Relationship Advice How To Resist the Urge To Cheat On Your Partner

How To Resist the Urge To Cheat On Your Partner

Photo by NoirFeu

I recently stumbled upon an article which offers some tips for those who lack the needed self-control to resist the urge to cheat on their partners.

This got me thinking.

I immediately had a picture in my mind of men in high positions, suddenly seeing their secretaries in “a certain way.”

Or someone going to a Christmas party at work, and realizing after a few drinks that their co-worker suddenly and unexpectedly looks stunningly sexy.

Or – to complete the cliches – a wife in a sexless marriage finds herself drawn to a close friend who always had an open ear for her.

Are these all cliches? Maybe not so much.

I've asked myself – what drives someone to commit adultery?

I found some interesting opinions about that in the comment section of the article I referred to.

For instance, someone mentioned that his sexual interest in other women was much higher if he didn't have sex with his wife for a longer time-frame. So, what he says is that the mere existence of the urge to cheat comes from sexual frustration.

This came up a few times, but interestingly only with men.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

Someone else mentioned that the temptation to cheat is related to a certain self-validation: “if someone wants to sleep with me, then I must be lovable.”

There seem to be many reasons why people cheat, but whatever it is that leads to adultery, the first step is always being open to the possibility that you could be with someone other than your partner.

That is why the first measure to counteract the urge must always be to recognize that the urge is there, and to make it clear to yourself as to the WHY it is there in the first place.

The next important step after that is to always re-connect with your partner having this WHY in mind.

I also think that you should, as a ground-rule – and this advice is mainly directed towards men – immediately cut off any thoughts and fantasies towards a potential cheating partner.

Because the longer you think about it, the clearer it is in your mind, and the higher the possibility that it will become a reality.

The author of that mentioned article has given five suggestions on how to fight the urge once it's there. The one that makes the most sense to me is, “Avoidance” – don't trust yourself, and elude situations and constellations that can be a danger.

If you can maintain a strong bond and healthy sex-life with your partner, even when “life” happens and everything turns into a routine, then you will minimize the chances that cheating will ever happen.

Because the real secret of a healthy long term relationship is to NOT fall into a routine.

You can find the article by Professor Mark D. White here.

I want to know, what do you think are the reasons for infidelity, and have you ever been tempted? Tell me in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • We cheat because we can’t trust ourselves. They’re the yin and the yang of each other – Trust & Temptation. Temptation is always inviting – inviting you out to eat, inviting you to join his or her table, inviting you to join him or her for a glass of wine, inviting you to meet afterwork this Friday, inviting you to stay the night. If you don’t have the confidence to trust yourself, then one thing leads to another, one drink leads to another, and… you find yourself unable to trust yourself to stop the inevitable from happening. A CONFIDEnt person never cheats because he or she can CONFIDE the words, “No, we don’t need to be doing this” to him or herself whenever temptation offers an invitation. There are 10,000 excuses for why someone would cheat; but, what’s the value of an excuse? A person with good self-esteem doesn’t tolerate cheating because they know that they are worth better. Decide for yourself right this instant: would I ever allow myself to cheat? would I ever allow myself to be cheated on? If you trust yourself and you have good self-esteem {the two usually go hand-in-hand}, then the answer to both questions is No.

  • If you that you’re having a difficult time staying committed to only one person in a monogamous relationship, it’s best to remain single. There’s no need to tolerate selfish behavior from someone who refuses to think twice about the consequences of their actions.

  • Hello:

    I am a bi male. I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman (yes she is aware of my bisexuality).

    However, about a year or so ago, I found out that she was having an affair with a male co-worker. I have forgiven her for what she did and we are going about trying to repair the emotional damage.

    Lately, I have been having the urge to cheat on her. Sometimes with women, sometimes with men. Is this a natural thing for those who have been cheated upon, to feel like doing this?

