I love everything you wrote. Would love some more guidelines

True… I delayed my leaving time for almost 1 whole month, dragging me into my revision crisis for the upcoming examination….It was like living in hell… Agree, I would say i thought that way, i knew i can’t fake a relationship, but somehow, I can’t do it, I still stay, trying to fix, struggle, pleading, being pleaded, problems…. only a few people can withstand the guilty such as “i don’t want to hurt her” etc…

Now I’m glad I’m moved on, I find happiness when I’m alone again… Thanks to this site, best appreciation!! I’m in recovery process currently, and I feel somehow, some good feeling is coming my way, it was fun ^.^

This is a long post.
I am finding this site so helpful with this stressful situation I’m in. I’ve been in a relationship for 16yrs, and it is at its end. We are staying together right now because I do feel a great deal of guilt about my feelings, and because he’s said that I’m responsible for his life.

I’ve been thinking and reading a lot in the past several months (nearly a year), trying to find out how to make things bearable and keep the relationship going. I spent a whole weekend just crying a few months ago, I told him we were broken and I don’t know how to fix us, and he promissed he’d change.

I should mention he’s not a bad person. He’s never been abusive toward me, he is a considerate lover, and he’s just basically a decent guy. The only thing I consider a serious flaw in him is a little bit of racial intolerance. We aren’t compatible in how we deal with conflict, we don’t share parenting philosophies, and we have different life goals.

I feel like I’ve compromised everything for this relationship, and I just can’t do it anymore. This site is helping me to see how to deal with the emotional fallout when the relationship has been officially broken off, and the section that deals with the 7 steps to “doing the deed” (sorry if that sounds trite, it’s not meant to) is invaluable. However, I’ve not found anything that deals with the “dumpee” saying their life will be over. I have read other places that this kind of talk is just “emotional blackmail”, and that it should be ignored. But what if it’s not just an idle threat?

I would feel devastated if he took his own life because I’d ended ours together. But my biggest concern is the impact that would have on my son, who is 18 and has known this man for most of his life. He’s a young man himself who is going through all the angsty stuff teens go through, has Asperger’s, and has expressed suicidal ideas himself over the years. I just worry about that a lot.

Any feedback on this would be helpful.

Thanks for the feedback above.

Susan, I sympathize with your situation. It’s very difficult to overcome the momentum of a 16-year relationship. It’s good that you’ve been informing yourself about these issues.

You’re right: This is the very definition of emotional blackmail. You’re no longer a partner in this relationship; you’re a hostage.

Threatening suicide is an especially violent form of emotional abuse. I’m not saying that your partner is a bad person, but for whatever reason he’s learned an especially harmful way to cope with the situation.

I’m very familiar with Asperger’s, and I’m sure you have separate challenges involving raising your son. You certainly don’t need this toxic relationship spoiling your life.

Because of the length of your relationship, you may need the help of a mental health professional to help you get the courage to leave. Be clear with the counselor on what you want; otherwise he/she may assume you’re looking to reconcile. If you don’t have money for a counselor, hopefully you can find free or “sliding scale” resources near you.

Me and my boyfriend of 2 months broke up a month ago. Last 2 weeks of our relationship, he’d act distant, hot one day and cold the next day.I knew something had to be up. He does become distant at times, but when I would ask what’s wrong, he wouldn’t really say,and make it seem as everything is ok. And I thought it was because I had no reason to not believe or not to trust him. Last time we planned to hang out, he tried to blow off our plans to go see someone he’s met once, for some “fun” while we are dating!! He didn’t because I found out about this all in the same day. It made me feel very sick inside, confused and shaky. Our relationship seemed so great in many ways and most of the time we coulnd’t keep off each other. We had strong attraction. I confronted him and we talked for a really, really long time about everything. He’s made it clear to me that it’s not the time for him to be in a relationship, and that he wanted to tell me for a while but didn’t know how to do so(which I think is BS excuse, because if I’d ask him what’s wrong, he wouldn’t tell me)he said he wants to be friends for now, and that “he could see us dating in the future again.”( Those exact words leave me hanging with my hopes up, everytime I try to move on.) It was tough to accept but I did, and I admit I didn’t want to loose him whether we are lovers or friends, I love him very much so, and would’t trade him for the world, he is different than many guys I have been with, it’s a whole another story to explain, but I wasn’t going to force a relationship on him if he didn’t want to be in one anymore.

I backed off completely decided to leave him alone, not talk to him, as well as keep my distance to try and get over him. I was really hurt.I started to kind of move on, but not even 4 days pass after our break up he talks to me again, telling me he was scared he lost me completely, and since talks to me almost every day on AIM, wondering how I am doing, what am I up to, etc.Talking to him seems like we are in a relationship again, because we talk about the usual things, I’d tell him I miss him, he tells me he misses me more, or vise versa, then tells me to come over ( since he knows I feel very strong for him, he’s told me no one has ever liked him this much before ). He tells me how beautifull I am and how sexy my body is, how bad he wants me but when I tell him how I feel about him, and how much he means to me (which I have no problem doing so), he’d respond with things like “no one has ever told me this before” or smile, or be like “woow, really?!”, or he would just ask me to come over to his place.

