Break Up and Divorce No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide

No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide

No Contact Rule After A Breakup
Love Burns I and II, 2015 by Lora Zombie

“The no contact rule doesn’t work!”

That’s what I often hear when people come to me for help after their breakup or divorce.

“How exactly were you doing it?” I ask them.

They look at me, offended by my question. That’s when I know what happened to them.

They have bought into the lie.

Have you too?

Everybody tells you to use the No Contact Rule to get your Ex back. They tell you to make them miss you so much, they realize how much they really need you.

There’s a whole industry around that.

And maybe that is what you want …

However, there’s one problem with it:

Still thinking of your Ex? Click here to learn WHY and what you can do about it.

It doesn't take into account what is best for YOU.

It tries to solve the short-term symptom, but it doesn’t cure the “disease.” It’s more like applying a band-aid to a mortal wound.

Let me ask you this:

Is it really best for you to get your Ex back?

Do you really want to revive a dysfunctional relationship? Awaken a revengeful monster that will eventually hunt you down?

There’s got to be a better way.

And that’s exactly what this guide is all about.

By the end of this article, you will know everything about the No Contact Rule and how you can apply it to your situation.

It may not be what you expect. But I can guarantee that it’s what you NEED.

So, let’s dive in.

What You Will Learn From This Article

  • What the No-Contact Rule really is and how to use it the right way.
  • Four reasons why you should follow the rule so it works for you.
  • The “golden rules” and how to follow them right.
  • Everything that can go wrong and how to react.
  • Problems you will face and how to solve them.
  • How other people changed their lives after following the rule.

What Is the No Contact Rule?

What Is The No Contact Rule?

“I have a thousand things to say to you and a thousand reasons not to.”

“I’m off to see Sandra,” I shouted as I walked toward the door.

“I thought you guys broke up,” my father said.

“We did, but we want to stay friends.”

“Why would you do something so stupid?” he asked.

“Because I don’t want to lose her?” I was annoyed by his remark.

“You've already lost her,” he said. “And now you're just giving her permission to hurt you even more.”

Definition:

What does it mean to follow the No Contact Rule?

It means breaking off contact with your Ex-partner for a certain amount of time after the breakup.

It means to physically (and electronically) remove yourself from your Ex, work through issues, push through pain, and gain a new perspective as a result.

The No Contact Rule protects yourself from the (direct or indirect) influences of your Ex-Partner so you can break your addiction to them and heal quickly and sustainably.

You’ll have time and space to heal.

In short: get your ass as far away from your Ex as you can and start working through stuff.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, this comes with challenges and problems, and you will have a hard time.

But the better and stricter you can follow the rules, the quicker you will be over your Ex.

We’ll talk about common problems later; for now, just understand that the No Contact Rule is about physical and emotional withdrawal from your Ex.

But there is much more to it …

Why You Should Follow the Rule

Why You Should Follow The Rule

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
—Albert Einstein

One of the worst pitfalls after a breakup is the fact that we cannot see the big picture. We just want things to go back to “normal.”

Our judgment is clouded.

That’s why we often do “crazy things” at the beginning (for which we hate ourselves later).

Here are four facts on how following the No Contact Rule will help you avoid the worst dangers and navigate you securely through the foggy waters of breakup recovery:

1. It Will Help You See the Big Picture

Why Did You Break Up With Me?

We can’t fully understand the underlying reasons that led to the breakup yet, even when the Ex-Partner explained their point of view.

It’s like they were speaking Klingon and we were just nodding to everything while thinking: I just want you back … god, I love you so much.

We are also possessed by the thought of figuring things out, “getting to the bottom of it.”

The only problem is … there is no bottom.

You will slowly start to see things clearly after some time without your Ex.

Much like awakening from a weird dream and suddenly facing the truth.

2. It Will Protect You From More Pain

This is one of the most beneficial aspects of the No Contact Rule:

It protects us from ourselves and from the harmful influences of our Exes.

In our efforts to “make things right again,” we will unknowingly put ourselves into all kinds of situations that cause pain. We keep putting our hand on the hot stove and then wonder why it hurts.

If we remove the source of our suffering beforehand, the possibilities for self-inflicted torture are limited.

Also, it prevents them from initiating contact and trying to “take care” of us.

