“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.” -Helen Keller
I am sure that you have heard the first part of that quote at least once before, “When one door closes, another opens”.
What you may also have realized, is that in between these two doors, there is a corridor of pain you have to walk through.
BUT… you actually HAVE to walk through that corridor in order to spot the new door that opens for you.
What we tend to do is kneel in front of the closed door, clinging to the doorknob, desperately trying to get inside again.
Sadly, there are quite a few people who spend their whole lives staring at closed doors. They hope the doors will somehow re-open again, and by walking through them, everything will be as it was before.
But unfortunately, it very rarely does.
This quote makes us realize how important it actually is to stand up and start crossing this metaphorical corridor. To start the healing process, make the first step into your healing and towards acceptance:
Following the No Contact Rule.
Now release that doorknob, and start looking for that door that will open for you… maybe it already has.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
i am also one of you guys still trying to open the closed door and is not doing me any good.
i feel like the nc rule will just make things easier for the person who aint got the broken heart. they will just simply move on and do their own thing and forget about you. i think God will be the only one who knows whats good for you and God always has a reason for everything. so just accept how things go.
It is monumentally difficult to get over my wife not loving me. Been together 16 years, married 12 with 2 children. 2 months ago told me she did not love me and had had an affair with another man. Still living at home but 1) want her to go asap BUT 2) still love her and want her to come back to me. This is the worst pain I have ever been through. Eddie’s advice has been helpful and it is comforting to know that you are not the only one suffering
I have been doing pretty good lately, nearly 30 days no contact, but for the past few days I have been going to this “what if?” or “if only…” place in my mind and it has not been good. I have been so tempted to reach out to my ex, to see if we can “try” but luckily I have been able to resist doing that to myself, another rejection, because thanks to this website and all the wisdom here, I know that if he wanted to try, he would be trying. And he isn’t. Not even close. And while that is sad, and not what wish for me or our kids, it is reality. I needed to hear all this, again! The door is closed, I need to stop trying to get back in or hoping it will reopen, start moving away from it so I can heal and eventually find a door that is open. Stay strong everyone!
Kal, Klark, thank you for your kind words of wisdom.
You really gave me alot to think about! It’s like I have him on this annoying pedestal that I cannot kick him off of. I know he has changed an awful lot and really progressed as a person which is probably why it hurts more… as he has been able to do this with the new girl, something which I could never seem to help him do.
Kal, you seem like the sort of guy who is very positive about the future and what it will bring and thinking logically about your break-up which is great! I only wish that with more time and practice I can be like that too.
I have been told alot that I will meet someone else, someone better (i’m not sure how they are so sure of this!) but to have such a special connection as we had with someone else seems just a little far fetched. However I do have some small faith, as it is all I can really have.
Until then I will work on accepting that it is really over and he is not coming back.
Char-
I know what you mean- some days all of the sudden I find myself in near tears over my ex, others its just a numb pain — stick to no contact and push through.
Hey zadia I know what you mean my husband and I were together for 9 years had 2 kids of our own plus his son. He left me for someone else too and has done so many things that hurt me since we split. The fighting went on and on for us too. And like you I find it hard when we’re sharing care of the kids so see each other every week. Even though I know I cant I sometimes wish I could just leave the country and never have to see him again. My ex even blamed me for being the reason that him and his new girlfriend keep breaking up (they’re on & off), dont know why but that cut me real deep. In the beginning it was soooo hard. I cried so much and just wanted to disappear into a big black hole. it was hard to be there for my kids too. But I realised I had to pull it together for them. Focus on your daughter and be strong for her she needs you now. Its been almost 8 months since my break up and I’ve been doing the nc thing for the last month or so. Its definitely helping but I still struggle with all the anger I have towards him cos of all the cheating and lies and the fact that he just plays everything down like it was nothing and that he only did it cos I made him etc… I spent a lot of time thinking I was a horrible person etc… but now I see its not true and so are a lot of the other things I use to believe too. Think we just have to learn to take it easy on ourselves and stop beating ourselves up over and over thinking if only I’d done this etc….Even this week my daughter was telling me about all the things shes been doing with her dad and his new girlfriend and I feel gutted all over again. It triggered old memories again and I’ve been rethinking things over and over and beating myself up over all the warning signs I didn’t notice. But all we can do is soldier on and like eddie says keep walking down that corridor till we see that new door. I tell you when I see that new door I’ll be beating it down as fast as possible and once I get through it to the other side I’ll be having the party of the century! Bring it on!
Eddie, it has been a year now for me. The past 3 months I thought I was finally starting the move on with my life, I actually felt like I was moving forward and getting somewhere then bam! The past week for no reason I have been stuck constantly thinking about him and us,his new girlfriend and why/how it all went wrong?
My best friend and on off boyfriend of 10 years isn’t in my life anymore, and I can’t accept that.
It’s almost like it has happened all over again and the feelings feel almost as raw as the day it happened, how on earth can this be?
This article relates to me in a big way…i’m still staring at that door right? I had the faith I was going to get over this and now i’m thinking right, this could actually take years and it sucks. I can’t help but feel that I will never find someone else I can possibly connect with in a way that we did….
Char, it sucks, but not accepting that it’s over (and getting to the point where you don’t want it back) is what’s preventing you from moving on.
