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Success Story: Contact vs. No-Contact

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The no-contact rule.

An outstanding concept in theory, yet so difficult to put into action. No other rule shapes the outcome of our recovery more than this one, the rule is a precondition for our survival.

But why is it so hard to follow? Why do we come up with excuses NOT to follow it, even if we know how important it is?

The addiction to one person is not easy to overcome. It takes determination, strength and foremost -the insight on a deeper level that we cannot go on like this any more, without losing ourself completely.

The following success story from AJ is about following and NOT following the no-contact rule, and how important a support system can be:

Dear Eddie,

Several years ago I did the stupidest thing possible. I started dating my boss. My company had a strict no dating policy for its employees, but my boss convinced me that no one needed to find out. He pursued me like crazy, until I gave in.

We were together over six years and amazingly (as far as I know) no one ever knew about it. We were very careful–my boss bordering on paranoid sometimes. I only told one friend about it, although I never told my boss that I shared our secret. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, he was terrified of losing his job and extremely careful about everything. Even his mother didn’t know about me!

As anyone but me might have expected, he eventually decided he could no longer “live the lie.” Rather than looking for a new job or helping me to find one, he chose to break off the relationship. I was devastated. Of course I had very little support, since I hadn’t told most of my friends or any of my coworkers about him. His office was next to mine and I’d hear him laughing and joking with other women through the thin walls. It was beyond horrible. I can’t even describe the sick, sinking feeling I’d get in my stomach every day.

He took another job a year later, but I still saw him occasionally because we traveled in the same business circles. And I’d like to say that business meetings were the only times I had to deal with this guy, but I was my own worst enemy. I called him for the stupidest reasons. I’d linger after meetings hoping to speak with him. But he’d walk right past me and I’d inwardly fall apart. No matter how much time passed, the feelings of devastation were always the same. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in my car and cried in parking lots. And it went on for over a year.

I tried not to call him, but I’d always give in. You would think I’d have learned from the horrible way I felt after each of these calls, but I didn’t. The worst of it was that sometimes he’d give me a little grain of hope (“let’s meet for lunch”). My entire world would come crashing down when the hope got dashed. (“Sorry. Something came up. I’ll call you in the next month or so.”). Talk about letting someone else determine my happiness! I should have just given him a remote control.

Finally, my friend said, “Look. Calling this guy isn’t getting you anywhere except that it makes you feel terrible. So I’ll tell you what. Next time you want to call him, call me instead. I’ll pretend to be him–I think I can reject you as well as he can, you’ll get the same results but feel better about it.” I didn’t put much stock in her idea, but I was desperate enough to try anything. So, the next time I wanted to call the guy, I called my friend. She was so like him, so coldly rejecting and horrible that I had to laugh. It was so much more fun than calling him ever was. I’d hang up laughing instead of feeling like a spineless rejected glob.

It still wasn’t easy. The only thing that helped was that I kept telling myself he’d be expecting my calls. I reasoned that every time his phone rang, he’d expect it to be me. But it wouldn’t be! I didn’t want him to even see my number on his cell phone or caller ID. Nothing. I thought it might bother him that I’d dropped out of his life so quickly. I don’t know if it bothered him at all, but it sure made me feel like I had some power back. I think that feeling powerless was the worst part of our breakup.

I took a job in another city, which also made me feel better, probably because I stopped hearing his name. I started dating again. I worked hard to stay busy so I’d have no energy left over for worrying about him.

Within a few months I was pretty happy with my life, something I never would have believed possible. But then (and this is, to me, the important part) I ran into my ex-boyfriend at a business convention. By now a lot of time had passed–over two years. I accepted his invitation to dinner, thinking I was past my feelings for him. But, as usual when it came to this guy, I was completely wrong. By the time the conference ended, I was the same needy person I’d been two years before. My ex-boyfriend gave off mixed signals, but I figured out pretty quickly that he didn’t want a serious relationship with me. He wanted me to get him a better job (I professionally outranked him now).

Anyway, it was heartbreak all over again! I couldn’t believe the feelings came back so quickly and that all the work I’d done hadn’t moved me past him. I didn’t have to quite start over, but it was way too close! I learned then and there that breaking the no contact rule ever (!) is a really bad idea. I also learned that logic and reasoning have nothing to do with how you feel. They can help control your actions, but there was nothing I could do to talk myself out of my attraction to him once he was in front of me. And boy oh boy did it hurt when I figured out the real reason for the dinner.

My friend, who had been quoting to me from your website, finally told me to read it for myself. So I followed her advice. Reading about the reasons for no contact, as well as learning from the stories of others, helped me. So did the newsletters–I learned something from every one. I recovered a second time. Even so, I have finally learned why it’s important to never see or speak with my ex-boyfriend again. He’s called me a few times (must still be job hunting!), but I don’t pick up when I recognize the number. I delete his messages without listening to them–way fun! I figure maybe it’s some sort of addiction, like alcohol. Whatever it is, not seeing this guy at all, ever, is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m engaged to a great man now –and very happy, but still not taking any chances.

Apart from having lived the benefits of no contact, I want to say that if I can recover and be happy again, then so can anyone. I was about as far gone as a person can get. Needy, dependent, desperate, begging–those all described me–and over a prolonged period too!

Getting myself out of the cycle of contacting him, having hope and getting crushed was the best thing I ever did. It gave me my sense of power back. And, most importantly, it worked. Thanks for being there for all of us, Eddie. I’ve definitely learned that your advice is right on.

AJ

I hope AJ’s story gave you some inspiration and insight about the importance of the no-contact rule, and that you are one step closer to following it with the necessary devotion.

Your friend,
Eddie

Make your Ex suffer! Click here to watch my FREE presentation:
"How To Make Your Ex Regret They Broke Up With You"

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on March 17th, 2010)
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  • Sourtimes

    Excellent story Eddie. It exemplifies the necessity of the no contact rule. I have a question:
    My ex and I broke up 10 days ago. I immediately implemented the no contact rule and I have not heard from her since. The breakup was extremely emotional and while cordial, she did it and now I’m crushed. I’m dying to e-mail her and just wish her the best. Is this a bad idea?

    I just want the hurt to go away. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Should I stick to the no contact rule?

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Yes absolutely, continue with no-contact and try to ignore the urge to contact her.

      There is this need to contact them right after the breakup happened and wish them the best, tell them how special there were, apologize for something, etc.

      Be honest to yourself and ask what you want to accomplish by doing so. Because all these things don’t really matter once it is over, and the ultimate goal during no-contact is to accept this fact.

      Hang in there!

      Eddie

  • http://SmartLadyDating.com/ Cathy J

    Addictions don’t seem to matter if they are for cigarettes, being right or men! If you choose to flirt with danger – you more than likely will get burned.

    Recently my ex visited the city where I lived and unexpectedly stayed at my place. Thank God I was strong enough to stick to not falling into bed with him – especially since this place is the one we chose together and holds so many memories.

    We still love each other and old hurts seem, at least on the surface, to have healed however….

    why have I had sleepless nights since….???

    The no-contact rule seems to be the only way to go.

    Although if you want to restore the broken relationship that is also possible – I attended an inspiring conference last year on addictions and restoration.

    However I ask you – where he is at the moment – physically, spiritually, emotionally – do you really want him?

  • anonymous

    what i found that helps me when i want to contact my ex is i write out what i want to say to him. it lets me release all that i have on my chest without getting interrupted. I’ve recently gone back and read for the first time what I’ve written and its such a relief to see my progression of the breakup. i went from being weak and hurt to a strong confident women again and all without him! I’ve fallen victim to breaking the no-contact rule and it never made me feel any better. to everyone out there stay strong i promise it gets better and read everything that Eddie has written he truly is a god send!

