Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful breakup, I noticed a substantial shift in different areas of my life. I'd become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved-I was simply able to enjoy life more.
That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn't sure if the techniques I used would help another breakup or divorce victims as well. Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?
That's when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a breakup.
I had a concrete idea of how a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their breakups or divorces.
The Interviews
I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally, with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.
Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort … with natural lightness. I then primarily targeted those, for I was sure that they had some unique traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.
My coaching program was born.
Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of breakups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.
Here are the 7 most important traits for overcoming a break up fast:
1. Independency
Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?
Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don't need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It's important to realize this.
Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence … especially important for housewives, who don't work outside the home for their living.
2. Having a Life-Goal
Most of the successful breakup survivors have a life goal, which is independent of their relationship. This could be a business, a work-related career or a success in sports.
Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.
It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that's vital in your life.
3. Mental Control
One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from breakups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.
Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we can break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.
Persons who practiced meditation and other mental-control techniques before the break up are in a better position to handle this.
4. High Self-Esteem
Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then separation would, of course, be a drastic experience for you.
It is critical to develop natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a breakup or divorce.
To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.
5. Having an Extroverted Personality
You can divide humanity into two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.
I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break-ups much easier.
They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a breakup.
Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is tough to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.
6. Being the Action-Type
How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action solution type, or do you tend to hide away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where humanity divides into two types.
Of course, we all know that it's better to be a problem solver. Unfortunately, this doesn't make it easier. This is a socially induced problem, so it's possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.
The action-type personality suffers much less from breakups. Taking action drives away fears.
7. Experience in the Dating-Game
“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a relationship breakup.
If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game,” then you have a crucial advantage: You don't have to pose this question to yourself … you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs when you are ready. You'd know how it's done.
This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.
Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.
What is the magic formula for overcoming a breakup, you might ask?
It's understanding where your personal problems are and reacting to them. It is developing the traits for surviving faster and easier.
That's what I do in my personal coaching.
You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.
You alone have the key to your well-being. Use it.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
i had a relationship with a guy for 7 months. after 4 monthes we started to fight for everything and last week he said he cant handle these all fights and left me. i feel terrible and i think a;; of it was my fault.
by reading these articles im feeling so much better.
thank you Eddie.
by the way im from Iran
hi. i broke up with my ex cuz he think i am immature. i cut my vein for him but it didnt matter to him. he says he cant take my drama anymore. i used to start crying on ever little thing. i started cutting my self. i knw alll dat was ahyt. i wnt him bck. he says no matter what happens he wpnt come bck. i promise to change my self. he is my world. plz tell me what to do? how can i get him bck
Hi, Manal.
The very first thing I'd like to tell you that there is no such a man in the whole world that it's worth of cutting yourself over him. The second, you won't accomplish what you want by doing so. It's quite opposite. It'll make him run from you. Sweetie, let him go even if it's so hard for you. If it's yours, it'll come back to you. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Learn loving yourself and respecting yourself.
i had relation ship 4 almost 7years 9months… the last maybe around 7-8 months … she starts picking fights in everything i do. eventually get what she wanted… now it already 2n half years passed… i had worst times of my life.. everything falls apart. i can wake up… get to sleep… get things done… i became alcoholic… and thats for almost 2 years and finally i manage to get things on track… and can focus again but i manage to do that after i decide that i’ll always love her .. whatever it is… i dunno weather what i doin ius rite or wrong but 1 thing i know is even though it’s 1 way but some part of my self remain strong and i can life… 2 day it’s impossible 4 me even to think of being with another person… thats all … nothing much i can add.
I’m going through Day 4 of a break up. We were together for over a year, pretty much lived together. We met eachothers parents, had many mutual friends..everything. I met him while I was ending a 4 year relationship with my ex, so I never really had the chance to “be alone”. Now that I am “alone”, I feel awful. I’m feeling like I need to find another man, QUICK. I’m scared, lost, confused, desperate to contact him every day telling him “I miss him”. Let me say first of all, that I’ve never in my adult life been alone (I am 23).
We broke things off because the relationship was just sour. Mostly due to my personal mistakes and bad habits. I was very negative, mean, moody, irritable, etc. Due to my old (abusive and dramatic) relationship, I somewhat got addicted to the drama, and everytime things were fine in my new one, I started a fight for no reason, I was mean, etc.
Anyway, reading many of these articles is helping me cope. It’s hard for me to look foward, because all I want is him. But I know I need to learn to be alone, and love myself.
Let’s hope I can do that.
