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The Magic Formula For Overcoming A Break-Up Fast

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Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful break up, I noticed a strong shift in different areas of my life. I’d become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved-I was simply able to enjoy life more.

That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn’t sure if the techniques I used would help other break up or divorce victims as well. Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?

That’s when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a break up.

I had a concrete idea how a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their break ups or divorces.

The Interviews

I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.

Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort-with natural lightness. I then especially targeted those, for I was sure that they had some special traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.

My coaching program was born.

Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of break ups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.

Here are the 7 most important traits for overcoming a break up fast:

1. Independency

Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?

Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don’t need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It’s important to realize this.

Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence. This is especially important for housewives, who don’t work outside the home for their living.

2. Having a Life-Goal

Most of the successful break up survivors have a life goal, which is independent from their relationship. This could be a business, a work related career or a success in sports. Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.

It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that’s vital in your life.

3. Mental Control

One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from break ups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.

Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we are able to break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.

Persons who practiced meditation and other mind-controlling techniques before the break up are in a better position to handle this.

4. High Self-Esteem

Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then a separation would of course be a drastic experience for you.

It is very important to develop a natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a break up or divorce.

To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.

5. Having an Extroverted Personality

You can divide mankind in two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.

I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break ups much easier.

They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a break up.

Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is very difficult to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.

6. Being the Action-Type

How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action-solution type, or do you tend to hide yourself away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where the humanity divides in two types.

Of course we all know that it’s better to be a problem solver, unfortunately this doesn’t make it easier. This is a social induced problem, so it’s possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.

The action-type personality suffers much less from break ups or divorces. Taking action drives away fears.

7. Experience in the Dating-Game

“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a relationship break up.

If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game”, then you have a crucial advantage: You don’t have to pose this question to yourself-you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs, when you are ready. You’d know how it’s done.

This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.

Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.

What is the magic formula for overcoming a break up, you might ask?

It is understanding where your personal problems are and reacting upon them. It is developing the traits for surviving a break up or divorce faster and easier.

That’s what I do in my personal coaching.

You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.

You alone have the key for your wellbeing. Use it.

If you need help, I’m there for you.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Stumbleupon. I’d appreciate it. :)

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39 Responses to The Magic Formula For Overcoming A Break-Up Fast

  1. Ed May 1, 2008 at 3:15 am #

    I knew someone out there could help. Thanks it was good to hear from an expert. I am so sad as I write, but I plan to try some meditation.

  2. Geraldine May 8, 2008 at 2:45 am #

    Dear Eddie

    I came to know your website sometime ago but did not have the courage to write as logically – I should already known the answers. But today, I cannot tolerate the pain I am going through I would like to hear from you. Well, at least you havent met me and are more objective than my friends.

    I am seeing a man for almost 10 months. We got together pretty fast and we do have a lot of things in common and share a lot of commonality. The only draw back about him is he is not eligible, he is married to a malay and he is converted. Things got complicated when he has 2 beautiful children – well be it they are adopted that is secondary, it is the nurturing.
    We started out by planning to immigrate to Australia and he was so firm in his decision in leaving his wife and get the divorce done. Well, I cant say he didnt but he has shifted out almost 5 months now and he will see them whenever he can for lunch or dinner.

    Last week, we have a fight and I found out that his intention was to get me converted and be his 2nd wife so that he can still see me and his son. Sadly, I do not agree with that and last night I finally broke down to know that our relationship is coming to an end.

    Look Eddie, it is not I want to fight – but I have sacrifice a lot for this man; I lost my job because of him, I am mentally unsound because of the constant behavior that it seems to make me insecure. He came to me with a total broken heart sharing that his wife had a total different value system and doesnt value other people. Of course I have met up with her a couple of times and that doesnt seems to say she is nice. Eddie, I do not want to go round and witch hunt for I already know what type of person she is and what games she is playing. For instance, she can call her husband out using the excuses of the kids but she can actually use a more genuinely excuse to tell him she wants lunch – that would make me less upset. And she turn to her pity mode where she is sick and unwell.

    Because of all these, I have become very unstable and even my partner notice that he cannot control or not happy with it anymore.

    We finally come to decision to end this but I do need time until I find my support structure back. Eddie, please help me to understand this.. Please help …

  3. Eddie Corbano May 13, 2008 at 8:40 am #

    @ Geraldine

    Please check your e-mail.

  4. afterthebreakup June 24, 2008 at 3:08 pm #

    Eddie, thank you for sharing your hard-won wisdom with us. I believe meditation will help me in the coming days, also.

    She’s leaving me, after 8 years…I wrote her this, please tell me what you think of it:

    After the breakup…eight years…

    My mind is crowded, crowded with doubts and fears and terror, mashed up with regrets and longing. I imagine you feel some of these things in your head, too, mostly confusion, which I understand all too well.

    I never expected our time together to be only endless joy and pleasure. I know that all happiness is balanced by sadness, but I hoped that we would work together to keep the sadness at bay as best we could, while basking in the wonderful times we shared.

    I never expected to be your brother, to be mothered by you. I wanted to share the “driving” of our relationship and our time together with someone I trusted completely to help make the right decisions, someone who I knew enjoyed acting on their own sometimes. I wanted to push you sometimes, and learn from your experiences other times.

