart. I was hurt so badly, not once, not twice, not three times…..but far too many times to even count…..and in the process the Narc killed my trust, changed me as a person and slowly and deliberately chipped away at my love for him.

      I had to force myself to stop fantasizing that it would change, and I eventually realized that it would never change because the Narc saw no need to change and saw no wrong in what he was doing to me.
      I had to stop giving him chances over and over again, chances to someone who abused my forgiveness time and time again……someone who would come in and out of my life at whim and whenever he felt like it, who never offered a valid explanation for his disappearance nor offered a sincere and genuine apology for hurting me….he would just reappear and carry on where we left off, and so nothing was ever resolved and just caused greater confusion and hurt for me.

      My advice to you, learn to stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from.
      Stop trusting her words alone and ignoring her actions….focus on and pay attention to her actions regardless of what she says. What I’m trying to say is that no matter how many times your Narc says/said she loves you, her actions just didn’t show that love; because her love is not unconditional and because she is unable to love like a ‘normal’ person.

      Stop giving your ALL to someone who gives you very little in return.
      Stop fighting for a relationship with her, when you are the only one standing in the ring. Stop breaking your own heart.
      The more chances you give them, the less the Narc respects you…..
      If you stay, you are only fooling yourself.

      I had to be smart enough to know when “enough is enough”.
      Not everything is meant to be a “forever” kind of thing; and I had to accept that and be honest with myself, even when it hurt so badly.

      Choosing to walk away from your Narc is the ONLY choice you have ….cutting her out of your life does not mean you HATE her, if just means you love and respect yourself more, that’s all.

      My Narc was way too inconsistent for me – blowing hot then cold without valid reason; flitting in and out of my life; treating me like a queen and then like trash; disregarding my feelings; and so on; and quite frankly I could not tolerate this any longer.
      I do not like the way his actions made me feel.
      I have now come to realize that Narcs will never be happy, because they are not happy with themselves and do not know how to love themselves. You can only truly love other people by first and foremost loving yourself.

      I hate to say this, but I find these disappearing acts the most low-class, disrespectful move a person can pull on anyone, let alone someone they supposedly love….

      If being in love with someone means being in pain most of the time, then I really don’t want to be in love with that person anymore.

      I know when my Narc started pulling away, went cold on me and abandoned me and disappeared without valid reason, it was because he was out there trying to meet other women or had already met another woman….then when those relationships became hard work or when the new girl didn’t buy into his game or when they didn’t pan out as he wanted, then he would come back to good old me for that boost of self-esteem.
      I would accept him back with open arms again, and then the whole process would start over…and so this goes around and around, never ceasing.

      Narcs are selfish. They have a sense of entitlement. They are control freaks.

      You deserve someone in your life without any doubts – trust is essential….
      CAN YOU TRUST YOUR NARC NOT TO HURT YOU AGAIN?

      Be strong…..look after yourself!

      Marce

  6. Chelsea December 3, 2015 at 5:18 am #

    Wow you just wrote my entire life. I just got out of life with a complete narcissist… Everything you wrote was the exact case. The hurt and devastation left behind for me to pick back up… Alone no less, I’m not getting any explanations from him… Has been a struggle. I didn’t even know what was going on until I found one little thread and it all unraveled… His cheating, the levels of his lies, and then the abandonment like I was a piece of trash (despite us having a whole life built together). Can someone please tell me it gets easier and less painful? Can I really move on from this?

    • Jordan December 3, 2015 at 2:13 pm #

      It does, time and distance from the narc. Find a hobby, don’t worry about the next relationship till you feel ready. It’s what helped me, hope this helps. Good luck to you all.

  7. Dianne December 3, 2015 at 8:28 pm #

    It is all very well to say , ” expose a narcissist”, all good to write your story, all good that people read it and think, ” that was me”. But it does not expose them, They go on and do it over and over again because no one names them. Its not revenge to name and shame them, its a healing process, it saves lives and with a bit of luck will make people think, will make people be less trusting of them. If you stick to the facts, tell the truth and can back it up with proof, then name them for the world to see who and what they really are.

  8. Heartbroken December 4, 2015 at 6:18 am #

    It never occurred to me my ex is a narcissist. Is he? Or was I just a rebound for his own broken heart? Here’s my story:

    We met in Oct 2013 by chance at a bar. I wasn’t looking…I was in an on and off relationship of 7+ years, at the time in an “off” period.

    He was charming and chased me. I found out by mistake (he let it slip) that he had just broken up with his GF of 4 years less than 2 weeks before we met. He had moved out of the GF’s house and in with his mom. He lied about this (I later realized). He said he was living with friends, so he always came to my place, but really he was living with his mother. I chalked up the lie to pride…he didn’t want to admit living with mom to a new girl.

    I fell hopelessly in love…he consumed my every thought. But it was always weird, he would never express affection or talk about feelings. He just gave an “I really like you” vibe. But he was always guarded about it, careful never to get too close to me. We rarely talked on the phone, it was always texting. There was nothing romantic or affectionate about him–we were more “pals” and the sex was amazing

    Three months in, I got courage to ask the “what are we” question. He said he couldn’t give me commitment. I asked him to leave, but the NC never lasted. He would text, I would cave and respond, we’d have sex, and it would all start again.

    The confusing part? He was either really interested in spending time with me (even introduced me to his whole family) but NOT interested in sex during those times…then he would get distant and there was no “quality time” but a whole lot of sex.

    It’s like he couldn’t do both at the same time–be physically AND emotionally close to me. I could feel his feelings for me, but he never expressed them. EVER. I would tell him I wasn’t a booty call, tell him my feelings, tell him I needed more, ask him why he was so hot-and-cold with me…but he would never respond. He’d either ignore me for days or weeks, or he’d respond as if I never just said what I said (it was always texting, he simply would not have a verbal conversation with me about anything “important.”)

    This went on for 2 years. I would’ve done anything for him and started doing things I don’t normally do. It was confusing as I never knew where we stood…I’d ask but he would never answer. He would send a million mixed messages. One week I got all kinds of his attention, then suddenly he didn’t have time.

    Recently, things heated up more than they ever had. Suddenly we were inseparable and he was paying attention, acting like he actually wanted to be with me in a relationship. I was ecstatic! He invited me to his best friend’s wedding where he was best man. I saw this as a HUGE step! He was finally acknowledging me! We met friends one weekend at a campground and when someone asked if I was his GF, he said, “Yea, kinda.” This was the closest he’d ever come to commitment or expressing a desire to be committed to me.

