Preface from Eddie Corbano: Narcissists are out there and they need to be recognized and exposed. I knew they existed, but never had an idea of the devastation they could create in other people's lives. Until I read Marce's post about her personal experiences with a narcissist.
It was in fact so helpful, that I asked her to write a whole article on the topic to educate people what narcissists are and what they do… and most of all – to help you identify if your Ex was one of them.
This is an article in two parts, starting with Marce's story – her suffering, her attempts to fix things and ultimately… how she got out.
You will find that the following is written from a very subjective, personal point of view, and this is exactly what makes it so helpful and valuable.
Please read this. This is a MUST for everyone.
Narcissism:
“A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance, and ambition.”
He laughed the most beguiling and gentle laugh.
‘Of course, you are,' he replied. ‘I understand perfectly because I'm in love with myself. The fact that I'm not transfixed in front of the nearest mirror takes a great deal of self-control.'
It was my turn to laugh.”
– Anne Rice, Blackwood Farm
By Marce.
My life with a Narcissist – A Personal Story
In the beginning, he was considerate, understanding, charming, suave, loving, and this is what “sucked” me in.
I WAS IN LOVE – hook, line and sinker.
The Suck In
The relationship was intense and romantic, and he wanted to spend most of his free time with me. He called me pet names like “Princess” and “gorgeous.”
He told me that I was beautiful and “just perfect.” He made me feel secure in the relationship and said things like, “he would ALWAYS be there for me” – he was going nowhere.
He kept telling me how much he loved me, and needed me, and that he had never met, (or found), anyone like me.
However, this was short-lived because, after the “honeymoon” or “sucking in” stage, the tables turned.
Why?
Well, Narcissists love the “honeymoon” stage where they can just have fun and not be responsible or accountable for anything. Nor do they have to deal with any REAL issues that are necessary to take the relationship to a deeper emotional level.
He loved the romance, adoration, admiration, and uplifting that I gave to him… and I think he thought he had found THE ONE who would tolerate his weirdness without questioning it.
In the beginning stages of our relationship, I NEVER questioned anything because I loved him and completely trusted him. What I did not know at the time is that he did not have the ability, or willingness, to move past this stage of the relationship and that soon he would get bored.
He groomed me and trained me up to be the perfect source of his narcissistic supply – in fact, he even told others in my presence “she is in training.”
He also told me on occasion that I continued to “pass” all the tests he'd set for me. When asked what he meant, he changed the subject and said, “I just can't fault you in any way.”
I would laugh coyly, but little did I know that he actually meant it – he was training me up and he was testing me ALL the time to see if I fitted in with his plans.
Getting his attention and love made me very happy – so in reply, being his constant source of attention, sex, affection and nurturing was absolutely no problem for me at all, and in fact was very easy for me to do naturally.
I loved him, and I wanted him to be as happy as I was.
The Devaluing
So what happened after the “honeymoon” stage?
“Was it something I said?”
I saw a change in him which resulted in a change in me.
I was still his eager, willing, worthless, doting floor mat – BUT I started asking questions because things did not seem right in the relationship.
Although I DID take this very personally at the time and thought I was doing something wrong, and it was ME that was the problem. I also felt that perhaps I had failed to do something that I should have done or said.
Was it something I said?
So I would re-hash conversations over and over again in my head. For FEAR of losing the love of my life, I used to end up apologizing for something that was NOT my fault, and that I did NOT cause or create.
In fact, often I did not even know WHY or WHAT I was apologizing for, but I did it anyway because I did not want to lose him.
Then I started to see a side of him that created so much confusion for me.
With no valid reason, he started distancing himself from me, failing to keep arrangements that we had made, he seemed distracted and would make excuses.
When I tried to establish what was going on and told him I felt we needed to talk about things, he quickly distracted me by sidestepping the questions. (Narcs are brilliant at dodging questions that they do not want to answer, or in fact, cannot answer, on important issues that affect you).
One time after probing, he admitted that he had changed towards me, but offered no explanation or a valid reason why.
He made me feel like I was going crazy, especially when I caught him out in a lie. In fact he would often say things like, “You are insane!” or, “You are always looking for problems!” or, “If that's the way you feel about it, let's call it a day!” or, “You have no idea what you are talking about!” or, “Don't you trust me?!”.
Narcs are very subtle liars – they simply omit information and say things like, “You took it out of context” or, “I never said that.”
A few more classic examples are, “You read into everything I say and hear things that are not even there” or, “The reason I never told you the truth is because you always react just like this.”
One of my best was, “But I told you,” when we BOTH know he never did!
“He made me feel like I was insane and was suffering from short-term memory loss”
So yes, he made me feel like I was insane and was suffering from short term memory loss, and all this made me paranoid, distrustful of him, insecure, sad, out of control, fearful, drained, lethargic and vulnerable.
AWFUL feelings to have, especially since I was never normally like that.
He just became a LOT of hard work and was high maintenance – I felt that he was not putting any effort into the relationship and that I had to do all the hard work to keep us together.
The only thing I was 100% sure of during this devaluing stage, was that I loved him even more, (now that is insane, isn't it?).
And so I carried on like this, even though there were so many unanswered questions and concerns I had.
Deep down I KNEW things were not right – but I could not put my finger on the exact problem, though. He created smoke screens, and I so wanted to trust him.
So I kept trying to “behave” and in the process I neglected my job, never met up with friends much, refused to go out at night in case he made contact with me – my personality changed, (I became an introvert).
And worst of all, I became complacent.
It was okay to be ignored, it was okay for me to do things I would never normally do, (even sexually), it was okay for him not to call or to go out of his way for me, or it was okay for him to disappear from time to time, it was okay for him to forget my birthday.
I also made up excuses for him in my mind to make myself feel better. I lied to myself that it was not his fault or that he has so much to deal with or that he has lots of stress.
The bottom line here is that he conditioned me to accept his bad behavior, and not to question him or show how upset it made me that he did this to me – because he was NORMAL and I was the INSANE one with unreasonable demands.
So I ended up turning a blind eye and pretty much suffered alone.
I allowed my boundaries to be bent – I allowed him to overstep the line.
He once said to me, “Why do you allow me to abuse you? Would you take this crap from anyone else?” To which I answered, “No I wouldn't, and it's because I understand you and love you.”
I was his perfect supply.
What I found was that as long as I was submissive, made his life fun, praised him and gave him ALL the attention without expecting or demanding anything in return, things went well.
The moment I started to express my dislike of something, disagreed with him or if I expressed my own opinion that may not have coincided with his, I became a THREAT to his perfect world of control.
The Break-Up – Dealing With The Aftermath
That's when he went “cold” on me, giving me the silent treatment.
I was cut off and abandoned, (he ran away – disappeared) – which is the only way a Narc knows how to deal with this, and also his way of punishing you for non-compliance.
With a Narc, it's all about HIM, HIS day, HIS life, HIS ambitions, what HE is doing or going to do. He feels he is entitled to constant attention without having to invest anything more into the relationship other than the initial time it took him to “suck you in.”
Why?
Because that's what he wants, that's what he expects.
“He was looking for unconditional love, but was totally incapable of giving it back in return”
And the worst thing is that you have to tolerate his indiscretions and his unacceptable behavior.
Of course, this is an unrealistic game to play in the REAL world, and I started to realize that that was all it was to him – a GAME.
To add to the confusion, he would come back days or weeks or months after having disappeared telling me he loved me.
He did say, “I will always come back because I just can't stay away from you,” but I figured out that it is NOT the kind of love NORMAL people are familiar with.
He was looking for unconditional love but was totally incapable of giving it back in return. He wanted HIS needs met but didn't give a damn about what I needed. He loved the way I made him feel, and he loved the way he made me feel – desperate and needy and stupid because that puts him in CONTROL.
So you may be asking: “Are you telling me he never loved you and never had any real feelings for you?”