    I never expected that indulging your needs for camaraderie and desire for independence would end up being seen as a weakness…that holding you loosely at times somehow was interpreted as unsupportive / uncaring / unloving. I will never see being a taskmaster as part of a loving relationship. You aren’t property…and NO man is worthy of servitude. I worked for (and craved) an immensely deep partnership with you, a partnership where each of us was free to share our strengths AND weaknesses with each other. A partnership with give and take.

    I never expected you to 100% fulfill me…or for you to need me to 100% fulfill you. I want to participate in creating my own happiness, and I bargained that you also would participate in creating (and feeling) your own happiness.

    I understand that you’ve suffered with depression to varying degrees for a long time. It always hurt me to my very core see your pain…I truly felt it inside me whenever you did, both before and while we lived together. But depression is treatable, depression is not impossible to live with and thrive with. Depression does not make you ineligible to conduct a loving relationship with respect and integrity. I always wanted to help you live with your feelings of doubt and confusion that came about as part of your condition. I know I failed at this, but I truly always wanted to help you conquer your depression.

    I also know I have weaknesses, elements of my being that aren’t exactly the very best. You’ve helped me in recent days to recognize and understand some of these, and add them to the list that I already know about. But these shortcomings are part of being a man, part of being human. I do strive to overcome them with varying degrees of success, just as you, too, now face up to parts of your character that can be improved and to the efforts on your part that will be required to make that happen. We both should understand that this is an endless task that will be with us until we reach our graves. Self-improvement is an essential element to the human condition and no one can expect to avoid this task.

    You had a chance to write your note to me over time, and I will take some time to compose my thoughts, as well. I’m sending this to you now, but will add more later.

  5. Eddie Corbano June 29, 2008 at 3:51 pm #

    My heart goes out to you.

    This is a very beautiful letter from a very sensitive man who truly seem to understand the fundamentals of a happy relationship.

    I like it.

    But I have to ask you a uncomfortable question: What is this letter supposed to achieve?

    To get her back, closure, make her a bad conscience?

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side. I’m just no fan of these letters.

    I never recommend that you send your Ex a letter. I recommend writing them, but NEVER send them.

    If you decided to move on and you insist on writing her, then only write that you enjoyed your relationship, that you understand the reasons for the break up and that you just wanted to say “good bye”.

    Everything else is just delaying the healing process.

    Think about it.

    Your friend,
    Eddie

  6. Jeff July 4, 2008 at 4:32 am #

    Not sure what sorts of support books Eddie might offer but here is one I highly recommend!

    This is a book that someone gave to me that has really helped me get over the pain: REBUILDING : When Your Relationship Ends.

    Here is an amazon link:

    Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends

    Please note, this book SEEMS to target divorce situations but it is much better and more far reaching than that. It is for ANY serious breakup. And it not only helps you to understand where you are and your feelings in the process, but it also delves into some of what your EX is going thru too, thier mindset and even some crazy behavior they may be doing or will do (like finding someone new WAY TOO SOON!) and it helps YOU to avoid the same crazy mistake(s) and pitfalls.

    This is a good book to pick up when you get sad or are feeling guilty or all alone. It hits ALL the major break-up issues. This was one of the three major things that helped me get thru my break-up. The second was what the book calls ‘life line friends’ and the third was the whole higher power thing, which for me was my personal faith and connection with God. The book alone though goes a long way and I am guessing you will be very happy that you picked up a copy and started reading.

    Hang in there everyone. Eddie is right. It just takes some time. Read here on his site and get some good books like the one I mention above. Above all LEARN AND GROW from the painful experience. Don’t self-distruct!! I am about 90% through my situation and it does get better. If you really loved someone there will be pain, if not the relationship was not real. You owe it to yourself to really GROW before you embark on a new love relationsip OR even (and this is a long shot) get back with your EX. If you don’t take this time to read this site and books like this, and talk to trusted friends and get some good counseling and mentoring, you may end up right back here with the next person. And that would be horrible. So please.. take your time and get the healing help you need. We are all in this together and I am pulling for you!

  7. Jeff July 7, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    Here is something I came up with that I thinks makes a good illustration of WHY Eddie is right and it takes TIME. I shared this with someone else and thought I’d share it with you all as well.

    When I was a kid my brothers and I used to cut golf balls apart. We’d cut off the white outer shell to reveal the rubber band beneath, which was wound round and round the super ball like center. If you pulled the single strand of rubber band just right it would start to come loose and unwind and the ball would jump around! It was funny to watch and usually took several attempts and a long time to get it all unwound.

    I think serious relationships are that way. I know I have other people lives wound tightly around mine, and it takes a long time to unwind from that. So far I have been unwinding from my last serious one for six months. Sadly enough, my ex-gf does not see it this way or is so eager to cover her pain that she does not care. She unwound a bit of me, but maybe only like a quarter or so of the rubber band. Now she is winding a new person in there (rebound) and mixing him in among me. I can’t help think that won’t eventually cause problems or some messes or friction between the bands in the future. Her ex husband is wound tightly in there still (she has holy wars with him on a near weekly basis).

