Most breakups aren't mutual.
Many of us are familiar with the sense of rejection and loss when a partner chooses to leave. You might also be familiar with the difficulty of being the one to initiate the breakup.
Sometimes ending a relationship can be so hard that we put it off for days, weeks, and even years.
Many people get stuck in this stage, and one primary reason for this is an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Relationships end.
They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons.
Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren't compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don't find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships.
Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.
Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about.
The thoughts cycle through our head:
- “I don’t want to hurt her”
- “I feel responsible for him”
- “I can't stand to make her cry”
- “He's not going to be able to cope without me”
- “She's such a good person and doesn't deserve to have her heart broken”
- “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
- “She’s going to hate me forever”
These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person.
However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie.
You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.
It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you.
For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?
I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that – major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis.
However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner.
Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to resent your partner unfairly.
Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.
If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:
1. Heartbreak is a fact of life
As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship.
In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings.
It's futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain.
In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing:
It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.
2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup?
You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.
3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time
You're only becoming more invested as you stay.
You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.
4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings
Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong. Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time.
It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her.
I hope you’re convinced that – once you know you that you want to leave – the breakup should happen sooner rather than later. I’ll be back with more tips for people dealing with the difficult issue of ending a relationship.
-Michael
I have been with my girlfriend for 9 months now (not long compared to some) but she fell for me very quickly and I fell in love with the idea of a relationship. I do love her but I am very much not in love, for a few month now it has dawned on me that the relationship is pointless. I have zero strong feelings towards her and I feel like the worlds worst person for continuing the relationship for her benefit. I know if I left she would fall apart, she lives alone and has no real friends to comfort her during times of need. She has reached the point of wanting to move in but I am at the point of wanting to move on.
I care dearly for her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I can’t keep the relationship running on false love and lies. She is clingy and very needy but due to me being the first real relationship she has had, that wasn’t a week long because some guy wanted to get his leg over… I can kind of see why. She was always unappreciated by family, friends and exs.
Normally I am more than happy to be brutally honest and say “enough, we aren’t working” but for about 3 months now I have been feeling too much guilt to do it.
This relationship has been more than just ‘boy and girl like each other and get together’ it has been the first bit of happiness she has felt for well over 3 years, the first person she has been comfortable enough with to open up emotionally and the first person she has truly trusted in a long frickin time. And I feel like a monster for letting it get this far.
I truly need some suggestions as to what I can do. I don’t want to keep her focused on a non-existent future.
@Tye, if your problem is not physically attracted to her and it’s because of her overweight, have you thought of convincing her to work out with you together? A body transformation is not that easy but the final result would dazzle you…I’ve seen quite a few women (and guys as well) who look amazing after they drop the extra weight and gain some muscle. It’s like a totally different person before and after. After a woman becomes more attractive appearance-wise, she would also gain much more confidence in herself and receive a lot compliments from other people. This might change her sense of insecurity dramatically as well.
If you are only dissatisfied with her physique, consider my suggestion. There are a lot programs you can use to achieve the results quickly if you persist, such as T25, P90X etc.
However, if your problem is not only her appearance, but also her personality, mentality or other intangible issues. You should man up and break up with her. It will hurt her initially but time will heal.
Well I am a 47 year old woman about to walk out on her 20 year relationship and 16 year marriage, which should have been done long ago. I was originally married at 17 to a guy I had dated since the age of 13, we had a son when I was 20 and at 24 he left me for another woman. Desperate to get my life back I have made mistake after mistake and after getting together with the man I am married to now, on both sides we have had affairs and then tried to put it behind us and for the last 5 years we have had a reasonably settled life after I got over his affair 10 years ago. The thing is my 2 kids are grown up and the eldest has flown the nest and only have a 21 year old at home. I am back to feeling unsettled and looking for that something to complete my life and just feel that it is not him. I am desperate to move away and by move away I mean 250 miles away on my own where no one knows me to start a brand new life without all the hurt drama and crap that has gone on in my life, this also includes family drama and upset.
I feel so guilty about doing this but also know I need to do this rather than live with a “what if” for the remaining years of my life. My husband is HGV driver so away all week anyway and has only been home 2 days a week for the last 18 years. My youngest son of 21 just grunts at me 10 mins before he leaves for work and 10 mins when he comes home from work and then withdraws to his room. I have a great circle of friends, who think my husband is a rare bread and the opposite to me, and they all wish me luck in moving away. I have estranged parents who live in the same village and my eldest son is estranged too, but sees his grandparents in the village but doesn’t see his brother whom lives at home with us etc etc and the feud goes on.
Am I so selfish to want a new life for myself and can I make this new life happen without humping all the guilt away with me. I hope so and I know that one day someone will make me happy and fill that gap that has been missing in my life but for now and for the first time in my life I can say “I want to be on my own”.and just be on my own in a new city and a new job.
wish me luck
I am a 29 year old male, have been dateing my girlfrind for about 6 months. My girlfriend and i are constantly arguing and i want to leave her. I am, soon actually. I feel terrible though because she has breast cancer .she guilt trips me about it all the time. I think she would try to kill herself if i left her. Bt i cannot continue. I work so much and this isnt fair to me. I come home to a hormonal ccranky, crazy lady after a long day of work. If i dont leave things wont end up well. I feel bad but i have to be happy too.