  • Nathalie

    Hello Eddie, could you tell me what to do when the man who broke up with me (didnt chose me to be with wont explain because its a long story) calls me or txts me? I loved him so much and im so tired of these emotions, i have no idea how to react what to think that i wouldnt want to call him back or txt him. Is there any method i could use?

  • Lee

    I am a firm believer in the no-contact rule! I finally hit rock bottom in a relationship with a man of 3 years. When it hit midnight ringing in 2010, I decided something had to shift. I called him on January 4th, told him I am finally ready to be kind to myself, live my life with happiness instead of constant pain and finally take the steps to be alone. I know he didn’t believe me….I’d said the same thing before. We had broken up in 2007 for over a month…and I did no-contact then. Because of my work I had to see him again (we live in different states) and it started all over. The addiction was back. So when 2010 came and I made the decision- I meant it…I couldn’t be miserable any longer. I blocked his phone numbers, his emails, told my friends/his friends/our friends to never tell me anything about him….never tell him anything about me….etc. I really feel if I make one phone call/text or look him up online…I’m going back to day one of what I call “my sobriety”. I’m not looking back. It hurt like hell the first month- I missed him, I missed his voice, I missed his touch, I wanted to call him for the smallest things, I wanted him to hear my voice so he’d realize how much he misses me and magically change all the toxic things about him……but that month went surprisingly fast. I knew the pain would pass. Tomorrow is my 3 month “sobriety anniversary”. I couldn’t be happier. Not having my friends talk about him, not calling him, not taking steps to just hear his voice for a second…I’m so much further along than I ever thought I’d be 2 months ago! After 3 years of being obsessed with the man I loved….I realized not contacting him and not letting him determine my happiness was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Trust me when I say I know it’s hard to cut someone off completely- doing anything cold turkey is hard! My heart, my soul and my mind are so much stronger for doing this the hard way. I knew we were broken….I knew the cycle would continue if I made one tiny phone call or put myself in a situation where I’d see him…..so I’m taking charge of MY life and not letting him have the reigns any more! I stepped down as a bridesmaid in a wedding he will be attending later this summer. And I will remove myself from any other situation like that so as not to be anywhere near him. I had to do something that drastic for my “sobriety”. If I’m serious about not turning back- I have to do what’s best for me. I truly hope everyone reading this can take a small bit of hope from me when I say it does get easier….each day is better. I missed him, I loved him and I wanted to be with him. But it was broken- it didn’t work out….and letting him go 100% was the only way I could prove to myself I will be not only JUST FINE without him….but I will be BETTER.

    • Christine

      Hi I admire your spirit, send some over for me pls.

      God bless you

  • Makkie

    Hi Lee, your words brought tears to my eyes.
    Probably because I was you 6 weeks ago, I had let him go I was stronger, happier and in control and then I broke the NO CONTACT rule. We started talking and sharing things and we spoke about our relationship the feelings we had, what we went through. He said all the things I wanted to hear. He told me how much he loved me, how he realised all the mistakes he made. And before I knew it we were “seeing” each other again. But this is the crazy part, not long after he and I broke up initially he started seeing anther girl and the all the time he continued wooing me he was seeing this girl, not knowing that I knew about her. And despite knowing about the two of them I let him woo me. I listened and I fell for him again. I guess at fiist it was intrigue been ” the other girl”. However after about two weeks of seeing each other I told him I knew about her. He denied it at first and then admitted that they were seeing each other but that she is not his girlfriend. They just see each other sometimes.Note that this girl is the complete opposite of me. At first he said she is just a distraction to not think of me and he could never have a future with her (she has a kid – 5yrs). I told him he cannot see us both at the same time. He agreed and told me he would stop seeing her. It’s been three weeks and as far I know he keeps seeing her, going there, doing stuff for her. All the while he is telling me how much he loves me, how he wants to marry me and that I’m the perfect girl for any guy. I know he is really confused. He is scared of comitting and it’s easier for him to be with this other girl, she doesn’t expect anything form him. He does as he pleases comes and goes as he wants whereas with me the feelings are deeper and not just on the surface. We are deeply deeply inlove with each other. We had spoken about getting married, kids, a life together. He knows that if we are together he needs to get his act together he needs to be seroius and really be there he needs to commit. I decided that we need to stop seeing each other. And even though I’m stronger since we first broke up, it’s still hurts.

    Lee, your words inspire me this morning that I will be ok again. Thank you!

    • Christine

      WOW this sound “exactly” like my story he kept promises me and I know he loved me but, scared of commitment.

      Just hang in there my friend we will get through this.

      Be strong and No Contact.

      Christine.

      • Makkie

        Christine, I feel like such an idiot. I’t been three months and I’m still “seeing” him. It’s like he has some kind of hold on me, each time I break up with him aor tell him we need t stop he makes all these promises he saysy all the things I want to here and I give in again. I really thought he’d stopped seeing this girl and I then I found out he hasn’t and for the last 3 months he has been lying and cheating all the time. When I confront him he can’t give me any answers, says he doesn’t know why he does it. I don’t understand how he can tell me he loves me, wants to marry me & have babies with me yet he be with another girl.
        I have reached it, my limit. I’m seeing him later and ending this totally dysfunctional situation and start all over again with no contact and this time sticking with it all the way.

        • Christine

          Hey Mak,

          Just take sometime for yourself, I know how you feel. you see my ex wasn't see the other girl anymore. He even told me about her too. The sad thing for me is he wants me back but, I am afraid cause I want him to take the step and he agree but, I don't know if I could wait cause I sense he's afraid of responsibilities and just telling me what I want to hear.

          Just be strong and hang in there my friend. if you have my email you can emailed me direct.

          God bless you and everyone else.

  • Kevin

    I am 18 and me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up about two months ago. I’ve come a long way in these two months, and i really feel like i can see a light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve developed, self love, a self esteem, independence, a purpose in life, and i can feel myself letting go completely, more and more everyday. I can feel my self beginning to open up to all the new things the universe has to offer, Including new love. However, Things are still a tad shaky at times, nothing extreme anymore, and nothing i can’t handle. The only thing i feel that sets me back are the mornings, and the dreams. I’ll go my whole day, positive, happy, feeling free and healed, Then i’ll go to bed, have a dream regarding her, or the break up, then i’ll wake up feeling depressed. It usually takes me about 2 hours of meditation, music, and writing to get myself back to where i was the day before. Am i doing something wrong, the dreams aren’t as often, or as intense as they used to be, but i still feeling like i am doing something wrong. I used to be able to wake up and instantly feel amazing about life, without using positive affirmations or anything like that. Though i love positive affirmations, I would like to be able to wake up already feeling ready to take on the world. I feel really good Most of the Time, but i go to bed every night wondering if i’m going to be ok the next morning. It’s like my higher self sleeps in a few hours longer than i do(if you’ve read the “what pain has taught me the hard way” article, you’ll know what i mean by my higher self.)

    One thing that helps is to remind myself when i wake up from a bad dream, that what i am feeling are only chemical reactions caused by the dream, and that i don;t actually feel this way. I feel that when I can start waking up feeling GREAT again, I will be healed. ( and when that day comes eddie, get ready for the biggest thank you e-mail of your life)

    I also apologize that this comment is unrelated to the article.

    I create Everything in my life.

  • Andrea

    @Eddie Corbano –

    EDDIE I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE, PLEASE!!!

    My boyfriend and I broke up 17 days ago, we were together for almost 6 years. There were many bad things in our relationship but now I realize that he is a really good manipulator and that is the reason why it was so hard for me to leave him.

    3 years ago, he started to email his ex, telling her how much he missed and loved her. They also met a couple of times. The day I found out was the day I broke up with him. In order to do so, I met him at the university campus, gave him the papers with the emails, wished him the best and I left… (I had to make it this way because he is very aggressive sometimes and I was sure he was going to react in a badly way).