    I am trying to ‘look and learn’ and not repeat. I think everyone needs to make sure they have unwound as much as they honestly can, to make the next relationship successful. Winding in new bands over top the old, then trying to glue the white shell back on to cover the mess just leads to lumpy and bumpy balls that do not roll or work right. Better to take time.

    One day, if you do it right and take the time you need your relationship may ‘normalize’. This does not mean you will be buddies or go to the movies or talk on the phone or chat or email each other. What this means is that in the rare occasions when you run into each other (at work, out in the community, etc.) you will be able to smile and not look away, or even briefly talk or just say ‘hi!’ and wave. This shows you have grown and are really ready for another relationship. The sorrow and hate and anger have been swollowed up (or burned in the ashes of forgiveness) and it is an amazing thing.

    Today my ex-gf asked me for some headshots (I love photography and run my own side biz) for her resume. Guess what? I told her OK and sent her some! That was thankful. It was very theraputic. I was able to look at the old pictures of her and smile, recalling old times. A month or so ago I would not have been able to do that. That shows me we are normalizing. I sent her the pictures she wanted, did not include any lovey dovey ones of us, and did not cry or obsess. Yes, I still felt some love as I sorted the images trying to find what she might need; but you know what? That means our love was real; right or wrong. Normalizing means you still care, still love; but it also means you have allowed enough time to let go. And that you did not try to put another person over the pain to act as a bandaid.

    Sorry for another novel here folks, but I had to share in hopes of being able to do as Eddie does, and help others. Hang in there!!

  8. Eddie Corbano July 8, 2008 at 7:10 am #

    Hi Jeff,

    Excellent point and a very good metaphor.

    We have to realize that the pain from which we are suffering is caused by ourselves alone, not by our Exes. If we identify and work on these causes (which takes time of course) the pain will disappear, and we will have much healthier relationships.

    If we take the shortcut, as you call it a “band-aid”, then we will have the same problem over and over again.

    Eddie

  9. sheela July 31, 2008 at 5:10 am #

    hi jeff,
    thank you for replying on my post…ireally need friends right now because im away from my family,i have nobody to turn to.its good that eddie made this site for people like us who experienced heart break…thanks so much jeff

  10. Jeff August 3, 2008 at 9:06 pm #

    You are very welcome Sheela. I know how it feels to think you are all alone. I have no idea where you live or what your situation is but try hard to not be alone. You have to find some life-line type of friends to talk to about this. On-line can help but you need someone who can look you in the eye, smile at you, give you a pat on the back, hand on the shoulder or even a hug so you know you are still a desirable person to have as a friend and have value in other people’s lives. If you go to school or work at a company that provides insurance you can often get free or low cost counseling. Same if you can find a church. Also joining a local club or organization of some sort will get you out with people. Even if you cannot tell all your problems to strangers right away, just being with people, reaching out to others, is so much better than sitting home alone in silence. Have some fun to take your mind off your troubles! You are not trying to deny the pain, but you do need a mental break from it! Make some new friends. Then you will have people to call when you are feeling low. Avoid bars or places where people drink alcohol. I think it is better to have people who are sober to talk to, who might actually remember talking to you. Also try to hang out with a variety of folks and try to not just hang out with others who are hurting. You need uplifting people right now. Not to say you can’t do some cool volunteer work to help others, just try to help them in areas you are not overwhelmed in yourself now.

    Hang in there Sheela! Nice talking with you here.

  11. Eddie Corbano August 4, 2008 at 5:24 am #

    @ Jeff

    Excellent advice. Thanks for helping out :) .

    I have made the observation that it is sometimes easier to open up when talking to a stranger. This could be a counselor or therapist.

    Journaling is also a good way when there is nobody to talk to.

    Hang in there guys, your pain won’t last forever… I promise!

    Eddie

  12. Mayur August 14, 2008 at 5:34 pm #

    Eddie!

    I want to jump on the plane and come to you.. Just to give you a five. Just to see you in real and feel you and be in the aura that is around you. I am feeling so free and light, just being on your portal (which is like periphery of the aura around you) I am glued to your website since morning.. whole day long. Jumping from link to link between work.

    I am feeling very much out of the abyss(1) that i was when i woke up this morning (i hardly slept in last 3 months. waking up is finally getting out of bed – some how)

    She finally left me on 26th June. In last 45 days, i experienced extremes. The worst-worst of pain. Crying with whole body but tears. Sleepless nights and hopeless days. It was a long distance relationship (wow – i could say it was!!!) and she went back to Russia(saying it was almost to never return) I am in India. She was still in touch with me for first 3 weeks. But it was only after she stopped any communication with me, that i started hearing some one else inside me!! it was ME. The real me. My true true self. I had few strong moments in this worst patch. One was when i read something very very interesting on a billboard -

    ‘Going got so tough, so tough,
    that the tough got going’

    I thought for a second over what i read just for a fraction of second as i read it while traveling on a bus. I was laughing the next moment. I felt then like how i am feeling now. The difference is that it didn’t last long then and its more sustainable and lasting state after you Eddie. Thanks.