Yes, of course, he had real feelings for me, but they sure as hell were NOT love.
After my research on Narcissists, I learned that they only love to the extent that they are ABLE to love.
I say this because love does not USE people, love does not ABUSE people, love does not DEVALUE people and love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like rubbish.
I, (the dumpee), was devastated and emotionally I had been reduced to a mere “zombie” of my former self.
I immediately started researching everything and anything on “relationships,” “men who just disappear,” “booty calls,” “will he come back to me,” “no contact,” “how long would I have to wait,” “what must I do,” etc.
Every day I learned something new – but the articles, although very valuable and informative, just didn't quite fit his profile and/or our situation in its entirety.
Click here to read part two: My Life With A Narcissist – What I've Learned
I’m confused as to whether my ex could be considered a narcissist, or simply selfish and immature. When we met, she moved very quickly, wanting to move in together after only a few months, and talking marriage after probably 8 months. I tried to keep myself grounded, realizing full well that we were very much in the honeymoon stage yet. I eventually opened up (or maybe “got sucked in” works better), and fell hard for her. I was always complimenting her and feeding her ego, always being considerate of her feelings. She complimented me a lot, and did things like cooked, surprised me with small gifts, made plenty of time for me, etc., but when it came to major issues or decisions, an argument always developed. The first time I stood up to her early in the relationship, her words were, “I guess I’m just not used to having someone stand up to me. I’ve just always gotten my way, not to sound like a Princess or anything.”
I never forgot those words, and she would do a lot of things without considering my feelings or how they’d be affected. I don’t ever want anyone to ask me for permission, because I don’t control anyone, but I do appreciate a heads up, just out of courtesy. I guess I feel like she had the attitude of, “I’ll do what I want, when I want.”
Then came the breakups. She’d leave, then a week or two later want to get back together. Like seemingly so many of you, I was always there waiting, wanting to make it work, believing things could change. She was excellent at telling me what I wanted/needed to hear, but never followed through. Her actions spoke much louder than words. And to her, I was a doormat; she knew she could keep doing this, and I’d be there waiting. I’m not one to ignore my own needs and happiness for the sake of someone else’s though, and found myself always asking for the same things, which to me, were simple. Things most people do automatically in relationships. Because these things never changed, I found myself getting upset, and we’d argue. I’d lost my patience over time, always believing she’d change. She didn’t want to, I now realize, and again, only told me what she knew I needed to hear. Once she “had” me, old ways continued. I was also always met with an excuse, and yes, found myself apologizing and feeling at fault. I was afraid to talk to her about how I felt, because she made me feel like I was insane, or nuts.
Basically, she was high maintenance (tanning, dying her hair, mani/pedis, facials, massages, and a very expensive taste in clothing). She always talked about us living together, because she knows I have money saved for a house. There was never any talk of her contributing to supposedly “our” dream. She was close with my family, because they always welcomed her and treated her great. Her family was awkward, and so even if I suggested doing stuff with them, she didn’t want to. I told her this was a concern of mine, that I didn’t like not knowing her family hardly at all. She never stuck up for me, or “us”, to her friends and family, and I guess maybe I feel like it’s because she had made me look bad earlier in one of her episodes of breaking up. Also, she works with a lot of men, and dresses rather “sexy” or seductive, which always bothered me. I guess it’s probably because she was seeking validation and attention elsewhere.
In any case, I didn’t feel like my needs were being met, and so was probably on her case about this more often than I should have been, leading to many disagreements and arguments. It made me insecure, feeling like I was on eggshells, and that the next wrong move by me would send her walking out the door again. In some ways, I probably appeared controlling, which makes me feel ashamed.
It ended (for the 4th or 5th time), six days ago, with her swearing at me, telling me she was fine with never seeing or hearing from me again, and that I’d finally pushed her over the edge. She’s a fresh 24 years old this past month, and I going on 27, together for a total of 15 months. Admittedly, they were the most intense 15 months of my life. Why do I honestly feel like I loved her more than anyone else ever, and despite the numerous reasons I know she’s no good for me, still sickly wish I’d hear from her, that’d she’d magically be who she was when I first met her?
I’m sorry for the rambling rant. Reading all of the replies, and the article itself, have helped a lot…
Still Searching
I had to respond to your post because of your penultimate paragraph.
‘I appeared controlling which makes me feel ashamed’ – I felt exactly the same emotion about my recent ex gf. What you must understand is that you were only searching for the basics of a healthy relationship, which she could not/would not give you. You are not to blame for seeking normality, stability and a sense of wellbeing which are prevalent in healthy relationships. Your ‘rant’ was not rambling and actually was comforting to read after a very similar experience myself. For your sanity, you must break all conract with this person, and realise that this not something that you will recover from quickly. Give yourself a break, take it easy, good luck.
easy322000,
Thanks for the response, it’s much appreciated. You’re right, in that those things you mentioned were exactly what I felt I was pursuing and asking of her (normality, stability, etc).
Today is day 7 of NC. I hate it, but part of me is almost expecting (or hoping, moreso) to hear from her, since that has been the pattern. I try to focus on the last things she said to me, how hurtful and cold she was, and tell myself that I shouldn’t want to hear from anyone like that. Despite everything, I still love her, more than I’ve honestly probably loved anyone. I really wish I didn’t…
I hear you. I felt exactly the same way. And there’s no way that the strong emotions that you felt are going to switch off overnight. See that as a positive sign that you are capable of loving someone. That’s a great thing. But you must hold out for someone who is deserving of that, who reciprocates. Her love seems sadly conditional whereas I suspect yours was quite the opposite. But it has to work both ways. I know how hard it is for you to not be in contact with her, but you must try hard to maintain that, even if it feels counter intuitive. You sound like a decent guy who wants to give, and people like this only encourage that, but there comes a point where you must walk away with your dignity and sanity. Do you know anything about her background which might explain her behaviour? There’s usually something in there that accounts for the ‘false self’. Sadly, it isn’t something you can fix. Only they can do that through choice.
This might be a long post…
Funny you mention “conditional”, as she always said that her love for me was “unconditional”, that she just loved me for me, and that I needed to do the same for her, just love her for who she is. I found myself constantly upset, arguing, because I wasn’t getting what I needed. She’d always say, “When do I ever get mad at you, for anything? Hardly ever, if at all.” It might sound arrogant, but I honestly feel I didn’t give her much to get upset about. Always made time for her, put her first (before friends and family), always considered her feelings, and never once lied. I always was very thorough, never leaving anything to question for her. She was quite the opposite, making selfish decisions independent of my feelings, very vague about things, put friends, family, and even her dog before me, and lied to me early on in the relationship about staying at her ex’s house after she got really drunk and had a huge meltdown in front of all my friends one night. I don’t know that I ever fully trusted her after that, which obviously didn’t help matters.
As for her background, her parents are still married, and in her mind, have a perfect relationship. Her brother has cerebral palsy, and so has always needed a bit more help in life. Her parents cater to and baby her, as well. Her dad is super quiet, and her mom “runs” the household. She has admitted that they don’t do much together, and mainly do their own things, and her mom guilts her a lot and makes her feel bad for not doing as much with her. (Shouldn’t her wonderful marriage be enough to keep her satisfied in her later years?)
Her ex b/f is a super nice guy, but that relationship was on/off, too. He was a doormat; her parents loved him, likely because there wasn’t much conflict. He was submissive to her, and let her do anything she wanted. As mentioned in my first post, she was very much used to getting her way, and felt entitled. She didn’t just celebrate her birthday, she celebrated her birthday WEEK. She claims her and her ex broke up because he didn’t spend enough time with her. As mentioned, I made time for her always.
We live in WI, but her best friend is from L.A., and they have a strange relationship. She’s compared her love of her friend to her love for me, saying it’s “unconditional”. She has no problem hurting my feelings or telling me no, but to her parents or friends (and even dog), I’d always get, “But I can’t do that to them, I just can’t. They’d never do that to me.” Yeah? Well neither would I, but yet I am getting shafted.