I’m gonna first of say that I have an extremely bad problem. I’ve been dating this girl for a little over 9 months and she is the first girlfriend that I’ve ever had. But ever since we stopped seeing each other, things have gotten really bad. She’s cheated on my I think thrice. And she thinks it’s ok to tell 2 guys that she loves them. She never sees me even though we live pretty close to each other. And every time I try to break up with her, she guilts me back. I’m not happy anymore and I haven’t been for a long time. I keep lying and saying that I love her but I don’t think I really do. And she threatens to kill herself if I try and break up with her. And I am worried she will because she cuts herself and has attempted suicide before. I haven’t seen her since December and we haven’t hung out or even kissed since September and she constantly makes me feel like a terrible person. All our relationship is, is texting and sometimes skyping. I want to leave her but I’m not sure how. Please give me an answer if you have one.
I am in a similar situation guiltygirl. The pretending is driving me crazy. I just have to do it and go on, if he wanted to breakup with me he wouldn’t hesitate. I did love him in the beginning, however he has a really bad temper and on a few occasions I experienced it, which killedost all of the love I had for him yet I still feel guilty about leaving. Its April 17 today and I am wondering how you are and if you broke up. I leaving h this Friday and looking forward to being happy again.
I have been in a 2 1/2 year relationship with by bf of whom I really do love. We have had our ups and downs he is a bit controlling, annoying, and needy. In the beginning it was peaches and cream but to be honest the entire relationship was a lie. I feel like he has suckered me into this relationship. I’ve given a lot of passes in this relationship that I haven’t in any other relationship. I know that I should have spoken on them then and not sweep them under the rug or act like it wasn’t bothering me. I started living with him and his sister to be closer to work after he told me it would be fine. As I go to work everyday couldn’t wait to get off to be with my man I was happy as chesire cat. At the same time we are closer as close can be he doesn’t want to be in the house he wants to hang out and come in when it is time to go to sleep. Mind you he wasn’t working acting like he just had it like that. I know that wanting someone to get a job and actually not doing nothing to get one so I just said nothing a kept it moving. He wasn’t asking me for anything so I wanted to do more just cause you wasn’t asking. He has a heart of gold but a mouth I can duck tape so can’t say such hurtful things which makes me say hurtful things. As time progresses he gets a job but can’t keep a job due to his background. That is a challenge in itself he didn’t tell me he was a felon until 9 months into the relationship. I overlooked that huge red flag contiued to give my loyalty, heart, mind, and soul into this troublesome soul. I believe everybody deserves a second and third chance at living a happy life. I’ve had several break ups but this one is quite different maybe because I am older and wiser lol. I just had a birthday and I found myself thinking about me turning the big 40!!! When I met him I didn’t see a thug or a ghetto person I saw past all that. I saw a man who just needed love and support so I gave him that. I want to be able to say I helped you out from the dark and gave you light and possiblily new meaning of hard work and the strong will to take on the world and no one can stop you. That wasn’t good enough. I had to more than I realized. Helping him meant loosing me. Living with his sister became unbearable I was tired of being there this isn’t what I wanted. He isn’t the man I could myself with but he was a soul that didn’t have a strong support system. Common sense should have told me that knowing all of that how was he going to give me anything more than what he knew to do. Sadly I kept pushing on telling myself to give it time I’m always quick to give up when you don’t do or say something I don’t like. I can go on and on about the things I’ve done and he’s done we are not perfect. I’ve lived with him for six months in an apartment I worked he didn’t. I wanted to push him to get a job but didn’t want to treat him like he’s a child but I hated the fact I worked he did absolutely nothing to make it easier he did the opposite. I wanted to talk about my day I ended up talking to myself or he was engaged in the phone or social media. All of the things I was doing in the beginning I stopped. I used to be elated to see his warm smile warm hugs to be disgusted when I saw him. I wanted him to leave because he wasn’t doing shit for me like I was doing for him. So I let the apartment go on purpose hoping he would just leave or find someone else nope that didn’t work. He got another job we moved together again I’ve left him three times and all three times I’ve returned to more bullshit more dumb ass arguements about me not caring for him like he’s been for me. We all know that’s bullshit why do I always feel guilty when he should be. I think he’s been unfaithful just can’t prove it. Maybe I do look for ways to get out instead of just facing it and say WE ARE OVER…… I need help bad I’ve told my friends and family I’m done with him but I go back because he don’t have anybody in his corner but me and GOD.. he is not on speaking terms with his mom so he doesn’t have anything place to live he says. He expects me to take on wifely duties when I am not his wife. Instead of me going home I got to make sure you straight food changing clothes etc.. mind you I live on the other side of Atlanta traffic is horrible. I’ve told him I need a break he ignored it due to his living situation I got to be on call 24hrs a day I supposed to answer every call give give give when it was I time all I wanted was to be around you. I fell back completely I think he know’s that’s why he tells me I’m cheating because I don’t answer my phone or I’m cheating. Why can’t I just need a break from your nagging ass or so you won’t ask me for something. He says he is a man but don’t act like it….this is what is I am tired of putting my self on hold because my man is less fortunate. Tell me am I being selfish and petty? I just want to be with someone who is for me
I feel terrible.