    I also visited book store, several times in these days and co-incidentally found a highly inspiring movie called -

    Jonathan Livingston Seagull

    The bigger co-incidence was that she is a great fan of Richard Bach and it was her who introduced me to him and his books. She wanted me to read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I never did. But i finally watched this film based on the book – Just like that.

    Now, As i once again, stand under the knowledge that ‘only i am responsible for my happiness and sorrows’, i am able to look back on the past and our relationship. I am able to forgive myself and her and rejoice our beautiful beautiful relationship. No anger, No hatred, No Ego, No fear, No worries, No PAIN.

    Before you Eddie, i spent hours reading websites selling books relationships and tips on how to get them back and blah blah.. but what you know and share here is so genuine, self-less and vital. I realized that 3 years ago, before i met her – i was on my own. I was the bringer of joy to me. I was a free spirit. You helped me to re-connect to that ME.

    Why was I feeling so hopeless?? Why I started thinking that I will never never never be happy again – except only if she came back??? why did I limit myself??? How comes I forgot that I was a person on my own whom she was pulled to in the first place and that that i can be the same old me – WITHOUT HER??

    This realization alone is giving me so much hope for tomorrow – with her or with out her.

    I must say one thing here – I realized that she had more insight and in-depth understanding about relationships. She tried her best to make me understand, but i didn’t until it was too late. I was being told things of wisdom by her and things that she thought would help me and her and US for better future. But she was leaving and this alone had shaken me – devastated me that i was not eligible to receive any wisdom any more. I went schizofrenic. I suffered from bipolar disorder.

    I pictured that stage as if a string of guitar was twanged hard and then it was making a spectrum the string oscillating either sides.. negative – positive – negative – positive – many in one. Illusory but real. Real but illusory. And it would continue to be in this state until it finally calmed down to its original being. Which it will eventually. So i think by nature, we are meant to be peaceful, happy, idle. It is this external twanging that makes us oscillate and the harder the twang, greater the time taken to regain idle state and louder the noise.

    I remember that idle and peaceful original state which i need to reach.

    I feel so much closer to that original being position – NOW. Now, i can smile a smile that is lasting.

    I think it is really a good time once again in my life, time to be burnt out and reborn. I can see light at the end of my tunnel. Eddie… thank you so much.

    I can go on and on and on about so many experiences and mental stages that i had been through. But i realize this is not the place. I will write everything everything to you Eddie, in a separate mail. My past experiences will be like pages of a book – something so precious.

    I had begun to unwind, break free and bounce back. In the process i met you and i am in the top gear now. Like those 0-120 in 4 seconds thrill rides.

    All the quotes, songs, book/movie recommendations on your website are just so good. Each one like another step towards freedom. Ultimate Freedom.

    Eddie. I will see you one day.

  13. Eddie Corbano August 15, 2008 at 10:20 am #

    @Mayur

    Wow, what a comment :) .

    Mayur, come to Europe and I’ll buy you a beer! Thank you for your kind words and the vivid and inspiring description of your healing process.

    I feel the pain you’ve been through.

    It is a good thing that she moved to Russia permanently, this will make it easier for you. My major problem back then was that she was always around, me in constant fear to meet her.

    Originally Posted By Mayur
    Why was I feeling so hopeless?? Why I started thinking that I will never never never be happy again – except only if she came back??? why did I limit myself??? How comes I forgot that I was a person on my own whom she was pulled to in the first place and that that i can be the same old me – WITHOUT HER??

    This is an important realization, every healing lies within it. See that you cling to it, like a lifebelt.

    In my experience the healing process has ups and downs. So if you feeling euphoric today, you might feel bad tomorrow.

    Know that and don’t allow that it get you down. It’s 10 steps forward and 3 steps back. That’s the game.

    Originally Posted By Mayur
    It is this external twanging that makes us oscillate and the harder the twang, greater the time taken to regain idle state and louder the noise.

    … and the stronger we ultimately get!

    Hang in there my friend!

    • Sarah August 2, 2010 at 9:18 am #

      “In my experience the healing process has ups and downs. So if you feeling euphoric today, you might feel bad tomorrow.

      Know that and don’t allow that it get you down. It’s 10 steps forward and 3 steps back. That’s the game.”

      This is so true. Trying so hard to cope with this ups and downs emotion too. Now i know this is just a game and that im going to play it right. Thanks for this realization.

  14. Mayur August 15, 2008 at 2:23 pm #

    On reading through your response, i felt a highly relieving surge run through out my body. I observed it. It was like a fountain that opened in my head and then showered down through my body. My mom came by in a while and i made her sit by my side and read out our communication to her (translated) it doubled up what i achieved. I felt what i thought, i wrote what i felt. Then read you. Then read it both loud. LOUD reading was so much more uplifting. She was overwhelmed and glad for me. She says thanks to you. She wants to watch ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’ with family – tomorrow!

    I am also going to repeat it with my dad and i plan to show them both – the last lecture video and read them wonderful wonderful stories from you. Like – Jerry’s and of the Butterfly from your cousin.

    Where in Europe, Eddie?

