Break Up and Divorce My Life With A Narcissist – Part 1 – Is Your Ex One?

My Life With A Narcissist – Part 1 – Is Your Ex One?

Preface from Eddie Corbano: Narcissists are out there and they need to be recognized and exposed. I knew they existed, but never had an idea of the devastation they could create in other people's lives. Until I read Marce's post about her personal experiences with a narcissist.

It was in fact so helpful, that I asked her to write a whole article on the topic to educate people what narcissists are and what they do… and most of all – to help you identify if your Ex was one of them.

This is an article in two parts, starting with Marce's story – her suffering, her attempts to fix things and ultimately… how she got out.

You will find that the following is written from a very subjective, personal point of view, and this is exactly what makes it so helpful and valuable.

Please read this. This is a MUST for everyone.

John William Waterhouse [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Narcissism:
“A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance, and ambition.”

“‘I am in love with you', I responded.
He laughed the most beguiling and gentle laugh.
‘Of course, you are,' he replied. ‘I understand perfectly because I'm in love with myself. The fact that I'm not transfixed in front of the nearest mirror takes a great deal of self-control.'
It was my turn to laugh.”
– Anne Rice, Blackwood Farm

By Marce.

My life with a Narcissist – A Personal Story

In the beginning, he was considerate, understanding, charming, suave, loving, and this is what “sucked” me in.

I WAS IN LOVE – hook, line and sinker.

The Suck In

The relationship was intense and romantic, and he wanted to spend most of his free time with me. He called me pet names like “Princess” and “gorgeous.”

He told me that I was beautiful and “just perfect.” He made me feel secure in the relationship and said things like, “he would ALWAYS be there for me” – he was going nowhere.

He kept telling me how much he loved me, and needed me, and that he had never met, (or found), anyone like me.

However, this was short-lived because, after the “honeymoon” or “sucking in” stage, the tables turned.

Why?

Well, Narcissists love the “honeymoon” stage where they can just have fun and not be responsible or accountable for anything. Nor do they have to deal with any REAL issues that are necessary to take the relationship to a deeper emotional level.

He loved the romance, adoration, admiration, and uplifting that I gave to him… and I think he thought he had found THE ONE who would tolerate his weirdness without questioning it.

In the beginning stages of our relationship, I NEVER questioned anything because I loved him and completely trusted him. What I did not know at the time is that he did not have the ability, or willingness, to move past this stage of the relationship and that soon he would get bored.

He groomed me and trained me up to be the perfect source of his narcissistic supply – in fact, he even told others in my presence “she is in training.”

He also told me on occasion that I continued to “pass” all the tests he'd set for me. When asked what he meant, he changed the subject and said, “I just can't fault you in any way.”

I would laugh coyly, but little did I know that he actually meant it – he was training me up and he was testing me ALL the time to see if I fitted in with his plans.

Getting his attention and love made me very happy – so in reply, being his constant source of attention, sex, affection and nurturing was absolutely no problem for me at all, and in fact was very easy for me to do naturally.

I loved him, and I wanted him to be as happy as I was.

The Devaluing

So what happened after the “honeymoon” stage?

“Was it something I said?”

I saw a change in him which resulted in a change in me.

I was still his eager, willing, worthless, doting floor mat – BUT I started asking questions because things did not seem right in the relationship.

Although I DID take this very personally at the time and thought I was doing something wrong, and it was ME that was the problem. I also felt that perhaps I had failed to do something that I should have done or said.

Was it something I said?

So I would re-hash conversations over and over again in my head. For FEAR of losing the love of my life, I used to end up apologizing for something that was NOT my fault, and that I did NOT cause or create.

In fact, often I did not even know WHY or WHAT I was apologizing for, but I did it anyway because I did not want to lose him.

Then I started to see a side of him that created so much confusion for me.

With no valid reason, he started distancing himself from me, failing to keep arrangements that we had made, he seemed distracted and would make excuses.

When I tried to establish what was going on and told him I felt we needed to talk about things, he quickly distracted me by sidestepping the questions. (Narcs are brilliant at dodging questions that they do not want to answer, or in fact, cannot answer, on important issues that affect you).

One time after probing, he admitted that he had changed towards me, but offered no explanation or a valid reason why.