Hi Paulina,
I'm just finishing day 1 of the break up. Like you, I haven't been alone for a very long time, and dated him for 2 years. I feel scared and desperate and have a constant pain and ache and like I need another man to love and feel needed. I totally know how you feel, and the articles are starting to make sense. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and I miss him too.
Hi Pauline,
Day 6 or 7, feeling the same way as you. You’re not alone but we will all get through this
Hello. Please help me. Im 18 years old and i don’t know what to do. I don’t feel happy now, I have depression and I think my partner is the only solution to my problem. I don’t have self confidence anymore because of what happened, I tried to convince him to come back to me and he rejected me for three times. He was also the friend of my bestfriend. But the problem is, my bestfriend and him are close leaving me behind. I love this guy, and i just don’t treat him as a boyfriend, but as a brother as well, i accepted all his flaws and imperfections and i think im going crazy because i can’t believe that He’s gone. After all the good things he had shown me, It’s hard for me to trust again. I don’t want another guy anymore. Even though there are many guys out there, it’s him that I always wanted. it’s like an addiction. We have not sex yet but I don’t know why Im so attached to this person. I love him more than myself and my parents. sounds crazy but true, Im thinking that maybe, he hypnotizes me or something. I really don’t know. I think I’ll be single forever. please help me. I want to be happy. I think Im dead already like i dont have emotions anymore to trust and love. What can I do to forget this person, have a life, and enjoy my life.
Thank you!
@Jeff – I am 18 and me and my ex broke up about a month ago. We had a more serious relationship then most people our age, which initially was a mistake(but now that it’s over I’m glad it happened). We met when we were 15 and instantly fell into a serious relationship( which was based on need, since we were both insecure, unhappy people who found happiness and purpose within each other) after 7 months i had to move, so we decided that we would do long distance. after two years of long distance i moved back to the city and we moved in together, after I graduated. I’m beginning to realize that what got us through long distance wasn’t our love, or our strong bond, but it was our fear of losing happiness and purpose. As for me, even when we met, i didn’t develop feelings for her until i heard she liked me and heard the things she said about me. Anyway what i am trying to get at, is i’m learning that i need more purpose in my life than just a girl, and that only I ccan make myself happy. So now im really confused about relationships. I feel almost as if wanting to be in a relationship is wrong. My only experience with love was based off need. so, now i don;t know why i would want to be in a relationship if i can make myself feel happy. I’m really confused. Even after putting a 3 year relationship under my belt, i still have no idea what love is.
Hi Marcie,
I know this is THE nightmare scenario for everyone who is maintaining no-contact, to accidentally bump into your Ex. What should you do, what should you say?
You did the best thing you can do in this situation. If you are NOT ready to face the Ex, then don’t do it. Ignore them. So you did good.
Resist the urge to over-analyze the situation and just keep going. It really isn’t important why she was there and why she didn’t try to talk to you. The only thing that is important is that you keep hanging in there.
“Continual mental reasoning” is a very normal reaction in the first months which you can only oppose with meditation and distraction. I know it’s very tough, but it will be easier.
This whole process is basically two steps forward and one step back. Just keep moving forward.
Eddie
P.S.: Don’t you stop going to the gym, this is a great way to exercise “physical meditation”.
I lasted posted on 2/7/10. I am still faithfully maintaining the “no contact” rule. It’s been 3 months so far since the break up. Why do I keep thinking about her and “our” life we had before. There are days when I only “relapse” a few times a day and then other day’s it feels like I think about the past all day long. I feel like I am loosing my mind. I know the wounds are still fresh and 24 years together is going to be hard to “get over” but I find myself wishing the days to go by quicker just so I will be that much farther removed from the break up. Then I think why should I do that, I am just wishing my life to go by faster without me!!! It’s crazy thinking!!! I go to the gym just about every day, since September, the same gym. Four days ago I went to my gym and guess who was there? Yep. Why was she there? I know she goes to another gym and doesn’t belong to mine! I maintained the “no contact” rule and did no even look her way. I could see her looking at me and kept running through my head what would I say or what would I do if she came up to me. She never did and left before me. I found myself feeling sad that she didn’t attempt to talk to me. Is this normal? Now every time I go to the gym I hope she is there? Am I going crazy? Am I a glutton for punishment? I really need some help here, please?????