  • Im currently looking into finding someone just to feel wanted and desired, my partner never makes time for me and I’m even guessing that he has no love for me anymore. I have asked him to please leave, he claims that he does love me but his actions say differ. I know cheating isn’t good but I’ve been in this relationship if you can call it one, for 5 years and since I had my son it’s been hell and backwards. I feel lonely and dead, I figure if I can just find someone just to feel alive again even if it’s for a little while I can at least say that Ibe tried to do something nice for myself. And maybe prove that I’m still wanted and desired.

    • Sunny Day says:

      I am in the same boat, and I understand. Its hard especially with a kid. And cheating isn’t the answer. I know. I know.

      I have a man half my age who’s mere presence makes me feel like I haven’t felt in years. Thank goodness I’m never “allowed” to be alone with him. I’d rock his 19 yr old world, and he knows it. Because its all I really think about, so I don’t recommend cheating.

  • My husband and I have been together for 12 years 3 of those being married. I cheated on him at the very beginning of our relationship. I comitted myself after that and we married in 2012 I have been faithful to him. About 7 months ago he decided he has been unhappy and moved out to be with other women, he felt like he could never get passed that I cheated. We decided to work on us 2 months ago and give it our last try to see if there’s anything left between b us because we both feel the like we are just best friends since we’ve hurt one another so badly and it’s been very tough on us to keep us happy and that in love feeling latley. He just told me that he loves me and wants our family to work and that he is satisfied in bed but he has urges here and there to please other women in bed…. I have no idea if we should move on from each other or try to work on us still? Any suggestions

  • It’s a no brainer. If you truly respect your partner…and yourself…then keep out of temptations way. I can’t beleive this ”i didn’t mean it/i didn’t expect it” mentality of the cheater. what a load of BS!

  • Reading this to help and distract me after 45 days nc. .thanks

    • Ashley S. says:

      Sounds like she’s spiraling out of control. I’ve never had cancer, but I have heard it can leave people feeling like they have no control over their lives.. now that she is no longer sick, she is acting out and engaging in risky behavior which is probably making her feel alive again. She’s not playing by the rules anymore and that is probably thrilling for her. Seems like at this point in her life she is not in the mind frame to want a steady relationship, and you should let that bird fly free.

  • Kind of a long story, but pretty interesting. I had met my girlfriend a little over two years ago, we used to work together. Things started kind of slow, more as friendship. Things progressed, she got out of her dysfunctional relationship, I was single, so it got more sexual and we spent more time together. in the summer of 2012, she really started to not feel well..bad headaches, muscle pain, and serious sinus pain. I brought her to the ER and Doctors quite a few times, but pretty much sent her home with pain and decongestants. It got to the point she would stay in bed most of the day while i was working, she was staying with me. Finally she had an ENT appointment and she was feeling really lousy and had a lump on her neck. The original Doctor was not there, we actually didn’t care for him and this angel of a nurse got us into see another ENT. He basically did a minor biopsy in her nasal cavity and pretty much on gut feeling and the way she looked, he pulled some strings to get her admitted in one of the best Hospitals in the area. So it ended up being stage 3 Nasalphyrngeal cancer in her nose and neck. I was shocked and its pretty rare someone that young, 25 could have that. So basically I did everything in my power to help her, drove to the radiation and chemo, got her to eat, you name it I nursed her through the real tough times. And pretty much lost my job in the process, but I felt saving a life was more important. So she was diagnosed in September of 2012, and as of 3 months she made a great recovery! Tests were clean, she gained all the weight back, looks better than ever…….but then she goes and cheats on me. Lol.. she would stay at my place most of the time, and her Moms the rest. Plus she has 2yrld to look out for. She did a kind of sketchy disappearing act on and off for a few days. And I just knew it, I get this gut feeling when the women I’m with is up to something. I was right, she partied, smoked weed..which is bad in her case and slept with a long time “guy friend”. But at least she told me, after everything we had been through I took her back, saying one more time and its a wrap. So last night I drop her off at a female friends house, whom I have met. Talk to her around 1030 last night and everything seemed okay. Today Im calling and calling, she doesn’t pick up. I finally call the girl she was there with, and she is like “she left with some guy around 11 because she wanted to get some weed. Talk to my gf ( I guess) today and same story different guy. Seriously..WTF.. any advice?