He made me feel like I was going crazy, especially when I caught him out in a lie. In fact he would often say things like, “You are insane!” or, “You are always looking for problems!” or, “If that's the way you feel about it, let's call it a day!” or, “You have no idea what you are talking about!” or, “Don't you trust me?!”.

Narcs are very subtle liars – they simply omit information and say things like, “You took it out of context” or, “I never said that.”

A few more classic examples are, “You read into everything I say and hear things that are not even there” or, “The reason I never told you the truth is because you always react just like this.”

One of my best was, “But I told you,” when we BOTH know he never did!

“He made me feel like I was insane and was suffering from short-term memory loss”

So yes, he made me feel like I was insane and was suffering from short term memory loss, and all this made me paranoid, distrustful of him, insecure, sad, out of control, fearful, drained, lethargic and vulnerable.

AWFUL feelings to have, especially since I was never normally like that.

He just became a LOT of hard work and was high maintenance – I felt that he was not putting any effort into the relationship and that I had to do all the hard work to keep us together.

The only thing I was 100% sure of during this devaluing stage, was that I loved him even more, (now that is insane, isn't it?).

And so I carried on like this, even though there were so many unanswered questions and concerns I had.

Deep down I KNEW things were not right – but I could not put my finger on the exact problem, though. He created smoke screens, and I so wanted to trust him.

So I kept trying to “behave” and in the process I neglected my job, never met up with friends much, refused to go out at night in case he made contact with me – my personality changed, (I became an introvert).

And worst of all, I became complacent.

It was okay to be ignored, it was okay for me to do things I would never normally do, (even sexually), it was okay for him not to call or to go out of his way for me, or it was okay for him to disappear from time to time, it was okay for him to forget my birthday.

I also made up excuses for him in my mind to make myself feel better. I lied to myself that it was not his fault or that he has so much to deal with or that he has lots of stress.

The bottom line here is that he conditioned me to accept his bad behavior, and not to question him or show how upset it made me that he did this to me – because he was NORMAL and I was the INSANE one with unreasonable demands.

So I ended up turning a blind eye and pretty much suffered alone.

I allowed my boundaries to be bent – I allowed him to overstep the line.

He once said to me, “Why do you allow me to abuse you? Would you take this crap from anyone else?” To which I answered, “No I wouldn't, and it's because I understand you and love you.”

I was his perfect supply.

What I found was that as long as I was submissive, made his life fun, praised him and gave him ALL the attention without expecting or demanding anything in return, things went well.

The moment I started to express my dislike of something, disagreed with him or if I expressed my own opinion that may not have coincided with his, I became a THREAT to his perfect world of control.

Jules-Cyrille Cavé [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The Break-Up – Dealing With The Aftermath

That's when he went “cold” on me, giving me the silent treatment.

I was cut off and abandoned, (he ran away – disappeared) – which is the only way a Narc knows how to deal with this, and also his way of punishing you for non-compliance.

With a Narc, it's all about HIM, HIS day, HIS life, HIS ambitions, what HE is doing or going to do. He feels he is entitled to constant attention without having to invest anything more into the relationship other than the initial time it took him to “suck you in.”

Why?

Because that's what he wants, that's what he expects.

He is incapable of love

“He was looking for unconditional love, but was totally incapable of giving it back in return”

And the worst thing is that you have to tolerate his indiscretions and his unacceptable behavior.

Of course, this is an unrealistic game to play in the REAL world, and I started to realize that that was all it was to him – a GAME.

To add to the confusion, he would come back days or weeks or months after having disappeared telling me he loved me.

He did say, “I will always come back because I just can't stay away from you,” but I figured out that it is NOT the kind of love NORMAL people are familiar with.

He was looking for unconditional love but was totally incapable of giving it back in return. He wanted HIS needs met but didn't give a damn about what I needed. He loved the way I made him feel, and he loved the way he made me feel – desperate and needy and stupid because that puts him in CONTROL.

So you may be asking: “Are you telling me he never loved you and never had any real feelings for you?”

Yes, of course, he had real feelings for me, but they sure as hell were NOT love.

After my research on Narcissists, I learned that they only love to the extent that they are ABLE to love.

I say this because love does not USE people, love does not ABUSE people, love does not DEVALUE people and love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like rubbish.

Love does not use people

I, (the dumpee), was devastated and emotionally I had been reduced to a mere “zombie” of my former self.

