Top Menu

Too Guilty To Leave: Are You Delaying A Breakup Out Of Guilt?

Most breakups aren’t mutual. Many of us are familiar with the sense of rejection and loss when a partner chooses to leave.  You might also be familiar with the difficulty of being the one to initiate the breakup.  Sometimes ending a relationship can be so hard that we put it off for days, weeks, and even years.  Many people get stuck in this stage, and one major reason for this is an overwhelming sense of guilt.

Relationships end. They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons.  Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren’t compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don’t find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships.  Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.

Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about.  The thoughts cycle through our head:

  • “I don’t want to hurt her”
  • “I feel responsible for him”
  • “I can’t stand to make her cry”
  • “He’s not going to be able to cope without me”
  • “She’s such a good person and doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken”
  • “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
  • “She’s going to hate me forever”

These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person.  However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie.  You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.

It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you.  For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?

I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that — major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis.  However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner.  Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to unfairly resent your partner.  Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.

If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:

1. Heartbreak is a fact of life

As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship.  In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings.  It’s futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain.  In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing:  It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.

2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup?  You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.

3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time

You’re only becoming more invested as you stay.  You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.

4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings

Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong.  Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time.  It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her.

I hope you’re convinced that – once you know you that you want to leave – the breakup should happen sooner rather than later. I’ll be back with more tips for people dealing with the difficult issue of ending a relationship.

-Michael

103 Responses to Too Guilty To Leave: Are You Delaying A Breakup Out Of Guilt?

  1. Jazz May 30, 2015 at 10:00 am #

    Two days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year and two months. When I first told him I liked him, he hadn’t even given us a thought, it wasn’t until a month later when I pestered him that he admitted to liking me back. And for a year, things were essentially awesome. Any problems or concerns I had prior to dating him were poor aside. I figured since I liked him and her liked me, it’s all our relationship needed. We’re both 21, by the way. He was so attentive, kind, affectionate (a little too much for my liking), patient, and fun to be around. But the longer we dated more I couldn’t ignore the concerns in my mind. He was jobless(do there was no way I couldn’t tell my farther we were together, he already didn’t like the guy; and constantly reminded me), had no motivation, and didn’t seem inspired to take me anywhere unless it was for some occasion. I didn’t think these things would bother me, but soon they got to me, especially when I was coming closer to the end if my final year of post secondary. Not to mention, he was very closed off. Also my mother was concerned about me dating someone with no ambition, especially since he’s never had a job before. He and my best friend did not get along, it’s like when he and I started dating, they both couldn’t tolerate sharing me. It was always a competition, before we dated we’d all been friends, but oncewe started dating, seems their disdain for each other heightened. I’m fiercely independent to the point where it can get annoying and he was not, kind of bothered me. Both he and especially me, have trust issues, and so we had promised to be open with each other. He didn’t hold up his end of the deal. Which ended up in us fighting because he exploded on me one day when I told him i wanted to talk to him about all these things he was feeling just came out of the blue, but I’ll explain more of that later. But for the most part, I loved him with all my heart, still do. And he definitely loved me to put up with all my shit and increasing bitterness, and nagging.

    Our relationship and other things in my life essentially made my anxiety even worse. I was breaking down all the time, couldn’t sleep, was crying all the time, couldn’t focus, and couldn’t be near him. It hurt too much to see how hurt he’d get when I’d shy away from his touch. It was killing me. This went on for about a month before or fight, I was busy with school, so I couldn’t see him. And this is when I became extremely neglectful, which is why most of my guilt stems from. Or maybe it started a bit before that. But I got so busy and didn’t see anyone, excluding a friend who I felt I could explain my feelings to about my situation with my bf. I didn’t have time to text and chat with him as much, but he promised to wait for me to finish school. It hurt that I put him through that, but I couldn’t really do much about it.