    After I left him, he followed me into the common room and started shouting at me that I was a coward and if we were going to break up I should confront him and talk about it. A teacher intervened and he left.

    2 days later, he sent me an email saying how sorry he was about what happened with his ex. His excuse was she hurted him so bad and that he was obsessed with her because he never understood why she left him… but that the one he really love had always been me.

    I emailed him back saying: now that we are no longer together, you should have your closure or whatever you need with her and then begin with the healing process in order for to start seeing thing from a new persepective.

    I thought that would be the end but he keeps emailing me saying how much he misses me and that he stills there and that he wants to hear from me… I haven’t answer him because I don’t see the point and I know that if I did the emails will be more frequent, then they will become calls and then meetings… and I will return to the same vicious relationship… am I doing ok by not answering him???

    Im scared, I know he is not good for me, but I can’t forget his other side (the bad things he has are really bad, but his good things are really good) and I still love him and it hurts so bad to know how much he is suffering because of me…

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I really need your advice!!

    PS all your articles have helped me in so many ways! I am a grateful big fan!!

  • TATS

    I did the no-contact rule after my boyfriend broke up with me…about a month and a half later he called me to “ask how i was doing.” i told him not to contact me anymore & we hung up…a few weeks after i saw him at a bar & he started texting me…he didn’t like that i was dancing with other guys. (not my problem)
    Anyway, somehow we spoke later on that night until about 4:30am & we’ve been back together ever since.
    Standing your ground DEFINITELY works & if its meant to be it WILL happen again.
    If that person breaks up w/ you they should be man/woman enough to not talk to you after, & if you keep feeding into their random texts/calls they’re going to think of you as their doormat that will always be there. you’re better than that!!

  • Alexus

    Me and my girlfriend recently broke up after I had told her about my cheating that had been occurring throughout the relationship. I told her because I wanted to set things straight, I do not regret ever telling her and I have forgiven myself for the actions I had made. In my current situation my close friends are overseas and my other close friends do not really understand the situation as they have not had much experience.

    I tried for a week not to contact her, and she put it back on me that I had been ignoring her and it just went to show how much I cared, I told her that space would be best for the both of us, although we have still been seeing each other, she had been sending mixed signals ever since we broke up.

    I told her that we should just go our separate ways and she tells me this is not what she wants. Yet she does not want to be in a relationship.

    I have absolutely no idea what to-do, and I can see the idea of the no-contact method and I can imagine how this will come in to play, but I do not want to end it on a note that makes me look like the bad person. Any input or advice would be great.

    I have found someone who I can trust and we have some fun times together, although I do not want a relationship and apparently she does neither, yet these things change, so I have decided to keep very distant in relation to this, and act more as friends then as lovers. This helps a lot when I am feeling sad I can call her up and we hang out and man does it make the time go so much quicker, and does the ex come running.

    I guess I need to get to a point where I can keep slight contact with my ex, without making it feel like I never loved her and don’t care. OR should I just delete her number, Facebook and ignore all her texts.

  • http://SmartLadyDating.com/ Cathy J

    Alexus, give her a break. You said yourself, you cheated throughout the relationship… so just leave her to heal. You obviously are not so into her or you wouldn’t have cheated.

    She sounds like a wonderful person, so if you truly do love her (in your own way) – love her enough for her to move on so she can attract her special man who will treat her right.

    In the meantime, consider doing some soul-searching yourself, why did you cheat? Why don’t you want to commit to this wonderful girl you are telling us about?

    Wishing you both true love in the future.

  • Lisa C

    How do you go about this rule if you have a child with this person you are trying to get over??

    • milania

      Hi lisa, im going throough the same thing. Its so hard because I have to speak to him because of the kids. I have read alot on here and for some reason it makes me feel better but i was hoping to speak wit eddie 1 on 1 to get some personal advice because im really suffering, but if you or anyone would like to speak with me please do so.. I cant have the no contact rule as much as i would love to change phone numbers everything complete lose of contact i just cant because of the kids its sooooo hard to get over him more because of this having to see him and speak to him everyday, we were toghther for 7 1/2 years.

  • dstep

    I read the following quote some time ago when going through my FIRST break-up with the ex (Yes, we broke up again for the LAST time). Anyway, I found it very helpful when it comes to the no-contact rule:

    “No new contact = no new hurt.”

    Think about that – it’s so true. Usually, when you contact an ex, you end up being disappointed in some form or another and you end up back at square one. All those days, weeks and sometimes months of healing (as in my case), end up being for nothing. No new contact means stopping the hurt dead in its tracks. Nothing new to rehash, no fresh wounds and no old wounds to re-open. It’s a powerful deterrent.

    Another one was to visualize yourself on the school playground when you were young – say 5, 6, or 7. I’m sure we can all remember a happy time on the playground during recess with the other kids. Really put yourself back there- remember who’s around you, what you’re doing, how much fun you’re having….laughing, without a care in the world.

    Then ask yourself – is your ex in that picture with you? Of course not! Trust me, if you really visualize this, it will remind you that you ARE capable of happiness without him or her – you were happy and joyous on your own terms and it would be years before they entered your life. You were perfectly wonderful without them back then – and you will again be perfectly wonderful today without their presence. I already know this to be true myself – But I just started no contact AGAIN – after giving him a last-ditch chance. He blew it….and I’m working through my own grief.

    Thank you for your wonderful site. Invaluable. It’s in my favorites now. :)

    dstep

  • abhi

    Its pathetic to avoid the urge to contact, I know it wont help but i feel like doing it every now and then and feel like im going to fall in the trap again. I m just hanging on and tryin to avoid the pits. But im not sure how long il be able to do it.

  • hamza20

    he broke up with me without giving me a reason… he just called up and said its over between us and hung up.. at first i was numb…i didn feel any pain.. then i woke up in the morning and literally cried for 8 hours continuously that day..i kept telling myself that this cant happen.. he will have to talk to me… i called him again and again but he never picked my calls.. he didn reply to a single of my messages..
    then finally after 22 days he called me and said tht he wont give me any reasons for breaking up.. all he can be is just a friend..
    i was so desparate so i accepted that offer of JUST FRIENDSHIP[ a big mistake]…
    3 months passed in the same manner and they were the most torturing months of my life… he trotured me in every possible way he could…
    i expected his call all the time….he wud meet me but only after 2 weeks or so… i expected his call all the time but he never called..whenever i wud call him hed say that i am driving.. i am at work… i am busy will call u after 5 minutes but would never call atall…he being the dumpee knew that how much i was wanting him back..he took the advantage of the fact that i still was in love with him….
    all this reached the boiling point after 3 months and i absolutely exploded.. i used the energy of all the grief and all frustartion inside me and called him…. i said as many bad things to him as i could.. about his character..personality…life and everything…and u wont blv what was his response.. he said ” i beg u not to end it this way… the time i spent with u was the most beautiful time of my life. i really loved u when we were together.. i will come infront of u right now and u can beat me up as much as u want”
    i was so fuked up at that time that i just told him to go fuck his sister and hung up…. i deletd his number.. and everyother possible means of contact.. i received a few soft messages afterwards from him saying that i really had a great time with you…you have to study well and bring good results… i want to see you become a great surgeon and bla bla bla…
    i didnt reply to a single one of them….so he broke his contact aswell

    i seriously have no idea that how much i have recovered following the no contact rule…i dont know what my reaction will be like if he comes infront of me right now…will i hug him or will i just be indifferent.. but i do know that i am on the right path and recovering well…
    so no contact rule is really essential to recover from a breakup…

    but
    recently i was missing him soo much that i started searching his name on facebook.. i found him and it was so heart wretching to see his picture.. to see that face after so many days… i cried for 4 hours continuosly when i came to know through his facebook wall that he was dating.. how happy he was.. so guys no contact rule means that ur ex is dead for you.. in addition to cutting ur contact with him u also hav to tell urself that his life is none of ur business now.. he is dating.. ahh it hurts…so u dont need to know whether he is dating or not.. u dont need to hurt urself by finding out how happy he is with his life.. he is DEAD for me

