Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful breakup, I noticed a substantial shift in different areas of my life. I'd become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved-I was simply able to enjoy life more.
That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn't sure if the techniques I used would help another breakup or divorce victims as well. Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?
That's when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a breakup.
I had a concrete idea of how a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their breakups or divorces.
The Interviews
I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally, with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.
Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort … with natural lightness. I then primarily targeted those, for I was sure that they had some unique traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.
My coaching program was born.
Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of breakups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.
Here are the 7 most important traits for overcoming a break up fast:
1. Independency
Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?
Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don't need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It's important to realize this.
Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence …Â especially important for housewives, who don't work outside the home for their living.
2. Having a Life-Goal
Most of the successful breakup survivors have a life goal, which is independent of their relationship. This could be a business, a work-related career or a success in sports.
Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.
It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that's vital in your life.
3. Mental Control
One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from breakups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.
Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we can break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.
Persons who practiced meditation and other mental-control techniques before the break up are in a better position to handle this.
4. High Self-Esteem
Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then separation would, of course, be a drastic experience for you.
It is critical to develop natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a breakup or divorce.
To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.
5. Having an Extroverted Personality
You can divide humanity into two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.
I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break-ups much easier.
They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a breakup.
Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is tough to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.
6. Being the Action-Type
How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action solution type, or do you tend to hide away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where humanity divides into two types.
Of course, we all know that it's better to be a problem solver. Unfortunately, this doesn't make it easier. This is a socially induced problem, so it's possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.
The action-type personality suffers much less from breakups. Taking action drives away fears.
7. Experience in the Dating-Game
“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a relationship breakup.
If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game,” then you have a crucial advantage: You don't have to pose this question to yourself … you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs when you are ready. You'd know how it's done.
This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.
Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.
What is the magic formula for overcoming a breakup, you might ask?
It's understanding where your personal problems are and reacting to them. It is developing the traits for surviving faster and easier.
That's what I do in my personal coaching.
You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.
You alone have the key to your well-being. Use it.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Eddie,
Thanks for creating this site, it really helps to point out the importance of reflection and self improvement as a means of overcoming emotional adversity. Sometimes it can be very difficult to move on, especially when there are feelings of things left unsaid and undone. This is even more difficult to deal with when you realize that your ex has moved on and is in another relationship, and not necessarily in a “rebound” but perhaps in one with more meaning. We tell ourselves that what happened is for the best, and sometimes we’re even happy for our exes, and for ourselves momentarily… but we are victims of our selective memories and tend to dwell on all the good times, forgetting altogether the truths of our situation. Many times it is a factor of our low self-esteem, and perhaps deeper psychological patterns. Refocusing our energy on ourselves rather than mulling over the what-if’s is absolutely the key to recovering. It’s easier said than done, but it all comes down to will power, and the strength of ones desire to not only survive, but to thrive.
Getting over a breakup?
If you are a man, it is very easy. Just release one of our basic instincts, aggressiveness and use it to improve yourself as a person.
Go to a gym, train your ass off. I’m talking about boxing, kick-boxing, krav maga, anything. When I say train your ass off I mean go train at least 5 to 6 times a week and 1 or 2 times in a day.
Be a fighter, don’t give up…NEVER GIVE UP, IT’S NOT AN OPTION.
Even when your beaten down, tired, physically hurt or in pain, forget all of this with another workout. Do it over and over and over again, and when you realize, you will be watching what happened to you from an outside angle.
Go search your guts for courage, energy, rage, anger or get it from anywhere, any reference at all and use it. Use it all, day after day, workout after workout.
This is my advice to you.
Don’t waste it.
Thanks for this site Eddie! I was just dumped by a girl after 5 months of going out and this was very comforting to find.
I still feel pain and break down often and just want it to stop. I know it will eventually and I will follow these steps but I think the most messed up things and just go crazy sometimes. I think about her dating another guy or sleeping with a guy often. That on top of the anxiety in your chest of missing them dearly. Is it normal to think those things after just breaking up? For some reason I fear of hearing she’s met someone else or slept with someone else or is just happy with someone else. It just makes me go crazy sometimes.
I met her 5 months ago and I was the first guy she has dated since losing her husband in a rafting accident 2 years ago. They were together for 13 years and have 2 beautiful little boys together (which also makes it so tough to leave them too). She ended it because she said she wasnt ready even though we connected so well together. Hung out all the time, I stayed over sometimes 4 nights a week and even took the kids on a trip together. I know she was still hurting inside and could never promise me a real relationship. But it just felt better than anything I’ve had before and she never left my arms when we were together.