Fueled by their guilt of leaving us, the Ex might try to make things “easier” for us. To see if we can “manage.” To see how they can “help.”

But what they really do is push us deeper into an emotional roller-coaster of hope and rejection.

We get the carrot and the stick — plenty of it — until we finally have enough.

Following the rule will save you from that.

How Was Your Day?

3. You Will Heal Quicker

Your recovery progresses in stages (there are seven in total). Every mistake you make after your breakup will throw you back relentlessly.

And you will make tons of mistakes (I know what I’m talking about, as I’ve made ALL of them).

Facebook Stalking is one of the most fatal ones.

A study published in the journal, Cyberpsychology (Issue from 2012), found that “that Facebook surveillance was associated with greater current distress over the breakup, more negative feelings, sexual desire, and longing for the ex-partner, and lower personal growth.”

If you follow the No Contact Rule, you will not only avoid this and other disastrous mistakes, you will also progress through the breakup stages faster.

You’ll come faster to the important conclusions that will jump-start your recovery. As a result, you’ll feel better much faster.

(MORE: 7 New Stages of Grief After a Breakup: The Ultimate Guide)

4. Use It to Get YourSELF Back

”What if I want them back? Can’t I use the No Contact Rule to get them back?”

Here is one of the most harmful misconceptions about the No Contact Rule.

As I’ve said before, everyone is trying to persuade you to use the rule to get your Ex back. That’s the wrong thing to do, and I’ve always taken a fierce public position against that, from the moment of this site's existence.

My strong belief and my mission are that you should use the rule for ONE thing and ONE thing only:

Use the No Contact Rule to get YOURSELF back, NOT your Ex!

Because what you may not realize now is that you have probably lost yourself in this relationship. A big part of your pain derives from this “loss of self.”

Restoring your SELF should, therefore, be your number-one priority after a breakup or divorce.

By working to get yourself back, you’ll invest into the long-term solution, as opposed to something that won’t last long, anyway (sadly, over 90 percent of those who reconcile break up again within a month).

You’ll invest in your life and your future.

The alternative is to constantly wait for a reaction from your Ex — always hovering in position, waiting for them to say/do something in your favor.

This goes on until you are completely powerless and disillusioned … AND you become cynical about love on top of that.

Don’t let that ever happen to you.

(If you want to read more about the “loss of self,” I’ve written a long article about that over here.)

So to summarize, what does the No Contact Rule achieve — what does it do?

It is a tool to restore your mental health and give you a new perspective. It removes the disturbance of external factors, like a sabotaging Ex.

That’s why the rule is so effective.

“But what if they forget me, what if they move on without me? Can’t we just stay friends?”

No, you can’t. But patience, we’ll get to this one …

How Does It All Work?

How Does The No Contact Rule Work?

“This may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do.”

As I’ve said, you entirely cut off contact with your Ex for at least 60 days by strictly abiding by the following three rules:

The Golden Rules of No Contact:

  1. Do NOT call or send text messages, write, communicate, call and hang up, or Facebook Stalk, and no social media!
  2. Do NOT drive by, don’t go to places they visit frequently, no stalking!
  3. Do NOT leave any trace of your Ex in your place or anywhere where you can see it!

If you can follow these three rules for 60 days, you will get invaluable insights.

Yes, this might be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it can also be the very best thing that you have ever done for yourself.

When to Use the No Contact Rule?

Follow the rule after every breakup or divorce as early as you can, regardless of the circumstances (even when you were in a long-distance relationship).

It doesn’t matter if there’s still a chance or not; the rule will help you evaluate the situation objectively and gain insight on WHAT to do.

Isn’t This Unethical/Immature?

“That’s not like adults behave.”

I hear that a lot.

This comes mostly from people who are looking for an intellectual justification NOT to follow the rule. They are simply not ready for it yet.

Also, they probably don’t have a clue how to follow the rule as I teach it:

Going No-Contact does NOT mean that you disappear into thin air suddenly.

No, because that would be “ghosting”:

“Ghosting is the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just ‘get the hint’ and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.” (Source)

We should always remain ethical and fair, no matter what the Ex has done to us (the exception, of course, being all kinds of abuse; in such a case, just get your ass out of there asap).