  15. afterthebreakup August 15, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    Eddie, I’m sorry I missed your response to my message back on June 29. Thank you very much for your thoughtful words.

    As to why I wrote that note, at that time I felt stymied that I couldn’t communicate all that was in my head. I sent it to her just before I posted it here.

    The breakup was a real shock to me…I probably should add some context regarding where I was coming from when I wrote the note I posted here…

    My ex had been contemplating our relationship issues for the last 6 – 9 months before, both privately and with a therapist on her own. I understood her therapy to be more focused on her depression, but they discussed issues she had with me, as well. Her long-held concerns regarding our relationship were, to a great extent, a surprise to me…she’d never shared those feelings with me.

    She’d kept a draft email for quite a while, jotting down thoughts on her own and from her therapy session…she finally shared that with me AFTER she told me we were over. She wrote, “I guess I should have sent it last year.” Her note was written over time, with lots of “ifs”, “nevers”, “I knows”, “I wonders”. When she shared the note with me, she wrote, “I have no more secrets, so I needn’t tell you any more lies or half-truths anymore.”

    I think it was her way of cementing in my mind that this wasn’t an out-of-the blue decision on her part.

    She went straight from “our” relationship to a new one, moving directly from “our” place to a new co-habitation arrangement with another man. I’d been telling her how that made me feel that she just went out and fell for someone and decided to discard me. But she expressed to me that “he” was not the cause, that our relationship had been waning on its own.

    I was very disappointed that we never had a chance to (try to) preserve our relationship (at least I felt that way).

    In that context, I felt I needed to get my thoughts down in writing. I felt lost and disoriented.

    So there’s the why, and I’m glad you asked that question.

    Fast-forwarding to today, 6 weeks later, she’s recently moved out, her new beau has moved to our city, moved in with her (left his wife of 19 years). She and I are ‘somewhat” in touch, but I have made my peace with the fact that our romantic relationship is in the past and will remain that way. We are “normalizing,” I hope.

    I’m on my own now, but have thrown myself into a very happy social scene. I am healing and taking your words to heart. Yes, there are “ups and downs,” but I feel strongly that I am moving in the right direction, that I am getting better.

    Eddie, thank you so much for your guidance and for engaging with us.

    And, to those reading here, in the depths of despair, in confusion, at a loss for how to go one, I can promise you Eddie is right…you will get better, you will heal, you will be happy again. I know it is hard, but you will get there!

    Cheers to all.

    @Eddie Corbano

  16. Kari July 2, 2009 at 11:26 am #

    Dear Eddie,

    I am 20 years old.I read the posts above and realised that I do need to focus on my life goals and accept that I am the cause of my own unhapiness. However, I find it really difficult to understand alot of things that my ex did. I actually knew him for a long time, but during the summer vacations when i went back home to visit my parents i spent a lot of time with him and eventually grew to like him and den love him. After I moved back to Australia we kind of started dating and we would speak everyday. One fine day he jus said he was busy and from then on he kept saying he was busy and stopped talkin to me all so randomly. It was really hard for me because I had my exams that time. I would call and message and email and he wouldnt pick up my calls or reply. Then one day he said he was sorry. However I still dont know why he did all this. When I asked him before the break up why he changed he would jus go offline without replying. I am on ma vacations right now and sometimes i get very tempted to call him. He speaks to me normally. But wen i text him saying sorry or anythin he doesnt reply. It hurts me alot. I still dont know what went wrong. I have my results coming out in a weeks time and I am really scared that i might fail and I tend to start thinkin about everythin that happened between me and him each time i think about my results. I do not understand what I should do.I really feel I need to know y he behaved this way after givin me the hopes of being together forever, but i know that if i ask him wen i call he will either hang up or not pick up. Also because i have nothin to do in the holidays as its always raining i cant go out and I dont have a job I tend to sit at home the whole day and think about wat happened and why all this happened. It hurts me alot because its happened the second time. The first time i dated a guy was for 3 years and after 2 years i thot may b i was ready to date again. Do you feel I still need to know y he changed all off a sudden? I dont know how i should deal with this.

    Thanks

  17. Jeff July 9, 2009 at 1:04 am #

    Hey Kari,

    I have found that sometimes really nice people get ‘stuck’ with not so nice people. It is not that they have necessarily changed, it may be, that with time, the real THEM comes out. Trust me, you sound like a very nice girl with lots of love to give. SOMEONE will come along one day and get you and tell you how lucky they are to have found you. I am about twice your age and I can tell you that with time (not to be critical of your age, no way) but with time people often come to mature and realize a good thing a lot faster. Not sure how old your EX is, but I do think that girls often do mature faster than guys so if he is your age, he might have the mental and relational maturity of a 13 year old which is not cool, but better to find that out now instead of going together for years and then him showing his immaturity when you have fallen even deeper in love.

    I wish the best for you. Please keep us all posted to how it goes. If you can move on to a mature man (mentally mature at least) I think you will be a happy lady! :-)

  18. Brian September 3, 2009 at 1:23 am #

    Thanks for this site Eddie! I was just dumped by a girl after 5 months of going out and this was very comforting to find.