I dont want to think this but I guess I was the rebound guy and that bothers me too. So much. Is all this jealousy, insecurity normal after a break-up? Am I just crazy? And how come I hurt more after this than I did when I ended it with my fiancee 3 years ago.
If anything this helped me to vent my hurt and frustration. Thanks Eddie for this site and I will read it everyday to help me get better.
Hey Kari,
I have found that sometimes really nice people get ‘stuck’ with not so nice people. It is not that they have necessarily changed, it may be, that with time, the real THEM comes out. Trust me, you sound like a very nice girl with lots of love to give. SOMEONE will come along one day and get you and tell you how lucky they are to have found you. I am about twice your age and I can tell you that with time (not to be critical of your age, no way) but with time people often come to mature and realize a good thing a lot faster. Not sure how old your EX is, but I do think that girls often do mature faster than guys so if he is your age, he might have the mental and relational maturity of a 13 year old which is not cool, but better to find that out now instead of going together for years and then him showing his immaturity when you have fallen even deeper in love.
I wish the best for you. Please keep us all posted to how it goes. If you can move on to a mature man (mentally mature at least) I think you will be a happy lady! 🙂
Dear Eddie,
I am 20 years old.I read the posts above and realised that I do need to focus on my life goals and accept that I am the cause of my own unhapiness. However, I find it really difficult to understand alot of things that my ex did. I actually knew him for a long time, but during the summer vacations when i went back home to visit my parents i spent a lot of time with him and eventually grew to like him and den love him. After I moved back to Australia we kind of started dating and we would speak everyday. One fine day he jus said he was busy and from then on he kept saying he was busy and stopped talkin to me all so randomly. It was really hard for me because I had my exams that time. I would call and message and email and he wouldnt pick up my calls or reply. Then one day he said he was sorry. However I still dont know why he did all this. When I asked him before the break up why he changed he would jus go offline without replying. I am on ma vacations right now and sometimes i get very tempted to call him. He speaks to me normally. But wen i text him saying sorry or anythin he doesnt reply. It hurts me alot. I still dont know what went wrong. I have my results coming out in a weeks time and I am really scared that i might fail and I tend to start thinkin about everythin that happened between me and him each time i think about my results. I do not understand what I should do.I really feel I need to know y he behaved this way after givin me the hopes of being together forever, but i know that if i ask him wen i call he will either hang up or not pick up. Also because i have nothin to do in the holidays as its always raining i cant go out and I dont have a job I tend to sit at home the whole day and think about wat happened and why all this happened. It hurts me alot because its happened the second time. The first time i dated a guy was for 3 years and after 2 years i thot may b i was ready to date again. Do you feel I still need to know y he changed all off a sudden? I dont know how i should deal with this.
Thanks
Eddie, I’m sorry I missed your response to my message back on June 29. Thank you very much for your thoughtful words.
As to why I wrote that note, at that time I felt stymied that I couldn’t communicate all that was in my head. I sent it to her just before I posted it here.
The breakup was a real shock to me…I probably should add some context regarding where I was coming from when I wrote the note I posted here…
My ex had been contemplating our relationship issues for the last 6 – 9 months before, both privately and with a therapist on her own. I understood her therapy to be more focused on her depression, but they discussed issues she had with me, as well. Her long-held concerns regarding our relationship were, to a great extent, a surprise to me…she’d never shared those feelings with me.
She’d kept a draft email for quite a while, jotting down thoughts on her own and from her therapy session…she finally shared that with me AFTER she told me we were over. She wrote, “I guess I should have sent it last year.” Her note was written over time, with lots of “ifs” , “nevers” , “I knows” , “I wonders” . When she shared the note with me, she wrote, “I have no more secrets, so I needn’t tell you any more lies or half-truths anymore.”
I think it was her way of cementing in my mind that this wasn’t an out-of-the blue decision on her part.
She went straight from “our” relationship to a new one, moving directly from “our” place to a new co-habitation arrangement with another man. I’d been telling her how that made me feel that she just went out and fell for someone and decided to discard me. But she expressed to me that “he” was not the cause, that our relationship had been waning on its own.
I was very disappointed that we never had a chance to (try to) preserve our relationship (at least I felt that way).
In that context, I felt I needed to get my thoughts down in writing. I felt lost and disoriented.