    • skittles

      i'm sorry to hear what your going through i'm going through the same thing and after reading your story i will get away from my ex…. he cheated on me after all i did for him i waited on him for 2 years while incarcelated i did everything in my power to make him happy, i wrote to him put $ on his books and made sure he was settle when he was out i helped him get a job did everything thinking of him. we were in a long distance relationship and he couldn't be faithful for 6 months we were engaged he had just proposed in january and cheated on me 3 months later grew feelings for the other women and got incarcelated again i was shocked and hurt to know he did not appreciate everything i did for him and now he wants to be friends he claims he cares and i agreed to be friends but after reading your story i realize i would just be hurting myself and it will take longer to move on its been 15 days since my world vanished i miss him love him so much but i could never forgive him i told him the same thing that he was dead for me

      • caribbean_kool

        the world is full of people like us. it happens all the time everywhere.
        i have been strong enough not to break the no contact rule for 3 months. but he called up last night and told me that he is moving out of the country.
        he asked me for forgiveness. i said it doesnt matter whether i forgive you or not and he said that he feels guilty after what he did to me.
        i was strong enough and i said i cannot forgive you. then he said bye.
        now he is not even in the same country as i. but ever since that call my heart is literally bleeding. i cant eat anything because everything comes out when i eat. i have no idea when this pain will end. but it is good to interact with people because it lets me know that i am not the only one going through all this. i am not alone

  • Moving on

    It's been 40 days since my break up. I have maintained the no contact rule from day 1. All of a sudden, I receive this email from my ex. I've cut & pasted his message below. I'm tempted to reply, but something's stopping me. Perhaps my instinct is saying 'dont'. What do you guys think?

    This is his message:
    You, we, us still pop up regularly in my daily thoughts. Mixed emotions, different fronts, you may relate to this too.
    When a relationship breaks down to where we are at, it is natural to want the “real” answers to why it happened, and work on those areas so repeats can be minimised, and you can grow and therefore move forward with more confidence.

    Our biggest leasons come from our greatest pain so the saying goes. Dealing with that pain is not an easy thing, so avoiding it or minimising it is quite a natural responce, and escaping some of the blame by wiping all trace of what was and dealing, or thinking harshly of the other party is part of that. As difficult as I find it, I know it is important to look at myself so I can move foward in a positive and clear manner.

    Which brings me here today.

    Before the memories fade and the reasons for writing this don't seem that important to me any more, I want you to know, that I deeply honour the love we once shared together. You can question that love and was it really real in times like this, but I know it was. I will always cherish the leasons from you that will pop up at times down the track.
    I am sorry for falling short on my part of the deal and hope you can find forgivness. Although we still have sorting to be done, my intentions continue to be honourable and once everything is said and done I would wish us not to be “strangers on the street”.

    Hope this finds you well,

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      The subtext of this email (a typical Dumper email by the way):

      “The guilt is killing me and also the fact that you seem to be alright. I need you to be heartbroken over me so if something goes wrong with my new life, I could still have you.

      You haven't contacted me or begged me to come back. Why?

      I'm writing this to remind you that I'm still the most important person in your life and also to ease my overwhelming guilt. I'm waiting for a reply so that I could feel much better and carry on with my life without you (because I still DON'T want to be with you, I only want to feel better).”

      • Moving_on

        Thanks for your reply, Eddie. For the past 3 days, I've been tempted to reply to him but my instinct keeps telling me 'dont', so I'll let it guide me. Thanks for confirming that…

      • Toby

        Eddie, that's brilliant. Thank you. I broke up with who I believe was the first true soul mate of my life last summer. Despite being shorter than my previous relationships it was a real intense year, almost got engaged and resulted in a messy breakup. She moved on quickly, infact she moved in with a new guy a few weeks after breaking up (yes, it was obviously brewing and I missed it).

        We avoided contact for 8 months but spied on each others MySpace/Facebook via mutual friends etc. Finally I responded to her after ignoring a months of emails very similar to the one above. Got back in touch genuinely wanting to be friends and get some closure. She was still with her rebound and confided many things in me, saying wait for her, she missed us so much, thought about me everyday and that she'd break up with him properly. This really messed with my feelings, forgetting friendship and giving me fresh hope.

        Two months later after giving her all the emotional support she needed, things are fine with her and her boyfriend. I don't feel we can be friends (unless it is very, very distant far in the future) as she betrayed my trust and used me and could do it again when she needs that support other guys can't give her.

        Although it has revealed her for the person she is, why we broke up and given me a bit of closure, I still think it would have been better never to get back in contact.

        Your website really helped last summer when I was taking sleeping pills and racked with worry despite having a healthy social life and plenty of understanding friends around me. Now your comment has REALLY helped now. NEVER regret the relationship but remember why you broke up! Set goals, do new things, and most importantly put YOURSELF first. Thank you and everyone who puts inspiring comments up!

      • Nicah

        Very nice Eddie thanks.

    • caribbean_kool

      @ moving on. donot reply no matter what… if u guys end up as friends it will ease the pain for the time being but make the healing phenomenon awfully lengthy…

      • Moving_on

        Thanks, caribbean_kool. I think he needs to feel that he's still in control. And if I replied, it'll be allowing him to control the situation. Thanks for reminding me.

  • Lucy

    I broke up with him two weeks ago, I think is the third time we go through this. This is an extremely long and painful story, the only thing I know is that this time I was fighting with all my soul to have him with me, for becoming a real couple, no fears, no hate, just love. I was so stupid! Once I asked him, I beg him that if he didn't really want to try things to work out with me, avoided any contact with me. But he didn't listen and rang and promised that this time everything will be different and I did believe him cause I needed to do so.
    But after one year reality is here. He never meant it seriously. He said he is going to a therapist and that he needs to find what he really wants in life before being with me. He sent the kind of e-mail that ” Moving on” received the other day, saying how much good love I gave to him, asking for being still in contact, for being friends.
    And I did reply! I was so devastated that I thought it would be a good idea and it wasn't at all.
    Now this e-mail is to say thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us, they confort me somehow even though I know I'm such an idiot for replying him.
    Thanks and real love for everyone of you

    • Moving_on

      Hi Lucy, you're not an idiot for replying to him. Hang in there, with everyone's help we can conquer this and be well & truly on our way to healing & recovery.

      • Lucy

        Thank you Moving_on. It is so hard to love someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore! Since I discover this site I feel less lonely but gosh why it is so difficult! I hope time goes fast and happiness come again.

    • Ms K

      I had the very same story but my guy returned to his ex … and forgot to mention this to me. I just found out last Saturday from his sister and am going thru the pain myself…hang in there and I will do the same here :)

  • charliezangel

    This really resonated with me – it reminded me that the guy(s) who have broken my heart never change and all it takes in a little contact for it all to come flooding back (feeling, hurt, attraction, hope, addiction)… i recently stopped blaming myself for pushing him away, you see i have read Christian Carter and know all the things i should do to be the girl a guy would want in his life… but i now know that sometimes, no matter what you do, there are some men who just won't be interested. My last bf was a PUA, we were together for nearly 2 years… it was on and off constantly, i never knew where i stood with him until it he was the one who cut off contact because he couldn't be friends and not constantly cross the line over and over… i should have known better and done it first

    Now i'm more prepared to keep no contact between us more permanent. Even though i don't miss him any more or feel hurt over what he did, i've even forgiven him and i'm moving on and happier for it… i know that all it will take is one look and i'd be right back at square one. Thanks for this post. x

  • ZachGrazy

    Alright, all of a sudden i find my self reading out sites which has no connection to myself what so ever! and now i think to my self, ok.. issues as thus, does prevail in the world! Wait, dont get me wrong as of yet, i am not the kinda guy who lives in a pre historic era.