eddie,
i was looking online for healthy ways to get over a break up and i found this website. its amazing to finally find people that are going through similar things as i am. i would like to tell you my situation in hope that you could shead some light in all this turmoil i am going thorugh. i dated a guy for two and a half years. he had been my friend before that and i thought i knew him well. Things started off extremely fast. fast enough to say that he started to move in with me litle by little until it was official. Being a girl coming from a divorced family i have always placed strong importance on the unity of two individuals. anyway, we lived together for all this time and i found him cheating three times. he would apologize and tell me he would never do it again so stupid me i would give him another chance. he even tattoed my name on his arm as a promise that he would never do it again and that he loved me. for the past month we have been split up because someone lied to him and told him that i had cheated which was a true lie. when he heard that he went on and started dating another girl from work. i found him at the movies by pure luck with her and i decided to move out the next day. after that he kept telling me he loved and that he was sorry. i decided to forgive him and try to work things out, however, it only lasted less than a week. i recently have been receiving emails from him since i changed my number telling me that he misses me and loves me yet that all!!! if he loved me he would have looked for me right or make things work? we both love about 10 minutes away now and he knows where to find me. two days ago i fould out he bought his new girlfriend a nice valentines gift. i guess my question is… everyone keeps telling me that he will be sorry and regret all hes doing to me. people tell me that he made a big mistake by dating someone so fast is that true? i havent been able to be with anyone becuase i feel that i need to deal with this breakup before i start seeing anyone. people that know him and me also say that he will regret all hes doing because we lived together and had a life together. what do you think? is it possible to move on that fast and never look back? i have been crying my eyes out and i just want to think that he hasnt forgotten all we had and that he is hurting as much as i am.
Eddie,
I dated a guy for about 6 months. We had an interesting relationship. Trust was hard on all of our parts. We took a break about a month ago and I hadn’t heard a word from him since. Then he came back last night and told me he wanted to be friends. That he still loved me. The month we were apart, I hurt myself. I stopped eating, sleeping less and so on and so forth. About 2 weeks ago I met some one and we clicked. He was fun to be with and such. We ended up sleeping together. I broke it off today as I didn’t feel like it was going anywhere. I told the Mr. “I’m on a break” That I didn’t sleep with the other guy when I did. Now I hurt him and I’m hurting myself more. I fear that it will finally be over. As I write this, tears are pouring out of my eyes. I’ve been reading through your site and getting some tips. Hopefully I’ll apply them soon. This guy was my everything. Between he and my son, I felt whole. But now I feel like I’ve lost something and he hasn’t even said it’s over. I am younger then most on here. But I am hoping your advice helps. Because as of now I am at a loss for what to do. So I decided to google and I found your site.
Its been two and a half months since my 24 year relationship with my partner ended. I have not seen or heard from her since November 23rd when she attempted suicide. I have been trying to move on but every day has been difficult for me. I can’t seem to get her face or all of the memories out of my head. I knew things were getting bad between us about a year before the split but didn’t know where it was coming from. I went to counseling, as did she, (seperate) but it didn’t work. We owned the house together so we continued to live there but apart. During that time she kept trying to talk to me saying she was sorry and “didn’t know” what she was doing and that she was confused? She said she didn’t want to hurt me. I guess the straw that broke the camels back was when she told me she wasnt sure if she was gay anymore. After 24 yrs? I guess you could say I ended it and told her so. She said she didnt know if she wanted it to end and “if I had just “sucked it up” and stood by her we could have gotten through this. I could not do that. Her statement hurt me too much to do that. That is when she attempted to hurt herself. Before she was released from the hospital I put my things into storage and left. The wonder of if I did stick by her would it have worked out haunts me daily. I am confused as to how to move on..
Did I make a mistake by leaving..could i have gotten past her “confusion”? I’m not sure to this day. As i said i have been keeping the no contact rule in place, for my own mental health. The other day I was in my car and when i looked in my rearview mirror she was right behind me. When i stopped at a red light she pulled from behind me to along side of me but i looked the other way and then drove off. She does not know my new cell number or where i’m living but does know where i work and my work number. Somedays i find myself wishing she would and wondering why she has not tried to contact me. Friends and co-workers tell me she will one day, as “no one can let 24 yrs end without some kind of contact even for closure”. I find myself wishing i could go back in time and redo things. Other times I find myself just trying to move on…Either way its hard. I am looking for something but i’m not sure what it is…I read ur site and newsletters from my e-mail daily looking for strength…I just feel so lost and alone..
Dearest Marcie,
My heart goes out to you, I can truly feel your pain.
I want you to know that you are NOT alone, I am here for you and every breakup survivor on this community will stand by your side.
When you think that the pain is unbearable then just post here. We’re here to help.
Your friend,
Eddie