    Those few weeks were amazing–he really wanted to be with me! Emotionally, that was. Sex just stopped COLD. Nothing for 2 months; he just wasn’t interested. But he wanted to spend time with me, so I accepted no sex just to get his attention and time.This was also very confusing, because without going into TMI…when were being sexual, he was REALLY into it. Then when he didn’t want sex, he REALLY didn’t want it and made this very clear.

    Then I had a major blow in my life–I was laid off from my job of 15 years. He texted back something like “damn, I’m sorry,” and that was about all I got. I desperately wanted to talk to him…see him…hear his words of encouragement and support. Nothing. Honestly, it’s been that way for 2 years. He never asked about me, my life, my interests, my goals in life, etc. But he did talk a lot about himself.

    It’s just so confusing because he is NOT a vain or self-centered person. He’s very humble, lives simply, pays his bills, close to his family, shows kindness and compassion. But with me? It’s like there was a wall up I was never getting past.

    After the news about my job and no support from him, I again tried having the talk…it was a fail. It always had to be on a text message, he would never talk in person. Then I finally said I loved him–texted it, as pathetic as that is. He never even acknowledged it. I told him that it messed me up to hear from him–that i needed to move on if he couldn’t commit. I told him I wouldn’t be his booty call anymore.

    And the next morning? He “sexts” as if he never heard any of my heart-wrenching words. I told him I was hurting and that he was playing with my emotions. He would never acknowledge any of it, just come back a week or two later with more sexual texting. (Because now we weren’t “spending time” together as “couple,” so now he wanted me physically again.)

    I do not contact him, but I still have a hard time not responding to his texts. I don’t know if he is just a selfish narcissist or someone who is still hurting from his own heartbreak. I know that he loved his ex…he told me so. But he never said those words to me. EVER.

    So what do others think? Narcissist? Or jerk who used me as a rebound while he mends his broken heart?

  9. HDubs December 4, 2015 at 12:34 pm #

    Thank you for writing this, it describes my experience as nearly as I have ever seen. Narc announced he was done with our 13 years of marriage on the first day of our Christmas vacation last year, but would still fly with the kids and I to see my family for the holidays just to “make it easier on me”. No explanation, no wanting to try counseling or anything. He moved out the day we got back. I stumbled upon his long term betrayal and affair on New Years Eve. One hellish year later were still locked in battle.

  10. monika December 5, 2015 at 12:23 pm #

    Quick question.
    How do you deal with everything when there is severe abuse involved?
    I had to go stay because my ex threatened to harm familymembers, my 60 days of no contact involved me still living with him getting abused. And no there where no ways out.
    He wanted to keep me as he saw me change back to myself, I threw him out of my life entirely but there is nothing making me heal faster as today.
    Still have to meet him at court, deal with him and his lies about me and what I am according to him.

  11. Allie December 6, 2015 at 4:43 am #

    This is very similar to my story. So to start off I’d been having trouble with with my then bf for a very long time, he would constantly lie to me (I’d ask him things and I would already know the truth but he would look me in the eyes and lie) putting his mates first always, he would disappear whilst working away and I’d have to track him down through his work colleagues a day later eventually and he would still be drunk the next day surrounded by laughing girls and whenever he would go out when in home town he would Never ever return home till the next night and disappear off the face of the earth, no phone call no nothing just as if he was single & then make excuses for his behaviour by blaming me for something ridiculous and acting as if his behaviour is acceptable. This type of behaviour went on for over a year and a half with me keep putting up with his excuses and him ensuring me he’s going to change. I ended up leaving him in Mid last year as I was over giving him chances and him not treating me with respect & I also caught him on Paid sex sites. This he denied and still to this day claims that it wasn’t him. After a week i moved back into the house on the conditions that he was going to not continue with what he was doing (staying out all night general disrespect etc). After I moved back in he was only good for a few months and he was back to his old ways, shutting me out & disappearing again so I’d had enough it was either I drown and stay in the relationship with someone who doesn’t value me or I’d have to pull myself together and get out. 2x days after we broke up he was already sleeping with random girls whilst claiming he still loved me. anyway A year after the split he had now come back claiming that he was depressed and something has happened to make him change and he wants to start over again! So after over a year of him running around & being single he is now asking me to take him back stating he would go to counselling and has changed his disrespectful ways. My question is this is normal for a narc to run back after they’ve had their fun claiming they are a changed person? I should also mention after I moved out of our house he out girls in the house (for rent money) and he is now currently living there with just 1 of them; he claims nothing is going on but I think that’s just another lie. Pitty she doesn’t know he’s trying to get me back behind her back…

  12. Kate January 10, 2016 at 1:37 pm #

    Hey guys. I was in a relationship with what I believe to be a sociopath/narcissist.
    I’ve logged a diary of events for myself to try and make sense of what happened.
    Here’s what happened after I left him and 5 weeks apart.He was abusive emotionally throughout our relationship, but now that I’ve cut contact 100% I’ve seen things clearly.

    He was getting in touch, asking where I am etc.
    2 days before xmas he showed up. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults.
    The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc.
    I said you have 10 mins to say what you need to and then please leave and that I didn’t want him in the house. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Telling me how disrespectful I am, that he doesn’t care etc. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. I told him please leave as your scaring me and I’ll call the police. He said “do you think me spending time in prison will change anything as i still come out alive”.
    He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying.
    Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police.
    He was saying “Kate look how pathetic you are walking around shaking while I’m sitting here so calm” it shows how pathetic you are.
    Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems.
    He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. The said he didn’t spit on me. Telling me he never liked me and didn’t give a . He was apologising and we were intimate because I felt intimidated.
    He would not leave the house and didn’t untill the next day.
    Last week i send him a message regarding something, he said I was harassing him (I didn’t) and that if i don’t stop calling he would call the police and that he’d turn up to my workplace and I won’t be happy. Tried to call me many times and I wouldn’t pick up….Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems (used this tactic before when he didn’t get his own way) He then blocked me and I blocked him everywhere and have been NC nearly 2 and a half weeks.

    This is what he did.

    Block me off his phone for anything up to an hour to a week if I said something he didn’t like. Giving me the silent treatment.

    Make me think I was crazy i.e spitting on me then saying he didn’t (he used this tactic before to make me think I was mad) aka gaslighting

    Called me mentally insane. I found out at the end of the relationship he had a caution for assault on his ex.

    He was telling me to kill myself or set myself and fire (then said it was a joke) when i “spoke back” Id be called mad.