Here’s what to do instead:

We inform the Ex about our plans by sending out an explanation letter (or email). We tell them that we want to cease contact for 60 days in order to heal (we have the perfect template for this in our DETOX Course because you don’t want to do this the wrong way).

And THEN we start to follow the rule strictly.

Complete transparency and honesty toward your Ex and yourself is the key to lasting recovery.

For How Long Should I Follow the No Contact Rule?

After going through a terrible breakup myself and coaching thousands of clients and students since 2005, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best period of time is this:

60 days.

It’s the time you need to break your Ex-Addiction, go through “withdrawal,” and re-connect to yourSELF.

It’s the minimum amount of time that you need to get over an Ex and move on.

What If I Break the Rule During the 60 Days?

If you should break any of the three rules during the 60 days, then you go back to Day 1. Without mercy.

PRO Tip: In my experience, most of us will break the rule at least once during the period. This will throw you back in your recovery and day-count, but it will actually work to your advantage.

It will strengthen your motivation, as you’ve learned the hard way how painful fallbacks are. You’ll know why you shouldn’t, for example, drunk-call your Ex after you’ve missed them so much.

It’s the “hot-stove” analogy finally starting to work to our advantage.

Now, you’ve finally decided to follow the rule. You are motivated and determined, waiting for the starting signal to start your run toward the end of the 60 days.

Here comes Day 1.

Now what?

What to Do During the 60 Days of No Contact

What To Do During The 60 Days Of No Contact?

“There is no such thing as helplessness. It's just another word for giving up.”
—Jefferson Smith

“Eddie, I’ve been doing NC for several months; we haven’t talked, texted, or seen each other. But I still feel so completely hung up on him, and it even hurts more than it did at the beginning. He started dating again already. What am I doing wrong?”

“Well, what exactly have you done for your own recovery in these few months of No Contact?” I asked her.

“Nothing … I just tried to stay away from him and didn't call him, and it took all I had.”

“What have you learned about yourself during this alone time?”

“That I can’t live without him, and that my happiness completely depends on him,” she said.

“So, you were completely focused on him?” I asked.

“What else can I do? I can’t get him out of my head.”

If you don’t do the re-connection work, you will have the same problem again in your next relationship. Simply existing without the physical presence of your Ex is not enough for a thorough recovery.

“Time alone does NOT heal,” I told her.

(Real conversion with a coaching prospect)

Let me be completely honest with you:

You will have an excruciating tough time during the first week. You will feel like you're wandering through a huge desert without water. In your underwear. Chased by wild animals and tricked by mirages.

I’m not telling you this to discourage you, but I want you to know and prepare yourself for what’s coming.

The urge to call them, look at their Facebook profile, or go to places they hang out will be almost unbearable.

This is when you feel that your situation is very much like an addiction.

Treat It Like an Addiction

Falling in love has neurological effects similar to those of cocaine.

What happens when you remove the drug from the addict?

The addict goes through physical and emotional withdrawal.

Neurologically, a breakup is very much like that. And if you treat it as such, you will better understand what is happening to you and how you get through it.

You will have more options at your disposal.

You could, for example, come to the conclusion that it’s much more beneficial to NOT just hang around and give yourself the opportunity to obsess over them … to keep thinking about consuming “your drug.”

Instead, plan out every minute of your free time.

Here are a few examples:

  • Meet up with old friends you haven’t seen in a long time.
  • Always wanted to do [insert activity here]? Now is the best time to start.
  • Go to the gym as often as you can.
  • Learn a new language, play an instrument, or try out a new sport.

Do what you have to do to avoid harmful over-thinking (believe me, you don’t want to spend time going over the “what-ifs” and “if-onlys”).

More on the addiction part later …

Do the Re-Connection Work

Here’s what you have to accomplish during the 60 days:

You must re-direct your focus from them to you.

Most people don’t do that, and it's why they haven’t really made progress in their healing, even though they may have done No Contact already.

You MUST use the 60 days to take a deep (and uncomfortable) look at yourself:

What are your essential wants and needs?
What really makes you tick?
Who are you deep down?

Find the YOU and reconnect with that true SELF.

That’s the real secret.

Trust me, if you can do that, it’ll be the best couple of days you’ve ever had in your life.