I immediately started researching everything and anything on “relationships,” “men who just disappear,” “booty calls,” “will he come back to me,” “no contact,” “how long would I have to wait,” “what must I do,” etc.

Every day I learned something new – but the articles, although very valuable and informative, just didn't quite fit his profile and/or our situation in its entirety.

Click here to read part two: My Life With A Narcissist – What I've Learned

  • This sounds so familiar to me… Like they all act on the same scripts. Before this horrible break up with my ex whom I understand now, was a real narc, I didn’t know such evil people even exist. I have heard the word “narcissist” but i didn’t understand how distructive such people could be in a loving relationship.
    Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know that I was not alone to fall for the lies of a narc.
    I have made the test here, and my ex seems to be 94 % covering the narc characteristics. This test was very helpful. Because before this, I have been questioning my sanity – was he really such a bad person, or was he a normal person who did some mistakes, did I misunderstand something? The way he was treating me during the lovebombing was so good.. I couldn’t understand is this the real person or the one who has devalued me in an ugly way at the end .. I was always trying to see the things from his point of view, to find explaination, to understand, to adapt, to forgive him and to love him even stronger, despite his bad attitude at the last months. I was looking for mistakes in myself. Break up always hurts, but there are many different ways to break up. If it is done in a “clean” way, at least you know that your partner respects you. It was hurting me enormously that he didn’t even try to end the things between us with respect, in a correct and human way. It was cheating, lies, horrible devaluation. I thought that I have done something wrong, to deserve such horrible ending. That I was not worthy of even one gentle word at the end. This was and still is a major pain point for me. But the more time goes on, the more I read about narcs, I understand that he was just a really sick soul, with deep personality disorder, and it was all his fault, I didn’t deserve it. My only mistake was that before, I didn’t love myself enough to run away quicker from him. That I have allowed him to treat me bad, in the name of “love”. I just didn’t know what is a toxic relationship with a narc.

  • Karen Thompkins says:

    My ex narc broke up with me after 4 years by telephone at work. We had just returned from an amazing long weekend. He literally said “ I’m no longer your boyfriend. Deal with it and move on. September 2 nd 2019. End of! Never saw him face to face for any form of closure . It’s tough

  • I’m sorry. I really mean it. I was a narcissist person. I don’t know how much I hurt her until I read this post. but I saw her changes before we broke up last year. she seemed like, it’s over and I don’t want you anymore. I’m really sorry. I admit I was wrong. I let her down. i don’t want anything from her anymore but her forgiveness. she was an innocent happy go lucky woman, my first love and my bestfriend. I want her to feel whole again which I know it’ll never happen. but I can’t get close to her anymore because I know we can’t fix broken people. and she don’t want to see me again and I think it’s really over this time. but I wish she know that I really regret for who I was back then and I’m lost w/out her and I’m really sorry. I can’t reach her since we broke up. I don’t have any social media, so I can’t let this out. but I know I want to. I have to. I owe her an apology

    • I was with my bf 4 yrs then he tells me he love’s me kisses me. Then the next day he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. But then he txt me and tells me that he misses me and asks me to go sleep at his place. Even though the don’t love me so I don’t know why he is doing this to my feelings.

  • This is so unbelievably true, I am only 17, so was he, but the manipulation was scarily mature from bis side, he would call me princess, beautiful, gorgeous, baby, perfect, perfection.
    One day i caught him looking at other girls and confronted him, that was it, i had always supported him, loved him, wanted him, as soon as i pushed back in the smallest way… poof, i was ditched and it was all my fault apparently, i sat there for was wondering what had happened, i was so happy one moment with a boy who loved me and i loved him, to being alone and seeing it was all a manipulative game the within hours.
    i am able to see it all clearly now, the gifts he would buy, the compliments he would give the false promises of holidays and settling down and growing old together, he had one aim and one aim only, as soon as the going got rough he was moving on and is probably manipulating some other poor girl now.
    Its very hard to get over someone like that because u have loved them, you have been groomed into a mindset of doing anything for them, you would worship the ground they walk upon.
    Unfortunately one thing i have learnt from this, is that if it seems to good to be true… it is!!!

  • HI Marce. I’ve sent more than one message because, as you know, the scenarios are sooo many. To add to my previous posts. Just wondering. I am struggling with the idea that he is Mr. perfect with the new supply, across the street. That somehow she is getting the him that I fell in love with. The wonderful, loving guy nandyhat they are the real deal. Makes me feel leas than. Why not me? Has he changed? Is he giving her a better and real chance at love? I feel jealous and hurt and confused?