When her friend is home to visit, her friend stays at her parents’ house. My ex, at 24 years old, and also having an apartment just across town, would still stay over every night and sleep in the same bed. She told me, “It’s just what they’ve always done.” When my ex went to visit in CA, her friend actually made her live-in b/f sleep on the couch so that the two of them could sleep in the same bed. To me, and many others, this behavior was abnormal, and childish.
I’m probably bitter or angry at the moment, but basically I see her as a selfish, spoiled child in a woman’s body, feeling entitled to do what she wants, when she wants, regardless of how I felt about it. It’s strange though, because she was really concerned about how she made everyone else feel, like her friends and family. I was seemingly the only one who she had no problem being inconsiderate to.
Sorry for the rant again…
Don’t apologise for ‘ranting’. It’s good to get the thoughts out of your head. And it’s clear in your postings that you already know in your head what the problems are, even if your heart refuses to accept them. Anger and bitterness are perfectly normal responses, and they will go hand in hand with other emotions like denial, grief and finally, hopefully, acceptance. I’m guessing there’s a possibility that her behaviour may be related to the fact that her brother demanded more of her parents’ love and attention and she might feel that deficit in a way that she is unable to face up to or even communicate for fear of being seen as weak or needy (ironically). This however, doesn’t justify her actions and as I said, that isn’t something that anyone but a professional can fix and only she can choose to make that happen. I am no psychologist but what you absolutely must do is accept that you did all you could for this person, and you are not to blame for things going wrong. This person isn’t right for you, whatever the reasons, and I think deep down you know that. That’s not to discount the depth of your feeling in any way, but essentially you’re attempting to fix the unfixable. Take care of yourself for now.
Thanks for the insight. You’re right, there’s no fixing the unfixable. What’s most ironic is that she convinced me that I needed counseling to address my issues of insecurity or lack of trust. In her eyes, she did no wrong. She’d apologize, but it wasn’t sincere by any means. I’d told her several times that it didn’t matter how much I wanted or needed a change from her. It was only going to happen if she genuinely wanted to (which she obviously never did). To me, that’s one of the greatest signs of love, when a partner chooses to make a change in their life or ways to better their relationship.
Focus on me for now, like you said.
Sadly all that you describe is horribly familiar. You seem like a decent, honourable, intelligent man. Don’t let this experience make you doubt yourself. You were doing the right thing.
Still Searching –
I realise this has been several months now since this post but your description or situations, how you were made to feel, the age gap (im 28, she’s 21) and general confusions day to day as wether this was your fault/if this is just what some relationships are like/or if she actually does have these tendancies.
I don’t imagine your on here anymore, but would be brilliant to hear how you are with that situation now/how it was in the post months etc
Cheers
Hi-
I don’t frequent this site much anymore, no. It’s been several months, and in that time, I was finally able to move on. I’ve since met a wonderful girl, closer to my age, who is very kind, patient, and understanding. She has a wonderful family with which I get along great, a great career, isn’t materialistic, and is just very down-to-earth. A stark contrast to my ex. It took awhile, and I may have gotten involved too soon, but initially I was comparing the new with the old, which caused some issues. I’ve since come to realize that what my ex lacked, the new girl has going for her in bunches, and those are the things that are most important (patience, honesty, kindness, consideration, etc).
I still think about my ex daily, and may always, who knows. I don’t long for her or miss her, just curious as to how she’s doing. It’s none of my business though, and I won’t ever contact her. I did love her, right or wrong, and the time with her has helped me to further see what works for me and what doesn’t, and has helped shape who I am now. If a person can say that about a relationship, then it wasn’t a waste.
Thank you marce for sharing with us your story. I have never realised that my ex was a narcissist until I Have read your story. Reading your story was like reviewing what happened with me…
Wow, I never thought of my ex as a narc..I always felt that those that were would be trying to get something out of me(money) but reading all of the comments and the articles, he personifies the narc personality. I too was wooed and loved, called pet names, he would take me everywhere and pay for almost everything. That lasted about six months. When I started questioning some of his behavior(he asked me at a party, if it was ok if he danced with other women, I stated in fact it was Not ok), he emotionally left the relationship(without telling me) After spending the weekend together, him holding hands with me, making love to me, making plans together he called me a day later and told me we should date other people. Said we had “different values”. Found out later he had been seeing someone else(he continues to be with her). From the pics I see, she looks very controllable and grateful to be with him. Her time will come…I still have a hard time, 4 months later..I still think of him and miss the good times..But I will not go back..Im in therapy, trying to figure out why I am attracted to these men(ive been in several similar relationships). Its hard to love someone so much and have them throw you out like trash and replace you with another. Looking back, I know he had no empathy..none for me or the other people in his life(his children esp). I know I am better off without him and know for a fact, he will try to slither back into my life at some point. I think I am strong enough to resist and pray it will only happen when I am ready.. I pray every day for him and for me-although he feels little or no hurt/pain-he also feels no deep love. At least I know I am capable of loving another human being completly. I just need to pick the right one. Blessings to all of you who are dealing with this. A hurt, broken heart is a terrible pain.
My question to all of you, would be, how long does it take to get past the hurt or suffering? I too read this, and it mirrors my past relationship so much. And when Marce writes about him coming back, well my ex did the same, he came back, only to leave me 3 weeks later. He told me he wanted to make things right, and I remember one afternoon he kissed me, and I said: “Friends don’t kiss each other” (as we still had not talked about getting back officially) and he said “I thought we had talked about not being friends”, to which I replied “No” and then he said “Well, then we’ll talk about it”. Days after that I got all the sweet name calling like “my love, my baby, etc.” and I thought well, we had gotten back, sort of a natural transition into things again. A few days later, when I told him I felt him distant, he said “Why are you doing this again?” and I felt so confused, because I was just expressing to him how I felt, and then when I started getting distant too, he got upset, and when I told him that we should talk things through, he said he would tell me when we talked. I called him that night, thinking we should try to fix things as soon as possible. He yelled at me on chat, telling me that I was doing the same things as before, calling him and texting him, and that I had not changed. I apologized for this and then, finally on the weekend I asked to call him, he said no, that he would not answer my calls, and then I started texting him, and he said I had not changed and that “we were not even back together” (during our relationship, if he wouldn’t pick up my calls, I would text him in the efforts of trying to explain my point of view and fix things, but this would enfuriate him, as he said I was “stalking” him for texting him nonstop. I understand I could have texted too much, but it was because of the anxiety that the thought of losing him, generated in me). When he said “we were not even back together” my mind just spinned because, had he not kissed me a couple of weeks before telling me “he though we had talked about not being friends”????
It’s been 3 weeks since my last attemp to contact him, and I’m completely devasted. I have no self-esteem left, and I too have become a zombie version of myself. I feel this really horrible pain, almost like a loss. I can rationalize that he too has narc traits, yet I still love him, and yes, that is insane! How do you love someone who has mentally played with you in such a way that you feel like yes, you are to blame, you are the crazy one, etc, etc… It’s all too painful, and I’m a total 4 months into my recovery process since the initial split, before him reappearing, and I just can’t move on, I can’t seem to let go. Any suggestions would be deeply appreciated.
Thank you Marce for sharing in your experience.