You’ll become a different person, enjoying life more and having fulfilled relationships in the future.

I’ve seen it so many times (I am living proof: I found my perfect-fit partner, and now my wife and I have twin girls).

Can things go wrong? Well, let’s see …

What Can Go Wrong If I Do No Contact? Can It Backfire?

When people ask this question, what they really mean is: will No Contact diminish their chances to get their Ex back?

“What if they forget me during the 60 days and don't want to have anything to do with me?”

Let me answer this plain and simple:

NOTHING can go wrong if you follow the rule; nothing will backfire.

Because you are doing it for yourself and NOT to manipulate your Ex.

You can only win.

The only way things can go wrong is when you break the rule and decide not to continue it anymore.

Giving up is the worst-case scenario.

How your Ex feels about your decision to cut off contact is irrelevant to you now.

You’ll revisit the relationship and its chances for reconciliation after the 60 days have passed.

That's the time for making a decision.

The Post-60-Days Evaluation

Post-60-Days Evaluation

Is there still a chance for the relationship after the 60 days have passed?
Will your Ex still have feelings for you after that?
Can you still be friends?

While that shouldn’t be your concern at all when starting with Day One, it’s definitely something to re-evaluate after the 60 days' No-Contact period.

Now that you have a “birds-eye-view” of your situation, you can take a deeper, more objective look into your options.

Here’s where many of you will come to a shocking realization:

You don't want them back anymore.

Wow. Bummer. How did that happen?

You might start seeing the former relationship in a different (realistic) light, and you don’t really see a future for it anymore.

If you reach that verdict, fine. No Contact worked for you because it opened your eyes to the real nature of the relationship.

If, on the other hand, you still want them back AFTER the 60 days have passed, then your chances are much better NOW than they were before you started.

If your relationship was meant to be, your Ex will still be there.

Sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth.

More on that later …

(On a side note: if you are not ready to make a decision yet, then don’t do it. You’ll get there eventually and you should not strain yourself. It takes as long as it takes.)

How do you get through the long 60 days without quitting?

You do that by conquering all the obstacles and problems you will run into.

Common No Contact Problems

No Contact Rule Problems

Starting with day one and forward, you will ask yourself the following question:

“The No Contact rule is killing me — it’s so hard and it feels wrong. WHY should I continue?”

In these arduous moments, when you think you’ll go crazy missing them and when all you can think of is picking up the phone and calling them, this is what you must remember:

  • You are doing this to gain a new perspective on the whole situation — a birds-eye-view of this whole mess.
  • You are doing this to become the best version of YOU, without anybody interfering (least of all, your Ex).
  • You are doing this to find out whether to get back together again OR to let go and learn from this experience.

PRO Tip: Write down YOUR personal reason on a piece of paper and read it multiple times a day, whenever doubt creeps in.

Another popular objection to the No Contact Rule is the following.

No Contact When You Have Kids Together (or Work With Your Ex)

“It’s impossible for me to follow the rules because we have children together, and we both take care of them.”

This is when you must follow the rules of “Reduced Contact.”

“Reduced Contact” means having minimal physical contact with your Ex and keeping everything strictly business related.

No falling for manipulation attempts, no games, no arguing.

There is a certain set of rules that you must follow to protect yourself from attempts of (self-)sabotage while taking care of your children/business/work/circle of friends.

(If you need more help with this, you can check out our DETOX Course, where we offer worksheets and the full set of rules.)

The next objection, we have partially covered already:

“What if they miss me/want to come back/forget me/move on?”

Let me ask you a counter-question:

If your Ex was still in love with you and believed that you were the one, HOW would they behave?

  • Wouldn’t they find you wherever you were, kick in your door, and proclaim their love for you?
  • Wouldn’t they at least wait for you to complete your 60 days and then make their move?
  • Wouldn’t they fight for you?

Point is, if they still loved you and thought that you were meant for each other, then the 60 days will change NOTHING.

If they want to get back together again, they will let you know. And then it’s on you to decide if there’s still a chance or not, once you have the necessary emotional distance.

Until then, you will lose nothing by completing the 60 days.

Trust me on this one.

“What if I’m addicted to my Ex?”

Oh, yes. That will make things much harder.

