How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step

How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex - The Last Step

When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor E. Frankl

Many years ago, I was on the road to meet a friend who lived in a town quite far away. This happened approximately a year and a half after my life-changing breakup.

I was OK back then. I was essentially over my Ex.

I had accepted the fact that it was over and I knew we wouldn’t get back together again. I was already in another relationship, and yes she came to my mind now and then, but I was able to handle it.

Again, I was OK.

Or so I thought.

What happened on that long lonesome trip threw me off my path so completely that I would never have believed it was possible.

But on the other hand, it was a blessing because it was the last step I had to take to get over her completely and finally let go of her.

What happened?

It all started with a song.

Now I know what you think – not an “our song” kind of song. It was something completely different.

The radio played an unfamiliar song that touched me on such a deep level that I never thought was possible. The lyrics and the melody knocked me out completely.

This song brutally brought to my mind what I once had, and what I was missing so dearly for such a long time, even though I was already in another relationship.

It was there all the time, close to the surface, waiting to push through.

I pulled my car over and started to weep like a small child for over 30 minutes.

After I had composed myself again, I couldn’t believe what had happened. Wasn’t I over her? How come I lost it so easy?

Please read on.

The Last Resistance

While you move through all the phases of break-up recovery, with every step, you bring yourself closer to the ultimate goal or “the big indifference” as I call it.

“The big indifference” is something you need to say you are truly “over your Ex.”

Because one fact that remains, is that you’re NOT over your Ex and you haven’t let go until you can do this ONE thing:

Stand in front of them, talk to them and feel NOTHING.

Just a distant memory of a once held emotion. (I know that this seems impossible for you today, but ultimately this will happen).

But before you reach that goal, there is one big bump on the road – the one I was facing at that time, triggered by a simple love song.

What happened that day was that in spite of being over her, I just hadn’t “let go of her” yet.

Where is the difference?

  • I went through all the phases.
  • I followed the No-Contact Rule.
  • I suffered through the “emotional roller-coaster.”
  • I consciously accepted the fact that we were not together and would never be again.
  • I re-discovered myself and learned to live alone.
  • I found a life-goal, loved myself and found a wonderful girl.

And after all that, I still broke down hearing a silly, cheesy song?

A Powerful Belief

My problem was that in my head there was this mathematical equation I had set up so long ago. It was simple but effective and still held power over me.

It looked like this:

[happiness] = [Ex’s Name]

and

no [Ex’s Name] = no [happiness]

A simple belief that was so powerful, that it made me break down after 1 1/2 years of breakup recovery.

It was there from the beginning without me even realizing it. Lurking, waiting to come out in the open.

Never underestimate the power of a single belief.

Now that I knew what went wrong, what held me back all this time, I could approach that problem directly.

I did that in two ways.

How To Finally Let Go Of Your Ex

I knew how powerful affirmations are. I used them heavily in the “Acceptance” phase, so I was confident that they would help me also with this problem.

Affirmations are the best way to change false beliefs, (break-up recovery essentially boils down to one thing – changing a set of dominant beliefs).

So I came up with this one:

“I let go of [Ex’s Name] with love and clear myself of chains to the past to make way for new love to enter my life.”

Applied as usual: 3 times a day, 25 times in front of a mirror and one time in writing.

Let me tell you – it worked WONDERS.

After only 14 days, I felt a huge relief – as if a heavy weight I didn’t even know existed – was being lifted from my shoulders.

The invisible blockade that was lingering in my newly formed relationship was removed so it started to thrive, and an overall well-being flooded my soul.

That was it.

Mission accomplished?

Not yet. One last thing to do.

Remember? The “big indifference.”

Well, that turned out very unexpectedly.

Three weeks after that road-trip-incident, I received a strange letter. It was an invitation to a wedding.

You guessed right.

The Final Pedestal-Test

My Ex was about to get married, and she invited ME to it.

I don’t have to tell you how I felt at that moment. I mean, even after 1 1/2 years it still was a huge shock. I knew that she had a new boyfriend, but she was getting married?