    If he shouted at me on the phone and I hung up, I’d get sent messages like “you hang up again and you’ll never see me”

    Once he lost his wallet while buying me a pressie. I got an abusive message saying “you stupid bitch, you made me loose my wallet as I was looking for a pressie, it’s your fault”

    When I tried to call off the realationship, Id get random messages saying “I have a new gf (false) or why are friends calling me? Or “oh I’ve called the wrong number”

    If Id respond to a message from him id be told “get lost” and go and die.

    He asked me to leave him, yet when I did he’d be back in a day:

    His fav things to say to me were “move on, get lost, go die, your pathetic” never contact me again….. When I did not contact him and try and progress he would message as if nothing had happened.

    Is this classic narc behaviour or sociopath behaviour?
    I’m in therapy now and am 99% healed.

  13. Stephanie March 16, 2016 at 3:48 am #

    The article mirrors the last six and a half years of my life. Today I left the love of my life or so I thought. I an emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I don’t know who I an anymore and I have no self worth left. He took it all and there is nothing left inside of me. I will never trust again. Help

    • Eddie Corbano March 16, 2016 at 9:13 am #

      Hi Stephanie, I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through. Know that you are not alone, please read through the comments of so many who suffered the same.

      The most important thing for you know is to get out and start No-Contact.

    • Marce March 16, 2016 at 3:14 pm #

      Hi Stephanie

      I can totally relate to everything you are feeling right now.
      As Eddie said, NO CONTACT is essential in trying to get YOURSELF back.
      It will not be easy, I know, and if you do break NC (I did), it just makes things far worse because you will never ever be able to change who he really is.
      And who he really is, is NOT the person you thought he was.

      We are here to support you and give you the strength and determination that you are going to need to get through this….and you will get through this eventually…

      Keep reading, researching, find support groups of people who TRULY UNDERSTAND what you have gone through, because it has happened to us too. You will be so confused and hurt right now, I know, but it will pass once you know what he is all about.
      You won’t believe how many narcissists/sociopaths there are out there doing exactly what our ex’s have done to us…..

      If you are on Facebook, there are wonderful groups as well…..read their stories, read the signs, read about the solutions, etc. Just search the word “Narcissists”, you will encounter a few groups.

      Just stay away from him (the ex) and use this time to HEAL.

      Feel free to post on here – get advice from Eddie (he is wonderful) and of course I am here too because this topic (narcissism) is now my passion and as a result my healing too.

      Hugs for you xxx

    • mag November 15, 2016 at 12:53 am #

      I understand…same here 🙁 26yrs married

  14. Sophie April 7, 2016 at 8:37 pm #

    Wow – i was with my ex for just over a year and this has just summed up my entire relationship and how I felt. Difference was he used to physically abuse me and then blame me. He used to tell me and his friends it was my fault these things happened. Everyone else thought he was great and a lovely guy. Only i knew better.
    He has recently left me and moved out and cut off all contact. He has done this before and always comes back.
    Sometimes reading things like this just reminds you that you’re not alone. It certainly makes me feel stronger anyway so thank you 🙂

  15. Sabrina May 3, 2016 at 7:36 pm #

    I am finally making sense of this crazy rollercoaster pseudo relationship I had with someone I now am 100% sure was a malignant narcissist. It started off with him saying I love you from the very first night. Months went by without any real commitment on his end – he claimed he did not want a relationship and yet he kept reeling me in, closer and closer. Would say things like “I’ve never met anyone like you,” “you are so different from all the others,” “sex with you is nothing I have ever experienced before,” “you are amazing.” Then at some point when I threatened to leave and he decided to be exclusive so as not to lose me, the problems began and the mask started to slip off.

    The more I expressed my needs (need for more contact, need to see him more, etc.), the more he began to find faults in me and to distance himself. 3-4 days would go by without him contacting me. I would initiate each time to get his attention. God forbid I complained about his lack of initiative or communication, he would reply “I am in my own world, I have a life, I don’t even contact my own mother, it’s just who I am….” And I began to buy it, to make excuses for him, to try to accommodate him. Each time we would get together it seemed magical in the moment as we had very intense intellectual conversations (always his doing — he wanted to operate and think on an elevated level rather than be conventional as he called it), very intense sex (usually very primitive as opposed to emotional). And I took it all. Then Sunday would roll around and he would jump out of bed, and say I have work to do which would be my hint to get moving. Always on his timetable, his terms, his needs. I was too afraid by that point to argue. The few times I did, it was disastrous, resulting in days of silent treatment, or when he would drink — rage. During the moments of drunken rage he would call me every name in the book “you have no empathy, you are selfish, you are crazy, you are a coward, I don’t want you….” And then the next morning, he would hug me, shed crocodile tears and apologize. I was hooked. Stockholm syndrome. I lived for the few moments of bliss, sex, and validation.

    Into the second year of our relationship, things began getting worse. More distance, more fights initiated by him, more name calling. I also noticed him becoming more attention seeking on social media, flirting with long time “female friends,” always hiding his phone. I knew he was not sleeping with anyone else, but he was definitely getting off on all of the attention. And I felt like nothing I ever did, no accomplishment of mine, nothing was ever good enough for him. The minute I would leave his presence, he would be on facebook or other social media trying to get someone’s attention. Once I confronted him on this fact, the fact that he was always seeking attention online, he said “I have tons of friends, unlike you, and I won’t let you make my world smaller.”

    Things got even worse when I started expressing my long term needs — the fact that I wanted to live with my partner, the fact that I wanted to have kids one day, the fact that I wanted more stability. He would dismiss all this and say to me “you know I love my freedom, what would you want me to do –live with you and be like the man who comes home and swings his jacket on a chair and watches tv?” He would start putting me down more by saying “you don’t inspire me, I need a woman who can push me to be greater and who is fearless” and “why don’t you go get a life.” He would also start putting all my friends down by saying “your friends are stupid, you need to try to make new friends who challenge you.” And then the push pull till the day he broke up with me a month ago.

    He didn’t even have the decency to let me know that he was thinking about breaking up. For the last 2 months, he would go from spending quality time with me (even inviting me out to his events and with his friends), only to turn around the very next week and disappear (no comments/likes on my online posts like he used to, no texts, nothing). I later found out that he had been trying to gather the courage and find the right time to break up with me. Again on his terms — doing it at a time that he was traveling more for work, planning on going part-time and freelancing more. When it was clearly convenient for him, when he did not need me as much anymore. I came to find out that he had been networking with people for freelance positions behind my back, and plotting his exodus without giving me any details in the process. He was distancing himself so that he could get over me while still having the pleasure of my company from time to time. TIll the breakup — he did on a night I had planned this great dinner for us at my place, the night before his impromptu work trip out of town. Clean exit….