Note that there is always a certain degree of addiction when it comes to an Ex-partner (we've talked about this).

We are addicted to the idea of a relationship, the status that the relationship gives us, and the fact that there was always someone on our side, having our backs.

So, this is a multi-faceted addiction.

And of course, love-addiction and love-withdrawal are real things:

Researcher Helen E. Fisher (a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University) said the following:

“Romantic love is an addiction. It’s a very powerfully wonderful addiction when things are going well and a perfectly horrible addiction when things are going poorly.

“I think the brain circuitry for romantic love evolved millions of years ago, to enable our ancestors to focus their mating energy on just one person at a time and start that mating process. And when you've been rejected in love, you have lost life's greatest prize, which is a mating partner. This brain system becomes activated probably to help you try to win this person back.” (source)

All of this is true, but in the end, you MUST face and beat your addiction.

You must do cold withdrawal.

(On a side note, I once had a client who had been a drug addict in her past. She told me that she experienced first-hand that withdrawing from an Ex is almost the same thing as drug withdrawal.)

(MORE: Signs That You May Be Addicted to Your Ex)

How have other people dealt with the obstacles of No Contact?
What have they experienced after completing the 60 days?
What have they gained after fighting through this, and would they do it again?

Here are a few testimonials of those who did a great job with No Contact.

No Contact Rule Success Stories

No Contact Rule Success

I’m proud to say that today is Day 60 of NC! My ex reached out twice during it, but I ignored it both times. I wrote an email at the beginning, explaining that I needed more space in order for me to move on, so I didn’t ghost. I really didn’t have a problem not calling her, because I know no good would have come from it — fool me once …

I feel good, and I can say that I did feel a difference within the last few weeks. Missing her much less. I’m still ruminating on the ‘why’ but I am really working on that actively. I know my self-worth and self-esteem have been hurt quite a bit, so I feel that my process is now shifting towards fixing that.

—A. (DETOX Student)

Somehow I made it thru the 60 days of NC without even realizing which day it even occurred on. Never in a million years did I expect that to happen. I guess it's different for each one of us, the hurt we have gone thru, etc.

I think I knew for a very long time that at some point, it would have to end with him or he would drive me insane. It was there like background noise, and then when I finally faced it, mourned a bit, the NC provided just what I needed to clear my head.

You know what it did for me? It gave me freedom. It reminded me of who I am … who I forgot I was. Showed me that other men can and will find me desirable.

I'm happier now than I have been in years … actual years. I laugh (a lot!!!!), I go on trips, I love life. My home is peaceful and full of love.

One day I'll probably hear from him again … and when I do … I just may thank him for the life lesson because all of it brought me to where I am now. It's such a powerful tool and can help to heal you if you only hang in there and give it a chance … it's worth it.

—K. (DETOX Student)

I made it! Those first two weeks were so brutal and surreal — I never guessed I would feel so centered and strong in such a short period of time. That doesn't mean at all that ‘I'm over it,' only that the space of the 60 days gave me the room to do the work on ME, and not focus 100% of the time on my ex, which is definitely what I was doing when I started Eddie's program.

I smile more, I was able to run into a couple of mutual friends the other day and talk easily about stuff, about divorce. Just in general, I felt free and loose and untriggered and curious and open about the future.

—L. (DETOX Student)

Conclusion

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”

The No Contact Rule has a bad reputation.

That’s mainly because smart internet-marketers twisted its real purpose into their own agenda. They want to convince you to try to get back your Ex.

This is NOT what the No Contact Rule is for.

It’s not an Ex-manipulation tool to trick them into falling back in love with you.

Always remember this:

If someone wants to leave you, let them go.Click to Tweet

This rule is for YOU only.

To heal, to regain a healthy perspective, and to re-connect to your true SELF.

It gives you back the power of choice and shows you a way out of your helplessness.

I urge you to make the decision to follow the rule, break your addiction to your Ex, and use the time to focus on yourself.

I promise you that this will be the best 60 days you’ve ever had.

It will give you your life back.

If you need help doing this, you can either join our community (and if you aren’t on our newsletter yet, you can do that by clicking here).

Please let me know in the comments section below: have you ever tried following the rule? What have you experienced? If you haven’t, make a public proclamation to do it. We’ll hold you accountable.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.