    Firstly, it really is a great deal of work that Eddie does, to those who are in need. Agreed, and i might some day, may be soon enough, keep on reading this site every night! Cuz, it seems inevitable right now.

    Anyhow, my comment is all about the no contact rule! Rather, it is about AJ's experience. As what i thought, she has not moved on even a bit yet! She thinks for her self, says it to other people, and rather pretends to be happily engaged with that one person! but, is it the truth? has not he(her ex) crossed your minds in your daily thoughts? would he not come up when you go to bed, at the desperate hours without sleep? Had after all, the no contact rule done any good to you? Questions raised! Yes, she'd rather choose to say! but my question being, why then do you choose not to contact him? The no contact rule far as i know only comes in to play, when you want to get over it. And completely forget him. But, would it not be rather ironical from your part to say that you do not contact him, or answer his calls any more? If you have gotten over your break up… if you know you are happy now,,, i find it very ironical from your part to not to answer the calls. Far as i see, the only reason why you make this much of fun out of his calls that you get once in a while compared to the series of calls you gave him, is because, you are afraid that you would fall for that guy again. You'd feel the need back! aren't you? if you are not.. i am sure you'd talk to him.

    Point blank, what is happening now is, you by pretending to be happy, is giving your now engaged guy nothing but the worst! The only thing you can do, to prove not me, or any one else, but rather, yourself wrong, go answer his calls next time he calls you, let him feel how happy you are in your words, do not let that agitation fall in to your voice when you hear 'hello' from the guy, and even after that, if you could say that you have not felt a thing for him… there you have proved… you are happy… and you are keeping your engaged guy happy too!

    I am sorry,if i offended anyone through my words. But, i feel it is rather more challenging, to those who say they have gotten over break up's to talk to their ex, and make sure they still say they are ok, than saying that they are ok, simply by ignoring their contact.

    It is kinda obvious that, AJ, you and me have had some of our best times with our ex'es! therefore, it is not that hard to put them away, but if you are ready for another one, please make sure that you have put them completely out of your desperate minds, and then move on, because, end of the day, we are not just by the person whom we are going out with now, unless we give everything we have to them, a bit more than what we gave to our ex'es!

    because just imagine, if we were that happy when we were with the wrong person, how happy would we be, when we are with the right one?

    Cheers!

    • holdingon1

      The no-contact rule helped her realize she doesn't need to speak with him nor does she ever want to. He repeatedly hurt her and gave her hope and she (AJ) learned that to be happy in her life, he had to be out of it. Complete ties. Ignoring their contact at all (exes) not only lets them know that you're doing better without them, but it also tells them that they don't need you anymore. And that, after a break up like AJ's is the best thing she can do to someone who never wanted to be exclusive after 6 years and then broke it off with her, not caring how she felt and stringing her on for years…

  • Me

    i broke up w my ex two months ago, i feel terrible, today has been hard, i miss him alot i had not felt this anxious in a while, i feel like calling him!! I have not gathered the courage do delete his email adress and although i dont have his number on my new phone, i have it on my old one. I dont know how to deal with moments like this, thats why im writing, i feel so alone!! i have been going out with friends, i had a great long weekend, except on saturday i had a breakdown and cried for about three hours in a row, i couldnt stop i felt like my pain was boundless, i thought it would be easier after a while and is not it is so hard when those waves of pain come,i feel like screaming and crying again it is too painful, i feel like i cant do this anymore, i want to make the pain stop! i want to forget about him or remember him without feeling this sadness!! what is wrong with meee! i love him and i want it to stoppp, there is always something that brings me back, something that trigers this emotions. I feel so sad, so sad. I want him to come back to me.. please!

    • Helen

      I know how you feel exactly. Sad and very hard. But you are not alone.

    • Dan

      Be strong! you know everything will be better soon

      • leirun

        Thank you Dan… i actually was able to overcome that moment,it was pretty hard though… Since then, i've had my moments when i have genuinly felt happy, really, its so weird this whole thing right? One minute you feel good and the next your crying like there is no tommorrow, it is such a rollercoaster. Thank you for your kind words, is good to know we are not alone in this whole thing!

    • Luna

      I'm going though the exact same thing! but find the strength to delete him completely out of your life (phone,email,fb, ect) its hard but its harder when you have the possibility of contacting them. but thanks for sharing it makes it a bit relieving your not the only one feeling the same thing.

      • fuchsia

        its so hard not contacting a person that is giving you mixed signals. not giving hope on us yet he claims that he knows its not going anywhere. i go fine certain hours of days but then at some point i just choke and want to cry my head off just to tell him to please not give up on us.
        stepping outside my house gives me a hard time to breath as everything i ever do reminds me of him. when i see couples walking by shopping or holding hands i get all teary and wish i could have a say in it all.
        i wish i wish that i could move on and find the man that could really be able to make my heart laugh again.

  • Moving_on

    It's been 2 months since our breakup and out of the blue he sends me an sms saying that he still thinks of me, asking how i am and wishing that all is well. I know that I should just ignore this but somehow it's consumed my head all day. I still love him and sometimes wish that we're back together but I know I deserve so much better.

  • Ciara

    Please help! 2 months ago my ex and I broke up after being engaged. I had decided to not contact him as I was pretty much falling into his arms everytime we laid eyes on each other. My best friend answered my phone to my ex today by mistake when she was looking after my mob at work. So I had to talk to him. He said he just fancied a catch up. I called him after my meeting and we spoke for about half an hour. I was cool, calm and collected and it was a nice conversation. I have arranged to pick up my post next week in a bar. I am so excited to see him, but sooooo nervous as I don't want him to hurt me again (ie casual sex wham bam thankyou mam). Any ideas please help!

  • Combat68

    kate, i try so hard not to contact you. When i do its just to wish you well for competitions you are doing. When you reply u keep saying speak soon, and i don't know if you will, or if i should talk as you are not open with your feelings. Its less than 3 weeks since you said it was unfair on me to keep trying to resolve this problem. I've heard you may be seeing someone else, and i want to ask if its true. If it is, i don't want to talk to you, i love you too much. I'm over the pain, had that in the 2 months when i tried to be something i'm not, trying to get you back. Now i've found myself again, and i'm happy. I want you happy, know you would be if yo tried again. But if you could be seeing someone else, better that we have no contact ever, and i love you enough to give you that. I want to ask you so much, but i'll guess that would be the very end, whatever the answer. I wish you could understand that a relationship needs both to be open and talking, because then both know the real issues and can work them out. You loved me so much, and i just needed a little time to commit.

  • NINI

    We dated for 6 months!! When we first started dating we used to see each other 2 times a week! Eventually it became less and less and we were seeing each other once every 3 weeks. He would give me excuses when i initiated more contact. During the 6 months he lost his job! I stayed with him through it! He then got a job and used that as an excuse for not seeing me enough! One day i was on his facebook page and checked “like” on one of his friends. That same night he sent me a text message that said “how dare i do that” that he doesnt get into anybodys business and doesnt like people in his business. Mind you that was the beginning of the end! He didnt call or text for 7 days after that! He ignored the text messages that i sent him so i finally sent him an e-mail! Telling him how i felt! He e-mailed me back and told me that he wasnt ready for a serious relationship and since he cared so much for me he knew he wasnt right for me at the moment! That he couldnt have anyone control him or pressure him! He told me that he wanted to stay friends because he didnt want to lose me! Like an idiot i agreed to the friendship part! For the last 2 months we have been texting or talking on the phone daily! But we have not seen each other! Well this last week the texts went from daily to every 4 days! And they became very short! I have been suffering and hurting since the breakup. But agreed to being friends because i still wanted him in my life! He is again on the on-line dating site that we met on! So he has had no problem in moving on with his pathetic life! I finally know that it was a mistake in keeping contact with him! The no-contact rule is the only way to go! I just didnt want to accept it! So today is officialy the first day of no contact!!!!!!!!! Yikes how many more to go? How many when i will not miss him? Or want to talk to him? He is emotionally unavailable! an ass-clown! Ill keep reminding myself!!!!!!!!!