I have been having second thoughts for a month or so, I have been in this relationship for 2 and a half years. We broke up almost a year ago because I cheated. I guess I didn’t know what to do then. We were apart for 4 months and I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
I randomly called her one day and we started talking about everything. We had both since been in minor relationships with other people, she was still in a relationship. I told her I loved her and I wanted her back and she came back to me.
Ever since we got back together we would fight about everything. She didn’t trust me (understandably) and I was trying to do everything to make it right. She was anxious about everything I ever did with my phone and what I was doing when I went out with my friends without her. To a point where the anxiety got so bad that I literally couldn’t see my friends anymore. Now don’t get me wrong when things were good and they were, we never felt better. The sex is amazing and we have an amazing emotional connection.
I decide to start talking to a therapist, when I do all of the bad things I feel towards her start coming out and we end up fighting more and more. I feel that I am responsible for two people’s happiness in this relationship. Mine and hers. We have another final massive fight about this and I feel something in myself just give out.
The thing is, we give it a week off. In that week I tell her I want to break up with her but she insists she has changed and she has. She decides for herself that I can’t be responsible for her feelings and she decides that it’s not up to me to save this relationship. She literally does a complete about face, the anxiety is gone and she’s making friends at work. This is great for her, I really think so! I’m just not in it.
Fast forward to tonight, after 8 days of this “new” thing, I am planning on ending it. She comes over and I can’t just do it. We end up going for dinner and have a really great time, then we have sex, great passionate sex. I can’t shake the feeling of breaking up though. We go to bed to sleep and I tell her I can’t do it anymore. She says I’m a terrible asshole for making her think everything was alright. She feels used and rightly so, I feel like a complete load of garbage. I slept on the couch tonight and I’m typing this in the morning. I’m about to wake her up so she can get all of her stuff.
Am I the world’s shittiest person for wanting to have a nice day and night and not having the balls to just break up with her?
I think so.
(Any advice would be great)
I feel like you’re thinking more with your dick than your head, given that you have cheated on her before and described having great sex with her twice in your story. I think you need to sit down and realize that you’re staying with this girl just because you have great sex. I know you wrote, “we have an amazing emotional connection”, but I feel like that’s not the main reason you’re staying – it’s because you like the sex.
This, of course, would be fine if you were both mutual about the relationship, but from my experience, a girl may take the sex as a “well, maybe this will show him I’m serious and he will stay”. And unfortunately, I think she’s convinced she can change you. But since you want to break it off, this is not the case.
You need to stop playing with this girl and tell her it’s over. Block her, delete her, leave her alone so you both can live the lives you want to live.
Im just ended a 3yr relationship which in that time he put me through hell..he had just come out of a marriagecand found me on fb..i felt sorry 4 him because his wife left him and totally ignored him he was angry drinking all the time..he done some bad stuff smashing my kitchen then taking my house cat and dumping her..which i never found her..yeah he had issues which i helped him with and has improved but still binge drinks which i cudnt stand nomore so ended it..he went 2 stay with a friend then came over 1 nite with 2 bottles of spirits already drunk and give me verbal abuse and threatening behaviour saying he is going 2 make my life hell for ending it..he left and i was so upset and confused. Since then hes been back in work and txting and ringing me saying how much he loves me..and hope we got a future 2gether..like if nothing happened i know he is never going 2 change and cant deal with his issues no more i feel i ave helped him as best i cud but he doesnt seem 2 care about how i feel..he just says i think u need help..i am scared of what hes going 2 do if i stop responding 2 him he has the same pattern with exes but i just want it over and get on with my life..i dont want 2 go back out of guilt please any advice..
In life we all come to a point where we must make a very difficult decision, but if we never make it how will we know the true outcome. Being honest and true with a person goes along way, and sometimes we forget that. Don’t be afraid to do what is best for you and the situation at hand. Because your insight and courage will help every person involved in the end. Sometimes those we love we must let go because it’s not fair to ourselves or them to continue to lie or prolong a ending situation that’s going to end anyway. No you’re not a bad person, or terrible person but you should be the honest and courageous person. My advice have a true sit down, express your real feelings and hear them out as well but in your in conclusion end it, and set you both free to go and find happiness with the one person that’s right for you both. Love is understanding, so at the end of it all…. they will understand why it had to end if they love you….
My story is a little bit different than most of yours.. mine is a 5 months relationship. It began “accidentally” in the beginning of college. He’s an overly attached boyfriend, overly jealous and insecure, but also so caring and so romantic and sincere, he’s a very sweet guy. We’re 22 and 23. He’s my classmate, we have common friends which makes things more complicated, especially that since he’ve known me, he refuses to make any friends of him so he just follows me everywhere, I see him everywhere I go, and sometime I just fantasize about being alone, he refuses to go out to any party or anything and tells me that he just wanna be with me in our appartement and cuddle me all day long.. I can’t take it anymore. To be honest I never loved him I went out with him because I was feeling lonely and at my age I just wanted someone to love me and care about me, WORST MISTAKE I’VE EVER DONE, and I feel horrible about it. He loves me so much, cries everytime we fight and I decide to leave (because we live together, also a mistake cause it happened too soon). He can feel that I don’t love him, but I keep telling him that I do out of guilt.. I’m his first love and the very first girl he presented to his parents, meanwhile my mother doesn’t even know he exists.. I don’t feel like I’m the same anymore, never felt a connexion and never felt that he’s really my boyfriend. Believe it or not, ’til now we’ve never had sex, I keep telling him that I’m not ready and everytime make something up to keep him from touching me, he talks about sex almost everyday and we fight almost everyday but he tells me that he loves me and he can wait for me to be ready but I know deep inside that none of that is going to happen, I wanna finish this relationship, I don’t feel happy anymore, this is destroying me, I don’t sleep, I feel lonely especially when he’s around, I care so much for him he’s a great guy but I do have the right to be happy too. I don’t wanna be the cause of his educational failure, ’cause he’s going to see me everyday in front of him in class and that is going to break his heart even more. I’m lost..