Here’s the whole process as an infographic (stickman-o-graphic):

The No Contact Rule Process
(Click for full size)

Embed This Infographic on Your Site:

  • I fell in love with a guy for whom I was a friend from the beginning. He got attached, there was a chemistry, he was behaving like a teenager in love but still claimed he wants us to be just friends-as it also turned out he has a girlfriend he never mentioned before. Believe me, he was everything I ever wanted a guy to be so it was heart breaking x1000000. I decided to stay away, despite of being very good friends with him. I’m starting my second week and it’s getting better. I truly believe this is the best thing you can do-concentrate on yourself first!!

  • I love the article❤️😍. Moving on and loving yourself are the most important. I will follow this rule. Now in 22 days of no contact rule.. I see my life is beautiful and colorful. I smile a lot more and give more love in myself❤️🙏🏽. Namaste

  • Interesting article. For me personally I never do the whole “lets stay friends” thing, I just never see them again, my choice. Never understood the people that do that staying friends thing, because it’s so important to have that time apart after breaking up to give you space to let go and move on. I guess many people don’t think of it that way unfortunately because they are too busy thinking about staying friends so there isn’t any bad feelings or atmosphere, but do you really need to keep them in your life, haven’t you got other friends?! Also many people want to stay friends because it’s actually just a way to keep that ex in their life because they are hoping that will make them get back together. It all never works out very well in many cases, not worth the hassle.

    • Exactly. I wish that more people would see it the way you do … it would be much easier for them.

      Thank you!

  • My boyfriend of 8-9yrs called my one day and broke up with me out of the blue, I was so shocked and couldn’t believe it, this guy had just called me the day before calling me to tell me just how much he loved me, little did I know is that he didn’t love me anymore. What hurt the most is when he quite his job I supported him financially and emotionally, I even helped to get his business up and running. Now that we are over I can’t help but feel used as when I wasn’t happy at work and wanted to quite to focus on my studies he never supported me “emotionally” but when tables were turned I had to be there. When he dumped me I felted used and cut communication, basically went no contact he broke it 2 twice already showing up at my house unexpectedly. I honestly don’t think he even deserves to be told why I’ve decided to stop talking to him. I decided not to go no contact for 60days but to go no connect till I feel like I’m over him. The last time he reached out was like a meek ago at midnight, lol funny part is I know I was a great catch and everything I ever did for him will echo till his old and grey, people who just take and never give always lack, in wish him well.

    • Honeybee308 says:

      Mpho, I feel your pain. I too supported my partner for over 2 years financially and emotionally but he was never there for me. Instead kept breaking up for silly reasons then trying to hoover me back, which I did. But no more. I’m following no contact and spoiling myself for a change. Don’t worry, karma will reward our good nature ten fold. These men will never know what treasure they lost until it’s gone.

  • My ex of 3 years and I work in the same place, and the shock of the split has made it hard to accept and hard not to reach out. But yesterday I set a boundary. I panicked doing it, but I did it without apologizing and I’m proud of myself. I would say that one of the toughest parts of no contact (or any post relationship boundary really), is when they DO respect it. My ex is a really good person and although he wasn’t the best at setting boundaries after he broke up with me, he has (thus far) respected those that I set. I consider myself lucky that I have a respectful ex, but man does it hurt to look at my phone after the first 24 or 48 hour period and see no attempt at contact. It does make it hard not to wonder if he’s rebounding or missing me, but the approach-avoid game is honestly more agonizing.

    It is also hard not to feel like your relationship was exceptional. So many times I’ve found myself reading testimonials and thinking “yea, but these people didn’t have the friendship we had. They weren’t together as long, they weren’t as committed.” I’m trying so, so hard to let that mentality go. Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not helping me heal to build a wall of resistance to getting the appropriate distance when I know that’s what’s best.