    I still feel pain and break down often and just want it to stop. I know it will eventually and I will follow these steps but I think the most messed up things and just go crazy sometimes. I think about her dating another guy or sleeping with a guy often. That on top of the anxiety in your chest of missing them dearly. Is it normal to think those things after just breaking up? For some reason I fear of hearing she’s met someone else or slept with someone else or is just happy with someone else. It just makes me go crazy sometimes.

    I met her 5 months ago and I was the first guy she has dated since losing her husband in a rafting accident 2 years ago. They were together for 13 years and have 2 beautiful little boys together (which also makes it so tough to leave them too). She ended it because she said she wasnt ready even though we connected so well together. Hung out all the time, I stayed over sometimes 4 nights a week and even took the kids on a trip together. I know she was still hurting inside and could never promise me a real relationship. But it just felt better than anything I’ve had before and she never left my arms when we were together.

    I dont want to think this but I guess I was the rebound guy and that bothers me too. So much. Is all this jealousy, insecurity normal after a break-up? Am I just crazy? And how come I hurt more after this than I did when I ended it with my fiancee 3 years ago.

    If anything this helped me to vent my hurt and frustration. Thanks Eddie for this site and I will read it everyday to help me get better.

  19. Jonny December 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm #

    Getting over a breakup?
    If you are a man, it is very easy. Just release one of our basic instincts, aggressiveness and use it to improve yourself as a person.
    Go to a gym, train your ass off. I’m talking about boxing, kick-boxing, krav maga, anything. When I say train your ass off I mean go train at least 5 to 6 times a week and 1 or 2 times in a day.

    Be a fighter, don’t give up…NEVER GIVE UP, IT’S NOT AN OPTION.
    Even when your beaten down, tired, physically hurt or in pain, forget all of this with another workout. Do it over and over and over again, and when you realize, you will be watching what happened to you from an outside angle.
    Go search your guts for courage, energy, rage, anger or get it from anywhere, any reference at all and use it. Use it all, day after day, workout after workout.
    This is my advice to you.
    Don’t waste it.

  20. George January 2, 2010 at 7:34 pm #

    Eddie,
    Thanks for creating this site, it really helps to point out the importance of reflection and self improvement as a means of overcoming emotional adversity. Sometimes it can be very difficult to move on, especially when there are feelings of things left unsaid and undone. This is even more difficult to deal with when you realize that your ex has moved on and is in another relationship, and not necessarily in a “rebound” but perhaps in one with more meaning. We tell ourselves that what happened is for the best, and sometimes we’re even happy for our exes, and for ourselves momentarily… but we are victims of our selective memories and tend to dwell on all the good times, forgetting altogether the truths of our situation. Many times it is a factor of our low self-esteem, and perhaps deeper psychological patterns. Refocusing our energy on ourselves rather than mulling over the what-if’s is absolutely the key to recovering. It’s easier said than done, but it all comes down to will power, and the strength of ones desire to not only survive, but to thrive.

  21. Marcie February 7, 2010 at 8:16 pm #

    Its been two and a half months since my 24 year relationship with my partner ended. I have not seen or heard from her since November 23rd when she attempted suicide. I have been trying to move on but every day has been difficult for me. I can’t seem to get her face or all of the memories out of my head. I knew things were getting bad between us about a year before the split but didn’t know where it was coming from. I went to counseling, as did she, (seperate) but it didn’t work. We owned the house together so we continued to live there but apart. During that time she kept trying to talk to me saying she was sorry and “didn’t know” what she was doing and that she was confused? She said she didn’t want to hurt me. I guess the straw that broke the camels back was when she told me she wasnt sure if she was gay anymore. After 24 yrs? I guess you could say I ended it and told her so. She said she didnt know if she wanted it to end and “if I had just “sucked it up” and stood by her we could have gotten through this. I could not do that. Her statement hurt me too much to do that. That is when she attempted to hurt herself. Before she was released from the hospital I put my things into storage and left. The wonder of if I did stick by her would it have worked out haunts me daily. I am confused as to how to move on..

    Did I make a mistake by leaving..could i have gotten past her “confusion”? I’m not sure to this day. As i said i have been keeping the no contact rule in place, for my own mental health. The other day I was in my car and when i looked in my rearview mirror she was right behind me. When i stopped at a red light she pulled from behind me to along side of me but i looked the other way and then drove off. She does not know my new cell number or where i’m living but does know where i work and my work number. Somedays i find myself wishing she would and wondering why she has not tried to contact me. Friends and co-workers tell me she will one day, as “no one can let 24 yrs end without some kind of contact even for closure”. I find myself wishing i could go back in time and redo things. Other times I find myself just trying to move on…Either way its hard. I am looking for something but i’m not sure what it is…I read ur site and newsletters from my e-mail daily looking for strength…I just feel so lost and alone..

    • Eddie Corbano February 8, 2010 at 8:18 am #

      Dearest Marcie,

      My heart goes out to you, I can truly feel your pain.

      I want you to know that you are NOT alone, I am here for you and every breakup survivor on this community will stand by your side.

      When you think that the pain is unbearable then just post here. We’re here to help.