I have been in a relationship for fifteen years now. It’s pretty much been unhappy for at least ten years. I found out that the lady I am in a relationship with lied to me several times by faking pregnancies to keep me vested. She knew that having a child ment a lot to me and used this against me. I didn’t leave her because I love her son that I have raised. I am fortyfive now and really don’t see having children this late. The point being is, I hate her. I hate everything about her. I can’t forgive her. I have tried but I just can’t forgive such. Just when I had worked myself up to leaving, she was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed. She survived. I was getting ready to leave again, and I be damn if she didn’t have to have open heart surgery. Yet again she survived. What should I do? Any thoughts?
I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years (engaged for 3 years). When our relationship first started, things were fun and light. Before long, feelings grew deeper and we began exclusively seeing each other. Even then, I knew deep down that he was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but I was really enjoying the relationship at that moment and saw no problem with continuing to see each other. We fell in love, him more so than me.
Long story short, we end up getting engaged 3 years after meeting (even then my gut said don’t do it) and moved into a house together. I didn’t want to hurt him so I agreed to get married. Even though my gut knew marriage was the wrong thing to do, my head hoped that my feelings would change and that I would be able to live out my days with him. I never set a date, I never even looked at dresses…I didn’t feel like there was a need, but I couldn’t leave him and hurt him. I kept these feelings to myself and went along with the program. I kept silent and pretended to be eternally happy (for the most part, I was content). Being silent was not the best thing, but I love him and it breaks my heart when he hurts…especially if it is something that I caused. I didn’t want to abandon or reject him when he’s faced so much of that in his lifetime already. Plus, he is very emotional so when he hurts there is lots of crying and agonizing pain involved – it’s difficult to watch.
The longer we’re together, the harder it gets to continue the charade. My stress and anxiety is more intense and I know its because I am in this relationship that is not the right fit for me. He is a WONDERFUL person…loving, thoughtful, kind, sweet, caring (yes, I know), but I just don’t feel like we’re on the same path in life.
It has been 6 years and I am still in this relationship simply because of the guilt I would feel for hurting him. Yes, I love him and care about him very much – but I am only here out of guilt. That’s it.
He is currently seeing a therapist to help him with some ongoing hurt/pain he’s carried since his childhood. I am very proud of him for that. However, the excavating nature of therapy is really taking a toll on him. Its very painful. Now, he says he needs me more than ever…and all I want to do is get away (I feel like the asshole of the century).
After a series of events and lots of praying, I recently summoned the courage and decided that I was going to leave this relationship. The immediate feelings of peace, freedom and excitement were exhilarating! I was on cloud nine. It is extremely clear that I need to leave. I put a deposit down on an apartment (lease is currently unsigned) and started making lists of the things I need to accumulate before the move. He knows nothing about the apartment. I’d planned to have a very carefully prepared talk with him this weekend. I wanted to highlight his good qualities and let him know how proud I am of him for going to therapy, but also explain that this relationship is very strained and should not continue. Unfortunately, he initiated the conversation tonight by saying that it seems he’s lost me and that I’m a million miles away…and so I try to ease into my rehearsed speech, BUT ALL HELL FALLS APART!! He starts sobbing uncontrollably and starts asking “why do people always leave me…what’s wrong with me???” Are you kidding?!?!?! How am I supposed to proceed with that out on the table? I tried my best to console him and tell him that there is nothing wrong with him I just feel like we need a break…its probably only temporary (NOT in my original speech). It didn’t work…I’ve hurt him badly. He goes on to say that we made a commitment to each other and that we’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives together which means that you work through the bad times, but you don’t leave! Again…asshole of the year over here (arrow pointing in my direction).
He finally stopped crying and went on to work. Now I feel like a turd. I actually started thinking to myself “wow, he loves me so very much…maybe I do need to just ride this out.” Interestingly, the stress knot in the pit of my stomach that had finally dissipated when I started making steps to move on with my life is back. Every fiber of my being is telling me that I need to go…so why can’t I leave?
I’m supposed to sign my apartment lease today. I feel awful.
GuiltyGirl, your post made me laugh and it made me cry. I am going through a similar struggle with my current boyfriend of 18 months.