    Then our fight happened, but I figured it was worth giving us a shot. I felt like because of how he reacted to our talk, It broke my trust. I found out so much he wasn’t telling me and it broke my heart. The one thing I asked him to do, be honest with me no matter what, and he didn’t. When I was up late at night, crying because of my anxiety I would tell him, but he didn’t do that same. He didn’t tell me anything, but I could tell by the looks on his face. He thought I was breaking up with him so he exploded, he was mean. It was a side of him I’d never seen. But wr talked it out and got it out on the table. I finally got the relief I needed, I thought we finally fixed everything. Nope.

    For the following month, I couldn’t trust him anymore. My trust is very really broken and hard to get. I’ll forgive, but not forget. I was emotionally and physically detached from him, I felt like I was waiting for another bomb to go off, or like suddenly everything would magically be fixed due to our talk. I hoped if wr took things slowly, I would earn back up to him. But I was lying to myself. The damage was done and the more I tried to make things right, the wise I fear and the father apart we got. He asked newer how long it’d take for things to go back to normal, two weeks in, I told him I didn’t have a clue. But it made me realize how healthy our relationship had become. How much hurt I was putting him through by making him wait for me to sort out my feelings and try to pull myself together. I was getting mean, I think, and I didn’t like ego I was becoming. It dawned me more and the guilt was eating me alone. He was frustrated that I wouldn’t let him help me, but there wasn’t anything he could do but support me.Which is all I felt I wanted and needed from him.

    In the end I had to end it, I couldn’t change how I felt about how I was treating him, or our relationship, my issues, anything. And how much he loved me. We were at different points in our lives and there’s tons I’ve left out,but the main point is, I want going to stay with someone I was treating poorly, no matter how much I loved them. He basically hates me now and wants nothing to do with me, but I hope he’ll eventually forgive me for ending it. I hope someday he’ll understand.

    I just feel so bad for putting him through almost two months of crap. I know I was stlill sorting out my feelings, butt I wish I had the confidence to do it sooner. Most of the time I’m okay, but other times, the guilt just eats me up. Guilt when we were together, guilt now that we’re apart. The hardest part of this all is that I hurt somebody I love and it sucks that I won’t be able to be around them anymore. He’ll want his space and groom the looks of it will want nothing to do with me ever again. I wish I could asked through time to a point where I don’t feel this way anymore. It’s a bummer, but probably not as bad as what he’s going through. So selfish to worry about him hating me when I’m the one who neglected him and broke his heart. He deserved better.

  2. Mark July 18, 2015 at 9:02 am #

    I am a 49yo guy who married someone out of guilt. My wife once told me that “if you leave me I don’t know what I’ll do to myself” So we continued dating and eventually I popped the question. I recall in the days leading up to proposing that I did not want to do it, but felt had to.

    It wasn’t as if I didn’t care for her. It’s just that I deserved to date more and perhaps find someone I more deeply connected with, rather than having someone manipulate my feelings in this regard.

    Overall my 19 years of marriage have been pretty good and I’m sure we will stay together for the long haul. I am not bitter. It’s just that I rightly feel unfairly guilted into where I am today and wanted to write this to any person perhaps in this predicament to be brave enough to follow what they feel best and not be overrun by another persons feelings

    • Joshua October 16, 2015 at 4:43 am #

      27 yr old guy. Dating a girl for 2 years who says she can’t live without me. I’m not happy, I don’t want to engage, but I feel too guilty to leave. Her family loves me also and have helped me Nd I don’t want to disappoint them either.

      I need advice.