  • As cliche as this may sound, the 80/20 rule is one of the main reasons for cheating.
    All relationships are hard work. You’ve got to make an effort and accept each other completely.

    When you’re in a relationship that person is your confidanté and you can be most vulnerable about everything with them, the violation of that trust and total disregar for that person is what hurts the most!

    Its almost a sense of i wasn’t enough and they couldn’t wait to get into someone elses bed for a few moments of gratification.

  • I do not have any experience cheating with the person I love but I guess one reason why a person cheat to his/her partner is about contentment in all aspect of life (emotional, physical, social, psychological and etc). We all set standards when it comes to finding someone but not all of our standards can be seen in one person since nobody is perfect and it is a balance of one being wherein you can see the negative and positive point of that person. Love is a matter of acceptance of the totality of the person you choose to love. But some may not understand what really love is. Temptations are always at our back. Another thing that can lead to cheating is pride during misunderstanding whom nobody do a first move to reconcile with each other. Third, is loneliness and heartaches that are not resolve immediately and you cannot find comfort from your partner but from other people. Lastly, no time with each other due to busy work schedules and any other matters to attend to.

  • Lynette S. says:

    I believe that what we think about long enough we will create in our lives. So, if you dwell on sex with someone other than your partner, then, in time, it will happen. So, I agree that awareness of what you’re thinking is vital. If you find yourself frequently of sex with someone else, then stop and ask yourself if it’s worth ruining your current relationship. If the answer is yes, then end the relationship. If the answer is no, then change what you’re thinking about. My advice is always “don’t do to someone else what you wouldn’t want them to do to you” and I don’t think anyone would want their significant other to cheat on them.

  • I too cheated on my boyfriend sadly and I regret it.At that time we’ve been together for 5 years, but we didn’t have any intimacy for around 1 year … then a close friend came … was really nice to me and it just happened … sadly it wasn’t only once … but went on for half a year, without my boyfriend even knowing about it. He was hinting at it.. eventually we broke up cos he couldn’t take my distance anymore. And I really regret it but he found out from a friend, that I had sex with that other guy and now he doesn’t want any contact at all with me anymore. He even has a new girlfriend now and says he is more happy than ever before.
    Is there anything I can do? Or is it really too late for regrets now?

    • leave it R… there’s no point resurrecting a dead relationship. move on to new one. make it better than the old one. give it your 100%. 🙂

    • you cheated and devastated that guy. Couldn’t you just leave? Did you even think of his feelings before you did it?

  • I’ve cheated on my boyfriend before, which I completely regret. The number one reason, actually maybe the only reason, was that he began to put me down about life and became very needy, basically just sucked the happiness out of me. I never planned for it, but with time I started to seek something happier/more fun (for lack of a better word) without even realizing it. I was automatically drawn, and unfortunately, I gave in.
    At the same time, the reason I didn’t break up with my boyfriend was that I was afraid of his reaction to it for a very long time and occasionally when he lightened up it made things worth it.

    I 100% believe that if you cheat once, you can do it again. It gets more difficult to stop since you’ve done it before.

    • Thank you very much S. for sharing this with us.

      I am not sure about your last statement though, it depends on the situation. I do believe that it’s a question of principle and character whether one goes the “easy way” (which I unfortunately did many times in my life) or the hard way: see what can be fixed and fix it… OR draw the ultimate conclusion to break up.

    • Couldn’t you break up before you did it. Isn’t it unfair to hold on to the relationship while you are out behaving as if you’re single?

  • >