    • The snake can change his skin, but deep inside he is still a real poisonous snake. She will get similar discard and hurt like you did, just after the love bombing. He is willing to change, he is trying to be his best and at this moment he believes it is her, the love of his life. Just as he thought about you in the beginning. But even if he wants to change, he can’t change so fast. The only way to change is if he made a relationship pause, long enough to do some soul searching, to understand his mistakes, to apologise to all his past victims for the abuse, to pass a purifying period of deep regret. Maybe in such case he has a chance to change for good. But if he had jumped in this new relationship immediately after being with you (or even overlapping), and if he had never shown regret to you and apologies sincerely, it means that for sure he didn’t change. Just wait, be patient and you will see – his new relationship will fail. But honestly, you shouldn’t care about him at all. Whether he is happy or not, improving or not, it’s irrelevant for you – you should only be thankful that he is out of your life, as he was not good for you.

  • Hi Marce,
    Thank you for sharing this. I cried when I read it because I can relate to every word. It’s so similar to what I’ve just gone through that I could have written it myself. My heartbreak is very raw because my ex just discarded me three weeks ago, following an intense, passionate, roller-coaster of a romance that lasted nine months. It was long distance, but we saw each other regularly and twice he applied for jobs in my city as he said he was desperate for us to live together.
    From the start he put me on a pedestal, told me I was his soul mate and the love of his life. He told me, my friends and family that he wanted to marry me, even though he’d been married before (his ex wife was a psycho, of course!) and that he never thought he’d want to make that commitment again. Until he met me. He messaged me every morning, called me three times a day, including every evening. We talked for hours when we weren’t together and when we were it was amazing. He referred to that time as our ‘love bubble’.
    But there were many red flags that I chose to ignore. He lost his temper quickly, was jealous and controlling. He initiated rows all the time and often hung up the phone on me if I said something that annoyed him. I stopped going out so I could wait on those nightly calls. When I did go out, he would text me and ring me, always bringing my attention back to him. He threatened to dump me if I stepped out of line. On once occasion, when I had lunch with an old boss, a male, he went mad and ended the relationship, only to ring me the next day and say he was sorry. He asked me to unfriend ex bfs on social media and questioned me about other men liking or commenting on my photos.
    Then he began to change. He became moody, cold, initiated more arguments, then shifted the goalposts by telling me he wished to cut back on the contact and only speak to me at night. When I went through a tough time and needed emotional support, he wasn’t understanding yet screamed at me when he couldn’t reach me by phone when he had a row with his daughter. He only sees one of his children, the others want nothing to do with him. Another red flag.
    I became exhausted, emotionally and physically. I ended up in hospital with a severe panic attack. He would fight with me at night time, knowing I’d be upset and unable to sleep. Then he’d message the next day and say ‘poor baby, did you not sleep last night? You’re so sensitive. It was only a silly row.’
    When he failed to get the second job here I suggested moving to him, where I could work remotely. But I didn’t want to live with him straight away because things had become so rocky and tense. This displeased him too. We had one last lovely weekend together last month and were so loved up. But a week later I got a new job here in my city and was so excited. I was happy but still planning to come out to him to work remotely a few weeks a month, as arranged with my new employers. Then he totally burst my bubble. He told me he was having dinner with his kids and ex wife the following weekend. He hates his ex and she hates him and I thought he’d said this deliberately to provoke me. He later told me he hadn’t decided if he was going to go but my reaction made his mind up for him. We rowed, I apologised and said I’d been irrational and I’d never behave like that again. He said he forgave me but three days later, dumped me by text, saying I was selfish. I’d forgiven him so many times and yet he couldn’t see past my stupid mistake, no matter how many times I asked him too. I rang him, cried, begged him to give me another chance. He said he’d think about it and get back to me. The following day he rang me and after two hours of me begging for his forgiveness, he agreed to continue the relationship.
    The next week was hell on earth. He swung from nice to nasty, dumped me again, took me back again until finally I cancelled my flight and told him he had won. He has since replied to my messages and calls, telling me his feelings had changed towards me some time ago, he couldn’t say why, but he had a gut feeling I wouldn’t make him happy. He said I argued back with him too much, made him angry and jealous and that he didn’t like the man he’d become around me. He told me he’d set me higher on a pedestal than any other woman he’d been with but that I’d let him down in the end. There’s so much more to the story but right now I feel shell-shocked, confused and utterly distraught. I let him off with verbal abuse, controlling me, temper tantrums and yet he couldn’t see past one over reaction on my part. I don’t want him back but I hate myself for still loving him. I’m having counselling now to help deal with the trauma, for that’s how it feels to me. But I wanted to ask you, is it ever too late to begin No Contact? He’s messaged me saying he wants me to be happy and to find someone else, not to put my barriers up again (he knows I was hurt in the past many years ago) and that what he felt for me was ‘real love’. But real love doesn’t destroy and I told him that. I told him in my last message that I believed he’d discarded me because he couldn’t control me any more and that he was insecure, jealous and unhinged. My friends and family are all telling me I’ve had a lucky escape. He’s been arrested for violence in the past (not towards a woman) and told me he’d put his fist through a wall and broke his wrist during a row with his previous gf. I feel stupid and duped because I thought he was the one. But he fooled me. How do I move on?