Leen, it breaks my heart to see you in such turmoil. I’ve been there and thought I would die after he disappeared on me, even after talking it through with my girlfriends, I still wanted him back because he posed himself as the perfect guy. Now that my feelings are gone for him, though I do still care about him as a person, but not in love, I am so much better off and feel that I have myself back. I had to go to therapy, I went to the library and checked out self help books on narcissism and break ups and how to get over hurt, I also read blogs of other people’s stories, and lastly, I prayed a lot. There were first times when I would actually pray to God for me not to wake up, that’s when I was deeply depressed and had lost 10 lbs over this guy. I would take a shower and find myself crying and scrubbing my body as if I was trying to scrub every memory of him off of me. I was in hell and miserable. I too would google how long would it take to get over someone like that. It will just take time and doing a little self help on yourself, even therapy may help you. When I thought I was okay, he came back into my life, then I was hooked again, he disappeared again, and the cycle continued, each time I got a little better with my emotions and my mental state because I knew the pattern. I kept wanting to get back my control and after 2 years, I feel as though I have it. He and I talk on the phone now, I told him I don’t want a relationship, so I’m still on guard with him because he has a way of wanting me to feel sorry for him, but my feelings are not strong as before and that is enough to keep me at a distance from him. You do have to follow the no contact rule and try to stick by it at least until your feelings lessen for him. If he comes back to you then you will then be a little stronger to handle the situation, each time it gets better. One day you will find that you don’t feel the same for this person and that you are back in control of yourself. Don’t give up on yourself, you can do it. I did it and thank God for my sanity. Do not lose yourself in this person. I hope this helps. Again, reading other peoples blogs or just google narcissism and how to get over one on different websites will help you to heal.
Thank you, Shela, for your kind response. It makes me feel that I’m not alone out there! I’ve too considered therapy to help me out, as I seem not to be able to let go, although, sometimes, I feel I’ll get to see the light at some point, for somedays I get to have some instances where I feel I don’t miss him as much or I can get through the day without tearing up.
Thank you once again.
Much love,
Leen
Leen, the healing time differs from person to person….although I have come a long, long way, I have to continue working on my full and complete recovery and healing every single day of my life because I really and truly loved this person. The pain was unbearable sometimes – pain so deep it ate at my soul, my heart literally ached, many times I would have to pull over on to the side of the road because I could no longer see through the tears pouring down my face – and YES it is a GREAT loss despite what others tell you NOT to feel and despite knowing what you now know. Three weeks is not a long time at all to expect to be over him…prepare yourself mentally for the long haul still to come….the only thing I guarantee is that you will get better, you will get stronger, you will become more educated on this topic, you are NOT alone and I believe eventually you will find the TRUE love that you deserve. 🙂 Take care
Dear Marce,
Your comments reminded me of my condition 2-3 days back. I was crying late at night when everybody slept, nobody to hear your cries, nobody to embrace you, only the darkness to hear you. I had to cry silently. For a stupid girl who proposed me, made me to fall in love with her, loved me madly, stayed with me for whole 2 years and then suddenly 1 month back left me for a guy. You said right here” true love near ABUSES, DEVALUES, USES OR ABANDONS you”… I am hurt for she left me, but more than that the lies, the deception before leaving me is hurting me more.
We all are good Marce. God doesn’t want us to to spend our lives with these uncaring narcs. I pray for all of us. We will get our TRUE love one day. There is someone waiting for us who will love us truly, hold our hand, embrace us at times of adversity, call us. Their gentle touch would put together all the broken pieces of heart together as if our heart was never broken at all. I truly want to love again but before that I want to change myself completely. Thanks Marce for this article. I can now comfort myself that my ex was a narc and I deserve someone better.
Marce, you’re the author of this very eye-opening article and I thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes, I understand when you say you truly loved him, so do I, and yes, the pain eats at ones heart and I too find myself driving on the road with unstoppable tears just pouring down my face. Although, as I commented to Shela, I sometimes feel I will be able to get better as some days are not as bad. I’m just hoping for better times to come. Love and blessings!
Leen..I relate to your story so much bc I also would text him too much when I knew he was getting ready to discard me. I have endured numerous times of him telling me he needs “time and space”. At this point I have no idea where I am. He told me we shouldn’t see each other anymore and then said he needed time and space. Which is it? I will ask him point blank “we are done then? We are broken up!” And he won’t answer. Why does he do this?? He’s left me hanging and won’t respond to emails, texts, or calls. He is basically keeping my heart hostage and not allowing me to heal. The silence is deafening and hurts me the most. He knows this and that’s why he does it. My anxiety usually get the best of me and I end up texting ALOT but this time I stopped. I can feel my feelings have changed towards him but for whatever reason I want him to contact me. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive and I have been broken by him. I don’t understand the draw. Do narcissist treat all women like this??
help,
he’s been abusive. then he tells me he will have closure with me, then he gets me to tell him about my life…….
then he acts as if he will apologize and amend his actions…then he just pulls the rug out, yells, says blaming things, and hangs up. I don’t get my closure. I’m traumatized. I can’t let it go… then he is just gone and ignores me. that i’m in pain, etc. like he enjoys it. i can’t trust anyone and i’m in a terrible state. I have nightmares like ptsd. he enjoys this. i don’t know what to do i can’t handle it
You have to get as far away from him as possible. NO CONTACT!
Fall off the face of the earth if you have to…..disappear…..then start healing and getting your self confidence back. Surround yourself with people who love and care about you. I know it’s not easy, I know you have a long road ahead of you, I know the hurting is unbearable…..but I also know you will get through this at your own pace and will one day look back and see how far you have come! 🙂
Don’t ask why he keeps hurting you and abusing you….Rather ask why YOU are letting him do this to you?
You deserve better….never lose yourself while holding on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you!….be strong and remember you are beautiful!!
This is a very informative and helpful article. I am looking forward to Part 2. Thank you, Eddie!
In addition, I should have known my narc guy had issues from him telling me about his many issues as a child and then when we first started dating, he gave me a book called “The Art of Seduction” about the different types of people in the world who seduce certain other types of people. I finally read this book AFTER the fact, after my narc guy disappeared on me. Funny that he was right there in the book. So in my mind, he knew upfront he was playing me. I feel for the next woman. Again, these people are demons in disguise. He did admit to me when he came back into my life the fourth time, yes the fourth time, that he emotionally abused me. I never told him that I thought he was a narc, but I know through my research and his actions that he is one. It was always about him. Research for yourselves and you will think you are reading about your own story. Truly amazing.
I’m so glad that Eddie finally put out an article about narcissism. I subscribed to his newsletter the first time I broke up with my narcissist. I didn’t listen to his advice because I was still holding onto him but the second time we broke up, I went right back and read through all the emails. We’ve been broken up for 2 1/2 months and I’ve successfully kept no contact for 2/3 of that time.
The fact is most of us know nothing about narcissism. You can’t protect yourself from what you misunderstand. So many of us believe that a narcissist is a conceited, self-absorbed individual but it’s much more complex than that. They have absolutely no love for themselves and have to feed off us normal people to feel some kind of something. Many women stay with narcissistic men in hopes that they can change them but these kind of people can NEVER change. Trying to help them will only ruin your life.
Relationships with narcissists are always abusive in someway. They are controlling, manipulative, possessive, jealous and just all around crazy.
I spent the past year wrapped up in a narcissist but because of my lack of knowledge I believed him to be a selfish person who would change for someone and treat them right, but because he couldn’t do this for me, I had to be the problem. I tried to fix things, ask for more and he painted me as a drama queen who likes to start fights and look for problems in relationships. I was the bad partner instead of him. (Projection and Gaslighting)
He cheated multiple times (even carried on another relationship) and took every penny I had, including one of my scholarships. My friends and family were not fond of him, as he has always been a known liar but he unsuccessfully tried to turn me against them.
I’m questioning whether I’m an empath because I could literally feel his pain, his sadness, even when he wasn’t manipulatively forcing me to feel them. I wanted to help him so badly. It took everything in me to resist his stronghold. To walk away and tell him that I deserve more than the scraps and abuse he was giving me.
Some of us think we’re strong enough to not need no contact, but we have to realize that people who hurt us the way a narcissist can have no right to be in our lives. If they can discard you like their trash, treat you like the dirt they walk on, then NO Contact is 100% NECESSARY. If you continue to talk to them you will NEVER be over them and it’s just as bad as physically being there because you are giving them power by letting them know that they still matter to you. Even if they do, they don’t need to know that because you are still being of narcissistic supply and it makes it that much easier for them to reel you back in.