As much as I was shocked about this, I knew that this was THE opportunity to test whether I had reached the “top” of my break-up recovery journey.

So I decided to go.

But I can tell you, to say I was anxious about it is an understatement. I was terrified. But I realized how important this could be for me.

The day of the wedding celebration approached and in my mind, I was there a thousand times already. I knew what I planned to do.

I would react as if nothing ever happened, putting on a big smile, but I still had that lingering fear of suffering a meltdown like what had occurred on that road.

Luckily it turned out differently.

Fast forward to the wedding celebration, entering the ballroom, seeing her for the first time after 12 months …

And I felt NOTHING.

Absolutely NOTHING.

Like I was looking at a complete stranger.

She seemed to be more afraid of it than I was because she completely avoided eye-contact at all costs.

At that time, I was in great shape, in fact, the best shape of my life. I was confident, cocky, well dressed.

In short – I was a catch.

At first, I thought, “[her name] look what you are missing out on and look what a jerk you have standing next to you,” and I really smiled thinking this.

But then it shifted.

Suddenly I started to care less and less about what she was thinking of me. I was just in the now, enjoying the moment.

It was as if I suddenly got a good portion of power back that I was missing for so long. Slowly I started to feel free again.

Really free.

So I went up to them, and everybody was staring at me wondering what I would do, (most of the guests knew my former relationship to the bride).

I stood in front of them in that super cool black suit I wore, and I heartily congratulated them both on their wedding.

I wished them all the best for their forthcoming life together and went back to my table. Full of confidence, pride, and power.

I never felt better in my life than I did that day.

I had people coming up to me congratulating me for what I did and for the way I did it.

It was a complete victory.

It was the day I finally let go of my Ex and started a new life.

How To Take The Last Step of Getting Over Your Ex

Now, I don’t recommend doing what I did back then as a test whether you are over your Ex or not.

The implications could be disastrous.

At the beginning of your break-up recovery journey, it is advisable to decline invitations like the one I got respectfully.

Whether it’s time or not to face your Ex solely depends on your progress in your recovery. Do it at the beginning, and you will crash and burn. Instead, do it when you:

  • have accepted the fact that you’re no longer together
  • do not want them back
  • have gone through the emotional roller-coaster
  • basically feel alright

and you will profit from it.

For me, it was 1 1/2 years after the break-up, which was actually rather late. It took me a while to figure out how you can speed up the recovery process substantially.

For me, it was exactly the right time for what I needed to do. If I hadn’t, my recovery most certainly would have gone on much longer.

So what is letting go?

Letting go is a conscious process of discarding the belief that only your Ex holds the key to your happiness.Click To Tweet

It is the final step you need to take before you can say that you are over your Ex, and you are ready to start a new relationship.

But what if your Ex is not available for confrontation?

Then we must take hold of different measures.

The Desensitization Method

There is a technique where you consciously expose yourself to your memories with your Ex in order to “desensitize”.

You do this for one hour by going through your pictures, videos, and stored memories.

The most important thing here is to dig deep really and to allow yourself to get into it completely.

Get emotional, cry if you have to. Continue despite the pain you feel, and do this until you feel numb.

It’s basically the same as confronting your Ex, only “virtually.”

After you’ve done this you will feel exhausted and completely numb and indifferent.

Good. This means it worked.

But again, only do this if you fit the preconditions I’ve listed above! Otherwise, it will throw you miles back. Trust me.

Conclusion

If your break-up was longer than one year ago and you have gone through the main phases of break-up recovery – and you generally feel OK, but still feel there is something holding you back … then I recommend taking this “last step.”

I get many emails from readers asking the same thing. They cannot believe that after that much time, they still suffer:

I do wonder though, why after a full year, I’m still thinking about him as much as I do. I worry that I cannot move on fully.

The reason for this is, in most cases, an unrealistic over-idealization of the Ex.

Consciously letting go means saying goodbye to that limiting belief that only your Ex means happiness and no one else.

I did that back then and it almost instantly improved my life, my relationship, and my view of life.