    • Alot of what you have discribed I have also experienced with my ex too. The first time he broke up with me he said that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Then he wanted me back again when he saw that I had made a profile on a dating site which obviously he also was on since he started to message me on the site. He talked me into going out with him again but it was for his own personal reasons. Then he started to slowly seeing me less and less always having an excuse or putting everything or one ahead of me. Then one day a man that I had met at a baby reveal party contacted me and I needed to make a choice on whether or not to stop seeing the guy that I was with and go out with this new guy or stay with this guy that I cared about even though I new that it would never go anywhere, as all I ever wanted was to be loved. So I made the choice to break up with my former boyfriend to go out with the new guy. I even told my previous boyfriend that I needed to see if this went anywhere as I knew that he never wanted to get married. His only reply was “ok”.
      While I was with my new boyfriend my previous boyfriend still tried to message me to get me to go out with him by saying that he wanted to take me out for food, then ho back to my place, like that would get me to leave my new boyfriend. I told him I couldn’t as I was with someone else and he said that he didn’t care. I told him that I was loyal to him for years and that I was going to be loyal to my new boyfriend. He said ok but if I change my mind to let him know. Which I never did. A month later he asked me if I was with anyone and I told him that I was still with the same person and once again he tried to get me to go out with him, again I said no. Then he left me alone for sometime. I was with my new boyfriend for almost 10 months but sadly we broke up as he was moving away and starting a new job and I wasn’t able to go with him. Then once again my ex boyfriend messaged me and I once again ended up getting talked into seeing him but this time he said that he could only see me on Friday’s and the weekends but that he was going to see me lots. Well of course that wasn’t true, he maybe saw me on Thursday or Friday’s and maybe Saturday at first for awhile then once again work or something came up and he was unable to see me very much now maybe once a week, then he would miss a week and it became where he started to avoid me altogether making all kinds of excuses. Till I finally asked what was going on and if he wasn’t wanting to go out with me anymore. He then said that he didn’t think so and that he wasn’t able to help me anymore as he owed alot of money and it wouldn’t be fair to me as he wouldn’t have any money again for ages. He used the money excuse all the time even though I never asked him for any money. He would buy me a few groceries occasionally but I never asked him too. After he said it wasn’t fair to me, he then said it holds him back giving me money. He constantly would try to make me feel bad for him and everything would end up going back to him, for instance my mom recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and that is when he brokeup with me. I said to him that now that I need him he breaks up with me and he immediately turns the conversation back to him by saying that at least I have my family as no one was there for him when his mother died. Well that is not totally true, when his dad died I was there for him as he called me crying and I said that I would come to him but he didn’t want me too as it was at his parents home (his), I was constantly there for him when he would tell me how much he missed him etc. Then when his mother had suffered a stroke I offered to help look after her while he was at work but once again he said no. Then when his mom went into a home I was there for him again but because he had stopped talking to me and I chose to go out with someone new he held that against me and only remembered when I wasn’t there instead of all the times that I was there for him even though he wasn’t there for me.