    • Good job, i am starting mine today

  • Rod Garcia says:

    Hi Eddie. Amongst the multitude of “getting you ex back” sites your info seems honest and well intended. That is why i want to ask your opinion. I was dating a lovely girl for the last 4 months, starting 2 weeks after she dumped her boyfriend of 1.4 years because he wasn’t affectionate and she resented it. But she was in love with him. We connected immediately engaging in beautiful sex and enjoying mutual company. Never talked about naming our relationship but feelings grew inside me and transpired in actions (needy?)Couple of weeks ago she started to be cold and keep her distance until she told me she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. So I said it did not work for me and walked away hoping her the best.
    What should i do if she calls me?
    We are not “exes”, we hooked up for 4 months….should i contact her in a few weeks?
    Go no contact?
    Thanks

    • It may be too soon for her after her breakup. I’d leave her alone for 60 days, then see how you feel about it. If you still think that this relationship has a future, then contact her.

      • Thanks Eddie. You know how important is to be listened to (or read) in these circumstances
        Good advice
        Maybe she will contact me , maybe not
        Hug

  • I tried to start a no contact a couple of months ago, but it’s hard – not for me, but because we are in the same very reduced group of friends. I had a friend that was constantly telling me the plans they were doing together and had to shut her down. We both live in a small town, so chances of bumping are high – unless I stay confined at home. That’s also an issue because home alone, I have a hard time stopping the overthinking. I have a degree of social anxiety, and have under 10 friends in total, so I am usually left without plans for the whole weekend. It’s hard to not think, not bump, not hear from him. After a month without talking to him I found out (through pinterest) that he seems to be in love. I deleted him from there as well, but I’m hurt as hell. I thought I was doing better, but turns out I wasn’t. I don’t want him back, I know that’s not an option from day 1. I didn’t expect to be so easily replaced, to be honest. I will see him in August because we both are attending a wedding. Now that I see he’s in love, he may even bring someone to the wedding, and just the thought of it knots my stomach to a point where I have difficulty breathing.

    • Honeybee308 says:

      Cati don’t ever let a man or amybody determine your worth. You can survive without this man who obviously doesn’t appreciate you. Watch YouTube videos and go on Quora to help you Cope. Believe me you will get through this. Stay strong and positive. Work on yourself and a better man will find you one day. Someone that treats you the way you should be. Even if you have to leave town to meet him! Good luck and stay 💪💪💪.

  • I’m happy I found this website. We broke up mutually. We have love and respect for each other, but circumstances aren’t allowing us to be fully open and free. So goes one month of limited contact because we work in one place and see each other at least once a week. I have to tell that it was hard in the beginning and some days memories are taking over, but I definitely can see and observe our relationship better now. I see reasons why things didn’t go right and why we should stay apart. So he contacted me last week and it disturbed my feelings somewhat, but on his request to meet I said NO. I’m so proud of myself. I still think about him, but I also can see clearly now what could happen if we did meet. So it is not an easy process, but they key is to find yourself again. In the first place, our exes fell in love with us, but we lost ourselves. I also realized I was my ex’s pleaser, and almost always was telling him yes. So that big no last week was huge. I will keep limited contact, wish it could be no contact at all, but I think it is working out anyway, at least for me. I used to always worry what upsets him, what did I do wrong, well, not anymore. Thank you for this guide and helpful advices.

    • Thank you, Sasha, for sharing your experiences with NC and your kind words about this guide. Hang in there, you are not alone!