      Your friend,
      Eddie

  22. Alexis February 10, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

    Eddie,

    I dated a guy for about 6 months. We had an interesting relationship. Trust was hard on all of our parts. We took a break about a month ago and I hadn’t heard a word from him since. Then he came back last night and told me he wanted to be friends. That he still loved me. The month we were apart, I hurt myself. I stopped eating, sleeping less and so on and so forth. About 2 weeks ago I met some one and we clicked. He was fun to be with and such. We ended up sleeping together. I broke it off today as I didn’t feel like it was going anywhere. I told the Mr. “I’m on a break” That I didn’t sleep with the other guy when I did. Now I hurt him and I’m hurting myself more. I fear that it will finally be over. As I write this, tears are pouring out of my eyes. I’ve been reading through your site and getting some tips. Hopefully I’ll apply them soon. This guy was my everything. Between he and my son, I felt whole. But now I feel like I’ve lost something and he hasn’t even said it’s over. I am younger then most on here. But I am hoping your advice helps. Because as of now I am at a loss for what to do. So I decided to google and I found your site.

  23. mayra February 13, 2010 at 12:34 am #

    eddie,
    i was looking online for healthy ways to get over a break up and i found this website. its amazing to finally find people that are going through similar things as i am. i would like to tell you my situation in hope that you could shead some light in all this turmoil i am going thorugh. i dated a guy for two and a half years. he had been my friend before that and i thought i knew him well. Things started off extremely fast. fast enough to say that he started to move in with me litle by little until it was official. Being a girl coming from a divorced family i have always placed strong importance on the unity of two individuals. anyway, we lived together for all this time and i found him cheating three times. he would apologize and tell me he would never do it again so stupid me i would give him another chance. he even tattoed my name on his arm as a promise that he would never do it again and that he loved me. for the past month we have been split up because someone lied to him and told him that i had cheated which was a true lie. when he heard that he went on and started dating another girl from work. i found him at the movies by pure luck with her and i decided to move out the next day. after that he kept telling me he loved and that he was sorry. i decided to forgive him and try to work things out, however, it only lasted less than a week. i recently have been receiving emails from him since i changed my number telling me that he misses me and loves me yet that all!!! if he loved me he would have looked for me right or make things work? we both love about 10 minutes away now and he knows where to find me. two days ago i fould out he bought his new girlfriend a nice valentines gift. i guess my question is… everyone keeps telling me that he will be sorry and regret all hes doing to me. people tell me that he made a big mistake by dating someone so fast is that true? i havent been able to be with anyone becuase i feel that i need to deal with this breakup before i start seeing anyone. people that know him and me also say that he will regret all hes doing because we lived together and had a life together. what do you think? is it possible to move on that fast and never look back? i have been crying my eyes out and i just want to think that he hasnt forgotten all we had and that he is hurting as much as i am.

  24. Marcie February 21, 2010 at 3:02 am #

    I lasted posted on 2/7/10. I am still faithfully maintaining the “no contact” rule. It’s been 3 months so far since the break up. Why do I keep thinking about her and “our” life we had before. There are days when I only “relapse” a few times a day and then other day’s it feels like I think about the past all day long. I feel like I am loosing my mind. I know the wounds are still fresh and 24 years together is going to be hard to “get over” but I find myself wishing the days to go by quicker just so I will be that much farther removed from the break up. Then I think why should I do that, I am just wishing my life to go by faster without me!!! It’s crazy thinking!!! I go to the gym just about every day, since September, the same gym. Four days ago I went to my gym and guess who was there? Yep. Why was she there? I know she goes to another gym and doesn’t belong to mine! I maintained the “no contact” rule and did no even look her way. I could see her looking at me and kept running through my head what would I say or what would I do if she came up to me. She never did and left before me. I found myself feeling sad that she didn’t attempt to talk to me. Is this normal? Now every time I go to the gym I hope she is there? Am I going crazy? Am I a glutton for punishment? I really need some help here, please?????

  25. Eddie Corbano March 9, 2010 at 7:45 am #

    Hi Marcie,

    I know this is THE nightmare scenario for everyone who is maintaining no-contact, to accidentally bump into your Ex. What should you do, what should you say?

    You did the best thing you can do in this situation. If you are NOT ready to face the Ex, then don’t do it. Ignore them. So you did good.

    Resist the urge to over-analyze the situation and just keep going. It really isn’t important why she was there and why she didn’t try to talk to you. The only thing that is important is that you keep hanging in there.

    “Continual mental reasoning” is a very normal reaction in the first months which you can only oppose with meditation and distraction. I know it’s very tough, but it will be easier.

    This whole process is basically two steps forward and one step back. Just keep moving forward.

    Eddie

    P.S.: Don’t you stop going to the gym, this is a great way to exercise “physical meditation”.