When we first started dating, My living situation when he and I met was a bit rocky as I wasn’t able to afford the apartment I was leasing. He was my knight in shining armour and came to my rescue. He allowed me to move in with him, after only a few months of dating and end my last lease. I realized it was very soon to live together and after moving in with him, I planned on finding a more affordable living situation. But then weeks turned into months and things in the relationship were mostly going fine. I noticed some things here and there- like that he seemed to be extremely physically affectionate at times, to the point that the PDA was embarrassing, and I didn’t feel any physical chemistry or spark. But, I thought that those things would come along with time because he was such a good guy. As time passed though, I couldn’t help but feel that I was being suffocated. I felt guilted into staying in bed late every weekend morning to cuddle, even though what I really wanted to do was hop out of bed and go for a jog. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to see friends as often as I wanted. Finally, after a trip abroad in which we spent the majority of the time in the hotel because he wanted to relax but wouldn’t let me wander around by myself “for safety sake” I knew this just wasn’t the relationship I could be in for the rest of my life. I’m 35 and very independent. I just can’t feel like someone is controlling me, even if they are looking out “for my safety”. Also, I just don’t feel the physical chemistry. I’m not sure if it’s because he always does baby talk to me like I’m two or that he wants me to dress like a nun and is constantly buttoning my shirts to the top button. He’s good looking so it’s not his looks. But I just don’t feel turned on with him. I feel prudish and being intimate is very challenging for me. It’s been 18 months together and I don’t think these feelings will change.
I made an attempt last night to break up. I said we were incompatible and that I just didn’t have a libido or a desire to be sexual and that a relationship without sex is a disaster in the long run. His reply was that we can work on it and we’ll get through it. It took so much nerve for me to even say the words “incompatible” and “break up” that when he wouldn’t consider it, I didn’t have it in me to argue. I feel stuck. And I don’t feel it’s fair to either one of us, but I’m not sure how to end it, spare his feelings, and spare myself of a ton of guilt.
I never read follow up comments of people who come back and have successfully ended it. If you have, how did you do it? Dealing with the guilt is very, very hard. I don’t want to hurt him or be mean but he doesn’t seem to hear me.
Eloise,
Since this site seems to be populated with the younger relationship set, here is my two cents from someone that has been trying to leave for the last 25 years. Yes, that is married for 35 and not a typo.
I am 48 hours away from going to my apartment. This will be my 5th leave. This time I let go of the guilt. They can be the nicest most wonderful person but you are holding him back from finding someone who will love him. She has never listened to me when I approached the subject. Letters, phone calls and face to face. So, this time I gave up trying to discuss. what’s to discuss? Nothing really. You want to leave so find a place and go. Don’t waste his time and yours with the guilt of hurting him. We all get hurt and life isn’t fair. If more people were emotionally mature we would part civilly. But then it took me, probably, longer than you have been on this earth to become emotionally mature.
What does that mean? To me it means not feeling sorry for another. We are all responsible for our own feelings and emotions. Once we have mastered that fact we avoid or end quickly relationships that just don’t work. We then are happy with ourselves. When we realize that and we don’t have to be another’s source for happiness we attract emotionally mature people. Good Luck. You can do what is best for you.
Ross, thank you for your thoughtful response. I am battling night and day with the question of when to leave. I have considered packing it all up and leaving without telling him, but then I imagine how abandoned he will feel. I care about him deeply and I am now very clear in my intention to leave but hope to do it in a way that will cause him the least amount of pain. Is there such a way? I doubt it. I will hurt him regardless. He feels that I’m not trying hard enough to save the relationship, but how do I tell him that there is no trying? I don’t feel any physical attraction to him and my intuition tells me we are not right for each other. It doesn’t matter what he works on, nothing will change how I intuitively feel. I’ve told him this once and said we need to break up. I let him talk me into thinking things over. I need to be strong but it is so so hard. Also I haven’t found anywhere to live and my job is incredibly stressful right now. Moving out will be very challenging but I feel so smothered and so stressed trying to “work on things” with him. All I want is space and peace.
Did you move out? Your relationships ordeal sounds very challenging I agree emotional maturation is a long hard road for most of us. I hope you have been successful in your attempt to leave and in managing your guilt.
Guilty girl. I’m 28 and I’m with him since 17. The situation you describe is the SAME every little detail. I’m feeling a monster. Please tell me that you had the courage and you move in and you are happy. Tell me something I would love to leave my email here but I don’t want to make this public I would like to speak more with you. It’s literally the same situation…
I am like so many others, held back by potential guilt. I was married, but my wife died a few years ago. After some time I met someone new, she helped me realise I still had something to offer.
My problem is that I have a grown up daughter who was raised to be respectful and polite, my partner has 3 boys under 10 who have never been disciplined. I don’t mean they’re a bit unruly, I mean she refuses to say no to them. Her 5 year old doesn’t go to bed until half past eleven, the other two stay up until whenever they want. Between the 3 of them they eat 9 bags of sweets and 6 bars of chocolate every day. Whatever they want, they get.
They are greedy, selfish, rude, foul mouthed and spoilt. She expects me to treat them like kings, because she thinks they’re perfect, but I can’t do that. I expect children to have manners and show respect. I can’t be someone I’m not.
She has had a really hard life, childhood abuse, a husband who treated her like his servant, and she has been shunned by her parents. She had another guy, before me, who cheated on her with her friend and then dumped her in a text message. I know I was just meant to be a way to get over him, a short term fling to make him believe she’s moved on. The thing is I treated her like the lady she is. She told me I was supposed to help her get over her other man, but instead I made her forget him. I showed her real love, and we fell for each other. I have given her confidence and a belief that she’s worth more than that, because she is. She has given me confidence and hope. She’s a loving, generous, funny woman and I do love her, but I can’t face a future with her sons.