So there’s the why, and I’m glad you asked that question.
Fast-forwarding to today, 6 weeks later, she’s recently moved out, her new beau has moved to our city, moved in with her (left his wife of 19 years). She and I are ‘somewhat” in touch, but I have made my peace with the fact that our romantic relationship is in the past and will remain that way. We are “normalizing,” I hope.
I’m on my own now, but have thrown myself into a very happy social scene. I am healing and taking your words to heart. Yes, there are “ups and downs,” but I feel strongly that I am moving in the right direction, that I am getting better.
Eddie, thank you so much for your guidance and for engaging with us.
And, to those reading here, in the depths of despair, in confusion, at a loss for how to go one, I can promise you Eddie is right…you will get better, you will heal, you will be happy again. I know it is hard, but you will get there!
Cheers to all.
@Eddie Corbano
On reading through your response, i felt a highly relieving surge run through out my body. I observed it. It was like a fountain that opened in my head and then showered down through my body. My mom came by in a while and i made her sit by my side and read out our communication to her (translated) it doubled up what i achieved. I felt what i thought, i wrote what i felt. Then read you. Then read it both loud. LOUD reading was so much more uplifting. She was overwhelmed and glad for me. She says thanks to you. She wants to watch ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’ with family – tomorrow!
I am also going to repeat it with my dad and i plan to show them both – the last lecture video and read them wonderful wonderful stories from you. Like – Jerry’s and of the Butterfly from your cousin.
Where in Europe, Eddie?
@Mayur
Wow, what a comment 🙂 .
Mayur, come to Europe and I’ll buy you a beer! Thank you for your kind words and the vivid and inspiring description of your healing process.
I feel the pain you’ve been through.
It is a good thing that she moved to Russia permanently, this will make it easier for you. My major problem back then was that she was always around, me in constant fear to meet her.
This is an important realization, every healing lies within it. See that you cling to it, like a lifebelt.
In my experience the healing process has ups and downs. So if you feeling euphoric today, you might feel bad tomorrow.
Know that and don’t allow that it get you down. It’s 10 steps forward and 3 steps back. That’s the game.
… and the stronger we ultimately get!
Hang in there my friend!
“In my experience the healing process has ups and downs. So if you feeling euphoric today, you might feel bad tomorrow.
Know that and don’t allow that it get you down. It’s 10 steps forward and 3 steps back. That’s the game.”
This is so true. Trying so hard to cope with this ups and downs emotion too. Now i know this is just a game and that im going to play it right. Thanks for this realization.
Eddie!
I want to jump on the plane and come to you.. Just to give you a five. Just to see you in real and feel you and be in the aura that is around you. I am feeling so free and light, just being on your portal (which is like periphery of the aura around you) I am glued to your website since morning.. whole day long. Jumping from link to link between work.
I am feeling very much out of the abyss(1) that i was when i woke up this morning (i hardly slept in last 3 months. waking up is finally getting out of bed – some how)
She finally left me on 26th June. In last 45 days, i experienced extremes. The worst-worst of pain. Crying with whole body but tears. Sleepless nights and hopeless days. It was a long distance relationship (wow – i could say it was!!!) and she went back to Russia(saying it was almost to never return) I am in India. She was still in touch with me for first 3 weeks. But it was only after she stopped any communication with me, that i started hearing some one else inside me!! it was ME. The real me. My true true self. I had few strong moments in this worst patch. One was when i read something very very interesting on a billboard –
‘Going got so tough, so tough,
that the tough got going’
I thought for a second over what i read just for a fraction of second as i read it while traveling on a bus. I was laughing the next moment. I felt then like how i am feeling now. The difference is that it didn’t last long then and its more sustainable and lasting state after you Eddie. Thanks.
I also visited book store, several times in these days and co-incidentally found a highly inspiring movie called –
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
The bigger co-incidence was that she is a great fan of Richard Bach and it was her who introduced me to him and his books. She wanted me to read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I never did. But i finally watched this film based on the book – Just like that.
Now, As i once again, stand under the knowledge that ‘only i am responsible for my happiness and sorrows’, i am able to look back on the past and our relationship. I am able to forgive myself and her and rejoice our beautiful beautiful relationship. No anger, No hatred, No Ego, No fear, No worries, No PAIN.
Before you Eddie, i spent hours reading websites selling books relationships and tips on how to get them back and blah blah.. but what you know and share here is so genuine, self-less and vital. I realized that 3 years ago, before i met her – i was on my own. I was the bringer of joy to me. I was a free spirit. You helped me to re-connect to that ME.