I believe that if more people were educated on who narcissists really are and how they operate, less people would get involved with them.
Notice I didn’t say people would stop, because they know who to target. I was not completely whole with myself and after being acquaintances for four years, my narcissist established himself as someone who wanted to help me finally forget my childhood abuse. I never felt the need for someone to fulfill that role but since I’d liked him for so long, and he seemed like a genuine guy, I figured if he wanted to have it, he could.
That’s why it’s so important to be one with yourself and fully healed from everything in your life before ever pursuing romantic relationships. People who are confident in their lives and have healthy boundaries have the ability to sense that things aren’t right and walk away but the rest of us feel the need to stick around because “they could be the one.”
We don’t even realize what we mean when we say this. When we say someone could be the one, half the time, we mean they could be the one who makes us whole. And that’s why we often give too much and leave relationships feeling empty. If you are giving part of yourself but you are basically only half a person, you become nothing. But if you are whole, that part you give can easily be replaced.
If you are dealing with or are still trying to recover from a narcissist, I suggest you check out Melanie Tonia Evans’ Narcissism and Relationships blog http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/ Her articles are fairly length but more helpful than any advice I’ve ever read and helped me with the process of not only healing from the narcissistic abuse I faced this year but the events from my past that I’ve also been holding onto.
I wish all of you luck in your love lives and peace to the ones who have felt the wrath of the narcissist.
Hi Carmen. Loved your post. I agree, people who are “WHOLE” within themselves and do not rely too much on others to MAKE them whole/complete will be the ones with a far better chance of recognizing the ‘signs’ and getting out before it’s too late. They will also more likely be able to walk away from an abusive relationship. Another reason rebound relationships seldom work because people have not given themselves enough time to heal ‘wholly’ after a previous relationship! This requires building your self confidence and self esteem and it takes time!
Thank you for your post Carmen
I’ve known him for four years but he just kind of disappeared for two and came back last year. For the year leading up to us coming back in contact I had really been working on myself. I even started going to counseling when I left for college. He approached me three times and I could tell that all he wanted was sex so I resisted.
By the third time he’d gotten into my mind and I thought maybe I’m just paranoid and think another person’s trying to use me, so I gave it a chance.
Our whole relationship was him trying to break me. Almost all the progress I made was reversed by this one selfish, manipulative pers on. Thankfully reading Melanie’s blog and returning to counseling helped me fix all that.
The only reason he was ever able to. poison my life the way he did is because I refused to cut off contact. Until you know they’re a narcissist, you don’t realize that speaking to them is literally handing over your power. To you it’s just arguing but to them it’s an opportunity to lie and manipulate their way back in control. It took everything in me to not respond that last time he tried to contact me a couple weeks ago.
Speaking with a narcissist who has hurt you does you no good. They want to feed their sick selfish need to be unconditionally loved.
@ Dear Carmen,
You do not even realise how much you helped me with your post. Maybe parts of it were harsh, but necessary to make me see more clearly than when I blindly :/ belived, that all what had happend was because of me. This kind of thinking was of course something “implanted” by ex and as he was “the beloved one” I…trusted his words that I was not good enough/crazy/had…mental disorders (!), blah blah blah. I belived in his words even they were totally against my own sake! Horrible.
Now I see what kind of monster I loved – which makes me mad at myself each time when anything from this relationship comes into my mind…how could I let him and let ME(!) to let him to make me so miserable?!.
But I have nothing but anger for him now, which could be quite good for ME, if not so draining :/ The worst emotion after all of that, I feel so often and daily, is the feeling of beeing deeply hurt. And sucked out of all my inner power. And swallowed and spitted out after, yes, you guessed right, second break-up. I was a dumpee, of course.
“Many women stay with narcissistic men in hopes that they can change them but these kind of people can NEVER change. Trying to help them will only ruin your life.”
=> I was one of them…felt so much empathy to his traumatic childhood, tragedies in his life, etc. Did his life experiences make him more understanding to me, my feelings, my doubts, my questions? Obviously – not.
“If they can discard you like their trash, treat you like the dirt they walk on, then NO Contact is 100% NECESSARY. If you continue to talk to them you will NEVER be over them and it’s just as bad as physically being there because you are giving them power by letting them know that they still matter to you.”
=> How badly I had to experience the truth of these words…After the first break-up (from my side) I felt so free, so convinced that I deserve far better man than him…but he easily got me back and then showed me his “real” face. (or maybe it would be better to write “the face he always had” but I used to saw him as a better man than he actually was and explained to myself his bad behaviours and let him blamed me for all…gosh > this words brought tears in my eyes…especially because I can add: he DEMANDED that kind of love from me, but gave me, as I see now, nothing but pain, destroyed self-esteem and so on in return.
That’s my five cents after reading your post…
@Dear Marce,
God (freely chosen one ;)) bless you for your two articles about narcissist. Now I know how almost deadly I sunk into that swamp. And the cruel joke of the fate (?) is that feeling emotionally broken and after another sleepless night feeling deep bodily pain in my chest/heart I went to the doctor and all was ok…from medical point of view my heart was and still is 100% healthy. All of this remembered me of another painly memory whe I had taken care of ex, while he was ill. I was the tenderest “nurse” for him. And still had to listen to I was the bad one, he was ill because of stress of our relationship, etc. Funny, huh?
What I would love to remove from me now is that feeling like someone who instead of heart has a huge hole – all what remained after nuclear explosions made so many times by him. The worst thing is that I for my entire life a cheerful, enthusiastic, romantic, sensitive and loving extrovert became an introvert, extremly fragile now. I feel like someone who has been robbed of my own personality. Is it only me? Does anyone feel same way?
Happily, day by day it goes a little bit better, when I do not see him and have no contact. But what still paralysed me and stopping me from going to parties is the chance to meet him (he had once mentioned, sounded very proud, that he attended all parties each evening and someone confirmed me that), very likely with “a new love”. Although I am sure I do NOT want him back, I do NOT love him anymore, I do NOT miss him, I’m still afraid of seeing him in any circumstances >< so I avoid parties but…how long should I "give me the loneliness sentence" then?
From what I see – my recovery process will take months, not weeks. And will I ever be able to feel SAFE and WORTHY and able to laugh again?
What I have learned about myself from dealing with these kinds of people was that I had to address the aspects of my personality that attracted them to me. It was painful for me to admit to myself that I was emotionally needy, and that I was attracted to men who were initially very loving, doting, and attentive. They hooked me in because they “appeared” to give me the love and affection that I never received from my alcoholic and abusive father. In fact, my counselor told me that I was attracted to nicer versions of my father.
I have never been attracted to “Bad” boys. Quite the opposite! I am attracted to guys who start off as sweet and loving, but once I’m hooked, the representatives leave and they show themselves to be opportunists and users.
So what have I done to resolve this dilemma you may ask?? Oh, I still attract these types of men (and so-called women friends) from time to time, but I now know the signs and I listen to my gut–which has never been wrong–I simply made the mistake of doubting myself. Once my gut tells me that something is not quite right, I distance myself from the person who is the source of the problem as quickly and as quietly as possible. There’s no need trying to explain why or get them to understand my point of view because they could care less. and it opens the door for continued abuse.
So as not to be emotionally vunerable, I have also learned to maintain boundaries and treat myself with love, care, and respect. I spoil and pamper myself by doing all of the things for me that make ME feel loved and special… because I am!! This creates an aura of confidence, builds my self-esteem, and sends the message to the wolves in sheeps clothing that their silly and insecure behavior will not work on me, so keep on steppin!! LOL!