      • Jo October 17, 2015 at 10:14 pm #

        i am 31 f and was with a guy for 3 years and engaged. I basically felt the same as you. I got to the point where I knew I didn’t want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I was so scared to break it off for fear of completely crushing him. I finally did after 3 weeks of internal struggle. That was a month ago. It is still extremely hard and I’m sure it will be for a long while, but I believe I did the right thing. Be strong, you only have one life to live and sometimes we have to do these things – not only for your own future happiness but hers as well. In time everyone will be ok. You aren’t the first person to go through this and come out better on the other end. Good luck and you are in my thoughts

      • Kev November 30, 2015 at 6:18 pm #

        I’m in the exact same boat as Joshua. My girlfriend lives with me and since we’ve been togethor for around 2 years she has done a lot to make my home more of a home for her also. She loves me so much and I can see that she’s obsessed with me. We’ve split up in the past for a few days and she was a mess she stopped eating she didn’t go to work she just went to her mum’s and her brothers told me that alls she did was cry and didn’t want to speak to anyone she was distraught. I’ve been left before by a girl I really loved and I didn’t want to split but I had no choice and I remember what I felt and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through so I could relate to what I was putting her through. So I took her back because I felt like a monster I hated myself for what I’d done to her I was asking myself how I could be so heartless to make a girl who was enfatuated with me feel this way. After we got back togethor she is constantly scared to lose me and I have to lie and tell her I am happy and that I love her but I am lying I don’t feel what she feels but I think I am gonna be stuck in this relationship for the rest of my life because I’m to much of a coward to put her through that again I just can’t do it is there a good way to break up with someone ? I’ve told my friends and they just call me a pussy and tell me to finish it and that it’s easy but that’s just the advice you get when you try and talk to the lads.

    • Ford January 25, 2016 at 5:37 am #

      Mind blown, thank you.

  3. Taryn August 13, 2015 at 5:24 pm #

    I have just broken up with my partner of 9 years. We have been with each other since high school, and I feel such an enormous sense of guilt having known I have broken his heart. Although I have felt like this for quite a while, he really didn’t have a clue that our relationship would come to an end. I love him, but it had come to a point where I felt we were more platonic than anything else. We were planning on going to live abroad for a year and had bought airline tickets and visas, which is when I realised that I wanted to go alone. I want him to meet someone and have the same spark as we had when we first met, and I want the same for myself as well. I don’t know why I’ve but it on here, but it’s very cathartic.

  4. Lily August 30, 2015 at 11:48 pm #

    I just broke up with my boyfriend, 1 year and 9 months together. (Almost 10). I felt like the most horrible person on the entire planet. I knew he would feel bad, but watching him break down was much worse than I ever imagined. All I wanted was to take the pain away, but I knew the only way to do that was going to be getting back together. I wasn’t feeling the same for him for over a month, but I had been so afraid to tell him. So when I broke the news, he was torn apart. He had never imagined our relationship would come to an end. I recommend truth ans honesty always, its so unfair to feel obligated to be with someone just so they wont get hurt. You have to think about yourself as well. It’s never going to be easy, I felt like I wouldn’t ever stop crying. The worst part is when they won’t accept it. But you just have to stay strong…

  5. Someguy September 15, 2015 at 2:22 pm #

    My girlfriend pretty much saved my life. I was in the gutter with booze. I was going to lose the house. She moved in and we both ended up recovering and even quitting smoking. I really needed her then. I love her but I don’t think I was ever in love with her. I’m afraid she will find this. She finds everything. She invades every shred of my privacy. I feel like I’m in prison. I can’t seem to get out of this.

  6. Cold Heart September 27, 2015 at 6:08 am #

    Current relationship of 5 years, daughter is 2.5 years old. He adores me, and her and does any and everything he can to please me……I know, I know.

    I was never attracted to him. I fell for him because of his heart, loyalty and sense of humor. I overlooked his lack of education, financial stability, jealousy and insecurity. He does NOT do it for me in the bedroom, despite countless talks, instructions, books, videos, games etc. ..I believe he tries, but I’m far from satisfied.

    I could ignore just about everything and live a content life, if it weren’t for the jealousy and insecurity. Well, the education is an issue too, he doesn’t have basic grammar or life skills. His jealousy and insecurity makes me despise him.

    I told him 2 weeks ago it was over and he has to leave. I feel awful for him, and for my daughter, but personally I feel so much relief.