  • after ending 5 years on and off relationship, my ex finally blocked me on whatapp and deleted my number. (having refused to accept previous breakups in the past). I found few evidences in the early stage of our relationship and I confronted him few times but he always blamed me and told me that I was insecure and I do not trust due to my past relationships, that may be true but he did not show me that I can trust him and even worse I feel that he gas lighted me by despite evidences he told me that I was the one with trust issues, I continued to see on his laptop that he was on dating sites and there were indications of physical/sexual contact with other women. my health was suffering as he refused to break up and at the end I did not confront him with real evidence of his infidelity, I was in so much pain for the last 2 years of our relationship that I felt I was having heart attack. At the end I just ended it without explaining, in which he wanted to remain friends and he tried to woo me and wine and dine me. but it just did not work. apart from his womanising he was a perfect gentleman, very polite, he seems on the surface every girl’s dream but I am not willing to suffer nor compromise myself competing with other ladies just to be with someone like him. I did not end up our relationship to meet someone else, I just wanted peace and harmony for me and for my sanity. I was sick of being gas lighted, I know what was real and was not, I have looked at his logging history (yes, I snooped after coming across something -not encouraging others, I wish I had never come across the first evidence and then I could have lived in ignorance, sometimes ignorance is a bliss, and I wish I had at the beginning of relationship before giving my heart and soul to him), I do still love him, please do not judge why, we cannot help our hearts and I know I will always love him for his many beautiful qualities but I do not want to be with him nor be his friend, I am jealous and friendship with someone I am in love with does not suit me as I do not want to see nor know about his future serious relationships. I do not us to argue, I feel both of us were suffering and hurting one another and break up was the best solution, in my opinion he would not have sought other women’s attention if I were all that or I fulfilled his needs. I felt very inadequate, unattractive, bad in bed, for him to seek other women’s attention. but always refused to accept it and insisted that he loved me, to a point that we did not have any intimacy for the last 6 months of our relationship but he was not bothered and he said he loved me and he just wanted to be with me and even if it is just 1 minute of week of him having a glimpse of me. I was very confused so why date other women, of which one night 2 women contacted him on skype and he told me it was spam. he told me that he blocked and deleted them but they keep getting access, ok I made a skype account someone contacted me I blocked them they never contacted me again, when I checked his skype these ladies not only were not blocked, deleted they were still on his page. very beautiful Eastern European women, of which one time he told me that they were fantasy women, unreal. which they were but it hurt my feelings. that I will never be as young nor as beautiful as them, I am a very very attractive woman with a body to die for I have been told and I do look 10 years young than my age, but I am not these women.
    I feel that blocking was the kindest thing he ever did. although I wanted break up but I could never move on, when I saw that he has blocked me on whatsapp I cried for a week, lost half a stone, kept checking if I were unblocked, but day 15 I stopped. and today is day 16 and I feel so much better. I deleted his number but sadly I have science degree and I never forget numbers. sadly his number is in my head. but I am doing well and I can see light at the tunnel and I feel a lot better without the stress, I do not see myself wanting to rekindle any form of liason and this way is for the best for both of us.

    • Rod Garcia says:

      Dear
      As i experienced unbearable pain since november 2017 for 18 months I can fully understand the pain you are in. My best advice is to never contact him again and erase him from your real and internet life. Tough but is possible.
      Now i am in a different love issue and i am much stronger than before. So the experience you are going through, although unwanted, will pay off. Hope it helps somehow….

  • I’m trying this at the moment. Just ended a 3 year relationship 2 days ago. I had broken up with her previously and then we got back together within 3 days, but as soon as we got back together the same issues arose. This time I’ve realised that I can’t go through that again.

    Seeing someone who you care for being sad is just so tough and it makes you feel really bad for them.

  • Wow this is such a helpful thread. I’m going through this process now always been the caregiver and trying to figure out what went wrong in the relationship.

    There wasn’t anything specifically that I did wrong just that she began to feel crazy being in the relationship and had yet to deal with her trust, insecurities and anxiety issues. So I was shattered when she backed away and removed me from her life.

    I suffer from addiction issues as well and I can safely say this is that hardest drug I’ve ever had to quit. All I want to do is run back to it fix it and have sex and make up its so powerful but I’m fighting through the urges. Already made a couple mistakes reaching out (calling her narcissistic for posting revealing selfies and ass photos on the beach and I also wrote a long email……SMH I had to make my own mistakes)

    I’m attempting this no contact thing. I have her phone number written in a book on my shelf all social media has been blocked off on both sides I deleted Instagram I still have some clothes she bought me but I’m thinking of boxing it all up and removing it and throwing out the love notes I have hidden somewhere as well. I’m a tall good looking guy with a great personality but this relationship has stripped me clean of my value and self worth.

    I’m really struggling with it. On day 6 now since my last “slip” of reaching out and aiming to make it to 60. I will update throughout the no contact to show my progress. Thanks for this post!

  • I rarely say something like this, but this is the most helpful guide regarding the no contact rule on the internet!

    I tried to follow the rule before but never could get past the 1-week mark. I start missing him and then I’ll always text or check his Facebook status. After that, it’s the downward spiral… each time.

    I really needed this, a detailed what-to-do and what-not-to-do guide that will help me get through the weeks without contacting him. What I also liked is that you answered the most asked questions.

    Thank you for this!

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