All this non-sence make me wonder is he trying to use me? because there is no doubt he is sexually attracted to me and knows how much I like him! Or does he just want me around with no strings attached to mingle whenever he feels like it? Maybe keep me untill someone better comes along? We broke up because of him, after few weeks he admited to me he really really screwed up, but said it is too soon to be in a relationship again, and we continue to talk and tell each other we miss one another, etc.Why is he confusing me like this? I am giving him another chance to be with me just like that! I forgave him completely, told him how I completely feel and if he admits he screwed up, talks to me almost every other day ( about nothing important ), tries to tell me to come over every chance he can, says he misses me, etc. but why doesn’t he make much more effort to tell me how he feels about me? Why doesn’t return my feelings? I try not to talk to him, but I give in everytime and we end up having pointless conversations like we used to, which is great but it doesn’t help me to get over him AT ALL, ( if he is not willing to be feeling as strong for me as I feel for him) neither is being intimate with him while we aren’t dating, since it hurts me allot more because I am confused of whether he really likes me. (We haven’t seen each other since we broke up, because I work allot, but he does ask me to hang out allot after work which is later in the evening, and I know when we see each other, it’s hard to resist for both of us not to be all over each other).

What should I do??? He means allot to me, and I’d hate to just loose him like that. How many of you have been in this situation? Or currently are? and how are you dealing with all of this? Anyone who had to deal with this, what was the outcome? Was it worth it? Is it worth to wait for him or should I move on completely?NEED HELP ASAP! Please and Thank you very much in advance!

(No silly answers please!!! )

I was once in a relationship that sucked, but I was so gripped by fear and guilt that I didn’t do anything about it for 3-4 months. People would ask me why I didn’t just leave, and to tell you the truth, I’m not sure. But I know guilt was part of the reason…

Amy, I really think this man is using you, even if it wasn’t his intention in the beginning. He seems to have a strong fear of commitment and this is not an easy thing to deal with. I recommend you the book of Steven Carter “Men Who Can’t Love”. I’m sure you’ll found out why this guy is behaving the way he is. I think you need to move out and quickly. Take good care of yourself,
John

I have been dating this very devoted man for a year and a half. For the last month or two I have had an overwhelming crush on someone. I know how badly this will hurt and still don’t know where to stand, but this article hit the spot

I have been with the same man for nearly 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs.

He is authentically a good person. But lately all I do is dream about how it would be to be with another man. Perhaps it is because I’ve changed throughout my twenties and I want different things(?)

Or maybe it’s that I want to start thinking about having a future and family and I want to be sure that my man can take “care” financially.

Whatever it is though it frightens me to leave him and I tried but he refused and begged me to not leave. So I failed in doing so.

My problem is also that I think about how it would be to be no longer together and I can’t bear the thought of him being with another woman. Our sex life is absolutely fantastic. But I’m not 100% happy.

I’m stuck. Feeling helpless.

@Zazie – zazie dear, most the time if you ever find yourself in that type of situation you already the answer. It is very hard, the amount of fear and anxiety your suffering is very understandable, but if i may i didnt have nearly the same length of a relationship as you currently have but i had similar circumstances. and the worst of all was the sex bit. my three year relationship ended sep’09, but it seemed more mutual even though i kinda had to initiate the breakup-we just kept having the same arguments over and over, i think i just realized one moment that it finally had to end. anyway, i miss her terribly at times, it hurts badly. She was also my friend and companion, a lover and confidant. By far the best sexual partner ive ever had…no lie. and that still hurts alot thinking about the loss of physicallity with her. she was a good fit in that regard.
Its hard lady, very hard, i am by no means healed, but ive followed no contact and try everyday to find the positive. Im not even sure i had any advice for you, i just know that we have similar thoughts about the sexual part-i found it very hard to give up and let go, ive never had a lover so great (but it also dawned on me this very important thought) initially she wasnt a great lover, and it took time and coaching (i was a little more experienced) i’m saying that part of her being such a good lover was because of the amount of time i put into that part of us, and thankfully she was very receptive. Of couse she brought her own talents to the table but it was after we established such good comfort with each other. For you zazie im sure you can find that again, and i hope to be blessed to find it again as well. Because admittedly im a very physical person, i like close proximity often, naturally i dont think it would work out with someone who isnt the same.
keep the faith-listen to your heart and all the brave souls here who have taken that step willingly or not. I wish you peace and everyone here, it is very hard to lose someone you love. But often we stare so long at the door that closes instead of the one that opens.
Ive bought some self help books off the net, amazon and what not. they go with me wherever i travel, and i find them very helpful and comforting. maybe you should consider the same.
My best,
chief