  7. Heartbreaker October 27, 2015 at 5:26 pm #

    Broke up with a girl of 5 yrs about 2 mo ago, not married but have a 4 yo son together, and she has her own 9 yo son. . I wished I had several years ago. I never had the gut feeling she was the one for me but now I can look back on the relationship and realize the signs of where I should have spoke up sooner. I feel in this relationship I did voice problem areas that had hurt my feelings or made me concerned with how compatible we were. This article really helped with the intense guilt I feel (even now 2 mo later) of having to break it off with her and split up a household. Now we have to deal with separate times with our joint child which is a separate struggle to cope with in itself. I saw things within the first year that I wasn’t sure about with her and maybe should have been more vocal about whether or not this would work out. But for me Atleast guilt again made me stay because her and her son had moved in with me (she lived with her parents). I didn’t want to totally destroy her because I hate making people cry and break their hearts. Also I think, I wanted to give it time, a year or 2 to see if she changed or maybe the relationship would grow into what I needed from it. But it didnt. Most people don’t change. I feel relief from being out of that relationship of being emotionally ignored and taken for granted but I still am dealing with the “normal” emotions of guilt for having put her and her son and now our son through a breakup. I know it gets better with time and everyone will move on and be happy. I want her to be happy again with someone or even just herself at the moment. I wish in noone heartbreak or the guilt of heaving been in a relationship too long because of various reasons. But I will say (also from all the other comments on here), it is better to be honest and open and not stick around for the wrong reasons. You owe to both of you.

  8. Red November 5, 2015 at 8:51 am #

    I ended a 15 year common law relationship recently, and I have fallen in love with someone else. That was purely accidental, and I did not cheat. This has been one of the most painful things I’ve ever dealt with, he had a previous ex from hell, no wsy I’ll put him through that again. No child support, 50/50 custody, no court involvement, just raising our kids together as friends. He was always the one threatening to leave, he controlled most if what I did through whining and pouting and guilting, including my job as manager at a hotel. Even though I am the strong one and can push on no matter what, I worry about him. We were together so long I’m going to be laying there at night wondering what he’s thinking as he’s going to sleep, or what he’s doing after work . why do I feel so guilty for doing this, why do I feel so alone right now. I can’t tell him because this isn’t about me right now. We are still best friends, but suddenly things are awkward to say to each other ya know. Why does it hurt so much? Because it was real😧

  9. Lisa November 24, 2015 at 12:33 am #

    I’m going through this too, I’ve tried breaking up many times but he almost begs that I stay with him, and I can’t bare it so cave. I’ve shown my concerns but he seems pretty happy with the relationship being totally one sided. It doesn’t help its long distance so I do get excited to see him but I care for him, I can’t see us going anywhere. What do I do? We have gone out for 3 years so he knows me too well and always avoids the conversation. Am I really that horrible?

    • Ricky November 25, 2015 at 12:41 am #

      No, you’re not horrible. I’m in the exact same situation. It’s been two years and the past 10 months i’ve realized that it isn’t going to work. I want out but the points brought up in this post are all the reasons I can’t. I feel like I’ll be personally destroying someone else’s feelings….heart. I know i’m only hurting us both. It weighs heavily on me daily…I know what I should do but I’m afraid…she’s a good person.

    • Isabel January 21, 2016 at 8:41 am #

      :( I totally understand how you are feeling. Im in a relationship of 2 1/2years and fell for my gfs loyalty, kindness and compassion. Everything was fine for most of the time. However she had been burned in the past cheated on ect…. and that is mirrored by her jealousy, anxiety and controlling ways…. it gets bad. I sometimes feel as if she is making me change into a scared person, closing up with no voice. We have gone through 3 “almost” break ups. When I say “almost” i mean i tried ending it and she refused to accept. Usually saying “you give up too easily” so I cave every time. I feel guilt because every time we have a fight she does something really nice for me (including promosing she will work on things) only for it to stay the same. She is also a few years older and wants different things (eg :children) and ive put so much focus in always trying to “fix” our relationship ive not found any fulfillment for myself. I met someone who ive been having feelings grow for…. but now i feel so guilty its as if i feel i dont deserve to end my current relationship and make myself happy. :( worse thing is she has booked a cruise 2mnths from now paid my deposit and all so more guilt. I know its wrong staying with her with so much uncertainty but i dont feel strong enough yet to break it off.

