I love everything you wrote. Would love some more guidelines

True… I delayed my leaving time for almost 1 whole month, dragging me into my revision crisis for the upcoming examination….It was like living in hell… Agree, I would say i thought that way, i knew i can’t fake a relationship, but somehow, I can’t do it, I still stay, trying to fix, struggle, pleading, being pleaded, problems…. only a few people can withstand the guilty such as “i don’t want to hurt her” etc…

Now I’m glad I’m moved on, I find happiness when I’m alone again… Thanks to this site, best appreciation!! I’m in recovery process currently, and I feel somehow, some good feeling is coming my way, it was fun ^.^

This is a long post.
I am finding this site so helpful with this stressful situation I’m in. I’ve been in a relationship for 16yrs, and it is at its end. We are staying together right now because I do feel a great deal of guilt about my feelings, and because he’s said that I’m responsible for his life.

I’ve been thinking and reading a lot in the past several months (nearly a year), trying to find out how to make things bearable and keep the relationship going. I spent a whole weekend just crying a few months ago, I told him we were broken and I don’t know how to fix us, and he promissed he’d change.

I should mention he’s not a bad person. He’s never been abusive toward me, he is a considerate lover, and he’s just basically a decent guy. The only thing I consider a serious flaw in him is a little bit of racial intolerance. We aren’t compatible in how we deal with conflict, we don’t share parenting philosophies, and we have different life goals.

I feel like I’ve compromised everything for this relationship, and I just can’t do it anymore. This site is helping me to see how to deal with the emotional fallout when the relationship has been officially broken off, and the section that deals with the 7 steps to “doing the deed” (sorry if that sounds trite, it’s not meant to) is invaluable. However, I’ve not found anything that deals with the “dumpee” saying their life will be over. I have read other places that this kind of talk is just “emotional blackmail”, and that it should be ignored. But what if it’s not just an idle threat?

I would feel devastated if he took his own life because I’d ended ours together. But my biggest concern is the impact that would have on my son, who is 18 and has known this man for most of his life. He’s a young man himself who is going through all the angsty stuff teens go through, has Asperger’s, and has expressed suicidal ideas himself over the years. I just worry about that a lot.

Any feedback on this would be helpful.

Thanks for the feedback above.

Susan, I sympathize with your situation. It’s very difficult to overcome the momentum of a 16-year relationship. It’s good that you’ve been informing yourself about these issues.

You’re right: This is the very definition of emotional blackmail. You’re no longer a partner in this relationship; you’re a hostage.

Threatening suicide is an especially violent form of emotional abuse. I’m not saying that your partner is a bad person, but for whatever reason he’s learned an especially harmful way to cope with the situation.

I’m very familiar with Asperger’s, and I’m sure you have separate challenges involving raising your son. You certainly don’t need this toxic relationship spoiling your life.

Because of the length of your relationship, you may need the help of a mental health professional to help you get the courage to leave. Be clear with the counselor on what you want; otherwise he/she may assume you’re looking to reconcile. If you don’t have money for a counselor, hopefully you can find free or “sliding scale” resources near you.

Me and my boyfriend of 2 months broke up a month ago. Last 2 weeks of our relationship, he’d act distant, hot one day and cold the next day.I knew something had to be up. He does become distant at times, but when I would ask what’s wrong, he wouldn’t really say,and make it seem as everything is ok. And I thought it was because I had no reason to not believe or not to trust him. Last time we planned to hang out, he tried to blow off our plans to go see someone he’s met once, for some “fun” while we are dating!! He didn’t because I found out about this all in the same day. It made me feel very sick inside, confused and shaky. Our relationship seemed so great in many ways and most of the time we coulnd’t keep off each other. We had strong attraction. I confronted him and we talked for a really, really long time about everything. He’s made it clear to me that it’s not the time for him to be in a relationship, and that he wanted to tell me for a while but didn’t know how to do so(which I think is BS excuse, because if I’d ask him what’s wrong, he wouldn’t tell me)he said he wants to be friends for now, and that “he could see us dating in the future again.”( Those exact words leave me hanging with my hopes up, everytime I try to move on.) It was tough to accept but I did, and I admit I didn’t want to loose him whether we are lovers or friends, I love him very much so, and would’t trade him for the world, he is different than many guys I have been with, it’s a whole another story to explain, but I wasn’t going to force a relationship on him if he didn’t want to be in one anymore.