Why was I feeling so hopeless?? Why I started thinking that I will never never never be happy again – except only if she came back??? why did I limit myself??? How comes I forgot that I was a person on my own whom she was pulled to in the first place and that that i can be the same old me – WITHOUT HER??
This realization alone is giving me so much hope for tomorrow – with her or with out her.
I must say one thing here – I realized that she had more insight and in-depth understanding about relationships. She tried her best to make me understand, but i didn’t until it was too late. I was being told things of wisdom by her and things that she thought would help me and her and US for better future. But she was leaving and this alone had shaken me – devastated me that i was not eligible to receive any wisdom any more. I went schizofrenic. I suffered from bipolar disorder.
I pictured that stage as if a string of guitar was twanged hard and then it was making a spectrum the string oscillating either sides.. negative – positive – negative – positive – many in one. Illusory but real. Real but illusory. And it would continue to be in this state until it finally calmed down to its original being. Which it will eventually. So i think by nature, we are meant to be peaceful, happy, idle. It is this external twanging that makes us oscillate and the harder the twang, greater the time taken to regain idle state and louder the noise.
I remember that idle and peaceful original state which i need to reach.
I feel so much closer to that original being position – NOW. Now, i can smile a smile that is lasting.
I think it is really a good time once again in my life, time to be burnt out and reborn. I can see light at the end of my tunnel. Eddie… thank you so much.
I can go on and on and on about so many experiences and mental stages that i had been through. But i realize this is not the place. I will write everything everything to you Eddie, in a separate mail. My past experiences will be like pages of a book – something so precious.
I had begun to unwind, break free and bounce back. In the process i met you and i am in the top gear now. Like those 0-120 in 4 seconds thrill rides.
All the quotes, songs, book/movie recommendations on your website are just so good. Each one like another step towards freedom. Ultimate Freedom.
Eddie. I will see you one day.
@ Jeff
Excellent advice. Thanks for helping out 🙂 .
I have made the observation that it is sometimes easier to open up when talking to a stranger. This could be a counselor or therapist.
Journaling is also a good way when there is nobody to talk to.
Hang in there guys, your pain won’t last forever… I promise!
Eddie
You are very welcome Sheela. I know how it feels to think you are all alone. I have no idea where you live or what your situation is but try hard to not be alone. You have to find some life-line type of friends to talk to about this. On-line can help but you need someone who can look you in the eye, smile at you, give you a pat on the back, hand on the shoulder or even a hug so you know you are still a desirable person to have as a friend and have value in other people’s lives. If you go to school or work at a company that provides insurance you can often get free or low cost counseling. Same if you can find a church. Also joining a local club or organization of some sort will get you out with people. Even if you cannot tell all your problems to strangers right away, just being with people, reaching out to others, is so much better than sitting home alone in silence. Have some fun to take your mind off your troubles! You are not trying to deny the pain, but you do need a mental break from it! Make some new friends. Then you will have people to call when you are feeling low. Avoid bars or places where people drink alcohol. I think it is better to have people who are sober to talk to, who might actually remember talking to you. Also try to hang out with a variety of folks and try to not just hang out with others who are hurting. You need uplifting people right now. Not to say you can’t do some cool volunteer work to help others, just try to help them in areas you are not overwhelmed in yourself now.
Hang in there Sheela! Nice talking with you here.
hi jeff,
thank you for replying on my post…ireally need friends right now because im away from my family,i have nobody to turn to.its good that eddie made this site for people like us who experienced heart break…thanks so much jeff
Hi Jeff,
Excellent point and a very good metaphor.
We have to realize that the pain from which we are suffering is caused by ourselves alone, not by our Exes. If we identify and work on these causes (which takes time of course) the pain will disappear, and we will have much healthier relationships.
If we take the shortcut, as you call it a “band-aid”, then we will have the same problem over and over again.
Eddie
Here is something I came up with that I thinks makes a good illustration of WHY Eddie is right and it takes TIME. I shared this with someone else and thought I’d share it with you all as well.
When I was a kid my brothers and I used to cut golf balls apart. We’d cut off the white outer shell to reveal the rubber band beneath, which was wound round and round the super ball like center. If you pulled the single strand of rubber band just right it would start to come loose and unwind and the ball would jump around! It was funny to watch and usually took several attempts and a long time to get it all unwound.