    And since then, a few texts here and there to see how I am feeling (to relieve his guilt), and one meetup where he was trying to find out if I was missing him (clearly for his ego). For the past 2 weeks, I have not heard one word from him. Then I come to find from looking at his instagram page that he has been at Burning Man partying it up with one of his “female” friends he tried so hard during the course fo our relationship to convince me was just a friend. Which may very well be the case, but the fact that he is openly posting all these photos for all to see (including me)…. just absolutely devastating for me. How easily he moved on. How he went from putting me on a pedestal, to discarding me, to moving on with more socially successful friends and a more exciting life.

    Now I’m left with the remnants of his abuse, the despair, the anger…. and I have to somehow make peace with all of this and with my shattered self esteem. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Do you think this is a case of narcissistic abuse? What steps can I take to get over this knowing that there will never be any type of closure or action on his part to make me feel better after the fact?

    • Marce May 5, 2016 at 2:11 pm #

      Hi Sabrina

      I’m so sorry that you too had to go through this…..there are soooo many of us in the same situation.

      I have no doubt in my mind that this IS a case of narcissistic abuse….in fact, I believe it’s a close to perfect example.

      There is life after narcissistic abuse…that’s the good news, but it will be difficult and trying on your soul. Why difficult? Because we believed in them and we believed that the relationship was real, we invested our heart and soul and mind and body into it completely but in the end, we paid a huge price for this ‘love’. What you must always remember is this ‘love’ was one sided, it came solely from you…..caring, giving, empathy, loving, etc. which are very NORMAL things people offer each other in a REAL relationship, but offering these very normal things to an ABNORMAL person (your narc) in the hopes of them returning these feelings, is like throwing fuel on a fire hoping to extinguish it!

      Narcs do NOT love, they do NOT bond emotionally, they are NOT wired to care for other people….what they do is PRETEND to have the ability to ‘feel’ all these things because that’s the only way they can rope you into their world. The charm and love they show intermittendly throughout the relationship is all superficial as a means to an end. So that they can get what they want from you whether it be sex, money or just plain narcissistic supply to make them feel better about themselves.

      They will use you up completely, deliberately, intentionally and destroy you in the process.
      And THEY CAN NEVER CHANGE….they are made that way.

      They are compulsive liars and they do it with astonishing ease! They will lie to impress you, to control you, to manipulate you, to save face, to get their own way, to make people like them and to convince themselves and everyone around them that they are wonderful.

      A relationship with a Narc is impossible! You will always feel vulnerable, insecure, worthless and like you are walking on egg shells. You will be silenced and punished, having to constantly explain yourself….
      What is it that you are doing wrong??? NOTHING!!!

      You hope every single day that he will come to his senses, that he will call or text to say how sorry he is and that he loves and misses you and wants you back….blah, blah, blah….
      All this amounts to is the whole cycle starting over again; but there is no and NEVER will be any resolution or true remorse from his side. And you will never get the closure you seek!!

      The havoc a Narc creates is surreal….they will only be nice to you for as long as they have a need for you….this is NOT true and unconditional love!

      Let him go and shut the door behind him for good….run, run, run!!!. No contact at all in any form. This is the first step to healing. He is dangerous to your overall well-being!

      You were seduced into this abusive relationship and manipulated into a role of fraud and deceit….not because you’re stupid or naïve, but because he is a con-artist with an agenda!

      Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narc that is alive and living inside of us. Great efforts are required to achieve this.
      First is physical separation (no contact) then next is to work on your emotional and psychological separation…which is the very hard part.

      This requires establishing a new reality that puts all of your old beliefs of this relationship to rest forever. Get your feet back on the ground and get your bearings back again. Become a survivor, not a victim. Keep reading websites, blogs, books, etc. on this disorder, and educate yourself. Whenever you’re feeling low…read, read, read…..it truly helps to clear your mind and you will also see and read about other people’s experiences with Narcs….all of which will help you to heal too.

      Your survival is based on becoming healthy first and you rebuild from there. Take each and every day as part of your freedom and you will move on little by little until you reach a time when you gain strength of character again to completely distance yourself from this individual and the relationship…..and the hurting will subside.

      You have something the Narc will NEVER have… a heart, a soul, a spirit and a healthy mind…you are REAL, you are amazing, you are resilient and you CAN do this!! You CAN fix you !!

      Marce xx

  16. Sabrina May 5, 2016 at 10:20 pm #

    Marce,

    Thank you for this response. I know logically that I must turn my back completely to this narcissistic ex. The hardest part is dealing with the emptiness and dust he left behind. The deafening silence now is hard to deal with — so although I no longer get frequent urges to call or ask to see him, I still check his social media (facebook, twitter & Instagram). I know I must stop checking for my own sanity. As usual, he keeps posting things to attract everyone’s attention (always posts to make himself, his work, his circle of friends look better or more interesting — to maximize the likes and comments that others leave on his page). It makes me so very sick to see how much narcissistic supply is available to him. How all of his friends and colleagues do not see what I saw and experienced. No one else sees his dark side it seems.

    I know I need to stop checking. It’s just so hard to deal with the silence and absence after 2 years of all this. Crazy, right?! That we almost miss the drama. As if it brought meaning or excitement to our lives. Sometimes I don’t even recognize who I have become after being in that relationship. I let go of my old carefree self, some friendships, activities, etc. All because I felt whatever I did or who I was was somehow not good enough for him. I started doing and being whatever I thought would make him think highly of me. And still he found reason to tell me I could do better, accomplish more, make new friends, etc.

    So now, after all is said and done, it is still quite difficult to come to terms with the fact that he is not making any effort whatsoever to be in my life. Even his wish to remain friends (as he used to say, I can’t lose you completely), means nothing now. Clearly, I do not even matter enough for that. During his many threats to walk out on me in the past, I did tell him that “it’s all or nothing.” Either we are in a relationship or I could not tolerate to remain just friends like all the other string of exes he had collected over the years. He took it as a threat and said that because of it, he had to process the breakup months before he actually pulled the plug, and come to terms with the fact that he would never see me again. Can you believe this?! He actually mentally prepared for this months before he broke up with me.

    But I did mean what I said. It wasn’t intended as a threat but rather as a survival mechanism on my part. I wanted him to understand that I truly loved him and could not imagine just being friends with a person I gave so much to and felt so much for in a romantic way.

    I still mean it deep down, and I know that it is probably in my best interest to sever all ties. It’s just so very hard though coming to terms with the fact that I must not have mattered to him all that much if he could so easily lead this new life and pretend like I do not exist.