If I leave her she will just have another person who abandoned her. It will crush her and I can’t hurt her like that. She’s spent half her life on anti depressants because her life has been so hard, she’s now free from medication and I can’t bear the thought that I would be the reason she ends up going backwards.
I have told her I think the boys need discipline and order in their life, but she just tells me they’re perfect and I’m expecting too much from them.
I’m so unhappy, but I can’t just abandon her.
Sad Dad, we are in the same boat, man. I am still hurting from my breakup. She did some mean things like claiming I cheated on her when I was so totally loyal and dedicated to her it’s not even funny. But I forgive her anyway because I know deep down she was hurting and she is a really good person. I just could not deal with raising another child when mine are grown and out of the house. I felt like I had didn’t have my space in my own home. Anyway, let’s hope for both of our sake the hurt will subside. The funny thing is that she told her family that I cheated on her when at this time I am not even at a point of being comfortable hugging another woman. Isn’t life strange?
I am also having a hard time breaking up with my girlfriend, so I just told her we needed to take some time apart, and she starts looking for apartments immediately, on top of that I feel really guilty and bad cuz she will start texting me or posting stuff on fb, and I feel like a terrible person because I know im hurting her 🙁
I guess im in a place where things are “ok”, just “ok, not “OK!” or “Ok”, but a lowercase plain and simple “ok”, and I don’t know what to do, I mean she will do anything for me, shes a really sweet girl, she likes crafts and stuff like that,
I have been dating this guy for a few months now, and I feel a little stuck in my emotions right now. I really do love him, he means a lot to me. But I can’t stand how much he talks about his ex. I asked him if he still loved her and he said ¨yes, but I would never be with her again¨ right to my face. It hurt me so bad, and the fact that he still talks to this girl and texts her kills me inside. What do I do? I have met someone else who knows I’m in a relationship, but says that he will wait for me. I am so lost! I care for both of them, but I hate being compared to a guys ex. Someone please help?!
I am more than 50 year old so I have been through a lot in my life. I have learned that respect for each other is far more important than love. You can claim to love someone but if you don’t respect the person, the relationship will never be a satisfying one. In your situation, the fellow does not respect you otherwise he would have stopped. Perhaps you love him but if you are already eyeing someone else, I don’t think you are in love with him. When you are truly in love, you never look for another conquest. For me, when I am in love, Miss Universe could fall all over me but it wouldn’t mean a thing. I think this guy is trouble and you need to move on.
I have GF almost 1,5 year. When I met her it was great. Later on things went really fast. We were even planing shared apartment. But at some point I started to feel I can’t imagine to live together and need to go out to know other girls… but I can’t say it to her.. . When we were argueing she said something which i remembered and it can probably show my problem. That I don’t really know what I want. I love my girlfriend but i feel so much hesitantly. That she isn’t this girl Which I want. Honestly we really love and understand eachother but somehow we are also arguing a LOT and we don’t have common hobbies, interests. So i have all this thoughts. What if I had a girl which has some interest same as me, or that do something awsome that inspires me or makes me try this. Or a girl that could spend time with me on our common hobby. What if… I didn’t took first girl from the shore…. And instead, choose a girl which I really like to spend time with. But now I’m trapped. My current girlfriend has some depression issues and she were talking a lot about us and how we will have our home and her dreamed german shepherd. I feel like a total coward and a monster. Even if she asks me(and she does when I can’t hide something) I just can’t say that someting is not right. Once I tried to take a step to just slow down our relationship. But in argue she said that we are together or we breake up completly and never contact eachother. I’ve seen her reacting to some problems. She is VERY sensitive. I know that if I try to end our relationship she will take this very hard. I don’t want to hurt her. And I dont wan’t to lose her completly. I’m too fcked up to break up with her…………….
Dude, either the two of you get counseling from a professional, or you must move on. The other choice is to live with the situation. Do you see yourself ten, twenty years from now wishing you would have left?
There is no such thing as an easy break up. Been there done that. It hurts. Even though you know it’s the right thing to do, you miss her, you care about her, you wonder if she is okay. But the fact still remains that you are not meant for each other. If that is the case, do yourself and her a favor and move on. Trust me, you are better off with zero contact.
So, either get professional help or move on. You are a monster if you stay.
Wow, it’s some consolation that people are feeling similar to me and its happening right now.
I have been with my partner for 7 years. We met online and had a long distance relationship for the first year. I probably did not view the relationship as very serious in the beginning as I was seeing someone occasionally from overseas but neglected to share this information with either of them….my bad and something I am not very proud of.
When this came out I, I stopped all communication with the woman from overseas but I also felt an immense sense of guilt and I think my partner used this to her advantage and contributed to me making some decisions I probably should not have. Basically, I should have been strong enough to have taken some time for myself and not gone straight into this relationship, something I have always regretted.
After this happened and after the death of my elderly father some 3 months later, my partner moved across the country and moved in with me. I was not comfortable with this but because of grief and guilt I let it happen.
Since then it has been hard work for me but I have committed to the relationship and made the most of things. For the last 2 years we have been trying to have children. Again, this is something I was not 100% into but because she wanted it I have gone along with it. We are now into our 2nd round of IVF.
Long story short, I am not happy, I’m not sure I ever have been. We are great friends, get along well and I do love her but for me there has always been something missing and she does not accept me for who I really am, she wont compromise and has to have everything go her way. I am terrified we will have a child and I will still be unhappy but feel the need to stay because of the child.