I think serious relationships are that way. I know I have other people lives wound tightly around mine, and it takes a long time to unwind from that. So far I have been unwinding from my last serious one for six months. Sadly enough, my ex-gf does not see it this way or is so eager to cover her pain that she does not care. She unwound a bit of me, but maybe only like a quarter or so of the rubber band. Now she is winding a new person in there (rebound) and mixing him in among me. I can’t help think that won’t eventually cause problems or some messes or friction between the bands in the future. Her ex husband is wound tightly in there still (she has holy wars with him on a near weekly basis).
I am trying to ‘look and learn’ and not repeat. I think everyone needs to make sure they have unwound as much as they honestly can, to make the next relationship successful. Winding in new bands over top the old, then trying to glue the white shell back on to cover the mess just leads to lumpy and bumpy balls that do not roll or work right. Better to take time.
One day, if you do it right and take the time you need your relationship may ‘normalize’. This does not mean you will be buddies or go to the movies or talk on the phone or chat or email each other. What this means is that in the rare occasions when you run into each other (at work, out in the community, etc.) you will be able to smile and not look away, or even briefly talk or just say ‘hi!’ and wave. This shows you have grown and are really ready for another relationship. The sorrow and hate and anger have been swollowed up (or burned in the ashes of forgiveness) and it is an amazing thing.
Today my ex-gf asked me for some headshots (I love photography and run my own side biz) for her resume. Guess what? I told her OK and sent her some! That was thankful. It was very theraputic. I was able to look at the old pictures of her and smile, recalling old times. A month or so ago I would not have been able to do that. That shows me we are normalizing. I sent her the pictures she wanted, did not include any lovey dovey ones of us, and did not cry or obsess. Yes, I still felt some love as I sorted the images trying to find what she might need; but you know what? That means our love was real; right or wrong. Normalizing means you still care, still love; but it also means you have allowed enough time to let go. And that you did not try to put another person over the pain to act as a bandaid.
Sorry for another novel here folks, but I had to share in hopes of being able to do as Eddie does, and help others. Hang in there!!
Jeff, I’m currently going through and your post was one good to read. I’ve been trying to strengthen my faith in God and give this thing time as I tackle my life still. It is hard, but I have faith one day it will not hurt anymore. This too, just like for you, shall pass.
Not sure what sorts of support books Eddie might offer but here is one I highly recommend!
This is a book that someone gave to me that has really helped me get over the pain: REBUILDING : When Your Relationship Ends.
Here is an amazon link:
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
Please note, this book SEEMS to target divorce situations but it is much better and more far reaching than that. It is for ANY serious breakup. And it not only helps you to understand where you are and your feelings in the process, but it also delves into some of what your EX is going thru too, thier mindset and even some crazy behavior they may be doing or will do (like finding someone new WAY TOO SOON!) and it helps YOU to avoid the same crazy mistake(s) and pitfalls.
This is a good book to pick up when you get sad or are feeling guilty or all alone. It hits ALL the major break-up issues. This was one of the three major things that helped me get thru my break-up. The second was what the book calls ‘life line friends’ and the third was the whole higher power thing, which for me was my personal faith and connection with God. The book alone though goes a long way and I am guessing you will be very happy that you picked up a copy and started reading.
Hang in there everyone. Eddie is right. It just takes some time. Read here on his site and get some good books like the one I mention above. Above all LEARN AND GROW from the painful experience. Don’t self-distruct!! I am about 90% through my situation and it does get better. If you really loved someone there will be pain, if not the relationship was not real. You owe it to yourself to really GROW before you embark on a new love relationsip OR even (and this is a long shot) get back with your EX. If you don’t take this time to read this site and books like this, and talk to trusted friends and get some good counseling and mentoring, you may end up right back here with the next person. And that would be horrible. So please.. take your time and get the healing help you need. We are all in this together and I am pulling for you!
My heart goes out to you.
This is a very beautiful letter from a very sensitive man who truly seem to understand the fundamentals of a happy relationship.
I like it.
But I have to ask you a uncomfortable question: What is this letter supposed to achieve?
To get her back, closure, make her a bad conscience?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side. I’m just no fan of these letters.
I never recommend that you send your Ex a letter. I recommend writing them, but NEVER send them.
If you decided to move on and you insist on writing her, then only write that you enjoyed your relationship, that you understand the reasons for the break up and that you just wanted to say “good bye”.
Everything else is just delaying the healing process.