    • Fabrizio

      wow Nini, that guy is a real douchebag.
      You deserve so much better.
      i hope to find someday a girl like you.
      i just broke up with my girlfriend after 7 months. she never used to call me or show interest on my things. she was weird.
      anyways. i wish you the best!

  • Hollyrojas

    I thought I was dating the love of my life. We were friends for a year before we started dating. Each milestone in our relationship was important and done appropriately. We met and had our first date in Chicago when I was living there. Unfortunately, the project I was working on was ending so I decided to move back home to Houston. I wanted nothing more than a friendship and I made it clear that I wanted to remain friends. Little did I know that he was head over heels about me.
    At home, I started getting calls from him at least once a week for about an hour each time. We would talk about everything and anything and just to catch up as best we could. I never thought twice about what his intentions were and I never considered doing long distance. A full year goes by, we hadn’t seen each other, and he persuades me to meet up with him in Vegas for a weekend in the summer with a whole bunch of friends. We met up and as soon as I saw him I knew. I knew that I wanted to be with him and that I had missed him. He revealed to me that he had always wanted a relationship with me and that nothing would make him happier than to be my boyfriend. We told each other that the distance between us would not stop us from being together. I’m a teacher and I had already signed a contract to teach at my school for another year. Right then and there we decided that as soon as I finished the school year I would move in with him in Chicago.
    We were long distance but, we made it work. The year went by and every chance we had we would get on a plane to see each other. We were so happy. We would tell each other “I love you” all the time. He told me the most beautiful things I have ever heard. Hearing him speak so sweetly about me would always make me thank God I was with such a perfect man. I thought I was on my way to permanent happiness. Meaning, that I had met the man I was going to marry and have kids with. He was the perfect boyfriend and the sweetest most thoughtful person I had ever met in my life. Not to mention he has a career and a condo in downtown Chicago. He was ideal.
    I was supposed to move to Chicago in June. But, 3 weeks before I was supposed to move he broke up with me because he said he wasn’t ready for this type of commitment and wanted none of the responsibilities of being in a real relationship. I was devastated and cried nonstop every day. I was hurt to say the least. My dreams of a happy marriage, perfect kids and the perfect man were so quickly taken away from me by the very person that had promised me these same things. I would cry all the time. I was so confused. I put into practice the ‘NO Contact’ rule immediately. (Its worked for me in the past). I was so heartbroken that everything that had to do with him made me cry. So I deleted his phone number, blocked him on facebook, spammed his email address and blocked him on google chat. But, I was desperate and I still loved him and YES I wanted him back.
    So when he did contact me I gave in and started to talk to him again. He told me he wanted me in his life and that maybe he made a mistake and that we can work things out. So he flew me out to Chicago and we had an amazing weekend. He promised he would never do this again and that I was “the One” and that he was going to make it work. He asked me to move in with him in 2 weeks. I gave in and took him back. It was exactly what I wanted and I told myself that everyone made mistakes and that he deserved another chance. As soon as I got home I purchased my ticket to Chicago and was ready to start packing. But, soon after I returned home he did the same thing. He broke up with me over email and told me that I was perfect but that he just isn’t ready for anything serious and that maybe he will never ever be. How could he do this to me? Again?!!!
    I think back now and tell myself, “If you had only stuck to the ‘No Contact’ rule maybe I wouldn’t be so sad still maybe I would’ve been well on my way to being over him. And not gone through the same shit he put me through. But because I talked to him, and let him come back to my life so easily just so that he could lie to me and hurt me all over again, I have to deal with the consequences of putting my life back together again. Something I started to do the first time he broke up with me. I have to start from square one all over again! You see, when someone breaks up with you NO! they don’t deserve a second chance. They’re mind is already made up anything they have to say after is all bullshit. They only care about getting out of something that they don’t want to be a part of anymore. Your feelings don’t matter.
    I’m still hurting but I have to be strong and move on for real this time. And I’m going to do it by never speaking to him again. Because I know that he will contact me at some point but, I am going to be strong and never entertain him by responding back. He doesn’t deserve to hear what I have to say. I learned my lesson. The ‘NO Contact’ rule never fails. You fail yourself by not being strong enough to follow the ‘NO Contact’ rule.

    • Betty

      Well, this is my take on it, and you don't have to agree with it, but maybe it'll help you:

      You might always be wondering later on in your life if he asks for you back, and you don't give into him. You'd be wondering whether or not you made a mistake in not taking back your “ideal guy.”

      I know a guy friend who was very young and he ran away from a committed relationship with a great girl. When he realized what he had done, he asked her to take him back and she wouldn't. That was several years ago, and he still feels bad about it and he still thinks about her from time to time. So guys like that do exist, and sometimes, it would've be nice for them to be given another chance. =(

      So, in letting him back in your life, you really know NOW that he's not the one. You can lead a life with no regrets, knowing that you've tried your best.

    • Franciele Thorpe

      Wow I am going to almost the same situation right now. It hurts so bad. Can you e-mail me so we can talk and maybe you can help me a little..
      Thanks,

      Franciele ( franciele.thorpe@gmail.com)

  • Tsaundra73

    after being married for fifteen years to a man i've known more than half my life, i was dumped for a woman we had met the weekend of our anniversary. i didn't kick him out until the end of january. and six months later i have still been trying to “fix” a marriage that i should have walked out on two years ago. I tried to make everything about him and make him happy and it just wasn't possible. so he has moved on but kept coming back around over and over again. i have finally instituted the no contact rule and it is hard because we have a four year old. but i can do it and he is doing it as well because it had ended up getting violent last week.

  • Lola

    After three months of being apart, I still miss him every day! We have begun to have contact again and I think it's a mistake… We spoke on the phone for about a half an hour the other day about just every day stuff. It was a nice conversation and good to catch up but it left me feeling like I wanted more! He sent a text after that said it was always nice to talk. i replied that I agree.
    He moved to a new place a couple of weeks ago and after our conversation I decided to send the house warming gift I had gotten for him. He sent a “TY…:) very nice” text to me yesterday and now I'm missing him all over again…. I want so badly to call him and to tell him how I feel but I am well aware of how that will go. I will hurt and feel rejected all over again! I don't want that!
    I still don't feel this is completely over, but I will fight with all I have to keep from contacting him again for now. He'll call or text again soon enough and I'll have to make a decision on whether to answer or not.
    Someday, I know he will miss me and regret the fact that he got scared. I'm not sure if I will be here when he does, but I am certain that it will happen.
    Until then I will continue to date and live my life, making plans that do not include the possibility of “us”.

  • Enigma

    : sometimes it takes the breath out of you when you miss an ex so much; sometimes you cry your heart out and wail in pain out of nothing at all.

    But like the saying goes; it's always darkest before dawn. All we can do is hang tight, breathe in and out until we no longer have to remind to do that because we are already ok.

  • LDM

    I just broke up with a guy who I dated for almost 10 months. He deceived me. First he kept texting me, I felt bad, and texted him back, it gave him hope, and continued calling. The more he wanted to fix the problems he created, the more lie he had to tell. Last time he texted, called. I totoally ignored them. It hurts me, but I think I would get hurt more later if I kept him around. In this case I treated him as enemy, and to an enemy, the best revenge is ignore them, disdain them.

