One of the most fatal characteristics of break-up recovery is what I call the “two steps forward – one step back” phenomenon.
Maybe you've experienced it already.
You wake up one morning and feel great. During the next few hours, you notice that you haven't thought about your Ex for a while, you feel energized and motivated to get out there and live your life.
You feel happy, you feel good.
“That's it,” you think.  “I am finally over him/her.”
Until you experience that one moment, which unfortunately shows that you're far from it!
Later that day, you see someone that looks exactly like your Ex, or a friend you had not seen for a long time asks you how you two are doing.  Or maybe you find something that belonged to her/him under the couch.
And boom – you're back to square one.
At least it feels that way.
The truth is that you've made two steps forward, and now just one step back. But what it means is that you've still made ONE step forward.
So you've actually made progress.
We have to understand that break-up recovery is not a straight line.
We don't go from complete break-down to extreme happiness in just a certain amount of days.
It is more like climbing a huge mountain.
While doing the arduous climb to the next stages, we may trip, fall and slide down to the previous base-camp. And the thought that we have to make this horrible climb again seems unbearable.
All these exertions for nothing?
But it wasn't for nothing.
Now that we know the biggest obstacles, we can hike past them, and find better and faster trails.
We didn't lose what we have learned along the way that we've already traveled.
5 Signs You Are Still Not Over Your Ex
After such a “fall,” you may ask yourself how you can know for sure that you are over your Ex once and for all.
There is one way to know – you know that you are definitely over your Ex when you can stand in front of them, talk to them, know they are in a new relationship and feel NOTHING.
That's the ultimate test.
MORE: How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step
But I don't recommend doing that unless you are absolutely sure. Otherwise, it could throw you way back.
What's easier to determine, are signs that you are NOT over them. These are recurring patterns that happen when we are still in the “depression” or “rebuilding” phase.
You haven't let go of your Ex if you experience one of the following:
1. The Urge To Contact Them Is Nearly Uncontrollable
You feel an almost physical need to contact them, like hearing from them is crucial for your well-being.
You have the urge to share your thoughts and worries with them as you did while you were still together.
That means that you still think that your Ex is your “confidential person,” the one you share your life with.
2. The Cyber-Stalking Is Killing You
We discussed the fatal consequences of cyber-stalking many times before, (link to Facebook tag), but the main sign that you haven't moved on yet is not the fact that you are curious about their life. It's that it devastates you when you find out certain details.
Remember, the ultimate goal is indifference.
You are checking Facebook, and there are your Ex's newest pictures of his/her “new life,” and it kills you?
Nope, you are still not over him/her.
3. You Have No Clue Why The Relationship Really Ended
To understand and fully grasp the real reasons why the relationship ended in the first place so that you can learn from this experience, is an essential part of moving on.
So by implication, if you have no clue, and you maybe blame yourself alone for “blowing it,” then you still have recovery work to do.
4. You Have The Secret Hope That Everything Will Be As It Was Before
The false belief that your Ex will eventually become the person he or she was before – given enough time, I-love-you assurances from you, persistence and maybe even stalking – is the MAIN reason you may feel stuck.
Letting go means accepting. And accepting means letting go of the hope of getting back together.
Once you do, you take responsibility for your life and your recovery.
5. You Are Caught In The “what-If” And “if-Only” Trap
You are still going through scenarios about what would've happened if you haven't done this or that.
You are blaming yourself for the mistakes you think you've made, and you are convinced that it was solely YOUR fault that the relationship ended.
If you'd only had told them how much you loved them more often, or fought less, or cooked them more dinners, or brought them flowers or whatever.
If you find yourself caught in this fatal trap regularly, then you are still not over your Ex.
Conclusion
Whether you ARE or you are NOT over them, you can only determine with the “ultimate test” as I've stated above.
But because this test can often do more harm than good, you can use the above signs to get a vague idea of how far you've come.
In any case, I advise you NOT to rush yourself, and don't force your recovery.
Because it takes as long as it takes.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
I’m going to try this but…I’ve been regretting, missing and crying over my ex husband for over 10 years. No amount of therapy or new relationship have ever really been able to overcome the guilt & regret I suffer for cheating on and divorcing my college sweetheart. The worst part is, even if he came back, I hurt him so badly that he’s not even anywhere near the same person. I am absolutely getting what I deserve for cheating…a lifetime of suffering. Maybe, one day we’ll be together in heaven, once God has fixed us both.