    How does one deal with the feeling of being erased — that he just does not care whether I am in his life as evidenced by his silence now?! That is the hardest thing to make peace with. I guess I must keep repeating to myself that this is a special case of a man who is very sick and will never acknowledge that there is something missing in him. I keep hearing his last words “There is nothing wrong with me…I want my freedom… I’d rather be alone….I have tons of friends I can have a meaningful connection with…I don’t need a romantic relationship…maybe one day if I find the perfect person — someone who will inspire me, someone who will have her own life, someone….” I can’t believe I allowed him to say all that to me. Even his final words were meant to diminish me and to elevate himself. Meanwhile I was the more educated one, the one with the nicer apartment, the one who was already established here in NY. Interesting how he made me feel less than half a person and I could never feel proud of any of my accomplishments. Then he had the nerve to tell me as he was breaking up with me that I have low self esteem, and if only I could see how great I was, I could accomplish so much more (double low blow).

    And then his final text completely contradictory — “there’s nothing wrong with you, I just needed to assuage my guilt by saying all those harsh things…it’s not that I did not love, it’s that my fear of losing my freedom would conflict with that love thereby not allowing it to grow”

    You see…how could one not go crazy with all of these contradictions. How could I trust anything that ever came out of his mouth. How do I even begin to relearn to trust anything or anyone?

    Any tips on how to work on repairing my self esteem and trusting again would be greatly appreciated. Also, any other tips as to how to wean myself off of the need to check his social media (is this natural after such a breakup — to want to check? It’s such a morbid curiosity. I know it’s harmful, but I keep doing it).

    • Marce May 6, 2016 at 3:05 pm #

      Sabrina

      Obviously the best thing with regards to continuously looking at his profile on social media will hinder your rehab and healing and your moving on. However, we ALL do/did the same thing…..it becomes obsessive and that in itself is not healthy. As we open our eyes in the morning we check his FB page or Whatsapp or Skype or whatever, and he KNOWS you are doing this – trust me. So he posts things that will upset you.

      So use this to your advantage (until you reach a point where you are able to block him from everywhere, not to punish him, but to be done with his demons for your own good and forever…..Narcs hate that btw….being blocked or ignored or made to feel insignificant, etc.) …..
      So as I said, in the meantime use this to your advantage because he is doing exactly the same thing…..he looks at your profile so he can monitor your life as well.
      Only post good things about yourself….pretty pics, laughing, out with friends, places you visit, etc. – be genuine here, don’t play games like he is doing….all these niceties with FB posts or Instagram, etc. must be authentic and real. He doesn’t want you to be happy, he wants you to mourn for him….and even if you are mourning for him, never ever let him know or feel that you are.

      I often look back on my experience with my Narc, and I now know he came into my life for a reason. He made me tougher, he made me wary of others, he taught me what to look for in other people (the warnings signals, the red herrings and the signs). He, without even knowing it, educated me to “look out” for other Narcs that lurk and look for prey in this world, and there are thousands of them. So in terms of trusting again, and knowing what you know now, don’t ignore the signs. Your gut feel and built in instinct is seldom wrong, listen to it and take the appropriate action BEFORE it’s too late and you’ve fallen for the person.
      One day, you will find the right person who will restore your trust in men again….just be patient and smart!

      Then do things differently or things that you’ve never done before e.g. take an art class, join a book cub, change your routine, get fit (gym/dance class/walking/cycling)…..be the BEST possible version of YOU!! Colour your hair, go for facials or manis/pedis regularly, eat well and healthly, buy some trendy clothes, get a piercing lol, go out with friends and INSIST that the are not to mention his name or discuss this ‘ex’ relationship with you, set your own boundaries and goals and create a bucket list for life (I mean like write them down on a piece of paper and look at it every single day)….this will give you focus, this will give you goals, this will give you distraction…..all of which will REPAIR and RE-BUILD your self esteem.

      Eventually, in time, your personal life will change. You won’t be the same person you were when you were dating him…..you’ll be a new stronger YOU….you will look and feel confident and gorgeous and independent, qualities that ‘good’ men gravitate to.
      PLEASE TRUST ME ON THIS, IT WORKS long term!!

      It will not happen overnight. It takes courage, commitment, focus, determination and a strong will. You want to heal right? You want to find the love of your life who will adore you right? You want to stop hurting inside right? You want to get this piece of crap (your Narc) out of your system for good right? (pardon the language, but they make me soooo angry when I think of how they try to destroy good human beings)
      YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE LOTS OF BAD DAYS, YOU ARE GOING TO REGRESS SOMETIMES, YOU ARE GOING TO CRY AND BE DEPRESSED….ALL NORMAL BTW!!
      But when you have those days, just get through them as best you can, don’t contact him because tomorrow you will wake up and resume your goals!! The bad days will progressively get less frequent….and one day you will wake up and not even think about him!! That will be the first day of the rest of your life …. YAY!!! 🙂

      Like NIKE says : “JUST DO IT!!” – great slogan this. 🙂

      Finally, believe me, he is not happy and having a fun loving life as he portrays on social media. He wants you to believe he is, and his ploy is working!!
      He will never change. What he did to you, he will do to all the women he dates (and all other people) going forward….because THAT IS WHO HE IS. He exploits, bleeds inside, uses people, sucks them in, devalues them, discards them and then moves on to his next victim.

      He has lots of women on the sidelines, all of whom give him some form of supply. In fact they are all at different stages of the LIFE you experienced with him.
      They have to still go through what you have been through….and my heart goes out to them.

      Be thankful that you’re out of this nightmare.

      They are sick. They have a mental illness. They don’t seek help because they honestly believe there is nothing wrong with them. So there is no cure…..nothing you do or say will change them. They are sociopaths….what victims call Narcopaths….

      When you fight so hard to get back on your feet, when you struggle to come to terms with your great loss, when you finally get over that ‘breaking’ heart, when you finally find YOU again, the people who knocked you down will never ever have the opportunity to hurt you again!!