It’s been a year for me, too, since I last saw my ex, kissed her, touched her….And I can still remember that touch but it seems very distant. This person who meant so much to me, now she’s just a figment in the past, an idea and a collection of good memories (an aside: think of some of the others in your past who are the same way, notice how you don’t feel the same emotional pull when recalling those memories? why give this one person so much significance?)
It seems distant because, as I’m sure you’ve found in the past year of your life, a lot has changed in my life.
I just am not the same person I was a year ago, in fact I’m unrecognizable as who I used to be. I’ve had so many new experiences, good and bad, and I am a different person because of it.
And I have to assume the same thing about her. She has changed. Today she is not the person who I used to know. Even if by some strange happenstance we were to entertain getting back together, it’s unlikely that we could connect the same way, because we’ve both changed so much.
There is no way around it, you have to realize that the same situation exists with your ex. You two are simply not the same people you were a year ago, and that’s okay.
So now you’re fighting memories. The ghosts are hard to kill. For me, it’s been difficult, with incredible lows. The wounds reopen on occasion, particularly on significant dates. The pain spikes at times, I miss her presence, sometimes in my sleep I dream that we’re together and I am ecstatic. But then I wake up and realize I am manufacturing something that doesn’t exist, I come back to reality. I don’t know how this ends yet, just that it gets easier as time ticks on.
On hope for finding someone new. You will find someone new. Two thoughts.
First, there was a time when you didn’t know this person existed, and you lived a fulfilling life without him, but you’ve probably forgotten what that looked like. I started by remembering my life without her in it. My year of being single has made me appreciate the happy opportunities that arise every day to meet new people, because you simply don’t know who you’ll run into just around the corner.
Second, my life passed through many decades before I found this woman, then it took years to win her over, and we loved each other. There’s no other way around it, she is exceptional. I am grateful for the time we had together, I hope that she was able to let go of me without suffering, I wish her only the best. Your guy may be exceptional, too. Despite all of that, I am completely prepared to continue looking for someone even better for me. I’ll find another great one, hopefully it won’t take decades, but maybe it will, and I am okay with that. You’ll meet another great guy, too
Its been almost 3 months already and we go back and forth with the fighting im trying to avoid him but its hard when we have a child .I mean he left me two weeks before my wedding for someone else he has done so much after the breakup to hurt me but i miss him so much sometimes i feel like im stuck and cant move any further although i don’t contact him i feel so sad sometimes and irritated that i feel sorry for my daughter cause she needs all the love right now but i just feel so hopeless that i don’t even have the energy to play with her..I wanna close the door but being with someone for 8 years who has been my best friend and sometimes my only friend forgetting is really hard.
This is very true and something for me to keep in mind. In my case, I was dealing with a classic serial monogamist. All the signs (relationship history, perfectionism, has to have a relationship) were there in the beginning and I called her on it and believed her when she said it would be different. In the end, it went from engagement to breakup in the space of a week with an ex back in the picture before the breakup was “official”. This from a 50 year old women.
While I know in my mind that the door is closed and should never be reopened. However, walking down the corridor can be a lonely and challenging path, but it is needed neverless.
I do not want her back despite her very good traits. In the end, moving on is all we can do. Heading for the hallway!
Eddie – I have your book and check your website on a almost daily basis. Thanks for all postings and support. While I have been through breakups before, this site will make my healing happen a lot quicker.
Maybe you should post something about Serial Monogamy? It is the fastest growing trend in the US and many of the posters here have probably encountered one.
Hi Dennis,
Thanks for your kind words.
To be honest here, this is the first time I hear this term. I will definitely check it out and write something about that!
Thanks again,
Eddie
What about the case of you walking through the corridor, taking a bunch of turns and ending up at that same door? Does it mean that it is meant for you to knock on that door once again? Perhaps there is something new behind that door..
Or if you approach that same door and you hear someone knocking on it from the other side, do you open?
As long as the door doesn’t open it’s a waste of time and energy… and the biggest danger is that the longer you stay in the corridor, the harder it is to spot new opening doors.
Thank you Eddie
I keep looking at that closed door and looking for things I missed. warning signs, things he said that I did not catch. I also keep remembering hte happy times, how he was there when I needed him, how he loved me. I wish for those good times and that good person that I am without. That door is so hard to look away from because it contains so much behind it, good and bad. Plus we have a baby together, only 3 months old, I remember my ex being at his birth and the happiness we shared. I keep thinking of the baby growing up without him. I am just sad all around and looking back doesnt help but I cant help it.
I understand what you mean, but when you start your recovery these memories are your enemy, they block you, so you have to block them.
Later in your recovery you can re-claim them and they will give you strength.
Hang in there!
Right you are, Eddie. The hardest part I find is that I cling to that closed door knob with my anger, resentment and contempt because of the lies, cheating and disrespect I endured. It seems backwards to feel this way, I know. But, I noticed that it has kept me from walking through the coorridor of pain and opening the new door of life, which awaits me. Journaling, no contact and affirmations have helped, but the process has been slower than I thought….But, everyday gets better.
It feels slow at first, but as you go you will notice at some point that you will make huge leaps in your healing… IF you are persistent.
Hang in there!
Eddie, I did not realize until I found your materials, that no contact went beyond direct communication. I was snooping on FB etc.., which kept me connected and prevented me from really letting go and moving forward. I have not done that, and my healing has tripled. It feels good to laugh again, focus and start to really move forward. But, man does it take discipline. Emotions are a tough thing. letting go is tough. But, I found it’s tougher, and a lot more stressful not to let go. Life is starting to be enjoyable again….