The inevitable question that always arises in your mind sooner or later when you suffer a break-up is, “Am I the only one? And is my pain more intense than it has been for others?”
To not keep you in suspense, the answer of course is no, you are not alone.
You will find them all around you – in forums all over the Internet, at your workplace, even among your friends and neighbors. Some are grieving quietly without letting you notice anything at all.
Men especially don't allow themselves to grieve openly, because they think that it's a sign of weakness. They may even take drugs or alcohol to not have to deal with it. And on the other hand, there are those who are crying it all out.
Everybody has their own unique way to deal with it.
But what I asked myself over and over again back during my breakup was this – why are some people obviously dealing better with their breakup than others?
Why were some getting over it and starting a new life within a month, while others grieve and suffer for several years, and may never even be the same again? What is their secret?
The answer is simple. They were prepared.
It's as simple as that.
They haven't read a secret ancient stone panel, or drank a druid elixir and instantly forgot about their exes. They just developed special attributes due to certain circumstances, that helped them to cope with it faster than others.
What are these circumstances?
1. The character of the relationship to your ex-partner
I'm not talking about the emotional deepness of the relationship here. I mean the importance you've imparted to your ex-partner in your life.
Have you spent all your free time together? Was your ex also an “attachment figure” for you? Did you think that your ex was essential for your happiness?
Having lived a self-contained life, without shutting the partner out, is one of the major conditions to quickly finding your way after a separation.
2. The expectations you had in your relationship
Have you already planned your love life in advance?
Have you envisioned the small house with the white picket fences, and the children playing in front of it?
Well that's ok. It's a fine vision. But pay attention to the fact that this should be your goal, not your expectation. Know the difference – the expectation is passive, the goal is active. Alway be active!
And beware…there is nothing certain in a relationship. If you realize that while you're still together, you take away a lot of potential tension. If nothing else, you save yourself from being disappointed in case your dreams shatter.
Have goals together, but no expectations!
3. The personality of the one left behind
Have you ever lived alone, taking responsibility for your life?
Have you ever thought of a break-up and how you would get through it?
Have you only felt valuable and lovable with your partner around?
Do you have high self-esteem and self-confidence?
Do you think you could easily find another partner?
If your answer to all these questions is no, then you will most likely experience deep emotional grief should it ever come to a divorce or break-up.
The solution to all this is, of course, being prepared. Give yourself completely into the relationship, experience it with all your heart, but save yourself a piece of you.
Stay true to yourself, give yourself time and devotion, love yourself, set personal goals, think ahead.
Don't burden your marriage or relationship with unrealistic expectations. Know where you're heading and have faith.
Don't get me wrong here. I do not intend to paint a pessimistic picture of relationships. I do believe in long-term relationships. But I also believe that in order to maintain them, to keep them happy and fulfilling, you have to have the proper mindset and take the right actions.
For only then you can benefit from the advantages a relationship is giving you. Furthermore, you will be able to stand on your feet should something go wrong and a separation occurs.
Not to mention, the boost of attraction your personality will suddenly profit from by being an independent, fully confident person.
All the best and yours truly,