      • pax January 27, 2016 at 12:00 pm #

        I agree with you isabel. i am in a similar situation where i have caved several times in the past few weeks when he promises to change and make things better. last week we agreed to take things one day at a time but even that is becoming unbearable. i dont enjoy having sex with him or kissing touching. he used to force me to kiss him even though i said several times that i didnt enjoy it but he didnt care as long as he wanted it. not to mention if i said no or showed displeasure he would withdraw and get passive aggressive about it for a few hours. im emotionally drained by all of this. he has booked a weekend trip away for my birthday in a few weeks and i feel i should stick it through until after that. i am also talking to someone else but i dont want a relationship with anyone, i more want some sexual fulfilment as i feel so unsatisfied at home with him. another issue is we live together so i would have to move out of his house if we split up, something i cant afford right now as i am financially dependent on him. its so stressful

  10. Tye December 3, 2015 at 3:54 pm #

    I have been in a relationship, on & off the past 12 months, for three years. I have left probably on 5 occasions, but I keep coming back because I feel so guilty. He tells me how much he needs me and that he does not know where he would be without me. We are not compatible and it bugs me so much. His goals in life are not realistic and he is so jealous and insecure that it’s not funny. I know it would cause him financial trouble if I left and I just don’t know what to do. This is both our first relationship and I don’t know what to do! I feel like I am crazy because I keep coming back, but I still care for him. I may not be physically or mentally attracted to him, but I still care and worry about his well-being. My best friend probably thinks I am crazy because every time I have left my boyfriend I have gone to stay with him. I do not have any family in this state. I am tearing up now because I feel soooo stuck.

  11. Kat December 15, 2015 at 8:15 am #

    I feel awful right now and I need advice. I am with a guy for almost 7 years. I love him, he is a good person, very sweet and kind, but I don’t know if I’m IN love with him anymore. We do compliment each other in ways (hes introverted I’m an extrovert) and he dose get along with my family good. We started dating when I was 19 years old, and I was fresh outta high school. He is also 10 years older than me. I never has a problem with this ever, and I still dont have an issue with it. I love him as a person. He can act adorable sometimes and we both enjoy the little things. I want whats best for him. And trust me I want this to work between us. i really do.

    Problem is I feel like we don’t connect as well on a lovers level. I know after a while the heat calms down and true love comes out, the kind where you wanna take time to mend and build relationship deeper than just sex and physical affection. However, We fight at least once a week. I feel there are things to be worked on in our relationship, like the lack of intimacy, affection. This has been a battle for years. And we’ve tried to fix things and make things better but they always fall back to being “dry”. I’m all about cuddling, hugging, and kissing, and deep intimacy. Hes not so affectionate and intimate. Woohooo time doesn’t even have foreplay anymore really (sorry if that was a bit personal to some) so its really hard for me to get into it. He just isn’t into that as much. I almost always have to make the first move (he does too but for the most part it is me.) and we hardly ever get to go to eachothers houses and actually be able to have private time. We did have a intimate moment last week, and sadly part of me just didnt want it from him even though part of me wanted it.

    Everytime we tried to work things out I find myself getting more and more frustrated with him when the same conversation came up. My BF doesnt find anything wrong with the relationship at all and really has nothing to say about it, which gets me upset because I feel like there are things to be changed and talked about. I also feel like I’m forcing him to change for me, which i dont want. I want intimacy and affection to be natural, not forced. he claims I’m not forcing him, but I still feel I am.