  • Fabrizio

    Just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. after 7 months together. i really loved her, i did everything for her and for making her happy, she was everything to me. But she wasnt good to me sometimes, and i didn't feel needed, loved. i mean she loved me but maybe in a strange way. dunno, she never used to call me, invite me to hang out, or show some interest on me and my things. she was always waiting me to call first. i told her that many times, but she'd always tell me “well, thats the way i am”. she never made not a tiny effort to change. so i felt that i wasnt that important to her.
    when i told her that it was over she told me “ok, i respect your decision”. isn't that weird? i was only trying to make her react, so she'd tell me that she wanted to make an effort and change, because she loved me. but instead..she was simply ok with that.
    I won't call her ever again. she probably won't call me either.
    I'm okay, i think i'll be fine in a couple of weeks. it was a hard decision but i know it was the best and i hope to find someone who really loves me someday. love is something beautiful.
    i wish you the best to all, and don't you guys call your ex's! You don't need to beg to anyone for love. you deserve better.

    love you all.

    • kiwigirl

      Hey there Fabrizo, gee thats harsh aye??its fantastic u can c tha light at tha end of tha tunnel..keep ya head up .I love ya last 2 sentences,very inspiring!

  • It's now my life

    This site has helped me through one of the most devestating times in my life. My relationship of 20 years and my marriage of 4 years ended abruptly a week ago when my husband left. He said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own with out the responsibility of anyone else. Because we have a house to sell etc I have to have some contact with him but this time I have kept the emotion out of it. This is the 3rd time in 20 years that he has done this to me and normally I turn into a complete bunny boiler, phoning him all the time, begging him to come back. This time I have made the desperatly hard decission not to do all that. I have realised that all this only did was make him stronger knowing I was in that state. This time I am sure he is stitting there, on his own, wondering what on earth is going on. I have told everybody I know that I am not taking him back this time. I have done this to make it harder for me to break this time. It would be the easiest thing in the world to let him back into my life but I have now asked myself – would it really give me what I want – a happy life? I have realised that I basically let him off all responsibilities and let him pretty much lead his own life in the past all through my fear that saying no would make him leave. I have realised that perhaps it wasn't actully him but just somebody I needed along with the security of my life. I realise that now, now that my life has been taken away from me. We lived a quiet priveledge life – nice house, no shortage of money but he was the major wage earner and my life is going to be very different now. That is why it would be soooo easy for me to let him back in but I have to stay strong. I have to get off the “will he won't he” merry go round. I have to start living my life for me. He does not deserve me. Perhaps because I didn't set realistic boundaries it gave him the green light to cheat on me in the past. Yes, I fogave him this aswell, again all because I didn't think I could cope on my own. I now think (I don't know for sure but I am going to try really hard) I can cope on my own. I realise that he was a stronger person because of my insecutities. After 20 years together I do love him but I can't take him back this time. I have told my family the truth about everything that has happened in the past as I kept it secret from them. He has just made the biggest mistake in his life but he will only realise that in a few weeks time when he tries to contact me as he made a mistake. I have to stay strong until then as it is only after this has happened, after I say no to him, that I will truely be able to move on and take another step towards getting my life back.

    Thanks to everyone who has posted on here and to Ed as I have found his advice “empowering” during this time of complete devestation.

    Good luck to you all, stay stronger.

  • Gizmo

    I broke up with my girlfriend after a 7 year relationship last year in oct.its been a whole year now but i still havent gotten my peace.i feel guilty because it started off as my fault. i was giving her less attention and had started talking to someone else.though i had no intention of leaving her nor did i have any feelings for this new person. but when she found out she just wanted to end the relationship.when i realised how badly things had turned and that i had jeopardized such a long and happy relationship i tried to fix it.i apologized to her showed her how much i loved her did everything i could to tell her how much she means to me.which she did.if only i could go back on my mistake. but she never gave me another chance.she didnt even want to talk things out.for her the relationship was just done.
    i made all the mistakes possible throughout the year. calling her,texting her, trying to meet her,begging her,crying; but nothing worked.she just wanted me to go away.the fact is she had moved on right away.but i was devastated. i just wanted her back in my life.then a few months ago i found out from her friend that shes going out with someone else now and infact shes been going out with him for months now.which means she got interested in somone just 2-3 months after we broke up.and even during that time i was begging her to take me back.
    i went ahead with the no contact rule after i found that out.i didnt contact her for 3 months.then one day when i just couldnt hold it back no more i tried calling her.she never picked up my phone.which made me so angry that she didnt even want to hear my voice after all these years of being with me when all i did was love her during that time.
    while i know that its over and i know i shudnt be thinking about her when shes clearly over me,i just cant get her out of my mind.i still feel that one day she will call me herself and ask me to get back with her. i do miss her. and it hurts me to think she doesnt miss me at all and is happy with someone else.
    i visit this blog everyday read the articles which do make me feel a little better. but im still not out of my rut. and its already been a year.

    • Pebbles

      OMG!!! are you sure you are not my ex, your story is way too familiar, that exactlyl what he did to me, had someone else on the side though he didnt intend to leave me. Its been a year now and shortly after the breakup he was already dating two other ladies. How quickly he replaced me(YES THAT HURTS LIKE HELL) but kept calling and texting and begging though he was busy banging his new love.

      • Luke

        It is crazy how quick your ex can seem to move on. After years of love that fact that such a strong emotion as love can just be turned off so quick is mind boggling to me.
        What hurts too is the thought of how they emotionally let you go while they were still in the relationship before the breakup actually happens, while you remain blissfully unaware and happily plodding along… *sigh*

        It's craziness!

        • EJ

          Hey Luke, just read your post and it struck a chord with me. I realise that I have been plodding along, blissfully unaware that there was an issue. He is standing strong that our 20 year relationship is over and I think he let me go several months ago. This is just what I find so hard to deal with. How can someone I have loved devoutly to the exclussion of all others, even sacrificing family relationships some times, just turn off his love for me?? How can he carry on with out me when I can't with out him. Can anyone explain to me why he will not even discuss with me what went wrong…I just don't understand any of this.

          • Luke

            Hey EJ, Oh I wish I had the answer, I really do.
            It is exactly the same with my ex too. I haven't been in contact with her for a while now but my past attempts to get some kind of explanation or reason as to why she suddenly 'switched off' to me was met with no response or she got angry and refused to answer, accusing me of trying to make her feel guilty for breaking it off.

            Are they afraid the truth will hurt us? Are they scared to admit something to themselves? Was there another person involved secretly? Do they even know why themselves?
            Who knows :/
            Either way, screw her! I'll find someone who is willing to appreciate and respect my feelings to not leave me out to dry, thank you very much.

          • EJ

            Luke, I think you're right….they can't face their guilt. My head is telling me all the right things but my heart is still hanging on in there. I read comments on this site nearly every day. Just for a bit of encouragement that I can get through all this. I realised some thing today… Why am I worried about being alone and if I can cope with it… when I am alone now and coping quite well most days considering! Everything is still really scarey though. I usually dig my heels in at the thought of change and now my whole life is changing. Perhaps that is another lesson I have to learn…embrace change….It may be for the good. EJ

          • Luke

            Change is good.
            Life is so short. Live. :)

      • Gizmo

        No Pebbles i dont think so. I wasnt really unfaithful, or atleast i did not intend to be. I had just become more friendlier with an old friend while i told my gf i needed a little space. God knows what i really wanted. Not like anything happened between me and this other girl. But by the time i realised what i was doing, it was too late. i had already lost the love of my life.
        I read this somewhere which made my heart bleed; “Dont risk something you cant afford to lose”
        That is exactly what I did.