      Marce xx

      • Bri November 6, 2016 at 4:34 pm #

        Marce

        I love and can relate to EVERYTHING you said to Sabrina. My life for the past 15 months.
        I’m healing, on my way to recovery. Researching narcopaths, covert narcissism, reading blogs, books, and forums such as this have literally been my saving grace. I’m not angry anymore, I don’t want revenge. It would be nice for all of his survivors (victims) to come forward but no one will.
        I have aged tremendously, withdrew from friends and family. I went NO CONTACT 5 days ago (this time for good). Im amazed that every successful day I go no contact, I feel relieved, revived, content, happy. This is my 3rd attempt with no contact and I can already tell, it’s working. Good and bad moments, but I’m healing and that’s the most important thing for now. I think the fact that this was all one big scam, lie, facade, still triggers a little anger. I just have to keep reminding myself that unfortunately he had an agenda from day one, he (narcoopaths) are incapable of true love,
        intimacy, true feelings of any kind. It’s all about them, their needs, wants and their desires.
        He still denies cheating and sends text messages staying the following…..”I’m sorry you feel that way”, “I’m sorry you feel the way you do”, “I just want to move forward, the past is the past, I just want happy, fun, positive”,
        “I tried”, “there has never been another woman”, “I don’t lie”, “I have been 100% loyal to you”, “I can’t believe you don’t trust me”,
        “You are my soul mate, best friend, everything, perfect, my world, Angel, baby”
        “I can’t help you with your issues, there’s nothing I can say or do”
        “I hate you”, “I deeply love and miss you”
        “I didn’t say that” “I’ll take a lie detector test”,
        “I’m completely innocent and I know it”
        “I needed space, I had to figure things out”.

        Thanks to everyone for posting their story. Reading these post, educating myself about Cluster B personality disorders, different types and sub-types of narcissism, survivor blogs, books, you tube videos, etc. have allowed me
        the strength and courage to finally go no contact and begin the healing process.
        Thank you.

        Love & peace always,

        Bri

        • Marce November 7, 2016 at 11:31 am #

          Hi Bri

          I can relate to everything you’ve said and to everything you said HE said.
          That’s what they do.
          They try to make you feel like you are going crazy, when you both know deep down that you are 100% right that he cheated, lied, abused you and hurt you.

          Some quotes I read often to remind me why I walked away…..hope they inspire you too.

          “One morning she woke up different. Done with trying to figure him out. She was done with anything that did not bring her peace and contentment. She realised that validation, respect, honesty, loyalty and exclusivity were not just words, but a lifestyle. It was on this day that her life changed. And not because of this man, but because she realised that life is way too short to leave the key to her happiness in someone else’s hands who can never, ever give her what she wants and deserves.”

          “I am not crying because of you. YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT!! I’m crying because my delusion of who you were (and who we were together) was shattered by the truth of who you really are.”

          “Don’t ask me why I’m treating you cold, I’m not. I just quit trying and expecting. I’m tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed every time I break no contact. This time it’s for good.”

          “You can put all your effort in trying to make someone happy….but there comes a time when you become tired of trying to fill a bucket that is leaking from the inside.”

          “My silence means I am tired of fighting and now there is nothing left to fight for. My silence means I am tired of explaining my feelings to you and now I don’t have the energy to explain them any more. My silence means I have adapted to these changes in my life. My silence means I am on a self healing process and I am trying to forget everything and you. My silence means I am trying to move on gracefully with all my dignity intact.”

          “I cannot control your behaviour, nor do I want that burden any longer. However, I will not apologise for refusing to be respected, lied to or mistreated at will. I have standards and boundaries now.”

          “Don’t be sorry. I trusted you. My mistake, not yours.”

          “And then one day, I discovered my own light, my own inner-gangster. I snatched my power back and the game changed.”

          “That’s the problem with putting others first, you’ve taught them you come second.”

          “Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight.”

          “Just because something isn’t a lie does not mean that it isn’t deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction.”

          “The heart gets confused when it is constantly told I love you by the same person who destroys it…”

          Love Marce xx

  17. Lisa June 1, 2016 at 8:01 pm #

    OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! You sound just like me in every word I am reading. I have been with this person for going on six years and I have finally decided to move on during one more silent treatment. Everything you say here, I have experienced in every way. I thought I was alone. I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening to me. I had become a different person who would never, ever put up with the BS I did with this man, it was so completely insane. I am sorry you had to go through your hell, best of luck to you in the future.

  18. Vicki June 30, 2016 at 12:24 am #

    I had a nar for a boyfriend..im still in denial..he was amazing saying i was everything he ever wanted..that his ec cheated and hit him i feel for it…we were going to get married …looking at homes ..rings..but soon as i say dont be late ..stop being lazy ..why do you take your cell im bathroom..he abandoned me afyer year and half together…seems we broke up every three months..i still vry feel so alone confised..his family loved me so much ..ive since heard hes telling his mom im bossy and snooped through his phone..always my fault…did anyone here ever date a everal watch out for him my ex ..

  19. Izzy July 3, 2016 at 4:46 pm #

    Same here my boyfriend was this way with me to the “T” i always new something was up with him but it took him to break up with me to find out who he really is now hes in a rebound relationship and the thing is i know how he gets his supply how he trapped them till he is finished with you but i new something was up and was catching on to him so he dump me lie to hus family making me out to be the one in the wrong made a bulls**t excuse 9n why he didnt want me a month or less hes in a new relationship his mom said its a rebound im like his new supply his sister told me hes making the new guy do all the things ive done that he trained me to be ok we were together 4 years and after we broke up ye treated me lile trash he was someone i didnt know his whole personality change started hanging out with new friends drinking and partying as his mom say hes out having fun its been 4 months now since we broke up hez been dating the guy who knows for how long this man broke my heart bad its hard to let go because you are right he made mw feel good about my self he would say he sex or gorgeous and make love to me out of this word man he got me bad niw im stock picking up the pieces on my own no friends no family he had me where he wanted me and it sucks because i never was thus way how could i still love this man when i know this about him he moved on so fast

  20. kimberly July 8, 2016 at 9:58 am #

    That is my ex Kennedy exactly……except my ex was also a thief. I used to find all kinds of strange body sprays and lip gloss…yes, lip gloss, in our car and house. When asked he would say it was mine, or my daughters or he got them from work when he worked in a furniture store. Also found lipstick lip mark on a towel in our bathroom one time and he said that my daughter did it even when she was in jail at the time and she doesnt even wear lipstick.
    They are terrible people. He had me thinking i was nutso. I was second guessing myself all the time. When i would question him he would say 1 of 2 things….either…..”you are so judgemental” or “im the one telling you” which i accepted like an idiot. Also Kennedy was an alcoholic so it was much worse…like walking on egg shells. I finally kicked him out. He stole my camera bag, knowing the camera and lenses were in the safe….but what he wanted was my 9 years of family memories on cards and usb drives. I have tried to get my belongings back but he now has a new fiance who he moved in with a little more than a week after i kicked him out and for almost 2 weeks he had her and i at eachothers throats.
    I tried to tell her what he is and how he manouvers but she thinks hes broken and needs fixing…..im the crazy ex and i made him that way. Hes already after 6 weeks lied to her, stolen from her and cheated on her at least once……end of the day he may have met his match because i see some of the same traits in her as well……he deserves everything he gets and I hope she gives him a run for his money…..even though he hasnt worked an honest day in 2 years.