It’s been 3 years and I’m still not over my ex. We met 16 years ago…we were so young then (we are now in our 40s). We were together for 12 years – of the 12, we lived together for 2.5 years. I was his first love and for me, after 7 or so boyfriends, he is my one true love. We were best friends…or so I thought. 12 years into our relationship, he got curious with what’s out there. At some level perhaps, he was not satisfied or just needed to know.
The 5 signs that I’m not over him? Spot on.
Worst part is – we’re talking to each other again even if he is 3 years into his not-so new relationship. As we talk longer, the intensity of wanting to get back together becomes more evident….stronger. We still love each other. How can we not? We were bestfriends…are bestfriends. Right.
So now….we’re both stuck. No. I AM STUCK. We again talk about our dreams even baby names. A fool I am….and even more a fool he is. I feel like a mistress. He says soon he will break-up with her…and I wait.
I told myself – I will not enter 2016 like this. If he doesn’t break up with her, and come back to me with a ring on my finger….then it will have to end with him this year. For good. Enough is enough.
Till the next wave of …sadness, loss, need….immense love.
However, I know now there is a difference…I can still love him but from a distance and not necessarily with him in my life. To simply embrace it and all the feelings of loss and grief that go with it.
Crazy. I know.
Let’s see if I come back here in 2016 with good news……
So it’s been almost 2 yrs since I dumped my ex. I went a year without checking his FB page but last week I did and. Found out he bought a house and is expecting a baby next year. I wanted to see what she looked like. I finally did today. Well she is not that attractive but is probably in her mid 20s. He is 44. Anyway. I’m pretty sure I don’t want him because this news did not devastate me or make me sad or make me want him. I’m just upset that he got to settle down and move on just like that. I always imagined that I would move on first and I prayed I would. But I’m still single. I have no clue why. Well maybe because I don’t really socialize. I want to not check his page and “follow up” with his life but I think it will be hard because I am curious to see what his little boy will look like. I know. Why do I care what his kid looks like?!?! I mean I shouldn’t care. He was an @$$ and cheated on me and lied etc. I know I don’t want him back so why am I feeling so nosy? I actually feel sad for the little girl he married. He is cheating on her with the girl he cheated on me with. Anyway another story. I think if I had my own relationship I wouldn’t care about his. I’m in my early 40s been married once and divorced. I have 3 children already and at this point all I want is companionship. I texted my sister a picture of my exes new “gf”. She responded. This is not healthy. I agree. So now I think I need to check into breakup “rehab” to help me get away with these feelings of anger and resentment. Sigh…
Thanks for your response. I read the 5 signs and for the most part I am over him. I thought through why I feel this way. I think because he hurt me so deep and never even acknowledged that he did. I still have resentment and I have not forgiven him. It was a bad breakup. I honestly don’t care if he has 5 babies or whatever. I do not miss talking to him or being with him. As a matter of fact I ask myself why I wanted to be with him at the time. That being said. During my recovery process I never forgave him. I was and I am still annoyed at the way he treated me. He wasn’t a nice person to me nor any of his exes. For some reason I thought I would be the exception. I feel sorry for the young lady he is with because she has no idea who this man really is. I deleted my FB account and will not be on it until I get through this final step of my recovery I think this needed to happen so I can see there is still more work to be done.
we broke up in Jan. he went no contact for a while i knew he was playing and kept quiet after a while i initiated contact and he was angry. i literally begged ‘coz i know he is just angry that i agreed for the breakup and showed no signs of regret which he even mentioned during a fight so i was behind him. we never madeup and were only fighting. since then he has been using the mutual friends to get information about me and he makes them ask me questions and gets answers. i finally got tired and told him to stop playing and talk to me directly if he has any interest or just leave me alone. since then when any of his friends tell or ask me anything i give them back solid and they wont talk to me again. He is a taurian master of mind games. i know he wants me and i want him but his stupid silly games would never end. what can i do now? now i am not talking to any of our mutual friends and not even responding to his emails. i want to move on but i know he will come back how can i help myself in this situation. i am unable to handle this.