    • patrol_cold

      Omg. Its the carbon copy of my story except for the 7 years long. Other was exactly same. Its been 3 months since things started going wrong and all i did to work out this relationship went in vain. I tried my best to say her sorry but doesn’t work at all. i wonder how the very moment of love can turn out into hatred. I ruined my exams, i haven’t been eating since the day things went bad. All i think about is that someday sometime she would be back but why the hell my mind does not accept the fact that shes gone now and for forever. I am so devastated, broke and full of pain. Gizmo, its been a year and you still feel like that? I am scared. Why does it hurts like hell. After she have done alll that a person could say. She told me it was her mistake to love me, she told me if only she could turn back the time when she never knew me, she would do that. After being treated like a bitch by her. Why still my heart is so addicted to her! Oh god, its bad. Its really very bad. I know i am not the only one here, and whenever i see peoples story i feel so sad. I just want to answer one question to you,” If your seven years of relationship ended just because of this small act, and if you tried your best to convince her and things didn’t go well, ask yourself how strong was your relationship?” Well, dear friend, shes gone now and we cannot do anything about that could we? you have done your best and it was her choice to leave you. what could we do? i know its easy for me to say you but my wound is even more fresh than Yours, it really is so bad Gizmo.
      Well you survived Your first year that’s a heroic act! Congratulation. I dont know much about what you should do but i guess life would be normal soon again. Cause the longer the relationship was the longer it takes for you to be normal again. i hope after few more weeks You would be fine. atleast i will hope that!
      patrol_cold

  • Osh

    Hi every one and Eddie ,
    My one year old boyfriend broke up with me one month ago just before our one year anniversary.
    A week before the breakup he was on vacation telling me that next time our vacation will be together because he misses me so much there. I m divorced in may late and he is divorced too with two kids. This never bothered me as we were almost talking about marriage in time.
    He just changed totally telling me he is confused , he does not feel for me anymore the same way, he does not love me but just cares for me etc the typical thing anyone would say when breaking up. He is in his late thirties and told me he still needs to settle down and may be later he will reassess and if he felt there is a little chance we might get together… Is so humiliating actually that am I side option?
    He said he wants to remain friends and frankly I thought it would be a good idea that we will stay in touch and he might change his feelings and love me again. I am very upset as not for a single second he is out of my mind. We had great time together. He also wanted to get physical after break up which I totally refused to.
    We still hangout like once in a while and although I try to draw the line some way or the other I find my self brining in the relationship question and which spoils his mood again. He just wants to be friends. Each time I see him I feel hurt because he is so casual and I still love him.
    Frankly I called him after the breakup but not to an extend that would make me appear desperate or so. I have been trying to be patient.
    I just want to know if I want him back , is there a chance if I stay in touch with him casually or I should just cut off the contact totally. I am not sure about this. Mostly of the time he initiated the contact.
    But I have noticed since I talked about out relationship he stopped going that.
    If I want him back should I cut off or stay in touch casually?
    Can some one’s feeling change back in love?

  • Analynne

    I’ve in a relationship for almost 11 years since i was 14 now im 25. He always cheated on me and I always got back with him because he did everything and showed me that he love me . He’s family didn’t like me because im american and according to them i don’t have the same values and he stood up for me and always gave me my place as his girlfriend and wife to be. He bought me a ring and everything. Then he moved to another state and for 4 years we tried the long distance thing. I discovered that he had a girlfriend so he sold his business and broke up with her to move back to my city . 4 months later she told him that she is pregnant. I really love him but im tired of everything , the lies the cheating i want to break up for good but i don’t know how to because he is all i ever known and my friends are his friend :”( HELP!

  • sheisamess

    So this is really hard for me and I almost feel on my own, compared to you all, about this whole break up thing because I am the dumper. Tomorrow I am going to start Day 1 of NC and I hope I can do it. To start off with, I broke up with my now ex. Long story short we were going in different paths (long distance), different future goals/plans, the relationship had a lot of baggage (previous cheating on me etc), and I wasn’t happy anymore. So I broke it off last week. I am currently having mixed feelings about the situation (you know, when you can’t decide if you made the right choice or not). This time I am going to stick to my guns and just do it. If I don’t do it now I will never do it! I am very lonely as I have just moved to a new town for summer work and I am going to move again for school in the fall. I find that it is hard to meet people when you are just working, but I am sure I will be fine. I feel like everything will get better and that I need to stop hurting him (and myself) and making him think that I will hold on to him and that we will be together because I don’t think it is the right thing for me and my happiness. I also don’t think that I love myself enough to be in a relationship and that I have a lot of emotional/mental issues that I need to fix/work on. Here is to a long journey to happiness ahead of me! Let’s hope I live through this mess I am in.

  • Vinka Maras

    Is there any story you have that has success at breaking the no-contact rule :D I think it is ok to see both sides :)

    • Lifeissweet

      Eddie himself broke the no contact once, after one month of applying it. Which he regret later because it hurted him like hell and it took away all the progress he made and it took another couple to months to bring him back to the position he was before no contact, but he then realizes the mistake and didn’t make contact any further.
      so he broke the rule once but still got over.

  • Marie

    Today will be my first day of NC, we were together for 13 years, since I was 17- in that much time a lot can happen, I dislike his family, he dislikes mine, and it has become a big problem over the years. We are practically married, have mtg, bills together and about 3 months ago I kicked him out, we were living as roomates it felt and he gave me zero affection. He was deceptive after 11 years together, and I caught him having an emotional affair with his sisters friend, much younger than him. It disgusted me and I lost trust and respect for him. After that happened I completely changed and he was no longer my first priority and he didnt like that. I feel our relationship is beyond repair even though I still love him, its time to move on and stop the contact- hes ignored several of my texts so I basically deleted his # and texts off my phone, I dont have his # memorized so thats a good thing, it is a fairly new number. I would change my phone number but it is my work cell so I can’t. I am trying to remain strong and face reality

  • Ohm1972

    Tonight marks day 2 for me starting the NC rule. We were together off and on for over 8 months. I was strong the first night, he sent me a text right after I told him via email not to contact me. I again stated via text do not contact me unless u are willing to have a relationship. Our reason for breaking up. His narcissistic personality always pulled me in then away. I’m trying so hard not to think of him. I love him but I know this will get better. I’ve deleted his #but I want to text him so badly….. Reading the posts and stories here help. May we all find love!

  • Ohm1972

    Tonight marks day 2 for me starting the NC rule. We were together off and on for over 8 months. I was strong the first night, he sent me a text right after I told him via email not to contact me. I again stated via text do not contact me unless u are willing to have a relationship. Our reason for breaking up. His narcissistic personality always pulled me in then away. I’m trying so hard not to think of him. I love him but I know this will get better. I’ve deleted his #but I want to text him so badly….. Reading the posts and stories here help. May we all find love!

  • Zane365

    my gf of 7 months as recently asked me to give her space,no talking or texting,shes recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and we werent getting on too well mainly because of stress,she still has me as her boyfriend on facebook,but she needs space to determine if she wants to be with me,im confused and hurt,any advice please would be welcome.

  • Kiman Thai

    My friend I understand you completely. I been with my ex for 4 years and even got in engaged. And she started get stress from her job and got manic episode. I was there for her and have sleepless night and take care for her. I love this woman very much. She would blame me for everything and even tried to tell me that I was sick and have Bipolar Disorder. In May of 2011 we got into an argument and she said no more contact and she dumped me. It has been 6 months already now and I have not contact her in anyway. I even disconnected my cell number. We really love each other and during the last 4 years we have broken up so many time. But I was the one that have to be chasing her and get back with her. She would snapped and get angry for days. And its true people with BD is a very addictive. Don’t know why I love her so much and she even starting to make me sick too. Your story really helped me during these hard times. Please stay in touch.