Great stuff Gina….inspiring to say the least 🙂 Good on you girl!! x
Thanks Marce! After dating a narcisisstic person for 7 months last year, I was so messed up I took a year off from dating. I recently started dating again and met another one!! Also had one as a roommate for four months. The first narc trained me well. You see, I have learned to talk less and listen more. Doing so has allowed people to show themselves. Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are the FIRST time, BELIEVE them.” Listening and letting them talk about themselves is what they love to do. While they are blabbering on about how smart and wonderful they are, I am sitting across the table smiling sweetly, nodding my head and thinking: ‘Thank you for showing me who you are! You’re FIRED! Next!’ If you talk too much, predators will zoom in on your weaknesses and use that to lure you in and manipulate you. There is certainly a lot to be said for coming off as somewhat mysterious when you are getting to know people. Ask questions, listen, and don’t let people see your insecurities (we all have them) right off the bat. Project yourself as confident and secure. I am a loving and giving person by nature. That’s who I am, and I love that about me. Unfortunately, predators abuse that trait. So what I do, is volunteer to help feed the homeless, and work with the blind and visually impaired. This allows me to safely get my nurturing and loving needs met by individuals who value my efforts. My self-esteem has increased, and I have a confidence that attracts the right kinds of people to me–most of the time. I can now spot people with a variety of personality disorders by observing their body language (I am an EFSP), by what they say, how they say it, and what they don’t say. I can now read a person’s online dating profile, and tell if they have issues simply by the way in which they write.
When dealing with a prospective relationship partner, we have to view ourselves as CEOs who are interviewing interns for the very important position of becoming our boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. In order to do this effectively, we have to have done the work on ourselves and become whole, complete, and happy individuals on our own. Next, we have to know what qualities and traits WE are looking for in a partner. If that person does not fit the job description, we keep interviewing until we find someone who does. They have to prove themselves worthy; it’s not the other way around. Went we start trying to convince someone that we are worthy if their love, it’s time to move on because we have given up our power as the CEO of our own destiny.
Gina, I couldn’t agree more! Very important points there…
Gina the Great- You are spot on.. I Loved your post! thanks so much.
I never thought about my desire to find “nice prince charming” guy stemmed from my own need of not having a loving family when I was growing up.
Your CEO suggestion – great idea!
I too volunteer and it’s my biggest joy!
Question, any ideas on how to keep the thoughts of the ex Narc at bay?
Thanks so much!
Hi Victoria,
I still think about my ex narc. Even when we cease all contact, delete their phone #s, email addresses, and text messages, our mind still wanders back to them This was a man who would come and visit me in the hospital every evening when he got off from work late at night after I had a hysterectomy. He drove me home, cared for me, cooked for me, worked on my house, was attentive, thoughtful, loving, sensitive, charming, and made me laugh. How could I NOT think about him from time to time??
Fortunately, for me, my ex-narc–when he was in his “hot” phase at the beginning or our relationship–gave me a beautiful card last year on my 50th birthday that I’d forgotten about but found while cleaning up my room. At the time it warmed my heart. Then he started the crazy making behavior and I felt as though I was losing my mind. When I finally, summond up the courage to break up with him, that same card became my saving grace (I sent him a final email quoting the words in the card, thanking him for giving it to me, and letting him know that I was goint to keep my promise to always remember my value and my worth) . I sat on the floor in my room and cried as I re-read it. Please allow me share it with you. If you are so inclined, print it out, blow it up, post it on your refrigerator, and read it everytime you think of your narc.
“On Your Birthday…
PROMISE you’ll never settle for anything less than extraordinary….becuse that’s what you deserve.
PROMISE you’ll always believe in yourself and the possibilities of each dream…because you can do anything.
PROMISE you’ll never forget how far you’ve come…because it’ll help you remember how far you can go…
…and that you’ll always see yourself the way others see you…
BECAUSE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL, INSIDE AND OUT.
Happy Birthday,
Love, the Narc”
P.S. I changed the name to protect the guilty and to identify him for what he really was–NOT what he presented himself to be)
Thanks Gina-girl, for your lovely comments to me and your” Brirthday” card from the Narc! Example I’ll remember when those ants start replaying in my mind. You are a treasure for this forum:)
Victim No More Victoria,
Thank you for your kind words! Love your new title 🙂
People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes a season. Their purpose is to teach us something and to move on. In some cases, they are meant to stay for the long term. Unfortunately, we get into trouble when we fall in love/infatuation, and try to create lifetime expectations for seasonal people. The birthday card helped me to realize that the lesson I was meant to learn was that of self-love. When we truly have self-love, we will not put up with B.S. behavior for one hot minute. Glad that you found the words in the birthday card inspirational as well 🙂
Wow! This article is on point with everything. My ex had some of the points mentioned, always got angry when things did not go her way even the smallest things, I used to remember things she told me when excuses used to come up about certain things and when I brought her previous explanations she would always say she never said any of those.
I remember once she called me with a different name (a guy’s name) and when I asked her why she just said “no, I didn’t say that, I said Mpho) always felt crazy and thought its just my insecurities and its true what the article says – you end up changing in a way you never thought.
I feel so upset at myself for never seeing the signs.
Don’t be upset at yourself Mpho…the quicker you realize you did nothing wrong and that it was NOT your fault, the better. I know you feel stupid (I did) that you never saw the signs?….well you were in love (as I was) and usually in normal relationships people don’t feel the need to look for signs. Narcs however like to make you think you are going mad….but the only madness in all of this is staying with the Narc and allowing her to continue abusing you! I say be glad that she is now someone else’s problem and just pray for that poor guy who still has to get to where you are now, on the road to healing! 🙂
Thank you so much for the advise and words of comfort. Appreciate it a lot. I used to feel the need to want to fix things with my ex even after finding out about her cheating ways and felt powerless without her.
Reading this article has truly energized me even more to heal, this article has opened my eyes, I knew the term Narcissist’s and what some of their charecteristics are but did not know the rabbit hole goes this deep.
After reading this article I am more convinced that she is certainly someone I do not need in my life at all and you’re right the other guy does not know what he’s in for and all the best of luck to him.
Describes my current relationship. It has been almost three years and I have realized it will never be anything different. He sucked me in, and now I’m starting to let go, and treat him like he treats me. He doesn’t like it. Tells me all the time he doesn’t want me to leave…..he would have to clean, laundry, yard work, etc.I have put up with things I would never take from anyone. I have a very close family and a few close friends that are helping me. Look forward to reading part 2.
Been there. 13.5 years with a narc. They are the worst. Very hard to overcome their hold on you. Your brain becomes conditioned by inconsistent reinforcement and the hope that the original person, the one who wooed you, will return. There IS no original person. They are on the hunt for the next source of supply, saying all the things THAT person needs to hear, contradicting even those things that YOU thought were his deeply held beliefs.
These are dangerous people to anyone’s heart and soul. RUN!!!
Sandra and everyone else, yes I agree, the Narcs out there will try to steal your soul like the devil. I’ve been there. I felt like when I was coming out of my depression from it that he had a hold on my soul, I felt empty, confused, almost like I was losing my mind because I was starting to doubt myself. I had lost myself to this person. Now that I have researched the Narcissist personality, I am better able to deal with it and to be warned of the next narc that I may meet. I am very much on guard, especially with him. It’s mostly sick that they disappear with no warning, then continues to return, etc. etc. I researched and realize they have insecurity issues and probably some type of childhood abuse that they never dealt with. Do RUN for your life if you meet one, man or woman.
Totally agree Sandra. There is no original person….they adopt a false persona because deep down they DESPISE the real ‘them’ – who they really are!
Dear Marce,
Like Ruth, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. The tears kept coming and I have just started to read your first sentences. The memories came back. The way you described your relationship is like describing mine- everything! I guess that is all Narcs are.