    Also I have anxiety and a bit of a temper. I feel like its getting worse with the more I feel disconnected to him. I get so angry because of things never changing and he gets so angry with me for being angry at him. We always say things we dont mean, hurtful things too. At this point hes 35 and just wants a steadyness to the relationship. he wants to move in together and wants a family with me. And at some points I want that too, but it frightens me. I don’t wanna be like this to him when we move in or have kids, and I especially wanna be 100% sure of my feelings for him before we do that. I feel like also he’d be better off without me and my anxiety and temper. Trust me i have been trying so damn hard to work on that for me and for him. He forgives me in the end and forgets, but how long will that be before he realizes this isn’t how relationships are suppose to be… he can’t keep wanting me to stay when I hurt him like that and he hurts me with his words. Its always a break up talk on my end until the fight gets so wound up that he finally says he doesn’t care (say it because the fight burns us both out). When I get into panic fits he just doesnt know what to do with me or say to me, and I feel so alone. He says he’s never give up on me.

    I’m afraid though that if we break up for good, I will never see him again. He is not one to stick around after a relationship has ended. i can’t blame him in the least. I just dont know if I can handle loosing him for good. he’d pretty much be dead to me if we broke up…

    2 years ago we went on a break (after a while we were planning on coming back together after we we worked things out on our own), and I met this wonderful friend. We instantly clicked. I felt we had so many connections on different levels. it wasnt forced and it was completely natural. i felt I knew him for years and years. I didn’t develop a crush on him until a few months later, when someone questioned if we were dating. the connection i felt wasn’t puppy dog love either. he understood me like my BF didn’t. Now understand I never cheated on my BF for him. I wanted to go out and give my friend a try but… in the end I was terrified… terrified to start something new and end something that was trying to be fixed and lasted so long…. so out of fear and pure emotion I went back to my BF and he came back to me. My friend also had a crush on me too. BUT My friend just wanted what was best for me though. He cared about our friendship more than a relationship with me. It meant a lot to me. He never forced me to make a choice or anything…. all he told me was that I need to ground myself and find out what will make me truly happy. Dont focus on the past and don’t fear the future. Just focus on the present and what I’m feeling. And unlike my BF, my friend understood my anger problems and my anxiety, because he had them too. he knew exactly what to say and do. He calmed my inner demons the way my BF couldnt (he did a few times but never like my friend did for me)

    I feel like I sound so terrible now. I feel I have a good thing going for me. My BF never cheats on me, he’d never hit me, he’s always tried for me. He loves me with his whole heart, Its just that damn connect i feel we don’t have anymore. I’ve said this before to him, it feels like we are more of good friends than an actual couple. He loves me though. And it hurts me so much to think I may not love him the same way anymore. It scares me that we put so much effort into this and have plans and it may not even be the best thing for us… Sad thing is when we have good days I feel great and feel guilty for even thinking about leaving… but in bad days I just want it over… and that feeling lasts for days even after a fight is over….

    I know love is deeper than just a physical attraction and sex… I feel we have built that kinda love because we worked so hard to mold it, worked so hard to understand one another and keep working at it… its just the DAMN STUPID CONNECTION I FEEL WE DON’T HAVE ANYMORE… It keeps tugging away at me…

    I need some advice… something…. because I’m crying my eyes out typing this and I just need some logical advice… something to grab onto that makes any scene….

    • Gee Lizz December 24, 2015 at 5:04 pm #

      I have never been so touched by someone’s comment. Been in a relationship for 6 years since highschool and I couldn’t relate more… It feels comforting knowing that someone else is going through the same issues. I don’t know what to do. :(

    • YS January 5, 2016 at 10:48 am #

      @Kat

      Stumbled upon this post just now while reading up articles on how to deal with guilt. What you wrote is very similar to what I went thru.

      I am a woman who has been in a committed 11 year same sex relationship (we stay together and both families have met.. considering that I am asian and live in Asia, this is a very big thing). Prior to getting together, we knew each other for 9 years and were best friends out of school. Making this 20 years being part of each others’ lives. I am in my mid 30s… so this relationship literally took up more than half of my lifespan.