I am stressed because I know what I have to do but can’t make the decision…or wont make it. I am going to read more on this through this site and hopefully get the courage to do something about it
I been with my girlfriend for 7years .She is very controlling and it gets on my last damn nerves..lately i have been feeling like its time for a change in my life witout her being apart of it..a new year is approaching and im still young (26)i have goals and things i wanna reach but i feel as if she is holding me bk from alot of things.. i want kids she dont i just think we are not on the same path i love her but i think it is time to let her go on with her life
Just move out. You’re a 60 year old man. Stand up for what you want!
What was I thinking? I just turned 60 years old although I’ve been told by many that I look 50. For the past nine months, I’ve been living with a wonderful gal who is 46 and has a 10 year old son. I feel that was a huge mistake. We used to have so much fun when we lived separately. I am pretty much diametrically opposite on raising children. I raised two boys of my own who are very successful in life. She is extremely lenient in my view and I am tired of being the bad guy.
I don’t necessarily want to break up but I don’t want to live with her. How do I make that happen?
I just read your next post. Wow….what a comparison. I have someone who I have known for 20 years. She is 47 and a co-professional. She is interested and has been my support on many occasions. We are attracted to each other. I realize I need to live alone for a very long time before I ever live with another.
Just this morning she made me feel pressured because I am still being the nice guy despite my plan to leave. The 47 year old gives me a sense that she feels I am not going to give her enough of my time. Red flag. I am not ending it yet but I am very cautious of not repeating past mistakes. Hang in there. Somehow telling another they have a right to care for themselves instead of bending is making me feel better about my decisions.
Good luck.
I feel awful right now and I need advice. I am with a guy for almost 7 years. I love him, he is a good person, very sweet and kind, but I don’t know if I’m IN love with him anymore. We do compliment each other in ways (hes introverted I’m an extrovert) and he dose get along with my family good. We started dating when I was 19 years old, and I was fresh outta high school. He is also 10 years older than me. I never has a problem with this ever, and I still dont have an issue with it. I love him as a person. He can act adorable sometimes and we both enjoy the little things. I want whats best for him. And trust me I want this to work between us. i really do.
Problem is I feel like we don’t connect as well on a lovers level. I know after a while the heat calms down and true love comes out, the kind where you wanna take time to mend and build relationship deeper than just sex and physical affection. However, We fight at least once a week. I feel there are things to be worked on in our relationship, like the lack of intimacy, affection. This has been a battle for years. And we’ve tried to fix things and make things better but they always fall back to being “dry”. I’m all about cuddling, hugging, and kissing, and deep intimacy. Hes not so affectionate and intimate. Woohooo time doesn’t even have foreplay anymore really (sorry if that was a bit personal to some) so its really hard for me to get into it. He just isn’t into that as much. I almost always have to make the first move (he does too but for the most part it is me.) and we hardly ever get to go to eachothers houses and actually be able to have private time. We did have a intimate moment last week, and sadly part of me just didnt want it from him even though part of me wanted it.
Everytime we tried to work things out I find myself getting more and more frustrated with him when the same conversation came up. My BF doesnt find anything wrong with the relationship at all and really has nothing to say about it, which gets me upset because I feel like there are things to be changed and talked about. I also feel like I’m forcing him to change for me, which i dont want. I want intimacy and affection to be natural, not forced. he claims I’m not forcing him, but I still feel I am.
Also I have anxiety and a bit of a temper. I feel like its getting worse with the more I feel disconnected to him. I get so angry because of things never changing and he gets so angry with me for being angry at him. We always say things we dont mean, hurtful things too. At this point hes 35 and just wants a steadyness to the relationship. he wants to move in together and wants a family with me. And at some points I want that too, but it frightens me. I don’t wanna be like this to him when we move in or have kids, and I especially wanna be 100% sure of my feelings for him before we do that. I feel like also he’d be better off without me and my anxiety and temper. Trust me i have been trying so damn hard to work on that for me and for him. He forgives me in the end and forgets, but how long will that be before he realizes this isn’t how relationships are suppose to be… he can’t keep wanting me to stay when I hurt him like that and he hurts me with his words. Its always a break up talk on my end until the fight gets so wound up that he finally says he doesn’t care (say it because the fight burns us both out). When I get into panic fits he just doesnt know what to do with me or say to me, and I feel so alone. He says he’s never give up on me.