I refused to believe my ex was one. Until I read articles and blogs and posts of how a narc initiates his plan of attack. All to feed his ego and over-boost his self confidence. Narcs have a very well- executed plan of showing his emotions. Today he will say he loves you very much but tomorrow he will trash you like a dead rabbit. My ex was not only a narc, he has also addictons- drinking and drugs. Despite all these, I stayed with him. It’s sad to know that he puts the blame on me. He blames my jealousy for him breaking up our relationship. I think with him thinking that I am jealous feeds his self- confidence. He never listened to me nor gave importance to what I say and feel. He never cared. I just did not care of the red flags that I felt about the relationship and listened to warnings my family and friends. For me nothing mattered but the relationship.
It is all about a narc’s feelings that matters. My ex would say all bad things about me and my family. Names that I have never even dreamed to be called. He called me names that a man would never call a woman he loves. All I did not take personally, why? I don’t know. I am a decent woman and an educated one too. I showed love and respect to his family. But he never did.
The most hurtful is the fact that he gave me a ring. Before the break-up, he told me that if we break up that I can keep the ring. That time he had also asked for some days to spent on his own which I agreed. I did not know that he was already using some of these free days checking on some woman. Finally the breakup, what can I say. I accepted and it has been more than 2 months now that i am struggling. I apologized for my part in the breakup. But did you think that he has? No siree, no. Not even a simple sorry. Narcs never ever admit that they have done something wrong. It is again about their obssessiveness to believe in themselves and their ability to use, manipulate and control people.
Or maybe narcs dont have themselves self-confidence or self-esteem that they turn around and fault-find other people to show their control of what they are not capable of.
“The worst person to be around is someone who complains about everything and appreciates nothing” (Lessons in Life).
Thanks Eddie for sharing. Gives me strength in knowing that I am not alone.
Yolanda please don’t cry!? 🙁 My intention is not to bring back awful memories but rather to help people and warn them – I wish I was warned! I loved your quip “well executed plan” because that sums it all up really, don’t you think? In terms of jealousy, yes that is very much what the ‘abused’ person feels even if you are not a jealous person by nature and he made you jealous to get a reaction. The thing is that Narc’s don’t care what reaction is given (negative or positive), both feed their ego’s. I wonder how they would react to complete indifference?! lol
The reason you never took hurtful things personally was because he trained you up to just accept his bad behaviour….we don’t know they are doing this ‘training’ ritual (scary stuff) but believe me he always knew EXACTLY what he was doing…it was not coincidence or by accident….it was with intent! Hang in there Yolanda, and keep on reading, reading, reading….empower yourself with knowledge and get stronger…you owe it to yourself x 🙂
I felt compelled to comment on this specific post..that even being years after the orginal post I too, was in a 14 or relstionsip with a narcissist that followd this framework almoSt to a T . I feel that when you finally begin to show RELAXATION sometimes known as the actual “comfort” stage in HEALTHY relationships, a lack of spontaneity you once mirrored back too your narc partner , (purposely mistaken for “indifference” in order to justify what is about to become an affair for the narc or the hopes of beginning one) to a long term partner/narc…he instantly devalues and drops said depressed wife/partoner, like yesterdays news, starts spending tons of time away in places to meet others who are vulnerable- specifically of the opposite sex- (and in my case 20 years younger and naive as all get out ) who will be (and in this case WAS) instantly “sucked in” by his initial charisma and charm to the point where they truly believe the lies he spews out about how awful his currwent relationship or marriage is– and how he “can’t do it anymore” and this is what then paints the picture to the new supply as his “wife is old, boring, wribklesd and depressed at home and he can’t BEAR the thought of going home to someone who isn’t ANY fun but the new naive person who is star struck
By his manipulation and lies will now become his new supply. And you’ll be just like that-yesterdays news.
Hey JD,
yess narcs do exist in female form.
i am a guy reading this and it feels like i am reading my own story !
though my relationship was just 6 months long.
but it was so draining and changed me to a large extent.
that introvert thing mentioned above is so true.
that is what exactly happened with me.
I’m actually starting to wonder if my first bf was one. He said as he was my first I know nothing about relationships and what he says goes as he has experience and I dont. He also told me that if he’s happy then we’re happy. I had no idea he was isolating me from friends and family until I had a 2 month break from him when he went overseas. That’s when I started realizing that I had changed a lot and became a person that I just didnt recognise, I wasnt even allowed to joke and laugh with my brother because apparently I didnt laugh and joke with him which wasn’t true at all.
He stalked me for 2 years after I broke up with him and I took that low self-esteem and no confidence into my next relationship which ended a couple of months ago. I dont know if my 1st bf was a narc but I am sure as hell not gonna allow myself to end up with a guy like him
Jon,
How can 6 months be so draining? please explain the introverted subject? What is your story?
what is your story so that the rest of us can file away and recognize the flags.
I don’t think they can be avoided, they’re out there in female and male form.
What I realised is, that despite my gut instincts, I allowed myself to be sucked in by the initial charm and constant attention. Completely to the point where I lost myself to him. I wouldn’t have thought I was this kind of person previously, but he knew exactly how to manipulate and play the game.
Don’t feel like you’re doomed to end up with a Narc though. Just never, ever lose yourself to someone else. Don’t ever give all you can give to someone who drops you the second there is a problem. There are always plenty of warnings signs, just don’t second guess yourself. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get away.
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. He did the same things. He would say something, then deny later that he said it and tell me I was crazy or losing my mind. It got to the point where he would rarely work and I was doing all the housework AND the yard work AND working two jobs to pay the bills. I lost who I was and became whatever he wanted me to be. Then one day the blinders fell off and I saw that I was not a priority in his life and he told me things like if you really loved me you would accept me the way I am and not expect me to work if I don’t want to. I finally could see how much he manipulated me and was able to resist it and break away from it. I have never felt more free and I finally get to figure out who I am and be myself!
You story sounds very similiar to mine! All was well until I started to ask him to contribute to our family. We’d been living together for two years and had a child. He was so angry about going back to work and asking him to was the beginning of the end. After a year of working but still not contributing to our family expenses he walked out rather than help w bills when I pressed the issue. He is so mean now. Blames me for everything wrong in his life. Now it makes sense! I am going yo read more on narcissist s.
Wow, I have not read an article on Narcs in such a long time. I’ve been there. The same situation happened to me, I met what I thought was my soul mate, someone I would grow old with. The many compliments to me made me feel loved and very secure in the relationship. Then the drama started with the ex girlfriend and the ex wife. To this day I believe most of that drama was made up by my ex narc. After one year of long distant dating and a disappearing act that put me into deep depression, I started reading up on relationships and break ups and realized I was in fact with a narc. I had to seek therapy because I felt like I was in a dream the entire year then woke up into a nightmare, as if it never happened. I wanted so much to be with this man. Then he found his way back to me and of course I received his love again, then the drama started again, the woe is me, it’s all about him, and me walking on egg shells afraid to speak my mind for fear he would be upset and disappear again. There were many times when he said he would call and I would not hear from him for days, then came the many excuses that I accepted yet always had my doubts. Then there was a third disappearing act without warning and I started looking up obituaries thinking he had died, not knowing what happened to him or what I did wrong. I went into another depression and started again to read up on articles about this type of behavior.
Much of his stories through those two years never added up, yet he always had an excuse for them and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So after one year of not hearing from him, he pops up again in my life and tries to sweet talk me back. I was going to give him a fourth chance then realized his ways were the same, it was always about him. So I am starting to realize my feelings have changed for him, yet there is still something there where he is able to draw me in even though now I’m somewhat in control and have the ability to tell him I don’t want a relationship. I want to be rid of this guy, but he always find a way to nip at me. I feel as though I will never rid of him unless I change all emails and phone numbers. It’s crazy how they can get into your veins per se. It’s so sick. They will sweet talk you, dote on you, lie to you, pretend to care, but all along playing these sick games. I’ve never in my life met anyone like this and don’t wish this type of person on my worst enemy. The thing is that he knows I’m a nice and forgiving person so he plays on that and I keep allowing it. These articles have helped me, I still need to learn to be strong when it comes to putting up my guard with this narc. He even used to tell me that he was God’s prophet. Really!