I backed off completely decided to leave him alone, not talk to him, as well as keep my distance to try and get over him. I was really hurt.I started to kind of move on, but not even 4 days pass after our break up he talks to me again, telling me he was scared he lost me completely, and since talks to me almost every day on AIM, wondering how I am doing, what am I up to, etc.Talking to him seems like we are in a relationship again, because we talk about the usual things, I’d tell him I miss him, he tells me he misses me more, or vise versa, then tells me to come over ( since he knows I feel very strong for him, he’s told me no one has ever liked him this much before ). He tells me how beautifull I am and how sexy my body is, how bad he wants me but when I tell him how I feel about him, and how much he means to me (which I have no problem doing so), he’d respond with things like “no one has ever told me this before” or smile, or be like “woow, really?!”, or he would just ask me to come over to his place.

All this non-sence make me wonder is he trying to use me? because there is no doubt he is sexually attracted to me and knows how much I like him! Or does he just want me around with no strings attached to mingle whenever he feels like it? Maybe keep me untill someone better comes along? We broke up because of him, after few weeks he admited to me he really really screwed up, but said it is too soon to be in a relationship again, and we continue to talk and tell each other we miss one another, etc.Why is he confusing me like this? I am giving him another chance to be with me just like that! I forgave him completely, told him how I completely feel and if he admits he screwed up, talks to me almost every other day ( about nothing important ), tries to tell me to come over every chance he can, says he misses me, etc. but why doesn’t he make much more effort to tell me how he feels about me? Why doesn’t return my feelings? I try not to talk to him, but I give in everytime and we end up having pointless conversations like we used to, which is great but it doesn’t help me to get over him AT ALL, ( if he is not willing to be feeling as strong for me as I feel for him) neither is being intimate with him while we aren’t dating, since it hurts me allot more because I am confused of whether he really likes me. (We haven’t seen each other since we broke up, because I work allot, but he does ask me to hang out allot after work which is later in the evening, and I know when we see each other, it’s hard to resist for both of us not to be all over each other).

What should I do??? He means allot to me, and I’d hate to just loose him like that. How many of you have been in this situation? Or currently are? and how are you dealing with all of this? Anyone who had to deal with this, what was the outcome? Was it worth it? Is it worth to wait for him or should I move on completely?NEED HELP ASAP! Please and Thank you very much in advance!

(No silly answers please!!! )

I was once in a relationship that sucked, but I was so gripped by fear and guilt that I didn’t do anything about it for 3-4 months. People would ask me why I didn’t just leave, and to tell you the truth, I’m not sure. But I know guilt was part of the reason…

Amy, I really think this man is using you, even if it wasn’t his intention in the beginning. He seems to have a strong fear of commitment and this is not an easy thing to deal with. I recommend you the book of Steven Carter “Men Who Can’t Love”. I’m sure you’ll found out why this guy is behaving the way he is. I think you need to move out and quickly. Take good care of yourself,
John

I have been dating this very devoted man for a year and a half. For the last month or two I have had an overwhelming crush on someone. I know how badly this will hurt and still don’t know where to stand, but this article hit the spot

I have been with the same man for nearly 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs.

He is authentically a good person. But lately all I do is dream about how it would be to be with another man. Perhaps it is because I’ve changed throughout my twenties and I want different things(?)

Or maybe it’s that I want to start thinking about having a future and family and I want to be sure that my man can take “care” financially.

Whatever it is though it frightens me to leave him and I tried but he refused and begged me to not leave. So I failed in doing so.

My problem is also that I think about how it would be to be no longer together and I can’t bear the thought of him being with another woman. Our sex life is absolutely fantastic. But I’m not 100% happy.

I’m stuck. Feeling helpless.