I’m afraid though that if we break up for good, I will never see him again. He is not one to stick around after a relationship has ended. i can’t blame him in the least. I just dont know if I can handle loosing him for good. he’d pretty much be dead to me if we broke up…
2 years ago we went on a break (after a while we were planning on coming back together after we we worked things out on our own), and I met this wonderful friend. We instantly clicked. I felt we had so many connections on different levels. it wasnt forced and it was completely natural. i felt I knew him for years and years. I didn’t develop a crush on him until a few months later, when someone questioned if we were dating. the connection i felt wasn’t puppy dog love either. he understood me like my BF didn’t. Now understand I never cheated on my BF for him. I wanted to go out and give my friend a try but… in the end I was terrified… terrified to start something new and end something that was trying to be fixed and lasted so long…. so out of fear and pure emotion I went back to my BF and he came back to me. My friend also had a crush on me too. BUT My friend just wanted what was best for me though. He cared about our friendship more than a relationship with me. It meant a lot to me. He never forced me to make a choice or anything…. all he told me was that I need to ground myself and find out what will make me truly happy. Dont focus on the past and don’t fear the future. Just focus on the present and what I’m feeling. And unlike my BF, my friend understood my anger problems and my anxiety, because he had them too. he knew exactly what to say and do. He calmed my inner demons the way my BF couldnt (he did a few times but never like my friend did for me)
I feel like I sound so terrible now. I feel I have a good thing going for me. My BF never cheats on me, he’d never hit me, he’s always tried for me. He loves me with his whole heart, Its just that damn connect i feel we don’t have anymore. I’ve said this before to him, it feels like we are more of good friends than an actual couple. He loves me though. And it hurts me so much to think I may not love him the same way anymore. It scares me that we put so much effort into this and have plans and it may not even be the best thing for us… Sad thing is when we have good days I feel great and feel guilty for even thinking about leaving… but in bad days I just want it over… and that feeling lasts for days even after a fight is over….
I know love is deeper than just a physical attraction and sex… I feel we have built that kinda love because we worked so hard to mold it, worked so hard to understand one another and keep working at it… its just the DAMN STUPID CONNECTION I FEEL WE DON’T HAVE ANYMORE… It keeps tugging away at me…
I need some advice… something…. because I’m crying my eyes out typing this and I just need some logical advice… something to grab onto that makes any scene….
I have never been so touched by someone’s comment. Been in a relationship for 6 years since highschool and I couldn’t relate more… It feels comforting knowing that someone else is going through the same issues. I don’t know what to do. 🙁
@Kat
Stumbled upon this post just now while reading up articles on how to deal with guilt. What you wrote is very similar to what I went thru.
I am a woman who has been in a committed 11 year same sex relationship (we stay together and both families have met.. considering that I am asian and live in Asia, this is a very big thing). Prior to getting together, we knew each other for 9 years and were best friends out of school. Making this 20 years being part of each others’ lives. I am in my mid 30s… so this relationship literally took up more than half of my lifespan.
Like you (@Kat), physical affection had always been an issue in our relationship. Didnt help that 6 years ago, I took on a high pressure fast pace job requiring alot of travel..
that was an initial trigger that started a serious of personal and career changes for me… it made me realise certain aspects about myself and through meeting many ppl, interfacing and working with different cultures.
The distance between us grew… part of the reason was due to the fact that I was evolving in a different pace from her within the relationship. Nothing wrong with it. These are things that just happened.
A few months ago, i met someone at work. and like you, Kat, it started off innocently, we had great connection (she is straight so I thought nothing about it)…. but the emotional connection became really intense and by the time we realised it, we had already developed feelings for each other. She never asked for anything more from me and never expected anything more from me. All she wanted was for me to be happy and actually advised me to re-look at my primary relationship to find the original spark
about 1.5months ago, our relationship became physical. A week after it became physical, my partner tried to initiate sex with me but my heart was not there. That was when the reality of everything hit me… and I felt i wanted more.
I am now in the midst of a break up .. breaking up a long term relationship. I dont know how it will be a few weeks down the road. On good days, I feel like I made the right decision and feel free. On bad days, I ask myself if I made the right decision and have to deal with the guilt and shame of what has happened and for initiating the break up and for wanting more.
If this is the path that you want to take… be mentally prepared and everyday when I hit a rough patch, I always tell myself the following and I hope it helps you as well.
1) Have the courage to question your relationship…
2) Have the courage to aspire more for your happiness
3) Have the courage to make the decision about your relationship
4) Lastly, have the courage to stay with the decision and deal with the consequences (financially, emotionally from yourself and with how your friends and family deal with your decision)
I just had a Eureka moment about myself. I am having trouble with my relationship with a wonderful lady because of her ten year old son. I am sixty and raised my children successfully. I realized that since my divorce and including my ex, I am a rescue dog! I have subconsciously rejected women who did not need rescuing and have been attracted to women that needed some form of rescue, emotional, financial, or both. Because of this, I put my needs on the back burner but after a while, that becomes an issue and the relationship becomes sour. Wow! Better late than never!
Congrats Davey, that is a major discovery that will impact your future relationships positively. Good job!
Davey,
Thanks for the comment. I am in my sixties too. 35 years with the second wife. First wife for 9 years. For all these years I have been subjected to victim playing, controlling and manipulative behavior. It seems I attract the same type of women. I am a professional and in the same area for 44 years. Family, friends and a persona of a plow horse pulling and always accommodating. Forgot who or what I want out of life for years. I tried leaving 2 times and actually did have an apartment. Came back out of guilt when she became the super nice does everything wife. Once I am hooked back in my needs and opinions are: do as your told…don’t think. Yes that had been said to me and a lot more verbal insults.
Today is just a day of guilt creeping in since in 4 weeks I will be leaving. Tried to discuss a month ago with her even sitting in front of her with a nice letter. But was told that is not what I want to do. Veiled threats too of financial ruin. So, now I am covert. Feel good most times but it scares the hell out me some nights in my sleep.
I know the answer is within us and just felt supported by your note. Thanks.
Going through so much myself. Reading your personal experience made me feel I’m not alone in this. Thanks jo
I can empathise with this entirely. Very moving – hope you figured it out x