      Like you (@Kat), physical affection had always been an issue in our relationship. Didnt help that 6 years ago, I took on a high pressure fast pace job requiring alot of travel..

      that was an initial trigger that started a serious of personal and career changes for me… it made me realise certain aspects about myself and through meeting many ppl, interfacing and working with different cultures.

      The distance between us grew… part of the reason was due to the fact that I was evolving in a different pace from her within the relationship. Nothing wrong with it. These are things that just happened.

      A few months ago, i met someone at work. and like you, Kat, it started off innocently, we had great connection (she is straight so I thought nothing about it)…. but the emotional connection became really intense and by the time we realised it, we had already developed feelings for each other. She never asked for anything more from me and never expected anything more from me. All she wanted was for me to be happy and actually advised me to re-look at my primary relationship to find the original spark

      about 1.5months ago, our relationship became physical. A week after it became physical, my partner tried to initiate sex with me but my heart was not there. That was when the reality of everything hit me… and I felt i wanted more.

      I am now in the midst of a break up .. breaking up a long term relationship. I dont know how it will be a few weeks down the road. On good days, I feel like I made the right decision and feel free. On bad days, I ask myself if I made the right decision and have to deal with the guilt and shame of what has happened and for initiating the break up and for wanting more.

      If this is the path that you want to take… be mentally prepared and everyday when I hit a rough patch, I always tell myself the following and I hope it helps you as well.

      1) Have the courage to question your relationship…
      2) Have the courage to aspire more for your happiness
      3) Have the courage to make the decision about your relationship
      4) Lastly, have the courage to stay with the decision and deal with the consequences (financially, emotionally from yourself and with how your friends and family deal with your decision)

      • Davey January 6, 2016 at 2:52 pm #

        I just had a Eureka moment about myself. I am having trouble with my relationship with a wonderful lady because of her ten year old son. I am sixty and raised my children successfully. I realized that since my divorce and including my ex, I am a rescue dog! I have subconsciously rejected women who did not need rescuing and have been attracted to women that needed some form of rescue, emotional, financial, or both. Because of this, I put my needs on the back burner but after a while, that becomes an issue and the relationship becomes sour. Wow! Better late than never!

        • Eddie Corbano January 6, 2016 at 3:41 pm #

          Congrats Davey, that is a major discovery that will impact your future relationships positively. Good job!

  12. Davey December 18, 2015 at 1:46 pm #

    What was I thinking? I just turned 60 years old although I’ve been told by many that I look 50. For the past nine months, I’ve been living with a wonderful gal who is 46 and has a 10 year old son. I feel that was a huge mistake. We used to have so much fun when we lived separately. I am pretty much diametrically opposite on raising children. I raised two boys of my own who are very successful in life. She is extremely lenient in my view and I am tired of being the bad guy.
    I don’t necessarily want to break up but I don’t want to live with her. How do I make that happen?

  13. a lost soul December 21, 2015 at 3:53 am #

    I been with my girlfriend for 7years .She is very controlling and it gets on my last damn nerves..lately i have been feeling like its time for a change in my life witout her being apart of it..a new year is approaching and im still young (26)i have goals and things i wanna reach but i feel as if she is holding me bk from alot of things.. i want kids she dont i just think we are not on the same path i love her but i think it is time to let her go on with her life

  14. Eric December 31, 2015 at 6:18 am #

    Wow, it’s some consolation that people are feeling similar to me and its happening right now.

    I have been with my partner for 7 years. We met online and had a long distance relationship for the first year. I probably did not view the relationship as very serious in the beginning as I was seeing someone occasionally from overseas but neglected to share this information with either of them….my bad and something I am not very proud of.

    When this came out I, I stopped all communication with the woman from overseas but I also felt an immense sense of guilt and I think my partner used this to her advantage and contributed to me making some decisions I probably should not have. Basically, I should have been strong enough to have taken some time for myself and not gone straight into this relationship, something I have always regretted.