Think about it.
Your friend,
Eddie
Eddie, thank you for sharing your hard-won wisdom with us. I believe meditation will help me in the coming days, also.
She’s leaving me, after 8 years…I wrote her this, please tell me what you think of it:
After the breakup…eight years…
My mind is crowded, crowded with doubts and fears and terror, mashed up with regrets and longing. I imagine you feel some of these things in your head, too, mostly confusion, which I understand all too well.
I never expected our time together to be only endless joy and pleasure. I know that all happiness is balanced by sadness, but I hoped that we would work together to keep the sadness at bay as best we could, while basking in the wonderful times we shared.
I never expected to be your brother, to be mothered by you. I wanted to share the “driving” of our relationship and our time together with someone I trusted completely to help make the right decisions, someone who I knew enjoyed acting on their own sometimes. I wanted to push you sometimes, and learn from your experiences other times.
I never expected that indulging your needs for camaraderie and desire for independence would end up being seen as a weakness…that holding you loosely at times somehow was interpreted as unsupportive / uncaring / unloving. I will never see being a taskmaster as part of a loving relationship. You aren’t property…and NO man is worthy of servitude. I worked for (and craved) an immensely deep partnership with you, a partnership where each of us was free to share our strengths AND weaknesses with each other. A partnership with give and take.
I never expected you to 100% fulfill me…or for you to need me to 100% fulfill you. I want to participate in creating my own happiness, and I bargained that you also would participate in creating (and feeling) your own happiness.
I understand that you’ve suffered with depression to varying degrees for a long time. It always hurt me to my very core see your pain…I truly felt it inside me whenever you did, both before and while we lived together. But depression is treatable, depression is not impossible to live with and thrive with. Depression does not make you ineligible to conduct a loving relationship with respect and integrity. I always wanted to help you live with your feelings of doubt and confusion that came about as part of your condition. I know I failed at this, but I truly always wanted to help you conquer your depression.
I also know I have weaknesses, elements of my being that aren’t exactly the very best. You’ve helped me in recent days to recognize and understand some of these, and add them to the list that I already know about. But these shortcomings are part of being a man, part of being human. I do strive to overcome them with varying degrees of success, just as you, too, now face up to parts of your character that can be improved and to the efforts on your part that will be required to make that happen. We both should understand that this is an endless task that will be with us until we reach our graves. Self-improvement is an essential element to the human condition and no one can expect to avoid this task.
You had a chance to write your note to me over time, and I will take some time to compose my thoughts, as well. I’m sending this to you now, but will add more later.
@ Geraldine
Please check your e-mail.
Dear Eddie
I came to know your website sometime ago but did not have the courage to write as logically – I should already known the answers. But today, I cannot tolerate the pain I am going through I would like to hear from you. Well, at least you havent met me and are more objective than my friends.
I am seeing a man for almost 10 months. We got together pretty fast and we do have a lot of things in common and share a lot of commonality. The only draw back about him is he is not eligible, he is married to a malay and he is converted. Things got complicated when he has 2 beautiful children – well be it they are adopted that is secondary, it is the nurturing.
We started out by planning to immigrate to Australia and he was so firm in his decision in leaving his wife and get the divorce done. Well, I cant say he didnt but he has shifted out almost 5 months now and he will see them whenever he can for lunch or dinner.
Last week, we have a fight and I found out that his intention was to get me converted and be his 2nd wife so that he can still see me and his son. Sadly, I do not agree with that and last night I finally broke down to know that our relationship is coming to an end.
Look Eddie, it is not I want to fight – but I have sacrifice a lot for this man; I lost my job because of him, I am mentally unsound because of the constant behavior that it seems to make me insecure. He came to me with a total broken heart sharing that his wife had a total different value system and doesnt value other people. Of course I have met up with her a couple of times and that doesnt seems to say she is nice. Eddie, I do not want to go round and witch hunt for I already know what type of person she is and what games she is playing. For instance, she can call her husband out using the excuses of the kids but she can actually use a more genuinely excuse to tell him she wants lunch – that would make me less upset. And she turn to her pity mode where she is sick and unwell.
Because of all these, I have become very unstable and even my partner notice that he cannot control or not happy with it anymore.
We finally come to decision to end this but I do need time until I find my support structure back. Eddie, please help me to understand this.. Please help …
I knew someone out there could help. Thanks it was good to hear from an expert. I am so sad as I write, but I plan to try some meditation.