  21. Sara August 22, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

    I think I’m in serious trouble with my now ex narc!
    We have been in the process of buying our first house together. Just before completion he emptied 15,000 pound from our joint account and cancelled the house we were buying. He has left me with nothing but empty dreams and promised and a broken heart!

    A week ago an ambulance and police turned up as he informed them I’m crazy ( I was he emptied out account and cancelled my dreams) he claimed I’m likely to kill myself and he thinks I need mental help.

    The narc has since phone and told me if I go to the doctors and tell them I have Bipolar that he will come back! He labelled a normal human reaction to his hurt as being mentally unwell.
    I believe he is trying to destroy me and I don’t understand why.

  22. Sara August 22, 2016 at 10:33 pm #

    I should add this is after 9 years of no commitment and broken promises. 9 years of what I call AWOL as he disappeared on numerous occasions!
    What did I expect?
    I’m angry at him but myself now too as I’m the biggest liar to myself thinking the dream of being able to be happy with him could be actualised and realised.

    I am determined to move on while I am still able to create a happy loving family. If I play this crazy dance any longer I will have to give up my fertile years to a monster who doesn’t deserve them.

    I’m devastated at the final blow but undeniable realisation that the man I love is not capable of love or honesty

  23. Lori August 30, 2016 at 10:35 pm #

    Can someone please give me some advice? My good friend is married to the narc of all narcs. I’m talking the DEVIL! He pathologically lies, he abuses $$$ like it’s water, he has her well over $600k in debt, it’s always about his business ventures, his name on everything, including the license plate, his clothes, his house, his this, his that. He hits on younger women and has cheated 2x on my good friend. He blames the women for being naïve or easy, then he discards them like yesterday’s trash. He steals from clients and business associates. He has umpteen court orders against him, judgments, liens, civil issues, this and that this and that. He does not care 1 oz. I was at court with them before and he laughed at the judge, I swear he almost got thrown right in jail there. He caused her to lose 2 houses in the past. He woos her back in with sexual magnetism and etc. Seriously, he is like the sex whisperer or something. I don’t get it!!! They have kids together and that’s what holds her back from stepping up. He looks down on people, yet he’s the flipping one with issue after issue!!!! How can he call everyone else stupid, dumb, worthless, and useless when he himself messes up in life left and right? Are narcs blind to what they do? Are their heads wired wrong or something? His ex wife came to me and told me straight out that he is going to absolutely ruin my good friend’s life I should have listened to her!!!! We all use to hang out together. She said he drove her crazy, literally she got PTSD and all kinds of health issues from him!!! She had to move 700 miles away to get the heck away from his negative evil energy. What is the best course of action for my friend? To sit back and watch her ship go under? Help her? Get a counselor for her? Talk to her own family and friends? What the heck should I do?

    • Marce September 4, 2016 at 10:34 pm #

      Hi Lori

      The only thing I can suggest is that you get her to read blogs/sites/pages like this.
      Hopefully in time, after much reading and research, she may just come around and realise :
      a. These people exist
      b. She is not the only person out there that is going through this or who has gone through this.
      c. There are support groups.
      d. Her health and wellness (physically, mentally and emotionally) needs to be her priority now for both her sake and for the sake of her kids.
      e. She will never be able to change him and there is no cure.

      She needs to help herself and your role here, as her friend, is to just be there for her and to support her.
      Sadly, most counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrists don’t know much (or enough) about narcs/sociopaths…..unless they specialize in this particular mental disorder, and it is a mental disorder. And YES their heads are wired wrong! They know exactly what they are doing – they just don’t care about other people and never will.
      People are like appliances to them….like an iron or a kettle. Useful as long as they do what the narc needs and wants; certainly replaceable when need be; just to be used as a means to an end…..they do not bond with, care about, love or miss human beings as normal people would….their targets/victims are purely ‘appliances’.

      Best course of action?….she needs to get away from him and stay away from him as soon as possible and forever.
      I understand there are kids involved here and she will have no choice but to interact with him at some level, but she must keep this contact as minimal or through a lawyer or whatever.
      It is not going to be easy, but one day she will look back and thank God that she got out of this toxic and abusive relationship in time….and she WILL get out of his clutches eventually. It’s a long road ahead, but worth it.
      Good luck 🙂 xx

  24. russ September 20, 2016 at 6:51 am #

    For over 20 years I’ve been racking my brain to what’s been going on with my partner, and our relationship. When we first met, it was too good to be true, to find a partner who loved me. We were on a Honeymoon period that lasted many years, but their was so many things that didn’t add up, even from the start. Like her family didn’t know I exsisted for over a year, her work friends knew nothing about me for over 4 years. Only selected friends knew of me. She had young children who never excepted me as part of my partners life. My partner would rubbish me in front of her children, and compared me to their father, to the point her kids treated me like rubbish. When each child was older enough to leave, I was the excuse why they left. Then the blame game would start, it was always one sided. I would be polite and respectable, they in turn would be nasty and cruel, and my partner (their mother) would let the kids walk all over me with verbal abuse, Mind you the kids were not even teenages. Looking back now I knew I was with someone with NPD. We had a joint bank account, mortgage and credit cards together. No matter how much money i made, my partner was racking up our credit card to the tune of $26.000. I had a small business held down 2 jobs at the same time, and it made no dent on our debts. I never forget her saying to me while I was working 18 hour days, “if you just work a little bit harder, I would’nt have to work”

    When my mum passed away, my partner came up to me only hours after her death, to ask how much money was I going to receive out of her estate. Up to this day she is still after this money she rightfully thinks she deserves, with no regards that my mum didn’t even have a legal will, which is still been fought through the legal process

    I fear Christmas, holidays, and birthday, as these times would only bring on a argument. Any present I would buy, would not be good enough, after 20 years not one year would result in my partner been happy with what she received as a present, no matter what the price. I remember one year I received a pillow for my birthday. It was a low point, but I received it without complaint.

    I recently learnt how to “gray rock” my partner which I heard was good at preventing someone with NPD to tear you down, But they do find other ways to bring you down with their “Death Stare” which I now Know when talking with someone with NPD, you got to learn not to make eye contact, but look at the top of their head instead, this helps alot, even though the roll of the eyes still effects me

    I hope to sneak out of this relationship in the next few weeks with just a suitcase, and go “No Contact” I don’t care about our home, if I lose it, so be it. Its better than having them destroy your mind, or making you fall off the edge.