  26. Kevin March 12, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    @Jeff – I am 18 and me and my ex broke up about a month ago. We had a more serious relationship then most people our age, which initially was a mistake(but now that it’s over I’m glad it happened). We met when we were 15 and instantly fell into a serious relationship( which was based on need, since we were both insecure, unhappy people who found happiness and purpose within each other) after 7 months i had to move, so we decided that we would do long distance. after two years of long distance i moved back to the city and we moved in together, after I graduated. I’m beginning to realize that what got us through long distance wasn’t our love, or our strong bond, but it was our fear of losing happiness and purpose. As for me, even when we met, i didn’t develop feelings for her until i heard she liked me and heard the things she said about me. Anyway what i am trying to get at, is i’m learning that i need more purpose in my life than just a girl, and that only I ccan make myself happy. So now im really confused about relationships. I feel almost as if wanting to be in a relationship is wrong. My only experience with love was based off need. so, now i don;t know why i would want to be in a relationship if i can make myself feel happy. I’m really confused. Even after putting a 3 year relationship under my belt, i still have no idea what love is.

  27. gelaine April 4, 2010 at 11:13 pm #

    Hello. Please help me. Im 18 years old and i don’t know what to do. I don’t feel happy now, I have depression and I think my partner is the only solution to my problem. I don’t have self confidence anymore because of what happened, I tried to convince him to come back to me and he rejected me for three times. He was also the friend of my bestfriend. But the problem is, my bestfriend and him are close leaving me behind. I love this guy, and i just don’t treat him as a boyfriend, but as a brother as well, i accepted all his flaws and imperfections and i think im going crazy because i can’t believe that He’s gone. After all the good things he had shown me, It’s hard for me to trust again. I don’t want another guy anymore. Even though there are many guys out there, it’s him that I always wanted. it’s like an addiction. We have not sex yet but I don’t know why Im so attached to this person. I love him more than myself and my parents. sounds crazy but true, Im thinking that maybe, he hypnotizes me or something. I really don’t know. I think I’ll be single forever. please help me. I want to be happy. I think Im dead already like i dont have emotions anymore to trust and love. What can I do to forget this person, have a life, and enjoy my life.
    Thank you!

  28. Paulina April 7, 2010 at 12:34 am #

    I’m going through Day 4 of a break up. We were together for over a year, pretty much lived together. We met eachothers parents, had many mutual friends..everything. I met him while I was ending a 4 year relationship with my ex, so I never really had the chance to “be alone”. Now that I am “alone”, I feel awful. I’m feeling like I need to find another man, QUICK. I’m scared, lost, confused, desperate to contact him every day telling him “I miss him”. Let me say first of all, that I’ve never in my adult life been alone (I am 23).

    We broke things off because the relationship was just sour. Mostly due to my personal mistakes and bad habits. I was very negative, mean, moody, irritable, etc. Due to my old (abusive and dramatic) relationship, I somewhat got addicted to the drama, and everytime things were fine in my new one, I started a fight for no reason, I was mean, etc.

    Anyway, reading many of these articles is helping me cope. It’s hard for me to look foward, because all I want is him. But I know I need to learn to be alone, and love myself.

    Let’s hope I can do that.

    • Courtney June 9, 2010 at 8:31 am #

      Hi Paulina,
      I'm just finishing day 1 of the break up. Like you, I haven't been alone for a very long time, and dated him for 2 years. I feel scared and desperate and have a constant pain and ache and like I need another man to love and feel needed. I totally know how you feel, and the articles are starting to make sense. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and I miss him too.

    • Laura January 18, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

      Hi Pauline,

      Day 6 or 7, feeling the same way as you. You’re not alone but we will all get through this

  29. niev April 19, 2010 at 5:44 pm #

    i had relation ship 4 almost 7years 9months… the last maybe around 7-8 months … she starts picking fights in everything i do. eventually get what she wanted… now it already 2n half years passed… i had worst times of my life.. everything falls apart. i can wake up… get to sleep… get things done… i became alcoholic… and thats for almost 2 years and finally i manage to get things on track… and can focus again but i manage to do that after i decide that i’ll always love her .. whatever it is… i dunno weather what i doin ius rite or wrong but 1 thing i know is even though it’s 1 way but some part of my self remain strong and i can life… 2 day it’s impossible 4 me even to think of being with another person… thats all … nothing much i can add.

  30. manal May 27, 2010 at 9:56 am #

    hi. i broke up with my ex cuz he think i am immature. i cut my vein for him but it didnt matter to him. he says he cant take my drama anymore. i used to start crying on ever little thing. i started cutting my self. i knw alll dat was ahyt. i wnt him bck. he says no matter what happens he wpnt come bck. i promise to change my self. he is my world. plz tell me what to do? how can i get him bck

    • Malchik June 15, 2010 at 3:34 am #

      Hi, Manal.

      The very first thing I'd like to tell you that there is no such a man in the whole world that it's worth of cutting yourself over him. The second, you won't accomplish what you want by doing so. It's quite opposite. It'll make him run from you. Sweetie, let him go even if it's so hard for you. If it's yours, it'll come back to you. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Learn loving yourself and respecting yourself.

  31. maryam July 27, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

    i had a relationship with a guy for 7 months. after 4 monthes we started to fight for everything and last week he said he cant handle these all fights and left me. i feel terrible and i think a;; of it was my fault.
    by reading these articles im feeling so much better.
    thank you Eddie.
    by the way im from Iran

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