  • may i also add,do not bare your secrets and soul to these sort of men, they will use it against you, they are trying to gauge what they can get away with and are noting your vulnerabilities. When me and my ex first got together he had ‘personality cards’, like pick 5 cards that describe your most important qualities, i chose integrity, honesty etc,he was doing this to gauge what sort of woman i was and what he could get away with and how to manipulate those qualities i valued, i see it now but i could not then, i am still pretty embarassed by that but they do it so they can control you, they want someone who has integrity who is honest and all those personality traits, why? so they can use and abuse your nature. do not tell them everything and do not lower your boundaries, ever. stick to them

  • there is no question my ex is a narcissist. i was with him for 5 years. He lovebombed, future faked (as they do). I went from being a super confident woman, to a broken one with self esteem issues (luckily i am rebuilding i feel best i have in years). He lived with his parents (age 35) for the first 4 years, promised me we would live together when he moved out (we didnt, he moved in on his own), he had used me to get on his feet and no longer needed me nor to keep his promises he had made. He bled me dry of money, he expected, he needed constant validation, he ALWAYS played the victim.Now i realise it has been every women he has been with is the victim. He is the perpetrator. I went into the relationship trusting him, i left not trusting him at all. He used to threaten to commit suicide or hurt himself if you questioned anything he did. Could never get an answer from him, if he didnt want to answer he would just skip that question and turn it around. I felt i was going nuts. it was not me, it was him. He was a cheat, in the sense of the word that he needed to be constantly feel desired by members of the opposite sex, even when with me. He always kept in touch with his exes and now i know that was so he was not alone and hoping to have fallback girls. i did not allow him that of me. When i was done i was done, why be friends when he was not such a good friend in the relationship. He went out with single women who he had just met and whom he knew fancied him (when i was with him), i left him to go ornot, hes a fully grown adult (erm) and has to choose the right decisions, he still ended up going because apparantly he needed to ‘know how women work’ lol, how on earth did i fall for that, im a woman fgs ask me. He said his ex wife and ex girlfriend cheated on him, but i dont doubt it was through frustration that they did (not condoning, i didnt, but i could understand it), if they did at all. He liked these womens pictures on fb, but never liked one of mine. He was trying to make me insecure therefore co dependant. it worked, for a while. i realised the women were as bad because they knew he was attached and they all deserve what they deserve. He flirted with other women in front of me, eyed other women up and made out he was seeing if they were ‘stealing from the shop’ lol, he was a ‘policeman’ and off duty, its all b.s to eye up the next piece and to see if he gets and signs they like him to. severe mental health problems and alot of baggage. He goes straight into one relationship to the other because of HIS insecuriutes and the need for validation, therefore he never learns, however i do not think he thinks he does anything wrong. that is the problem. being stonewalled for 5 years, which leads to a very superficial relationship. whilst with his ex he told me he had walked his dog and accepted a womans phone number for ‘coffee’, then after 3 years after telling me this said it was untrue! i mean how can you trust a guy like this. He made promises he never kept. i spoiled him (as he did the woe me act about being mistreated by exes), i cooked him three course meals, i paid for alot of our time when we were on dates, he was a leech and a sponger under the guise of a wounded soul, until, i caught on to him, and as soon as i did and reigned in the spending, held a little of my heart back and started objecting to his behaviour thats where he started getting really narcisstic, he was a very cruel person, however came across as a sensitive hippy dippy man, he was far from it, he was manipulative, greedy, calculating attention seeker and controller. He lied bout women he worked with. He lied about so much. His parents were shocking too, i spoiled them and was polite with them only for them to be jealous of me lol. i bought them gifts that they said they would give away. they would ignore anything i said and talked over me, when taking photos they in effect did not want me in them (4 years after being together lol) the list goes on. it was a horrible time. He said no one has ever treated me as well as you, that we were different, were soul mates and all that rubbish they come out with to seal the deal int he short run. 5 years of hell. i got out. i had to. on top of being a narcissist he was a massive commitment phobe, would talk the talk but not walk the walk. always excuses. i was fed up with his victimhood and his woe me pity parties, im glad to be out of it and away from him, he is damaging to whomever he is with. i ignored my gut feeling and by goodness i will never again. i knew there was something not right about him at the start but thought its way he has been treated, it isnt,it was because when someone pulled him up on his behaviour he would stonewall, or pull a pity me party or gaslight and turn it around so he did not want to answer. He said him and his ex wife ‘never went to bed on an argument’, that was him foxing me into thinking he was reasonable when in fact he was grooming me to be compliant. i am now with someone else, and gee he is amazing, no flirting with others, no mind games, no pity parties, no going out with single women he just met, his parents are great, we are equals. If i need to talk we will (but theres nothing to talk about or make a thing of it because we just clock in with each other so no need for big talks). he respects me and i trust him by his words and actions. gosh i ‘deserved’ this relationship a long time ago. However i am still aware and will never get into a relationhsip like i had again. He taught me a couple of things only, that i should have gotten out after 6 month, i can never fix anyone apart from myself, i will only ever be with a man who is mentally able to share a relationhsip and not take. He did destroy me,and weirdly enough 6 month after we finished my daughter seen him out with one of the single women he went out with when with me. They deserve each other, i do not wish them happiness nor sadness. i am indifferent because i know what he is like and she is no better when she knew he had a girlfriend to go out with him. birds of a feather flock together. get out as quick as you can if you recognise any of these signs. He will use you for what he can (my ex did not use me for sex because he had E.D from the outset) as he did towards end of his relationhsip with ex wife and all relationship with his ex and me. too much baggage that he hasnt addressed for me to ever be interested in again, and even if addressed i would not touch him with a gloved hand. i went no contact, deleted numbers, blocked his numbers, deleted emails, got rid of trinkets, got rid of cards, letters, photographs, the lot. no contact only way to go. He will go into the next relationship as soon as youve finished (he probably already got one lined up beforehand) believe me. do not give them everything always hold back something for yourself. be dubious of the man who promises you everything so soon and who professes his undying love so soon. red flag that mofo and get rid. i did. i am still affected but tnot to the point i dont trust all men, i had time away from relationships to see if and where i went wrong so i dont repeat same mistakes and went into this present relationship with my eyes fully open.