Wow.. reading this article made me realize how much of an Narcissist i was to my ex.. wow. i feel ashamed of myself 🙁 she gave me everything, supported me emotionally and mentally… and yet.. i could not do the same in return.. or make her feel like she was good enough for me 🙁
im sorry Jade. i truly am. 🙁
heya soldier 🙂 thank you for “coming out” i wonder what made you realize? how long before you knew you had N traits? … have you considered writing a letter to Jade?
where you in love with Jade? I apologize for my direct questions, i am just a curious victim and of course you do not have to answer 🙂
Hi Soldier. I am soooo impressed with your post and that you are man enough to realize that you hurt someone real bad and can admit to it – you sound sincere?! I’d just like to say though that you perhaps have narcissistic tendencies but that does make you a Narc!! The fact that you feel somewhat ashamed of your behaviour by making “Jade” feel she was not worthy of you, I repeat, does NOT necessarily make you a Narc. The main reason I say this is because bona fide Narcs don’t feel remorse, would never ever apologise in public or otherwise (and if they do it would not be sincere), certainly do not think they do anything wrong at all and generally don’t really care that they may have deeply hurt someone.
That’s one of the reasons it is so difficult to recognize these ‘creatures’ 🙂
I’m so sorry Marce and Ruth that you guys had to go through all of this, I had no idea about narcs!!!! How do we know though, what do we need to look out for so that we dont get involved with these people? I mean we’re all single and going to be dating one day, some have started dating already but how do we avoid these freaks? Do they come in female form as well, I mean for the guys that are reading this article or is it mostly guys that are narcs?
Hi JD 🙂 YES they do come in females as well, N’s come in all colours, all sizes, genders etc
Thanks JD.
Yes they come in a female form! Please get informed. A site that helped me most of all was “After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life and Love” (found on Facebook).
Neither did I know anything about Narcs JD (simplistically I just thought they were people who are just ‘full’ of themselves – then later discovered that it was much, much more to it than that)….and I consider myself an intelligent person!? (go figure)…Sadly it can happen to anyone. Part 2 of the article may be able to answer all your questions so watch out for that…and yes Narcs can be male or female so both men and women take note! 🙂
I used to be married to a narcissist and stayed 10 years because we had children. When I could no longer take it nor all of the abuse and cheating and made up my mind to divorce, he became nasty and blamed me for breaking up the family. In his mind he did nothing wrong that deserved me getting a divorce and til this day tells everyone that if it weren’t for me, we would still be a family because he was happy and everything was fine.
Thank you for educating others. I also survived a relationship with a narcissist. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced. If not for the help of a therapist, my church group, and many excellent sites on FB dealing with narcissistic abuse, I don’t know how I would have recovered.
Even when confronted, these people will put all the blame on you. Only after NO CONTACT and a lot of self-education do you start to see how you were put through the “narcissistic mill.” You were processed just like all the other people the narcissist puts through this very calculated system (as described above). To this day he is playing games with me about exchanging our things. And again, it is all my fault because I am being unreasonable according to him.
I hope people will read up on narcissism and be very aware of how dangerous and devious these people are. I believe it to be demonic influence. It was like dealing with the devil for me.
Mimi, I really relate to your comment that Narcs are under some type of demonic influence. I actually had an exorcism performed about 3 weeks after separating from my Narc ex, and after it was done a terrible pain that had been in my body since shortly after meeting him disappeared. As soon as that was gone, it was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes and I was myself again, and I just stood there looking around at the ruins of my life, unable to understand how I had gotten to this place. I think my narc is under some type of demonic influence, and that it latched on to me.
It has been a long time since I read an article that got me teary eyed. Marce, your article is like a mirror of what has happened to me a year ago. But what struck me the most was when you said “He was looking for unconditional love, but was totally incapable of giving it back in return”. There were many times when he said to me things like, “You should be contented with what you are receiving from me, because love does not expect something in return,” or, “People express love thru different means, your way of showing love might be different from mine. So, don’t expect that I can do things similar to how you do things for me.” After we broke up (when he was having problems in his office), he even said that’s what he will miss about me, I was always there whenever he needs me. Well, now I realized how selfish of him to miss my “usefulness” to his life. What’s even more disturbing was when he told everyone that I was the selfish one because I wanted his attention and I wanted him all to me. (Well, who would want sharing his loved one to any other woman, right?)
I didn’t know before what happened to him, why he changed from being a humble man to an egoistic being. Now, thanks to your article, I realized that I was basically his ego supply. I did everything to make him feel good about himself, up to the extent, that i acted like his servant, his always willing victim. And that no matter how effortless he was into the relationship, he knew I was always there and I will always forgive his faults. I was so blind. And yes, it was very exhausting in the end. All these were emotionally, psychologically and even financially draining.
Hmmm my story is similar. Whst my ex did to me after our breakup I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s only now I see what he was doing during our marriage and it mirrors this story. Unbelievable really these stories seem like drama movies but sadly are real life.
I, too, divorced a narcisst after a forty (40) year relationship – thirty-two (32) of which we were married. He did an excellent job of reeling me in and showed me the real him shortly thereafter. I can identify wholeheartedly with what’s in your article. Being used, misused, mistreated, and abused for so long turned me into a shell of my former self. I am now getting back to the old me. I am happier than I’ve been in decades. I am thankful that I finally woke up, saw the relationship for what it was, and took the necessary legal actions and got out of it. My main lament is that I put up with his unacceptable behavior for so long. I am alone, but I know I’m much better off.
Miss you are better off….:) just keep reminding yourself of that x
Miss,
I am proud of you, my mom never left my narcissistic dad, she just die one year ago and after 2 weeks my dad was searching for a new couple, after 30 years of marriage.
Now I am recovering from my second narcissist couple because I learned from my mom to be abused and i have to learn better now 🙂
You did right.
Kisses!
Hi Ruth
The entire experience is VERY draining on ‘normal’ people….and it is therefore very difficult to create sanity out of insanity.
Hang in there and know that you are going to be OKAY! 🙂 x
Thanks a lot, Marce. More power to you! 🙂
I dated my Narc for about 1.8 years. I should have listened to my instinct. I knew he had some selfish, self righteous traits, but I never figured out he was a classic textbook Narc. Know I know with complete certainty. After doing research and reading other women’s experiences I was shocked how similar the stories are. I received further validation recently … I spoke with a girl he recently dated (oh the lies he told us both!!), she was wise enough to see the signs and dumped him within 2 weeks.
Speaking to her, along with learning about this disorder and made me free! I am no longer sad, missing him or questioning myself. He is a sad, sad, pathetic man with a lot of struggles ahead of him.
my Ex is exactly the same this article described the worst thing I still feel for him and just finished grieving. He is still in my mind every second passed
I suffered the same. Worse, unknowingly become a third party in his marriage, I only found out after being lied to for two years. For that two years, he tortured me emotionally, threaten to leave me by giving plenty of excuses, I lost myself. I did not know what to do. Everyday I was just hoping that things will be better. But when I woke up finally , I distanced myself and hide myself well. Finally i escaped. I hated him to the core. He does not deserve your unconditional love.
I was married to a narcissist for 5 years with a sociopath for a daughter. Believe it or not, the daughter was worse than the mother. The roles were reversed. The daughter told the mom what to do. It was the weirdest dynamic and so sick. They were both morally and ethically bankrupt as a result the daughter was repeatedly expelled from high school, busted for drugs, and knocked up by a 33 year old homeless, multiple felon, black convict after knowing him a month. Talk about winning the lottery, lol. Mom was so bad she would come back from the doctors office knowing more than the doctor or go to an attorney and come home speaking and acting like an attorney saying they don’t know who I am! It was sickening. Always drama and trouble sucking the very life out of you. I barely survived!