@Zazie – zazie dear, most the time if you ever find yourself in that type of situation you already the answer. It is very hard, the amount of fear and anxiety your suffering is very understandable, but if i may i didnt have nearly the same length of a relationship as you currently have but i had similar circumstances. and the worst of all was the sex bit. my three year relationship ended sep’09, but it seemed more mutual even though i kinda had to initiate the breakup-we just kept having the same arguments over and over, i think i just realized one moment that it finally had to end. anyway, i miss her terribly at times, it hurts badly. She was also my friend and companion, a lover and confidant. By far the best sexual partner ive ever had…no lie. and that still hurts alot thinking about the loss of physicallity with her. she was a good fit in that regard.
Its hard lady, very hard, i am by no means healed, but ive followed no contact and try everyday to find the positive. Im not even sure i had any advice for you, i just know that we have similar thoughts about the sexual part-i found it very hard to give up and let go, ive never had a lover so great (but it also dawned on me this very important thought) initially she wasnt a great lover, and it took time and coaching (i was a little more experienced) i’m saying that part of her being such a good lover was because of the amount of time i put into that part of us, and thankfully she was very receptive. Of couse she brought her own talents to the table but it was after we established such good comfort with each other. For you zazie im sure you can find that again, and i hope to be blessed to find it again as well. Because admittedly im a very physical person, i like close proximity often, naturally i dont think it would work out with someone who isnt the same.
keep the faith-listen to your heart and all the brave souls here who have taken that step willingly or not. I wish you peace and everyone here, it is very hard to lose someone you love. But often we stare so long at the door that closes instead of the one that opens.
Ive bought some self help books off the net, amazon and what not. they go with me wherever i travel, and i find them very helpful and comforting. maybe you should consider the same.
My best,
chief

My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over two years. We excitedly moved in together about four months ago, and broke up three days ago.

Shortly after we moved in together i started feeling like we weren’t compatible: we are different people, different personalities, and have different interests. But on the other hand, we really do complement each other well: she’s very patient and tolerant, supporting and uplifting, and very cuddly. We had stopped connecting so well over the past few months. I thought it was because of our differences in personality. Last night we talked a lot about our relationship, and analyzed the elements that could have contributed to our communication going downhill: me not talking enough, not being interested in each others’ interests, or not even being inquisitive about them.

So it started with me thinking that we were just different, and that maybe someone similar to me would make me happier (I was not sad or miserable in this relationship. I was actually happy. But the thought that maybe I would be better off with someone else festered inside of me.) I felt that I needed to explore more people and find what was really compatible with me.

From our talk last night, I feel that there IS something to fix in our relationship: our communication with each other. It kills me to think that maybe I ended a good thing that “simply” needed to be talked out. and worked on. We have both been incredibly devastated these past few days. I did not think that I would feel like this. Is this a sign that maybe we should not have broken up, that I actually did needlessly end a good thing?

I have recently had a breakup from a long distance relationship. I met him on a social networking site and had an instant liking for him. When we became friends within a day or two he expressed his love to me, which was mostly an impulsive action. But then as we continued talking we realised the strong mutual attraction we had for each other. With days becoming week and week turning months, this feeling only got stronger. Everything was fine but I had a secret. Something which would show him the new me. Since the things happened unexpectedly I had no idea how to reveal it to him. And then wen we got involved it got tougher, as he seemed to be the best thing that happened to me all my life.I delayed it to 5-6 months and then one day it got unearthed by him. I accepted and hoped he could forgive. But sadly that dint happen. He changed his ways and said we cant go on now. I would cling on to him, hoping he would return. Sadly am still in the same phase now. It been about 2 weeks now and i am surprised how different n difficult life is without him. He seems to have moved on. He also said if i had told him the reason before, things would have been good between us. So its a shut door to me. In a week i will meet him as it was a planned visit to him. I havent canceled the visit but I am dead scared of my own reaction. This would be the first time we would be meeting after our months of talking and I dun want to miss on it. If anybody could then please suggest me if I should meet him..

What if you’ve already told the other person your feelings, but they refuse to accept that you no longer feel the same towards them? What if they insist on pretending everything is okay?