  • Hi, I have a personal story to share and get some guidance. A little over a year ago, I was 7 months out of relationship with a narcissist. He left me with my self esteem destroyed to the point where his last words were “you don’t inspire me.” This even though I am a lawyer, a writer and have a good solid group of friends in my life. It was devastating but I got through it. I enforced no contact, focused on my work and writing, traveling, and meeting new friends. I dated a little bit but nothing serious. I started to feel myself again full of life, laughter and light. Then at the seven month mark, at a party, I ran into a man I used to be acquainted with (we had mutual friends and were connected through social media, both FB and Instagram). I was always attracted to him, so it was easy to fall for him when he made his move. I will call this man T, for purposes of this post.

    T was so attentive and loving and wanted to spend every chance he got with me. He even came to find me while I was traveling abroad with a friend (I had suggested it to him but never thought he would take me up on it…he did). We had a romantic time but he was quick to try to define it and lock it into a relationship. I was a bit hesitant. I told him I had just come out of something that took me a while to get over. That I was feeling better about myself and did not want to jump into anything too quickly. I told him about my fears of making another mistake. He swore up and down how he loved me, how he’d never met anyone like me, how he had not felt like this about anyone before. Those statements, although nice to hear, made me worry. I remembered how the first narcissist made similar statements. I also thought that considering T was 40 years old, that that didn’t make sense that he had never felt that way before. But soon enough, I got carried away with him. It was hard not to. He loved photographing me, focusing on my body, complimenting me, even fantasizing about having a kid with me (he denied he ever said this later on). I was swept away, even though my intuition was still telling me to be careful. When making love to me, it felt at times like he was challenging himself (how he can make me come in a certain position or way…he kept pressuring me to go with it and keep trying). At some point, I had to tell him to stop pressuring me on that, that it didn’t feel right. Thankfully he stopped that.

    Also, I tried to hold back on some things…I didn’t always say I love you back and I tried not texting him every day so that I maintained some distance (he later blamed me for all of this).

    As time went on, around month 4 or 5, I started noticing things that did not sit well with me. He still lived at home with his Mom (he is 40 years old). At first he explained that he needed to go back home to take care of his dying father 3 years prior. But I later found out that he had not had his own place in over 8 years, and that now 2 years after his Dad’s passing, he was still living at home. I also bought into the fact that he said he needed to be home while he was working on building his pharmaceutical startup and was trying to secure a second round of investment (the first got the company off the ground 6 years ago, but to date had not led to a second round of investment). I kept wondering why he didn’t actively pursue a Plan B, he was a graphic designer by trade but he claimed that he had not had a client in over 1 year. As time went on, the money dried up and we could not plan many out