    The one thing I reflect back on now, is the early warning signs, when they want to know everything about you, for you to be an open book, even though, they never confined to you their feelings. It was just their way to see how they were going to manipulate you. Also these NPD people will also try to change something about you, very early in the relationship. As silly as it sounds, it was to take my watch off when I come to bed, which normally i would never ever do, but if they can change something you would not normally do, and succeed, then they know you can be manipulated.

    I hope one day i can share my 20 years of pain and misery, to help other people

    I wish everyone good luck in getting out, and away from NPD people. I hope I can make out in one…

  25. The Past September 30, 2016 at 4:58 pm #

    My Ex was a narcissist. For years I tried to deny it, but looking back I realize that others were right on their judgement of him. The difficulty in getting over an N lies in many factors, but the two that stood out the most to me was his ability to make himself a victim, as well as how he completely destroyed me emotionally. Regardless of going behind my back and taking all of my friends away (which I later learned is common among narcissists) I continually blamed myself – for the break up, for hurting him, etc. Posts like these make me realize that it was not my fault, nor would I have ever been able to make him truly happy in the long run. I was constantly at fear, he would go out of his way to contact other women, he would physically hurt me, and I spent over two years of my life wondering what I would be blamed for next. I recently saw my ex after 2 months of no contact, and it was quite painful. He even asked to be friends with benefits (to which I said no). We have tried being friends, but I realize now that no contact is the only way to escape the harm of an N. Giving them contact merely opens up the door to manipulation, and hurt. I didn’t realize this at first, but after doing a lot of online reading I now understand no contact is the best way. I broke this no contact, and first-hand witnessed the hurt all over again – he would say things that he knew would really hurt me, blame me for the past (which was in a twisted version of reality), and lastly he would blame me for the violence I faced with him. According to him it was my fault that I had aggravated him to the point where he had to lay his hands on me. I caution you: do not go back. Turn away, and it will get better. I too had that feeling of emptiness inside, up to very recently. I believed that only he could fill that gap – because it was him that I was missing. But this is how Ns win – they create that co-dependance so that you feel as though you have to come back. This is just another one of their twisted realities. I am writing because after trying to reconcile, trying to break no contact I really want to caution others of this. No contact is the only way you’ll be free of the emotional roller coaster that you once knew, a N will never change. I used to live in fear/hope that he would one day come back. Now I know that he will not come back for my benefit, nor because he misses me. Ns only have power over you if you allow it. Go no contact and see your life change for the better. Cut out that negativity from your life.

  26. bl October 8, 2016 at 7:06 am #

    Can they also be caring ? Can they admit all their faults ?

    Everything you mention sounds spot on.However in my situation he is caring and he admits how crazy he is. It is confusing because when we argue he blames me for everything in a respectful manner. Ive notice he forgets what he says or changes it. I notice wierd little things for a example 4 years ago while doing our interior design in the our new house, I start decorating he moves things and i move them to a different place. after all the decoration is done he takes credit for all my ideas and he seriously believes it was his ideas.I know this is not a big deal but this same issue happens with alot of more situations. I am so confused with everything.

  27. wells October 20, 2016 at 11:33 pm #

    I had to deal with this nightmare for years. When we first met, it was amazing, this person was amazing. I really thought I had found the one who accepts me and my quirks and likewise. We shared so many things in common and discovered new things from each other. I really thought I lucked out because of this person’s beauty and mind.

    We lived together pretty quickly and what followed was an onslaught of undermining, belittling and jealousy. Driving me away from being with friends and constantly questioning my sexuality. I had things thrown at me and my personal belongings destroyed. It’s not easy to just leave when you love someone and try to make them happen even though nothing worked. There’s more to the story but its way too personal. I was screwed over ultimately and now i’m seeking therapy now that its over. My confidence was chipped away and now I feel ugly, small and unimportant. Be careful of these “victims” who are abusers in disguise. They will make you feel like the worst person in the world and will move on to their next prey.

  28. Debbie December 10, 2016 at 2:25 am #

    Just finished 3 yrs of hell with an ex who I think is a narcissist. He was Long Distance. I had answered his ad online looking to talk to people, which also said he was married. Started texting him and he explained they were separated and divorce was in the works. I look back now and wondered why at the time why in heavens he would be placing ads to chat with women in another state, why not closer to home? He provided a reason which sounded reasonable to me – he had a brother here who he visits. And why not say he is separated in the ad, why married (although technically he was). He seemed ok with a LD texting relationship but we did meet up a few times when he came into town. I clung on tight to him, especially after the sex. By the way, he wasn’t particularly great in bed, he was always better with sexting and imagination.

    It never amounted to anything more than this. The ensuing two years were a nightmare. Although he claimed to want a relationship and to find his soulmate, I always started doubting his intentions. He always said I love you, called me sweetheart, honey, baby, how perfect I was and how we were going to be together in the future. However when I tried to pin him down to specifics about when, he was always vague and just said “the sooner the better”. In my opinion a normal couple would talk about things – i.e he would move here, etc.

    Anyway, I would ask about his divorce from time to time and he said lawyers were fighting back and forth. At one point after 2 years he said an agreement was reached and papers were ready to be filed with the judge. However, what occurred after this crushed me beyond belief. He started to disappear for days at a time, not talk about anyone in his life and only wanted to keep things pretty superficial. There were very few long getting to know you telephone calls. So I went to the site where he posted his ad originally and saw a couple that sounded like him. In those ads he said he was still married and not wanting to change his situation and wanted a married lady also and to be discrete. WTF? All hell broke loose and I responded to a couple of those ads and revealing finally I knew what he was up to. He never explained himself at all, so I never knew why he did it. I dumped him right on the spot.

    I went to another dating site and looked around further and to confirm what a slime bag he really was. After some research I saw he had a profile going that said he was living together as his marital status and looking for “friends”. Now I was totally and utterly in a tailspin. All this time he had a common law wife, in addition to an ex-wife? I went back talking to him briefly only to get some answers and asked if he was had been in a relationship. He muttered about his wife not wanting to give him a divorce, so it was not final yet.

    Webs of lies, deceit and mind hacking galore. I never knew what to believe, or who he really was. It is very hard to believe any woman would be living with him under the same roof. He is a fraud. I have spent months trying to get over this. It seems like it will go on forever.

Leave a Reply