I am sure you can too.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Thanks Eddie for your amazing words. I am almost divorced finally. My ex had an affair and is still with her. They also just had a baby. We share a 16 year old daughter. Betrayal is so hard to heal from. I know its over and now its really time to let go. Im going to take your suggestions and try them.

    • My wife had an affair a year ago now. She is now engaged to the man and seems very happy. I still struggle with the betrayal. We have two young children aged two and six and it really tore me apart. Its a year this weekend since it happened and although I am much better, I wonder if I will ever truly get over her.

  • I let go of failure and distractions and clear myself of fear and laziness to make way for discipline, learning, motivation and success to enter my life.

    Thanks for this post.

  • Oh…my…god!

    I have been searching the websites, YouTube, books, and everything for a good while looking for tactics to use to help get over my ex. While I found some very useful things, this article blew me away. Why?

    I broke up with my ex on Boxing Day…1 1/2 years ago! I made massive mistakes by still keeping in contact with her. She has young daughters that I almost took on as my own.

    Our relationship was good, occasionally, but was often filled with bitter arguments, massive differences of opinion, extended family views influencing our relationship, etc. There were many good things but many, many negative aspects. I treated her very poorly. She treated me very poorly – when it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was bad!

    Since the split, we talked, then less and less, and eventually barely talked. Yet, 2 weeks ago, something triggered me and I broke! I broke!

    The funny thing is, I have a smart, educated, fit, very pretty new girlfriend. Yet, I haven’t been able to stop thinking of my ex all of sudden and I have cried almost daily for the past 2 weeks.

    Again, searched high and low for answers, but this article resonates with me so well. After so long, with a new great girlfriend, the pain just came and flooded in. Has utterly f##ked me up!

    Thank you for writing this. I feel I am on the verge of my repair now!

  • Hi, Arriana. How have you been? I believe this month will make a year since the last day I physically saw you and gave you the last kiss and told you that I knew you were going to be gone for good after that day. I knew we were never going to see each other again because you were leaving. In fact, I think today is actually the day that marks a year. You told me you didn’t want to leave but that you had to and for me to think positive and that we would in fact cross paths again one day. Before I left, you ran back out to give me a hug and even though I gave you a hug I really didn’t want to because i wasn’t going to want to let go. You even called me a few minutes later and I was already heading to the liquor store to buy me a drink so I could drink you away. It wasn’t that easy though. It made it worse. I was hurting for you. I miss you so much and love you as much as I did a year ago. The love I have for you hasn’t gone down. I wish you knew that I think of you every day. There’s times I feel ok and I have accepted the fact that you are gone and moved on but it doesn’t stop the love I have for you. I was truly in love with you. I often checked my phone hoping to see a message from you and it never happened til about 4 months later and you asked how I was doing. I was so happy to see your name and you expressed how you don’t know how you’ve gone that long without me. You even told me you still loved me but that was it. I often wanna contact you but I put it off and tell myself I’ll do it in a month and when a month comes I tell myself the same thing. It tends to help me. I miss your beautiful eyes , your company, your hair that you would never let me play with lol. I miss your laughter and your smell. I can picture you and its just reminds me how I love you so much. I wonder now if the feelings will ever die down.

  • Despite we reconnected after 2 years apart, my ex of 4 years apparently feels a lot of anxiety and pressure whenever I suggest meeting up and consistently turns me down. We had an amicable break up. There were no cheating, or hard feelings when things ended, we still loved each other at the time but it was just bad timing. But according to his friends, he has not tried to meet anyone new yet everytime anyone asks about me, he gets angry and refuses to talk. I don’t understand why he’s open to us texting daily for 6 whole months but still refuses to meet. I don’t get it.

  • Hi,

    I read your story, how can you let go if instead you feel hate and anger, how about if you were abused in all ways possible, gets you pregnat, takes your baby and weeks later moves in with another person. Many years later, this kid is grown up and wants contact with you but you just cant accept it because this kid was raised by this monster. He is married and had another kid I am single, looking for the special person in my life, question is after experience like this close ones think I have not let go. Truth is I dont care about him or the kid, who is now 19, but they have been trying to establish connection. Because of all the abuse i refuse to see the 19 old one.

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