What do you do if your partner is in denial and refuses to let go?

well, I notice most of these post are for the “dumpee” healing, but what should the heartbroken “dumper” do? I once ended a relationship due to confusion, misery, and sugnificantly less happiness than before. I felt what i was doing was for the best in the long run. Imediatly after the break up i regreted what i did considerably and tried to convice the boy to give us a second chance. he didn’t. I was thrown into a severe depression but is now on the mend after much hard work and attmepted positive thinking. So, what is a person like me to do when confronted with leaving the person they love on there own accord? What can a person do to get over a first love? Is there a way to find closure when you were the one who provoked the whole situation?

Kelsey has a point… Sometimes the person who is doing the dumping is still dealing with a lot of pain as well as all the internal conflict that comes from being the one who had to make the decision in the first place…

Kelsey,

My post is about three above yours, written 11/23. I am in the same boat. Immediately I wanted to get back together with my girlfriend, and about four days after the breakup I tried to tell her we should fix things, but she didn’t want to, said it was too late. After Thanksgiving break I kept trying, and it seemed like it was going somewhere, but then she said that she needed a few weeks without contact from me, so that she could figure out what was good for her. That was very hard but I gave her space to think.

The day of reckoning came yesterday. We met up and talked for a long time, but she had pretty much made up her mind that it wasn’t going to work out between us. The main problem for her is that she doesn’t feel she can trust my feelings anymore, that this might happen again and she doesn’t want to go through the heartbreak again. I don’t know what your situation is, Kelsey, if your guy still loves you but is scared or what. But for me, I feel like I can’t stop fighting because she is still in love with me. So I have to decide if I want to hold onto her and the pain of not being with her, the idea of maybe getting her back but keep trying, or if I should just try to move on and heal.

Best to you, Kelsey. Keep us posted.

@john – I feel exactly like you do. I just ended my relationship of almost 2 years because I felt like I just wasn’t happy. I will not say he was good or bad, he is just a person, with faults and virtues, and of coursr there were good things and bad things in our relationship, but in the end, I just didn’t feel like I could be myself, I felt emotionally distant from him, like what you described: like we’re too different, we want different things and we are not compatible. Also, that he didn’t take much interest in what I do.

But like Kelsey above mentioned, I immediately felt like I made a huge mistake by letting this guy go. I honestly believe he is my soulmate, I love him with all my heart and soul and now I have this nagging feeling that this could have been discussed, instead of cut so suddenly. To be honest, we had not been fighting or anything. I just got to the point where I was too unhappy and I felt I needed to leave, and stop wasting both his and my time. I basically lost all hope for the relationship.

I should mention that we’re in a long distance relationship since 9 months ago and there seemed to be no end in sight…

but he did make a plan to come see me in the spring. Now I think, I wasn’t patient enough. I am drying to try to talk him back, but I think thats more a mistake than not. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I was too impulsive and this has a chance. If anyone has any advice, I’d greatly appreciate it

when we do whatever that may even sem as a sudden move at first, has, I am sure, been dugested throughoutly in your mind first… so the decision to split was not a sudden one. It is a hard time the first few weeks or the first few days, and it may look like a mistake and if it is you will know later, but do not jump back into it now… heal an dlet yourself reflect on what has happened.
Peace,

Thanks you…I agree, I also feel that although I can’t pinpoint al my reasons, I know I was unhappy and miserable. Like you said, this had been “digesting” inside me for a long time before. However, the thought that I made have been rash, or too hard assaults me from time to time. It’s only been 10 days, and I’m in a rollercoaster of emotions: one day I feel good, the next I’m crushed, and so on…but overall I felt I needed to leave. I still don’t feel my partner did anything particularly horrible, or is a bad person at all. I just was not happy there (and I have a feeling neither was he, but he went along…) I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I still can’t shake the feelings of guilt though…that I wasn’t strong enough to see this relationship through, that I didn’t have enough patience, that I “bailed” when a problem arose… it’s like I can’t see my efforts anymore and I just look at what I left and I feel like a monster for having left this man who I thought would be the one I’d spend my life with.

But then, there are times when I think of what I lost and it feels like I lost nothing, because in truth, I had nothing to begin with. At least, nothing substantial to really build a future on. Not even a promise to be together, just thoughts here and there.

I don’t want to be a “thought” or an “option” to the one I love. I want to be his priority. Is that too much to ask?

Sorry if this is long. I just needed to vent. Thank you for your kind words~