    After this happened and after the death of my elderly father some 3 months later, my partner moved across the country and moved in with me. I was not comfortable with this but because of grief and guilt I let it happen.

    Since then it has been hard work for me but I have committed to the relationship and made the most of things. For the last 2 years we have been trying to have children. Again, this is something I was not 100% into but because she wanted it I have gone along with it. We are now into our 2nd round of IVF.

    Long story short, I am not happy, I’m not sure I ever have been. We are great friends, get along well and I do love her but for me there has always been something missing and she does not accept me for who I really am, she wont compromise and has to have everything go her way. I am terrified we will have a child and I will still be unhappy but feel the need to stay because of the child.

    I am stressed because I know what I have to do but can’t make the decision…or wont make it. I am going to read more on this through this site and hopefully get the courage to do something about it

  15. Criss January 16, 2016 at 12:57 am #

    I have GF almost 1,5 year. When I met her it was great. Later on things went really fast. We were even planing shared apartment. But at some point I started to feel I can’t imagine to live together and need to go out to know other girls… but I can’t say it to her.. . When we were argueing she said something which i remembered and it can probably show my problem. That I don’t really know what I want. I love my girlfriend but i feel so much hesitantly. That she isn’t this girl Which I want. Honestly we really love and understand eachother but somehow we are also arguing a LOT and we don’t have common hobbies, interests. So i have all this thoughts. What if I had a girl which has some interest same as me, or that do something awsome that inspires me or makes me try this. Or a girl that could spend time with me on our common hobby. What if… I didn’t took first girl from the shore…. And instead, choose a girl which I really like to spend time with. But now I’m trapped. My current girlfriend has some depression issues and she were talking a lot about us and how we will have our home and her dreamed german shepherd. I feel like a total coward and a monster. Even if she asks me(and she does when I can’t hide something) I just can’t say that someting is not right. Once I tried to take a step to just slow down our relationship. But in argue she said that we are together or we breake up completly and never contact eachother. I’ve seen her reacting to some problems. She is VERY sensitive. I know that if I try to end our relationship she will take this very hard. I don’t want to hurt her. And I dont wan’t to lose her completly. I’m too fcked up to break up with her…………….

    • Davey January 17, 2016 at 2:15 pm #

      Dude, either the two of you get counseling from a professional, or you must move on. The other choice is to live with the situation. Do you see yourself ten, twenty years from now wishing you would have left?
      There is no such thing as an easy break up. Been there done that. It hurts. Even though you know it’s the right thing to do, you miss her, you care about her, you wonder if she is okay. But the fact still remains that you are not meant for each other. If that is the case, do yourself and her a favor and move on. Trust me, you are better off with zero contact.
      So, either get professional help or move on. You are a monster if you stay.

  16. Cassy January 24, 2016 at 11:18 pm #

    I have been dating this guy for a few months now, and I feel a little stuck in my emotions right now. I really do love him, he means a lot to me. But I can’t stand how much he talks about his ex. I asked him if he still loved her and he said ¨yes, but I would never be with her again¨ right to my face. It hurt me so bad, and the fact that he still talks to this girl and texts her kills me inside. What do I do? I have met someone else who knows I’m in a relationship, but says that he will wait for me. I am so lost! I care for both of them, but I hate being compared to a guys ex. Someone please help?!

    • Davey January 25, 2016 at 8:04 pm #

      I am more than 50 year old so I have been through a lot in my life. I have learned that respect for each other is far more important than love. You can claim to love someone but if you don’t respect the person, the relationship will never be a satisfying one. In your situation, the fellow does not respect you otherwise he would have stopped. Perhaps you love him but if you are already eyeing someone else, I don’t think you are in love with him. When you are truly in love, you never look for another conquest. For me, when I am in love, Miss Universe could fall all over me but it wouldn’t mean a thing. I think this guy is trouble and you need to move on.

Leave a Reply